notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Antidepressants aren't anything to be ashamed of though if your depression is as a result of a chemical imbalance. However, it sounds like your feelings could also be just the normal grieving process, in grieving the years lost, etc. A good therapist could help you too to be able to work through those feelings of grief and burnout and plan for moving on going forward. I find talk therapy very helpful in dealing with my stressful family situations too.
thx fraz - I hope there will be more improvement. My niece is married to sil (referring to son in law) so she is not alone. She was adopted and is feeling rejection from her birth mother, as well as her adoptive mother (my sis). She has never resolved the death of her dad some years ago with whom she was very close. Fairly dysfunctional. Sis is narcissistic and, to me, somewhat sociopathic -very cold. There is very little I can do except show my niece I care and pray for her. They are in the UK so too far to visit. I agree that antid's are fine if you need them, and talk therapy is great . More on that later.
tiger -welcome - isn't it true that we tolerate stress less well as we age? I am 81 and I have to protect myself more than ever before. I am glad you are decreasing contact. There is emotional distancing/detaching and then there is physical distancing. I find I have to do both. Grieving the losses is healthy and necessary to get to detachment. So glad you are making a plan to move on. It is never too late to lessen the pain and plan a better life. You will get support for that here.
cmag - sounds like things are working out better.
linda- good idea for decorating. I am into very, very, very simple these days.
Youngest son Gordie's 40th birthday tomorrow and I am feeling it this year. Getting a few flashbacks to 16 years ago. So these days are slow, and as comfortable as I can make them, I just have to feel the feelings. This too will pass - until the next trigger.
Speaking of talk therapy. my current therapist is the best I have ever had. I have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life depending in life's ups and downs. A couple of counselors were not good, the others, varied but I got something from them. This one "gets" me and my various loved ones very well and I am dealing with some childhood stuff. One problem I have had with counselors is that I have very good coping skills and function at a high level so that after a few session they think I am fine, when, in fact I still have important unresolved issues. As a result, I am rethinking moving away from here till I have gotten further along in therapy. I really don't like the winters, but I can find a way to survive. Once it hits the very cold temperature I prefer not to stick my nose outside the door, or go away for a month or so.
Speaking of snow, it is melting today Thank goodness!!!!
This month lots for me too. Two years since L passed which would also be mom's 92nd bday, four years since J passed. So much has happened and I think I have come so far, but still times of sadness. Don't think it is depression because it doesn't hang on and on.
And I am so excited about getting into my own house. It has been seven years since I feel I could call my home my own. Went to pick granite today, same as I picked before but I did not have them hold slabs. Need to go through the week, evidently, but did not realize that until yesterday afternoon.
Went.out to lunch at one of Mom's and L's favorite spots. Hoped to see and talk with the woman that owns it and always works, except I guess on her birthday, today. Had Mediterranean shrimp pasta, one of my faves.
IT is to get down in the 20's tonight, quite chilly. Still waiting for landscape progress. Hoping we get a more seasonal couple of weeks before mid November.
Golden- glad your mom is continuing to improve. I've had kind of the same experience with talk therapy. Saw a couple of therapists before that I felt like didn't really help me, but the one I have now is great. She has helped me through my crazy family issues and is helping me work through some things from my past also.
Hugs to you and Glad both. Take care of yourselves. The grief triggers are rough.
Cmag - How did your wife's testing go? I'm glad your step-sister apologized.
I talked to mom's nurse earlier and it sounds like the docs there agree with the diagnosis from the other facility. They have taken her off the Ativan (which she's been on for quite awhile), Seroquel, and Zoloft, and are trying her on Valium, Geodon and Neurontin, plus keeping her on the Cogentin as well as her other regular meds (insulin, bp meds, etc). They just started them so they are going to monitor her to see how she does on the new regimen. I'm hoping they help. She did sound quite a bit calmer when I talked to her earlier, was not tearful and agitated like the other day.
I don't know much about the new meds. Was reading that Neurontin is used off label as a mood stabilizer but helps with neuropathy and restless legs too, which might help with the weird leg movements that mom has had.
The weather here has been very rainy, though I think it's supposed to be clearing. Still in the 60s after a really hot summer. I know we need a good freeze, but I'll be in layers and wrapped up in blankets when it finally hits lol
The tests went fine. Now to wait for the results and when the surgery is? It could be a month from now. Who knows.
I did get the Halloween decorations down and put the summer ones away. My wife has killed herself decorating to the point of being in so much pain that she's throwing up and using her crutches plus sleeping in the lower bed. When I asked her why was she making her knee worse by doing so much in one day, her only answer was because it needed to be done before her surgery. I'm sorry ladies, but that is insane! I don't need this extra stress with two memorial services coming up.
As for me, I often have a hard time determining if my sis is indulging in old, manipulative addict behaviors or if it is the disease. Frankly, I know that the resemblance to ‘out-of-it drunkeness’ sometimes robs me of the compassion I should have, and I beat myself up a lot. On the flip side, I dometimes get a little angry or frustrated at Drs and assisted-living personnel that haven’t seen it or don’t recognize it, so think it isn’t really there. Lose-lose situation, for sure.
Frazz, I’m hoping your mom does better on the new med regime. If they worked before, they should work now. It takes a while to figure out meds for these conditions. Most important is for the patient to be comfortable .
CMag, I’m sure you have a lot going on with planning a memorial for your dad and the up coming surgery. Take care of yourself, rest.
Glad, exciting how your home is coming along. You will be moving before you know it.
Not much going on other than working. It is cold in the mornings with afternoon highs in the high 50’s.
My brother will be moved to a rehab facility in about 2 weeks. He is doing really good. They will soon remove the trach.
I do need to get some cleaning up done in the garden beds, pruning, etc. I keep putting it off, lol!
The priest from dad's home church in Ohio called and that service is planned for the 27th. That is a two day drive to. Our sons will come to this one.
The Maryland memorial service is planned for the 19th. It is a one day drive to.
What a mess.
Sharyn, take it easy on that pruning. Next year for me. This year would have been tough. We have gone from summer to winter overnight it seems. You should be getting some of this cold too, I would gladly send some your way.
Golden and Fraz hope the med changes continue to help your mom's. I now think that ts2 may have put mom on palliative care as soon as I was out of the caregiving picture. At one point I was told by hospice nurse that they restarted mom on Seroquel and it did not help. If it isn't broke don't fix it. Seroquel worked great for mom when I cared for her. Mom was as good as she could be on the regimen she had while at home. But, it was a major change and maybe nothing would have helped. Nope, I would never ask ts2 at this point. It is done.
Well, got lock sets ordered, ceiling fans and remainder of lighting. AND granite countertops were installed tonight. He was late finishing so I was not going up there when dark. So, that is something to look forward to tomorrow! I am done shopping and making selections and of course cost more than allowance. I HATE shopping for anything! Oh well, last home I will own, and only one in my life that I have been able to pick all the options. Start of first lighting order started to arrive today.
Welcome Jeanne! If your sis has dementia, her behavior is most likely a combination of both. My mom was a sweet heart to the Cnas at the facility, but a terror to family.
My wife has not had he surgery yet. We are waiting to hear from the surgeon. She's on some rather powerful pain meds right now. It's just that when the pain gets really bad she throws up. If we don't hear something today, I'm going to ask our rather large church for help with meals and company for my wife while I'm gone to some doctor's appointments that are an hour's drive away and to the memorial services. A cousin has offered to come up and stay with her, but she doesn't want that.
I've been under so much stress that I've not eaten right either forgot to take my medicine on time or at all and tonight missed the turn for the street I live on.
Now, we have a plan. I can now sit down and eat. Then, I will take my medicine.
Since my sister in law is an ovarian cancer survivor from 2001, she is not up to much cooking. So, we are asking our loving church to provide my wife and her sister some light meals while I'm gone. My wife also has a sorority sister nearby who is going to help her some.
The past four mornings I have slept to 6:30 am. Unheard of for me. Haven't been late to work yet but did have to skip the shower one morning.
Granite is installed. It is beautiful!
Golden, keep that cold air up there.
Sharyn, how is it there?
Cmag, although so many things are happening, you’re definitely going through it one at a time. I can definitely see your resistance to the decorations at this time. I chuckled as I read your comment: It is not like we have people over here often... My fave sis likes to rearrange her rooms. The most affected ones are the kitchen and livingroom. It drives me crazy how she would ask for my opinion about placing the furniture here, there, etc... I asked why ask when we know she’s going to rearrange next week, next month... Several times... Then I give my opinion of new arrangement.
Sharyn, good news about your brother.
Almost 1:00am. Time to go sleep.
Yes, very weird.
The first memorial service is only a little over 300 miles away. I can drive that in one day. I will leave on Thursday. The service is Friday. I will rest for two days and drive back on Monday.
That Tuesday my wife gets her tooth crowned and I see a doctor. On Wednesday, we see our primary care doctor. Thursday, I drive part way to Ohio. Friday, I drive the rest of the way and the service is on Saturday. Our son's will meet us there on Friday. I will drive half way back on Monday.
I may or may not have the energy to give out candy for Halloween dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi with my battery powered light saber.
Today is a better day for she is able to use her walker.
I am in my late 20s, and I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I have an older brother who is the golden child. My dad is a traditional Asian father who doesn't talk much or do anything, he was just the breadwinner. So my mother controlled everything in the house. Now my dad has retired, but my mother still runs the house for my brother and my dad.
I first recognized that my mother was narcissistic when I was 20yo and dating my now-husband. He said the way my mother talked to me and treated me was not normal. When I finally read about NPD mothers--OMG, she ticked off so much on the list that I felt relieved-- because finally I knew it wasn't ME that had the problem. I was never going to be enough for her.
I moved out just 2 years ago to my own home and things improved with the distance. I felt like my family functioned like a proper family again. But in July this year she was told she most likely has a rapidly-progressive dementia, where 90% of people die within 1 year from the start of their symptoms.
Over 2 months, I've been to countless neurologist appointments with her and my dad. My brother only went to one. Because I'm a healthcare professional, all the healthcare related responsibilities have been dumped onto me, and because of the rarity of this disease there has been absolutely no support from our neurologists whatsoever. In fact my brother still refuses to think she has terminal illness and thinks she can be cured by God.
Everyone says "spend as much time with her as you can, so you have no regrets" and "make happy memories". I joined a FB support group for this disease and they say "do not take anything for granted", as with this disease it can progress so suddenly and quickly that people have even gone from perfectly normal to dead in mere weeks.
But nobody understands the dysfunction in my family. I initially offered to quit my job to be my mother's primary caregiver, considering that I work in healthcare, and I am female, so that's the "most sensible" option, right? I also thought that I would do it so that I would not have any regrets. But I worry that if I do so, I would end up being scapegoated all over again.
My mother has always favored my brother over me. For example, she said they would only give my brother money for his house, and not me. I had to do all the chores for the family when I was younger, not him. My husband and I should pay for family dinners, but not him. Hell we even paid for him and his girlfriend and it's not like we're rich. She even said "you have done nothing for the family, unlike your brother."
I'm conflicted now about whether I still want to be her caregiver. I would most likely end up sacrificing my life, my career progression and my finances, and my dad and brother may just stand at one side while I get sucked dry.
We just got back from a family vacation with my husband, myself, and the 3 of them. My husband and I wanted to TEAR our hair off several times. I planned the trip hoping it would make happy memories. We did have some. But my mother's negativity and pickiness was frustrating. She has been always like that and now it's just worse. My brother and father didn't help at all either, in fact on one day they said that the sights I took them to see were "so boring". Well THANKS, when they did nothing at all to help in the planning process when they could have, it's not like they have dementia!
I got exhausted, angry and frustrated a lot. I went home angry after our dinner at the airport on our return went awry. My mother didn't want to order. Then she complained that she was tired and she wanted to eat fast so she could head home. So my husband offered to do the ordering for her, because my brother and father couldn't make any decisions for her. She said yes, but then she sulked about his decisions, even though he tried to order what she usually ate! So much for "happy memories"
I have observed over time that one characteristic of narcissists is that they believe their ailments and diseases must be more exciting, rarer and more dangerous than anyone else's.
So point number one to clear up: what do you know from independent professional sources about your mother's dementia diagnosis?
always have a scapegoat, and often it is weirdly the one who is most successful and does the most work. Go figure. My suspicion is that the favored sibs/relatives pour on the flattery and entertainment which boosts
the narcissists ego. Most narcissists I've had the misfortune to know have always needed a lot of help and reassurance. Which is totally ironic as they
consider themselves minor deities and above such tawdry concerns. Probably why they mistreat those that help them the most. They neither flatter or entertain as they are too busy and exhausted with providing real help, and they
remind the narcissist that they are both needy and dependent, which they profoundly hate.
You said--"I would most likely end up sacrificing my life, my career progression and my finances, and my dad and brother may just stand at one side while I get sucked dry."
Yep, you've got it. And you will likely risk being disinherited and slandered to
boot. Always, always, always, unless you're an only child or your sibs and
parents are truly kind compassionate and fair minded people, it's better
to hire care. Even if your parents are the kindest most functional folks, it can
still overwhelm and lead to exhaustion. With dysfunctional families its a
guarantee.
Best of luck with your situation. (((hugs)))
book - thx - mother is not quite back on track but doing better and I am thankful I suspect she has declined and may not return to where she was. We will see if her eating returns to three meals a day. Somehow I doubt it. But she has surprised me before. Hope you are having a great vacay! I am pretty well converted to Kindle now for reading. No worries about mold.
glad - weather had been so strange. It is warmer here again and all the snow has melted YAY!!! Granite counter tops sound lovely. I have been sleeping more too -sometimes in the daytime as well.
sharyn -thx - so glad your bro is doing better. I am feeling better - I think I have found a probiotic which works well.
ali -how is the new apartment working out?
cmag -sounds like you are getting things organised.
fraz - how is your mum doing on her new med regime?
cm and cw -excellent points!
oreo - good advice from others - I have two questions 1) Why would you even consider giving up your life 2) What is the underlying condition for the rapidly-progressive dementia and is it being treated?
I have a narc mother too and she has been known to tell tall tales about her health to get attention. Ten years ago when she was 96 she told us her liver was failing and she didn't have long to live. She is 106 now and her liver is fine. It was a bid for attention, Thankfully I knew it was at the time.
"spend as much time with her as you can, so you have no regrets" and "make happy memories". People who say that do not have narc mothers and don't understand them. Happy memories - "Hah!!!" "I got exhausted, angry and frustrated a lot." Yes!!! I think you will be scapegoated again - it is the nature of the beast (narcissism) . Look after yourself. Draw boundaries about how much you want to get sucked into this. She wants to be the center of your universe. You have a marriage and a job to look after as well as yourself. Keep them first and support your mothers "needs" (not wants) as much as you decide you can within the context of your life.
Finally it has warmed up a bit, Hopefully we will have another week without snow. I am sick of it already and winter hasn't started. My sinuses are getting better -a little relapse there but manageable. My gut were acting up, but I think I have a solution. The SPCA is down to only 3 cats. I will wait till I am feeling better anyway and see what energy I have, Some weeks I find caring for all the plants quite enough along with other household chores. I am aiming for a low stress winter. If anyone close to me has problems, they are theirs not mine -except for mother, of course, though what I can do there is very limited. I was thinking of what I am thankful for regarding her care - she is safe, fed appropriately, kept clean and dressed, has pleasant surroundings, interacts with the aides, is seen by a doctor on his weekly rounds... That her meds haven't been as well managed as I would like, and as the "should" be, is a negative, but it looks like that is being adjusted.
Hope this all makes sense, I am ready for bed again.
Take care all, and do something good for you.
Ordered light fixtures, had a very hard time finding one. Finally found online store that look like they have them. First order appeared that way too, then three days later that order was cancelled. So, when I thought I found them, I ordered, not just from one store, but several. Now it looks like I have three or four of this fixture, of which I only need one. But may change my mind on one fixture and make it the same as the four I have apparently ordered! LOL! We will see.