The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

dear cwillie, countrymouse, bettina and golden,

The RPD that she has is CJD, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (as her MRIs show the classical sign of cortical ribboning). As it is a prion disease it is 100% fatal and untreatable. I went to all the neurologists appointments with her, spoke to some of them privately, and did my own research extensively; unfortunately I understand that the doctors are statistically most likely to be correct about this diagnosis, unless time tells us otherwise. I totally get why you guys asked to be sure. This is the first time I really wish she were just making things up. In the past we did feel like she malingered a fair bit. She said at the hospital "none of you believe me when I tell you something is wrong", LOL yeah we didn't.

Now my husband and I both agree that we don't know whether her behavior is from a worsening of her dementia, or simply her underlying narcissism resurfacing insidiously. And as a healthcare professional I am supposed to be sympathetic and gentle to sick people so it really f***ing sucks.

When she was warded in the hospital undergoing all sorts of investigation to rule out CJD (and they all failed), I thought I had forgiven her and moved on. She spoke to me one-on-one, saying she always wondered what had gone wrong between the two of us, and I said "we just had a clash of personalities". I felt like there was no point rubbing into someone who was sick and dying that the truth was "you treated me like shit, of course I wouldn't want to be close to you." I thought we really could let go of the differences we had over the years and start afresh with whatever little time we have left. I guess that's why I offered to be her caregiver when she worried about that. But now all the anger and resentment has just come back all over again, because it appears that some of this old shit has NOT changed, and probably NEVER will.

I have told myself over and over again, not to take on caregiving for HER, but only if i want to do it for MYSELF, and to be prepared for the absolute worst. my dad said we could just hire a domestic helper when things go downhill (it's common in the Asian country I live in), but she refused it because she didn't want a stranger in her home. But after reading this article, I all the more think no sane person let alone me can handle being her primary caregiver and it needs to be outsourced, the end result of the disease just sounds insane: (https://medium.com/@mathilde.m/creutzfeldt-jakob-practical-guide-27ce8608cb4b)

You are all right. Boundaries will need to be drawn. I am learning that with each step of the day.

SharynM, glad your brother is getting better and able to go to rehab.

CMag, sounds like this is going to be a hectic week. Have a safe trip going out of town and get plenty of rest before and after. Glad your wife's sister and the church will be able to help out while you're gone.

Glad, I bet the granite looks really nice too. Don't you just hate that when you find a good deal online and they cancel the order? Had that happen recently with an early Christmas gift I ordered for my son. I was excited and then my order got canceled so I had to shop some more, didn't find one exactly like it but I still think he will like the one I found.

Oreo, I agree about setting boundaries and definitely not quitting your job or giving up your live to be f/t caregiver to your mom. If she is anything like mine, she will run you ragged and even then nothing will be good enough or make her happy unless she can completely take over your life. Mine too is personality-disordered with dementia and mental illness.

I just smile when well-meaning people tell me things like you mentioned. Or "you are so lucky to still have your mother". Well, I do want to help her as much as I can, but I really feel like I'm the mom in our situation, always have to a large extent. You can still be there for her and help manage her care from a distance.

Golden, glad your sinuses are getting better, and that your mom's med adjustments are helping some, at least as much as can be expected until you know if it's a decline or if she will improve as to being able to eat more, etc.

Take it easy, like you said. A low stress winter will help you keep your strength up too.

They are looking at possibly discharging mom either Thursday or Friday, from what her nurse told me today. She said mom is doing better on the new meds. They did add something at night for sleep as well. Still has been tearful at times, but not suicidal or hearing voices. Their diagnosis pretty much agrees with the other facility, except instead of the histrionic personality disorder, the doctor there seems to think she has borderline traits. They said she was manipulative with staff at times and would ask for her meds at a certain time, and if they said she had to wait until they made their rounds, she would say that she wouldn't eat until they gave them (although when they told her she needed to wait, they said she would usually start eating).

I'm cautiously optimistic. I will say with the personality disorder diagnosis, some of her behavior makes sense in that context. I suspected for a long time she had some sort of personality disorder but she had never been formally diagnosed. However, the previous facility has extensive history with her and her therapist's notes there also indicate "highly manipulative behavior".

As far as the dementia, they termed it "major neurocognitive disorder", which they told me is the new diagnostic term for dementia, but they didn't say what kind. I wonder if it's vascular, because she has had TIAs, heart issues and the diabetic coma back in 2011. She really hasn't been her "normal" self since the coma, but tests haven't been conclusive. I have rescheduled her appt with her neurologist on the 22nd.

I'm a little worried about what it will be like once she gets out. Her facility has not so far said she needs to move, but I don't know how many more times we can go through this before she gets evicted. Lately, she has been determined that she wants to move back home with me, and I've tried and the staff has tried to make everything as pleasant and comfortable for her, but she still says she wants to go home ("home" being my house). I don't want to have to move her again. I don't know that we would find a place as nice or as accommodating.

Then there is the issue with trying to get her finances straightened out. I worry about her running out of funds before we can get the house issue straightened out.

Ran out of room lol, was gonna say I'm just taking things one day at a time, praying it all works out somehow.

Greetings to all. I have been off line for quiet a while and I hope everyone is in a good place and well.

Cmag my thought were with you quite offten. Take care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate.

Sharyn, I was last reading that your brother was going into rehab and I wanted to express to you the miracles I have seen while working on the traumatic brain injury unit. I had previously been in the ER and it was absolutely amazing to see how people recover upon awakening from whatever issue that caused a coma.

Rehab is absolutely awesome. The therapist k there stuff and I have seen a woman completely paralysised from neck down. become able to wash her face, and maneuver an electric wheel chair. I wish the best for your brother. A major issue was safety. One of the main problems was patients waking up thinking they could walk and with determination to go to bathroom. It was hard to get used for most patients waking up not being as functional.

Glad, I just love hearing your dilemas with your new house. Its exciting, and fun. Also really good to hear you are happy with results.

Book, thank you for your truth and advice.

Golden, I hope things are going well with your mother.

Frazz , I hope the same for you, and your mom.

Ali I have always appreciated how you nutshell issues in such a nice short way. Your words were magical and bought tears and hope that one day I will be past all of this crazieness.

Took me over fifty years to realize that I was not ever considered and never would be. I knew I was a scapegoat. But there was nothing I could do about being blamed. But I dropped that cinderella complex quick.

It was until I came onboard here and on the Whine that I really saw and learned what was happening, what a narcissist was. How I was being gaslighted and had been programmed. I could not see my self ever leaving my mother.

The past few months have just been filled with beautiful lies from my sister and my nephews eating the poison.
I was getting blamed for everything and it was amazing to see this same phenomena that my mother did. No matter how ridiculous the accusation or lie was it was the truth to those who believed it which was every one but me.

When I felt like crying I would go on utube and learn more about narcissim, and codependence. I

What was really amazing was that I realized and accept that I have to get the hell out of doge. I still cant beleive how long it took me to get there. Its really hard living with a fascinating beatiful liar who cares about nothing. No logic. no reason. Its hard becuase I have to go against this grain I have in me to set a boundary.

I am still in process of getting to a lawyer. I have appointment coming up next month.
Some times life gets to hard to fast and stuff comes back to back in all kinds of ways. sometimes I think I am cursed. Sometimes I can barely do what I have to do to maintain myself. And sometimes I get so tired of even thinking about the sickness and dysfunction in my family. Living this crazy every day.
My apology for being off so long and more offten. Every single time something happens good or bad I think of sharing this with this family. So when I am gone off for a while please just know that you are all in my heart.


Right now my blood pressure is crazy and I have this crazy heel pain so now I am limping or tippytoeing on one foot. I setting up apts to address this. Then the dang fridge is now freezing every thing. I turned it down to lowest setting and it looks like it snowed in freezer and stuff is still freezing. Now today in frustration i asked for a new fridge and its ago except I lose the 100 I spent on service contract and have to buy another one and price depends on the model I get. Any suggestions for a good long lasting fridge. I thingking to go icemakers this time since I love ice so much. I cant believe we only had this fridge 2.5 years. I call for service evry 2-3 months.

Stay warm. (((HUGS)))

Oreo, "Asian" countries - as I'm sure you know better than I do - range from the world's most sophisticated to much less developed societies, so I hope you won't mind my asking what sort of culture we're talking about here?

Let us assume that your mother's diagnosis is correct.

Let's assume.

You are then correct in thinking that her care needs will be manifestly beyond the capabilities of a family member. The nearest equivalent of a hospice team coming to her home will have to do until she is ready to be admitted to the right hospital setting.

Work out a visiting schedule that you can cope with, but be ready to reduce it or abandon it if your mother becomes abusive or oppressively demanding.

Do not accept any formal responsibility for her welfare.

Seriously. Do not.

Listen to your husband.

Oreo, boundaries as has been suggested are necessary. Good input from everyone already. Take care of your life first.

My bro gets moved today. He will be closer to home so my sil can go home instead of staying in the Bay Area. He is very weak but the physical therapy should improve that for him. They will wean him off the trach.

It was 25 degrees yesterday morning. It zapped my basil plant to no return, lol! Warming up today and for the rest of the week. We should hit the 60’s for late afternoons.

Stay warm, it’s not even winter yet.

Here's something that I should have been upset about a while back when it was done, but I'm upset about it now.

My step-sister made the mistake of putting her name of the account she created for my dad for the money from the sale of his house back in May. She was his POA and did not need to do that. She is also the exectrix of the estate and knows my dad's wishes about his money. Now she has to find out from the IRS if there is a way to get around the gifting tax for those whom she will distribute the money to. She should have known better. She is an H&R Block trained tax person. I wonder if it was even legal for her to put her name on my dad's account for the money that came from the sale of his house. At least she is willing to abide by my dad's will, but only to her benefit.

I assumed that we would never see this money, but would be spent on my dad's care once his long term care insurance ran out.

Even though we had help here today, my wife over did it while I had to be gone for the whole afternoon. Her excuse. Well, they were not hired to help me with lunch or my meds. mmmmmmm It was a very nice lady and her son who were cleaning. I'm sure they would have not minded taking the time to help her. She's not a good patient. So, she's back to throwing up again.

Hi Country! Long time no "See"! Great advice, as usual.

Cmag, I think she knew exactly what she was doing. Hang in there and take care of your self.

I am missing my girlfriend a lot. So many times I want to call her. I also miss my crazy cousin Larry. I dream of them both every now and then very happy to see them knowing they have passed on and happy at how good they look.

My cousin Sham is steal struggling with ca lung and stomach probably everywhere. she is such a trooper. Been through so many bouts with ca. Her daughter is pregnant. She was pregnant with this daughter when her mother passed on.

Now it seems like another cousin just passed away. I was checking Facebook and saw this cousin who came to visit my mother often just like his grandfather for some reason.. But anyways he posted his mothers picture. she did not attend the grandfathers funeral (her father) there was some type of falling out. I dont know when or what but I dont think I can take another funeral. His mother was the cutest little girl with the cutest little birthmark on her face. Pretty, there are a lot of us that became close even for a small stint as we grew up because our parents were very close and united. The father passed away about two years ago. My mother still had some of her mentality. My nephew picked her up and took her to the funeral. didn't ask me if I was going or wanted to go. I took a bus. Almost didn't sit next to them but went on and put on the fraud that we were a close family.

Anyways, I am glad I see the light even though it hurts like hell. I am worn out!! I see how God is working in my life and working things out. I see how I need to step back and let go.

How do I stop trying to fix everything and save everybody but can't help myself.
What gives me hope is know things always work out for the good eventually.
I am not looking forward to the job ahead of me.

Oh! and this afternoon as I tried to get my mother to eat before I left for work. I believe she said I love you. Sometimes posting is so hard, I just made my self cry. But it came out like how a toddler is on a role talking a says a clear sentence or a clear mumble that makes you do a double take and say did you hear that. Anyway we were straight eye to eye when she said it. She didn't want to eat at all.

Its silly for me to say i dont understand. But i really dont understand what the problem is about getting a home attendant and even asking the doctor to write scrip for suplement ensure. These and so many more services, my mother is entiltled to worked all her life. Its just crazy. Same crazy everyday just a different day.

Well, I will be off line for a few. Sometimes I try to engage with my phone but its so awkward and slow and hard to see what I am doing.

I wish you all blessings of love peace and light.

Be good to yourselves, and smile.

to countrymouse:

I come from Singapore, so I guess we're one of the best in the region when it comes to healthcare. I'm sorry I've been so cryptic about my location and my mother's diagnosis so far. This sounds crazy but I'm terrified that someone I know may come across this posts and there are so much identifiers here that it's undeniably me posting... The worst would be if my family discovers this, cue the absolute meltdown from them all...

I have looked at hospice options. We have home care hospice services, day hospices, inpatient hospices and of course, hospitals itself, depending on the severity of the patient's condition. And there are government-linked organizations that can help arrange everything with heavy subsidies; some services might even be free. We just need a referral from our neurologist to set things up.

The shitty thing, is that when my mother was fretting over her future care plans, I contacted our neurologist by email to ask if they could set us up for Advance Care Planning with trained personnel. BUUUUUT then my mom changed her mind and said it was too depressing to have to discuss such matters, and that my brother would not want to do it, so--OK! I don't care anymore! I'm just gonna let go!

Yes, now I know not to let myself get trapped. Thank you all so much for your great tips. My family should just outsource for all our sanity's sake. Let me just play daughter, and not nurse. I have also told myself not to help them make ANY decisions, lest they blame me for it when they feel things go wrong. I will let go, let go, let go, and just go back to how I survived in my childhood--being a bystander.

To DDDuck
"I was getting blamed for everything" -- I totally understand this. When I lived with them, during my adolescence years I pretty much shouted this all the time in our arguments: "fine, everything is my fault, okay? the end".

Please take care of yourself, I hope you've gotten yourself to a doctor, the blood pressure sounds worrying. Physical ailments can be a result of terrible stress and worry, which in return exacerbate our emotional and mental worries because we're not feeling well, creating a really vicious cycle on our bodies.

When you say "how do I stop trying to fix everything and save everybody but can't help myself", I had that problem initially too, wanting to do everything "right" for my family, but now I tell myself to let go, and not to hold on to things so much--it's the only way to keep my sanity. You asked us to be good to ourselves, so remember to be good yourself too, and sometimes the only way we can do that is to simply let go of trying to help others out of their problems. As we are not experts, we can't save people who are drowning by throwing ourselves into the sea with them, or we might very well be pulled down with them too?

To Frazzledmama
I hope things get better for you. Yes, let's just take one day at a time, I've found that thinking and worrying about the future just becomes exhausting at some point of time. Is your mom a very negative or picky person by any chance? When you talk about how the staff and you have tried so hard and that you "don't know that we would find a place as nice or as accommodating", I somehow think of my own mom who always nitpicks on everything--some people are just impossible to please. Do you think that your mom wanting to move in with you might be still a way of her wanting to manipulate you?

To Sharyn
I hope physical therapy will help your brother greatly, may he get better soon!!!

To Cmag,
I honestly don't know how you have managed to take care of your dad and then your wife for such a long time, you are an amazing trooper, you know that? Hang in there and we are here for you.

glad - you are having fun??? Good luck getting the light fixtures sorted out.

oreo - Good, I wondered about CJD. That is serious and untreatable. Nobody can sort out how much of her behaviour is due to her personality issues, and how much is due to the disease, The fact is she is very difficult to deal with. You are first and foremost her daughter - never mind the health care professional. You are not alone in finding that the anger and resentment wells up easily again when again you are in close quarters with your mum. I have read it before here and experience it myself. I think it is highly unlikely that the old stuff will change. Your dad is right and he is the one in the position to act as regards your mum's care. Outside help is what is needed. Let go of the guilt and fantasies that things will be better this time and look after yourself. We will reinforce you keeping good boundaries!!!

fraz - . It took till age 96 for my mother to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. They didn't do anything to follow up. Later after a year in a geri psych hospital where she was diagnosed and finally accepted treatment she was transferred to an ALF that specialized in people with mental illnesses. I am in Canada - our systems are different from the US. Vascular dementia sounds like a possibility, Time will tell. I understand you being nervous re her facility. Hopefully the meds will work well enough for her to manage. "No!", is the answer to her moving to your home, For years I made it clear to mother that my home was not an option for her at any point. My jaw still drops when I hear "you are so lucky to still have your mother". I don't know what to say. I hear you about being a caregiver since very young. I am really tired of it, but I will do what has to be done. Sorry you have financial issues to deal with as well. Fortunately mother has a great financial adviser and has managed her money well. One day at a time is good, and so is praying. I do a lot of that.

duck -good to hear from you. Do you take BP meds? I have had heel pain and found that stretching my ankles in the am before I got out of bed helped a lot. It sounds like you are learning lots about narcissism which is good. Hope plans for moving out are coming together.

cm - very good points. Re Christmas in France, which you mentioned some time ago, surely your future mil is a seasoned enough hostess to have plans for the 5 days so that no one will get on anyone's nerves. Worst comes to worst you can hide in your room a lot and/or go for long walks.

sharyn - that is good progress for your bro and great that he will be closer to home. PT will be very good for him. Our temps are hovering around freezing -a little above this week thankfully. 60's sounds balmy to me.

cmag - doesn't sound like it was handled right. It will be nice for your family if you get something from it.

Well the bad news - not so bad but...is that the sweats are back. Not sure where they are coming from. Sinus is still not quite right, guts are a bit off or it could be the CFS or a combination. They are all things I can work on. The good news is that my hair salon is offering nail fills again. Makes my life easier and the gal does a good job.

Take care all and have a good night!

oreo - we virtually cross posted. Sounds like you have got it together! Not helping make any decisions as you will be blamed is great. Not that, in my experience, a narcissist can't blame you anyway but you will feel better about it. Well done!

Oreo, I know this will sound cruel. But it is a sort of silver lining.

If your mother's diagnosis is correct, it will make not a ha'porth of difference how skilled the care planning is. That would be like kitting a car out with airbags, seat belts and the latest side impact systems and then driving it at 200 mph into a concrete wall.

Perhaps spend a little time selecting agencies and service providers whose reputation you're happy with, to have on standby in case of need. Do this for you own peace of mind, mainly so that if you do find yourself unavoidably stuck with a task you are immediately able to delegate.

I saw a document from the bank today that showed how much more my step siblings are getting of my dad's IRA than I am. The only reason for this must be my step-mother's influence. She didn't like me and this is how it worked out. It's the principle of the thing that bothers me the most.

Tomorrow, I leave for my dad's first memorial service in Maryland where he lived since 1962.

The next week, I drive to Ohio.

Well, one of the friendly aides at the NH called and the doctor saw mother today who expressed that she is in a lot of pain, so he prescribed Dilaudid (hydromorphone). I knew that was the next step for her pain control, and it also signifies another step down in her condition. I hate that she is suffering.

I am still troubled by the sinus infection, gut issues, sweats etc., but I need to get down there as soon as I can and see how she is. Her breathing was laboured in May, which I had never seen before. I suspect it is worse now, I also have to get to the funeral home and start making arrangements I know she is closer to the end and want to get some of that out of the way to make it easier for later.

Good news is that dd says my oldest grandson is doing very well. He has Asperger's. has a part time job and is planning on getting his own apartment. The job was project, but is now permanent part time and they have got him doing some computer work which he is good at.

cmag - doesn't seem fair. Hope you have a safe trip.

Take care all.

Well, I'll post this here cause it is the dysfunction thread. I know you are all having your own health problems and then the continuous health concerns of your ailing loved ones, so I almost feel like I'm being a bit selfish posting this but anyhow.

So, I think I mentioned that my family got together for Canadian Thanksgiving. My narc sis was at it again. Talking over me, interrupting, making me feel small. I seriously don't even think she knows that she does it. It's so ingrained in her character. So I spent the next few days seething and feeling sad, frustrated, angry at her, angry at myself for taking it. But I've really been trying to be the bigger person. Turn the other cheek. Do the right thing. All that good stuff. So, she and her husband left for a holiday. I e-mailed saying have a good trip, stay safe. I know I probably sound stupid but I'm really trying here. Trying to keep relations with my not close family. She comes back with thank-you but then starts on about my other sister, trying to create a rift there.

It's so disheartening to always see my family members taking sides. Why do we have to take sides? Aren't we a family? Aren't we supposed to be on each others side? Am I naive? Am I just asking for trouble by being nice?

Some may ask, what's this got to do with care giving. But you see, my Mom's dying wish was we would be close as a family. I get so depressed when I'm around my siblings. It takes days for me to recover from a family get together. I always leave these events feeling isolated and alone and lonely. Just like I always used to feel when I was young. I used to think there was something wrong with me but I think there is something very wrong with my family. It's sad.

Anyway, just needed to vent. Thx for listening.

((((Hugs))))), Gershun. This mist be so painful.

I've watched this in DH's family. His mom talked alot about family unity but held long-standing grudges against various family members and gossiped with each kid about the others.

Not a way to teach your children to hang together.

Gershun, I'm a bit prone to "knight's move" thinking so bear with me.

There is a *wonderful* tv series called 'Last Tango In Halifax' by the incomparable Sally Wainwright. A propos of nothing at all I can recommend it heartily, it's terrific viewing.

Anyway. Not to spoil the story, but there comes a point where one lead character (A) is extremely angry with another lead character (B), and this comes about just as B is about to marry her female fiancée. Being both angry and drunk, alas, A reflexively texts B "f*** you you mad dyke I hope you have a sh*t day."

Its being B's wedding day, B doesn't see the text until the following morning, when she and her (adorable) wife are lingering over their happy new memories. B and Mrs B are puzzled by the message, being completely ignorant of A's fury; and between them decide that, knowing A, it's most likely her idea of an affectionate joke.

So when A - now hungover, repentant and better informed - gets B's reply, it is...

"Thank you :)"

So Narc Sister decides to unload her catty gossip about Other Sister on you. This makes you sad, and depressed, and regretful. As you might well be if, for example, you'd stumbled over your choice of today's "man's inhumanity to man" making countless thousands mourn.

But how you *respond* to it makes all the difference. Ummm, e.g. "yes, and she speaks so highly of you too."

Find your own way to disagree with NS, and to behave as you think is right and kind. I know she thinks she's bigger stronger better richer more talented more stylish righter cleverer blahblahblah-er, and just going along with such people is an easy habit to form. But she's not *correct* about this, you know. You can make changes without her co-operation.

Cmag, very disappointing, I’m sorry. It’s so hard dealing with after life issues of our parents.

(((Hugs))) Gershun! It seems to me I see so much competitiveness between adult siblings. I don’t know if it’s inherent or what it’s cause. I agree with you, family should be a warm soft place.

Golden, I hope your mom’s pain can be managed quickly. You have a lot going on with your own health too. Hoping your trip will not be too taxing on your energy.

CM you are such a riot! Seriously! I must admit I did have to read your post a few times to weed out the message you were trying to convey but it did make me laugh and I'm seriously laugh deprived these days so Well Done!

It does say in the Bible that being kind to your enemies is like heaping hot coals over their head. I know that's not exactly what it says but close I believe. The thing is I don't want enemies and I certainly don't want my siblings to be my enemies.

But, I will continue to try to do the right thing. I do believe if you want to make a situation better doing the right thing is mandatory. I know everyone has their own version of the right thing but I'm certainly not going to roll around in the muck with the dogs and rise up with fleas. I'll try to stay clean and flealess.

Thank-you all for raising my spirits with your kind responses. I'd truly be lost without this site and all you good people.

gershun - nothing wrong with you. It's them. No one wants enemies, but sometimes you have them anyway and there is nothing you can do about it. Just be true to yourself. I doubt you can change the relationships.

sharyn thx - I think the sinuses are getting better. If I am not quite better I won't go. No point in going and getting worse,

fraz -how is your mum doing?

I called a nurse at the NH and asked how much mother was declining and if they thought she was approaching the end and she laughed and said, "No. she is amazing," The morphine is lowest dose and strictly for pain control. Then I asked if she had had any weight loss, but the RN didn't know, so I will ask the aide next time I talk to her. I asked the nurse abut her breathing and she said she hadn't noticed that it was laboured at all. Mother had a "china doll" complexion with lovely pink cheeks up until this year when she became pale. I do want to see how she is myself. If the dilaudid controls the pain better her appetite may improve. Pain does nasty things to a person.
Nonetheless, I called the funeral home and got some information emailed to me so I can discuss things with the kids and make a few choices. When I get down there, I can finalize arrangements. It is the place I used for my youngest son. Mother was there for his funeral and liked it. They have a nice viewing room which we will not use, a lovely chapel, a nice gathering area and beautiful grounds.. I doubt that there would be 15 people there as she has outlived most of her friends and alienated the others and there is not much family out west. Later I will arrange a memorial service in our old home town church down east and the urn will be buried next to my dad's in the local cemetery. There is more family in that area and some of them might come. I want to do the services properly. Mother liked "occasions" and these will be her last ones.

Feeling more at rest about it all now. Taking lots of cold medicine and hoping I can sleep better tonight.

It was a lovely fall day and the weatherman promises we will keep this weather for a while. I hope so!

Golden, take care of you. Hope mom's pain is controllable. Hope it stays fall for you. This week we have fall back, but it was so cold over the weekend that leaves just fell, not much color to them.

Magnum, must be difficult to see how dad's asset will be divided. My grandma passed before my step grandpa. She did not have much in assets. If she hadn't remarried there would not have been much there. Step grandpa passed and we were shocked that we were in his will to equally share his estate with his six children. Maybe it was a way for my grandma to provide for us since we lost my dad so young. Step grandpa was a very kind man. I have wondered how his kids felt about it. Never a hint of dysfunction, course they were about 1,000 miles away. I am not sure if I ever met all of them.

Fraz, how is mom?

I have read CM's post a couple of times, went right over my head! Maybe it is just too late for too much cerebral thinking.

Always remember, gershun, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I prefer the detach method. I do not do well putting on fronts for the benefit of others. I do not play politics well either. Too inclined to speak my mind.

Well, light fixtures arrived. I only ordered two of one that I need. Maybe one will be broken. Returning with amazon is quite easy. And in this small town never a line at UPS. Love it here.

Backsplash in kitchen is in. It looks much bluer than I was expecting, thought it would look more grayish. Maybe it will tone down when I get some other items in the house. Get out my collection of blue bottles, very blue bottles, maybe that will make the tile look more grayish? Is there a way to tone down glass tile? Contractor has not built in this subdivision before. Waited too long to get natural gas run to house. This is the first indicator that closing may be delayed. Utility provider took 30 days to just get the request for natural gas processed. Water heater is in. Getting closer, but looks like completion will be delayed.

Ad this crazy cat has been using boxes to jump up on dresser. She has just found out what she looks like. Course the way she looks in the mirror I don't think she realizes it is her and not another cat. Cheap and free entertainment!🐱

Odd, when I click on like it gives two likes. Anyhow............

Thank-you Golden, and you are right. My relationships with family probably won't change. I can always hope. I do believe in miracles. I don't know if I've ever experienced one but ya never know what kind of scraps God has gotten me out of that I was not aware of at the time. Anyway, hope you start to feel better.

Glad, I agree. I don't do good putting on fronts either. It wearies me. I'd rather just be quiet and risk being thought of as a fool than open my mouth and remove all doubt. Others in my family do the opposite most of the time. Everyone likes to drink too much and get loud. I don't drink much and when I do I get quiet, or even more quiet when I'm around them. One of my cats likes to look in mirrors too. My Hubs parents house has a skylight and he would cower every time he looked up and saw his reflection. He'd drag his belly across the floor like cats do when they get scared. Amusing.

Gershun, you do also have the option of giving it up as a bad job, you know.

The reason I find it easier to stick with this solution myself is that I am not nearly as like my mother as my sister believes. For years and years and years, more than ten anyway, most Sunday mornings my mother loyally visited her two sisters and had coffee with them. They met in the middle sister's flat.

My mother quite liked the middle sister. But the oldest of three, when all is said and done, was a right bitch. Crushing, cynical, bitter, and self-righteous. Sometimes descending to outright spiteful. My mother would sigh: "she *means* well..." and this was true. I'm sure my aunt did believe that she always had people's own good at heart. Most people do "mean well." But that does not mean that you have to put up with their company if you find them hurtful and depressing. Unfortunately I could never get mother to see that, and every Sunday she drove round there with her heart in her boots, believing she had to go.

My sister persists in sending me get in touch messages. Not often, it's not harassment or anything, but I am surprised that after a two and a half year silence she does not yet seem to have received *my* message that if I never see her again that'll be quite soon enough. Clearly, she thinks that if you have siblings you're stuck with them no matter what your aversion to their personality (she has never successfully hidden her aversion to me, though most of the time she wasn't even trying). I disagree. I think if repeated experience has shown that relationships with your siblings do not work, it is fine to wish them both well and a long way from your door.

You credit your people with too much power. You are free to select how you deal with them in any way you choose - including, if it suits you, not at all.

Sometimes the like ticker will advance more than once when clicking it. I am usually able to see that someone other than me has liked a comment at the same time as I have.

CM, I rarely see my siblings to be honest. Once a year at Christmas and even then my one sister who lives out of town doesn't try to make the trip anymore since Mom died.

Last year at Christmas another sister and her family skipped Christmas as well. My narc sis who always has Christmas at her place said once "I'll keep on making the dinner and whoever wants to come can come" I sat up one night chortling to myself imagining her making dinner and people showing up, grabbing a to go plate and leaving. LOL, Can you imagine? Hell, she could arrange a little drive through window at her place and we could all nod at each other in passing as we drive away. LOL,

CM, I get what you are saying. I guess I've been feeling lonely, missing my Mom and hoping I could possibly fill the family void with my sibs. But, probably won't happen. Not in this lifetime anyway. I can always hope though.

The first Memorial Service for my dad went well. I took a photo board of photos of my dad with my mother and me and from selected trips down through the years plus photos of dad with my sons along with my elderly dad with his baby brother. I also brought a picture of his invention and of the diesile engine that his research and development department designed. My step-sister offered the picture boards that she had made. I took them and will use them in the room where everyone will gather after his Memorial Mass in his home church in Ohio.

The hospice chaplain was good and helpful, but he just kept talking and talking. Evidently, my step-sister asked him to read dad's obituary.

It was nice to hear my step-sister say that my dad did not treat her as a step-daughter, but as a daughter. That was not true of how her mother treated me for 35 years and my step-sister apologized for that when her mother died 5 years ago. My mother did not relate well and did not care to with her step-children. My mother's second marriage did not go well either. When I graduated from high school, she left to live at the beach house unless I was coming home to visit.

I learned today from my step-sister that my dad had to pay a $5,000 bond every month when he drove down to visit me. Think about how much $5,000 was worth back in 1961? My mom's side of the family has told me about that and how wrong they thought that was.

My dad has 49 nieces and nephews plus numerous great nieces and nephews in Ohio and nearby. He has one living sibling. He and my cousins with their families plus people who remember him in the area will come to that service. His Godchild and I will be doing the eulogy.

Since the obituary that my dad wrote was too long plus too expensive ($700) to publish in one paper in Ohio, I had the funeral home make a very short obituary for two of the Ohio papers and that cost about $350.

I am going to print my dad's full obituary with some editing for those who attend his Memorial Mass.

It is just too much to expect people in Ohio to drive to Maryland. I asked my relatives in Ohio and they all wanted the service in his home church. I drive back home on Sunday. Next Thursday, I leave on a two day trip to Ohio where his Memorial Mass will be on Saturday. We are anticipating about 75, if not more.

I'm thinking about taking dad's Godchild a special gift from what I inherited from my dad. My dad always took her a gift when he visited her family. I feel very lonely today.

Gershun - we're only here for the trimmings! would be funny. But her making the dinner and nobody showing at all...

It's difficult. The rare occasions when a narc is hurt, with good reason, and can't disguise it are very hard for people of normal sensibilities to witness. Because we are normal, we can't bear to look. Even if, all said and done, the narc has only herself to blame.

It puts me in mind of my ex-husband's grandmother's birthday, the first year she was in a nursing home (various care options had been tried and come to grief). My prize narc MIL organised Champagne and sandwiches for her ever-glamorous mother, and issued a three-line whip invitation to close family, who dutifully assembled in GGM's room for the little party.

It was not one of GGM's good days, alas - things got thrown, ungrateful insults among them, and the whole scene might have had great comic value if it had been fiction. But it wasn't, and I saw MIL's desperation, and my stony grudge-laden heart went out to her.

Also.

You can always hope, yes. But wouldn't it be better to hope for something you're more likely to like if you get it?

They say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. You love your family very much, and always will, they're your family. But these do not seem to be individuals on your wavelength, people whose company you enjoy, people you can talk to and be at ease with. When it comes to good ways to spend your run-of-the-mill time and feel less alone, they're not going to do it for you. Not ever.

Not being a joiner-in myself, I know how difficult it can be to connect with others and you won't do that overnight. But you can make a start. You can't possibly be the only person in your community who would like to have a coffee with someone, or see a movie, or discuss a book. If you won't make a move for yourself, what about making it for the others near you who are also wishing they weren't on their own?

I have a small headache. Small but annoying. The annoyances are numbered.

A month ago #1, against my better judgement if I'm honest #2, I was coaxed into accepting an invitation to my SIL's home in London #3 for dinner and an overnight stay #4.

I expected there to be a certain amount of rolling up sleeves, washing dishes and waiting at table - always is, SIL is a loving but useless hostess - and made sure to get there early enough to help.

I didn't quite expect that she would have thought that one leg of lamb would feed fourteen people. Buttoning my lip, I put my coat back on and walked to the store that she claimed was just round the corner (round the corner and half a mile up a busy road in the rush hour #5, but I'm sure the exercise - should have seen me scuttle across that bus lane, life in my hands - did me good).

Walking back, in high heels #6, as much lamb as they'd had heavier and £18 lighter #7, I worked myself into a fine grump reflecting that I had let myself be wheedled into an evening that was proving expensive, uncomfortable and hard work and had no one else to blame. Humph, I thought. Drive 125 miles and buy your own dinner. Thanks a lot! And this was before my evil ex husband swapped the seating plan around when no one was looking and left me stuck with his mother all night.

SIL was very grateful for the lamb. She said I must give her the bill #8. She said she must look for her purse #9. I didn't care about the bloody bill #10.

I had just got over all this and genuinely forgotten it, when last week SIL calls my landline #11, then my cellphone #12, then my landline #13 in quick succession. I stop running from room to room and go outside for a cigarette and who can blame me. Now calm, I ring her back. Ah! There I am! She would like my address so that she can send me a cheque for the lamb. I say I will email it to her. No, she wants my postal address. Yes, I will email it to you. No, not your email address. No - I mean, I will type my postal address onto an email which I shall then send to you.

I did not say: if you think I believe that you can take down an address over the phone without making a prolonged hash of it then you have forgotten how long our acquaintance is.

Phewf. We move on. She tells me that she has booked her hotel room ready for my daughter's new wedding date. The new date is certainly news to me #14. Thanks for passing that on. She has bought her outfit for stepdaughter's wedding in February. It is a dress and jacket with a matching passionflower print, and matching shoes and handbag. [She is going to look like a happy triffid.] Have I bought my outfit? I have not. Mother of the bride! I am aware. Although I am unable to shake the feeling that the bride must think of me more as the bad fairy - when was she planning to let me know about the change of date and venue..?

I love my SIL very much. She is a good, loving and *clever* human being. She also at times makes me want to stick my head into a food disposal unit.

Today I have received a nice letter and a cheque for £30. Both are from my BIL.

Do I cash it and not worry that it's nearly twice as much as they owe me?
Not cash it, and feel aggrieved all over again?
Send it back and ask for another?
Frame it?
Hang onto it until I next see them and ask them to amend it?

I think I will try to forget it. All of it.