The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden - sounds like your mom is getting stabilized. Hope the pain meds help her and continue to improve her appetite. I'm glad you've been able to feel more at rest with everything, I know it is stressful.

CMag- What was the bond for? It would have been lot back in the 60s, especially. The gift to your Godchild sounds special, I bet it will be treasured. Thinking of and praying for you over the next few days.

Gershun- I know what you mean about longing for the family closeness that will never be. I have gone NC with some family on mom's side; others, it's hey, how are you, every now and then. Holidays we either spend just us and the kids or with my husband's family. Although, since they live out of state, we can't always make it. I hated the holidays growing up and for a long time as an adult because there was always stress, fighting, drama, etc.

Since I went NC and started creating traditions that were important to me and our little family here, that are just ours, not other people's that we for years felt compelled to follow, I actually now look forward to the holidays as they are much more peaceful, at least most of the time, unless we have mom drama going on.

It does feel lonely sometimes, but I'm not good at faking it either. I'd rather spend time with a few that are dear to me than with a bunch of people I don't like.

CM- Reading your story about your ex-MIL and her mom made me sad. It is true that even someone who is narcissistic can get hurt sometimes, and that it's really hard to watch. I see it with my mom and her mom, and it's a thing in my family with the women trying to please mothers who can't/don't know how/didn't love them like they needed or couldn't be the mom they needed. *Raising hand here too* Your MIL was, in that moment, like the little girl trying desperately to please her mother. I'm trying to be to my daughters the mom I needed but didn't have. It's the only way I know to break the cycle.

Speaking of mom, she was discharged yesterday back to her facility. They had mentioned possibly waiting until next week, but I guess the doctor felt that she was stable enough to be released already.

Her therapist there called me during the discharge planning process and said that she feels mom needs NH care, as she's not sure how long mom will be stable where she is with a lower level of care. She feels like sooner or later we will probably experience a repeat episode. I'm inclined to agree. I explained about my legal hurdles getting finances straightened out, all the trouble with my sister taking her savings and leaving her almost broke, etc. She advised that as soon as I can get it all straightened out, I should probably look into moving mom to a NH that specializes in people with mental illness. She gave me the name and number of a place not too far from here. Called and inquired about pricing, etc. I will keep that info handy for the near future. In the meantime, I hope she can thrive where she is for now, at least to buy us some time.

She did seem calmer when I went up there yesterday. Still had some paranoia but not nearly the agitation and nervousness as before. She did actually go down to dinner and sit at the table with some other ladies and socialize, which is good. Time will tell. Still cautiously optimistic, but without getting my hopes up too much.

CM, about the check, I say, take it to the bank, cash it, stick the money in your purse, then forget about all of it :)

Agree with Fraz. Deposit the check CM, if you must do so, give them the difference.

The the bond money was to make sure that my dad brought me back to my mom when he visited me. In my opinion and in her brother's opinion, she was just making it more difficult for Dad to be able to visit me.

Banked it! Ha!

Still blushing.

CMag the "make sure you bring him back" bond sounds like a lawyer's suggestion to me. Unless one is a lawyer, or a keen watcher of Tarantino films, I don't think the idea of a bond would pop into one's head would it?

Countrymouse,

My dad paid that bond and got it back once a month for 14 years plus other times when he visited me.

Ah, so much to ponder here. First off, Magnum, I'm sorry you are sad. It's going to take time. Hang in there.

When we had Mom's little service at the park, I think I was still in a daze to be honest. My one sister said, "I didn't see you crying" Well no, partially cause I had arranged the service and was hoping it would go off without a hitch, or my B I L acting like an ass as he is wont to do. He generally brings a case of beer with him where ever he goes so I was thankful that didn't happen. In fact I requested that my narc sis serve only beer and nothing stronger so that no one would resort to their baser nature at the lunch at her place afterward. Plus, I think I'd cried so much by then that my tear ducts weren't working properly. I don't usually cry in public. I've always been the type to go off by myself somewhere and bawl.

Countrymouse, going out and making friends with strangers is the last thing on my list right now to be honest. As much as I feel I need to get out, I'm not the type to join or go up to a stranger and chat. I have been applying for part-time positions etc. and am also going to possibly look into volunteer work of some kind. Then, hopefully, I could make some new friends that way.

I think one of the reasons I always feel defeated after family occasions isn't just because of narc sis but also cause I'm always hoping this time will be different. You'd think I'd of learned by now.

Gershun, after I got married, I would leave my family get together when I felt the tension rising. I could always tell by remarks my mom wou,d start saying. I avoided being there when all he!! Broke lose. For some reason my sister always stayed. She said she thought she could fix the situations.

glad - thx -getting there. I am hoping that the next communication with the NH will report an improvement. So far the nice weather is holding. I don't do politics well either. Re the back splash -maybe a certain colour of light bulbs would tone down the blue. I guess a delay in closing is inevitable.

gershun, thx, doing better- I hoped for years that things would work with my sis and mother, but finally kept getting hurt so decided I would accept how people were and act accordingly -keep my distance. I can't say there is much I miss about my family except for my dad who has been gone 40 years. Volunteering sounds like a good idea. I have always enjoyed it,

cm - my sis keeps up the front too - the appearance of being interested in a relationship when, in fact, she isn't. But she is interested in having me around to play her games. I have opted out. You have such a interesting (challenging) social life! That was a lot of annoyances. You did right by cashing the cheque.

cmag - glad the service went well. Have a safe trip tomorrow. Obviously the visits with you were very important to your dad. Itshould be good for you to see your cousins at the Memorial mass. Sorry you are feeling lonely. You may for a while.

fraz - I hope mother's pain is under better control. Yes it is stressful. We are the ones who are overseeing their care and strive to do a good job. Sometimes I feel quite helpless. I know you are going through worse. BTDT. It was an awful time and my sis was in there supporting mother's inappropriate ideas. Re holidays we have had to develop our own traditions too and they change as the kids grow up and have their own families. Our whole home life when I was a child was drama, fighting, tension. tension. tension - walking on eggshells. Horrible. Sounds like they are getting a plan for your mum. I hope the financial mess gets sorted soon. An NH specializing in people with mental illness sounds good for me. It really worked well for mother.,

sharyn - that was very sensible of you and sounds like your sis to try to fix things. I learned to leave mother when she started on a rant. There was no benefit to staying and lots of grief.

Bedtime here - take care all. Be good to you.

Well, I am back home from the first memorial service. One comment that I could have done without was hearing my step-sister tell me that she is glad that my mom left my dad so that she could meet my dad. Truth be told, he was nice to her, but her mother was mean to me and her mother was mean to my dad.

I learned that the bond that dad paid down was $5,000 for each visit which he got back after the visit.

I just looked up the current inflation value of the $5,000 bond that my dad had to put down each time he visited me as promise money that he would bring me back.

The current value of $5,000 from back then is 41,363.09

I almost stopped by my mom's grave to tell her what I think of what she did, but decided I wanted to get home more. Maybe on the trip back from Ohio for I pass very near the cemetery.

cmag - glad you are safely home. People can open their mouth and put their foot in it at these times, Maybe stopping by your mum's grave after the Ohio service would be a good thing for you, Take care.

Hi All! I have just finished trying to catch up. A lot happens on this thread in four or five days. Then had on my mind for quite a while to respond to older posts.

Golden, I hope your sinus issue is better and I wish you all the best in coping with the situaton with your mother. I know as much dysfunction I have with my mother if you stick her with a pin I feel it. So I can imagine the toll on your heart. I how much worse it can be on top off past losses. My heart is with you always I admire your strength.

I have always been the strength and support for my family and friends. I'd be there solid and strong. After so many loses, I cry and hurt easy, now and I feel worn and torn and then I spoke to my friend O who was my prayer partner at one time and the conversation ended with him saying I was stronger in a different way. After I was like, no! I cant handle stuff like I used to . Then I thought about it. He was right.

I admire your strength. I see myself there at some point.

I take bp meds for many years. I have uncontrolled HTN at times. after finally seeing a cardiac specialist. (this was after I moved back in my mothers house with her and my sister, I kept getting threatened with admission to hospital if my pressure did not go down. so I had to sit in office for a while after medication.
anyways the cardiaologist after some trial and error put me on three meds. The third family of meds makes me itch for some reason so I only take two different meds one of which he says they can keep increasing if needed. so I just take an extra pill adjust my diet and salt. So far its a lot better more like my normal high. I bouhht one of those one dish instant mash potato pouch. Dang! it was delicious , I didnt eat the whole thing but enough to trigger a blow up which is just comming down. My bigh problem is the diastolic or bottom number.

Oh and Golden, you were right on point with exerciseing the foot. I have been reading up on this issue and it does help. I ordered a foot spling for sleep I still dont think I got it right but it helps a little. Plus cod liver oil. it helps in healing.
Still have the heel pain, it up and down. Funny, now the hip pain and knee not listening to my demands is gone. Amazing. Thank goodness these things take turns. Sometimes its scary.

Oreo, that scapegoat stuff is very painful. Its also so riduculous. The gatedoor under the stoop is falling in. coming apart from stoop normal wear and tear, not to mention my mother always used a shover to brace against the wall to the gate for extra protection. So lots of times even having the key to open gate I had to ring bell to get it was obvious that the tension would cause erosion at the attachment. It even cased erosion in the door at the point of where she put the handle. But of course someone is trying to steal the gate now. Then the house has become a target. There are two main doors one is wooden which is the one we need a key to get in and out of. When I briefly started just leaveing gate unlocked but closed when I started running errands. There was markings that some one was scraping to door. The blinds are open mostly in the summer and you could look right in. There is really nothing in the house. The larger flatscreen is broken that was gone when I came from trip to Korea and the old large heavy tv is back.. There i another medium sized flat screen in kitchen. Nothing else. Anyways, I was in house when I hear this noise like someone slammed a door real hard. I ran to window to see who was leaving or coming in and saw no one. I went back in hall waiting an listening to hear a key turn. There are 6 people who have keys. Noone was there. When I left out to run errand I could barely open or close gate. So anyways I text nephew about door and tell him I cant wait to see how he and his mother figure me into it. Other than that I see he has same gene that my mother and sister had. Either that or he is stuck on stupid like I was for most of my life.

The good thing is that I realize my mistake in not believing my mother and my sister when they showed me who they were. A few years in but now I believe him too! so I try to avoid as much commucation unless absolutely necessary.
It still behooves me when I am off how I clean and cook and then when my sister is off she continues to straight up stairs when she comes in. Leaves her coffee and a mcd breakfast sausage and pancakes. Which i often find on table. att least now she cuts the pancakes. Last years I was so tired of cleaning syrup spills in fridge amonsgt other spills. Scrubbing syrup off table where it dried or off the floor.

Anyways, it me or them. I'm not trying blow a fuse with my pressure fluctuating. Sometimes when my nephew text me I feel like some one is choking the s#$% out of me my head gets so tight.

I have been thought all that maybe its me s%^& I did it with my mother and my sister. Im putting an end to it. Anything I ask or say is reasonable.Can you ask doctor for a script for ensure. Can you ask doc to refer her to podiatrist. she needs a home attendant. fix the door. The ignorance and malice is sickning. I have applied for a lot of complexes being built here in NYC the rentals are based on income and unfrtunately a lot of times I am over the highest bracket or under the lowest income bracket for eligibilty.

Mean while the refrigerator molding is off again. Its still fressing things and I should have a new one coming in sometime next week.Once they process the paper work I can pick and or upgrade. I am going for a whirlpool this time. The fridgedaire is mostly all they had in top freezer, plenty of double door higher priced fridges. Guy says next day delivery. Stainless steel is 100 more than the black one. contract is more also. Well I hope the gate is properly fixed by time of delivery.

I have to find my keys to the upstairs doors. Luckily I made copies when I got my mothers keys once when she was acting up.. Anyway the ones i have tried are not working. Meanwhile I told nephew I need copies. I could not lock gate because it does not close properly and key could break in lock. If i find my keys I can use door upstairs to come and go and just use gate to throw out garbage. If I dont get copies or cant find mine I will have to change the locks which will be expensive but if I have to I will. I will do a good search my days off. He had some one come and half ass weld a brace to door and screw to stoop but the door doesnt close properly. I dont know if its temporary or what.

So I made a nice dinner friday. Made my cheese bisuits in convection oven broke the timer. When I went to take care of fridge buisness I saw they had the convection oven contract so I just have to bring it in. I had kept box like the man said but couldnt find reciept. so I was a happy camper when I saw that picture on the screen. I go back to put in order when they process paper work.

Okay so if you can bare with me a tad longer. I want to share that learning about narcisssim and now codependence is helping me deal with my issues.
Therapist gave me assignment to watch Melanie Beattie "Codependent no more".
Its awesome, I am not finished but after hearing certain things over and over in different ways it begans to become clear. So very very true, and so very helpful so far.

Also Pia Mellody on codependncy.
As I learn I grow stronger.

Gershen, good luck to you in the job hunt. I window gazed as I rode bus downtown for fridge. I saw a resuratant and thought this must be a nice place. My admiration grew when I saw an older woman waitress. I thought of that when I read a post stating certain franchises hire older people. I am quite sure with all the good advice you post that you will be an asset where ever you chose to go.

Also, I am done with my sister and about to be done with my nephew. I text him to stick a fork in me I was done. So many betrayals, and ugly from my sister, with me programmed to take care of her while she sits onher arse. Same with my mother. Its so amazing to see the same words and themes come out of my nephew who is mimicking his mother that my mother used to say and do. The scary part is that I am like a volcano ready to errupt with this. My prayers, and grace from God, and common sense helps. But sometimes I feel like I will blow up so I am glad they avoid me like the plaque.

Cmag, my thoughts are with you. I guess lots of backlash has to be cleared during this difficult time. I had never heard of the bond thing. Sounds like a lot of money and it was paid for you. You deserve to keep it all for your self its yours with your name, no one elses. You dont have to share this part of your father..

Book, like you said this is the dysfunction thread. Sorry you had issues with sister. Sometimes I forget you and certain others are going through the same dysfunction with the solid good advice you give and the encouragement. You spend a lot of posts being sportive and helping us. I will read your post and cry with you and my heart will be with you in your pain or distress. I can not express how you have significantly stopped a spiral I was on by one or two sentences that still resonate that still come to my mind and make me feel victorious over the insanity.

Countrymouse, When I saw the number two I chuckled. I would keep that dag on check. They probably owe you much more than that just in usasge not necessarily monetary.
Frazzled, I hope all is well with you and your mother.
Sharyn I hope all is well.
Hi Ali, I guess you are all settled in your new place. I cant wait to be in that "place" where you are.

The truth is that I know I am leaving, fix up where I am now, run a line to my floor for a fridge. Get bathroom fixed up on my floor, put fabulous locks on doors. move when the apartment comes and keep my space. Its a whole lot to think about much less do. And a major part of the movement is me getting my room straight. I make progress and then its like I dont care, whats the point. Then as I get to working I see its nots so hard. I just need the motivation. I am a go getter once I set my mind. Its like I dont care. Its like I have to learn to love myself. I will go down there and sweep and beautifully mop those floors but wont find time to focus on my own spot. Yup I see it, cant process it though for some reason.

I thank you all for baring with these long posts and absences. Sometimes I want to post but I just dont have it in me. Sometimes I dont want to relive this mess I live. Then other times I need, I mean really need to let it out.

Oh and Glad, I am still loving to hear about your progress in house. Glass tile! whew. That blue sounds pretty. Sounds like you have a collection. It also sounds like it will all have a lovely flow. How did the maple wood selection work out.

Forgive me please if I missed something. I am not all caught up. I tried though.

Its so nice to come back here. Its like I am in a room visiting with some real serious, honest, and good people. I dont laugh often. In fact a genuine chuckle and laugh is hard to find for me. But here I get that chuckle, I get that laugh, sometimes I even share it with others and laugh. But for sure everything I read and learn here resonates though my life.

I watched Melody Beattie, and Pia Melody on utube. Melody B is 8hours and very informative. She has the narcissist program down to a tee.

Oh Gershun.

Are you a fan of Peanuts, by any chance?

Think of Charlie Brown place-kicking that football. Yes, well. He never learns either. But is it wrong of him to keep trusting? Aren't faith and hope cardinal virtues?

The trouble is he actually *expects* things to be different, every time, and ends up flat on his back. Keep hoping, but don't swing at the football.

HI Everyone, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep, so I though I'd write a quick update! I have been reading along and trying to keep up with you all, and I wanted to let you know that I am really feeling for all of you who are still struggling, caring for your elderly parents and sometimes not necessarily dealing with good health yourselves while doing so, I know it can be so difficult at times!

It's been a year now since my FIL passed away, I can't believe how fast the year has flown by! We have finally listed our home for sale after thinking about doing so for 2 plus years now, it officially goes on the market this next Thursday! It is both exciting, sad and terrifying at the same time!

We have been in this (our second home purchase in our married life) house for 23 years, and are furiously getting it ready for the photographer to come in and take pictures for the online advertising and brochures, so cleaning and beautifying everything, so that it shows in the best possible light.

I guess hubby and I both work best under pressure, as we've cleared out closets and cupboards, made 2 full truck loads to the Goodwill, 2 trips to the dump, 2 truck loads of beauty bark, shampooed all 3 bedroom carpets, washed all the windows inside and out, made up the 2 bedrooms to look nice and cozy, All in the last 3 days, and we are pooped out! There is still much more cleaning (and clearing) to go, but the photographer doesn't come until Wednesday, so hopefully will get it all done in time!

The homes are still selling pretty quickly in our area, so fingers crossed that ours will as well, though I wish that we had pushed ourselves to sell last June or July as my husband had wanted, but it was me who was stalling, I just couldn't make up my mind, and I was not feeling well with that nagging gut pain problem, and still feeling a bit depressed, so I couldn't pull the trigger. Thank God My husband is a patient guy, and he allowed me to come to the decision in my own way, he has been as good as gold, and is such a hard worker! Housing prices have dropped off about 10 thousand dollars accross the board in the last 2 months, so it time to moving in this somewhat unstable (but still a sellars market) housing market!

We intend on selling up, cashing out and will live with our daughter and SIL for a little while (their suggestion!), until the perfect Condo comes available. It's not my perfect solution unfortunately as I hate to move twice, but I don't want to be forced into buying something unless it really feels right, and buying contingent on our home selling and then lining up the perfect purchase is an unlikely scenario, but I'll definitely be looking! I have been studying the buy/sell housing market in this area like a fiend for so long now, and feel like I could be a Realtor Specialist at this point! Lol! Thankfully there have been quite a few very nice Condo options available lately, so I'm Optimistic!

CMagnum, CWillie, thinking of you both during this difficult time, and hoping that things settled down and give you both time to grieve and to heal.

Golden, hope your Mom gets stable on her meds and is feeling better. You too Sweetie, I'm always thinking of you!

Glad, you Must be Super Excited, it Almost time to move into your new home, just in time for the holidays!

DDuck, sounds like you are moving in the right direction!, coming to grips with your dysfunction family, believe me, BTDT!

SharynM, hope you are enjoying your new place and your Grandies!

Fraz, praying that your Mom gets settled on her new meds and settles back down in her AL place!

Ugh, how I pray for you all going through all this tough stuff! It's very strange to be without having to worry every minute of my life, not having a parent first and foremost in my mind, and it's taken a year to grieve and finally feel like we can put ourselves first in life, it really is our time to make decisions based solely on our own happiness!

Stacey - Marie Kondo would be proud! Forget what your house “could” have sold for last year (wouldda couldda sholdda) and stay focused on what’s ahead. Such an exciting - and unnerving! - time for you & hubby. You two have deserved to get what you want for a long, long time. And now it IS time. Yaaayyyy! Keep us in the loop. 😃

Stacey, great news on deciding it is time for a move! If you had sold sooner, prices would have been higher on what you will be buying too. I would guess it will come out roughly the same.

Duck, keep looking for a place of your own, you will find something. But, it sounds like you are still hesitant and trying to figure out a way to make your current situation work. It won't and you know it won't. You have long commute from the City to your place of employment, right? Why wouldn't you look closer to work? I have been to the City twice, how in the world do people live there? It is noisy and complete insanity! Prices are so terribly high. Maybe you will completely reinvent yourself.

DD2 and two granddaughters were here over the weekend. They helped me to move still packed boxes and organize for the move. All light fixtures have been installed. Will have to look to see what I can do about light color to tone down the blue. Great idea Golden! Time to think about window coverings.

Have a great day all!

Im not doing, I live in another state not close to nursing home. I have spent 3 weeks on this visit, have arranged for sale of 3 properties, have sold 3 horses, have given a car that was promised to co-guardian, have changed locks on properties to be able to give keys to realtor for sale of properties. Have had very heated meeting with dad's lawyer and co-guardian, have signed requested documents to change co-guardian access to Dad's account. Bank account still frozen, can't pay nursing home, can't pay anyone. My employer is mad, not talking to me, because I have been off work a month now, although 2 weeks was vacation time, and today another meeting with co-guardian and lawyer this afternoon. I will not give co-guardian access to the money or the home place, as he brags about how he breaks into properties of my father's, before I changed locks, don't trust him. I cannot afford my own lawyer in a state where I do not live. Bank was sold 30 days ago to another local bank, bank will not accecpt new signed document showing the splitting of conservatorship of the guardianship portion of duties. Why so !!!! difficult????? This is in Iowa.

Ooo, Kimberley, that sounds like a hot mess. How did all this come about? Who's the co-guardian, one of your - er - "nearest and dearest"?

oh Stacey, now is your and your hubbys time. The next journey of your life together. You will find a condo that is just right for you and hubby. It’s good you are not in a hurry.

Yes, we love our home and community. Having the grandies here is the best! E was approved for the state waiver so they can go toward with additional therapies paid through the state.

Resting up the next couple days as I have a nasty cold, no energy. Take care everyone!

duck -you are getting there. Please watch your BP. Your family is not worth ruining your health. Melody Beattie is great!

stacey - Awesome!!! wow - I am very impressed. It does take a while to get over care giving, You and hub are a great team. I am so happy you are making this move. You will find the right place. It is a whole new phase of your life. Wonderful!!!

blackhole - I read somewhere you were in hospital???

glad - you moving too!!! Getting ready to move into your dream home. It must seem unreal! I get it was good having dd2 and grands there to help. Good luck with the window coverings. After the renos it took me over a year to get what I wanted. - just wooden venetian blinds but all the different sizes!!!

kimberly -welcome - sounds like too much yet that is what we deal with quite often with care giving. Think you are wise to restrict your bro. And the bank is uncooperative. You don't need that too. Haven't any advice -you sound very competent except look after yourself. I know that is not always easy.

sharyn - get well soon, so good that E has been approved for the state waiver. Glad your new home and community are working out.

fraz -update us when you can

Wiped tonight - had a heavy counseling session that got into some old stuff still no resolved. Had a dream about a little grey cat and could see it curled up in one of my chairs. Maybe this is what I will get. Sinuses are much better, guts somewhat. Getting old is no fun. Be good to yourself!

The latest fam dram is that sis decided to start sale and eviction, then a short while later and after some lawyer talk, has given her dd (my niece) a document saying she will leave it till spring 2020. Meanwhile sis and new hub are selling his house and moving south to England. He has a son there. As my niece says anything can happen in then next 1 1/2 years. Understandably she is pretty upset about it all though relieved about the latest development. I advised her that she and her hub get out of that arrangement ASAP and acquire their own place. Even with something on paper I don't trust my sister not to cause her dd trouble. I hope they get independent soon. If the new hub dies first my sis will be back being charming and dangling money to get her dd to look after her again. I told her to beware. Sigh!!! Families or rather dysfunctional families!!!

Hi all, I am not caught up.
Golden thanks, my pressure is still high. Yes I am learning a lot. Most of all it all started right here from you and others about the narcissism. I had no idea. Even in nursing school, in psych, I could not phanthom that concept. I have lived it and sometimes I want to cry when I learn the things I didnt know.

The door is still unlockable the irorn gate door under the stoop. I can lock from inside but it takes lifting and pulling and then the key may break. I find it open in the mornings when I get off.

Well today I found microwave in middle of kitchen floor. Acutually it was there also on Sunday when I left for work. I tend to ramble but every appliance I have bought since they turned off gas has at one time or another been found on the floor turned face down or side ways like demonic activity. I know its an expression. Tells me I did something right that pissed my twisted off.

Anyways when this past incident happened where my sister took three of my mothers meals I left a nice note stating to "please do not take ma's meals, you live rent free, no utilities, you tried like the devil to stop the service. Have some dignity about yourself." I was trulyt in WTF mode when I saw that the meals were taken, I saw with my own eyes, she bought them in and I left her putting them in fridge. I go get dressed. My things were ready. my purse packed so 10min at most and when I get downstairs meals are missing. No one else was around or came in.

Anyways, that note stayed on the fridge door now almost two weeks until today. And today I ignored the microwave. Noticed my mother was sleep deeply. So was the dog. WTF!! again. I didnt put it together. But when my mother does not eat she gets ballisitic and just does things. On Sunday she didnt want to eat much, I couldnt make her. Same on Monday and today. I guess my sister got tired and maybe snuck in some benadryl I dont know. I just know there are times when it is obvious she has been sedated. she was knocked out when I came in so did not eat the food I bought in. I was on the phone a few hours and went down and she was still asleep. dog too. (she gives him her food)

So I call my counselor social worker about this blame, the microwave, the door, the pipes venting.and I ask about the power of attorney and revoking the healthcare proxy. What she said does not look good at all.

So I return calls from the case manager on meals on wheels. We have talked before she states she does not understand if its denial or something else that my sister is refusing to get the care my mother obviously needs. She express that twisted says she is going to get this evaluation or something else done and does not follow through. And basically you have one person saying one thing and the other the oposite and if APS comes in they will see that someone is doing something and then case is closed. The mold is not in her living area. The saftey measure of locking her is keeping her safe and as long as someone says they are feeding her and taking care of her and taking her to doctor that its a closed deal.
She advised me to follow through with the lawyer in a few weeks and see what my options are and get back to her. she is like she doesnt understand and that it seems as if its going to take something really bad before anytheing is done for my mother.

So I got the drift. Not much I can do. Speak to lawayer dont get my hopes up.
Meanwhile I am debating on not addressing the microwave stunt. Just leave it in the middle of the floor.

My conscious makes me do the right thing. I had to use it anyway to heat of my mothers meal and I was tempted to do stupid and place it back like I had not even paid it any attention.

BUtttt....... when I move a small bag packed with my mother stuff. I see that something is smeared on top.

Low and behold its feces. Either like some on smeared it on or tried to wipe it off.

So I know basically my mothers crazy moves when when she gets ballistic. She wraps dog do do in paper when she gets it up. the only smears I see is where she tries to wipe it off and that is on the floor. Never seen them else where. never seen her take or move microwave.\

so my pressure is back up. I am having flashbacks about my sister and her malicious sick mind. Even when my mother had some of her mentality, it was the same type of spiteful stuff. I had to fight my mind and heart not to do same in retaliation.

So if it just happened to be my mothers smear campagin then that should be proof enought that she needs help. Putting microwave in middel of floor?

My other synopsis is that the note i left on fridge was gone. which I know she didnt touch as iff to say she didnt read it. Now with the new developments with the door. The inablility to lock gate from outside, plus my request for the keys to the door upstairs. (*which I made copies from my mothers keys but dont know where I put them! so I asked for copies for locks so I can leave from upstairs and not leave the gate open.

When my mother eloped (got out ) upon my return to Korea. The upstairs door had been left open. Naturally it was my fault but I dont use that door. Family friend Aunt Jean says twisted tells her that she dont know how I got the key. This is how my mother had her on pedestal. Only you have the privilege to have key to upstairs$%**((()).

So I was going back and forth, shouled I just changed all the locks to the doors and gate upstairs. fix dowstaidr gate and let them come to me for the key.
Then its like this is all a game. A power game, a power competeiton. So I decided to stop trying to fix everything and make it my responibility and just leave it be. If Something happens and I have not access then I will just have to call the firedepartment to break in doors. I had to do that once when my mother locked me out in her dementia. She had the shovel braced to gate. I couldnt get in when I got off that morning. I kept calling knoci=king on window. I could here her and the dog.

When it was all done with. I told jean what happened and she says she was on the phone with my mother asking her what all the noise was and why prince was barking so much. My mother knew exactly what she was doing. and the evening before she had accused me of takeing something I cant even remember and this was the retaliation

I have so many flahbacks that just hoarrd my mind at times like these. I know there is nothing I can do. I try and leave it in Gods Hands, I have seen great outcome when I am able to do that. I feel that way in my heart but then one more thing happens and I start thinking ugly and I dont want to be that person. Meanwhile I feel, like the biggest fool.

I understand how some of the strongest wisest people on this post get around family and come away feeling like shiysta.

I am going to keep listening and learning to melody and everything else and stay in prayer and hope I live through this bull.

Rays of light love, peace, wisdom and grace to you all.

Oh I must add that I left another note on fridge. to the effect of "feel free to heat up the meals for ma at anytime.
Thank you for refraining from taking meals.
Smear campaign and wrong do not prosper.

I really should have just left it alone. I am slowly learning not to respond. I dont know about the smear thing but just the fact that the oven was placed on the floor to me was spiteful. Its more likely that my mother would possibly smear it if it was on the floor initially.

I dont even want to drive my self crazy I just know there was malice involved and I just pray for true justice.

I am by far not an angel. and the worst thing I can do to myself is to become like my mother and sister.

Today my mother didnt eat much. She started eating the crackers my sister leaves the peanut butter orange cracker. Told me to throw the food away. also The dog had food undertable he hadnt touched. which was highly unsusally for him. He was in a corner and when ever I heat food for my mother I have to fuss him away. He is old but will limp his butt to whereever my mother is eating or sounds like she is eating.
I am sure tomarrow when I get off in the morning I will find my mother sedated again. Because she had just woke when I was leaveing didnt want to eat much and looked like she was in a pre rampage mode.

I know there is a life lesson/breakthrough for me as this unfolds, I just pray and hope I get it because I do not want to ever go through this BS again with or for anyone.

So I envision my self fixing up my new home or apartment away and happy.

duck - concentrate getting your own place and getting your life back. For the most part when we are in dys fun fams we can't fix them. Hoping it will get better is natural, but...

Oh that note, I need to caution my niece that I strongly suspect that her mother (my sis) is putting off the house sale till spring 2020 on the advice of her (sis's) lawyer in order to strengthen her case. She did not give my niece much warning. Giving her 1 1/2 years gives niece ample time to make other arrangements. I don't think it has anything to do with kindness or consideration. Niece is still hoping for a restoration of their previous relationship, I think it was a scam from the start as it suited sis to keep her dd in her good books as she helped sis, Call me cynical, but normal people cannot turn feelings on and off like that,

And on an entirely different note and only very vaguely related to anything here, I had an interesting time with the gas person who came to check the furnace. She was a lovely young woman and we chatted about careers, the cold up here (she has to work outside sometimes and doesn't like it) and assorted other topics. She asked if I had kids here (wondering if she knew any of them) and then was surprised I had a 53 yr old dd. and that I was 81. This gal is 37 so there was no overlap with my kids. We talked about aging as she has serviced furnaces in some seniors places and says they can hardly do the stairs, I said I did some exercises and tried, within my limitations, to keep moving. Then came the classic statement "If I get old, I want to be like you". It was the "If" part that got me, I said "You will get old" and she looked at me with a degree of unbelief. Well, she will get old unless she gets hit by a bus or a serious terminal disease. Love it. My ex used to say "If I die". I am not sure he has gotten past that yet.

Still working on getting rid of this sinus infection. Trying a little tea tree oil. Something has to work!.. Mind you, I used to be on antibiotics for my sinuses several times a year for most of my adult life (which wrecked my gut bug balance) and I haven't had any of them for about 10 years now. I was also on sudafed continually for years and don't use it that much any more except once in an while as now. Could be worse. Something will work eventually.

Take care all. Have a good night.