The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Kind of self absorbed right now. Looks like closing will happen on Wednesday. Doors hung, door knobs on, cleaning the new house tomorrow. Gas line going in tomorrow, Improvement Location Certificate supposed to be done by Monday, maybe tomorrow. Paint front door tomorrow, It is almost there. I better catch up and get finished packing. Movers coming on Friday, next week. I am packing. Getting excited, nervous, excited, overwhelmed, excited.....

Oh and appliances that have been on back order since Labor Day will be in on Saturday!

And if I were to order those same appliances today, $2,000.00 more than was paid!

My brother and sister have always been hard for me to deal with. Lately they are not talking to me at all. I feel abandoned on an island with Mom....
My sister has outrageous mood swings - takes things out on me, as if I am responsible for her happiness. When something would upset her she would call and take a demeaning tone and start to rant .... then if I didn't say the exact right things, or needed to get off the phone she would wind up screaming her head off at me and hanging up on me....I have felt like the whipping boy many many times ever since I can remember. My brother and sister have both stopped talking to me lately ... My brother said he was very angry with me for attacking his character ( I had told him not to come around if he had been drinking.) Now - neither one of them are talking to me at all, and they haven't been talking to Mom much either. (sad)
I feel abandoned by them ... and punished by their silence ...
Really it is more peaceful though. I still love and miss them - but not the drama.

glad -wow - just wow. It is happening!!! That is so awesome -so happy for you! And you got a great deal on those appliances. This is a busy but happy time!!!!

needhope -welcome - Oh my - a brother with a drinking problem, a sister with emotional problems and you are care giver for your mum, That's a lot. Lots of us here can identify with being the whipping boy, and also the caregiver.

Sounds to me you are more punished by their presence than by their silence. I have a sis who has criticized me and told stories about me from day one -all my life. I used to hope for a relatioship with her but it never worked out so I have gone very low contact.. Once mother has passed I will go no contact.

Enjoy the peace and keep firm boundaries like you have with your bro. Develop boundaries with your sis too e.g. once she starts ranting or accusing you will hang up. You can't change them, you can only change you.

It is sad when family members act like this but not rare. You need to protect yourself Often friends are better to us than family members. Spend your time with them and come back and let us know how you are doing. Having siblings like that makes the job of care-giving much harder.

Hoping I have this infection on the way out, The Tea Tree oil is doing the job. Yay!!!

When my mom was alive she was the communication between the siblings and I. She related their news to me and my news to them. None of us really spoke. Now that she is gone I have no idea whats going on with my sibs most of the time. In fact, I sometimes feel like I have no family.

But when I consider what it's like when we are together it's like time has stood still. I've changed considerably since we were in our youth living together but you wouldn't know that by when we are together. So although I miss having family, I don't miss being treated like I'm fifteen.

I think I'm finally beginning to accept that family are people I meet who I become close with. It doesn't necessarily mean blood relations anymore. Once you accept that your blood relations are sometimes just other people in your life who you can visit with if you want but it shouldn't be mandatory especially if being around them causes strife, life tends to go a lot better.

CMagnum,

How are you doing? I recently read that you lost your father,
and I wanted to offer my condolences. I will offer up some meditations for you and your family. May his spirit soar high!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

What good news that you are moving into a new place.
I'm sure it's beautiful.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I think I'd posted about the fact that I'd pulled some ligaments on my foot a little over a month ago, which has been on the mend. It's doing a lot better, however I still need to be careful with shoes I wear. Then because I was wearing one of those boots, I wasn't doing my normal walking I get in for exercise, so I noticed that this can through the alignment of the body off a bit.

Remember I also had posted that I'd started a job doing some caregiving for the IHSS program? Well, I worked for this woman, who had quite compromised walking. She has a lot of health issues. I was doing about 20 hrs. a week for her.
It was the usual cleaning, mopping, dusting, vacuuming. I thought I did o.k., given after about a week is when I had the foot injury. Had to take off two days, but went back to work, because didn't want to lose the job. Well, this lady doesn't like to do any kind of exercise, and she really needs to. She walks with a cane, but truth be told should probably use a walker.

Her daughter, who is her rep, since the lady is an immigrant handles everything.
When she interviewed me, she asked whether I had a car, and I said that I did.
She wanted for me to run errands. But then.....she also said that maybe I could take her mom shopping so that this could be her exercise, walking. Well what I didn't realize that this was to turn into quite a few trips to the 99 cent store, then her other shopping to grocery stores. One day she asked me to take her to a special Latino market which is further away in the next city. I told her I couldn't, since the brakes on my car needed to be replaced. I didn't want to go far in the car in that condition. Taking her local shopping was different. Well, the lady then tells her daughter that I'd told her I didn't want to take her shopping.

I had to talk to the daughter and straighten that out, which of course I didn't like.
I was very clear with this woman, but she went and told her daughter something entirely different to what was fact. I was still hobbling around w/my foot, I couldn't take my car to the mechanic who was across town.
The daughter ended up telling me, "Well, how are we going to get my mom to some doctor's appts. this week, etc." I raised the fact that I was aware that IHSS provides Access services to shuttle consumers to appointments, and that I was willing to accompany her mom if my car was in the shop.
Well, after that weekend I received a text from the daughter, and she canned me from this job.

I started to read up about the IHSS rules. Apparently, they only approve about one hour p/week for consumers to do their shopping. Well, this woman I worked for, went way over the limit. I also thought it was rather weird, that someone receiving IHSS.... was also able to spend $60.00 twice in a week at the dollar store, then another 50.00 at a local grocery store. Incidentally, her daughter is a social worker who works with the homeless population.

Oh well!!! As I told a friend of mine, "in this business there's no lack of work."

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, always good to hear from you!

I can't imagine $60.00 at the Dollar Store! You should not have problems finding another position. Some employers just expect magic.

Well the house is almost there, not cleaned yet like I thought it would be. Have spent a good part of the day packing. Still a bit in the kitchen to do, bedroom, and bath, bedding upstairs two bedrooms. Hopefully get that knocked out tomorrow.

Thank you for that Golden 23, I really appreciate what you said to me. I guess it is a resentment or jealousy that has separated us... I really feel sad about it. I am a believer and so I am finding some peace of mind in knowing I am doing what the Lord wants me to do by honoring my mother and caring for her. I guess I had thought that they would appreciate and love me for it instead of hating me. Maybe they hate me because I'm a believer and - they think- that - I think- I am better than them or something twisted like that ?? I don't know...the fact is I have always loved them both and tried to be there for them when they needed help .. but now when I need help, they are both like distant strangers .... I guess it is a rude awakening for me. Especially with my brother. I just have to keep going though and trust that the Lord will guide me through the days ahead. My sister lives 3000 miles away... When Mom dies I will have to make all the arrangements ....alone ....and deal with it.... alone.... and it is just sad. I feel like an only child. So thanks for listening to me and for understanding so well....

Gershun - I think that is not unusual in some families. My mother was somewhat of a go between too. I sure understand the feeling of having no family. I felt that way when my father died, I have a blood sister, but I have female friends who are more family to me than she is. I feel no obligation to visit with my sis. It only brings me grief.

cmag -wondering how things went for the service in Ohio

Margeaux - good to hear from you. Hope your foot is healing well.. Sounds like you are better off away from that job. As you say, there are plenty of others.

glad - you are doing so well!!! Soon you will be out of the rental and in your own home celebrating your accomplishment.

sharyn - hope you are feeling better from that cold.

R is coming up soon to get his stuff then dd can come in and do her thing. The more I can get done before the winter sets in the better. Thinking twice whether I dare do a trip down. I don't want to get sick again. I can't afford to.

needhope - You are welcome I am a believer too and my faith helps pull me through. I decided a long time ago I had to do what I believed was right and not worry about the others. I am doing this alone too. My sis will criticize but not help. Since your bro is drinking you probably can't count on him. Do keep coming back here. We understand. You are not the only one here going through this type of thing here. It isn't easy (((((hugs)))))

Margeaux, the rule is that care providers do not take the client in their car -ever-except, if you are to take them to the Dr visit - then - time is arranged for that based on how far away the Dr is and the time is all itemized ... The shopping is something else you are only supposed to do it by yourself and only at the closest grocery store too. It is good to make a list with brand of items and size and if they don't give you enough money just get the most important things and tell them they didn't give you enough money so you couldn't get everything. People will ask so be ready to tell them that it is not allowed. If you do something outside the rules and they fall or get hurt somehow... then they will blame you for it of course. Also the client may have dementia and overspend....it gets complicated with home health, The basic service they provide keeps food in the house ... clean clothes and a bath. Light house work like make the bed vacuum, mop, clean the bathroom for them ...a couple loads of wash.. just spread it out over the week and don't work yourself to death. Take a little time with them and watch a program they like or something fun once in a while ...but you are not there to do everything for them in the few hours you have ... it is just for basic help for them to be able to stay in their homes and not go to a nursing home. You are a kind good woman and deserve better treatment than that lady gave you - glad you aren't going back there.

Yep, criticize and not help...that is what I get too.... thank you Golden.
Ya know
I overused my foot when I was moving here. I had to move everything out from a two story townhouse by myself....and clean it. And then I had a lot more of that to do when we got here. I was hobbling around and in a lot of pain...When soaking my foot I found I had a bump on the arch of my foot on the long ligament there... the bump is called a "plantar fibroma." If there is no bump it might be plantar fascia . You can look online and see what you think. I went to my doctor and got referred to a foot specialist.
The x rays showed degenerative joint disease and erosion.... It got worse and the ankle and top of my foot started to swell. I got prescribed a "Richie Brace" by a foot Dr. and It did help me a lot....I still wear it off and on when I have to now but not every day. It doesn't hurt when I wear it. The bump went down after a month but is still there. I think the brace keeps my foot in a more normal position and stretches the ligament out. I had to get a mold made of my foot and then the brace was made from that. I hope you can find out what is going on with your foot, I know how painful it is to have to work with a bad foot. The brace I have fits inside my tennis shoe... I got a half size up pair of new balance shoes I found second hand...I made the other shoe even with a thick insole. These shoes are so good...I hope you can get some. God Bless
In keeping with the subject of dysfunction ...I will say that my brother has gotten weirder and weirder since we moved here. My mom thinks there is something wrong (more than usual) ...He has had big losses due to his drinking but still has a home and business- his business partner has always kept things going when he is not doing well....I don't know why he has changed his mind about signing off as joint tenant ..it isn't the money- I think he is trying to bully me. I am not sure what will happen and it is keeping me awake nights.

Appliances delivered, not yet installed. Have been packing a good part of the day. Needed the distraction to go check out the kitchen! Now back to packing.

needhope - good feedback for margeaux. Hope your foot gets better.. Hard to know why dysfun sibs do what they do. I have had to let go and let God,

glad - Yay -appliances are delivered, You must be beat from all the packing, but excited.

I called the NH and found out that mother has lost over 20 lbs since May. She had put on that much in the past couple of years so she is ok, but if she keeps losing at this rate...She eats lunch and has Ensure for supper. The dilaudid is helping the pain, but she is still crying some. At least, this is what I understood from the person I spoke to. I find the accents hard to understand. I am not sure about going yet as the sinus infection/sore throat has flared a bit again. I am trying something else and will see tomorrow how it responds. Meanwhile I will get ready to go. The good weather is holding, thank goodness.

Take care all -be good to you.

Golden, great the weather is holding, here so far, ok too. Though there is to be a turn for Halloween. Hopefully will straighten out by the end of the week.

Best for your mom and you, hope you feel better soon.

Yes, I am beat and to think I did not unpack probably 80% of what I have, knowing this move was coming. It will be like Christmas to get everything unpacked. Much of these things I have not used since starting care for mom. Repacked three years ago following the fire, and of course I have no idea what is there.

I am on my way to bed, will read more once I lay down. Exhausted.

Golden, I am glad the dilaudid is helping your mother and she is doing better. Take care of yourself, hope sinus issue gets better. Please post any new solution. I will always remember you for the castille soap recommendation.

Glad, i am happy things are moving along. Did you work out the blue color and lighting issue.

Cmag. I hope things are going well for you.

Hi to all,

These past few weeks have been stressful. My pressure was up high, still is but better, and I was feeling a sense of doom. The fridge wasnt working, the entrance gate door was all messed up and of course I was being blamed. And I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. My last post I mentioned how my mother and the dog Prince were sleeping all day. When I first noticed Prince and where he was laying my first thought is he must be dying. Therwas still food on his plate. and I dont care how old he was he would lumber and follow where ever the food was. So that day I was curious as to why my mother and the dog were sleeping all day and not eating. I really thought my sister had sedated my mother through food or drink. And my mother shared everything with dog. She would serve him icecream or soda in a cup one time she was using crystal ware.

Well anyways when I got off wednesday mornings i go to therapy then home. Picked up breakfast for my mother. Tried to make her eat and she still was not having any. I had gotten a shake formula and I made that, and gavve it too her. While I was making it, I blurted out "It stinks in here" and she just burst out laughing as if to say it sure does. Any way I give her the shake to drink with some breakfast bars and left breakfast on table. Told her I was going up.

Later I came down to go out and play some numbers and the powerball. I had her cole the handy man's voice and thought he finally here to fix gate. the gate had come loose from stoop and was hard to close or lock. Safety issue. I had told nephew and of course they found a way to make it my fault. I had also asked him for copies of keys to lock upstairs I have a set just dont know where I put them.

Anyways I was twisted inside about the cole becuase he had already beat me with the shed and other work. I communicated this to my nephew yet he still uses him. so lhe fixed leaks in plumbing behind bathroom but just left a big hole behind toilet. I was pissed that he left it like that and that my nephew or his mother didnt care to check the work. So I diidnt know if it was himwho did poor job and gate leaving it hard to close.

Any way I leave to go to store and the smell is gone. My sister is downstairs, fussing at my mother about the blinds which I didnt like. I dont like her tone or spirit with my mother. My mother has attacked me for speaking up for wrong my sister has done to her so I bite my tongue and leave it alone. Sometimes i trully feel she is reaping what she has sowed. Karma.

So it wasnt until thursay that I missed prince. When I came down. I cried hard. I felt scared, death does that to me as it comes and you never know when and the loss hurts my heart deeply and also because I can not control it. So I was in a "way" on thursday. So I felt I had to get out and I had lots to do. Laundry , cooking cleaning, flu shot, order fridge. Got it all done too. Cooked so good meals trying to cook without salt because my pressure was off the chain. So I bought and tried different type of seasoning. Came out good too! :)

Then I kept dreaming same people same senario. Sometimes, well most times my dreams have some truth to tell. Kept dreaming family and my grandmother kept visting us. Then dreamt someone dlivered flowers for my aunt who in the dream had just left. They were carnations in a basket. I callthem furneral flowers. So I call cousing with cancer. Asking her if my aunt was okay. Told her of dreams and hoping they didnt mean anything.

When I go down to get dressed for work and fix my mother her food. I greet her and she says Im going home. so i sitt in front of her and ask why and she says Im tired. I have never ever heard my mother express the word tired but once many years ago when she transferred my cleaning up behind her on me saying I am tired of cleaning up behind you. I was amazed and shocked. It was defintely the other way around only I wasnt tired, I felt it was my duty.

So I started crying, I couldnt help my self, even now as I post this that despartation comes back, I told her she couldnt leave me. What would I do withotut her, selfish unfair.

She said she was going home because she was tired. I gut cried the whole time I
heated up food, cut it up,showered, I came and hugged her and held on to her, she patted my back said she heard me and stop crying. The only other time I got affection from my mother is when I had saved money to buy a cake for my fathers last birthday. The muslim guy who lived upstairs told me about the bakery and I must have payed about 60 for this cake in the 80's. It was big enough for a party , almost covered the top of the freezer where I call my self hiding it from him. it wasnt for a party. Well in this house the freezer was in the shed and he opened freezer and cake slid behind it. When I saw it I ran up stairs boohooing and got that same pat on the back. I got to day.

My father knew when he was going. He would tell me day he goes in hospital he is not coming back. It happend. I had a friend who said you wont see me again as I was leaving. When I turned around he was looking as if he hadn't said anything and I wasn't there. My girlfriend who passed away before I went on my trip, Her son said she had had a seizure and while she was in hospital she told him she is going home, she is tired.

My mother says I am going home all the time. I have never heard her complain of feeling tire. She has always been a busy person in church on committee'. in school when we were young. Girl-scout leader, president of block association, and community board with the precinct. In her dementia she is always busy reading over something., checking something.

My goodness, I was a mess today. Im a mess now. I am thinking we got a lot more years, That it will be a gradual process. Each change in her dementia sends me out of whack and depressed so the thought of her going home has me in a really bad way.

I forgot to mention that I am so grateful to God, that I did not have the mentality or forethought to even think that smell was the dog. I am emotionally fragile, as i had mentioned in last post I felt I was not strong anymore and a friends says , yes you are just in a different way. I am glad I dont have that vision in my memory I would have dwelled on it. Normally I am an investigator. What is that smell, where is it coming from. It smelt like do do and I was actually in a sort of good place for a change.. and thought I aint messing with that now. I will get to it later, I just need to chill for a while.

So I dont know what he did as he died. I am glad I didnt see, if his eyes were opened , I guess he let go everything.

I have seen a lot of death in my career in my life. So many cherrished loved ones whoes love kept me strong. Who were my mental and spirit havens. That true unconditional love. I kept dreaming of my two deceased aunts also, a lot I know this is not the dream thread, but I have learned over time to pay attention to my dreams.

I am just tired of life.

I dont want to lose my mother. I have been programmed so deep in my heart and my conscious by her. Which is why I have such poor skill of looking out for my self in so many ways. I know its a reality for her and for me. They say the minute we are born we start dying.
One of my cousins passeed away, then Sham, my cousin with the cancer is still stuggling. refussing morphine, refusing methadone. afraid of addiction and I sort of tore into her on that, she'd rather suffer in pain then be labeled an addict so to speak. Most addicts i know are some of the best and smartest people I know who just self medicated to stop their pain. I just hate the prejudice mounted on addiction. I hate prejudice period.

Being a child and sister of a narcissist I feel responsible to fix and make everything okay. I realize this. I realize I cant do it and have to stop thinking in that spirit.

I need to learn to let go. I am scared. I still have hope but I dont want my heart to hurt anymore.

I am not caught up. I checked out a joke thread last week which was fun but not too many posters yet. I am going to go online and try to find some salt free seasonings, reorder some that I like, focus on someti=hing I like to do.

Rays of love light and peace to all.

(((((((((duck))))))) sorry you are having such a hard time. Losing a pet is very hard and that is on top of the grieving you are doing for your family. That's a lot of pain. No one wants to lose a loved one, be it giving up on someone because they hurt you too much, or losing them to old age and disease. Tears can be good. Sometimes we have years of tears to release. Give yourself a break too and do something just for you. -a treat. Take care

Duck, you are experiencing a hard time. Grieving the loss of a your beloved pet and all the home issues. I hope you can take a needed day away for yourself. (((Hugs)))!

im finally starting to feel better after getting this nasty sinus infection I couldn’t eat for several days because I couldnt taste anything so I just had soup. Yesterday my boss gave me part of a kit kat candy bar, I could taste it! Wow, it tasted so good!

Aww, (((Duck))). I'm so tired of life, too!!! 😂 😘 I think a lot of us are in some ways. Caregiving wears you down, plus all the stressors of daily life, and you have to find some good things for yourself to pull you up and out of possible depression (which is normal because things are HARD sometimes).

I'll share something with you and others here, for context. Today was the saddest day I've had in some time. No real reason for it, as things are going decently well in my life, but my emotional and mental resilience is very thin right now. I feel exhausted even though I'm sleeping a little extra the past couple of days.

Today, I was so frustrated with ALL OF IT, just LIFE stuff and mostly that despite my best efforts I remain the most tired person I know! ...so frustrated that I pulled my car over to the side of the road a couple of times (as I was driving around trying to get a permit sticker for my car, went to 2 wrong places before I found the 3rd right one...)...

Anyway, pulled the car over and had a good sob and just let it out. I'm TIRED. I'm tired of being tired!! I have everything else going for me in my life right now, but I'm too tired to enjoy it.

The aftermath of realizing how fragile I am right now is that I made 2 doctor's appointments to get blood levels tested, just to be on safe side, and also with new psych, just to see what they might have to say.

I'm also buying some psilocybin, and I will try some small amounts of that to see if it can help me. It helped me in the past... but it's difficult to come by.

I'm trying to say that I relate to feeling out of sorts because I feel like my body is stuck on that mode for far too many years now. But I believe in my right to TRY to find a better life for myself, so I work on it.

You need to do WHATEVER it takes, whatever Duck, that helps you to move up and on with your own life, not your mother's life, not anyone else's life. You cannot be a life preserver for anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself, gotten yourself strong first.

Attaching yourself to your mother's interests at the detriment of your own is dysfunctional behavior, my dear. Please recognize that.

...

Don't know if this is totally applicable. Please accept what does apply as kind advice in the spirit it was intended, and leave the rest. I was venting, too. Hugs.

Thank you all so much for the support and advice.

Ali as usuall you put things in a nutshell. Keep fighting the good fight you give me hope.

Sharyn thanks glad you are feeling better.

seems that sinus thing is going around. Its been a while for me but the sinus pain was horrendous.

The heel pain gets betterk, then the knee just suddenly schreech pain with a simple movement every now and then, I have to freeze.

I think I really needed that gut renching cry I had. I boo hooed. I scared my self with the sounds that came out of me. I think I needed that. I think it was part of a break through accepting the possiblility of my mother passing on.

I know one thing, I had trepidation going in this morning followed by relief and gratefullness and a resove to try and take her out. To see life. autumn is here the weather is nice. Not terribly hot or cold. I think a regular walk might help her. she really needs a homeattendant who would be there to spend time with her and take her out. Prince was her companion. He was the bestest watch dog and she used to tell him to put on this or that sweater or sit in the chair. It was funny to watch sometimes. sometimes I had to tell her to leave him alone. I know she is going to miss him terribly. Maybe that was why she spoke like she did.

I appreciate all the advice. I am not giving up on life. But I feel so lost and lonely sometimes. even though i like to be alone. My ex is there with open arms but that is a done deal. It should have been this way a long time ago. Lots to say on that.

But this thing with my mother took me for a big loop. I know I have got to find a way to truly focus on myself and whats good for me and to stop holding on to false fake conceptions of what family is.

I went on line and apllied for more places. After I see the lawyer my next appointment in this center will be with the person who deals with housing. I sure hope she takes me on.

My cry spell was in a way another way of my mother pulling my strings. But anyway I have to make an effort to take her out for a walk now and then. I really dont have the patience and when I go places I am on a mission and cant imagine myself keeping focus on my mother while shopping and stuff. So I am going to make a point of taking her just for a walk around the block. I hope she does not act up. and fight to go somewhere.

In all this misery I see God working and I see karma working also. There is so much I need to do for myslelf.

I get a lot of motivation and hope in this forum. Sometimes I forget that all of us here have gone through a lot of pain. I just know that when I see and get reminded of those situtions it strentghens me to see how they turned out, how they survived the ugly and the sad and the pain.

I going to keep on fighting and stuggling till I get this right. Thanks amundo everyone. Rays of light and love and peace to you and us all.

My MIL passed today, she started to go downhill this weekend, we were away at a wedding. BIL didn't call us until last night.. late..they had been informed in the morning, went in to see her.. no call to us.. So I took off today and hubs and I went in the am, and daughter before she went for work. Thank goodness we did. While we were there we noticed all the pictures of hubs and I were gone.. guess were lucky BIL left our daughters up! I asked BIL why they didn't call us in the morning.. he himhawed around.. Like hubs said.. guess he forgot he has a brother...

Sorry to hear that Pam. Par for the course with BIL. What is next?

Families! Pam, I am sorry for your loss.

Strange happenings today. A neighborhood where I thought about buying has a 25 acres property in their backyards. The owner of that property, when all the houses started going up, decided it an opportune time to build a shooting range on his property, aimed right at the next phase of this development. He wanted to buy all the lots, then found out the cost, and was not able to.

This has been an issue before with neighbors calling about the range. It is legal in the county to shoot on your own property, so nothing my department can do. And it is hunting season. We had to wait for an incident, a wayward bullet, to cause property damage, or something else, heaven forbid. It happened today, nobody injured but property damage. I am so glad I did not decide on this subdivision, I even thought specifically about that house! I did not decide on that subdivision, thank goodness.

AND closing IS tomorrow, in a much more civilized subdivision! Paved roads, sewer, water system, etc.... So excited, almost done packing!

Pamzi, sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself.

Dang that sibling stuff. Its so very sad and painful, and wrong.