notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Its so sad the ugliness in this world, in our lives.
I read a poster in a restaurant to the effect that we shouldnt worry how we are going to get through the storm. We should learn to dance in the rain.
It kind of rang true, because today I couldnt get a good sleep. I woke up early felt like doing nothing. Put on some Gospel music and started making my bed. Just as I was beginning to start yelping the songs which I love to do like a crazy bat I get into it like I recorded the songs I hear my sister come in early. I continuerd getting ready for work. singing. Inspired. thinking to put on daystar whenIget downstairs ans see who was on. When I get downstairs the microwave is in the middle of the floor again and my mother is knocked out. She ate the breakfast sandwich I bought her but left a hot roast beef sandwich wrapped on table. Along side of that was a macdonald breakfast tray untouched. I was singing when I came down but I was really singinfg as I took my shower and by the time i walked up the stairs I was on stage. It felt good, so good I was still singing when I walked out the door.
I am nervous and leary about where this road with my sister is going to lead. And how I find her knocked out certain times which is unusual and I am sure to my sisters benefit.
For a long time my mother tortured me, knocking on my door actually bamming and I would meet false accusation or something ugly when ever I got up and answered her. Or an urgent demand to investigate something from her dementia. While my sister layed upstairs with lights out in hall. My mother never bothered her for anything I was always her go too for every thing. so I stopped answering the bams and bangs and if I did I would direct her to my sister. Go up there and tell her for a change. so now its not persistant. It was hard at first but well worth it. but I truly suspects my sister sedates her so she does not have to be bothered with her.
I cant remeber if I posted that the chances of me getting a power of attorney or revoking the healthcare proxy is almost nil. I am still going to meet with lawyer next week about things anyway. And pick up copy of the deed when I get off because I was told if mine and my sister's names are not on deed the house will go to the state and this is how a lot of people lose there homes.
My main concern is to get the proper care for my mother. she is really going to go ballistic with no companion. Prince was her partner and company. So I will see what I can do leagally and then find the heart and wisdom to leave it alone if my hands are tied. I truely feel a lot of this is karma for my mother and my sister and for me for trying to fix everything.
The other sign in the store just came to mind. It said when you are at the end or your rope tie a knot and hang on tight. That is what I will be doing.
Many years ago I was driving behind a care and the license plate read, "Life is a beach and then you die." It cracked me up becuase it felt so true. Its not funny now but it still feels true. I just hope I find my place, and meet my spiritual destiny before I leave here and possibly? Just a little bit of justice after seeing see wrong run amuck most of the time.
I will be off line for a while, unless I set up my laptop which I only used the first week I got back home with it. I am going to find this humor thread and cheer up some.
Tomorrow is Halloween the day my father died. I miss him so much, Its been 37 years and it seems like yesterday sometimes.
Be good to yourselves.. smile
Bright rays of love and peace, healing and strength to all.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening, understanding and caring. It means so much.
Would things change if you find you are not on the deed? That would take much advance planning by mom for it to work.
We also have a "looker" who has been by to see our house 5 times now, with different family members. I can tell by the urgency in their Realtor's voice every time she calls to show the house (and feedback from our agent too) that they are also very interested, so we might just have a multiple offer War on our hands, Yippee! It sure would be nice to get More than asking price on our home, especially since the market is cooling down at the moment, though according to all my research, the housing market is Still on a slow upswing in the Seattle market for 2019, but we'd rather be safe and SOLD, than Sorry, it's time for a New Adventure!
It's all So Scary and Exciting at the same time, as we've lived here for 23 years! The folks who brought the first offer, and who are coming back with the higher offer originally tried to give us a 4 hour window to accept or not, but as I said, we hit them back with 4500 over ask, and now their offering the full price, unless Hopefully these folks today give us an offer too! Fingers Crossed! Lol!
Glad, I'm So Excited for you, Closing today? Yea! Yes, you absolutely chose the Best lot to build your dream Home on, and now you will be Celebrating the Holidays in your Beautiful New Home, Congratulations! It is true, life does go on after the loss of our parents, and now we are both headed towards New and Exciting Adventures! I hope this gives you all hope for the future! I wish you the Very Best in your New Place, and don't forget to reserve me a room in the Spring time, when I come to Visit You! Lol! Cheers Love!
DDuck, so sorry your Mom's beloved pooch has passed away. Your Mom is going to need a little extra attention in the coming days, As wiith her Dementia, I'm sure it will be confusing for her for a while. As for you, try to stay out of the drama with your Twisted Sis, that whole Microwave thing is just too weird for words, I would leave it right where it is, if that's where she wants it! CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs!
I Hope you find a way to get out, and into your own place here soon, that house is toxic and causes you so much worry and pain. I also would be worried about your sister drugging your elderly Mother, that can't be good! Is there someone who you could report that to? Her Dr maybe? Too too much stress for you Dearie! Take Care!
Hoping Everyone is doing well, I think of you all often! Wish me Luck that we sell our house in the next couple of days!
Yes, closed today. Will go and place shelf paper tomorrow, take over bed linens, how is it that they multiply? Will toss them in the tubs until Friday. They will be easy to find to get the beds made. I will be exhausted.
Congratulations!
Be sure to have a firm closing date, and that it does not say:
"At close of Escrow, or sooner".
My realtor showed up at 10 am on closing day and said I had to be out by noon.
I did not know it was closing day, and was happily packing.
And, all three toilets had to be low-flow. Surprise, a new law. Ever tried to pack, deal with plumbers, and move out in two hours?
I know your sale will be blessed, and no one deserves a new home like you and your hubs.
Congratulations Gladimhere!
Glad, yay! When is moving day?
we are going to have our pergola covered so we can sit out on the patio when it rains ( makes taking the dogs out easier). It will be 8-10 weeks before they can start the work.
I'm now searching furiously to find a Condo, and there have been quite a few that I have liked come available in the past few months, so not too overly worried there either, we will probably live with our Dd & SIL for a little while until just the right one comes up. They are both excited to have us stay with them over the holidays, well we will see how much they really mean that After a week or 2 with Ole Grumpy, especially since he talks non-stop through every television program, Lol!
Thanks for all of your well wishes! Your the Best!
duck (((((((hugs)))) Good to see you making better choices. Keep moving in a good direction for you.
stacey - Wow, just wow. Things happened so quickly! So happy for you.
glad -so happy for you too How exciting!
Tired and achy after the trip. Snow just arrived. Will see mother today or tomorrow then back home asap. I am ready to hibernate for the winter. Thinking about the early pioneers who stocked up on supplies that would keep, and managed through the winter without grocery shopping - beans and rice! What did they use for toilet paper? That's a rhetorical question.
Have a good day, all.
The Memorial Mass in Ohio went fine. My dad's God daughter did a wonderful eulogy. I did one also. We had more relatives at the service than at the family reunion in August. I would say that about half of his 49 nieces and nephews with their spouses and dad's only living sibling attended.
I stayed an extra day to spend time with my cousins. When I left on Monday to drive part way home, I cried all the way to the state line.
I have not read back over my previous posts to recall if I shared one thing that I learned about my dad that showed how much he loved me. My mom had him pay a financial bond as a promise to return me when he visited me every month which he did for 14 years. I don't know if the amount went up, but the starting cost was $5,000 which in today's money is over $41,000. So, that was a lot of money back then. He got the money back after each visit, but that was mean of my mom to do to both him and to me. I included this in his eulogy. My mother's sister in law told me about the bond which she and her husband did not like. They also did not like him having to spend Friday night in the hotel. So, they invited him to stay with them. He made a positive impression upon my oldest cousin. After the Maryland memorial service, I learned that the amount of the bond was $5,000.
I did not like the hospice chaplain very much at all. He had only known my dad since July when my dad went on hospice. Dad's Alzheimer's was to the point that he did not know who he was or anyone else. Yet, this chaplain claimed to have discussed my dad's faith with him. I think that he said that just to make the few who were there feel good. How can you discuss someone's faith if their mind is gone? Those who attended that service were mainly people who had been his caregivers over 4 years, relatives of his wife, and a few people still alive who had worked with him, been hired by him or with whom he played tennis or golf.
Overall, I found the Mass in Ohio more comforting.
My wife's knee surgery finally got planned for November the 9th and has been moved up to the 6th. Her identical twin sister was here while I was gone to both memorial services. In addition, she did a lot of nice things to the house as well. My wife's sorority sister from college now lives nearby and came to help while my wife waited for her sister to come. She has offered to help us during the post surgery time.
I am seeing an orthopedist on November 13th from what two of my cousins tell me is a frozen left shoulder. They experienced one and my symptoms sound like theirs.
Unfortunately, the stress of the last three months killed my diet. I've gained my weight back and my blood sugar went higher than before. I'm adjusting to giving myself insulin shots at bedtime.
Bye for now.
I am sick still/again now adding in bronchitis. I went to urgerent care earlier this morning. Now I’m taking an antibiotic, a steroid and using an inhaler. Ugh!
Sharyn, I hope you feel better soon.
Golden, all I can do is give it my best. I see a lawyer this week and will get the real deal on possiblities. Main priority is a home attendant.
Panz, seems like things went smoothly I am happy for you.
Glad, you sound so organized. Hope the move went well.
Stacey, I wish you the best in selling your house. and much more in finding a new dwelling.
Ali, I hope all is well with you.
Frazzeled, I hope all is well.
Book, thanks for the advice, its helped.
It felt funny but good having no events this weekend. I did a lot of U tube and check out a lot of things. So, I am thinking of getting a moldavite stone which is supposed to be one of the best ones.
I was lucky enought to work with some bad butt spiritual women who exposed me to gem stones, and colors and other things. It spiked my interest on top of my serious investigation of herbs to treat the lymphedema in my leg.
Anyway some how or another I started checking out the maldavite stones. I always loved ameythest, and toumaline. I had tourmaline earrings once and I immediately notioce how things changed in a good way. Of course I lost them.
So it seems maldovite helps clear the spirt the mind and the body. And brings about positive change. Lots more but good stuff from several different sources. I hope I luck out with a genuine one.
Wishing you all rays of peace and love.
I have felt sad ....remembering I would have been on the phone right away in past times with my sister and brother ...telling them what is going on with my daughter...But now since they don't want anything to do with me ... I felt weird about calling them. I asked my daughter if she had called either of them and she said no, and that she never talks to them any more that it didn't even cross her mind. I asked her if I should call them and let them know, but she didn't want me to. My sister tends to want to take over and can cause a lot of upset and when Mom was in the rehab after falling my brother showed up drunk ...very dysfunctional ...She and her husband are both so exhausted - she had a very close call almost died ... They said they hadn't thought to call anyone except someone to watch their dog. Just glad they called me ! Somehow I feel this is a defining moment with my two siblings. They both have expressed that they don't want anything to do with me ... So maybe this is how it will be from now on ? It has been a lot less stressful since they aren't talking to me...in the past when ever there was a rift I would bend over backward to get things worked out with them...but now I am too tired and can see that it is sort of better with out all the roller coaster rides they bring. This time I have just let it be....if they don't want me in their lives because Mom wants to leave me her little broken down trailer ... which she can''t anyway since it's in joint tenancy with my brother....I am just feeling really kinda sad. I was in home health for 26 years ... so I know the pay I would be getting as a cna and besides doing the case management ...but they don't get that. So I am just feeling sad tonight feeling the loss of what I never had anyway - a brother and sister who cared about me. I have some real friends who have been in my life 40 some years...and they have been there for me and not treated me with the abuse and disrespect I have gotten from my brother and sister. So I think this is the way it will be now... I will stop pretending that my brother and sister are there for me and my daughter, because they really aren't and never have been...at least not since she was about 14. Shes in her forty's now. So- she can decide on her own if she wants them to know whats going on in her life and I am going to just not insist she involves them ... Part of me thinks that I should call them...but it always turns into a nightmare. Just feels sad.
So since my previous post, I've been meeting my mom (the one with probable Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease) and my dad just once or twice a week while working the rest of the time. Since I don't stay with them, I only see them on my off days.
In the past few weeks I've just numbed all my emotions about her diagnosis and my thoughts of my childhood living with her narcissism. I tried to live life like it was before this shit all started. Not wanting to think about the future, or of my mom's disease and all that.
Honestly, a tiny part of me still wishes somewhere that the diagnosis is wrong--hey, it's November; her symptoms according to her started in May, but she's still completely functional to us at this stage. The only signs of "progression" to me is that she claims her memory is worse, and her reading / typing / writing is getting worse. These issues DO correlate to the parts of her brain that are affected in the MRI. But still doesn't quite sound like a "rapidly progressive dementia" where 90% die within 6 months to 1 year of symptoms starting, right?
I'm still wishing that we will reach May next year and she will still be the same and then the doctors will say "oh we don't think it's CJD anymore!".
I'm still wishing that her complaints of her symptoms worsening are just her trying to get attention. I would be happy if that were the case.
But I know the statistics of what we saw in the MRI (90% accuracy in diagnosis)... and I know things can change very suddenly when CJD progression occurs. So now it's just easier when I don't think about any of it at all.
Now I'm crying after so many weeks of feeling OK because my husband and I (we both work in the same company) tried to apply leave for next next week as it would be her birthday. And it got rejected because our roster master says there will be a lack of manpower (a lot of pharmacists like to go on leave in Nov & Dec and we can't all go or there's no one to run the stores).
It's not like I have the luxury to plan and take my leave in advance like in the past. My husband and I used to plan and apply for our leave half a year in advance for the past 4 years working in this company, and we did the same this year... until all this happened. Since my mom's diagnosis in late July, my husband and I have had to cancel a 21 day trip to Russia (forfeiting our visa for that as well), and we were desperately holding on to the leave days from that trip in case of any emergency (because with CJD, things were SUPPOSED to progress very quickly?!)
We cleared some leave days for the family trip in October and I was hoping to be able to use the remainder for more family trips. Now that my family has decided NOT to go on any more family trips, I thought of clearing the leave for special occasions (like my mom's birthday, and my own coming up in December), but here is this shit that the November and December slots for leave are fully taken up. Plus our company policy is that we are not allowed to carry our remaining days forward to the next year.
Crying at my desk while writing this now and I just can't stop. After weeks of feeling normal again and successfully escaping reality, I am now reminded again about how my life has been thrown upside down, that I cannot plan for any of the overseas trips that I used to live for (I wanted to go to South America in 2019 and I don't see how that's going to happen now), that my future ahead is shrouded completely in thunderclouds.
My bosses ARE aware of my mother's condition. I have just asked if it is possible for us to have an exception this time for my mom's birthday. If they say no, then fuck them and I will just go see a doctor to get medical leave on that day. I am also supposed to work on Christmas Day--I am probably going to just take medical leave that day too. Same for my birthday that is just a few days before Christmas. After all, statistically it is highly unlikely that my mother will be still around for all that next year.
Ahem. Do not crap on your hard worked-for career with a reputable company so that you can spend the entire day on your mother's birthday. Go to work, and then go to see your mother after that.
Sheeeeeessshhh, those FOG tentacles. They work into every corner of your soul.
Why is it necessary that your mother's birthday should claim every hour of that day? It is an important day. You want to spend time with her on it, and mark it properly. Of course.
But how does that require you to blot a good work record? You are a good, professional employee. The company has legitimate business needs which you fully understand. And they needn't stop you respecting your mother's claims.
Don't you see that if you "pull a sicky" you are sacrificing your professionalism on the mother altar? Your mother's birthday is important. Your mother is important. Does that mean that *nothing* *else* can be permitted to be important?
I'm picking on this subject precisely because it's only a little detail in the whole picture. One tiny step at a time.
Deal with what is in front of you. The much bigger issues, the diagnosis and prognosis - and your LIFE!!! - just keep repeating "time will tell."
I'm glad for her and for you that she's doing well at the moment. Time will tell.
I know where you are coming from, I really do.
But actually I wanted to spend time with her on her birthday (and for Christmas and my own birthday) out of my own choice. I just don't want to regret not having spent those last special occasions we have while I still had the chance. She really isn't trying to guilt me into this or force me into this.
My work hours are also usually from 11AM-8PM, so a family dinner after work for her birthday is also pretty much not a feasible option when my dad usually wants to go to sleep by 9PM and they usually all eat their dinner at around 6PM.
Honestly, when it comes to my company, they're not that fantastic to work with either. Our turnover rate is atrocious, our salaries are stagnating, and our work hours are extremely family-unfriendly. At least half the colleagues I knew have left in the past 4 years and replaced by new people who will then usually also quit within 2 years. I have had a different boss every year too in the past 4 years. We have 12 hour long shifts on weekends, we have to work 4 public holidays out of the 11 we have in a year, we even have to BALLOT to be able to take time off for Lunar New Year (I had one colleague who did not manage to go back to his parents in his hometown in Malaysia for 7 Lunar New Years because of this reason)...
I've tolerated all that nasty sounding shit so far because yes, the company needs to do what it can as a retail business to maintain profits blah blah blah, but more importantly my husband and I could match our schedules and we got lots of travel days in return. Now it has come to a point that I am coming close to throwing my resignation letter with a big fat middle finger. I know I can get a job easily with a competitor company.
At this point of time, how I wish my mom was a horrible person that I could hate, I wish I could still hate her with all my core. But the problem is that she's not. Perhaps it would be easier for me if I could still hold on to all the hate and resentment I had. But now when the anger is gone it's just a crushing sadness of the things I'm gonna lose. I wonder, would it hurt more losing something that you've never had, versus something you've had for just a short period of time, versus something you've had all your life? I'm the middle one now. I enjoyed my family, finally feeling like it was a normal, happy, functional family for just two years (since I moved out)... and now it's going to be gone? If God exists, he is seriously a cruel one.
1. Tidy up your CV.
2. Have a little browse around job sites and see if anything appeals to you.
3. Send out some feelers with a view to a 'new year new career' change - I suppose that could be January or February, then, couldn't it? Depending on which new year you pick :)
But *meanwhile*. You could take your mother flowers on her birthday and have breakfast with them, instead. You could ask the family to arrange the dinner on the adjacent weekend, or your nearest day off. All I mean is, that if the Perfect Plan A - big birthday dinner on the day itself at 6:00 pm sharp - isn't working, there are plenty of other options besides resenting your job.
Look. Illness may have caused changes in your mother, she may have changed her perspective, you do want to store up good memories - I do get it, I promise. But a bit of me, and I suspect part of you, is groaning "oh come ON! You're not falling for that one, are you?!" I hope that part is excessively cynical and it does turn out that this phase of your relationship with your mother and the rest of the family is positive and lasting. But don't let your guard down.
Then stepdad was hospitalized quite ill and I was not notified until it was thought he would pass within a couple of days. That was by his daughter who had also joined the band of dysfunction. I was living 450 miles away by that point, but drove the following morning to see him. When I entered his room he looked at me with astonishment and asked what took me so long. He and I had become quite close. When I told him I had just found out and that the dysfunction continued he was obviously very hurt by his daughter and my twisteds. Heck I wasn't even listed as a family member on his hospital contacts. He fixed that during my visit. TS2's excuse for such vindictive behavior? She thought I may have changed my cell phone number! Really! But, that was the way it was.
So, yes your daughter is capable of notifying who she wants and her health is her business and hers alone until she decides differently.
You are not the first to go through this and most certainly will not be the last.
You can still have a special day with mom on a day that will work for all. You have given up a trip for her. What else are you willing to give up? What would she want you to give up?
If I were working for them, I would hesitate in using my car as transportation for the client. If I got into an accident, they can sue me! It's one thing - if I'm using company vehicle to take clients to the store but my own car? Heck no! I assume your car insurance covers your passengers? Does it also cover if you're using your vehicle for business purposes? I recall reading my insurance policy which I mentioned at enrolment that I only use my car for personal use. I'd read the fine prints of your insurance policy just to make sure it also covers when doing business related stuff.
Oreo, I was going to comment to your first comment but decided to read the other comments first. In our large family, we have been known to celebrate Thanksgiving or Xmas the day before or after the holiday. It felt strange but due to work schedules or other in-law obligations, my family was the more flexible ones. I like CM's advise about celebrating the holiday with breakfast rather than dinner. Taking inappropriate designated leave of absence is not good. They will know why you're really off on those dates. You will become 'unreliable.' I'm not sure if a competitor company would want to hire a lying (false reason leave excuse) and 'not a team player' (as in Nov/Dec is the busiest time) into their company.
Starting today, why don't you start buying little trinkets or outings or share a poem/song/movie with your mom? You don't have to wait until it's xmas. Start making each day precious with your mom by doing/sharing things with her. It's the little things that count. One day, visit mom with her favorite flower (it could be just one or 2 stem flower.) My ex-bf got me a rose. Whoop-de-doo. My bosses visited me after my surgery and brought a very very small flower arrangement. It touched my heart 150% more than that rose. Why? They brought flowers that had some purple blossoms. My favorite color was purple. I still treasure that gift up to this day. Those little purple flowers beat that rose hands down! See, it's the little things that touches the heart... =)
needhope - I think you are wise to let them go. It is sad when families are so fractured, but we can't make it right. Your dd can contact them that she is sick or whatever. I have found the less I share with my narc sis the better life goes. The more space, detachment and boundaries, the better. Hope your dd is much better, That was very scary for you. Share your family news with trusted friends who can support you.
oreo - you are in a very tight space. Those holidays which may not materialize sound wonderful, but what a disappointment if you cannot have them,.You are still coping with the news of your mum's diagnosis which, understandably, is sending you into a tail spin. It is a time when we want to do things right, to set right whatever we can, but that may not be possible. It is all part of grieving what we know is coming. Breathe deep, be kind to yourself, give yourself some space to process your feelings.
sharyn - hope you shake that bug soon
glad - whoopee -you are in your new home!!! So happy for you.
Pamz - glad the funeral went well. These times can be difficult with dysfun fams.
Back home - tired and hopefully recovering from the big D . It started a few days ago but really hit me yesterday before I got the bus back home. Imodium to the rescue! Got off at the wrong bus stop which left me stranded on a street corner in the snow and wind. Thankfully middle son was on the way to pick me up as I called him when we hit town. It is a new bus, as the greyhound has shut down. Now I have the hang of it for future trips. Get off at the end of the line and wait in the office for your ride. A sweet older lady, who also got off at the corner, checked to make sure I was OK. Her son came to pick her up and they would have given me a ride. That was heartwarming,
Mother is asleep most of the time. I tried to wake her yesterday but without success. But she does wake enough to take in some food. She doing better with liquids so if she doesn't take in much of her pureed food they blend it with liquid and also give her Ensure. She still likes her desserts. The LPN had asked the doctor to call me to update me on her condition. He called my home phone so I missed it and I will call him today. Mother's colour is better it was in the spring and the loss of 20 lbs has her looking more like she used to, but, without doubt, she is declining. Sleeping the rest of her time away is a kinder way to go than some and I would be relieved if that is what she does. I need to figure out how to spend more time there, and what times of day are best to get her awake,
Winter is here with a vengeance. I have to go out today and am not looking forward to it,
A quote from one of the works of Don Marquis is apt here -
Cheerio My Deario (By ARCHY THE COCKROACH)
talking with Mehitabel the alley cat.
"butwotthehell
archy wotthehell
its cheerio
my deario that
pulls a lady through"
Take care all
And next week is a three day weekend, which I really need. Will try to do a bit each night.
My husband and I live with my parents taking care of both of them because mom is in congestive heart failure and dad has Alzheimer's. Since my oldest sister's funeral, my other sister has been wanting to be friendly, but in a really diffident kind of way. She keeps apologizing for asking questions to me on Facebook, and acts as if none of the cutting off was done by her, as if, for some reason people just exited her life rather than her being... well, I can't say what I want to on this.
Anyway, she's a nurse and she's infinitely more qualified to take care of my dad than I am. I'm a dog groomer, give me an aged pet and I can work wonders humans are completely different. Also, my job is already very physical and when I have to come home and take care of dad I just get too exhausted. So back to my sister: I'm trying not to feel resentful about her wanting to give me advice, because I really do need it, but just the way she plays her "poor little me" game irritates me no end. I don't really need advice. I just really wanted to vent to get this off my chest.