The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Now, I probably won't sleep now. knocking, knocking, shining flashlights in through my uncovered Windows, knocking ringing bell, knocking... Scared me to death! Very brazen burglar if that is what it is. Called the sheriff, it is deputies at my door, then wonder what did I do? Dispatch asked me to open the door to talk with them. Oh, poor Ming scared to death too, off to a hiding spot.

There is a car parked in the street by the side of my house. A neighbor called because he saw someone run between the houses. Looking for the owner of the car, belongs on a street that has a terrible reputation. His car being here? Very strange.

The neighbor that called sheriff came to the door earlier tonight with caramel corn and cookies to introduce herself and her five year old son. She asked if I was married. Probably went home and told husband that I am single. So, they are watching out for me.

Sheriff has not found him, wonder if he worked on the house. Call contractor in morning.

Lowes sells some paper blinds $4 you just stick them up on the windows temporarily-especially for move-in days. I kept mine up on one window for extra sun relief, about a year. (They are fan-folded), and look so much nicer than sheets!

Glad - scary experience to hear pounding door in the middle of the night. Happened once to us. I slept in the sofabed in the livingroom with bedridden dad in his hospital bed near the louvred windows facing the front porch. There was this very authoritative knocking on the door. I woke up and sat up suddenly staring at the door. We didn't have a security screen door - just the wooden livingroom entrance door from the front porch. I looked at dad. He was awake and staring at me with wide eyes. Thank goodness this was the one time he did not automatically call out his usual: "Come in!" As the pounding kept on, we just stared at each other.... I found out that night that I'm one of those wimpy people you see in those horror movies - who freeze when they're scared... Glad, I don't think a single thought popped into my head to call 911! I was so scared, everything froze - even my thought process.

I'm glad you're safe and sound. And that your neighbor will also be keeping an eye out on you. And vise versa, especially with a little kid.

glad (((((((hugs)))))) very scary but glad you have good neighbours. You have to wonder if he was around the house before you moved in. I do hope that is the end of it. Let us know what you find out from the contractors. What an awful thing to have happen when you are just settling into your new home. Have you thought of installing a security system? Hope you find your kitchen dishes soon.

sharyn - get well soon!!!!

tambra - welcome You are in a very difficult situation. Just the fact you are caregiving two people is a huge burden. I am sorry about the loss of your sister. Having a dysfunctional sib adds much to your burden. Can you get some help - home care or such? It sounds like it is all too much for you and it will only get worse as they decline further. Anyway, come back and vent any time. Annoying sibs are VERY aggravating!

book - that must have been scary, I leave front and back porch lights on at night and the neighbour has a motion activated light which goes on when anyone comes up their or our driveway. The neighborhood has been so safe though there was one break in around the corner some years ago He ran into the bush and the RCMP tracked him with a dog and caught him. We have a low crime rate compared to the rest of the province and the country as a whole.

Still waiting for the dr to call back. I need to recover from this trip before planning the next one. Need to contact my sister to let her know that mother has declined. Can't count on my niece as a go between now with the trouble between them. So much for spending a quiet winter here. Need to get some jobs done before I go south again, The best laid plans of mice and men...Sigh!

Oreo, Glad and Country, are making very valid points.

I do understand how important your mother's birthday would be to you especially with the realization that she may be leaving you soon and that very possibility can distort things and make things urgent.

Please do not lose your good job, history, ethics for a day with your mother.

let her know you cant be there for her birthday but plan something special with her.

I had a big break down two weeks past when my mother said she was tired and was going home. My heart was so torn, just the thought brings tears. Through that tumoil, and after crying like a banshee I acutally saw how I was so manipulated and programed by my narcissist mother. How I depended on making her happy to my detriment and pain throughout the years. How I blocked my self from progress and goodness because of decisions I made with her in the center my focus, my guiding light.

I cant change a life time of programming but I recognized and finally acepted it and how it has affected my life, relationships, my world. With tears I say I dont want to go there anymore, not ever again. I cant change over night but I am working real hard. And after those hard tears, and seeing my self so broken and torn and realizing thats about the summit of my relationship with her outside of my own love for her. I loved her hard and still do but I acutually realized that what I felt then was basically the norm of our relationship.

Talked to contractor, he didn't know anyone by the name the sheriff gave me. I am grateful for that neighbor and must try to talk with them tomorrow. Yes, Golden I have thought about a security system especially after last night.

I sent an email to the sheriff this morning so he came to my office to let me know they gave the guy a verbal warning to stay out of the area. Sheriff did not know I live here, now they do and next time they will call with notification if something is going on. Scared the living bejeebers out of me.

I am loving this house, just wish I had more energy to find things like my dishes. It sure seems that I have plenty of storage, though I reserve the right to change my mind. It just feels so good to lay down at night, I am so tired.

This wireless internet is for the birds! I need to move the modem closer to this ended of the house to see if it helps. It is the only internet currently available, but fiber optic is suppose to be constructed in the next few months. And I am trying to cut the cord, roku and dtvnow. Not happy about it so far.

I am not caught up. I just posted a tad and my eyes are red again.

Oreo, and Need, keep posting its so cathartic. sometimes as I post I see my self in an objectionable way and see my situation better.

I just wanted to share that I feel there has been a big change in my life. Its wierd, and I was expecting something bad or some more drama. I feel stronger and I feel like my prayers are being answered.. Its wierd. it feels good and peacful maybe its wierd because such feelings are so rare in my life.

In any case I am grateful. I feel God in my life. I mean, I feel that way all or most times but I feel as if I have had special breakthough in my behalf.

Now the drama continues. My mother still has poor appetite. I missed her meals on wheels on sat. We made it through just fine and I felt even better when I came down and saw someone had left her a fish dinner wondering why it was on the floor and a piece of fish was on the floor. Thinking she put it there for the Prince? who just passed on.
So I am grateful that this one time I dont have to prepare or heat up food, I take my shower. And looking at the fish and why it was on the floor, I noticed she had moved the container next to the fish that was on the floor. I had questioned her about why she had it on the floor. It looked good.

My mother moved the container closer to the fish and a whirl of activity started flowing from the containers. I had to stop my self from stomping and fast stepping due to this recurrenet but subsideing heal pain and recurrent, returned groin pain. so I had to leave them alone to return with combat gel and order somemore traps.

Now that was wierd, I dont know if my mother put them on the floor becuase of the roaches or what. But I do know I had gotten them down to almost zero. And these were fast as running furriously. Our guys are kind of low keyed, different.

anyways the first time I saw a nest in the old fridge hinges I cried. In fact seeing a bunch would bring a tear of frustation.

I think that breakdown of crying I had last week made it very clear in my head that I have no control of events. That I have slowly been killing myself, trying to control things with my need and desire for normality, love, acceptance, respect.. knowing deep down inside its not a possibiltiy and never was as long as I stayed connected to this family.

So later I was proud of my self for just seeing it as something to get rid of instead of a symptom of the dysfunction in my family.

And oh boy!! do I have a long ways to go and I have no idea whats around the corner and I hope I can continue to keep my head.

Meanwhile, I am still on Utube, Sadhguru, gives good advice and teachings. I am still exploring codependence and narcisssim. Everything and anything that helps me understand myself and my issues better.

God much love for you all.


Rays of love peace and understanding

Oh, the lawyer canceled our apointment I have to reschedule. It worked out fine becuase I was going to forfeit voting so I could make apt. I would have had to get up 2hrs earlier. And I had to walk about 9 blocks to and from the polls. Not to mention that I left my phone and didnt miss it untill I was 3 stops away on the bus. so I walked about 8-10 miles today,

So when I realized I left phone, I thought it was for a good reason. Accepted it and kept it going, While I wondered how all this walking would help this crazy groin stuff and knee stuff and heel stuff. Its crazy stuff.

Then I found a nice store on walk home that made a nice breadfast that I left my mother eating and went upstairs to exhuausted to feel stresss.

Boy oh Boy!! I hope I can keep this mindset I have had lately. Calm cool, and collective and most of all thankful. YaY!

Be Blessed everyone, I am out. Sleep tight.

Golden
glad you're home safely

even though it has been going on for months, I still find it hard to get my head around not being able to wake the Viking when she's in sleeping beauty mode especially since she's such a light sleeper by nature

Thank you for listening to me and for your comments.. I appreciate this site so much...has helped a lot. I am going to my daughters in the morning... thankful I have help to stay with Mom the 3 days ...a blessing .... So off I go ! Daughter was discharged from hospital tonight ... yey ...love and prayers...

Hi Book,

Thank you so much for your opinion. Yes, you're right, I do need to read the fine print regarding my insurance policy. Actually, I think I'm covered, but should read it anyway.

The rules out here are that we can do approved shopping for the client.
This woman I was working for, I'm afraid wanted to go over the approved amount. When her daughter interviewed me, because she handles her mothers things, told me that the client had real walking issues. She uses a cane. After I'd been with her over a week, I found out that she really should be using a walker.
I helped her put on those support hose for bad veins. So the daughter basically was combining these shopping trips as a way for her mother to do some walking. This isn't really walking, because all the woman did was lean on the shopping cart, and walk around very slowly around the stores. It was really a way of getting her mom out of the house. I'm suspecting it was also a way to get her mother's shopping done. Then on weekends or time off her own daughter wouldn't have to take her mom to do this. But these trips, I've come to realise now that I'm no longer in their employ, aren't really within the IHSS rules.
Since I left, I got on the computer and read their manual. It only allows one hour for actual grocery/necessary shopping. Heck this lady had me take her to Ross/99cent store.
This was my first time working w/in this Resgistry. I got busy doing other work, but am going to go at it again with the IHSS. This time, I know more, so I'll be better equipped about knowing how this system works.

Hope all is well with you Book. I'm sure life has changed for you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Needhope,

Thank you so much for the advice about my foot. It's doing a lot better than when I'd first posted. It just had to run it's course of healing. I was icing at first, then put lots of tiger balm and castor oil on it.

Also, you are right about the rules re: IHSS. I'm learning, and next time this issue comes up in an interview I'll be better prepared. You are so right about the amount of work caregivers do, and that its to help clients stay in their homes.
I'll have to remember that.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad, scary first night in your house! Outside security w/cameras and motion sensors sounds like a good idea.

Duck, I’m happy to hear it sounds like you are detaching from some of the stress, keep on heading that direction.

Golden, it’s good to be home after these trips away.

Im getting better, I can breathe through my nose again, lol! So many bugs going around right now and our grandsons like to share them!

my brother is in rehabilitation , however, my nephew tells me they are very disappointed with the place and checking to see if they can bring him back to Stanford. He said they have failed badly in doing what they should be doing.

My sister has very conflicted feelings about her daughter’s suicide now that it appears my nieces hubs has a girlfriend. Not too many details available and we all feel disappointed in him and wondering if this was the trigger.

duck - Glad you are feeling stronger. it is hard when you first start to see the reality of your situation with narcissists. I have a narc mother and sis too who played off one another. Now sis can't play the same games as mother is too far gone, but she can play other games to my detriment. I don't need it. You are changing as you are getting more aware. I found I had to protect myself more than anything, Melody Beattie is good on co-dependence

glad - have the neighbours had much of this kind of trouble or was it an isolated incident? If it was, it really makes me wonder why he targeted your house. It is good you have contact with the sheriff. I bet you are tired from the move, Hope the new internet will be up soon.

madge - thank you . It is good to be home, From what I understand the deep sleeping is part of them winding down - more sleeping less eating. Yes, it is hard to accept. She's there, but she's not there.

needhope - have a great time with your daughter and a well earned break from care giving. Hope she is recovering well. I have found much comfort and help here too.

Margeaux -sounds like you are getting the know the ropes, I am sure you need to as some people will try to take advantage of you.

Processing some feelings now - mixed ones, I tend to do a lot of anticipatory grieving, There is some sadness as I will miss mother when she passes, despite our very checkered past. On the other hand, a great burden will be lifted off my back. It is hard to even imagine what that will be like, but it has to have a good side. Still waiting on a return call from the doctor. I have found some rentals in Eton that could work so I can be down there more. I need to rest up before I go down again. Wish I was 20 years younger. Sigh!

sharyn - glad you are getting better, My sinuses are much improved. Ah yes, being in contact with little ones exposes you to many bugs. Sorry to hear your family is hot happy with your bro's care. He needs the best! Ugh, that niece's hubs has a girlfriend. It is hard enough without that.

Sharyn, youngster bugs, definitely make their way around!

Golden just get to feeling better before going south.

Had housecleaners clean the rental yesterday. They did a beautiful job and worth the cost! Called to tell landlord that it is ready for the next renter. I called just as she and hubby were checking out of hospital. He had just been diagnosed with bladder cancer. I am so sad for them, such a lovely couple.

Was really glad I had cleaners take care of the house. She came to my office today to pick up the key and told me she was in tears when she called hubby to tell him the condition of the house. She was so relieved they would not have to do anything, and then I was really glad I did it the way I did. Plus I don't have much energy to take care of emptying boxes and putting stuff away. Speaking of which, think I will do a bit now.

I would enjoy burying the dysfunction. But it will not die. I hate the holidays! You all may remember that I contacted twisteds to invite them to Dd1's for Xmas eve last year. That was my gesture to extend the olive branch. Now I will not again, and twisteds will just have to miss spending time with my kids and families on the holidays. I actually think twisteds are a bit jealous that my kids have all done so well and have beautiful children.

This year I thought maybe just maybe they make overtures of their own. But it wasn't to be. TS1 contacted each of my kids to invite for thanksgiving. Ts1 I just need to stay as far away as possible and detach as much as possible as I possibly can. Dd1 let me know of the invite. I reminded her that I made the gesture last year and told her that I am done. I think she now gets it.

So, for TG I will be going to my ex's and wife with the kids and families. Did that Xmas day last year. It was ok and I got to spend time with my kids and grands.

Dysfunction alive and well. I just need to continue as I have for the past seven years now, let it go, and the new year will be here before we all know it. Though I would prefer to just fast forward to next year.

Thinking of all of you with the dysfunctional families. You will get through it, detach.

Dysfunctional families, spouses, and parents give therapists a job!

I'm glad to report that this holiday season that there is one less dysfunctional person in my extended family, my MIL who died this year. It will be great without her around! Sometimes, you just have to outlive these dysfunctional people. Since my SIL had to deal with her the most, I am going to buy a book for her about recovering from a relationship with a Narcissist. My wife has been dealing with this in therapy, and I've been doing the same, but her sister is not in therapy. If you have ever read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, my MIL was a combination of the Borderline Queen and the Borderline Witch. Borderlines have a strong Narcissistic streak. So, unlike my wife's therapist, I think the woman was a Borderline with an excessively strong Narcissistic streak.

Yes, the wicked witch of the west is dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Magnum, ts1 is a therapist and the worst of the two! 😄

Glad,

I'm sorry to hear that and remember you mentioning that before. She is one of those who should not have ever become a therapist.

And when I was caring for mom, I was certain ts1 suffered from compassion fatigue. She always had excuses related to her clients that gave her reason to not even see mom. Course I was one of her major excuses too, she did not want to be in the same building as I, because of her fear of being verbally abused. LOL. I didn't want to be around her either, and would have used the opportunity to get out of there even for a little bit. And she did a wonderful job of getting ts2 to buy in to her crap.

One time the excuse was because she counsels convicts. Gotta wonder was she implying something? This was about the same time frame that I was being investigated by APS for exploitation. Then another time it was because she was counseling caregivers. That I cannot even imagine, in my wildest dreams!😀

Bizarre but true.

I am so looking forward to January..when the holidays are over. I used to love Thanksgiving, when the families got together, and even Christmas, when we got together. Now one side of the family, has people too old or sick to travel, as does my side of the family. My brother and his certified Borderline personality wife, moved far away when my father, the star of my dysfunctional family turned 89 (my brother has always been removed enough that he isn't affected by Dad's dysfunctional tantrums..as my brother is King)..but my dear mother died last year. I'm the responsible one for Dad, though I have maintained my 2 hour away home...Dad can be fine and he can be illogical, irrational and intolerable..all thrown at my mother...and me. Yippee. So..there's no answer..no solution..but I'll be with just Dad at the senior living place (it's nice..but he throws barbs at me about it) Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It's my obligation. I just wish my brother or cousins could share..but they can't. So...I miss my mother! And I'll carry on with my dad. Hopefully there won't be any explosions from.him to me. It's hard. And I'm just venting..

Watching a show on Investigation Discovery channel, called Twisted Sisters! LOL!

Also looking forward to January, when then winter holidays are behind us.

Been practicing my detaching — early and often.

Can’t change other people; I can only change my reaction to them. Yeah yeah yeah.

Off to the races!

Hi guys, it's been awhile since I have updated on here, and still trying to get caught up on my reading here.

Mom has been out of the last geri psych unit for about 3 weeks now, and her new meds do seem to be helping some with her anxiety. It's still a pain going to appointments or out anywhere with her because every time she throws a tantrum wanting me to bring her back to live with me, rather than back to her senior living facility.

The place she lives is nice, and I don't get what she sees as so bad about it. They pretty much wait on her (meals, meds, housekeeping, etc) but I guess she wants me around 24/7 to do it (been there, done that, not again!). I do understand it's not home, but she doesn't even ask to go back to her house, she wants to go to mine!

That's what kind of worries me about the holidays. Our plan is to bring her some food from our house and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her at the facility, maybe take her out for a movie or something too. I know she'll want to come back to our house, which it wouldn't be a problem bringing her back here for a few hours if she were well-adjusted to where she's at, but I know if we brought her back here for a visit in her current mindset, I would have one heck of a time figuring out how to get her back to her place. She would dig in her heels and refuse to go.

She's mentioned wanting to see my twisted sis (Glad, I like that term, it is accurate for me too!) and her narc mother. I suppose if they want to see her, I can arrange for them to visit her at the facility. Neither my sis or mom's mother have even bothered to contact me to arrange a visit in all the time that mom has been there, despite telling their attorney multiple times that I don't let them see her. They have contacted mom and the facility behind my back, which the facility manager made me aware of after mom was upset a couple of times after talking with my sister.

I don't think it's a good idea for her to go to her mother's (where my sis also lives) not only because of what they have put her through but because holidays there always end with a bunch of fighting and drama, and she doesn't need the stress, though mom seems to miss the drama in her life and has a hard time with peace herself. It seems like she will create drama if it's too peaceful. All she knows, I suppose. Me, I need peace and quiet after a lifetime of it.

Mom's neurologist said he wants to do a Datscan, which is a test to check for markers of Parkinson's, given her neuro symptoms and the fact that her dad had PD also. The test involves something to do with the dopamine levels. He said also that schizophrenia and schizophrenia variant illnesses can actually cause or worsen dementia symptoms over time, since those illnesses are really hard on the brain.

Anyway, that's pretty much how things stand here, always feels like waiting for another shoe to drop. I hope next year is a little calmer than this one has been.

Golden, I'm sorry to hear that your mom isn't doing as well. I know what you mean about sadness and relief. I think that's probably how I'll feel when mom reaches the end. Sad because she's my mom but relief because I've had the weight of being an emotional caretaker for her from a young age, and now her guardian as she's gotten older.

I hope you are feeling better and have been able to rest a little since your last trip.

SharynM, I'm glad your brother was able to be moved to rehab, but sorry that they are unhappy with his care. Hopefully they can get the issues straightened out.

It must be very confusing to the family about niece's hubs girlfriend too. I would have mixed feelings also.

Glad, Susan, Blackhole, I will be glad when the new year gets here too! I really hope it's more peaceful. I wish I could just hibernate for the winter.

DDDuck, I'm glad to hear you are more at peace. Hopefully you can get the attorney meeting rescheduled and glad you were able to go vote.

Can see part of the counter, at least until I unpack a few more boxes,😲

Fraz, lots of twisted sisters out there, for sure!

Sharyn, my condolences for your family, betrayal, cheating, is very painful.
I am glad your brother is makings some progress and wish the best in the search for a new facility.

Glad what you did with that rental is called "class". That's what I thought after I read yourost. You were a blessing that old couple needed. God does uses us as angels.

Frazzeled I am glad things are getting better with your mom. I understand how depleting it is when they are not happy. When my mother gave me a big fight in the outside trying to keep her from walking off I felt so bad and my sterness looked like I was treating her wrong and I still have resentment for the people who said leave her alone. Not knowing how bad her dementia was. Its a tad off suct. Just saying I know the strain on the psyche when I have to force my mother to do or stop doing something for her own good.

Golden, I hope you are feeling better and rested from your trip. Be strong.

Ok so my good peaceful feeling is still on me. I had a moment of possible relapse into my own thinking. Job texted me to cover sometone on friday and at first I started to and then I decided I couldnt. Friday is my day to cook meals that I freeze for the next week for my lunch and my mother. Anyway I felt so bad for refusing then I felt I was wrong and it was a sign of my dysfunction and then Friday morning I just got on my knees and prayed. I shed a few tears wishing I was in a place that I could just up and take on another shift thinking it would be good for me because i have so much peace on the job. I could use the money and I am not going to do anything progressive in my room anyway. So many thoughts.
I am getting up earlier lately so friday morning after had all the negative thoughts and prayed I go downstairs to find the tv on and my mothers shoes near bed but my mother was nowhere to be found. All the doors were locked so I did a panicky search dreading the worse with each door I opened because she was not answering me. Then it dawned on me that she must have gone to doctor. so I text nephew and asked if she was with him or his mother, then I just called the HIP center and yes she had apt.

So now this hit me a little hard. This dysfunction, my panic, no note or regard that i may come down and get worried even for a moment. And how much it saddens me that we are this way and then I lost my motivation to cook. And decieded they got her they can feed her and I went downtown hoping to find a nice outfit to send to my oldest grand for xmas. As I was leaving they came in and surprisingly she asked if I was cooking today. I told her no, that I was going out and I would bring her back something good and we would have a feast tomarrow.

Seems that that ride downtown does me good for stress release. As I showered and had a little tear I reminded myself thart these things are out of my control no matter how spiteful and sick and I think that is what my good feeling is about because I am able to let things go easier now and let God.

I will catch up more tomorrow, but the big news is I talked to the doctor and he sees no signs of mother nearing her end. He said, in her present condition, she could live to 110. 😲

They have removed the anti psychotic, the hydromorphone and the antidepressant as they say they are is not helping her. I am not there so I have to trust their assessment. He said they will try another antidepressant, She has a good dose of Voltaren and they started a reflux med. He thinks the pain she expresses is largely existential, (basically emotional, I think, as she never has been a happy person), On the other hand a 20+ lb weight loss in 6 months, eating less and sleeping more means to me that the disease is progressing. If that continues over the next 6 months it will be a different picture. The nurse says she does better drinking than eating so her food is being blended. That, to me, also indicates decline. We will see.

However, in terms of my planning, there is no urgency for me to be down there, so I can go back to my planned quiet winter which is quite a relief. I have a list of jobs that must be done. Got my flu shot yesterday so that is one crossed off.

Have a good night, everyone,💤😴🛌

Good night, Golden. Me too.