The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Found my and mom's recipe boxes! Got those books from the "Book" room emptied and put on shelves. Gosh I knew I had purged books before the move three years ago, but this is the first time that I have actually placed them on the book shelves since then. Have yet to organize them, maybe old texts and such on one of the shelves in the room that will be office stuff. Then fun reading books in other spare room. Hmmmm.... My next goal is to finish unpacking boxes in kitchen, figure out where things will go so that room looks at least somewhat organized and useable.

Cold, sleety day here. Went out first thing this morning, before it got too bad, for my weekly coffee and a few groceries. My driveway is somewhat steep, slid a bit getting to garage. But now those outside chores are done and I can hunker down for the rest of the weekend. Maybe lentil soup for dinner tonight. It is a soup kinda day.🍜🍞 Or Marie Callendars chicken 🐥 pot pie.😌

Oh book - SO awesome that you found the recipe boxes. Cherish them (and the handwriting..... and the dribbles). And make them!

My mom had a handful of signature recipes that I would have loved to have. When I cleaned out her house, I found everything but. ☹️

Good food and good memories are often intertwined. Go for it, book! 👍🏼

Golden, I hope the meds are going to work for your mom. It is hard to see them depressed. It tears at your heart. It’s good you are recovering from the flu shot. I haven’t gotten one yet.

Glad, I have my mom’s recipe box. I sent several recipes to my niece. She loves to cook like I do. It’s a nice treasure to have.

Duck , you are moving in the right direction. Detach, detach!

My knee is slowly getting better. I’m now known as Nancy Kerrigan at work, lol! No one is stepping up to be Tanya Harding, ha ha, can’t blame them!

my brother has panic attacks when his wife is not with him. He is on an anti depressant and anti anxiety meds. The anti anxiety can be given in a lower dose but staff gives him full dosage which knocks him out for 12 hours and they put him on the ventilator. He misses PT and it takes 3-4 days to wean him off the ventilator again. My sil is very frustrated with the facility and they are trying to get him something better. She is with him about 15 hours a day and she would stay but they won’t allow it. He is suppose to get only filtered water in case there is bacteria in the water and him being on anti rejection drugs which lowers immunity. The staff will get him water out of the bathroom. We are all worried about his progress or lack of progress at this time.

I hope Thanksgiving will be a good day for everyone. My dd volunteered to work so I wouldn’t have to.....but I’m cooking the dinner for us, lol! She only has to work 8-2 as the store closes by 4pm.

Sharyn, or should I say Nancy? Be careful, don't push.

Sorry to hear so much worry over your brother.

What a deal! DD will work so you can cook? I don't know who has the more difficult job. But, I do know that you will have the most fun.

Pamz - that's awful. Here I think it is babies more than seniors. More resources definitely needed.

fraz - I would like someone to put me on a plane to a warm destination. Not kidding! Mother once tried to fly herself east but she didn't have proper ID. It was the beginning of a very difficult time.

glad - great!!! I still have some hand written recipes -"take a jug of milk" and some others that are more modern. Nice to have your books on shelves. Cold and snowy here, I had fried polenta rounds and maple syrup for supper last night. Not something I would do often, but it was good. Tonight I think it will be butternut squash soup with spinach added, and some hemp hearts for protein.

sharyn -not sure what meds they are trying on mother now. More on that later. I do hate seeing her depressed. Finally I think I am over the flu shot. It took a while but the flu would take longer. Glad your knee is getting better. So sad your bro is having all these problems. I can see why your sis is frustrated. I hope they find a new place soon.

Having trouble logging onto a bank account today. I've renewed the password a couple of times and it still doesn't work. I'll try again tomorrow and then phone them if it still doesn't work. Very aggravating!!!

On the mother front, I got a phone call this afternoon from the NH and the friendly nurse may had figured out some things about why mother is crying so much.. First of all, mother's dentures are loose, even after the relining, and she needs Polygrip. That is easy to fix. Next, the nurse reported that mother talked a lot, which she has not been doing, and said she wanted some bread to eat, and some cereal, and no pureed food. So the nurse went against the diet recommendations and gave her a couple of slices of bread with a little butter on them and mother ate them both with no swallowing difficulties. So the nurse has asked for a review of mother's diet. Thirdly, she cleaned mother hearing aids filters and now mother can hear much better. And, since mother has been given pepsid again, her stomach does not hurt any more. We couldn't figure out where that meds got lost in her travels as she had been on it for years but not n the NH

I am so glad she is taking this interest in mother and hopefully between these "fixes" mother will be doing better,

To me this sounds somewhat like an end of life rally, except that the dr says she could go on for years yet. I guess time will tell.

Golden, I’m happy you have this aid taking an interest in your mom. Being able to eat is more tasty than puréed. My nephew said he’s pretty sure they are moving my brother tomorrow.

Glad, lol!, yes I’ll cook and have the boys too! Dd is making the mashed potatoes and green beans so I really only have to do the stuffing and the turkey.

Frazz, yes, there were times I wanted run away when my mom was still at home.

You know I'm seriously thinking about skipping Christmas with my family altogether this year. Someone on another thread, I can't remember which one said something that resonated with me. How she was hoping for some sign that her mother cared and loved her right up to the day her mom died. She was looking for that morsel of affection to sustain her. I thought about that and I think every time I get together with my family I leave the gathering extremely depressed and out of sorts. It sometimes lasts for days. I think I'm always hoping this will be the year that I feel "okay" about things. But I've finally figured it out. I need to detach from my family and be "okay" with that. They are never going to give me what I need. I have to have that inside me already.

It's not even their fault. It's just the family dynamics I grew up with and I'm sure I contribute to it in my own way. I'm certainly not perfect although I do believe I'm more evolved than most of my siblings and they may never catch up. I'm not going to wait for that or expect it anymore. It's too disappointing.

I haven't decided for sure cause spending time with my spouse's family brings it's own kind of dramas and I'm sure he will want to spend it at one or the other or lord forbid, both. Oh, the horror...................!P

Gershun, you sound like you're figuring out what you need for yourself despite the situation. That's great. It's never a happy thing to need to detach (geographically, too) from family, but it is what it is. I left out of my family's area when I was still in early 20s... and caregiving to my dad affirmed what my gut already knew: I'm better off keeping a distance. It's not that I don't love them. Of course I do very much and that has nothing to do with it. It's that they bum me out. And sure, some part is my own doing. Let's say, for example's sake, that ALL of it is my own doing. How does that change the fact that every single time I'm around them for any length of time, hurtful things happen..? At some point, you just want to stop banging your head on that wall. It's tough and you have my sympathy.

Hi all!! I am trying to catch up. I may have went back too far.

Golden, I am so happy about your mother. I beleive that nurse or aide is an angel sent to alleviate your concerms. I dont think it is a conincidence that a person takes so much time and interest in a busy health care facility.

Gershun, I hope whatever you decide works out well. To be honest I miss the family gathering, because all I did was out of love and in a spirit of happiness. Not knowing the jealousy and ugly that was stirring.

I am so happy now, I dont know how to say it. I know I could never sit down with my sister and nephews ever again as a family forget the holidays! They were painful enough when I didnt have a clue. I wouldnt dare to think of such a gathering now.

Sharyn, I am also happy for you, and glad your brother is moving to a new place.
I can picture you baking and cooking up a storm for your boys its a wonderful feeling. Your plans sound beautiful.

Glad, sounds like you may be cooking up a storm also. I figuring you are going to bless you new home with a lovely meal. In any case enjoy!!

Barbs, I did not get to read article but will check it out, your links are always on point and interesting.

I hope everyone is handling the stress of this this Holiday Season., I hope its wonderful and happy and pleasant for everyone!

Golden, may or may not be a rally for your mom. Great that someone thinks they have maybe figured out the dentures may be causing her pain and discomfort. Thinking of you, take care of you.

Duck, nope nothing close to cooking up a storm. Kitchen just gets presentable then I find more boxes to unpack. Then counter loaded up again. Even started decorating for Xmas a bit. Came across some things to put out. Was searching for the Xmas tablecloth that mom made for the kitchen table that I got. Was worried maybe ts1 didn't give it to me with other table linens. Even emailed her to ask if she gave it to me. Then VOILA there it was in a box. Hooray! Needs washing, but I can do that.

Gershun, my holidays have been strange since I started the caregiving seven years ago. Just have no desire to be with twisteds. And my kids seem to be all over the place. They try to all be in town every two years at the same time for holidays. When they aren't here, one is in Florida, one southern Colorado, and my oldest was South Dakota which won't be for her any more, in process of divorce. 😕 It has been hard for them for a number of years, both are type A personalities. It was hard to visit at their house.

Sharyn, hope the new place will work out better for your bro.

So to get to my dysfunction.

I am still strong in my new found detachment. A part of me still yearns for what I thought was a loving family, especially in this holiday season.

I opened an electric bill disconnect notice. I immediately texted my nephew and communicate that I thought he was handleing the bills, are the property taxes her and in nc taken care of. doees he need help I can remind him.

Well he responded that I could pay it if I want to.

Meanwhile before I got that text I sent that I kjnow its a burden and he could set up automatic payme.

He sends Again, you can pay if you want, You can also set up automatic payments with your information to make it easisr. That would help.

Now, The last week when they took my mother to doctor and I stress a little before I figured it out. When they came back and I was leaving I noted my sister turn a way with what I though was a smile. So I just assumed she was smiling know I had had an alarm and stress.

Now my nephew is in charge of my mothers accounts and he took over with her consent obiviously payment of bills thourgh her account. My mother's narcissism would not let in bill be in a name but hers. Once when I wass much younger in I payed an outstanding bill and when she found out she cursed me like I was the sscourge of the earth. I didnt understand and all I could say was con ed doesnt care whose money pays the bills, that was her control.

I expected this type issp like hisue to come up after my mother passed if I lieved to see it.
Lights go off no heat, no light for entire house .

So I know I was a tad harsh and maybe should not have even responded in fact I was angry at my self for contacting him. it is obvious that his mother knows the bill is not payed this is since august and this includes the entire house.

Well I went on tto say its was obvious he was under duress or extreeme stress. or becoming a sick puppy like his mother feeding on his poison .
And he was highly mistaken to think I could be manipulated by any devius and spiteful manipulation and that God's justice will prevail.

I told him as I have said to him so many times to do the right thing. I have also said we can get togethr and try and fix up house and split the bills.

I already know my sister will not ever pay anything and it will get to going to court and having responsiblity to bills like heat and electireicrked out. and gas . The heat is gas.

So I am still in the same place of growth even if just for a moment my neck and head swelled at his response. If he is not paying the bills then he is not meetting his responsibity in handling my mohters accounts because that was the purpose of him handling them.
I think my chances of changing things legally are nil. there is no power of attorney because my mother would not knowingly give away any authority.
But I will not be manipulated in paying bills that involve my sister in any kind of way.

I text and told him I was still paying for the fridge that he and twisted didnt care to notice need replacement, That he nor she dont really care about her or we would not be at this place. They refusing to get her insure and and home care and that she deserves better. My mother has good health plan from work and medicare. Its crazy and sad. And yes I did flip my switch when I saw that response. The disconnect notice will be shown to lawyer also if I ever get a chance to see her. Anyway if the light go off that means he has not been doing his job in managing her accounts and bills. I dont know where this will go. But those lights will be off meaning no heat in the winter time which will be a case. And I am quite sure that my twisted is aware becuase this affects her as well.

Anyways I am out. Rays of love and peace to all. Sleep tight.

Some of the best holidays were spent on vacation with just my husband and I.

Some of the best holidays were spent on vacation with just my husband and I.

Sharynmarie,

I'm gathering that your brother is in a facility for his health conditions.
I do need to go back and catch up big time about what has been going on with everyone. Do try to, when I can get on hubby's computer, because mine is just not accessing lots of things about websites anymore. Need to upgrade, once I can afford it. Anyway, this must be a difficult situation for all of your family, and the fact his wife cannot stay there. But she probably needs a bit of time away also.

O.K., just wanted to say hello, and will be thinking of you and your family.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I think this would be helpful,I feel that a lot of the time no one ask the caregiver how are you doing because I don't think others are aware of what we are going through, I dont think this topic is something I feel comfortable talking about except to others that have or are going through it,personally I feel my self feeling physically ill when I approach my house, not knowing what to expect, and I actually feel sick

I think I have a game plan that will help me get through the visits coming up with my Dad. I will just assume he now has dementia...he doesn't. But he does have some age related illogical, and confused thoughts...coupled with his marginalizing me, and sometimes explosive personality...that he's always had. But, I now know I can't 'correct him' or change him...or win an argument. So, I will do as you do for those with Alzheimer's...or dementia...I will just agree...I won't argue, I won't care..it is what it is, and it won't change, and I can now let go, while still being there.
Wish me luck. I'm kind of looking forward to my new role.
I'll fill you in after Thanksgiving.
:)

Susan, I think there’s a similar way of interacting with people with cognitive challenges, whether it be dementia or just age related changes. You just adopt an attitude that much of it is little stuff that you let roll off you.

My mom and I have a prickly relationship, and her increased cognitive impairment really makes it a challenge. I’ve clued in DD and we’ll spend Thanksgiving refocusing her topic of conversation to the wonderful day of family together, isn’t the food delicious etc. I’m determined to keep from being pulled into her vortex of negativity, and not enjoying the day with my family. Attitude of gratitude.

Glad,

It's good to hear that you are settling into your new place.
I'd read a couple weeks ago, when you had that very unwelcome intruder lurking around your door; must have been super frightening!

Your post of Nov. 12th says a lot. I remember when you were still looking after your mom and her partner. You've come a long way since those days, and have become a wiser person for it. We should all follow your lead.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

DDDuck,

I really sense that you're in a very challenging situation with your family.
So apparently there is no power of attorney since your mom wants to remain the only authority in your family? This situation you have going on with your utilities being turned off sounds very bad. Aside from the meeting with this attorney, is there any possibility of having Department of Social Services getting involved?
I don't know where you live, but this could be a problem for both you and your mother if you're in the colder region of the country. Wouldn't want you getting sick.

Take care,
Thinking of you,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Linda 22,

I agree with you, that if one doesn't know or isn't aware that when dealing with negative people you just have to really focus on not giving in and allowing then to take you on the neg bus ride. I remember the days while my aunt, (mom's sis), was alive, she was the narcs of all narcs. It was the reason I ended up here on this thread. Once I realized that it wasn't going to get me anywhere to react to her stupidity, and especially during holidays it's always rough to be around this energy. The food, cheer & even decorations are a good distractor.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, this could turn into a bad situation. I am so tired of my sister and nephew feeling and acting as if I am not entitled or have the same rights.
Just like my mother they will cut off their nose to spite their face.

The electric bill last payment was in august the same month I rerturned from my trip. What they dont realize is that my sister as her health care proxy and him in charge of her bills are both setting themselves up for questioning. When he has been paying the bills this long and stops why. Then the fact of no heat that is neglect and danger especially for my mother. If this happens then I will have to call APS report it and that he knowingly let that happen and of course my sister being in charge of care allowed same.

I have no problem with paying anything but I am fed up with being used all my life in this same spirit. My sister once told me I was supposed to look out for them because I had the money.

It hurts me becuse I am still in the process of accepting who these people really are and who they seem to think they are wielding this self given power and authority and so strong in being wrong.

They were counting on me feeding into it but what this will hopefully do is expose them and help with finally getting so decent service for my mother. The envy, spite and jealousy and so much other nonsense has blinded them to their true responsibilities. Their only ammunition is blame.

I so truly appreciate your suggestion and I will look into it. I need all the help I can get because these two are magnificent in constructing blame and fault and making it pristine no matter how utterly ridiculous it really is. It angers me, I want to lash out, I want them to see their wrong. I want them to change. Its frustrating becasuse there is nothing I can do. But now with this, I see it as rope to hang themselves. But with people like this they will be hanging and still blame me. because they can see no wrong in themselves.

I have spent my whole life catering to my mother my sister her sons, my own child. Getting blamed for every hardship or scratch and being used in any and every kind of way. When I didnt have they kicked me and loved it. I actually felt compelled to tell my mother I m not going to always be like this. I not going to be down forever. Those were some of my worst memories and moments realizeing who my mothr and sister were and the farce of love and family I thought I had. I have always wondered what happened to divine justice. Then everynow and then I would get just a glimpse and its so awesome to see. I hate to say it but I would love and cant wait to see it again with them.

Duck, I would not consider paying the electric bill of any others. Once you do, it will be your responsibility there after. Your nephew is supposed to pay out of your mom’s accounts, leave it in his hands and don’t mention it to him again. If the power gets turned off, report it to APS.

Thank you, Margeaux. It is always great to hear from you.

Duck, you need to figure out a way to get the heck out of there!

Duck, by what authority is nephew in charge of paying bills? With whose funds? Your mother's?

Do you, your sister or nephew pay rent? Do you have leases?

Whose name is on the deed to the house?

Whose name is on the Electric/ Gas/ utility account?

Are the property taxes being paid? By whom?

Duck, you seem to get caught up in the dysfunction/ lack of love/getting off a smart line to other family members. You wrote that there were unpaid property taxes back in the summer, and you didn't answer our queries about what was being done about that.

I too don't want you to pay any of these bills out of your funds. But you need to clarify, at least in your own head, whose responsibility those bills are.

Hi all I appreciate the feedback.

Barb, The utility bills are in my mothers name. On all floors. And neither one of pays rent. Which I why will try to keep house up and have noprolem with doing anything in the house.

There are no leases and the deed only has my mother. I just picked it up a few weeks ago.

When my nephew started taking my mother to the bank to ( I had beendoing it preiiously) I guess he just gotl permission to pay bills.

This has always been the situation. Which is why I had no problem buying groceries, supplies appliances as needed. Il would go all out for holidays. take boys and sister on weeend trips, disney world. And drive family south for funnerals or events and foot the bills. I always feltthat wasmy way of jpaying rent.

I took a lot of abuse becuaseof mydecision to stay there ovvver the years when I could have invested in my own.

The property taxes in new york are paid. the ones in NC the last I checkedwere not paid. (Please excusetpos i have a sticky keyboard. someone spilt something on key board and theyare sticking)

Once I was out the house my mpother started in on my nephew accusing him of selling drugs, using drugs etc... He was a police officer and I told him not to waste his life and freedom thinking it was a good deal. To move out and get his own dont make my mistake. Where bythe time I left I didnt have much of anything but a car. A few investments which I cashed in and got taxed heavily
This was when we were on good terms. I went through It as an RN in charge all this authrity on the job and I came home to get beat down bad. This is why I have so much pain and issues and it really scared me it took so long to see who my mother and tweisted were.

If anyone needed anything it was ask dummy.
So the thing is I suspect envy, and plotting to get me to pay. Its no coincidence that the electric was not paid since August when I returned from korea arouund the second.

This is why I was reluctant to leave. I have a very large taxx bill state and federal which I am making slow process on. With what is left I save some, and by groceries do needed repairs, supplies, etc. Wigs for my mother, linenes what ever I see she needs. Meanwhile my sister does clost to nothing. She was using my condiments freely, i buy 3 lawrys salt one is missing. Same with cooking oil. And anything else. anything she needs down there she takes. I dont have cable and watch certain shows while I am downstairs. If they could cut off the service they would.

When my mother was lucid she would just turn off the tv if I was watching it while I mopped and cooked food. When I dint have a phone I could not use hers I went to corner. Now they have these free kiosk like things with free wifi.

So I know I tend to babble and thanks for bearing with me.
Nephew has no authurity except to pay bills. Bills in my mothers names. She had tenant who was a friend of mine. No problem with rent but he moved out when my moter started stressing him to switch electric to her name. she was very controling that way, so I know she did not give any of her power away with a power of attorney to anyone.

I believe she would tell twisted and nephew twisted lies to get them to do things when I started refusing becuase of lies and accusations of stealing. I am a lot of things but not a thief. She would hold mail from my lawyer with wtc saying I was trying to take the house. Said I was trying to have her committed so I could take the house and take over.

Both of them know how much abuse I have taken from my mother and at one point it was amazing to see how the entire systematic ugliness was being repeated. It tore me apart to the core when I realized the truth and had to face it.

Just thinking of these things gives me flashbacks of tears and saddness and bewilderment. It a lot of stuff I dont even speak on. Once my sister gave3 me a memory she had and It shocked me that I had forgotten it.

But as horrible as my mother was at times, she did not ever desert us for anyone or anything. Twice I played dead when she would start beating me. She wouldnt stop until I cried and those two times I had really had enough. Wanted to do something crazy like run away or turn bad. but afraid of the shame on the family.

I guess that is why this forum is here. I know there are so many with worse abuse and worse pain. sharing and reading post have helped me as well as good advice from wells meaning loving folk. And I love you all for that.

I think whatever happened to me came right on time because I think with the holiday and yearning for that imaginary dream family I have want I may have gotten sick or really broken. My pressure is getting down, still got those hip and heal issues they take turns :) But I am grateful that by the Grace of God I am in good health and spirits as this season comes in.

I am so happy I dont have to and am not pressured to be around people who hate my guts or who are using me in one way or another. (My mother and sister and her two sons) so thats a relief. I dont think they will ever do a holiday celebration among themselves and that is sad.

I am so happy for those of you who are prissing and prancing around the house making things beautiful and lovely for your loved ones.

And just in I am not back online before ThanksGiviving. I am wishing you all the best and rays of love, happiness and a wonderful moments with your family.

I appreciate any feedback, I'm out, rest easy.

Thank you for clarifying, Duck. So, what is your lawyer appointment for? Are you consulting with you WTC lawyer about something, or are you visiting an eldercare attorney about your mother? I think you need to carefully think through your questions.

In terms of finances ( penalties and taxes on investme T5s you cashed in), do you have any reliable source of financial advice?

One good, trusted resource is the Bogleheads Forum. Google it. It's a group of investors who subscribe to the methods of Jack Bogle, who started Vanguard, the investment firm that specializes in low cost Index Funds. You will find lots of good direction there.

Morning from he&& here...mom had an episode this morning where she was having a panic attack and high blood sugar, so the facility called the ambulance and called me. I came up there, she had her insulin (which she has been wanting to refuse) and something to eat and calmed down, and didn't end up going to the hospital thankfully. The PLAN was to go back and eat lunch with mom at the facility, then take her to a movie with us before dropping her back off later....but a few minutes after we got back, my husband's brother and wife and three kids showed up unannounced. They did this to us a couple of years ago at Christmas too.

My husband has told his brother to please give us a heads up because the past 3-4 years have been especially hectic. We had decided it was okay and that we would bring mom back here to eat before we all left for the movie. Well now his brother's wife is mad at us because we were obviously not that happy at first when they just showed up and about my husband telling his brother that we needed more notice (not rudely, just stating that we had made plans, but that we would adjust them), so they are wanting to turn around and leave, but he is outside trying to convince them now to stay. Arrgh...can I just go back to bed until tomorrow??

How old are the kids? If they are young I'd try to smooth things over for their sake, but otherwise - you show up unannounced on a holiday and are shocked and angry that someone has already made plans, seriously?