The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

The kids are 12, 10 and 21 months. My husband did go out there and try to smooth things over, but they left in a huff and his brother said that his wife has a relative about an hour from here that they would go stay with instead. His wife wouldn't even get out of the car after my husband's initial conversation with his brother even though I invited her in.

His brother had said to my husband, "Yeah, I know, I told her we needed to call, but she said she didn't want to because you all always have something going on." My husband said that was kind of the point, that we've had everything going on with mom that has made everything hectic. We also have a 20 year old daughter that doesn't live with us anymore that we went through a similar situation with for about 3 years prior to me becoming a caregiver to mom. She also has bipolar and schizoaffective disorder and our life was crazy from the time she first started showing symptoms at 16 until she just up and left last year. Mental illness has put us our family through the wringer.

His brother did say after all that by text that they would come back this evening and maybe stay the weekend. Not exactly how I'd planned things, but I don't want his family to feel unwelcome. Hubs said he thinks maybe they think we just don't want them here and are just using excuses. I said maybe I should bring mom here for the weekend so they can see what we deal with. Just shaking my head...

Frazzled, I would be if anything more annoyed at their taking offence even than I would be about their thinking you can turn up mob-handed at a relative's house without calling beforehand. It is absolutely absurd of them.

I mean, really, what did they expect? "Ooo what a WONDERFUL surprise!"? Idiots.

Hope all my US friends had a good Thanksgiving!

glad - mother is an anomaly. It's anyone's guess.

send - absolutely. I have spent some great holidays alone - fire on in the fireplace, music playing, candles on, some treats...and peace!

teelee- welcome. So true that unless you have walked this journey you don't have a clue what we go through. With your mother being so difficult sounds like you need to set some boundaries for your own good, (((((hugs))))

susan - the grey rock technique. Don't give them any ammunition. Just walk in on a different plane -a higher one, and don't take any of it personally, It really throws them off if you agree with them.

linda - good words.

margeaux -good to see you posting again

duck - it all sounds so complicated. Keep it simple as possible, and have as little interaction with the aggravating ones as possible.

fraz - I'll get back to you on that one, I am still burning. How dare they???? Manipulative creatures that they are... Keep your boundaries.

I shared American thanksgiving by buying a gluten free, dairy free pumpkin cheese cake. It is about 6 " across, so I defrosted it and cut it into 6 pieces (they recommended 4 or 5) and ate one piece. Quite nice, but rich. Then I noticed that it doesn't keep longer than 3 days on the frig, so later I ate another piece, Don't think I will do that again. I may have to toss some of it. That's OK. It was worth it. I can't remember the last time I had cheesecake, Of course it wasn't proper cheesecake being dairy free, but it was a good facsimile.

Everyone - be good to you.

Somehow there were two HUGE pumpkin pies at dinner. Way too much. They must have been 12" pies.

First time no real turkey, ex's wife bought smoked turkey at Costco. It was quite good but just didn't seem right. And of course no good smells of Turkey roasting. Ex's wife quite rude to him, kept interrupting him when he was trying to talk to me about something. He would look at me and just roll his eyes. Don't know how they are doing. Just kinda strange.

Dinner was about 12:30 so youngest grand could get home for her nap. Boy did she LOVE that smoked turkey so a good nap was in order, I think. Nice to have dinner so early, I was able to get back home before dark, about 4:30. If it had been much later I would have stayed at daughter's house, but really wanted to get home.

My contractor is coming tomorrow to take care of a few things, I will finally have bathroom mirrors and a disposal that will work. It kinda blew up the second time I turned it on. It sounded like metal in there and did not find anything. Contractor told me to go ahead and run it, I did and it seized the second time I turned it on. Dingy contractor, I told him so.

Hope all had a relaxing, well fed day and at least partially enjoyed those they spent time with.

Thanks for letting me vent earlier. Yes, I was livid about the fact that they got bent out of shape about us having prior plans that we couldn't just drop altogether just because they showed up without telling us.

But, I did start to feel bad earlier when my husband said his brother texted later that he and his wife were arguing and that they were going to head home. His brother wasn't upset and said he'd wanted to stay and did acknowledge that it probably would've been better had they called, and his wife was wanting to head back because she felt that they weren't welcome. My husband wasn't going to respond, but I could tell he was disappointed.

So, I texted his brother (didn't have his wife's cell number) and said to please let her know that we didn't mean they weren't welcome, just that if we had known they were coming we would've been able to plan to be present and able to visit with them and the kids (and the house wouldn't be a mess!) instead of being gone all day because of prior arrangements. I told him that they were welcome to come back and spend the weekend with us (by that time we were getting ready to head back home) but that if they couldn't, we understood and would see them next time.

After some back and forthing between them about whether they were going to go or stay, they decided they would come visit this evening and stay for the weekend after all. I decided to go ahead and make the best of things because we haven't gotten to visit my husband's family out of state this year (4 hours away) because of everything we've had going on with my mom, and I know hubs misses his family too.

I love and enjoy visiting with his family too, when it's not last minute under stressful circumstances, and when I can actually relax and enjoy the visit. The kids were all excited to see each other and his brother and wife don't seem upset anymore. I know they don't fully understand because they're not here and haven't lived what we have these past few years, and I honestly don't feel like we should have to defend or justify ourselves, but at the same time really don't want hard feelings between us and them.

Tomorrow we'll put up our Christmas tree and decorate, which has been our after Thanksgiving tradition these past few years. I know the kids will enjoy helping with that, and it'll be the first time we've done it with his family here. Praying we have a good time and no more drama this weekend.

I know by Monday I'll be ready for some downtime. I'm about to go to sleep, turkey and adrenaline tired me out today.

(((Hugs))) everyone, have a good night.

Yay! I love happy endings! Well done for rising to the occasion, I hope the kids have a great time.

Do you think this might have arisen out of a prior dispute between BIL and wife that at first had nothing at all to do with the visit and then became... "You ring them." "No you ring them." "I thought you'd rung them." "You said you'd ring them." "It'll be fine, stop making such a fuss" etc etc etc

Don't give them any alcohol!!!

Well I wanted to try out my new tactic, of acting like my Dad has dementia so I wouldn't fight or fight back..a mature and fail proof plan. BUT on Tuesday, his Retirement Village place called me. He had passed out, in his apartment, and cracked his head open, and was acting as if he were having a mine seizure. So off to the Hospital he went...Long story on all the tests, etc...but bottom line: No bleeding on the brain from the fall (miracle considering the blood thinners he's on), and the reason for his fainting, seizures, whatever, were not brain related, but were heart related, and most probably due to many different, and some conflicting heart medications he was on. He;s on a heart monitor now.
He was finally released on Friday (today). My Thanksgiving was about the worst there was, with worry over him, wondering how bad his heart is, if he has a seizure disorder (doesn't), and being stuck at a lovely, but not fun, Retirement Community, with many many families sharing a beautiful, delicious , buffet dinner. Not me. Just couldn't make myself go to the Dining Room by myself for this festivity. So, for the day..my Dad sleeping in his hospital bed...and me..alone mostly..well..with my dog Thank God.
But as I checked him out of hospital, and his controlling nature returned, I FORGOT TO ACT LIKE HE HAD dementia (he doesn't), so I would fight or fight back. Oh well...next time, during a normal time, I will come prepared, to do my 'la de la..nothing bothers me, as he has dementia ' act. I leave tomorrow.

Susan, next time when not under such a stressful situation.

Contractor came by yesterday, adjusted some leaky doors and it has been so windy. Much quieter in here. And got the disposal unjammed. It was a flooring nail in there. And contractor, not subs, installed the flooring. He apologized.

Guys came and installed bathroom mirrors, finally!

Must get up, shower, look into finishing up with boxes. Have not found my sterling flatware yet. But first saturday coffee and gluten free egg pie.

Found! I was so concerned did not want to have to file police report, etc. Then dealing with insurance? Not something I need now.

Wait. What’d you find, Glad? I looked back but didn’t see but sounds like it’s a relief to you. Good.

Sterling flatware, I see it now. Reading on Mobile is so much more difficult to me.

I’ve still yet to uncover a couple things from my move but they’re relatively small items. But one of them is my 8oz sterling vintage Taxco necklace. I think I hid it from myself but I don’t remember WHERE.

New insight!

We internalize how our parents treated our emotional needs and that is how we respond emotionally to ourselves as adults.

Ali, it will turn up. I was starting to wonder if it ended up in a donation box after the fire and that long dreadful move which has now become a figment of my imagination. Loved being in a smaller town but the job was far from memorable or even the slightest bit satisfying, but served its purpose.

Our guests are still here...it's been an okay visit all in all, especially for an unplanned one...but now I've got some work ahead of me. I just found a live bed bug on the outside of one of their bags, which means I have to now vacuum and treat the entire house ASAP. So I'm kind of anxious for them to go so we can get started. :/

fraz - you have told them about the bed bug I presume!

Yes, they just left a few minutes ago, but I did let them know to be sure and wash and vacuum all of their things. I threw said bag in the dryer while they were here. They seemed freaked out about the bug as well, and after thinking about it, were thinking their son may have brought them from my husband's other sister's house. He spent the week at her house just prior to their coming here. She has had bed bug problems in the past, not sure about now or if she ever totally eradicated them...

UGH, Fraz, I wouldn't know the first thing about getting rid of bed bugs. I would call my son, no doubt. He worked for his FIL for awhile that had a bed bug eradication company. He would go around with these huge heaters to homes, etc. Can't remember how hot or how long the heaters would have to run, though. Just UGH!

Hi, I'm fairly new here, so bear with me. I posted earlier about my middle sister, and her antics, but Thanksgiving has been hard on our family this year. My oldest sister died in September and this was the first major holiday without her. She and I used to celebrate Halloween together, so I'd already gone through some of the grief, but my dad, who has Alzheimer's, was off all week. He has been acting like a pill leading up to Thanksgiving by doing things like not letting us know when he needed a toilet, messing with a new catheter that's been put in because he keeps getting bladder infections, he even slapped my hands one day. Thanksgiving day he kept asking where my oldest sister was. It was hard on him and my mom, but when he asked it in front of my brother-in-law, it was almost disastrous. He left early because of that.

Not to mention I spent the entire work week with an injury to my elbow that I re-inflamed at work today. I have a nice case of bursitis and my blood pressure is horrendous. I spent four hours in the ER waiting for the BP to go down so I could come home and enjoy my evening.

The bright spot has been that my kids and grandkids came out and had a grand time playing with our goats and raking leaves. Thanks for the vent time. I hope you don't mind.

Welcome, Tambra take care of you. Losing loved ones, especially children no matter their age is very difficult. Then add an elderly parent with dementia to the mix, very emotional for all. My mom would ask about her parents, of course long deceased, and a sister even longer deceased. Had to tell mom they were on vacation or something was the kindest way to go, though hard for me. Telling her the truth only started grief all over again. Only tried to explain their deaths to her a couple of times before I learned one of the most difficult lessons as a caregiver, just don't do that.

Greetings! I am not caught up but from what I have read it seems like for the most part the holidays went smooth.

Frazzled, I am also one of those people who like a call before you come unless you are a neighbor. I would always call my mother before I came by just so it wouldnt be a wasted visit.

Thank you all for the advice. I needed it and badly. It grounded me.

I made it through Thanksgiving, in fact had a lovely time at a church with my friend Tony. It was lovely, had some good laugh, a little dancing and lots of love was exchanged by everyone. I was glad I got out, I woke up early after a private party with southern comfort and my casino games. My spirit was moving me to get out and my body was southern comforted. I had a great time. I felt blessed. Felt good to set my mother up with a nice place and see her actually eat good.

Then the next day my ex called and I picked big foil pan full with everything. Everything was delicious home baked bread, pie, the works. I felt really blessed because it felt like the thanksgivings I tried to make only I was on the recieving end.

My mother seems to be more aware of things in some senses but still confused. I started feeling burnt out with her just before thanksgiving. When she doesnt eat I go on a mission to get her eating even if its following her arround as she goes through bags and wandering here and there. Its frustrating.I never know when this will happen an last week I just had to leave so I would be on time for work. meanwhile I am noting no other food being left except the dried toast and crakers my sister leave and that wasnt even there a few days. So I resoloved to stop stressing on this. When she doesnt eat those spoon feeds become crucial to keeping her going and sometimes I just dont have the time and I lose my patience. She needs a home attendant even if its a few days a week. I still have to revamp the bathroom from the work that was done. The sink has never drained properly and my mother always left a mess in it even before the dementia really set in. Then I had the nerve to buy that old tree so I have to get it up. Dang!!!!1

On way to work my first whole christmas song played in store. Noel. It bought tears to my eyes. It is one of the most beautiful times of the year when you havea family that is full of love and happiness. That sharing then getting that lovely snowfall that coats the trees. Just the pristine beauty of the snow. Anyway, although I hated christmas from a child. We always went south to my fathers family house which he bought for his grandmother. His mother died when he was a child but he had 13 or so aunts and uncles. The back porch would be loaded with cakes and pies. Especially that fruit cake which I was lured to eat by those pretty fruits and was sick with headache the next day. Oh it was fun having to go to bed so santa wouldnt throw salt in our eyes and lay there listening to the sounds of adults drinking, playing music and laughing. On the surface it was wonderful.

So anyway, I am still in a good place. Want to get my self together and my space together. Its frustrating.

My cousin is admitted in hospital with the lung and stomach cancer. she is always in and out. Sometimes I wonder what the doctors tell her about her diagnosis. Lately she has been worse and having chest pain. Coughing up blood last night admitted today. I have to make a way to get to see her this week.

So I hate to say it but I am scared, I dont want to lose anybody. I realize my own mortality and I am tired of this isolating crazy war with my sister. I realize that they may and probably do feel the same way about me. I just dont understand the denial and negligence of my mothers and then the eventual blame on me for everything.

I hope everyone find the things that are missing!! :). And I am glad no police reports had to be filed!!!

Anyways what ever you are doing to spruce up and have a lovely holiday, I am wishing you all the best from my heart.


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Oh its cyber Monday so I am going to see if I can find some deals on the things I need to order. To make my tax situation worse!!!! the job stopped taking out taxes like we are independent contractors. This is horrible and contributes to my demise with the taxes. It looks like extra money. The last agency didn't take out taxes and I had the nerve when filling to say I wanted to pay the medicare tax which I didn't have to do. Thought it would be best in the benefits arena. But it was crazy.

Book, I will be checking out the boogleheads forum thanks!!

I made a lot of mistakes in and with my life, I am trying to correct on them, start a new leaf. So I am keeping hope alive.

Rays of love peace and happiness to all!~! Good night. Sleep Tight.

Thanks for your encouragement DDDuck...appreciate that so much...Big Hug
I feel like I live on an island sometimes .... glad to find out I am not alone in this....
Wishing all of you the gifts of peace and joy and love during the holidays.

Just wanted to respond to the person who was throwing out the cheese cake... You can freeze it....I eat frozen cheese cake in the summer months it is so good...but anyway if you can freeze it ...it lasts a long time....and it doesn't taste like it was ever frozen...

Finally had a break through with my sibling.

Dad went to her house for a couple of weeks. Making Thanksgiving dinner he made comments on how her pies were dry and "are you going to take them that way?......., or "Its not like moms pie", or "the stuffing isnt the way mom made it".... as she was searching for the adderall for him or her my nephew and niece were livid at his comments. So I let her vent than told her that is what I deal with all the time. Then we got into some of the other meat of the matter and she kept saying "I never knew that". It was an hour and a half on the phone. We have never talked like that. She actually listened and now knows a little of what I have to deal with. Hopefully we can keep the conversation going. I told her I need a week in April for vacation and 2 weeks this summer so we will corrdinate getting him somewhere.
She has her sister in law to deal with as well (bi-polar) but still this is our problem. Hopefully this will help.

TG, THAT is amazing! I'm so happy for you!

Cmag, I liked your "new insight" comment. I've long realized that I talk to myself in the type of language and constant criticism that I was used to while growing up. It's strange for me, though, because I'm aware of it but haven't completely stopped doing that. You'd think being aware would be enough to not do something you don't want to do. But... I think that some patterns of behavior are just that ingrained. What it would take to mostly stop the internal dialogue in *that voice* would probably be some cognitive behavioral therapy.

Edit: technology, specifically the wifi at work, is not my friend today. I tried to post this a few times, then just shut the browser window. I see it did post, good. I'm surprised it didn't post a couple of times. lol

AliBoBali,

Yes and the book, Running On Empty Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.

My mom was great at deflating my accomplishments as a child and later on. She would never say good job, I am proud of you. Instead she would always say, don't let this go to your head. Thus, when I accomplish something. I hear that voice in my head and can't get excited about what I did. The same is true when my boys accomplish something.

I am working on this with my therapist.

Dad is coming home after his 2 week vacation. The house has been clean, no issues with cleaning the bathroom floor constantly, the laundry room bathroom door has been open all week with no games of keeping it closed while we are trying to dry clothes. Gates have been down since his dog passed and I can freely move around my house without jumping over baby gates (no baby). The house smells clean. with no old spice doused on to cover non showering and quiet (no cranked up TV with bleeping all day). I guess it all comes to an end. It has been nice to talk with my wife at dinner and not have stories or have what we say blabbed all over town and the country. Oh well....... I guess I have been selfish.....

TG, why do you keep doing that to yourself? Calling yourself selfish, even if it was meant to be tongue in cheek, is the internal message that keeps you from moving forward with setting health boundaries in your life.

Holiday time - time for dysfunction levels to ratched up. EVERY year we get the guilt-tripping because we will drive the six hours to visit my mom BEFORE or AFTER Christmas Day but NOT ON the day itself. Our young son loves opening presents, then Christmas Day Mass, then board games, and snowy walks vs sitting in a car all day for a three hour visit. Yesterday I got the "I might as well just die now" to which I said nothing - just let her vent, finally "I love you, gotta go" and was accused of being unfeeling. I am  unfeeling - this happens every year and has been for eight years. When my son was two, we were driving the long drive back during a snow storm - he was squalling in the back, my husband and I were sniping and each other and we decided - no more. Christmas needs to mean more than sitting in a car. I am so used to it that I have a hard time caring. She refuses to see us this year on any day but Dec 25th and vents that she will spend Christmas Day all alone, as usual. Makes me want to hibernate until January 2.

Also, my dad died about a month ago, so my mom is insisting that I no longer need to see my stepmom (who I adore and has been with our family nearly 30 years - met dad years after the divorce). I don't lie to my mom - I told her that stepmom was planning a get together with my stepbrothers and family on the 15th and that we would be going. Did she want us to stop by and see her since we would be in the same town? Fireworks (crying and yelling) that we would still see stepmom to which I replied "whether we see her or not, that is our business. All you need to tell us is should we see you when we are in town?" to which she told me to F myself. I said "I love you, but you can't talk to me that way. Why don't we speak later" and hung up.

so yesterday got a letter in the mail from my mom - five pages - double sided = ten pages with underlining, capitalization, and exclamation points about what a chitty daughter I am yada yada yada. Well at least she got that off her chest. I'm not going to call her for awhile and just send a card for Christmas. I'm tired of dealing with this - 50 years -

Number 3 - my IN LAWS demand that we come and spend Christmas with them. We both live in areas that have snow and the connecting flight is in an airport that gets snow. We have never flown for Christmas WITHOUT getting stranded due to an issue with one of the three airports and winter. So we just don't travel over Christmas. They brow beat us about it every year and refuse to come our way for the same reasons, but because they are older - we are supposed to suck it up. My husband has said no - we'll come at Easter like we always do. They responded that if we take our annual trip in February to Palm Springs they will be upset. My husband told them that February is not Christmas and has nothing to do with coming for Easter. They hung up on him.

We go through this E V E R Y year. As soon as Thanksgiving is over - we know the next phone call will deal with mom and IN LAWs demands and manipulation. One reason I love my stepmom so much is that my dad also participated in the demands and manipulation and pouting about holidays and who goes where / when and who we are NOT supposed to see. When they started dating she told him to knock it off or he would just drive us away. He actually listened to her and would end a visit with "what time should we wrap up so you can stop by and see your mom" without any manipulation etc.

Anyway - I hope you all enjoy your holidays.

Kimber, I wish we could bookmark posts for reference, because your post would be so helpful to someone trying to learn how to set boundaries and keep them. I know this is frustrating and tiring to have to deal with this drama on both sides, but you are doing a terrific job disengaging, protecting your own family and doing it with respect to boot. Your stepmom gave your dad very wise advice and it paid off well for them. BTW, from stepmoms everywhere, thank you for cherishing your bonus parent and nurturing that relationship.