The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Black Hole thanks for the advice. It was very helpful as usuall.

Golden, I hope you are feeling better. Maybe if its not over as of this posting you can join on a conference call during your mothers meeting.

Gershun, That was so beautiful about your brother. I had a cousin who meant the same to me. God sends us angels.

Frazzeled, I totally agree with you on cutting remarks. As I have gotten older I avoid that type of coward and have no problem maintianing that distance.

Ali, those remarks are taunting and hurtful to us. Its so sad our siblings can be so cruel. The thing is they know the how to trigger and what hurts. My sister when she made comment that I was just acting when my mother and I were having a normal exchange threw me into a rage in my heart. I dreamt about confronting her. I dont like confrontation. But after 2 dreams I had an opening to confront her about the nerve to think I had any respect for her thoughts, she raised her hand to hit me and it was on. She does that to me even as a child. I have learn3ed to keep my distance from her becusae of so much pent of anger and pain, and discouragement from her. I think you should do the same with your brother if that is all he has for you.

Brahr, Its so sad how one person ends up carrying the load. Then get resentement and blame to boot. Welcome on board, this is the place where you can find some solace and understanding in your pain. There are so many wise and understanding people on board here who have been through similar and or worse. This forum saved my sanity and my heart from breaking. Just knowing someone understands. Keep posting. Just venting helps.

Thanks all for bearing with my posts. I try to say so many different things at one time. I am always mostly in a runnig mode trying to get out of the way before my mother comes type mode of action.

Well the electric bill was paid the next day. I didnt even check until I saw the bills come in yesterday with two notices. I didnt open them, and I thought the other postcard like notices were for disconnection. I called the case manager, (this was yesterday) and she explained this may be a blessing in disquise, she hated to say, and mentions certain terms, which hit in a nutshell what I felt was going on. Stated that it was just call to call APS. And to call her this am. I didnt get her after two calls this happens a lot. But before I called I checked and the bill was paid.

So I had this brief vision of victory over spite and ugly. But no desire to rub it in or want control in any of my mothers care. Just glad I might get opportunity to get her proper services.

So they wisened up and payed bill. I see lawyer on 22nd if she does not cancel again. I will show her these things.

I feel like if the care proxy was revoked and I was in charge of finances and care, if feel like my nephew and sister actually stop the little they do out of spite.

I have started leaving things as they are so they can see that my mothers is not eating and what she does with food. I dont think it registers, I think all they can see is that she doesnt even want to eat the meals on wheels, not that she not eating.

Anyways, I am still in a good place. I got emotional and sad at the thought of the APS being called in even if it would have been an opportunity to get proper care for my mother. I honestly dont care to have sole responsiblity for her care or finances or anything. I dont want to be in charge I just wish she had better care and its frustrating to see her bounce off the walls, not eating, she is so into being busy that she doesnt care to eat. Then she takes what ever is in the fridge and makes platters, open and spill stuff all over. She was into arts and crafts since I can remember. so now she found a big container of purple glitter and its piles of glitter here and there in the living rooom hall and kitchen. She puts garbage in the freezer. Although I dont really get shocked it just does something to my heart and my mind when I see these things. Especially worse becaiuse no one cares enough to check what she does and blames what they dont understand on me

So I find my self getting short if only for a minute. It also seems like my mother is starting to accept some of her limitations becuase she listens to me at times. Then there is the problem about bathing. It bothers me, I cant force her to bathe. I try to tell her she needs to bathe in a nice way. Hopefully my twistet or nephew will get close enough long enough to notice.

I feel bad that I am not on more often. Last night I had to train someone over the whole shift so I couldnt get on. Its so hard to use phone for this. Forget the laptop, I dont even use it!!!

My cousin is back in the hospital. The tube they put in her chest for drainage was leaking. and she fell this morning. Sometimes I realize that these things and the issues with my mother and family stay on my head even when I dont think of it, I just want to cry sometimes.

Anyways, much love to you all. Rays of light peace and happiness and strength and health to you all. I'm out. sleep tight.

Dad is cooking dinner for his church group tonight should I be concerned for the people who eat his food? The last time he made food for us (the same chicken breast with walnut stuffing) was half cooked when served. I had to microwave it to get it completely cooked. He was cooking pretty regular for his lodge and they asked him to stop. I can only imagine what that reason was.
My kitchen is a disaster when he is done, he doesn't wash his hands so everything has to be decontaminated afterwards. He dosent wash his hands after the bathroom so I dont eat any of his food. I have told him repeatedly. The other night I mentioned to cut his chicken breasts in half as they are too much for people to eat. He likes to make everything bigger than life.
He had been a good cook before, That is where I got my cooking skills (my mother mostly). OK, so mom did all the prep and the cleanup and dad made a war zone out of the kitchen and left. He would do one or 2 dinners a year (OK just the meat). I learned to cook everything and prep first and clean as I go.......
He makes the same thing over and over. I guess I will leave my house today and comeback after he leaves so I can decon the house. Maybe take my wife out to diner first.
It was a nice 2 weeks with just the 2 of us.......

TG, bite the bullet and be sous-chef for the night. That way you can make small but important adjustments as you go along.

Tg, yes I would be concerned for anyone who would eat dad's food, especially if he doesn't wash hands after he uses the bathroom, not to mention the salmonella concerns with undercooked chicken. Would he understand if you told him politely your concerns (the handwashing, chicken not being fully cooked, etc) and maybe suggested buying deli or catered food instead?

DDDuck, I understand not wanting to cause conflict with your family, but being concerned about getting your mom proper services. There are, the way I understand it, sometimes state appointed guardians that can step in and manage care when there are family conflicts or when family is not able to provide adequate care. I'm not sure how the state-appointed thing works. I had thought about looking into that here for my mom because of all of the family drama and may still yet somewhere along the line. For now, I'm still staying the course as guardian and trying to make sure she is taken care of and work with her docs to manage her meds, but there may come a point where I can't any longer.

You might talk to the attorney and see if he/she thinks that might be an option in your mom's case.

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin being in the hospital. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Gershun- such a sweet tribute to your brother. He sounds like he was a very special, very talented man.

Golden - I'm glad you're feeling better and being good to yourself. A fireplace is nice and cozy during the winter, especially just curling up with a blanket and a good book.

Hope the conference call today goes well. Your mom sounds like a feisty lady. You may be right about her perhaps wanting a dietary change she can't handle.

I'm thankful so far that I have not seen anymore bugs. I'm hoping our decontamination and vacuuming after they left kept us from getting an infestation. Just kind of holding my breath to make sure we are still bug free. Ugh, just the thought of those things gives me the creeps!

I'm not sure what SIL's deal was. It does seem kind of narcissistic to me that she got offended about my husband telling his brother he should have called first, and not even in a mean way just harried because we were getting ready to leave to go eat with mom.

I told my husband I could understand more if SIL and I were extremely close and maybe she thought as a friend that I was blowing her off, but although we've never had a problem and have always been polite and cordial, we aren't "besties" that talk all the time. Both of our families are pretty busy, and we live out of state so mainly see them at family gatherings, etc. We've known each other for several years, but more as acquantainces. It was just odd because she seemed more upset than my husband's brother at the fact that my husband said that about calling first.

No news really on the mom front. Talked to her the other day and she was a little confused thinking her Dat scan (the test the neurologist ordered to scan for Parkinsons) was that day. I reminded her that we had needed to reschedule. (They had told us this last week.) Something about an isotope that was needed for the test that hasn't been shipped in yet, so that will be next week. Otherwise, she seemed calm and was with the nurse getting her insulin and meds when I talked to her. Still not wanting to get out or participate much. She was for awhile and then stopped. I'm hoping she will find something she enjoys and maybe start back to doing that.

But, the isolating is something she has struggled with for years because of the paranoia. Even at her home when she lived alone, for a long time she would refuse to go anywhere alone or at all, and would sit in a dim house with the blinds closed (and wonder why she felt depressed! ), despite my efforts to get her to go to the local senior center, or to church or to ladies groups there, whereas in her younger days she would go a lot. Mental illness and dementia are both horrible.

TG; Not sure what to tell you about tonight's event ; can you contact the organizer and ask if there is someone who can stand by as dad's helper in the kitchen?

At my place of worship, anyone who prepares food is required to wear food prep gloves.

Your dad clearly has some cognitive decline going on. Are you thinking about talking to his doctor about these concerns?

I'm feeling this weird mix of sadness and relief - the sale of my FIL's house is in process and is expected to close just before Christmas. They're buying it as is, so I don't have coordinate repairs to sewer line, likely roof and termite protection. It'll be good to have this off my plate and the inevitable family stuff that goes on when there's sibs and assets involved. But there's the sadness of our first holiday without Dad, and the finality of the sale. I love the holidays, but don't these darn holidays stir the emotions mightily!

Golden, how did the care conference go?

Thx duck I am better. Glad the utilities are being paid. Is your mum losing weight from not eating? Take care of you always.

tg - I agree that a phone call to the event organizer would have been a good idea. How did it go? Hope you and wife had a nice meal out, That's sort of making lemonade after being handed a lemon.

fraz - you are doing so well. Hope the financial (house?)stuff is getting sorted. If it gets too much you know you can step out. Glad that your mother has settled somewhat. I think the depression probably came before the dim light and closed blinds. Hopefully in time she will engage more in activities. Sounds like sil is a touchy person or was that day anyway - walking on eggshells around her is no fun. Has she always been like that? If not, maybe she is going through something. Yes, mother is feisty to say the least. Always has been. Indeed, a good book a fire and a blanket are awesome in the cold winter evenings we have here.

barb- having everyone wear food prep gloves probably should be mandatory in all such situations. It does sound like tg's dad is suffering some decline.

linda - bittersweet times. (((((hugs)))) The holidays always bring these feelings out more. Happy for you the house has been sold "as is" and it will close before Christmas, but as you say, it accentuates the loss of fil.

glad - the conference call went well in general - report below

It went well other than the lady who spoke first and longest with the most information about mother, her meds, and care plan was virtually unintelligible. R was on the other line - I need him there a someone who knows her history and has different questions than I do and as a another pair of ears. He could not understand much more than I could, But I have kept up with the nurses by phone so I have a pretty good idea of the meds she is on and her general routine. I could check the pharmacy bills when she was in AL to see what drugs she was on, but here they supply everything. They are trying another antidepressant and I am not sure if it is helping her much. I will call the nursing station in a while and find out. They are using a reclining wheel chair now which takes some of the pressure off her hips when she is up. That should help. Her stomach does not hurt any more since she has been put on meds for acid reflux. Also they have put her on an appetite stimulant. That is new. Her diet was re-evaluated and she can manage bread or toast with crust removed, and cut up unto small squares, and also sandwiches treated the same way. That gives her a little more variety. For activities she goes about once a week to musical events or church or hand massage type of thing.

Over all she is, as we have seen, sleeping more and eating less and there has been significant decline since the last meeting December 2017. They say they haven't seen her sleep as she did when I was there in that I couldn't wake her up, so I wonder what that was about, Her weight is down to 127 which at her age and height (about 5'2") is normal for her as she has sturdy bones and muscles. We will see over time if the weight loss continues. I expect it will with the decreased interest in eating. How the doc sees her living to 110 with this decline going on I have no idea. But her general organ systems are all working well. Mother is an ancient Viking sailing uncharted seas. That would please her.

Golden, I think sometimes the docs tell us what they think we want to hear, remember our doc told me mom was stable and doing well when to me it was obvious she was in decline.

I recall a nurse telling me that mom's " vitals" were fine 20 minutes before she died. I'm still confused by that.

I totally get why folks who are treated to info like that think that Hospice killed their loved one.

I guess dads food went OK, didn't bring any home. I tell him all the time to wash his hands especially when he is in the kitchen. My wife Clorox wipes everything down.

Tonight I made meatballs and sauce and pasta for them zucchini spaghetti for me (not too bad). He gets up to get his Ramona cheese from the fridge (we use param). So after dinner I am clearing and he puts a bag of coconut flakes on the counter from the table. I ask, "did you eat this"? He says "no, I ate Romano cheese", I ask a couple more times get the same response. As I am putting it away I said, "you put shredded coconut on you pasta" ..... he replies "Oh, I thought you made the sauce too sweet"...... yeah.... my fault.....

Before dinner he's talking with my sister on the phone and telling her the vet called to get the cremains of his dog and "its $275. and there goes his Christmas money".... hasn't said a word to me since I am the one who took the dog in...... oh well, guess he has to go and get the dog and pay for it. I was going to but since he wont tell me its his issue.

Monday he gets an MRI for his back again, he is in a lot of discomfort. Tells me he has to go to rehab..... "what does that mean"? I ask. Then after twenty questions he is going to PT a couple times a week next week.... he loves to crank up the drama!

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Country mouse, Ive been the sous chef for years and the valet and the chauffeur. Tired of doing it... Then it would be all up to me and the cleanup like mom used to do. Nope, not doing it. He loves when he can direct and tell people what to do..... nope, have 58 years if that under my belt.....

cw - they may or they may just not know. I had no sense that mother's dr was telling me what he thought I wanted to know. I let him know that mother was more than ready to go. I think it is more that she doesn't fit into the box he works in. He said he has nothing to compare her with. She is over 105 and has no significant diseases/conditions other than the vascular dementia. So he is guessing.

Her one serious condition is the vascular dementia, which, I believe, in itself can end her life. My father was the same, though he had had a few small strokes. His heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver were fine. He did have adult onset diabetes which was regulated in the NH. Eventually he went into Cheyne Stokes breathing which lasted for days before he passed. He had lost a little weight but not that much and was more articulate than mother is now.

IMO the vascular dementia, which obviously is progressing, will take mother -possibly the same way as my father went. She has never had a stroke or a heart attack or pneumona, but her brain function is being compromised continually. As she declines her immune system will decline too and make her more susceptible to infections. Personally I doubt she will make 110, but who knows. I hope we won't have any difficult end of life decisions to make, but I have been through that with my son so I know I can do it.

barb - that would be confusing unless she went with a sudden heart attack or stroke kind of thing, I see them as looking through the wrong end of a telescope so their field of view is very limited.

tg - good that it went well. Your dad does sound a little confused re the coconut instead of cheese. I am glad you are letting him pick up his own dog cremains and pay, It IS his issue.

Golden, I think your Mom's case is interesting. I've never known someone whose parent lived past 100. I sometimes think if they were to study centenarians they would find some specific gene. They probably do study this but maybe there are not enough of them to provide enough research material.

Sorry, don't mean to talk about your Mom impersonally. But it must be so weird at eighty years of age to still have a parent around. I used to pray that my Mom would outlive me. Ridiculous I know, but I couldn't ever imagine a life without her in it. I sometimes have to give my head a shake that she isn't alive. It still doesn't even seem real to me.

You know as far as prognoses go, I was given such differing info. by the different doctors I spoke to about my Mom that I felt like I was on the tip of an ice berg wondering would it melt,would it not. I still can't believe how unprofessionally the whole thing was handled. I know holding this resentment inside of me isn't good for me but I would still like to see justice done to one doctor in particular for his treatment of myself and my dear Mom.

Gershun - you are not the only one who finds her interesting, There are studies of extreme longevity - the blue zone for example. I have read that, in general ,genetics accounts for about 30% of longevity and lifestyle the rest. Certainly it seems to run in our family on both sides. Mother walked daily until a few years ago, she ate sensibly, and quit smoking in her 30's but had high blood pressure spikes when she was upset (which was often,) even though it was treated, I am amazed she never had a stroke, but no doubt it contributed to her VaD. No problem about being impersonal.

Weird is not the adjective I would use to describe how I feel about mother being still alive at my age. Tired would be closer to it. I didn't expect her to last this long and me to be still doing POA duties for the foreseeable future.. I understand you still not feeling real that your mum is gone.

I am sorry you didn't have better doctors, or doctors with better people skills. You and your mum deserved better. I hope you can let go of the resentment for your own sake. Mother's doctor is very nice, very pleasant to talk to, so I have no complaints in that area. However, I am not sure he is sharpest knife in the doctors' drawer. In the long run, for her, I doubt that will make much difference.

Sorry Golden, I guess weird was not the appropriate word to use to describe how you feel. Yes, I imagine you would be tired. You poor thing.

You are a marvel though Golden. Never forget that! Brave and strong as can be. ((((Hugs))))

Living so long. My grandma, more strong and stubborn Viking genes, lived to 101. She had Vascular dementia, much different than symptoms mom exhibited. Grandma was auntie dearest's responsibility as she was POA. So, let's see my mom would have been 75. Mom used to call her every Sunday to check on her and to just chat until it became just too difficult. Twisteds thought mom would live about as long, another sign of their denial as to how sick mom was, mom made it to 90 and she was just a figment, but that is generous, of whom she used to be. Such a long slow decline.

Golden, your mom is certainly an outlier.

TG, I had to put my dog down just over a year ago. Still miss her. Her cremation was only $100.00, relatively low cost of living here and did not want the cremains. Don't know what I would have done with them.

Cremains, funny story, MIL lost FIL's for quite a number of years, she talked about it and joked about it frequently and she knew they were around somewhere. But, eventually they were found after MIL passed when cleaning out her apartment. And she stayed with it until her very end.

Thinking of you all and your struggles and challenges, while I am still unpacking putting things away, then rearranging and moving stuff around. This may go on for years.

My ears pricked up yesterday evening when I was half-watching a tv programme about the lives and loves of farm animals in Wales; and they moved on to an item about sheep on Mount Snowdon.

These hardy flocks migrate to the highest pastures every spring, and once they're past a certain point on the route they all know their way to their own flocks' territories; there are no fences or fixed boundaries; and the knowledge is passed down from ewe to lamb, "l'dor v'dor" in Hebrew, from generation to generation.

The presenter went on to say that it is thought that it was the Viking invaders who started the tradition, back in the 8th and 9th centuries. 1200 years of trekking determinedly up and down the mountain to get the sweetest new grass.

I heard myself muttering to my knitting needles: "I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

I’ve been reading just not commenting. It’s been so cold here along with less day light and clouds, I’m dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I ordered a lamp specifically for SAD, so heres hoping it helps!

I hope everyone is faring well as winter officially approaches. To me it’s been winter for a month already, lol!

Sharyn, really hope the lamp helps. You might want to try more exercise, play more music, try to do more of what you enjoy. Thinking of you.

It has been cold and gets dark so early. At least I am one of those that enjoys winter, though not as much as I used to.

I wonder if anyone can comment on the problems felt at present by my two sisters and I, all in our 70s. Our single mother was a strong woman who was competent and rather blunt, and raised us to be the same. The three of us now have at least one adult child in their 40s who is angry, critical, not speaking, dealing out comments like ‘abusive’ and ‘mental health problems’, and generally making their mother very unhappy. None of them has done as well as we have, one way or another. None of us are putting them down. Each sister is at a loss to understand why or what to do about it. My current guess is that the difficult offspring resented our competence but had nothing coherent to rebel about. I can throw ‘narcissism’ about – it is clearly all about ‘me’- but that doesn’t say what to do to mend the breaches. We have trouble apologising for things that have never been made clear. Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated.

What, you have one child like this *each*? Or it's just the one child of one of the three of you?

What are the circumstances of the child? Married, single, divorced; any recent events or new relationships or breakdowns thereof?

I count myself undeservedly lucky that my 30something son hasn't stabbed me through the heart, when I think of how hard I was on him.

But when you have a very angry child and no idea what part you can have played in how s/he's feeling, it is torment. You're only as happy as your unhappiest child, don't they say.

Oldest sister’s problems are with 2 of 2 sons, me with 1 of 2 daughters, youngest sister with 1 son and 1 of 2 daughters. Unmarried are 1 of oldest and 1 daughter of youngest, others married, no recent personal traumas. Thank you for answering, it’s taken me a long time to get this out and any sympathy is appreciated. It seems bizarre.

Oh *dear*.

"A mother's place is in the wrong." Can't remember where I saw that, probably on a t-shirt. Very funny. Until it's you.

Well, they're probably reading too many articles. Or not enough of the right articles. It seems improbable that five out of six offspring of three households would have suffered abuse as defined, for example, by the Tavistock Clinic.

But then again, "how defined" is the question, isn't it?

You don't have to apologise for wrongdoing, especially if it's so nebulous you're not clear what you've done. In fact, I can't see how you would do that and not lay yourself open to further accusations of hypocrisy on the one hand or sarcasm on the other. But you can tell them, and I imagine with complete sincerity, that you are very sorry that they are hurt and you would love to understand what they're thinking.

Doesn't work for me, I have to admit. I definitely do have things to apologise for, but when I try they make excuses for me. So either they've already secretly burned me in effigy and got over it, or they're a lot more mature than I ever was, or I can look forward to a meltdown in a few years' time.

Margaret, adult children are hard to figure. I have had some problems with my oldest, on and off, nearly all her life. She misinterprets things I say sometimes. Went 6 months when I was caring for mom and did not speak to her. All because she was believing (I think) some of the crazy stories ts1 was telling her. And at that point dd seemed to be siding with the twisteds. I don't get it at all and it seems to have blown over now. I was so hurt by twisteds actions and what they were saying I was looking for validation, I think, from my kids. They felt I was trying to place them in the middle of the dysfunction. Maybe that was the result, but not my motive.

When our kids are grown they have their own ideas and lives. We have to be very careful what we say and do. Don't know what to say other than that. But it does happen a lot. I just had to learn to let it go, and not stew over it, as that would do nothing than to cause me lost sleep and additional stress. There really is no explanation for it. They are who they are. You have to be willing to accept what they offer.

You have my sympathy, and empathy. I have a 20-year old daughter who is not speaking to me or hubs either. She does have mental health issues, and began acting out at 16 after having previously been a good student and a good kid. But way more than normal teenage rebellion. WAY more. I still have trouble wrapping my head around why. Her illness and the chemical imbalance have been explained to me, and hereditary issues (my mother has some of the same issues), but those fail to explain it for me adequately. It feels almost like mourning a child who is still alive, in a way.

I know I was young, naive and immature when I had her with no parental experience whatsoever (she's my firstborn), and have things I have had to answer and apologize for (and have done so), but I don't understand her mindset. I do know in my family I have narcissistic relatives who are willing to enable her irresponsible decisions, whereas husband and I are not. That's a whole other story in itself.

As far as how to resolve it, I wish I had a better answer for the both of us. First, I would say reach out and see if you could maybe meet up and talk about things to try and understand why she feels as she does. That may or may not be helpful. My daughter is all about getting her way right now, and hanging out with those who enable her, and really doesn't have anything to say to those of us who don't.

It may come down to just having to let go for the time being. I believe in prayer, and I do pray almost every day for my daughter. Whether it ever changes my daughter's life, pouring my heart out to God has helped ME to find a measure of healing and peace in it all. Talking it over with my therapist has too.

Hugs, I know it is hard when your own child turns on you, and you don't understand it at all. Like my husband's mom says about parenthood (she is Mexican and he said she used this figure of speech a lot), "You raise crows to claw your eyes out." Sometimes that's very true.

😂I went to Amazon to see if there was a "Love Bombing" - Oliver James' technique - equivalent for over 18s. Didn't find that, but did see this wonderful review...

Bradyboo
1.0 out of 5 stars
11 March 2017
Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
I ordered this book and instead of Love Bombing arriving, I received a Henry the Hoover bag. Whilst this was a delightful surprise, I do not think that Henry and the vacuuming of dust mites will help my relationship with my son. Although it could help him to start taking responsibility household tasks.

Offer to go to therapy with them. It's a real opportunity to expllicate you side of the situation.

Children experience life in their own magical terms. At the time, they can have no conception of the do financial, sexual and societal constraints that might have been in place at the time.

I found goo g to therapy sessions with one of my kids to be a very belong and air clearing experience.

I have a friend whose daughter refuses to do same. It's very sad when a child wants to hold on to their own mis_construction of their childhod.

Well just got a call from the NH and mother has stopped eating and drinking and the doctor says just to keep her comfortable. So I will fly down tomorrow and hope I get there in time.

I have mixed feelings, but we all know it will be a release for her. I will stay as long as I need to in order to look after everything.

Be in touch later -