The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Traveling mercies, Golden.

Take good care Golden.

Barb, I got my daughter to go with counselling with me, 18 months ago. The one thing agreed on is that it was a disaster. The counsellor encouraged us both to tell each other our problems, and then just left us with it. My daughter's only indication of my shortcomings was that I have become 'coarse and crude' since moving to the country (and it's hard to ignore animal behaviour on a farm). My only previous experience with a counsellor was an equally disastrous marriage guidance session long ago, so I’m not anxious to try again. I’m sure that some professionals would have to be better, but trial and error is a painful way to search.

Golden, sad but inevitable about your mother. My heart skipped a beat (okay, I gasped) when I read your news about your mom no longer eating/drinking. I immediately thought of my mom. I'm really glad that your mom is already in facility to help keep her comfort to the end of her journey... Safe travel .. And take care... Hope your FM doesn't flare badly at this stressful time. {{{ HUGS }}}

Ahh, Golden. Thinking of you and family. Thinking back you thought she would pass a year and a half ago and she kept going. She is that strong Viking stock. Safe travels and take care of yourself. Hoping all goes as well as it possibly can. You have done a great job for your mom. (((HUGS)))!!!

Thinking of you Golden, try to fill your heart and mind with strength and calmness. This too shall pass...

Hugs, Golden, thinking of you and your mom. Have a safe trip, and prayers for peace and comfort as you and your mom walk through this, whatever the journey may look like. You have done a great job of looking after her.

Golden, my thoughts and prayers including safe travels. Take care of yourself too!

Stay safe on your trip Golden, and my good thoughts and wishes are with you both

Golden and friends, I apologise for letting my own troubles stop me from expressing my sympathy for your loss. I hope that things are going as well as possible at this very difficult time for you.

Hi All!.

Golden, (((((HUGS))))),

Good News!? I saw my pulmonary specialist on Thursday. I have had issues with my lungs since I went to the world trade center to volunteer in 2001. I thought I would console, save lives or just help people it was ominous no patients and less than a month later I started coughing and I have been coughing ever since. So when I got in this wtc health program I had lung scan, that showed two nodules and early signs of emphysema. My cough was so bad in the beginning that I almost. Anytways not to dabbble babble.but the second scan shows no emphysema and one nodule. I shed tears of joy. Of course the Dr. says emphysema does not reverse and scan was probably misread. I am leaning towards being healed. I have been taking NAC for 4 years and I noticed the gradual improvement in my cough and decreased duration period when I get congestion from a cold or other triggers.

So I tried to get my cousin to take it. I wish I could have convinced her to take it. She was in hospital two weeks ago for fluid accumulting in lungs. Now she is in ICU on respirator. She called me a couple of times to speak with doctor on speaker phone about a treatment for high potassium, insulin and dextrose and then my aunt call me tonight to call hospital after they called before they intubated her. I am feeling some kind of way. I feel frozen, stuck. I remember so clearly when she was a baby and how I would sit and hold her and read to her. Her mother( who was my aunt) and I were very very close, She passed away in 1999. Sham is only 41, she has been through so much. Please keep her in your prayers.

So it felt funny to be included in Shams care but not in my own mothers care.

Then on top of that, I have kind of stopped stressing so much with the house keeping. Not doing as much in a spirit that if they feel something should be done they can do. I guess my nephew did read and contemplate my texts because he swept the first floor. I was on my way to doctor, left my phone and returned to get it. He was sweeping when I left. But its just like with his mother, It could be a one time thing. In any case It helps and its sad and I am not impressed as its something I dont think he did much of when he was living in the house. Same as his mother.

Then my mother smells. I have been trying to get her to bath. It insults her no matter how nice I try to tell her she needs to bathe. Its almost like she is a homeless person though not that bad but on her way there. Its noticeable only when she moves a certain way and then it hits. In anycase the pants are hard with spills. So I am pissed that my sister who is in charge of her care is neglecting to address it. MY nephew also. So devoted but missing these signs that she needs help, We have vent heat and today before I left I caught her pooring coffee in the fresh air vent in floor of the hall.

I fed her good on my days off. But saturday when I came down after I had turned in because I forgot to buy cigarillos she had taken some things I had hidden out the freezer and made a mess.

I am sorry to hear about the issues some have posted about their children, Chemical imbalances and sometimes nutritional issues can cause problems. I wish you all patience wisdom and understanding as you work through this. Its hard. My cousin has same type issue with her oldest daughter. She kicked her in stomach in her late pregnancy with the second oldest girl. This same aunt bad talked her parenting. Sometimes I saw her the way I would see how my mother treated me and wondered if it was hereditary as two other cousins had same type issue. But then the daugher had other issues to. Who knows , I just think we have to pray in so many issues. and if we cant fix it then we have to learn how to live with it. Which is what I am trying to do with my twisted and her son and my mother.

I did make another lawyer apointment, objective get my mother home attendant and make sure the house does not go to the state.

Golden, prayers and huggs for all you are dealing with right now.

Today, my emotions related to my dad's death back on October 6 started again with the delivery of his ashes to my house by the postal service. When I read on the box the date of his cremation, I realized that the state of Maryland could have had these ashes to me for his memorial service in Ohio three weeks after his death near his home. Now, I must make another trip up there and it is frozen there already. I'm sure his only living sibling will want to attend the internment of my dad's ashes where his parents are buried with a military marker and the playing of taps. That will likely mean waiting until the spring for warmer weather. I'm not sure that my emotions can handle that long of a wait.

There are no heirs on the deed and I was told by social worker that house goes to state if there are no heirs.

My therapy is great. Therapist says he sees the growth. I notice it two.. I dont get so emotional or go from 1 -100 in a second. I just try to be thankful and sometimes I look back and it touches my heart when I think of the many angels and love God has put in my life.

I am still a lonely girl sometimes. Thes holidays make it worse. Thinking of years past, good moments and memories with loved ones. The little tree I got from the trift shop is looking better and better. Sometimes I regret even going there because its one more thing for me to stress about doing,
Went to check on insurances this week also becauese I am going to need. I need a thyroid biopsy and also my walking, knee and hip issues are not going anywhere or getting any better not to mention my blood pressure.. I may be paying more than 800 a month much more to get the services I need. The poor get tax credit and help and the rich can afford to pay outlandish prices. But what about us in the middle. Always left out to the range of benefits. Seems like the middle takes the slack of the poor and the rich. No offense meant to anyone okay. Sometimes it seems its better not to work, medicaid eligibility for housing etc......... But no way would I stop working even when I get old enough to retire God willing, I will work as long as I can.
Well, I'm out. Sleep tight and dont let the bed bugs bite.


Rays of love, light and peace to all.

Thx all.

Margaret - I am sorry for the rifts. I think it is not that uncommon. All I know is that today is another day and I can work on bettering relationships now, but I can't undo the past. My close and extended family is rife with personality disorder types and also some very nice people. It hurts when it is your kids. I gave been through seasons with each of mine but currently it's kind of live and let live with the difficulties (acceptance) and make the best of what we have, but with my sister, once mother is gone, I will cut that relationship off. If I were you, I would put a stop to the "abusive" and "mental health" statements in that either they come up with some constructive ways to deal things between you (name calling is not amongst them) or they shut up on that topic. I am sorry the counselling didn't work. It can be very helpful.

duck -so glad your lungs are better and therapy is going well. That is great news. Also that you have another appointment with the lawyer. Good luck with that.

cmag - waiting for that closure would be difficult. What distractions can you plan for yourself in the meanwhile?

I will post about mother and family separately.

Thank you all who have posted for your support. I really do appreciate it and it helps a lot.

When we went in yesterday the nurse said right away ""She recognizes you". There was a slight change of expression around her eyes. As I talked to her I felt she blinked a couple of times in response, Other than that she is completely motionless. They have hooked her up to an iv and are giving her oxygen through a nasal canula. She is off all meds other than what they are giving her for pain, They watch for discomfort by her facial expressions or body twitches and adjust meds according. She has a slight rattle when breathing and her breathing is somewhat shallow.

I am confident that they know what they are doing and that she is getting the best care possible.

I came back to the hotel to rest and also to connect with the kids about their feelings and needs about ceremony afterwards and will go into the NH later today again. I am tired and weepy and can feel that the fm discomfort is not far away. Generally I do better in the evenings and I may need to stay overnight with mother one of these days. Meanwhile I will do what I can within my limitations,

I have talked with each of my kids and they are fine with no ceremony here afterwards. As well, travelling for them is not the best right now so that lifts a load off me, There are a few people here who might come to a ceremony but they haven't contacted mother in a couple of years, so I don't feel any obligation to them. Mother wants to be cremated and buried in my father's plot in the cemetery local to our old home town in Ontario. We will have a service in the old church there when it is convenient for family and that is enough.

No question that this is her time. She is sailing away from this world in her longboat, sails catching the wind, with azure sky overhead. She will reach her Valhalla as she has fought many battles successfully and her blue eyes will sparkle again.

Take care all.

Golden, thank you so much for the update, I have thought of you often the last couple of days. Just know that I am thinking of you and family. (((HUGS)))

Golden, you asked, "What distractions can you plan for yourself in the meanwhile?"

I have no earthly idea.

((((((Golden)))))

Mother passed this afternoon. I was not there as I was having trouble getting a car rental, and even if I had gotten one I may not have driven as it rained this morning then it cooled and we got ice and fog.

Finally managed to rent a minivan for tomorrow to take care of what is in the NH and then we will go from there.

I have notified close family and have made arrangements with the funeral home/cremation place. The next few days will be busy looking after things, her stuff, notifying her financial people, her lawyer etc.

I have had a few tears and some sadness, but honestly it was her time to go, and I am delighted that she will be spending Christmas in heaven with my father and Gordie. My Christmas will probably be full of memories and plans for the future.

Mother never feared death, She took it as part of life and I never got any sense of dread from her - rather interest and curiosity in what was to come, Now she knows and her blue eyes are sparkling again.

Take care. We all will get there one day.

sorry to hear your news. I will be remembering you in my prayers.

All is as it should be, Golden. I'm glad your mother is at peace and was as pain free as could be at the end. Sending you hugs, wishing you all the energy that you need to accomplish everything for the memorials without tiring yourself out.

Hugs, Golden, you're right, she is at peace now. You did the very best for her, and I know it helped her to live a good, long life. Prayers for your strength, energy and peace. Take care and try and get some rest and stay warm between all the of the busy stuff over the next few days.

Golden, God Bless you! I'm so happy for your Mom that she is at peace now and so happy for you that you can now relax and be at peace knowing that your Mom is too.

Please stay with us after all is said and done. You are such a valuable member of this community.

(((Hugs))) Golden. It’s been a long journey and I’m relieved your mom went fast and peaceful. Yes, she has arrived in Valhalla!

You have much much to do with tying up your moms Trust, try to rest and take some time for yourself.

Golden I am so sorry for your loss.

My cousin passed on this morning. My aunt had called while I was enroute on train home. I called her back as I ordered breakfast for my mother and learned the hospital had called for family. I really didnt want to get back on the train for another 1.5 hour but my spirit would not sit with that. So I got my mother her breakfast and made it to the hospital. It was so sad to see the kids happy not realizing what this was about. My heart broke and I sobbed hard when I saw her. Then seeing the things medical people notice I was heartbroken because it was obvious the ca had ravaged her whole body in side. Later the doctor said she went into cardiac arrest about 730 and they got her back.

All the children, her husband, her sister and her son's father and inlaws were there as well as her best friends whom I have known since they were kids.

Another deacon came from church as I was about to leave and called everyone for prayer. Soon as the prayer finished she coded again.

There was a mild uproar as the children digested what was happening. The support from friends with the children was awesome. The husband hadnt slept for three nights and was really in a bad way. So the sister and her girlfriends arranged to take them back home with them so he could get some rest.

I was numb last night now i feel like I am in limbo.

One thing I have to share is a feeling of relief for her and the words no more pain, no more sorrow, no more worry. just keept playing in my head. I know she is at peace. Somewhere in heaven, with her mother and our grandmother just to mention a few.

The family has a long road ahead. The oldest is expecting and is due on the 30th.

I am just relieved for my Sham. She suffered and didnt let on how bad it had gotten. She fought the good fight, her work is done and now she is at peace.

Please keep the family in prayer.

Rays of love peace and wisdom to all.

Hugs, DDDuck, I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your cousin. Will definitely keep you and your family in prayer.

Golden my Dear Friend, I am sorry for your loss, but as you said, she was ready and lived a good life. I am so glad that you got to see her one last time, and that she didn't linger on or suffer.

I will be keeping you in my prayers in coming weeks ahead, and hoping that you make a conscious effort to stay healthy while you make plans for your Mother's memorials.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. HUGS, Love Stacey ❤❤❤

DDuck, so Sorry to hear about your Dear Cousin Shams passing. Such a shame to lose someone so young. I know that the coming days and weeks ahead will be sad ones for you, but do take solace that she is in a better place, Heaven.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in the days ahead. Take Care and HUGS, Stacey B ❤❤❤

Golden, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. She lived a good long life and helped so many for many years. You have done an excellent job caring for her for so long. Soon it is time for you to rest and do nothing but care for yourself. Start now. Great that the family is not feeling strongly about a service now. What you are planning makes sense. And she must have had quite the welcoming committee!

Duck sorry for the loss of your Sham. She is at rest now.

Golden and Duck so sorry for your losses.
You are both in my prayers.
Much love Dear Friends.