notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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glad - thx. I could only get an evening flight so I will spend hours at the airport, after seeing the lawyer, but that's ok. I will be on my way home!!!!😊😊😊
Chris, it is frustrating, in my family it was just that the boys were always right. Where are those boys now?
DDuck, sorry for your loss but glad it's leading to a reconnection in your family. That sweeping though!
Hi Everyone, so sorry that I have not been on here for some time and now I am barging in.
Golden - I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. I usually read all of the posts on here, but didn't get the chance to write back. So much has happened over the last few months, so I will go back and read all of them again. My husband turned 70 years old on Nov 2nd. He started coughing in October and went to the Doctors, had a chest X-ray, which came back as "clear." I wanted the Doctor to order a lung scan, because my husband has been a smoker for so long, but maybe he will on the next appointment. The good news is that my Husband has not smoked since October and he has an inhaler which seems to help. So we are thinking that his life-long allergies just got worse for some reason - in October - and that he now has asthma. He only coughs in the morning and at night which is typical of asthma. We also just found out that our oldest Daughter and her husband are getting a divorce. This is the Daughter who is very hard to figure out, and has been very nasty to me. She is the type of person who does not seem to have any empathy for other people. A perfect example is: Her Grandmother (my Mother) has been so good to her over the years, going shopping with my Daughter and her 2 children to buy all of their school clothes, winter jackets, and summer clothes too. My Mother can't go out shopping anymore, so she sent some money to my Daughter. My Daughter has not called her Grandmother for a long time. I think her attitude and behavior towards my Mother is inexcusable. So now I have realized that this Daughter is a lot like my Brother. Which brings me to Xmas time.
My Brother had not been in touch with me since July. He doesn't call, he texts me. So I just texted him and asked him what his plans are for Xmas and if he will be going to our Mother's house along with his 2 Sons. The oldest son is married and has a 2 year old. My Mother loves her Grandson's wife, and she adores their baby (her Great Grandson) and she really enjoys it when they visit her. My Brother never told me what his plans are but he did say his (second)Wife is in Florida, visiting her Daughter and Grandkids, and she might stay there all winter. I found out from my Mother that my Brother left yesterday for Florida, and he will also be there for Xmas Eve, but they plan to come home on Xmas Day. He told my Mother that they will go right to her house to eat. He asked her if she will be cooking all of his favorite food. Of course he knows that my Mother can't walk that well and is half blind too. I realized that my Brother is the type of person who makes sure that HIS Holiday will be fun and totally relaxing, he will not have to do any of the usual work that is involved in the Holidays. I now see how clever he is at arranging his Holidays, and expects my Mother and everyone else to do all the work. Of course, my Mother will not be able to cook for him. The whole situation is ridiculous. There is so much more to the situation, too much going on. My brother is trying to control how much my Mother spends on food, and he is upset that she gives our Cousin a little money for doing all of her errands. Our Cousin is the one who picks up my Mother's meds, and takes her to all of her Doctor appointments. (she lives close by). My Mother only wants our Cousin or my Brother to help her, and is still resistant to any outside help. But of course - I am still feeling very guilty for not living closer to her and not being there to do more. The guilty feelings never end. Anyway, I hope you all have the best Holidays possible. Thanks for letting me vent here.
Golden, hope if your are not home yet, that you are on your way and an uneventful flight!
east - thank you. Glad to hear your hub has quit smoking. Your bro is showing his true colours. and you dd is like him. Hope you can move away from the guilt feelings. You have done nothing to feel guilty about.
dj - sounds familiar - my mother raged her way though our lives. Your mum sounds like she craves attention. I know she is hard on you
Glad - hope you had fun. Managed to catch the early plane and was home about 4 pm. Yay!!
It feels so good to be home,The lawyer is very helpful. I will get a batch of documents to review soon. Then in January sometime I will have to go down and sign things. Meanwhile I will be in contact with mother's financial advisor re forms I have to fill out. Probate will take about 5 months as the courts are backed up.
Truthfully I feel as if a load has been lifted. I have had a few tears -some just due to fatigue. I do think quite a bit about mother - the last few years and also before but it is OK.
Another part of her gift was never having any fear or negative feelings about death. I remember many, many, many years ago when I was around 20 mother talked about death and said it was part of life. She had total acceptance then and through her life. No one including her wants to suffer with disease, but actual death and what lies after was an adventure to her. It is a good legacy.
Yes I had fun have not done anything close to that is almost eight years. Hard to believe. Still know how to talk to people.😉
Well, other than the security check. They found something on my computer. The immodium I took before the flight maybe. I said I am 81 I take a few drugs, They were very nice but I had a full body pat down, and they went through all my stiff with a fine tooth comb. and asked if I had checked luggage which I did. Then I remembered I had a baggie with some white powder in it in my suitcase which might have looked suspicious to them. It was borax (yes from the laundry room) that makes a very good hair cleanser and scalp treatment. Oh well. On arrival, I claimed my suitcase no problem and when I got home I looked in it and it was undisturbed. Another adventure has ended.
I am happy for you and me too.
Beat you to bed.
Remember that old commercial that went "Curlers in your hair!, Shame on You!"
Well Golden, we can change that to Borax in your hair for you. No shame involved though. :)
Lurk, lurk, lurk. *Waves at everyone.*
I'm reading some but don't feel I have much to add. I'm happy everyone is here and sharing and receiving support.
Golden, you're in my thoughts and I hope that everything's going reasonably well.
Borax for hair, really? I need a good clarifying shampoo once in awhile. I think something like that, a detergent, may work.
Good night, all. I was on my feet about 15 hours today. It's enough. zzzzzz
I also had no idea Borax works as a scalp treatment. I may have to try that.
skal 🍺
i love borax for laundry but would never think of it as a shampoo enhancer 💆
I havent caught up and just read this page.
Ali I am glad you are happily busy.
Gershun I hope you enjoyed your night out and I remember that "curlers in your hair" commercial. That was a nice flash back for me.
DJ its rough I hope you find a way to deal with situation with mom and not burn out.
'East, vent on. It help release the stress. That is what the forum is about. Saved my sanity.
My cousin had a beautiful service. It was difficult to see the slow understanding that they would not see their mother again. Its bad enough that it would hit me hard so I know they will have some rough times.
I rode in the limousine with half the children. I will explain later and one point one of the daughters said "she just left us." So I explained that she didnt want them to hurt knowing she was in pain. And I am sure in one way or another she will come to each of her children and make it okay. I can start to babble about that and my experience and things others have shared with me about the death of a loved one. But then it will be one of my famous books and I am going to try to avoid that.
I have lots of things to express about these past few days. One of the things was that my sister nor her two sons showed up for the wake, or the funneral or for any type of support. This was our first cousin, like the immediate family. Then she says she had to stay home with my mother. I was like "Wtf" this girl is off the chain with her lies and manipulation. The thing is that me and my sister grew up with our aunts. We slept together, ate, fought played. Sham was the first baby she was a big deal to us. And I would think you can let issues go when someone is dying or dies unless they have done something horrendous. So I feel a kind of way, embarrassed also for her and my nephews that they didnt have enough depth and understanding or what they meant to her. Or just that they dont care about anybody but themselves. Which I learned the hard way.
Still in all. I am amazed at her strengh. Afew cousins came up from out of town. I told you all how I broke down in the hopstial before she died when I saw her. Something just came over me. It hit me hard and I lost it. It was like I felt the depth of my love for her but had realized how much she meant. So I figure I am good since I got it out there. I was good but when I went to the wake and saw her first time as soon as the tears start to fall two of my cousins seemed like they ambushed me on each side in greeting. Made me smile and gather my self. I am the Godmother of one of their daughters. and later on we talked and she later told me how much I meant to Sham told me somethings that made me cry again and greatful that I did help ease her struggle just because of who I was to her and I ws so grateful to see that because what was happening to us was behind the lines and words in somekind of strange way. Then she asked me if I had seen her last facebook post and she had posted a picture of her as she was in this last stage. Obvious a way of saying goodbye to all. She was a glamour girl, alwayts fly and shopping and showing so that was deep. She left me out of that post.
The other thing is that she got me and my aunt reconnected. This same aunt had her second oldest girl in training(she is a narcisisst just like my mother and sistye, spoild and ugly ways.) Lot of ugly history between her and Sham, This aunt does not like the boys and dont want them in her house. Sham has said this a lot and the husband said same during ride in limosine. So the girls stay with the aund and the boys stay with the father. They live in apartment buildings right next to each other both on the second floor. Only the aunt has 3 bedrooms and sham only had two. I did try to get her to try and get a larger place as these kids were going to grow up and need space. Also the husband was out of the loop of the plan. I gave aunt monies to fill up frig for the kids at the time I didnt know they were no all under same roof. we had discussed this and at some point I felt maybe it was to much for him or he felt funny about. Forgot all my reserves about my aunt and sent her the money. I told him. He says she bought a small pack of ground beef for and 4 chiken breast for him and four boys and didnt mention that I had sent her anything for them.
I was just a little twisted that I should have held my money and just waited untill I could do something. I was just feeling like just give them some money becuasue I dont have the time or the spirit in me to be there for them in a significant way. I am already brurnt out from my own issues. Not to mention a worrry about a new medical issue,. which may be just from fibroids hopefully., So I plan to take them iceskating. I am getting old and tire. My heart wants me too save the world, and I cant even help my self sometimes.
Anyways much love to you all. Hang in there. Enjoy this holiday spirit. I know it should be everyday but it seems deeper during this season. Give love, make good memories and take care of YOU. God Bless
gershun -that's funny. Once in hotel I was doing my walk down the halls with my hair in curlers and a cleaning lady laughed and quoted "Curlers in your hair!, Shame on You!" I never heard it before.
ali -glad it is all good. Things are going at least reasonably well. Now we are into the paperwork stage. This is insult upon injury in my mind. You can dissolve a couple of spoonfuls of borax in a glass of water, or just rub it dry into your hair, leave it a while and rinse, It makes your hair really soft.
fraz - it was a a pain at the airport. I know it took me sometime to get used to no gels or lotions in the carry-ons. And beware of scissors, I had a pair of folding scissors confiscated at a court house. It was embarrassing as they saw it in the X ray but it took me ages to located them in my handbag.
madge --it is good stuff. Don't be afraid to try it.
duck - sounds like the funeral went as well as possible. I know you are missing your cousin, Ice skating with the kids sounds like fun. No one can save the world. Working on ourselves is hard enough
Gave myself a day's grace and am now starting to cancel pensions etc. I should have started sooner as I expect this month they will be in her account in the next few days, but then they will just have to be returned. At least I have located the phone numbers I need and actually have cancelled a couple of annuities and health care/blue cross. They did it by phone. Yay!!!! Making progress!!!
Still feeling a sense of freedom. Hope it lasts. I will feel better once the paperwork is done, but at least I know likely it will be over sometime next year.Whew!!! I have paid my dues!!!
Take care, all.
Waiting for a whack of paper from mother's financial advisor. I guess I will have to brave the elements and check the mail box - tomorrow!
My biggest problem is my eyes which often need a larger font. The cataract surgery did not deal with the blurriness from the CFS. Stuff on line is fine as I can adjust the size, but IRL forms and information can be more difficult.
Solution: I just ordered a large magnifying glass that can hang around my neck, or hold or stand on its legs. I don't suppose my eyes will be getting any better.
Oh, the joys of aging!
May be going to my dd's for Christmas. Her hub just started a new job and has to work Christmas day. Or I may stay home. I am OK either way.
Waiting for the plumber to fix the shower and install new thermostats. I don't think he is going to make it today.
All is good on the dysfun sis front - so far. I won't totally relax till the estate is distributed and some time has passed.
Hope everyone is doing well or, at least, close to well.
Makeup glasses? Maybe I haven't worn much eye makeup, only mascara, because I can't see, haven't been able to for years.
You too, sharyn, with the cookie baking. I think grandma will have fun too!
Thinking if everyone and the various stresses that this season can bring.
For me, moderation is the key - not overspending, over eating, over socializing, over giving or over doing of any kind, Keep it simple, stress-free and sincere. Be true to yourself.
Wish I would wake up better in the mornings, but maybe I can be grateful that I wake up at all lol. Waiting for the plumber again. Hopefully we will connect today and he won't charge me extra as it is the weekend. He is just coming to assess the job. In any case, it needs to be done.
Spent a lot of time getting a hold of one govt office re cancelling things for mother, then the person on the phone insisted on giving me the wrong information about something. I checked it out and there is no form ISP 1203 - only ISP 1200. I am making a few mistakes too, Made an error on the SIN I gave the funeral director, so I emailed him the correct one. He answered that the death certificates would have to be redone and the old ones shredded. I checked them and they do not have the SIN on them. Then he emailed back and said he had used the SIN from another source so it was correct, and I could use the certs I had. I let it go. I think it is normal for me to make a few mistakes under the circumstances, but they get paid for what they do. Oh, well.
Finding I am not as good at multitasking as I was, though yesterday I had my land line on one ear and my cell on the other trying to get through to offices. But I don't want to get into some paperwork and be disturbed by the plumber. My house needs tidying, laundry needs doing, mail needs sorting and I am not doing any of it for a while. Thank goodness for the volunteer who is shoveling my driveway.
Hope everyone is having a decent day. I will muddle through the rest of mine.
"For me, moderation is the key - not overspending, over eating, over socializing, over giving or over doing of any kind, Keep it simple, stress-free and sincere. Be true to yourself."
I second that...except I stopped trying so hard last week. Don't you just cringe when people don't do their jobs right? Gov't is shutting down here, they say.
You are doing a great job, and like you said, everything in moderation.
When I stopped driving due to the traffic is dangerous, hubs could choose Uber or bus or bicycling to work. He fell, his axle failed, (he installed it wrong), yesterday on his way to work.
There are minor bruises.
Hmmmm.
Sorry about hub's bruises. We all make choices and experience the consequences of them (thinking of hubs here,) The perils of dangerous traffic are worse than preventable bike accidents, IMO. But I know you worry about him.
I visited my mom this week to assess her mood and set the groundwork for what was happening Christmas Day. She already has an edge when she mentions DS’s girlfriend, who’s a really lovely woman and really good for DS. I know it’s because Mother is peeved that GF didn’t sit and fawn over her on Thanksgiving. I had to mention to DS that Grandma is in a lousy mood and may be testy with his GF. I let her get to me on Thanksgiving....no repeat on Christmas.