notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Sharyn, how was cookie making?
Send, bruises. Ugh!
Golden, thinking of you and paperwork.
Trust requires biyearly reporting. Nothing in a year. Just asked ts2 for trust info a few weeks ago. She told me an amount. Now in three weeks time the balance is 35k less. Looks like an IRA withdrawal may be the reason. But, IRA withdrawal after mom has passed? And of course she now wants to charge the estate for her non-management. No reporting. And I think the state defines the amount that the executor can charge. Now she wants sign off on Monday. HUH?! Emailed her to tell her I am not comfortable signing anything until I have a better understanding. She is fuming now I am sure. And no mention of mom's business and fabrics that are in the trust. I really do not understand what she is doing. No mention of mom's van that ts2 has hung onto for four years now or mom's wedding ring that is probably worth a tidy sum on its own.
Just not at all transparent. And a fee for accounting? Who to? For what? Who the heck knows. She just sent a summary, if there was an IRA withdrawal what was it for and when was it?
UGH!
Golden - I managed to read back a few pages and discovered you just lost your Mom. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I love what you said about her lack of fear over death; rather she was curious. A beautiful gift indeed. Thank you for sharing. Comfort and blessings to you.
He was out of Uber and buses stopped, and he was working late.
Driving home last night, there was a black pickup truck following too closely, riding my bumper and honking. I changed lanes and slowed, he initially slowed, as if waiting for us, then went on ahead, speeding, but had pulled off a side street, lying in wait! ! Then came up behind us ! Called 911, pulled over into a parking lot with stores at direction of police.
We waited, pickup truck did not follow. I was so very shaken. 10:30 p.m.
And, My response, I was weaving while dialing 911 on my cell! Too dangerous a situation to stop and pull over. There are persons out there wanting to come after me! Maybe.
The only thing I could imagine that I did wrong was to drive too slow (which is the speed limit), pulled into his lane (it was 25+ ft in front of him), and he is on drugs with road rage, on a Saturday night, guessing.
Now, I am afraid to be out there, knowing this is an over reaction after checking with a friend. But I must stick to my own rules that I made for myself:
No driving on a full moon. No matter what. I lost the ability to respond well in an emergency, even though I am still a good driver. I now drive like an old lady.
Speaking of Ballance, Moderation and Simplistic, this has been the Most Stress Free and relaxed holiday preparation that I've ever experienced, it's Fantastic!
I decided to do All of my Christmas shopping online, and I have not even stepped into a store other than the grocery store this entire holiday season, and its been Fantastic! I did send hubby out for some additional wrapping paper and cello tape, but that's it! Now if only I could wake up and have all my gifts magically wrapped up for me, then Everything would be Golden!
We are spending Christmas Eve at our Eldest Son and DIL's house with all 4 kids, spouses and Grandies, and then have a quiet Christmas dinner (hubby is doing the cooking, he likes to make the traditional Turkey Dinner, Yea Me!) here at our home with a couple of our kids/ spouses, and eldest Step-Grandson and that is it, Done and Done!
I very much enjoyed our "all ladies holiday luncheon" this year with sisters, cousins and close family friends that we have each year, plus had lunch with my 5 siblings out at our favorite restaurant this past week, so I've really been enjoying myself, and fairly stress free to boot!
I also did a day of baking with 2 of my sisters earlier in the month, and then did some cookie decorating/frosting the next day with my 2 younger Grandsons, so a bit of fun in the kitchen too! Now that I've got the hang of this online shopping thing down, I'll never go back to traditional Christmas shopping in the crowds, ever again!
One thing we have not done was our traditional night time downtown, see all the shops lit up and decorated, Santa, the carousel, ice skating rink and Hot Cocoa expedition, but we might just go after Christmas with the Grandies, there's still time yet, we just weren't able to coordinate it with them, they are all so busy as there is So much holiday fun you can do in the Seattle area, and the Parents really try do to hit them all, it's amazing and so darn expensive too! I'm glad we aren't raising kids in this day and age!
So except for a bit more Christmas wrapping (gotta get that done tonight!), we are all set!
Golden, sounds like you are well on your way with your Executor duties, it is exhausting I know! So glad that you are home safe now, and hopefully getting some much deserved rest too! I enjoyed reading the Beautiful posts you wrote about your Mother and her life, she sounds like an amazing person who gave so much of herself to others! You have honored her so nicely since she passed, and I'm sure she was so very proud of you too! Time to take a break from it all, and Enjoy a restful Christmas few days!
Glad, so happy to hear that you have been enjoying your family, as well as a night out with your local friends too! You need to do more of that, so that you can widen your friend circle there in your town. You are going to be a permanent resident now that you are settled into your Beautiful New Home! Have a Wonderful Holiday!
SharynM, enjoy your Grandies! Christmas is such a Wonder to the little ones, so soak it all up, as they grow up so Fast!
Dduck, I hope you are feeling better after the loss of your Dear cousin! I'm glad you have reconnected with other family members over your loss, it would be good for you to stay connected to extended family. Don't pay any attention to your Twisted Sis, the anguish is just not worth it, and only causes you the pain. Now get out there and enjoy the Reason for the Season, and find the happiness in The Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas!
I hope Everyone enjoys the Holidays in your own Special way! Try not to stress over the things that just don't matter! Happiness begins in your Own Heart! Peace on Earth and Good Will Towards Man! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Send, I understand that fear and fright, its a lot of sick people out there. He was trying to intimidate you. I hope you do not let that experience scare you from driving.
Golden I have not caught up at all. I just want to extended warm wishes to you. I can imagine how hard it is for you and I hope the moments come in soft waves.
I have been having a few moments every now and then. Shams daughter had her baby yesterday a boy. I cried a bit, Sometimes I feel like I am a bundle of emotional nerves.
Then to top it off I put tree in between front windows in living room and found that someone moved it back on a lamp tablke where I l put it to decorated and left for a while. I was insulted and moved it back with a note when you buy a tree which I doubt will happen, then put you put it where you want. You want to move something pick up a broom or do something in the house for your mother. I can't deny how this stuff makes me feel. Today it was moved again but on a currio shelrf esxtendtion by the window. I guess it was all for some perceived safety. the only issue is really it would get broken. She did not buy it so I think there is more to it. I did not get this tree to give my twisted something to reign over. I am thinking to just put it away. my mother is not aware of the season. I am more worried about her eating. There has not been a tree in the house since I last put one up and sat there watching my sister and her daughter in law change all types of giftsw intentionally leaving me out. It didtn hurt as much as revealed who my sister is and what she is about. Maybe I will put it in my window and light itr up for her. LOL. Its not really funny but I had to chuckle at that one as I pictured it.
Anyways this stress, mourning can be so drastically draining. Then on top of it all my therapy is no longer free and I will be going every other week. We have been doing reiki only I have not settled long enough at home to do it. I feel something in my heart when my sister does these3 type things. Same issues from when we were young. She would do shyst then Id get in trouble . I broke the toilet one time. I dont know why my parents never sat us down to settle these things. Or maybe they just couldnt chastise their monster. Then a medical issue has me concerned and hoping its just something simple. But making an apt and getting it takes for ever.
Anyway I went out to dinner with my friends. I was so very tired but I had been looking forward to this for a while. It was nice. Long ride there and I couldnt fall asleep during ride going or trainride back. Thankfully this afternoon when I awoke I felt better.
Loneliness is coming around. I am trying not to give into. Sometimes I just wonder whats the point in my struggle.
Well today is Christmas eve, eve. Last night on way home the christmas cheer was contagious especially in the young men (I guess cause that is all whom I saw last night) in the neighborhood. They seemed extra curteous and high spirited and it rubbed off on me. I looked at the sky and it was beautiful looked to be a full moon.
When I got home it was obvious no one had came in or out. The mail was still in the gate. No new food was there for my mother and she hadnt eaten anymore that what I fed her before I left. Nor did it look like she had anyfurther attention,
This is what really bothers me, with my sick puppy sister. Instead of worrying about that tree the focus should be on my mother. and okay she has a campaign against anything I do. Nothing I can do about it. My mother suffers in the end. Maybe that is her karma. I want mines to be right so I try and pray for the strenght to do and understand what is right for my mother. But honestly sometimes its really hard and sad.
=
Rays of love joy and peace to you all. ((((((HUGS))))))
Very merry to you - and everyone else on AC Forum 🎄
Blackhole LOL that made my morning. Wee cocktail ahye.
Oh, also heard from my estranged 20 year old daughter earlier. We chatted for awhile, mainly small talk, but I was glad to hear from her and that she sounded like she was in a good frame of mind. Our relationship is best described as "it's complicated" but I always love and pray for her as my daughter. Had gotten her a couple of gifts from us and sent them in the mail just to say we love her and Merry Christmas, so she was calling to say thank you and we got to talking. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, given our history, but I'm really grateful anyway.
Planning on going to eat with mom and spend some time up there with her tomorrow, then come back and finish doing our gifts here and just relax and watch Christmas movies in my comfortable clothes (read: stretchy yoga pants). That's the plan, anyway, as much as planning is possible these days...love and hugs to you all, and wishing all a very Merry Christmas!
I have been staying with DD1 since Friday. Christmas all done for me. The time with my kids was fun. I am driving home this morning. Wish I could just stay in bed at home. Caught DD1's cold. Just do no feel good and not too enthusiastic this morning.
Had dinner at ts2's yesterday. It was ok, I just didn't want to go. But she and I had a long overdue chat. Twisteds and auntie dearest just did not understand how sick mom was. And the summary of the trust is incorrect. She is so busy all the time. How do people live that way? Much rather be my homebody self.
Just finished watching a hilarious senior version of "The 12 Days of Christmas" The first line was 'On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me a membership for AARP." The rest followed suit and was on the University of Mobile Christmas tv program. Worth watching, Lots of funny sidelines. One singer/actor wandered off to the comment "He has digestive issues". Lol. I can relate.
Nothing traditional about my Christmas except I have a fire in the fireplace. I will probably bake salmon later. DD invited me over for a visit and a cup of tea. Her hub just got a job after being out of work for a while and he is working today so she is doing nothing special. Haven't decided if I will go yet.
I'll get back to all the posts later. Just wanted to say "Hi."
I've been able to talk openly with a few relatives about different dysfunctional people and patterns and it feels good to both be heard and I feel like they're all generally more understanding now about the behaviors that drive me away. It feels good that it's not just me that sees controlling, narcissistic behaviors in some of my relatives. I used to feel that I was the ONLY ONE who had any problem with several relatives who manipulate, or act hateful, etc.
I'm not naive enough to think family get togethers will be without some interesting dynamics... but this year has been a nice time. I spent very short time around my dad and I know that helped me to feel more at ease.
I don't know how I was EVER his live in caregiver. That just cannot have been good for me emotionally. I'm very glad that's over. Whew.
Feeling a bit better now. Maybe the TamiFlu kicking in, or maybe the Prednisone to help clear out my lungs and my stuffy head. Have not been to an ER if many years for myself.
Truth be told this is never a good time for me and I find myself in tears sometimes just because I saw an exhibition of love in a family or friendship. Then I think of Sham and her children and I cried for joy about the baby.
But deep down I am so grateful to God to let me see who and what my family was and that I have moved up a level from crying for what I thought was love and family.
I did mention about the tree, and the movement. Then when I got home I found the microwave on the floor. I took the tree upstairs and deep down I knew not to feel guilty that, guilt is one of the holds or weapons my sister use on me because I have always been blamed.
Anyways I felt so good when I left out. I came in this morning and nothing was out for my mother not even the hard bread, bannana and crackers that I have to pick up and throw out mushed in a cup. I was thinking hey she is off let her be responsible knowing it wouldnt happen. So I bought a danish heated it up and gave her some apple juice, when I came in. As I was doing this my twisted comes down walk right out then steps back as an afterthought to tell myh mother she would be right back. I figure she is going to mcD's. I have a threshold for sleep so if I am not sleep by about 11 its a wrap. so I go upstairs and watch my new fav. series (medici family excellent) till I dose. Sometimes it seems I have been out a long time and its only 45mins. So I go down and check seeing no sign that anyone came or left. no MCD or antything. I encourage my mother to finish the danish and give her a breakfast bar and go back up to try and sleep. I may have dosed two hours and just said get up try and spend more time to get her to eat before I go to work. I also went back up to get phone to record this because its getting crucial If my mother keeps this poor appetite. So I heat two meals and follow her around trying to feed her. Sometimes she sits and fumbles with stuff and its easier. Sometimes she eats and sometimes like today its frustraiting because I follow her around as she dig in bags, fridge shopping carts where ever her mind leads her. Finally I gave up and went to shower, I heard my nephew come in but of course I didnt see him. I go up get dressed hear foots steps up and down my sister is over me. When I come down theymy moter asks if that is me coming, They are spead out on sofabed, the one I change and clean linens, with toy cars and trucks, I guess for my oldest nephew sonb who has out grown those things. But I alwayts ask him how he is and if he remember my mother. He says he is going to bring him by one day. my mother is in rocking chair I kiss her and tell her I will see her in the morning. She follows me out asking where I am going and how and when,,,, I tell her to go back in with her "company". I was pissed that I had swept and did damage control. As I set trash bags out she was at the window calling for me. I think sometimes my mother knows what she has done to the family and to me as well.
Well the bottom line is I am glad I took my cornyassed tree upstairs and pissed that I swept and went around dumping stuff in garbage. I am so greatful for whatever spirit hit me and said just take the tree out. You didnt get it to start nonsense. Well that was the HO HO HO in my merry christmas.
It seemed childish but everything does to me when it comes to reacting to my sisters spirit and that I think gives her the go ahead to continue. Sometimes I can hardly walk. I am tired, I am stressed, burnt out. Its like I am a sitting DDDUck for her and her sickness. Drawing the line with someone who is sick is like digging a hole for myself. She has no boundaries and is very skillull in the art or lying and manipulation. A beautiful liar, manginificent painter of delusions. I am out of my league with her and its frustrating and sometimes I cant help myself, I feel I have to respond. So childish as it was, I left a gold ball in the place. :D
Glad, I sure hope you feel better, plenty of fluids, lots of vit c.
Ali, its beautiful to talk with reasonable people. Glad you are in a good place.
Golden, Fireplace, oh how lovely, I could put my tree by the side and sit there and watch the fire too. I am glad for you having a smooth day, I would go and share the joy if I was up to. Get out and share some love. You can always come back to your cozy. At least you have a cozy. :)
((((Hugs)))) and love to you all. I really love you guys. Just trying to catch up is so uplifting at times. Especially when its good news and positive, all of it makes me feel connected to something good.!!!!!
Sleep Tight, Rest easy, I am out.
I
Linda - hope your day worked out well. Nice to bake cookies with dd.
susan - hope there were no outbursts and your time with dad went well.
heart - good to see you back, Hope you have a decent holiday season,
glad - Dinner with tw2 went well? That's an improvement! Hope she gets her executor duties in order. There was some denial within your family about your mum I guess . Do hope you feel better soon.
maxine - so sorry about your sis abusing your dad. Horrible. Is there anything you can do about it?
trying - good to see you back too. Thank you. It was her time. She was more than ready to go.
stacey - sounds like you are having a great time this year and you deserve it. Yes it is break time -a nice quiet break!
duck - the twisted sister games continue. The only thing is to not play. Thank you -I have grieved mother for so long I am not feeling much different now.
blackhole - cocktail and Christmas tree sound cosy.
sharyn -trust you had a great time with family and that the boys really had fun.
cmag - best wishes to you too.
girlsaylor - I hear you about it being two ways and not doing obligatory stuff. I keep it pretty simple too.
fraz - baking - did that years ago. The kids and I used to decorate sugar cookies. So glad you heard from your dd. It's a start. Baby steps!!!. Hope the time with your mum went well. I have been doing the relax thing all day and enjoyed it. Love and hugs back to you.
Gershun -wanting to know if you went to family this year and how your Christmas was whatever you did.
ali -I don't know how you did it either, but it wasn't good for you. I am glad some relatives "got it". and you are having a peaceful time this year. You have earned it.
Had a very peaceful and enjoyable day, I texted with the kids and R. Last night my ex connected and we had a good chat. Heard from a girlfriend that her hub- who has the spinal deterioration is in hospital having surgery on a blocked carotid. Their health has fallen apart this year - they are 75 and 78. Makes me very thankful for my health, though the CFS and FM are limiting etc, neither are life threatening. My highlights were getting my special crackers delivered by Walmart yesterday, and watching the Goonies today. I'm easy to please. I had a great fire on all day, watched Christmas music programs, and ate much as usual. I will do the salmon tomorrow, Dd is pretty tired with her dd's issues and didn't get much sleep so I will visit another day.
Sending love, hugs and prayers to all. Be good to you.
glad - special gluten free,dairy free crackers, There is so much more on the market now than when I first went GFDF. For a while I had given up on crackers. These are a Sesmark Ancient grains, sea salt crackers made with quinoa, amaranth, millet and sorghum. Very tasty with hummus,liverwurst, smoked salmon etc. I can make a meal out of canapes. Hope you are getting over that bug.
blackhole - yes, nurture yourself -good advice. It is a special kind of exhaustion. I saw your post on your mil and expectations, Oh my. That's pretty bad, but, I am afraid, fairly typical these days. I feel badly for your mil. I hope you had a nice time with her anyway
Beautiful sunny winter day here. Everything is covered in fresh snow, Do I want to go out in it? Not really. Looking at it is fine. The shower is fixed and I have new thermostats installed. The guy said that one I had was ancient. The new ones are digital and keep the temp much steadier. I was running back and forth to the old one adjusting it all the time. To day is one more day to slack off then I have things to do tomorrow.. I didn't over eat, over spend or over socialize, so no hangovers of any kind. Feels good. It's another way of looking after me.