The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Jadestar, welcome. Lots of open ears and understanding here.

Check out this 9News Special, Stranded. If the link disappears, google it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZLl673jSko

Still trying to wrap it around my head what i was told by the social worker " your father has the right to make bad decisions".

Jade, you are in the right place, among people who have or had hurting hearts, survivors with wisdom and understanding. You will get a wealth of help, understanding and perspective. Keep posting and welcome aboard!!!!!

Golden, I have not caught up and I am just on this page. I was very moved by your post. Your advice is golden, thank you, thank you, thank you. Because your advise always strikes a cord and is is so applicable and great guidance.

Soooo, my Christmas went was smooth. I guess it was part becuase my expectations were realistic. Its funny but I felt so much better when I cam home the day after and saw my mother had been bathed. I had just finished discussing with my son how I had to find someone strong and sensible to help me get her in a bath and change clothes and wash her hair. And I get home and wala!!!

She is still eating poorly. So one morning I was prepared to wait on meals delivery and cook and go do laundry. I had my laundry all packed and decided to just take my things and get dressed downstairs instead of walking back up the two flights. So I swept and did damage control and when I go take shower my mother had confiscated my bag. It was a real struggle to get it from her and I had to be a tad forceful. I was so frustrated. Then as she was fussing at me telling me how stupid I was and fussing that I just stomped in there and did this and that, just hearing the same old themes when she refers to me, still hurt. I was so worn out from getting my bag because it was a long process that I didnt feel up to changing her linen as I had planned.

When I came back I brushed oiled and braided her hair. She would not let me wash it.
Then she is doing more crazy stuff. Today as I left I saw she had pulled a full shopping cart up a flight and was obviously exhausted. Then what if she tries to take it back down and fall?.

So, as hard as it is sometimes. I just step back and leave stuff alone. Sometimes I feel her lack of care and honor and quality of life is her karma. That she deserves my sister and that the best I can do is try to keep her fed and eating and her surroundings clean. That in it self is hard. because she just doesnt even want to eat because she is buzzing around going through every corner, cabinet, packing stuff including food and milk. It gets very tiresome opining these bags and finding old food, old juice or just plain searching out the source of a foul odor. Meanwhile every week I throw out at least two trash bags of the papers and junk. I dont know where she keeps finding theis stuff. Other than that she seems to be more aware about our routine. She knows when I come down I am going to cook and clean and she starts buzzing trying to be helpful but I cannot lead her to do something like sweep. She just wont do anything i ask its just natural. the way its always been.

I am so grateful to be in a good place. I had found myself spiraling into a depression and a bad, sad place. Thinking and thinking. So I am checking out this self awakening stuff on utube and see what it does.

So have a lovely, safe, beautiful New Year and holiday season eveyone.

Rays of love and peace.

She

I'm listening to her cry right now and I'm so tired. I'm glad the holidays are almost over as they were really stressful and I started crying right before our family one because I had a lot to do and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. My mom really wanted to have everyone get together for the holiday and so I had to contact some siblings that I hadn't talked to in a long time and ask them to come.

I really try to be happy most of the time and not add to other people's stress. I don't usually hold onto things or dwell on the bad things around me, I can go years without crying. I am beaten down right now and will need a good cry tonight.

She has stopped crying now and is talking about how hard it is for her to do things. She does try sometimes but then sometimes she gives up for a couple weeks. I'd love to throw about two rooms full of stuff out but she wants me to try and sell it first. I don't have the energy for that, I work full time and take care of her, I just don't want to and would just like it gone. Always something she wants me to do, that's how I feel. Like everything is on me, everything to do with her anyways. Like doctor appointments, my sister took her to one appointment and developed some 'sympathy' symptoms afterwards and is now afraid to take her to anymore. She has the choice to say no, I don't.

sharyn - hope you have wifi back by now. In any case. I hope you had a great Christmas with the grands.

jade -welcome! Peace to you too. I think you will find much understanding here.

glad - it seems close to a crisis point. I am glad the law-makers are looking at it. Caregivers have their personal crises even if they do not abandon their charges, and they need help too. The abandoned ones are just the tip of the iceberg.

Lorraine -we see that here time and again and, I don't think there is anything anyone can do if the person in question is still assessed as competent. Adults make their own good and bad decisions. It doesn't seem right when the adult is seems to us to be compromised. I read your profile and am sorry that your dad is taking his anger out on you and your bro is as he is. I know that one. My sis reveled in getting me in trouble with our mother. Yet, I was the care giver. Take care of you.

duck - glad your Christmas was smooth. Realistic expectations are so important.

emotionallynumb - you sound burnt out. Is there anyway you can find someone to give you a break? We can't please all of the people all of the time. That is a truth and not being able to does not make you a bad person. You need to look after yourself. A full time job and care giving is too much. If you could fill in your profile a bit it would help. Does mum have a dementia, is she ill in any way? No matter what mum wants, you have to also consider what you want, and what is good or not good for you. There comes a time to set some limits on the demands that others make on us.

Hoping 2019 is a better year for everyone. I am sleeping better, in general and feeling stronger. Yay!!! I have given myself a break from executor duties and that feels good. I can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel of a life where I am able to deal with my stuff, and my stuff only. I am looking forward to it.

I have been rethinking the condo idea as I think I would feel boxed in. My thoughts about it have changed since mother passed. I feel much freer. I do want a kitchen window that looks outside on a garden, I want stairs (they keep me healthier), I want a wood burning fireplace. and I want SPACE to walk around in. However, I know it is not good to make decisions right after a major event in one's life. I will go south and look at a place I saw in the net and see if it feels right. It is about the same vintage as this one, split level, fireplace, lots of windows and mature landscaping. One step at a time. If you want to tell me I am crazy, feel free, I kinda think I am too, but I can hire people to do the house/maintenance work and I don't plan on having as much furniture in it as I do here.

My grocery order arrived so I have smoked oysters and other goodies for tonight and my bean soup is ready. It works well in the cold weather. Hope everyone is surviving the season and the weather reasonably well. Minus 9 feels like minus 25 here today, but better the next few days. Take care all.

Golden- glad you are sleeping better and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve much happiness, you did the caregiving thing for a long, long time.

The place you describe doesn't sound crazy to me, it sounds really nice, especially having the window overlooking a garden. I know what you mean too about needing the space. Condos can make you feel claustrophobic if they're too small or cramped.

EmotionallyNumb, it does sound like you're overwhelmed. It's okay to have a good cry. I hate crying too, but sometimes you just have to let it all out.

You might have to put your foot down and tell your mom some of the stuff is going to have to be donated to charity, as you don't have time to mess with trying to sell it. It's okay too to set limits and say no in order to take care of you. Your feelings matter too.

DDDuck, I'm glad you are feeling a little better despite the struggled with your mom. At least you have some peace now with it all. You just do what you can do, and it sounds like you are doing your best.

I'm staying in tonight. Have gotten a little work done today, but haven't gone much of anywhere except to run errands. I think I'll be lucky to make it till midnight without falling asleep.

I'm looking forward to the New Year, just hoping it's not as chaotic as 2018 has been. Hoping for a little bit smoother sailing.

Christmas was okay too. Went to eat with mom and spend some time with her for a bit before coming back home and finishing our presents and just relaxing. I feel bad sometimes because it seems like mom gets more upset when I or we (hubs and the kids) visit than if I stay away for a week or two. She still cries to come home with me, and I'm still trying to encourage her to get out and go play bingo and participate in the activities there like she did before. It just seems like she has severe separation anxiety, even if she just saw me the day before. Like when it's time for me to leave, she cries and throws a fit. But the times when I've gone a week or more without going up there, it seems like there is less drama. I don't know what that is about, other than maybe my visits are a reminder that she can't come home with me, that the place there is now her home, which she still struggles to accept, or maybe they are a disruption even though she says she wants the visits. I hope she will gradually be more accepting this coming year and that there will be less drama.

Wishing everyone here a happy New Year as well. Don't know how I would've made it through 2018 without the support I've found here. Cheers to a hopeful 2019!

Frazzled, happy that Christmas was relatively uneventful, less drama, separation anxiety I think is very common.

Golden, a house? What about a patio home? smaller property, exterior maintenance covered by HOA dues. If we had such a thing here, I would have bought that.

Sharyn, what a pain, CenturyLink down for a couple of days?! Absurd! My first thought was Russians!

Duck, sounds like you are doing well and beginning to realize your limitations.

Emotionally numb, we all get there, we all reach a limit to what we can do and that is OK!

Ali, where are you? Probably out on NYE, you youngster you!

Me I am staying in, still fighting this bug and it is nasty. Wish I could just get my ears to stay clear. It drives me nutty. And it has been very cold an windy today. Hey where is WindyRidge? Getting below zero tonight, with chill factor estimated at -20. BRRR! Stay in safe and warm with a warm kitty on my lap.

How do they have new year celebrations, fireworks, etc on a cold night like this? Not for me any more. There was a time when I enjoyed NYE, about 15 years ago, now? Just not interested any longer. Here is to a happier new year for all.

I lost a box of food, soups, tea, and kitchen stuff. It must be here somewhere.

Hello All ~ Happy New Year! I have been reading this thread and finding that I am not alone. So many things to identify with. I am caring for my 91 year old Mother. Before that I cared for my Dad for about 2 years in the Nursing Home where he passed from end stage dementia. We finally sold the house and have moved her to Independent Senior Living. I go over there about three times a week and basically handle all her business and other needs. I am suffering from Caregiver Burnout. Before my Dad I also cared for a couple of elderly Aunt's. I was "retired" in 2009 due to a layoff and have not had any time for a real retirement yet. To add to my situation my friend of 35 years is in end stage cancer. I go there twice a week also. Yesterday I called my Mother and said I needed to stay home. The guilt is overwhelming. Also I do not get any money or help from Mother for doing this. I cannot work because of the nature of caregiving. I hope to begin volunteering at a Day Care Center soon. Thank you all for welcoming me I hope to find solace here. Best wishes and again Happy New Year may we all find peace in the year ahead.

Jade, you will find, if not solace, comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggles with caregiving. The most important thing to remember is that you need to find a way, some time, to care for you too! Do something that you enjoy tomorrow!

I was laid off in 2009 as well, I have been back to work for the past two years, after four years of 24/7 caring for my mom with AD and her hubby, general age related decline. Mom passed a year and a half ago after being in a facility for just over two years.

I hope this year brings loads of blessings, happiness, peace, prosterity, love, wisdom and understanding to you all.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Thanks gladimhere ~ I will be 70 this year. I was laid off at age 59. I do my best to make it from SS and Pension checks to the next ones. After layoff and before SS I used all my savings that was supposed to be for now. It is hard not to be resentful but with the help of support groups and therapy I have learned to let that go. Yesterday when I went shopping for Mother I got a few things for myself like paper goods and some pet food and litter. I will be expected to pay this back when Pension comes in tomorrow. Just as an aside, my Mother is VERY well off. Now and then she tosses me a bone. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but it is hard to see her freezer full and shelves packed while I go to a food pantry each week. I have had "the talk" so many times and gotten nowhere. I have siblings but they are not able to assist with care or financial help. My faith and finding that little miracle in each day gets me through. Even better, now I have found this place of companion travelers. Thank you!

Glad, yes many people were first concerned of terrorists with century links wide spread outage. Fortunately it was back up the next day.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope this year is calming and quiet.

My brother has had no change since back at Stanford. His issues are emotional not physical. Along with panic attacks, he is suffering from ICU delirium with hallucinations. He is seeing psychiatrists so hopefully he can overcome all this.

Have a good January 1st and take little short breaks for yourself.

Sorry to hear about your brother, Sharyn. I hope that they find a way to help him soon.

Thank you Glad, I hope so too.

Jade, I have actually been back to work for three years now. The first year was a nightmare, went out of state to a less competitive market. Now I know why it was less competitive 😲. After a year back to my home state, and a much smaller community, which I am enjoying, thoroughly. Two years here now. The miserable year served its purpose to get me back to my career.

Happy New Year everyone!!!! Again and again and again. It was a lovely morning when I got off. When I left for work my mother ate her meal like a champion (with me feeding her :( :). So I felt on top of the world. No sign of sister, or food excep a syrup container on mantle piece. No trash that I see except what I throw out. Its so sad. But it is what it is. I threw out more stuff on way out. My goodness I dont know where she gets this stuff!!! It would be funny if it wasnt so frustrating. I also grabbed yes grabbed two pills from her she had folded in a tissue. I guess pills my sister supposedly gave her for her pressure. Only way I know is because I open her mail. So I will be notifying doctor of this. I am kind of twisted about doctor. Because even if they changed her clothes and didnt bathe her, he should have noted the odor even if mild. I guess she has to lose weight or have a highly elevated blood pressure to take true notice of my calls and reports which I am sure get dismissed easily. Well thats my first job of the year, notify doctor.

I hope you all are well and in good spirits. I am really checking out this self awakening topics on utube. It makes sense. A little hard to grasp some points (I wonder why :) ) But on the whole I like it.

Rays of love light and peace to all, and lots of (((HUGS)))

Good nite, sleep tight.

fraz - thx - too long!!! Had some anger today about that I know it is part of grief. The house has many good features. I will take a look at it soon. A couple of friends have driven by and say it is a great neighbourhood.

glad - yes a house -backwards I know. Found out that there will be a lot of construction around the condo in the next years, including a 4 lane highway going right past it. The house price is very good being outside of the city. Hope you are over that bug and have found your kitchen stuff.

jade -happy new year to you too. I bet you are burned out. I haven't had a retirement yet either. I am so sorry about your friend with cancer. I have lost a couple of friends to that horrible disease. If you could arrange some time off for yourself that would be good. Could you not draw up a caregiver contract with your mother?

sharyn - glad your wifi is back. Sorry to hear about your bro. He has been through so much. I trust he will get past this too.

duck -wishing you all the best in the new year too. Glad you are finding things to help.

My IBS has flared up a bit. I suppose it reflects the stress of all that has happened. Watching "Hello Dolly" right now. Its a good distraction.

Good night all!

I'm watching different versions of Vanity Fair on Amazon Prime lately.

I was feeling very bad for a bit the past couple of days, wondered if my thyroid was messed up again or what. But I think it was just too much rich food and too many alcoholic drinks over the holidays. We shall see. I'm treating my headaches with psilocybin these days and that works well for me. It isn't a legal substance and also I don't care. It helps me and I've learned how to take just a little bit on my day off work, then I don't get the bad headaches. New psych doc prescribed an SNRI and I tried it... again. Had same bad reaction as previously. I can't seem to take any of that type of medication. New psych was fine with me trying to self medicate with this well-studied alternative medication. And what can I say...? It simply helps with some very painful symptoms, and also alleviates the agitation I get with the anxiety disorder. Anywho... I'm glad to have an option that doesn't seem to have any bad side effects that I can see.


I haven't felt I have much to contribute to this thread in months but I still read. Welcome to the new posters. This is a great source of support for those who are in any kind of caregiving situation.

Hello to everyone, and I hope the New Year is full of good things for all of you. Hugs.

Just want to say how supportive this group is. I see so much collective wisdom in posts on every topic imaginable. We are all different, but for every hurdle, we jump together here.
Today I was interrupted three different times, trying to wash the screened patio, where my kitties spend their time. Litter gets tracked, clings to fur, then rain blows in. It’s an ongoing mess, but I try to use it as social time with the furry kids. The interruptions were three different medical phone calls. All to coordinate care for me. Diabetic eye exam needed scheduled. Then got a call, radiology wanted breast ultrasound, funky, lumpy mammogram. Then call confirming they did get prior films from last mammogram, done in another state, before we moved here. Still issues they need to take a closer look at. Oh, actually, a fourth doctor’s office call, hubs’ care. For a change I’m getting on with my own medical issues, which I’ve been delaying during my spouse’s recent medical crises. So it goes. If we live long enough, we get old, ha!
I hope each one here receives some lifting up, here, as needed. Different ones doing the lifting up at different times, but we can all come here to refresh.

hi ali - hope you are feeling better. How is your room mate working out? Many wishes for a great new year.

girlsaylor - I agree. It is very supportive So glad you are looking after your medical issues as well as caring for your hub. We can only do so much so sometimes our stuff gets put on the back burner.

Imodium is my wonder drug. Had a very good day, got lots done, guts behaved, It is an easy fix. Tackled the pile of mail on the dining room table and think I have all I need for dealing with mother's stuff. Still have some phone calls to make, tax stuff to deal with and a visit to the bank, but it is looking doable. Nothing urgent for me but a late water bill which got paid. I found a new doctor in town taking new patients, whose office is just a few blocks away so I made an appointment for the end of January. Hope she works out.

Be good to yourselves everyone -you deserve it.

Sharon, so sorry to hear about your brother. He has been through a lot and it's natural I think for anyone to accept such. a dramatic change in their life. He is blessed to have a loving caring supportive sister. It takes time and faith to process and accept reality and our limitations. It's a painful process and in time with grace and faith he will find the strength and motivation to move past this. So many times I freeze, can't handle and lose my hope and feel so broken but my faith and the goodness of God's Grace leads me to places like this forum and other guidance that breaks the hold. Love is a powerful thing and your support and love and understanding will help see him through this. Be strong and hang in there. It's a heavy load caring and loving. My heart and prayers are with you.

Golden, I saw your post a little farther down about IBS flare, and Imodium helping. I also suffer from IBS D, my entire life, probably a genetic component, as two of my sons are diagnosed with IBS D, but could be Crohns. Third son has Crohns.
My IBS D has been so life-altering, so severe. Until we recently relocated once again. Different state, all new doctors. My new gastro couldn’t seem to help me, same as all the gastros before him. Viberzi didn’t help me, Dicyclomine works only so-so. He even got me a trial of the Xifaxan, which I could not afford, for possible SIBO. Didn’t work. So, he prescribed me a trial of Cholestramine. The test for faulty liver is not available in the US. Basically, it treats excess bile-induced diarrhea, caused when the liver does not properly take bile back up from the bloodstream. Excess bile in the bloodstream can cause chronic diarrhea. Finally! Somebody did a meds trial to arrive at the true medical diagnosis, since the nuclear medicine test can’t be done in the auS to test for it. I may still have IBS D, but most definitely am almost normal, most days, with this medication., along with Dicyclomine. A real life saver. He prescribed twice a day. But the old timey pharmacist coached me, said that’s probably too much. I take as needed, and it appears to work taking it once every other day, for me.
While I’m not suggesting you are misdiagnosed, it did, in fact, happen to me. I can’t believe the lifetime I’ve suffered, not properly diagnosed. I wish it could be this easy for everybody suffering with IBS D.

girlsaylor - thx for that information. I haven't been formally diagnosed with IBS but it often accompanies CFS/FM with which I have been formally diagnosed and it runs in the family - mother, grandmother, daughter and cousins. All my symptoms point to it. I mostly have it under control, but it has flared up since mother died. I am allergic to gluten and haven't eaten any for years. Doctors here are often pretty useless - one of my reasons for wanting to move south. When I told my latest dr that I had CFS/FM he just looked sad and shrugged. I insisted on being referred to an Infectious Disease Specialist some years ago when I had a yeast infection in my gut. My dr. didn't diagnose it, I did. The IDS was great, confirmed my diagnosis and gave me appropriate treatment which I had asked for from the my dr but he said it wouldn't help, I am over that now since a couple of years. My IBS-D affects me in the morning and I am usually good the rest of the day. It may well be bile induced. My dd had that but she is OK now. Whatever it is I think it is very stress related and I know that will settle down eventually. Meanwhile I watch my diet for triggers like FODMAPS, eat small meals, and am just now taking Imodium regularly, I only need one tablet in the morning and then I am OK so it isn't that bad. I take one when I travel to be safe.

I know part of my grief reaction right now is irritability - see my whine/rant. Even though I was not close to mother, her passing impacts me. Its not that I miss her, but I see myself having some symptoms of grief. I think it is to be expected. So glad you are doing better.

Well I hope everyone is in a good place.

I finally got a letter for an interview for ?studio or ? one bedroom. Studio monthly is 1,350 and the 1 bedroom is 1700. I do not like the area and its a nice ride to my mothers and adds another hour on my transport to work so I am feeling crazy on one hand and know the need for me to get out on the other. Plus its a lot of paperwork and forms to bring to interview. I am leaning to set it up even if for practice. The rent would hit me hard but thats the way it is in NYC so I think I will check it out even if just for infor.

GirlSaylor, I am glad you are getting something good here. I cannot express my surprise and happiness at finding such a forum that could actually help this broken, shattered mind and heart.

Ali, I binge watched Vanity Fair. Loved it. Great tip. I also love Medecci and now I had avoided Reign but its my new love. I watch them all and often run out of series to watch then reach out for somethinbg else. VF was a short but sweet binge.

Golden, (((HUGS))) I havent been on the whine thread for a while must check it out because I know the post will help me. I know I will be in that place one of these days maybe.

My homework in therapy was to watchy Matt Kahn, "Healing Core Wounds", I am listening to now as I post and after a pleasant introduction he has gotten to the nitty gritty and I am going to watch it when I can focus on it. He walks you through healing with mantras.

My mother is still not eating to good. Even when I fix her favorites. The pain of watching her age and the changes is a tad lessened but still hard. It gets to be very aggravating and frustrating trying to cook and clean around her its like she getts wound up and starts buzzying all over the place. Taking things apart like the coal dust pan under the grill or the agitation in the middle of the washing machine. Not to mention the tugging and fighting to get something I am using or just bought out to use. It was real cute the other day because I bought bag of papernapkins and said she is going to mess these up. Forgot all about it and put them where I normally do. so when she picked up the bag I automatically reached for it and just as she do with everything like a little 3 year old she quickly turns then calls her self hiding it from me with. When she turned around to see if I saw I was looking right at her and she was so tickled I had to laugh. I fix her plate and she wrapps it up and put it in a bag. and its a job to get it back not to mention that she thinks I am being me and crazy. OH Boy. Sometimes I trully wonder what's it all about. When I worked EMS and saw a lot of weird crazy sh#%Rt I kind of lost that question, Why? I felt then as I do still that when we learn that anwer when we die. So much pain so much saddness so much stress and then I can laugh with my and dont even know what she is finding funny and I think its nice that she is begining to do that now.

Anyways I was on my way to rambling on and on and on that theme.

Through it all though, I feel good, much better in my heart and spirit then I have in a good while and I wish that all for everyone for what ever it is that is happening in there lives.

Here I go again.... I get home and find flat screen tv my son bought is missing! I am holding on texting nepbew or calling police. I need to get some sleep before I get ready to go to feed my mother and go to work.
Any advice please.

The tv was in kitchen on an unused dryer and was worki g fine. There were times my motber has unhooked cables and took cords. There is nothing there nkw but cable box and cords. I dont want to feed into possible spite or selfish motive or theft i just dont know.