The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ok so I text nephw that I came home. Tv in kitchen is missing do you know what happened. I dont expect a resonable answer and pray this does not become crazy. Going listen to Kahn on utube untill i fL asleep

duck, awesome something came available to move. Of course you will have big changes and if this place is too far from work, maybe something will come along that is closer, soon.

Golden, sorry to hear about your tummy issues. Stress can do so much to our bodies, causing different symptoms. I sure hope it will settle down soon for you.

I’m going to take 4 days off for a mini vacation starting the 13th. I’m excited to have a bit of a break. I want to work n reupholstering the seat cushions on the chairs for my hubs grandparents dining set. I’m kinda of wanting to repaint it, but.....I don’t know if hubs will allow it, lol!!

Thursday we are planning to take a drive to Bogus ski basin just to check out the area. We have had very little snow this winter but it has been colder than normal.

Glad, I hope you are enjoying your new home! They finally started building in the lot next to us. The framing is done.

Best wishes for the New Year!

Well I’m putting in job applications and contemplating just breaking up with my partner long enough to get on my feet. I’m not eating anywhere near enough and I took a long look at myself in the mirror and noticed that I can see all my ribs and my spinal ridges. Of course the person I care for would just start saying how when she was my age she could see HER ribs and how men prefer us skinny and how she took amphetamines to get skinny after having a child. Funny because she’s like Petunia Pig. Sorry not sorry. I’m so damn done. Stick a fork in me because I’m done.

Girlsaylor- I'm glad you found us here. Yes there is a lot of great support. I found this site last year and don't know how I would have made it through without so many supportive people here that "get it".

Golden- I hope your tummy gets to feeling better. I know grief/stress can play havoc with the digestive system, and if you have IBS that just makes it worse.

Duck- I hope the new place works out for you, or if not that one, another one soon. I think it will really help your stress level to get some distance. Try and get some rest and just wait to see what nephew says about the tv. There may be some crazy explanation about it being moved, or not, but once he responds you'll have a better idea what's going on.

SharynM- Enjoy the break, it sounds like it'll be fun. I hope your brother starts feeling better soon too and that the docs can find some meds that help him.

NoMore- It sounds like you are burned out and definitely need a break. It takes a toll on your health, especially if the person you are caring for is very difficult or mean. I hope you are able to get some respite. Your health is very important too.

Not much going on here, still haven't put up the tree and decorations yet, but plan on packing them away on the next few days. I don't miss the hectic hullabaloo of Christmas but I will miss the cozy feel of all of the Christmas stuff in here.

So far, no mom drama this year, but we're just getting started. I hope 2019 is a bit calmer and less chaotic than 2018 was. I still wait for that other shoe to drop, unfortunately. We shall see. On a more positive note, we've had some nice January weather this past week. I think it's supposed to be about 60 degrees again today before turning colder again later this week. Yeah, our weather here is bipolar. Yesterday almost felt like springtime.

Hope everyone has a good week, I'm going to enjoy this nice sunshine and warmth before I have to go back to the sweaters and plugging in the electric blanket. :(

Golden, the new roommate seems like she will work out very well, thanks for asking. She's only been here a week so it's all still very new, but she's smart and considerate and I think it will be a nice enough co-living situation. I plan to get one more roommate but I have more work to do on apartment yet before I rent out another room and that may be a few months yet. I can only get to so much on my days off. Everything's going reasonably well for me and I'm grateful. I have bad days often enough that are centered around not feeling well... but I've been dragging myself along through worse, so I'll keep doing it, you know? lol

...

Something happened recently that has to do with the topic of dysfunction, and overcoming dysfunctional patterns in ourselves and in relationships with others.

A girlfriend of mine is putting some distance in our friendship of 25 years due to some bad things that happened to her recently. She came to meet up with me in early November and go to Korean spa where we've met up before. She didn't seem like herself to me, she seemed different and not in a good way, and she told me she was high on Xanax. I was surprised. She left the spa and was arrested that day for driving under the influence and possession of the Xanax, since they aren't her prescription and I think she may have been selling some of them.

She doesn't sound very stable, does she? But here's the thing: she has had a TRULY rough life with a lot of trauma, she's been in therapy for complex PTSD, and she tends to want to medicate those terrible feelings. Who wouldn't?? I can't say I blame her. And I think it was just an incident recently where she fell back into an old dysfunctional way of stuffing feelings down under some pills, and it bit her in the butt in a BIG way. She is now dealing with lawyers to fight her charges, etc.

Strangely, she somehow associates ME with being some part of her trouble. I'm not clear on exactly why, and it doesn't matter. She knows she needs to do some work on herself and she feels it's best to focus on that, and not continue our friendship right now. I had to agree that that seems reasonable.

It just stinks because she's a good friend and I love spending time with her. I also want her to be healthy and happy more than I want to get the enjoyment of her friendship. So I have to let her go, and vice versa. For now.

For two dysfunctional people, I'm actually kind of proud of the two of us figuring out what we needed to do here and being able to do it with love... for the most part.

She hadn't been speaking to me for months and I knew something was amiss but I had to pull it out of her to figure out that she links me to her own chaos. I can't even disagree completely with her assessment. I AM at times a chaotic person, due to mental illness issues and my own dysfunction. It's a little bit sad that we can't be close right now but it is what it is.

Frazzled and Sharyn, Thanks amundo. The possibility of getting my on place is exciting and scary. This place is really to far out and as I have said I just put in for any and everything. The rent is also very high for me and that has always been a major concern. Paying off my tax debt has been a priority.

Sharyn I hope your brother is getting good care and starting to make some progress.

Ahh!! Ali. We get so use to accepting the blame that we acutally feel guilty even when we are not. Seems she is blaming you becuase you knew she was high when she left spa. She knew she was high also. I am sure that if you felt she was in danger you would not have let her go off driving and that in a shell should alleviate your guilt. The levels of and states of being high are relative to the person. All I am saying is if I get into an accident or locked up for drunk driving how crazy to blame someone else. People fight say I am okay or get insulted and go on about their business. Sorry you beating your self up. She is an adult and is reponsible for her own actions and choices.

I am sensitive to this because that is what my narcissistic mother and sister have done to me all their lives. I resent it when I see it. Instead of facing their truth they blame and never grow never get corrected, never correct themselves. Then I am left feeling some type a guilt over shista I didnt do in every situation where something is amiss.

Please do not allow that masterful manipulation. She wants you to hurt too. Dont fall for it.

Meanwhile, I am feeling tight about my mothers's missing tv. Its abuse in a way. When I asked her about it she was like yes yes you see it tooo, but she cant say what happened. The PO nephew says no. He does not know what happended so this is something from my sister is a sick selfish puppy or my nephew whom I hate to say has theft history. It is wrong from them to take from her. I dont know what the case is but they dont sweep change her bed, feed her in spells and basically dont pay or care much about her.
She is in the house alone and all she has is the tv and some cruddy fingers has taken away a tv that my son bought for my mother.

I am waiting to speak to my care giver support social worker and her director. I dont have time while I am working. I hope my nephew cares enough about my mother to inquire to his mother and brother what happended. And I will put a sign on my sisters door asiking what happended to my mothers tv.

I am strongly considering making a police report. Its just plain old wrong.

Golden, I hope you feel better. I remember you posting about balancing the magnesium supplements. Do probiotics help.

I am checking out this Matt Kahn on utube some of his themes I agree with, makes so much sense but is easier said than done. I like his manner and I do know if you keep saying and doing you start to acutally believe. Like I have been brainwashed to be the foot stool for my family.

Oh how I wish I could just blink and be healed of all this sickness and craziness. And I know its going to get worse. And I know I dont know what to do about it. And maybe I should just let it go and watch how is plays out.

One thing I do know is I am focusing on keeping my head. My pressure didnt blow up. I didnt get that swollen head and neck feeling. And I am going to approach this situation slowly and methodicallly. Buit something needs to be done. I mean, dang, my mother doesnt have much of a life as it is. Those two tv's are her only company. I come in and find her standing in the kitchen talking and or arguing with the tv. This is crazy.

Ali, I've ended a couple of long term friendships in my life. It's unhealthy to stay in situations that are not good for you including friendships. I'm not saying this is what happened to you but I think people change, drift apart etc. Or in your friend's case maybe she just associates what happened to her with you cause she was with you that night.

But, in my case, I have always been more of the giver in most of my friendships. The one who phoned people up to make plans, lent money, was dissed when a man came into the picture, you know the drill. When I got into my thirties I got rid of old baggage and that included people that were not truly my friends and never truly had my back. I've been burned by a lot of women. When I was in elementary school it was my best friend since 1st grade that instigated the bullying against me that lasted throughout elementary school and long into high school. Women or in this case girls can be brutal.

I choose my friends really carefully now. In fact, I don't really have any true women friends anymore. My Mom was my bestie. There are a couple of people on Aging Care who I consider my friends and I've never met either but that's about it for friendships for me.

I hope that your friend resolves her issues and maybe you can still have her in your life.

FrazzledMama I’m putting in Job applications and looking elsewhere. I am lucky to get one day off in a two week period. And she’s only 53.

Everybody needs friends.
When it gets too hard, take a break.
No need to "announce" and "accuse" your friend of chaos. Sorry that happened with your friend, Ali.
Myself, felt used up over the holidays, so minding my own business with a neighbor, who came to expect I was somebody she could use up. When expectations do not meet yours, back up but do not burn any bridges. It causes them to panic. I am not a caregiver to my neighbors, really cannot call that friends.

I have difficulty with interpersonal relationships, so always look to myself as the issue. I was coached by a therapist years ago. However, sometimes, it is them, not you!

I love my friends here on AC! Sometimes it feels good just to see that they have been around, clicked "like" even if there is no time to write. I would choose my friends on AC over others. Maybe that is not healthy, but friends reach out, stay in touch, consider others, and all sorts of feel good things. Some friends are so polite, I strive to be like them.

Send, it seemed as if my friend was content enough to ghost me, but I wasn't ok with that. When a few months went by and she wasn't replying to my texts, and I could feel she was cold to me but I didn't know why, so I asked her... "Why?"

I asked her if she could put it into words, why she was mad at me. I think I'm catching some unfair blame, but really, it's not the point. She's paying dearly for her mistakes. And, she has to work on herself and she's right about that.

I think that it's difficult for people with Borderline PD, which she has, to have many close friendships in general. And then this friend in particular, E, has a tendency to be kinder on the outside than what she is thinking on the inside. She is emotionally giving more than she should too often and she doesn't seem to know how to balance that out very well for herself right now.

She really does need to do some work on herself, and I'm all for that. She's hit a major bump in her recovery. The only part I might be a little sad about is that she thinks that any of her issues are because of me, somehow. But it isn't like I don't understand the desire to blame someone else, even in part, for the problems in our own personalities and lives. Maybe it's true, and I'm just not that great for her right now, who knows.

Gershun, friendships certainly change, don't they? And friendships with women have a history of being more challenging to me, too, than friendships with men, but my friendships with women are also more rewarding and closer.

I just planned a short vacation for early February and I'm meeting up with good music buddy man friend from Portland, OR in Vegas for a few days. I wanted to take a short trip for fun in February and my first choice was to take bestie female friend. But she's busy with her own life and stuff right now. Sometimes men are just less complicated in certain ways and make better buddies. There's a lot of generalities implied in that statement but whatever works for you. We all need friends, however we get them, whatever flavor they come in.

I posted here in early December about my difficult daughter, but things have changed since for me. After a shattering discussion with the daughter 1 who is not giving me problems, I finally accepted that daughter 2 is now a different person from the particularly loving and empathetic person she was before she married age 30 or thereabouts. She is now self-centred, image-conscious, and not very tolerant. She is also ‘busy’, so is far less bothered by the falling-out than I am at age 71. Her children are not particularly pleasant, she only wants me to see them for ‘image’ photos, and it is making things even more painful for me. I will go non-contact until my heart heals. Reading other people’s problems at least helped me to realise that not all families are as close as my sisters and my late mother. Thank you.

Ali,
Was trying to be supportive.
What I meant was, your friend announced and accused you of chaos, and I thought that was unfair for her to blame you, for her own stuff. Make sense now?

Reading my post over (when you said there was a lot of generalities there), I go oops, what did I say? Except for my brief reference to you, I was speaking in general, not that it applied to you.

Did I mess up? Sorry. I see that I did not say what I meant, or even say anything of value.

I woke up this afternoon, in a bad place, tearful, on my way in to what I call a "funk". So I dug in my heels, prayed and recalled some things I had learned through therapy. It worked.

I had came in this morning and saw that empty spot where tv used to be and thought how F
*&^D up my family is, how messed up we are as a family, I felt the old pain, and hurts, wondering and knowing at the same time the source of this crazyness. The mental illness and how the dyfunction is passed on and continues. Then I remembered how my mother didnt even want me to watch either of the tv's, how she would turn them off while I was watching something or unplug them and put chairs and towels infront of them. And I thought oh wow, I had vowed she didnt ever have to worry about me getting her a tv again. Then here I am thinking to get another tv put a lock on the plug and then also chain it to the bars to window or something.

I just know things are going to get worse. I just dont know what to do to protect myself and my rights. I am so highly insulted at the invasion of trust and honor which is nothing new so why am I mourning this.

Also, I called place to make apt. for interview the woman says to be sure and bring in the disability certification. I had previously put visually impaired on my application form and have since changed it. I guess this was an older one. So I ask her what if I cant get form completed and she says I go on regular waiting list so that is where i stand now.

I was desparate for housing and decided to use my poor vision as a disability. I told I was very close to being legally blind in high school. I was eligible for an NYC bus driver postion, took test, passed and they stopped hiring before they got to my number. Then they called me again and I failed the vision they say the requirments were changed.

So here my trying to be smart backfired. So now I am kind of releived because the place was really too far out of my area of operation. I know I need to get out and I dont really think I can afford it.

Then I spoke to the social worker case manager who put me in for the therapy. I have to redo my intake again and they will most likely help me pay for the therapy.

The topper of my day was that I went down and heated up my mothers meal. She was sitting playing with stuff in a large suitcase and reading wording on an old block party banner. I sit there and start feeding her as she read and duig through bag. I am thinking I will have to start getting down earlier so I can take more time and feed her. Anyways when I come down to leave out she is smacking her lips and scaping the plate. Now that made my day.

Gershun, you are so right and your advice is always right on.

Ali, I admire your many qualities that I have noticed. You are so resilient and understanding. What you posted about your friend shows how much you loved and cared for her. That the growth and years of friendship was a period of growing to understand and embrace her. You seem to know and understand her innermost pain and turmoil and life experience. You are a wonderful person just becuase of that in my book. You love hard. People do move in and out of our lives. For a reason and sometimes a short season sometimes forever. Friends grow apart. Who knows what is in her heart now or what was. Move on, she has to find her own way and figure this out. Its difficult and thus the blame. But when someone shows you who they are believe them especially when it hurts you.

Hard.

You got good things going on, maybe new friends is in the mix. You have a beautiful heart.

Send, it was great advice, sorry if I took your clearly well meaning and generally aimed advice and turned it into something too personal to the specific situation. "It's all good," like they say in the common vernacular. I understood your intent with your comment; I think I had unfinished words to say about this girlfriend-breakup I just went through. It's an emotionally complicated situation and I don't blame her in the least for calling out her own boundaries.

I do feel like... I'm not the problem here, and that friendship with me isn't the problem. But she'll either figure that out on her own or she won't, and I cannot do anything now except get out of the way for her to do the work she must do on herself.

Thinking, no matter how kind and understanding, how mature, it may feel like rejection, or another loss. You are handling it well, Ali, imo.
Kudos to you! You are an example of a good friend. At her time of chaos, you
were very understanding.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=20UhjXpFX_c

Countrymouse,
Loved your reference.
Harvey and Rabbit tv ad deluxe version-youtube
for those not wanting to copy and paste.

Thank you Frzz and Duck regarding my brother. There are no updates on improvements. It is a sad situation. I’m hoping and praying with time he will come out the other side.

Hello all, Happy New Year.

I have tried to keep daily reports about my mother. To a minimum.

I had another argument with my elderly(78 in Nov.'2018) mother. Today she stormed in my bedroom to tell me 'something'. She yelled that the FBI are doing an investigation on Pres. Trump, as if I voted for him. I purposely didn't vote at all. Because of behavior like my mother's. That when it comes to politics, only she is right. When I said I don't care what Trump supposedly did(I can't find any headline on CNN about it), or how the FBI has supposedly reacted. She stormed out of my bedroom. My elderly parents'(father, mother, step-mother) are political 'junkies'. Like they need a daily 'fix' of political discussion. But my elderly mother's reactions about it are stratospheric. Maybe her unfortunately being diagnosed with HBP(high blood pressure). Will temper her 'political' behavior. Then again, maybe not.

Hang in there, Chris. It’s never really a new year, is it?? Your mother has a long history of not making sense. Find a way to keep your blood pressure down - and to heck with hers.

(((big hugs)))

((((((ali))))) that's tough about the g/f. Addicts blame others -what can I say. Rough life = many of us have had a rough life and some still are. It's not an excuse. However BPDs have a hard time with lots of things. You don't have much choice other than to let her go. It is her issue. Missing people is no fun. I am sorry for that part. I know about limited energy That's no fun either. Yeah - one step in front of the other...

duck - I wonder if the tv will turn up again, In any case it is wrong. Keep working on the apartment. Glad you are keeping your cool.

gershun - I have had to, too. One I found out was a prescription drug addict and one was a narc. Neither were good for me. Nasty grade one experience you had.

nomore - good luck with the applications

send - so true that everyone needs friends

Margaret - I am sorry. Sometimes you have to go "no contact" even with your children. Marriage can make a big difference. I was "no contact" with one son for 3 years - very much his wife's doing. I know it is her problem. Now it isn't formal but is obvious she wants nothing to do with us, so I see him once in a long while. Life goes on.

cm - the video is awesome. I needed it for totally different reasons

sharyn - always thinking of you and the health issues your family has been through

chris - Happy New year to you. It's tough with your mum. High BP wont help. Hope she takes her meds.

glad -hope you feel better soon.

Getting the executor stuff done, Didn't go south as the house I like has had an offer made on it. But, it has made me think again about what I want which is good. Little bit of a sore throat but I think I can get rid of it with zinc lozenges.

Brain fog is clearing - may have been mostly stress/grief related. Had a little work done on house repairs last couple of days and I am having a quiet day today. Progress not perfection!!! The days are getting longer and we have only about 6 weeks of possibly severe winter left. Yay!!!

Take care of you everyone. I bought some bubble bath for me and plan on soaking in it soon.

Golden, Blackhole- I was diagnosed with HBP before my mother. HBP runs' in my paternal family. It is one reason my grandmother died at 59(1973), She was also a smoker. But I don't go ballistic about things important to me. I do make an argument about something(my health, biking, discrimination, etc.). But I don't get fire engine red in the face, in the process.

Country, that was a nice flashback. I enjoyed it.

Chris, hang in there. Eventually she may move out of that stage into one that is easier on the nerves in general.
I am not sure what you were saying about the HBP but when my pressure is high I forget things repeat doing things and am acutually very mildly confused and dont even know it. After I keep forgetting where I put something and it right in front of my face. Or leave something in a store or a key in the door then I realize what it is. A high salt snack or treat can send very high for days.
Make sure she is taking her meds and not hoarding them like my mother.

Sharyn, my heart and prayers are with you and your brother. Its a tough road but like you I am sure he is a fighter and will come out of thisl.

Golden! Ah the tv was found by me a on my last day of work. I got off that morning, fell a sleep woke up late in the afternoon I noticed the door to parlor floor was open and it was cold. Went to close the door and low and behold there was the tv. There is this giant stove ion the parlor floor that my mother the hoarder salvaged from a friend moving to another state. It couldnt fit through doors and has been there for many years. I was not living there at the time but I went with her and this coleman who batch jobbed the shed when she got the stove, a van full of lampshades which were beautiful, and a bunch of ice chests and junk. A lot of that stuff is still in rooms. Anyway I will babble and go on and on often told to get to the point. Well the stove was blocking the view of the tv.

Now how it got there will remain a mystery. I was glad to see it. I dont know if it was returned or was there all along. It was very similar to the crockpot express cooker that I had bought brand new still in box missing. Now my mother did a lot of sabatoge in her life towards me but she did not move that big heavy box and put it in the bathroom. Well the tv about 40 inches wide was light. My mother has often taken all the cables apart and covers the screen with towells and things but has never moved it.

The thing is I felt bad if no one moved it out of malice. I felt bad for the thoughts and anger. I had typed up these nice notes about honor and the lack of understanding of how my mother was so active in all areas in her life and is left with televison as her only form of communciation with outside.........

Things I said need to be said but I know these would be ignored and read by illogical, tainted minds so I am glad I didnt post them.

But one thing I was proud of during this event was that I kept my head. I spent a lifetime giving the benefit of the doubt in situations and events concerning my mother and my sister. I know what they are capable of, seen them in action out side of myself.

I have so many demons to deal with but I have never tried to harm or hurt anyone. (except for my son's father, I tried to run him over with the car only it didnt pick up speed fast enough that was over 36 years ago)

I know I have been brainwashed by my mother from an early to be her crutch, blame for everything. I did it. I realize this meshing is far deeper than I could have imagined and that's painful also. I mean every stage she goes through, every change if she doesnt eat i feel down. I mean I dont even get upset when she comes in bathroom while I am on toilet or shower. I guess she broke me in and I am trained. I get tired of her high pitched hoarse chatterings. I realize all she wants is a similance of who she was, always planning or counting or checking so I go along. Then there is the conspiracy thing talking about some one or saying SHhh about someone supposedly near.

She has started banging on the door again but its not long like before. If I am half asleep I hear the door knob turning or her with a key trying to get in. One morning when I was off I was startled to awake hearing her in my room, I had left the door open. She would have had a field day!! LOL

Its hard......

Golden, the bubble bath sounds luxurious!!!!!! Enjoy.

Thanks all for bearing with my crazy.

This weekend while I was off I had this strong need to post. I was introspective in a positive way and grateful for what ever bought me here, and what ever led me to getting affordable counseling with no insurance, proud of my progress in dealing with stress and anger and pain that I live everyday.

Its very difficult texting on my phone even worse now that it seems to have a malfunction. Random calling people, and repeated calling. making a call while I am talking on phone. Phew so I just gave up hoping I would remember where my heart was.

Rays of love, light and happiness to all!

Golden, you are always so good about acknowledging everyone. How are you feeling these days? Better I hope.

As for my grade one experience. I know people blame their past experiences for their present day problems and it's wise to just get past it and move on. But I think the bullying by someone who I thought of as my first best friend ever left it's mark and shaped the person that I've become. I don't trust easy and I think I've left good people behind in the dirt because of my trust issues. But it's hard when you want to protect your heart to let just anyone into it.

Chris - I am gad you can keep your cool.

duck - ah you found it. It is good to be cautious before blaming. The bubble bath was great,

gershun -feeling better thank you, Now to get my sleep hours to a good routine, Bullying does leave its mark. and can quite seriously affect people as adults. Three of my kids were bullied at school. One quite severely. I approached the school gym teacher about bullying in his classes and he acknowledged it and said there was nothing he could do about it. My oldest son was being slammed up against the gym wall and nearly knocked out a few times. I was furious. In those days bullying was not the concern it is now and there was no recourse. We supported the kids at home when they were being bullied and made suggestions about how to handle it, He has grown up well and worked out any issues he had.

We are having a warmer day tomorrow so I am running errands.

Sandwiched again..... or soon to be. Dad moved in five years ago. Daughter moved in with hub 3 years ago, 2 years after moving in kicked him out of our house then a few months ago she moved out and in with a new BF (soon to be SIL, real nice guy). Other daughter just lost her job and is coming home. Still has a place but not sure for how long so may be the sandwich generation yet again.
I dont want to be the dad that says "sink or swim". I will give them every opportunity but getting tired of no alone time with my wife. Supposed to be planing a big vacation this year but may have to use some of that money to take care of crisis number 105 with daughter moving in (possibly). Dads car is tanking so may have to buy him a new used car as he has no money and we are not in an area that has transportation nor does he have the money for a car yet alone repairs.
Never having quiet time less than an hour.

TG I hope you have learned something from the last time, have an understanding from the very beginning about how long she can stay and about your expectations in regards to household chores, it will be much better to lay it all out from the start.

TG I remember some of what you posted in past. Its a hard way to go. From my stand point I would love to have family reach out. I have been taken for granted and used as doormat a lot. But I miss the feeling of what I thought was love, in my present isolation and position as outcast. You are a very loving person and its hard to embrace chaos. I wish you the best as you deal with the movement and growth in your family.

Today was one of those days. I was missing my son. spoke to oldest grand got a text from DIL that package I sent arrived and it felt so good to not be outcast and a thought to someone.

I have so many issues and it scares me sometimes thinking about some decisions and choices I have made and what in the world was missing, why didnt I love myself enought to reject certain issues with my mother and later my sister as normal and then continue to need that semblance of love. What happened to my self persevation button. I would have jump a tall building in a single bound for anyone else. Guess I should be on the whine line but I dont want to relive these thoughts. Although once when I was back and forth in different forums I ended up working my stuff out eventually in my posting.

Anyway my train ride was a lecture about the president and the wall and how things used to be in the 70's by a guy I see outside begging. In NY where I am every block you walk someone is asking for change some even state the dollor or five dollars. Then a man got on and he had a story about cancer. How he was diagnosed with bad exzema but it was acutally cancer and 3rd stage he learned when he came to NY. He said gave options on how to give him. Share the story or give him change. Its was sad, I gave him change and just partly shared the story. So that still had me a little sad and then I get on the bus and this woman with a toddler and baby sat next to me and the baby was crying and just stopped when I started to guu guu gaa gaa her, everyone near was doing same and it was so funny to see people from all walks and ages frown again when she started crying again. Well seeing that youth and innocence and love made me feel a tad better. Sometimes I get tired of feeling like poop.

I am still trying to get approval for a pelvic mri, and have apts set next month about the thyroid biopsy and Gastric issue. These past few week the gastric pain started to flare up so I am back on those meds. So I will be busy enough and then I will be glad to complete my promise to take Shams' children iceskating. so far they are doing okay. They have a lot of support from the church and friends of family. I am looking forward but dont have the level of motivation so it bother me.

So thanks for letting me vent. I guess I will go back to my hobbie - tv series. I am almost finished binge watch reign and am in the last season now. Cant wait for start trek to return that was really good. Ooh,and I watched "What They Had" which is a movie about a family dealing with aging.

Rays of light , love and peace to you all. Sleep Tight.