The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Tg, Cwillie , is right on point as usual.

NIght Night for real.

TG, there's nothing wrong with being the parent that says, "Sink or swim." They have to learn their own way sometime. I understand though that losing a job is something out of one's control. Is there any way maybe you could help her with the first 3 months' rent on an apartment instead? That would help her get back on her feet but at the same time encourage her to be self-sufficient without making her too dependent on you, plus would give you and your wife more alone time, which is important for your marriage. Plus, you and your wife really do need the vacation. I think you should go ahead and take it if at all possible.

Just got screamed at and cursed at for using the vacuum cleaner. Because I break everything (I have never broken anything of theirs, in fact their son is the one who always breaks stuff, not on purpose) I touch. I have to do everything by hand, which makes me wonder why did he spend so much money on expensive vacuums and dishwashers if I cannot use them.

Cinderella is going on strike. I’m done here. My health is going down the toilet and I don’t have insurance...

I was Rx'd Seroquel/quetiapine today. It's a very small mg dose according to my doc, but may help with some mood swing issues I have... maybe. I'm game to try something new. I'm not taking anything in the way of psych meds right now besides the occasional diazepam. I thought it might be of interest here on AC because this medication is more commonly prescribed to elderly dementia patients if they have agitation, at least that was my impression.

I have no idea what to expect. I'm going to start with half of the prescribed dose because I've had good success with starting a new med that way in the past, taking it very slow.

Ali, what is the prescribed dose? My mom started with 12.5 mg, once a day. I would not touch it, there must be another med. Maybe a different doctor?

It is prescribed off label for elderly with agitation/sundowning behaviors. It is actually commonly used for schizophrenia, I think. It is an antipsychotic.

It's 50mg daily dose. He said that was a "very small" dose! Ayyy. Look, I'm going to try it. I've tried the whole catalog of SSRI/SNRI, DNRA, benzos, at this point. It's something different. He's knows it's just a "try." But I'm ready to try something different to see if it will help. I have mood swings bad enough to cause me to miss days of work this past year, and as recently as last week. I think I'm improving but I want more tools, too. :-(

He thinks I could have some of the bipolar type 2 symptoms and he's right, I do. This med is not first line med for that, he said, but it is included in treatment options for bipolar 2.

I'm going to start with a tiny, tiny dose then. I thought someone here might have some input about it, which is why I mentioned. I'm going to try it though because I have nothing to lose and I'd like to have my symptoms fully under control. I'm 44 next month. How many years of my life are going to be spent managing mental illness symptoms? I'm tired of it. If I can get relief, I have to try. Thanks for the input, though.

I've been on Wellbutrin and Lamictal for my bipolar I. My psychiatrist put me on Seroquel at one time, but I found it made me very drousey. I have a new psychiatrist and she put me on Latuda which was recently approved for bipolar depression. It works well at 40 mg.

I just want to apologize about my last post.

TG what I was trying to say was that its an honor to be the head of the family,and being there for your loved ones. There is a line to be drawn when being taken for granted. I am coming from a very sensitive place and feelings of isolation and at times my sensiitivity over rides common sense.
.
Some times I get stuck on stupid. Go back to being so sensitive. I think I am doing something right and it blows up and keeps blowing up. I am not blaming just seeing some left over threads of sabotage. I feel if I am hurting from it then they have won. I want to stop hurting.

Trying to find the key. Maybe I never will but I have not choice but to keep trying. Its painful to see how deep and far reaching some scars go in me and my life.
Other stuff I want to share but I feeling to out of sorts to put it in words so I will leave it
Off for a few days. Got a medical apt. See lawyer soon. Maybe its underlying anticipation about health and lawyer and state of this family.

Just lost a lot of my post.

I wish you all the best.

Ali, I wouldn't recommend Seroquel. I was prescribed it off-label to help with insomnia. It was definitely not a good fit for me. I took it one night and had a total meltdown. I was having flashbacks to my Mom's last nights in the hospital. And I mean total flashbacks. I could smell the hospital, hear the sounds, you name it. I ended up walking the streets at 4 am. that night just trying to shake it off. Add to that the clogged nose I got with it. Maybe you'll have better luck but I would advise not taking it.

Ali, one of my best friends is on Seroquel for depression and it has been a miracle drug for her!

Ali

based on the Viking's experience, seroquel may knock you for a loop

she was initially given 12.5 mg which kept her in bed all day and did nothing to calm her

rather than keep increasing it, we switched her to a different 2nd generation anti-psychotic and now have her on a very low dose - a quarter of the original

I admire you for seeking our help as so many don't

Thanks to all of you for your input. I knew you guys would have seen this medication in action first hand, or have experienced your own trial-and-error with various psych medications. Thanks for the feedback.

I don't have depression as a primary symptom. I have history of chronic fatigue and anxiety disorder, and some mood swings that may fit cyclothymia or bipolar 2.

I started the Seroquel last night, took only a fraction of the tablet to try it. I feel like someone slipped me a mickey. I think for me, the sedating effect is going to be too counter productive to my already persistent fatigue issues!

Ya can't give me something that makes me more tired because I'm already the most tired person I know! So even if the point is to calm the mind, the overall effect is that I feel sedated, not calm.

I'm contemplating how much more trying of this I want to do. I want to tell my doc I tried it so we can cross it off the list. I told him I tried the mirtazapine he Rx'd 2 months ago for 5 days and he said something like "not much of a trial." Thing is, I have had bad reactions to mirtazapine in the past so it wasn't unexpected for me to have increased jumpiness and angina after 5 days, since that's what I experienced before. Ugh.

I'm doing ok without medication insomuch that I'm meeting most of the demands on my life -- my job, getting other necessary things done. I still have plenty of bad days but maybe trying all these things right now isn't a good idea.

These last two experiences are making me rethink this. The psilocybin regimen has helped some, I know that for sure. Maybe I should just let my brain get used to that psychoactive substance's effects longterm... and just wait a bit to see what symptoms I still have that are bothersome enough to warrant trying a medication.

tg -sometimes life really pushes us. I hope this daughter doesn't have to move home. Can you take your wife for a date regularly?

duck - I wrote this on another post A child whose parents abuse it doesn't stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself. We have to learn to reparent ourselves.

fraz - how are things?

nomore - I am glad you are done, You have to look after yourself. It sounds awful!

ali - might be worth trying some of the bipolar drugs. My dd has been through quite a few meds and seems to have a decent combination now. Like you, I can tell very quickly if something suits me or not.

Ali, i must say i am relieved! I worry about you, just a couple of years older tham my oldest daughter. Are you frequenting the gym?

Are you friggin kidding me? Dad calls me today, I am out with my daughters for lunch. One just lost a great job in a big city and is home the other soon to be married but doesn't know it yet (we do). I will be paying for a while I am sure. He asks to borrow $300. I ask why, "I can go to Cozumel". Are you kidding me? Yeah with a friend? Sure I say playing along.... Turns out he is serious. He had his passport out this AM on his desk ( I thnk it may be out of date). Turns out his FREIND from Church had a sniff with another guy and aparently this is all paid except for his air fare. 8 days in Cozumel.
The guy cant walk across the kitchen without holding on to something. I've been to Cozumel, its not an old person friendly place/. He hates the beach! Hasn't said a word since I have been home. Apparently he is leaving in a week.
I am so pissed I cant see straight. He has no money, he barley makes the month. How is he going to do a week in Mexico?
Here I am dealing with one kid out of work and at home and going to be paying for an apartment in NYC. I cant afford to go on vacation myself as I may have to by a car for him as his is going to crap.
Well his car is his problem now...... I am sure my sister will say sure go on vacation!
I cant even see straight. He lives with me I pay the bills and he goes on vacation and I am stuck here..... araghhhhh
I am so done I am ready to leave........................................

Glad, I was exercising (1 hour a few times a week) for all of 2018 and I'm still doing it. I thought the exercise would help with my anxiety and it does help, but it doesn't fix it. I still have a lot of symptoms. Honestly the psilocybin regimen I did (and will keep doing as needed) seems to have improved my symptoms the most so far. I don't get the headaches -- that I associate with how I experience anxiety -- anymore right now. It's only been a few weeks without a headache but I can tell that I feel much better inside my brain lol. I have a long way to go but it's good to get small improvements.

I want to try some of the bipolar medications, some of the anti-psychotics. One good thing about doing the exercise regularly is that it helps me pin down what symptoms have to be "mental illness" vs what symptoms are "I feel like doo doo because I have a sedentary lifestyle." I've always felt worse when I'm not exercising. I need the little bit of extra energy and agitation-burnoff that exercising helps me to feel. I'm much too tired otherwise, uncomfortably so. Chronic fatigue is my normal for a long time now.


Tg, I think I'd go a little nuts with resentment if I were in your shoes. Your elderly father wants to borrow money for a Mexican vacay without any awareness of how much you're being put upon on all sides right now.

tg, maybe this is a good time for a solid "no." As in, "No Dad, I don't have the extra money to pay for your vacation." As for your sister - does she know his car is on its last legs?

Ali, it's so good that you exercise. I was regularly too before Christmas but fell off the exercise wagon again as I tend to do when Hubs is away. I almost have to have some kind of goal with my exercise or I won't do it. Before Christmas I was saying to myself I must look good for Christmas cause I know how everyone in my family is so looks conscious and aren't afraid to tell you if you don't look good and it stings when they do. So now that's over so I need another goal. I know I should just be doing it for my health but it doesn't hurt to be able to put your skinny jeans on again and not have that fat roll hanging over the waistband. That feels good too.

I become very self destructive when Hubs leaves town. I sleep too much and just get really down and so on. I'm taking Effexor and ativan to help me sleep occasionally but maybe I need to change it up. Who knows.

I hope you can straighten out your meds to where it suits you Ali.

I want to scream...my brother called to tell my mother that his brake line is broken and he needs to get it fixes. Like always he is expecting my mother to fix it because she always does. He is her golden drug addict son! She can't afford to fix his truck. I have been paying the taxes and house insurance that she was suppose to pay. Plus, I have been paying for most of the little things for the house. My mother has to file bankruptcy because of her debt that my brother helped to created. Now, she thinks she should pay for my brother's truck. This is the same thing over and over! I have told her and showed her how she has hurt my BF and my finances. She said she was sorry, but here she goes to do it again! I can't take it anymore. I just want to walk away from her and let the chips fall where they may. She is not taking her meds which is frustrating because she is lying about taking them, and I can tell that she isn't! Just venting!!! Thank God for this forum:(

TG - if dad’s passport is still valid, that might be the best 300 bucks you’ll ever spend. 8 whole days without Dad. He’ll be in another country! On his own and unable to use you as his sin eater when he takes issue with the food...the weather...his church mate. Adios!

TG, why are you going to be paying for an apartment in NYC? Are you moving here?

tg - hope you are saying "No" to some of the financial demands. With second marriages many pay for their own. Kids need to become self sufficient. That is part of our job as parents. I get that dad is a pain and a drain, and he will continue to be a drain as long as he is enabled to be. The pain part is harder - breaks from him help.

ali - I am impressed that you are still exercising. Good for you. Have you checked yourself for ADD or ADHD. That;s what my dd came up with for herself and the meds are helping. She had a lot of anxiety. Exercise helps her much too. I agree small sustainable improvements are good.

gershun - may be a meds review would be good. Sounds like depression when your hub is away.

shell ((((((hugs))))) - the sooner your mum files for bankruptcy, the better, then she will not be in a position to help your bro so much. Aaargh to golden children who only want to take, take, take! Vent anytime!!!!

Had a great day Thursday. Even though it was minus 17 F, it was nice b/c there was no wind!!!! I did lots of things, and am paying for it since but it sure felt good and I enjoyed being out. Think I have everything sent off to the lawyer re the estate except the taxes. 2018 will not be completed for a while. I have washed all the clothing of mother's that I kept and I think most, if not all, of it will go to the thrift shop. I just needed to be sure. I have two laundry baskets with papers, books, framed photos, artwork etc to go through, and that is all here from the NH. There is a little furniture stored in the south that I will keep. My dd wants once larger piece of art from Haiti, which I don't, so that is great. Slowly it is happening. I am still feeling more relief that anything else, but who knows what's ahead. One day at a time.

This should go in the whine thread but I am here now. I bought some bubble bath, and had two great baths with it and realized I am allergic to it - itchy neck etc. The really bad part is that on ebay I bought 2 bottles of some expensive bubble bath - Crabtree and Evelyn rosewater, the scent of which I love, and wonder if I will be allergic to it. Oh well, small whine. Someone else can enjoy it if I can't.

Take care all. Do something good for you..

Ok, so I lost this long drawn out post. To say I had a good few days off. My mother is eating better. That I have been in a different kind of funk realizing the effect who I really was to my mother and sister and the effect it had on my son. Them being the main adults in his life who were examples of how to treat me. Thankful that though love and God that he does not feel that way about me and hurting from the ripple effect of my choices and ignorance.

I know I have got to find a way to get what was missing back then and even now that I accepted such subtle rejection and sabotage, that I didn't see the effect short or long term. I can go on and on. I have lots of faults and failings there I just some thing I could never do or fathom anyone else doing. Not knowing the things I didnt know, I dont know. ARhhhh!! This is life, I just want to get it right one time.

Ali I wish you the best in resolving the health issues. I know paxil (week before monthly) and welbutrin had me in a nice beaustiful colorful place in 2001 when I was trying to quit smoking from the horrible cough after volunteering at the WTC. So many new meds out, so many side effects. Some doctors are excellent at connecting the dots.

Rays of love, light and wisdom to all, from my heart.

Duck, you are far too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. We learn from them and grow. Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I'll show you a boring dolt. Ease up on yourself.

I am still a bundle of nerves. my anxiety attacks had dimished quite a bit and now its back to regular. I have to stop and think of a relaxation technique from therapy and then just say wtf.

I have apt with lawyer tomorrow I am scared and nervous as hell. I made list in my phone, about concerns and went into prayer with friend who is a strong prayer warrior and like a brother. Not strange but as usual I felt better and more at ease feeling hopeful and positive again. I expressed my pain with my son. I never meant to cause him any pain or hurt. I know what its like to feel a certain kind of ache in my heart as a kid but I was not surrounded by role models who were trying to sabotage my parents or anyone.

It all comes into play but I am just hoping to beable to communicate my concerns ands needs mainly for my mother and also my own personal sercurity and rights as far as the house is concerned.

I still have moments about Sham, acutually many loved ones. I keep dreaming about my girlfriend Deb and my cousin Larry. I wake up feeling good and better. But daily walking in that house and looking at my mother walking around, truly babbling, lashing out when I touch her hair or check to see if she has on undies in the same tone and words that I always heard is so painful.

The weather here has turned cold so I put an extra quilt on her bed before I left for work yesterday. I must have left microwave on washingmachine because it was on the floor. done by my sister. This touches a cord inside me now. so I went up and put the microwave in what was a kitchen ion the middle of the floor. I felt stupid to feed it but what else can I do. That is just as dangerous. Why cant she just use that energy and just put it back on fridge its not like its every day.....

So I live this bs daily. Then feel outcast and alone. Then the enemy lays on the special handywork about whats close and dear to me.

Gershun thank you, I am just facing a reality within my self. On the outside I present this stoic, together person, on the inside I am just like a little to be held and loved and revered and cherished like I saw with my sister. I have to get a hold onto what makes me flashback there, so I can deal with the present ripples in my life and relationships. Sometimes after enough negativity, my hope dimisnishes and I just fall in this pit. Got to find the key in myself to stop this crazy merry go round.

Shayrn, I hope all is well. I think of you and your brother.

Gershun, I miss the updates on the house. How did you do with the blue glass, the lighting.

Frazzled, I hope all is well.

This government shut down in US is crazy. Then every dagg on day I leave the house there is someone begging for money in the store, fast food place, subway , laundry..... its going to get worse if this shut down continues. Its depressing. But it lights me up to come on board here. It warms my heart sometimes justs reading posts and seeing the care and support.

(((HUGS))) to all.

I think you mean't to ask Glad about blue glass and lighting not me Duck.

Hi all, just getting caught up. Been busy with business and house related stuff and go later this morning with mom back to the diabetes specialist, yippee! (Tongue firmly in cheek there :) Psych doctor made another med change last week. She kept her other meds the same, but added a very low dose of Thorazine to help with the hallucinations and paranoia, since mom said she still feels afraid and hearing voices and is thinking that someone is going to break in and harm her. It seems like the last med change (increasing the dose of Neurontin) did help her anxiety some, but didn't do much for the paranoia. Hopefully this will help. I've heard some very mixed things about this drug, but it's one we've never tried, so I guess it might be worth it to see if it helps her.

DDDuck, I understand what you mean about missing that mother connection you don't have. I used to feel the void quite a bit. I think maybe that's why some of my female friends are my senior, maybe I've always looked for a mentor or for wisdom of ladies older than me, and I'm thankful I have known some wonderful ladies who are good examples of wives and mothers that I have looked up to and tried to learn from over the years. One was my first pastor's wife, who kind of took me under her wing when I was a young adult and helped me to have confidence by encouraging me as a person and just by being an example of the kind of person I want to be. She was always so kind and optimistic, and her faith in God truly showed. She passed away several years ago from cancer but she had a huge impact on my life. I have learned too in many ways to lean on faith, and have kind of learned some things as I've gone along, sometimes muddling through. I still think it would be nice to have a mom I could call for advice and reassurance once in awhile, but it just is what it is. Some things I can say made me stronger because I had to sink or swim. You are a strong lady too. But, it's okay for us not to be strong sometimes too, even just having a good cry or a good nap and being gentle on ourselves.

Shell- It is very frustrating and infuriating when siblings take advantage of our parents and then we have to clean up the mess. Hopefully the bankruptcy lawyer can help you and your mom to sort it all out and protect mom from being taken advantage of further by your brother. For some reason it sounds like she feels obligated to "help" him, even though it's really enabling his habit. Is there any way she would let you handle her remaining finances? That way, she wouldn't have to tell brother no, if that's what she is afraid of, but you certainly could and could put a stop to the borrowing.

Golden- Ugh, taxes are such a pain. I still need to do mom's. Those are bout as fun as watching paint dry. I'm allergic to some of the bubble bath and bath beads and stuff too. I love that some of it makes the water look so pretty and smells nice too, just hate that it's irritating to the skin.

I'm glad you're feeling some relief at being able to get some of the stuff sorted and wrapped up. I know it's been a long road for you, and you deserve to have it all behind you so you can do some fun stuff that you enjoy.

Frazzled thanks for the understanding.

Gershun, dang! My apology. I think of you Golden and Glad as the 3 G's and very wise women. I did try a to go back and get my facts straight before and got frustrated.

I just woke from brief nap tbinking about lawyer and decided to cbeck in gave me a little chukle. Think ill stick to the page im seeing. Lol.

Have a goodday everyone. Im going to try and get another nap in before i get up and out. Phone posting is so tedious....

Duck, I like the 3 G’s term! It is fitting. I don’t know if any of the good people dealing with anxiety are familiar with Mel Robbins, you can find her on YouTube. She has a lot of good info on resetting our thinking to pull us out of an anxiety attack. She does recommend therapy and medication if ones anxiety is interfering in daily life.
Best thoughts to everyone!