The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

We have had lots of sunshine here which always perks me up with highs in 40’s and ccalm winds. It’s been rather nice.

My 16 year old Tiger kitty has lost weight, increased appetite and thirst. I was concerned it was kidney failure and had him tested. Turns out he has hyperthyroidism and it’s easily treated with meds.

Stacey, many changes and a new journey for you and your hubs. Exciting, new and good changes. I hope you find a condo you love soon!

I just cannot keep up with all the comments here, so many struggling.
Right now hubs is doing well. He is back to driving to some of the many appointments. But it’s only a matter of time, the inevitable complications of severe arterial disease, two bouts with cancer, and his emotional instability revisit. Each illness is worse than the last. There are still a lot of procedures I have to take him to, manage pre-op instructions, medications, perform all homemaking chores, shopping, etc. it wears on me, being early diabetic, needing a cane to walk, toting my oxygen around for my lung disease.
But right now he’s doing better than he has for months. I’ll take it.
As far as my dysfunctional family, even though both abusive, narcissistic parents are gone, the Flying Monkeys still Circle me. I’ve gone no contact with most all family. Yet today my golden haired sister still trying to pull me back in with an email, wondering if I’m ignoring her. Hell yes, now that I understand her rage when our mother died. They all rage at me. Even had a meeting and all ranted about me while they hurriedly cleaned out mother’s belongings, before letting me know she had passed. Really sick way to scapegoat your own sibling. But now I understand, and no longer give any of them the audience. There is no point in explaining anything to a golden haired sibling. They like their elevated standing in the family. They scapegoat to keep themselves elevated. Sorry, sis, you drank the kool aid. Only you can stick your finger down your own throat and come clean of your own sickness. For me, choosing mental sanity.

Gershun (((((hugs))))) agreed about friends here. I am sorry you are blue. I wonder if the sad thoughts are trying to get out rather than in, You must have sad feelings and thoughts inside about the loss of your mum and other things. Maybe they are trying to be expressed. When we express our sad feelings we feel better after and are resolving our grief.. When we shut down our feelings, all feelings get shut down - pleasant and not so pleasant. We numb ourselves from grief pain this way, but we also numb ourselves from the good feelings that come with opening ourselves up to others, and the grief pain is still there affecting us. I think many find it easier to open up on line as you have much more control over the amount of connection you have with anyone, One click and they are gone if you need that!

I totally understand you not feeling safe with your sis. I don't feel safe with mine either.

Yes, God knows what is gong on with you more than you do, and He loves you and wants you healed. Sorry I am late in answering. I still have this inertia. Hopefully it will go soon. "As slow as molasses in January." I feel like I am encased in it.

sharyn - sunshine is lovely no matter the temp! Your weather sounds great! Sorry Tiger is not well but glad there is an easy solution. He is a decent age.

girlsaylor - glad your hubs is doing well. Wow he has a lot of health issues and you have a lot of work and your own health issues. Oh dear - the golden haired sister thing. You are totally right. There is no use explaining anything to them, I am in careful contact now arranging mother's funeral, but when that is over - sayonara, baby!!!

We are in the worst of the worst winter This morning at 10 am it was -41.8 F feels like -56 F. It's a little better now and getting better during the week. The worst of it will be over soon. Meanwhile, I am in hibernation mode and want to sleep a lot and not do much The probate document is ready to be signed so I will travel south to do that, but not till the weather is a bit better. I don't want to travel at these temperatures. I don't think it is wise. Last time I flew down we had to walk across the tarmac to the terminal, I am not risking doing that at 35 below in a wind.

One blessing - I can use the lovely and expensive bubble bath Yay!!! Crabtree and Evelyn have gone out of business in Canada, but I can get some on line for now.
Enjoying the longer days and looking forward to the warmer weather that IS coming.

Take care. all. Be good to you.

Thank-you Golden. You are right. Intellectually I know what I should and should not do. Emotionally, not so much. And yes, I do have my guard up with my sister. Actually my whole family. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I'm by myself again.

If you are encased in molasses, then I must be encased in congealed oatmeal. I know I eat enough of it. :P

You guys are just the best! Thank you all for understanding, being non-judgemental. I am sorry to have so much company here on this thread. But amazed to learn others understand I am not mad, that dysfunctional families are lifetime emotional burdens.

So because I don’t have health insurance and have a horrible pain in my right hip I decided to do a really fancy nice manicure. She complained because it isn’t practical, yet I still prepared her food, cleaned the bathrooms, styled her hair, painted her nails, mopped the floors, washed all the dishes and fetched her drinks. I’m limping around and I have no way out, no better job awaits, but I’m darn good at what I do and I look good. She’s jealous. Which is sad because I started doing this because I wanted a mother to love me and I am starting to realize that most women don’t have any capability to love a daughter or a daughter figure. I’m realizing I have to love myself...

Nomore, I sympathize but disagree about the "most women don't have any capability to love a daughter or daughter figure" I look around and see lots of mothers loving their daughters. I think sometimes we experience things and then see the whole world through our experience, which is natural to do but doesn't always paint an accurate picture.

It’s just been my experience. Maybe it’s the region but the majority of women I’ve known around here view younger women including their daughters, nieces, and daughters in law as useless, as someone to do menial chores for them or just competition. Abusive marriages and worse things are routinely swept under the rug and daughters and young women seem to be badly neglected...they get stuck in bad
abusive marriages themselves and continue the cycle. I’m in a very economically depressed and conservative region and I am slowly suffocating under the weight...

No More. It is sad to hear your recent post. Have you tried to find any support groups covering different subject matters? It seems that in general more issues are being addressed in this era although it may be harder to find in certain areas but I would think if you search you may find some. Often hospitals offer some. I hope you can find some relief from your despair.

No more, you do have to love yourself. It is hard when self love and care have not been modeled. It is hard accepting that the woman who gave birth to us cannot accept us as we are. Many of us have experienced this. We talk so much about setting boundaries with family and others; it is necessary to have boundaries. You say you are young, learning boundaries and limit setting is something you should consider. There are many websites that talk about boundaries....check them out and decide if it is something you want to do.

For those here who are grappling with severe effects from malignant narcissism from a parent, if it’s allowed, I found a forum on psych central, for C-PTSD. It seems to have some followers posting who have been targeted by usually mothers, at the worst end of the narcissism spectrum. Many have been and still are being abused by their narc’s Flying Monkeys. If not okay to post about another group, I apologize. Just trying to offer a possible online group option. The folks here are wonderful, but as narcissism, like autism, exists on a spectrum, maybe a bit more targeted forum may be another resource.
Have a beautiful day, all.

Wow! Never saw these before, nor heard of them. Ghost apples on trees in Michigan after ice storm. Just saw this on the news.

Shout out to Stacey! Hope all is well after Winter Storm Maya! We are currently under severe storm warning for the same storm, but not as severe as your area received. Stay safe everyone in the path of Maya.

So now Mom is in a dark mood again. She's fairly cheerful for a while, then you just walk on eggshells waiting for the bottom to drop out. I live over 4 hours away, which she's been saying more and more oh I wish you were here. Nope, not happening. Even though I'd love to change jobs, I'm getting close to retirement, and it'd be just stupid to switch up now. I'm one of the 'go to' people at work, so even though I grumble, it is a pretty secure job. I've got a 2 story home, as most are here. I hear how I did it on purpose (2 stories) so she couldn't come here (she cannot navigate stairs now). I should have consulted her, got her opinion before I dared buy a home. I'm just selfish.
She had a big old meltdown the other day when I called her. She really wanted to get in a big fight, and I put the phone on mute, saying maybe 3 or 4 sentences. It really upset her, because she just loves attention, even if a big fight. I'm done with it. So she hasn't answered her phone now for a couple of days. Kind of new, but she does pout when you're in person, so this is just an extension.
Weather has been bad, so no travels there since the holidays. Holidays were not good at all, so not anxious to be visiting again.
Her latest complaining was that she had to put her Christmas decorations away. Well, tried to tell her to put out a table top tree, but it was too small for her. Always has to have bigger and better than anyone else. Honestly, if she wants to put all of that stuff out, which isn't necessary, then it's hers to deal with when it's time to put it away. She thinks that my brother and I would bitch if she didn't put out decorations. Nope. Could not care less. I'm pretty much done with any holiday or celebration, as it's miserable. It's her complaining endlessly. As my brother told her (when he blew up at her) nothing is ever enough. He pops in and delivers things (groceries, mail) and may do small household tasks. She leaves it to me to do all of the cleaning, laundry, etc. Last time I was there, I was rushing to get packed and leave. She was very calmly sitting reading the morning newspaper, watching the local news. As soon as she saw me, she started crying, "I need your help!". Ok, what? She'd wet the bed. The whole story was suspect; she sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes as she felt she had to go to the bathroom, but didn't get up. We have bought personal hygiene pads, pads for the bed, etc. So yes, I had to stay extra and do more laundry. I said (again) you need to wear heavier pads or get Depends underwear, plus a mattress protector that actually isn't threadbare. She doesn't even try to be proactive. She then cried and said why me? Uh, it is VERY common, and she's not senile. I'm almost tempted to say she does it for attention; she has always had to be the center of attention. Her friends are less receptive to her calls, distancing themselves. I got her a cell phone and pad, which she then said the cell phone is 'stupid' and she can't sit on the internet all day! I didn't say it had to be all day, but she'd said she was the only one who couldn't get online. Well, there you go. Again, nothing is ever enough.
She'll call me again when she needs something. She had a little pouting spell about two weeks ago, then had laryngitis and called me asking what to do. I knew she was over her cold when the typical complaining started up again.
She keeps wanting to come for a visit, even saying she'd just set up her bedroom in my living room (due to stairs). No that won't happen. I had entertained the thought of a brief visit, but with every little episode that idea dims more and more.
Thanks to all for letting me vent. Such a helpful forum, knowing I'm not the only one who struggles with an elderly parent.

Sissisu- Right on! Do not allow her to hijack your life.

SharynM, Yes this Storm Front is Crazy! We have about 11 inches, with 3-6 more expected tomorrow in the late afternoon, and Another round coming even later in the week! This type of heavy snowfall is unusual for the Seattle area, but it is definitely pretty if you have the provisions and can stay home, hunker down and enjoy it!

Tthankfully my husband was able to get out and about, get groceries, gas, Rx's, a take & bake Pizza and get back before the next round of snow starts up. We are So Lucky to have had our move all buttoned up befor this latest storm hit, wow that would have been a Mess!

After a few days of all this snow, I am over it. I don't know how you folks who live with a whole Winter of snow on the ground do it, but I guess you must get used to it.

I hope you all are fairing well, as it sounds like most of the country and Canada is being hit by some form of bad weather, so you all take care now! Love Stacey

Some of us never get used to it (spent many years in FL and CA), but not willing to leave my hubby to escape.... oh well...

(((HUGS))) to everyone. Just checking in to say hi. I am not caught up and miss you guys. Same old S&^^5T going on just a different day. Lots of same of stuff going on plus doctors appointments trying to resolve some issues.


I hope everyone is fine and in good spirits.

Much love to all. Happy Valentines Day! Be safe, be well and be good to yourselves.

gershun - I don't eat molasses!!!! lol Actually I don't even have it in the house. There are grief exercises online. A good group can really help, but you had a bad experience. One thing I found hard after my youngest son died was the terrible bouts of crying. I was afraid if I "gave in to them" I was going to get lost in the darkness and never come out of it. But I learned that I always did come out and to just let it happen. Grief needs to be expressed. At that time we learned about the 4 T's of grief recovery Tears, Talk (or writing). Toil (like new rituals for special days), and Time if you do the other 3. Now they have 6 Ts a bit different. Any way of expressing your feelings helps.

nomore -I am glad you look good. That always helps. I see you are part of the club of those whose mothers were/are unable to nurture them. We survive anyway by parenting ourselves and getting some help from friends and so on. Keep venting. it's not my experience that most women can't mother, but mine certainly couldn't.

girlsaylor -good suggestions. My mother had borderline personality disorder and narcissism. I did join a BPD group once.

Sissisu - keep up the boundaries. Mother (passed in December) used to visit but I had to put a stop to it as her demands were too great. Last time (some years ago) she took the bus up and then said she wasn't leaving till I drove her back. I was working full time and it is a five+ hour drive. The whole time was complaints, negativity and put downs, They don't want solutions they want to be the centre of your world. No thanks, I didn't sign on for that. Come back and vent any time, We understand.

glad - I saw pics of those snow apples. Unique!!!

stacey - thank goodness you moved before the storm. So very well done. Time now for you and hubby to relax a bit. Hoe you are snugly settled in at your sis's place. and warm!!!!
mally - got to go where the guys are!!!

Hi duck -stay warm, Happy Valentines Day to you too.

Been taking a break The weather has been so cold it affects me even though I mostly stay indoors. My oldest son agrees that it freezes your brain. The Siberian front has moved away from us but is still in effect further south where I have to head to sign the probate document. Next week will be OK hopefully. It is the windchill in the -30s and - 40s which is so bad.

Got a pile of unopened mail staring at me balefully. I'll get to it eventually. I am having some grief reactions but not the normal missing ones -more like anger that I still have to be doing stuff. This too will pass.

Deep breaths.

After all, tomorrow is another day and all that good stuff. Frankly my dear, I don't give a d...!!!

On the bright side, even at these low temps my car starts, if somewhat reluctantly. It is in the garage, but not plugged in. Good vehicle!

Take care all - group (((((((hug))))))).

UGH! Twisteds! Probate! Trust! Estate! Secrets! No responses! Back to dysfunction. Mom has been gone for a year and a half now. Still the same nonsense!

Asked for full accounting two months ago, nothing! Spends 35K in four years for storage of mom's business items and fabrics, then TS2 thinks she will donate and keep some? Asked if she was buying, then she stated she was going to charge the estate for her bookkeeping, when the accounting cannot even be obtained?

Just plain nuts!

Is anyone else having trouble posting? The spinner just keeps spinning and spinning!

So sorry, glad. She really is impossible -out for everything she can get.
Legal action may be the only route, I think she is derelict in her duties.

No spinning here, Everything is working fine.

She is an idjut!

With the distribution she wanted me to sign a day before Christmas, the am out was 35K less than she has said just a month or so before. Oh, maybe she forgot about that money she used for something or other.

I sent an email tonight giving her a deadline of March 1.

If ts2 keeps the stuff that was stored, shouldn't she also pay the estate for the cost of the storage?

Tokay, I am angry. My mim is whining about what she cant do and doesnt have. She can walk with a walker, needs help dressing and bathing, her mind is in tact. I am home with her 90% of the time. She us blessed.

Welcome GABMEA2. That sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation. Your profile says your relationship with your mum has been shaky. I guess it still is. Yes she is blessed to have you looking after her. Some people see their glass as half empty not half full. My mother passed in December, She has her health and her mind pretty well until she was 100, and was comfortably off financially, yet she was negative most of the time. I could never have had her live with me. I am sure this is very hard on you. (((((hugs)))))

glad -she sure is playing games. If she keeps it she should pay the estate for it and for the cost of storage, in my view. I am glad you have given her a deadline, This is getting ridiculous.

Hi. I am new to this site and this way of communication. I am looking after my husband who was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s but has been steadily “losing it” since early 2014. It now seems he has Lewy Body Dementia. We have now moved to another state to be near our son who we now live with. It is very hard as my husbands decline has been rapid. However the really hard part has been the abuse and treatment I have had from his family, especially his mother and my other son. It’s no exaggeration to say it’s been 6 years of complete hell
we moved house 3 times in 4 years. I also had my father to take care of which was hard as he was not a nice man and completely selfish. He died November last year and it was a relief. My husband is also a very self absorbed person who never really connected with people but was still a good friend and person but with no real empathy for others. Work was his whole world whether paid or around his own home. He had no interests or sports. He only wanted to do things with me. The mobile phone was the curse of my life. It was nothing for him to call me 6 times a day. He wanted to know where I was at all times and resented me having anything that was my own. It was nothing to be at the hairdresser or such and he would suddenly turn up or phone me if I was out with friends. How long will you be. What time will you be home etc. I can honestly say that the only responsibility he had was to go to work which he did well but he loved it. A lot of resentment and anger from me to him has built up because of it and the fact that he was always totally clueless to any of it no matter how much I tried to make him understand. He loved to tell people (even his therapist that he didn’t know why I was so angry all the time as he was the best husband in the world as everything he did was for me
now I am accused of doing this to him. Of lying about his condition. Of trying to keep him from his family and trying to put him in a home. I am not trusted and to ad to the insults no one talks directly to me, his wife about how he is
as I no longer have to be endured. I am angry on a lot of levels. At my husband not just for being sick as I know he can’t help it but for manipulating the last 40 years of my life and now I am living with my son. My husband is only 63 and not eligible for aged care assessments for permanent care or respite. I am angry at the notion that I am a strong person and will just soldier on. I am angry with the way I have been treated. I hate my life i see little sayings about how being a Carer is such a fulfilling experience but honestly I think it sucks. It is very hard to care for a person, such as my father who you don’t like. I am treading water waiting for respite time from my husband. If this shocks people then I am sorry
i think there are a lot of us out there who feel this way. In a holding pattern. I saw a meme which read
I miss me
The smiling me
The happy me
The gone me

Welcome, panda. 6 years of complete hell. I don't doubt it. How could you stand it??? I understand about a parent dying and that being a relief. My mother died in December and it has been an enormous relief for me.

It sounds like your hub is very controlling. Parkinson's and LBD are extremely challenging for a care giver -and certainly no fun for the person who has them. Trying to make him understand is a fruitless task. It sounds like the dementia is progressing and you can't argue anyone with dementia out of their point of view. The lying may be part of the dementia.

If you do not have access to his medical info, who does? Who is his POA and health care proxy?

I hear your anger and understand it. Care giving is a very hard job with few benefits. A manipulative controlling spouse is hard to live with. Care giving changes a person and in some ways not for the better. Could you find some ways to improve your quality of life? How about start not answering the phone when he calls unnecessarily. He will be mad, but what's new? Have you considered counseling for yourself. There may be a PD/LBD/dementia support group near you, that you could attend.

Do you have any help coming in? As the PD/LBD progresses he will need a higher level of care. and it may become more than you can manage by yourself.

In any case, come back and vent any time. We understand and others are gong through similar things. 30-40% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for. You need to take care of yourself. (((((((hugs)))))))

Omg where to begin a diet long got poa after both patents medically diagnosed with alzheimer's then sold house to daughter at discount .now daddy has passed.mama stuck on assisted living in sibling care .they do not like each other and my mother wants to be under the care of me or my other sibling how can we revoke poa to get her out of assisted living and into our homes.not to mention she is on hospice and neither of us are on a list to know anything.

Welcome, Security, Your profile says that your sib got POA after your mum was declared incompetent. Then that POA should not be valid. Do you have it in writing that your mum was declared incompetent on a date before this POA was drawn up? Then you should be able to take that to a lawyer and have the new POA (your sib) revoked and the old POA (you) would be in force.

I question when you say (in your profile) your sib had your mother put on hospice. Doctors have to be involved in and make that decision. POA cannot make it though they can agree or disagree with the doctor. If your mother has been declared ready for hospice then I don't doubt that she needs it. It is really unfortunate when a sib keeps all information from other sibs.

Caring for a senior when they are terminal is not easy. Your mum decided at one point that she preferred to have you as POA, then she changed her mind and wanted your sub, and now she has changed again and wants you back. I wonder if she will be content in any situation. Alz patients often ask to go home, but what they usually are taking about is the home of their youth, not any place that could be home now. She probably needs 24/7 care and that is hard for anyone to provide in their home.

In any case, to get a POA revoked you need a lawyer. That would be the place to start. Good luck!

Aaargh - the snow eating and spewing machines, and the large trucks that follow them to haul the snow away are doing the road in front of the house. I stay in all week and they choose today when I have to go out. One has to be careful not to get stuck behind them or on the wrong side of the large middle of the road windrow. Maybe I will pass on getting the mail today which is around the corner in a keyhole crescent. Tomorrow will do.

Take care all.

I’m not nearly as good as Golden in responding, so chalk it up to me having no memory. I read a post, want to offer support. But next post, and the last two posters’ names go out the window, lol.
So, on the sibling who won’t give an accounting of the assets, been there, done that. My half brother refused to give an accounting of the assets, told me to go ask my dead mother. Okay, the narc is gone, but the Flying Monkeys are still trying to abuse me. I contacted the estate lawyer, who refused all contact with me. My siblings were like vultures when my narc mother passed, had a big gathering to divide the spoils, didn’t call me to tell me she passed for weeks. They had a whole lot of pissing and moaning about how dare I inherit anything, after they, and their offspring, were the Golden children and grandchildren. My half brother/executor skimmed the estate horribly, hundreds of thousands by my estimate. I found out from one lone niece about how they were teaching my nieces and nephews, by example, at the scapegoating meeting. I live hundreds of miles away, and choose to just stay away. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance, and when the estate lawyer refuses to communicate with the family, he’s in on the collusion. I decided to take my pittance that remained and the priceless peace that comes with going no contact. I’m so done with them. No legal fight for me. My parting shot is going no contact, since they have assassinated my character, trashed my reputation, etc. I am no longer available for their baiting, their hooovering, their disgusting abuse. I suspect their sense of loss at not having me for a scapegoat is worse than my grief over losing my narc mother. Once you realize your siblings have been abusing you for decades, and take back your life, it’s amazing how well you can laugh at their sick little games. I am no longer the sick one. Damaged, absolutely. They are the sick ones. Let them choke on it.