The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden23. The phoning and passive aggressive behaviour has been a life long trait. The total lack of empathy for others and monitoring me has gone on for 40 years
Its my aim not to be that percentage who die first. I live in Australia and I am guessing most people here are in USA. Help for Carers and those needing care is pretty good here. The hard part is getting it. If my husband was 65 or over he would at least be in respite care by now. However we recently introduced a National Disability Insurance Scheme or NDIS which allow for someone like my husband, if the doctor and specialist reports support it, to be assessed under the Aged Care Act On 22.2.19 his psychiatrist is putting him in hospital for two weeks observation and I am not ashamed to say I will be pushing for such a report. I am only 61 and I think 41 of those years is enough to give him. I have noticed that when a person has Dementia their true nature comes through. My mother was a very unhappy person most of her life and others always told me what a fun and happy person she used to be. The more her Alzheimer’s progressed the more this lovely person came out. Someone I never knew. My husband is just as self absorbed and controlling but without the filters. He also has an uncanny ability to make people feel sorry for him. He is not a bad person just a selfish one who somehow has three adults running around like a chook with no head doing his bidding

Hi all. Once again it has been a while. So glad to "see" everyone... long timers and new comers. So much courage and wisdom on this thread.
I wanted to share two bits of good news today. After a lifetime of untreated mental health issues Mom was finally put on an SSRI and the change is dramatic. She no longer complains 24/7, when she shows signs of aggressiveness it does not escalate, she is not picking on Dad like before and she actually smiles and laughs now and again. I have been pushing for this forever but Sis is Medical POA and she was very resistant. For a very short time a couple years ago, after Mom had a bout of Psychosis, Sis did agree to have Mom put on Psych meds but that was short lived. I think she was worried there would be side effects. Anyway Sis is also thrilled with the improvement in Mom so I doubt she will start second guessing her decision. Fingers crossed.

My second bit of good news is I am applying for an opening in a different program in another school. The new job would be less stressful and I hear good things about the team and lead teacher. It will be a cut in pay but I really don't care. I want out of where I am. I love the staff I work with but we are all burned out by our toxic boss. She is the quintessential gas lighter and people seldom last more than two years under her. I am in my fourth year and enough is enough. I spoke with the head of Special Ed and she thinks my chances are good to get the new position. She was really nice and said I would be a good fit for the job. She also said she thought I would be happy there. I thought that was sweet of her.

Sis and I have come to a truce of sorts, mostly because I stay out of her way. I purposely did not attend an advanced directive meeting for Dad. Sis does not listen to any input from me so there was no need for me to be there. My brother went because he shares conservatorship with Sis and he said it was a circus. Dads dementia has gotten much worse. Sis kept trying to get him to state his wishes but Dad just went off on delusional rambles til finally the lawyer quietly told her that Dad was obviously not competent to contribute in a meaningful way. Sis got defensive and said she was respecting our Dads right to have a say, which would be fine but he is not able to do that. I am so glad I did not go.

Thanks for listening, I havethe next week off from school so I hope to pop in more often. Take care everyone.

Trying, great to see you! Good luck on that new position, hope you get it, less stress is always an uncompensated benefit, but very worth it.

Welcome to the newcomers, Panda, Security and Gabnea, Sissi Girlsaylor! And anyone I may have missed.

Panda, welcome to this site but I must disagree with you on one thing. I don't believe dementia always brings out a person's true character. I know in my Mom's case it didn't. I think dementia is one of those disorders where you can't really say it's always this or always that. That is one of problems with treating dementia. It always presents differently with whomever it attacks.

Hi all,
Girlsaylor, you spoke my heart and mind on the posting. I get CRS when I am posting (Cant remember s**&T). Also, its wonderful how you have come to terms with the a abuse from siblings and narcissitic mother. Sometimes I can laugh at my sisters antics but the pain is so deep rooted in me that I am still bitter. I am not ugly enough nor do I want to be that way to seek revenge about so many things. ANyway the time is past for past harms. Last nite I dreamt of a time when my sister just came in room and snatched the covers off me while I slept. I just pulled them back on and layed back down she came in and did it again. I was maybe 17 or 18 at the time maybe younger and had my lady thing going on. Well she came back and did the same and then went in my parents rooms to look out the window. My dog who slept on the foot of the bed (which my father didnt care for but gave in I guess) went and jumped on my sister behind the blinds. He was a german shephard. Starteled her good. But thats the spirit of our relationship. I guess then I didnt have the heart to face her ugly or my mothers. I stay in amazement at how accepted that as a norm for so long. It makes the scars go deeper.

Golden, your post bought back memories. I used to drive south a good 12 hour ride and back in then it was the worst thing to get caugt behind one of those farm machine trucks or a school bus. So furstrating in a two way road. I got a good smile out of that one.

I am still not caught up.

Security, I feel for you in my heart. Its very painful and vindictive to be blocked out of a loved ones care.

Speaking of which I found an old form sent by the teacher's retieremant leagal department sealed to be returned with forms for my sister and her son to be health care proxy, power of attorney over care and finances and being able to gift. It was not signed. My mother a true narc and obsessived with controlling and weilding power just like my sister would never sign away her power. I still dont know if it was done though this was stamped 4/18/18. Its not even amazing. Its proof of the shifty behaviour. Everything they try to blame and project on me is what they are guilty of.

So I continue to apply for housing. have to lchange income on application again. Its lower since I took the trip to korea. No work no pay. I will also in contact with casemanger for the meals on obtain some type of home care.

Right now I am sought of consumed with finishing these test I have been taking. I am waiting for approval for a cat scan with contrast. They saw something in lthe MRI but it wasnt clear. Still have to see about thyroid, So even though its not a concious worry. I know deep inside its wearing on me. I was already down but sometimes I really dont care. It seems I can get up and plan something that I have to do for someone else and find it so hard to do what I need to do in my space and time that will make me feel better and take a load off my mind.

I have to get some glasses. I think that is part of my issue. I have to pairs broken. I wear contacts. Plenty of those. I get them really cheap, But once my day is done and I go up to my room I take them out so I can read and watch my series I need reading glases see. Then I cant see for daisies anything not right in front of my face. I watch shows on my phone. I dont watch tv and if I do its very close to the bed.

So this week schools out for presidents day and winter break so I will be taking Sham's children iceskating. Dreamt about that too. But I dont think I will be gettin on the ice. I may be too much for these old joints!:) lol. But who knows. In dream I was skating threw slush went up on an embankment and did somersalt in the air and then was sliding on my but on the ice. Whew! Scary but I have always been kind of adventurous and crazy. Anyways I am looking forward!!

I have not caught up. So I apologize if I missed acknowledging anyone. CRS has me mixing things up.
Just know that my heart and support in spirit prevails.

I will always be a work in progress, just wish it wasnt so painful. Some times those flashbacks hit hard. Sometimes my mother will do or say or act in her norm and its nasty and then I remember who she was and things she did knowing this fool is going to always come back no matter what I do.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like that fool. Ms. fix it. Ms make it right. and I get bitter from the gaslighting that I had no clue on the game.

So anyways Praise God, I am still walking around with a head on my shoulders and I havent given up hope, I get down and dont care but I still hope to see justice and real love and feel normal one of these old days.

Love peace and happiness to everyone.

Thank you for this particular forum on caregiving and dysfunctional families. I realize my situation is not unique and it helps to share frustrations, fears, suggestions, and encouragement.

My mother has struggled with mental illness all of her life but never sought any kind of treatment...even when my sisters and I offered to pay for everything. As a mental health professional, I can't diagnose family members or close friends (ethical issues) but I can say she meets the DSM-5 criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, mild agoraphobia, and bulimia. My late father was an alcoholic; my grandmother was bi-polar, and miscellaneous family members were physically and sexually abusive.

When I would open up to individuals who were not raised in craziness, they just don't understand.....good for them as I have a mixture of jealousy and gratefulness they don't know what it was like.

She is now living with me because no one else can stand her. Her grandchildren haven't spoken to her in over two years because of her hatefulness and my sister and I are on our last efforts after unsuccessful attempts at senior living and hiring caregivers. She was so verbally abusive to the last caregiver, she left in the middle of the day while I was at work. After hearing all of the horrible things my mother said to her...I couldn't blame her.

Anyway...thank you for this forum and the opportunity to vent.

Mom passed away this afternoon...I'm still kind of in shock I think. It was very unexpected. The staff were in her room this morning to give her insulin, etc and she was eating breakfast, and when they came back this afternoon she was lying on the couch unresponsive. CPR tried, but staff and paramedics unable to resuscitate her. I think she may have had a heart attack in her sleep. They called me this afternoon and said they needed to see me right away.

I feel a lot of things right now....shock, disbelief, sadness, also mixed with relief that she's not suffering anymore.

I've called sis and let family know, will be making arrangements in the next day or two. Oldest daughter called and going to stop by here in a bit. Just....still trying to process everything. I got kind of emotional when I was up there talking to the staff and when I went in to see her, but it's more of just this shell shocked, worn-out feeling right now...

Oh Frazzled I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

Frazzeled - Hugs to you.

Your mother's difficult journey has ended. Hopefully your caregiving journey ends as well. Take care of and be kind to yourself. Many emotions right now. And that's all right.

Oh Frazzled. I'm so sorry for your loss!!

Frazzled, I am so sorry,, it seems worse when it is not expected,, you are left wondering.. Please take care of your self and allow yourself all the time to grieve that you need. Love you..

...

fraz ((((((((hugs))))))) My deepest condolences. Loss is harder when it is so sudden. This is the end of a long difficult journey for you and the beginning of a (hopefully) better one. I pray the next few weeks aren't too hard on you. Take care of yourself.

I had about 3 or 4 days of "cheerful Mom", and I was just like oh this is nice, when is the shoe going to drop now? Talked to her on Sunday afternoon, she was in a good mood. I was feeling like I was getting the flu, actually said I'm calling you from bed, chilled to the bone. Got a "you're in bed right now?" Yes, not feeling well. Almost expected the "you are always sick". Never one ounce of empathy, but if her big toe aches, it's the end of the world.
So, I called her back later that evening. If I don't call 2x on Sunday, I'm a rotten daughter. Yeah, it was back to her greatest hits. Never thought she'd be living alone, she doesn't eat right, she barely had anything to eat that day (now mind you she was just fine around mid-afternoon, no complaints at all), she even groused about how her parents behaved at her wedding. She couldn't remember if they congratulated her. The wedding was over 65 years ago, give it up already. She drags up every wrong, real or perceived, ever done to her. She's had such a horrible life. She's done everything for everyone, now no one (aka - me) will help her. To be honest, she's done stuff, true enough, but she always made sure everyone knew she did something, never just a silent good deed, had to be announced far and wide.
She went on a rant how she wanted to move away after my dad passed away more than 50 years ago, but she didn't get her way. She says 'you kids' said no.
What is wrong with that statement? Maybe the fact that YOU were the adult, YOU were in charge. If you felt it best to move, then you needed to do so. I told her that once, and she said oh I hate when you say that, that I was in charge. Well, you WERE. She also doesn't think that it was her job to make sure we were fed, clothed, and had a roof over our heads. That was above and beyond, because my dad died. No that is part of any parent's job, whether married or single. She now has added the refrain of I wished I never had children, especially if I knew what I know now. Great. So you'd be all alone, no one to do your bidding or bitch to every other day. But we do nothing for her.
I was thinking, and she's been really a joyless person for the majority of the time I've known her. She gets her only joy if she's the center of attention or gets her way. But never played with us as kids, never read stories, just do your chores, get your work done. If we achieved anything, she wasn't really happy for us, it was more of a feather in her cap. She never had one conversation ever, so what do you want to do in life.....she assumed that I had a few options: secretary/office worker, teacher, maybe a nurse. She never brought up nursing because she's squeamish. If she wasn't interested, just assumed we surely could not be interested.
So I got through the half bad conversation last evening, and now of course, she's not picking up tonight. I've not been there since Christmas, and frankly, her bad attitude just pushes the idea of a visit further and further out of my mind. I'm sure if I ever go there, she'll be bitching about how long it's been since I've been there. Her line is, if you don't want me to live with you, then you have to visit more often. No, that doesn't mean it at all. I've almost said, I'm going to see if your friend's helper would stop by here and help you out. I'll pay. Seriously, I would if it'd improve her attitude one bit. I'd probably hear how great the helper is, unlike her awful daughter.

Frazzled, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. She is now at rest and you will be able to take care of you.

Oh Frazzled, so very sorry for your loss, so very sorry. Will be praying for you and your family. (HUG)

FrazzledMama,
So very sorry for your loss.

Frazzled
such a shock
thinking of you in the days ahead

Hugs, Frazzled. Too sudden to think of anything else to say other than take care of yourself and give it time. Hope there is lots of support around for you, apart from us virtual friends.

Frazzled - I am so very sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

Sissiu - Your Mom likely has a Mental health issue. It has nothing to do with what kind of daughter you are. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

So glad I found this thread. My family is so dysfunctional. My dad,87, was diagnosed with VD and AD in 2016. He had a fall in Sept 2018, was hospitalized then in rehab for 2.5 months. My mom, 81, hates my dad. Before his dx she all she would do would be complain about him and say how much she hates him. Crazy thing, my dad is madly in love with her. His last 3 weeks in rehab all he did was cry becasue he was afraid she dumped him. He is now home, my sister is his primary caregiver and I am his health care proxy. Mom lives in the home and we try to keep her away from him. She claims she wants to care for him but yells at him, tries to get him to understand her, etc. We encourage her to stay away from him. Yesterday I called to get papers for the lawyer and all she did was yell at me. She was mad becasuse my sister called the police on Sat. night to help get my dad off the floor. My mom wanted to be woken up so she could help get him up. She is crazy and I can see signs of early dementia in her. So glad I have a place to vent

Frazzled, I am sorry for your loss. I can see why you would be shocked. Take your time dealing with service arrangements and paperwork. (((Hugs))),

Frazzled, I am so very sorry for your loss. So sad for you.

Im doing WAY but today then I was 7 months ago. My mom fired me ...treated me like dirt all my life. I totally disowned her. I'm sorry but my GMA was truly the one who cared for me. My " mom" has been mentally unstable for as long as I have known her. I got cheated from a childhood. My dad was a alcoholic,etc. I Lost my daughter in a car accident awhile back. I was in the car too when it happened she was 4. My whole family blamed me. As far I'm concerned It's just me & my kids & grandkids.. After Marion fired me she called me every name in the book, etc. So last week she had enuf nerve to message me. Wow. She's got sum damn nerve. Insane. Toxic..Narcissistic. I will never tall to any of them. Never

Oh Frazzled, my heart and prayer are with you. I am so sorry for your loss. Be strong and remember to take care of yourself.

Well I got the approval for the cat scan. But upon reading the reason - screening for malignant neoplasm, I got a little scared and frensied. Then I caught a hold of my self. I have been feeling pretty bad the last few days with something like a bad headache that gets worse if cough or laugh, and the trapped gas pain in my belly which Is horrible and I get every so offten and my pressure is rocketing. My mother got a double delivery of the meals. The first order was from a company they uised in an emergency and the meals were basically the same some of the seals were broken and bags were open so I called and complained while adding my appreciation for the program. They sent another set. In the first was a veggie burger. I knew my mother wouldnt eat it so I took it to work and had for a snack. thinking I am eating vegetables that I need but ended up with horrible, horrible gas. Hurts when I walk, cough or laugh.

Then to top it off I accidently lost my debit card on the way to work and missed it as I stopped to pick up lunch, I had it when I left the house so I ordered a new one via fed ex and I hope it gets here before thursday because I am taking the children iceskating. The ringer is the central park skating rink only takes cash no credit or debit cards. I just really want to get this over and off my mind.

I am due for a reassessment for my therapy. Got these tests and worry. then it time for taxes also.

I was reading some of the post and its so sad the pain that we go through in life and the wounds and rippling effects.

My mother giggled at me today when I came with her food this afternoon. She hasnt been eating but she ate part of her breakfast sandwich. I pray for understanding guidance and wisdom and strength. Sometimes knowing her spirit in the past causes me think and feel like a fool.

I am in a good place spiritually. I feel a little stronger than the past few days.
Its like I dont have much choice, some things I cant change and I slowly work on finding the strength and understanding to change the things I can. Its hard. But I truly dont want to be going through these issues the rest of my life so I go lots of work to do now.

Rays of love peace and healing to everyone.

Love, peace and healing to you too Duck.

Frazzled
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

Hi all - just wanted to connect but I am not up to posting much. I am in E'ton and probate stuff is signed so it is a waiting game now. There is a pile of mail to deal with back home which I will tackle once I return, Guts are acting up - just a reaction to stuff. The sooner this is all this done and over with, the better. The weather is slowly improving and it was actually nice being out yesterday.

Will respond to posts later. Just chilling for now and may be take in an IMAX or something like that.

Take care all.