The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

i hope this is the last stretch of dealing with the details Golden. Glad to hear you are taking time for a moment of R and R.

Back again. Hope I'm not posting too much.
Mom was good again for a few days. Apparently, brother was sick today. She had to mention, he does so much. Not really, but ok. He lives 2 miles away. He brings in her mail, runs errands as he does his own errands, like bringing over a loaf of bread type of thing. Her house is on his way to/from his work, so he doesn't even have to go out of his way to stop. Anyhow she then added, what he'd said before, he can never do enough. Yeah, it wasn't him saying oh shucks I can't get it done, it was him complaining that it is never enough for her - whatever you do. Her latest complaints were re: her bank (new bank took over and they've been less than great, very poor service), then her lamp post in the front yard is basically rotting away. I'd told her that as I did trimming around it, and she yelled at me and said she didn't care, it could fall over. Now, she noticed it and is having a fit. She just has to order it from the management company for her complex, and pay for it. She then said oh I'll have to "worry" about a roof, and a new water heater. Neither have shown signs of being bad or worn out. Her neighbors (some) have had to replace one or the other. One had a leak, one's water heater died. It happens. Anywhere you live. Now she says oh she never wanted to live where she's at, she wanted to buy a smaller single story home. Not true at all. She only looked at condos. Period. She asked if I was home from work again today. Yes, I was home sick. Not one word re: how I felt. I will probably have to drag myself into the office tomorrow as I'm sure co-workers are talking smack about me. (Most there work through being sick, so they can use sick days as vacation, then get others - like me - sick as a dog).
Anyhow, weather was supposed to be relatively good this weekend, and Mom was hinting about me going there. It's now supposed to be "lousy" per Mom. Yeah I saw it is going to rain almost all day Saturday, which means she wouldn't want to be out and about (so not wanting me to haul her around to different stores to shop). Sunday the temperatures are dropping from near 60 to below 30, so I'm guessing some of that rain will freeze over. Then I heard how she's not had her hair done in ages (neither have I), and her sheets need to be changed, she just doesn't know how she'll get the sheets back on her bed (accompanied by a sob). She then complained that her arms and hands are hurting. I've sent multiple items to her that other people have said helped, and she uses once, then said it didn't work. No, you have to use more than one time to see if it helps. If it's that bad, then you need to go to a doctor, which she refuses. I basically got it that I'm lazy, she was such a hard worker all her life. She wouldn't have helped me years ago if she knew then what she knows now. Again, she asked to come and help me move, because as she said, it was better than sitting home doing nothing. Even if she'd not done that, it would be something else she'd done for me - maybe fed and clothed me as a child. I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I go, I'll be miserable, worn out, and maybe more sick. If I don't go, then I'll be yelled at, and when I eventually go, she'll yell more.

Mine family is plenty disfunctional, however my mom passed three years ago so much of that stress (not all) is gone too. But my poor husband (who is in a NH because of his dementia) has a very disfunctional family too. I feel so sorry for him, my family keeps in contact more with him than his own and that includes our two sons. All I know is when he passes no one better be looking to me for soloce or comforting.

Frazzled, I'm so Sorry for the sudden loss of your Mom. I know that the coming days will be busy with arrangements, but soon after, I hope and pray that your life will be a bit easier, and you can concentrate on feeling better about things, and pushing forward on making your life better!

Take care of yourself! Love, Stacey B

Need some feedback here.

I met with the lawyer and signed some documents. Then I mentioned there would be some expenses to be looked after yet - taxes, refund to HOOP (pension) . my expenses travelling to Ontario for the funeral, and the funeral expenses themselves. She said everything had to be properly recorded (duh, yes), and as I was traveling as daughter the expenses to Ontario weren't executor's expenses, and since my sister and I would each have our money by then we could together pay the other expenses. Actually when she asked if was travelling as daughter or executor I answered "Both," and she just smiled as if her point was made. I didn't even mention the two trips I made this winter re probate.

I am not impressed. The will says executor's expenses are allowed. I doubt I would travel to Ontario to be with my sister to bury mother's ashes unless it was my job as executor. I didn't go to my father's funeral in the east as mother and sis were getting in my case. Sis is getting on my case in a different sense now and the less I see of her the better. And i do not want to be put in the position of getting money from my sister to pay funeral expenses. She likes to hang onto her money.

What do you think?

Golden, tell the lawyer that because your mother was mentally ill and you looked after her because of obligation not out of love you likely would not have made the trip if you had not been executor - perhaps suggest a compromise and ask for 1/2 of the cost. Then tell her that you have minimal contact with your sister and there is no possibility that she will share any expenses equitably.
The estate shouldn't be finalized until the final taxes are paid and revenue canada signs off, as far as I know that's common practice. Remind the lawyer she is your employee, not the other way around.
What is the rush? We are nowhere near finished, I'm just beginning to get our T-slips in the mail.

Ahhh, Golden, executor expense should be claimed for the past two trips at least. I kinda do not understand the situation. You are executor? Is this attorney just overlooking everything? Maybe she tries to make it more difficult by evaluating proper executor expense so more money for her?

Has the funeral been scheduled? I am surprised that it sounds like you are so close to done. It has been a year and a half plus now. My case, yes there are business assets to account for. But, nothing on that front at all since mom passed.

Maybe sis has talked with the attorney?

I agree with others on here Golden . I know you would like to have things wrapped up but maybe you are expecting too much. It took over a year for my Mom's estate to be finalized. They kept wanting proof she wasn't a Niscah Indian. Yes, I said it.

Give it time. ((((Hugs)))

Golden,
Another circumstance where an attorney acts like it is their own money, and you have to "beg" for it.

The lawyer is acting more like a judge than a lawyer helping execute the will. The funeral expenses and other expenses of each of my parents were paid from their assets first.

It also sounds like your sister has talked to the lawyer and now the lawyer has a conflict of interest. I think that I'd tell the lawyer to help execute the will like it is written or you will report him to the board that licensed her.

Golden, YOU are the executor, Yes? Or are you coexecutor with your sister?

Funeral expenses come out of the estate before distributions. Or at least before final distributions.

Any expenses you incur in your capacity as executor are claimable.

I am baring my teeth at the thought of some simpering bint going all syrupy about the loving daughter crap. And Golden, claim for *everything* allowable, down to the last bus ticket, parking meter, coffee en route (subsistence, it's fine).

These are straightforward binary True False decisions. Sentimental values be buggered.

Golden, I'm in agreement with everyone else. You should be compensated for any and all expenses tied to your executor work and the lawyer should honor that!

Big hug, Golden. In order to easily determine an executor’s legitimate expenses, step back for what is called an arm’s length view. If a bank trustee were appointed executor, would the same expense be considered as a legitimate expense for the executor to bill the estate? If the answer is yes, then do bill it and don’t feel bullied into not claiming it as an expense.

Hugs, Golden. Yes, you should be compensated. Twisted sisters are the worst. I'm dealing with one myself.

We paid our respects to mom on Saturday. She had always said she didn't want an elaborate funeral, just wanted to be cremated and scattered in one of her favorite oceanside places, which we will do when we take vacation this year. No help from any family in planning the arrangements except for choosing some photos for the slide show.

Twisted sis and mom's Nmother were really quick to jump on the fact that my sister's name is still on mom's house as a joint tenant with right of survivorship and that I need to "do the right thing" and give my sister the house because "you have a house and she doesn't".

Never mind that my sister abused mom physically and mentally, stole $30K and more from her, leaving her with very little for her care which is the reason I was working with mom's attorney about mom's house while she was still alive, and , while guardianship proceedings were going on, the day mom was discharged from a psych facility, took mom, unbeknownst to me or any of the attorneys or the court, to have my sister's name added to the deed. The deed is completely filled out in my sister's writing, with mom's signature. Mom later told me that my sister threatened to leave her to fend for herself if she didn't do as she was told, not to mention probably had mom scared that she would be hit or something.

I fought hard to get this all taken care of on mom's behalf while she was still alive, but the attorney kept dragging his feet, so now here we are.

My sister and I talked about next steps for the estate since mom died without a will. I had filed to be administrator so I could close out the rest of her bills, etc and had told sis, as I didn't want to catch her off guard with the court papers. Mom's attorney feels a lawsuit about the house is appropriate given that the deed is fraudulent and we have a court judgment against twisted sis for money that she stole. However, I am not wanting to go through a long legal battle, I'm just not. Really, how much is my peace worth? It's priceless, really.

So when sis and I talked about the house I suggested just letting the judgment go, putting the house in mom's estate, selling it to pay her bills and attorney, and then according to state law, anything left over would be split between us as her only two heirs. But you would have thought I suggested she go jump off a cliff. How dare I even suggest that I deserve anything at all? After all, I have a house and she doesn't. Never mind that hubs and I have worked hard for years and she has done nothing but steal and mooch and exploit.

I've been praying about what to do. Mom's estate truly doesn't have the funds to engage in a long probate litigation, nor do I personally. Nor honestly do I even want to. I have put in an email to the attorney asking what my liabilities are if I withdraw my application as administrator, submit my final accounting for the guardianship, and hand my sister the keys to the house. I really just want to be done with all of the legal drama. I fought hard for mom because had she lived much longer as I anticipated she would have needed all of her resources for her care. But she is at peace now, and my own peace is more important than "stuff".

Frazzled, I do understand you're not in the mood for a fight.

Do you need to make any decisions about this for the time being? Can you just leave it all in suspended animation for a month or so?

My 2 cents Golden is with everyone else. The funeral expenses and your travel expenses should be covered by the estate. It should be reimbursed to you before disbursements are done. She sounds like she is letting her own personal feelings enter in on her professionalism.

Frazzled mama, you need a hug! {hug}
I know you want to be done with it. You seem to be a gracious person, and sister is trying to run over you. Perhaps, speak with the lawyer who said the deed was contestable, ask if he/she can handle it, to just handle it without you being pulled into the drama. Sister obviously doesn’t have funds to challenge you, is counting on bullying you like she appears to have bullied your mother. Ask how much the attorney will charge the estate to handle the filings, and request he not bill estate for any phone consultations with sister. That will force her to pay for her own legal challenge, which I’m going to bet, she has spent everything she already mooched off your mom (your words). If you think there can be a good relationship with your sister down the road, this may not be what you wish to do. But if not, and the lawyer can handle it and send you the final legal summary, you might be able to just let the attorney handle it. If the attorney can give you the emotional distance from the fight. Estate attorneys do it all the time. And they see the ugly side of families all the time.
whatever you do, I am proud of you for being a good daughter.

Hi all!. Frazzleled I feel a certain way about just giving in on that sister thing. These twsited sisters are freakin monsters and I can imagine your frustration because so many times I want to give in and give up on everything. At least you have proof of your sisters malfeasant intentions. That's is a big weapon., I know its hard and draining but I would put up this last figt and make it the good fight and expose her for what and who she is. sounds like my sister. She even once told me when I told her how she used me and taught her sons to do same she said "let them use you. You were supposed to for us cause you had more."

Frazzeled I can imagine your turmoil. Do what is best for you, but you deserve the same as your sister. She doesnt give a putt about you. Please bear this to the end and let justice prevail. Giving up is what they want from us. Dont give her the victory.

Golden what everyone said makes sense and what stands out in my mind is Magnums post. I am thinking this was your lawyer only. If the lawyer is also for your sister then she has pobably poisoined him or her against fairness toward you in a very smart way the way narcissist work.

I am dreading this moment with my own sister should I live to see this come. I have lived knowingly and unknowliong against her and my mothers sabagtoge.
My sister has people who dont even know me hating me. Everyday I see her neglect and how she doesnt give a dam about anything or anyone. So I am sitting here wanting to see the justice get panned out.

Its so hard to hold your head up and yourself together especially under this type of duress but trust me the twisteds are scheming and manipulatinbg the biggest project probably in their lives, fight the good fight.

Please dont take my input in a wrong way. Its just I live this life full of unfair outcomes some I didnt even iknow were in the works. I get on here and i see me life my pain, my experience in so many ways through others. Its wonderful to see how beautiful you all are and how you maintain that goodness in the mist pure ugliness.

I am so tired even just now. Trying to get myself together before I take on this thing with getting my mother some services. I am motivated by the strenght and love here. Its going to takie some time and more heartache but I plan to fight the good fight.

Frazzled, just hold off on making any financial decisions for a bit. In the midst of the grief and all that is going on, not a good time to make such important decisions.

After my mom passed, within a couple of hours I told ts2 to just give it all away. She didn't and now it is an issue. She as executor wants to claim all of it after mom's funds paid roughly 35k to store the stuff. And the value of it is probably twice that. So, does she owe the estate roughly 100k? Who knows. It would be so much easier if she would do what she should have done before mom went into care.

Just take your time and don't make any rash decisions.

So tired of seeing wrong being strong.

I am feeling so much better. I was sick like a dog last week. I am coming around now. Maybe it was stress, I dont know but I feel better. I still have a lot on my plate to adress and face the next few days.

During the last week I felt my mortality strong. I prayed and I just said I have to rest and knew I had to build myself up.

Golden, Frazzled you are both in my heart and my prayers. Rest a few days as so many have mention its not a rush. This was and is a lifetime.

I know I am going to come to crossroads many times in this lifetime and I am going to always stand against her wrong as strong as I can. My goodness its draining and depressing but after each round is done I feel better and stronger because I know I stood for good.

I dont owe my sister anything!!! Her weapon is guilt and shame and rejection only now that her cover is unraveling and I am learning how to defend love and protect myself, see her mode of operation how she uses what she learned from my mother, knowing I have just as much right as she does to just exist helps me to prevail over every thing does to outcast me or discourage me from the good in me or just being me and existing. So I will continue to stand and not allow her nonsense anymore. I can write a book just on the past few days. How down and out the last few days and still making a priority or my mother. How every I have to make sure she eats when i put something in my mouth no matter how bad I feel becaue3 that is me. Then accept who my twisted is who can lie, manipulate insult my interety and intents and slander me and watch her take her *(**l up stairs when she comes in from work and stay in her room. I apologize
I tend to go on and on and on. I just feel a certain kind of way;. Thanks for bearing with me. I just have so much pent up inside..and its hard to see people get walked on. Its crazy, Its my sisters theme. take from me cause I already have,make me pay cause I have more. use, take you forgranted and then gives you their back bottom when its all said and done. Just say no for hopefully the last time.

Please heed the advice of some of the wisest , beautiful posters that came back to back saying the same.

Thanks for bearing with my book. Just expressing view.

Rays of love, light, peace understanding and strength to all

Hi all - thank you for the support. I will be sending the lawyer an email regarding my instructions. After probate the estate monies can be dispersed except for $5000 which will be put in a trust account and stay there for 6 months to pay any outstanding bills.

The lawyer's plan to disperse all the estate and have me work out with my sister the payment of the final bills is not acceptable to me, nor is denying me reimbursement for my expenses as executor travelling to the funeral.

She will be told that and if she is not willing to follow my direction, I will pay her off and find another lawyer. I believe she has been biased by my mother and sister a few years ago, and my sister more recently. I was not trying to speed things up - the lawyer was. Less work for her.

It triggered off stuff from past - abusive treatment I received from my mother and sis, The lawyer has been recruited as a a flying monkey. I don't need it.

Fraz - I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree - give yourself time to process it all. Dysfunction is the gift that keeps giving, unfortunately. I too can't wait to be finished with it.

I am not up to catching up with everyone. This garbage takes something out of a person.

Travelling home tomorrow. We are still in the deep freeze for another week or two and then decent weather is forecast for mid March. It has been a very tough February.

As always, take care of yourself. You are worth it. Protect yourself from the narcs. Group ((((((((hug))))))

You go, girl!!!!!! Woot!!!!!

DD Duck, I’m so sorry you have so much going on. I hope that your health tests are all negative and that you can move forward feeling better.

Hi. :-) My maternal grandmother had a 90th birthday open house celebration on Saturday and I traveled the few hours to attend. I knew I would be persona non grata if I didn't go without a very good excuse to be absent, plus it was a family reunion type of thing, so I got to see distant cousins and such that I RARELY see. I saw some cousins I haven't seen since I was around 8-10 years old.

I suspect, based on my grandmother's behavior, that she may be bipolar, borderline, or narc. It's hard to tell without spending a lot more time with her and I'd rather not, thanks. Even when we were small children, she was one who would pit child against child. I blame her actions for partly why I have disharmonious relationships with siblings/cousins, and she can be very cruel to my aunt and my mom.

I saw her in action on Saturday. The party was mostly dying down and, for reasons that turned out to be a misunderstanding on her part, she started yelling at my aunt in front of everyone, being very hateful. Then at some point my mom went to try to reason with her and she was yelling at my mom. Oof. It was just one of those moments where I realized so clearly that hurtful behavior goes back generations, that perhaps it's mental illness, perhaps it's something else plus some mental instability.

It really doesn't matter WHY, does it? When it causes problems in families, it doesn't matter WHY, only that it's there, and too often.

I don't know why my grandmother feels entitled to treat others poorly. I have bad days, too, I get tired, too. It's never ok to take that out on those closest to you only because you can, which is exactly what my grandmother does. She's a vicious bully if she wants to be.

Another interesting thing that happened is I made a pit stop on the drive down to pick up a package for older bro at one of his work locations up my way. Turns out he had left a bottle antidepressant medication. I picked up the bottle and took to him at his house. But I was a little surprised, and also happy, that my bro was open to taking medication to help his chronic anxiety issues. We grew up with a lot of stigma about mental issues and meds, so I'm surprised he would take a med but I'm also very, very pleased that he decided to try something. Or, who knows, maybe he's been taking it for 20 years, haha. But I don't think so. My sibling instinct says this is a fairly new decision/change for him.

My SIL gets bad migraines and between her headaches and his anxiety, both which are treated by psilocybin, I mentioned to SIL that I had taken some psilocybin last year to help my symptoms. You would have thought I said I drank glue, the way she reacted. lol

That's ok, I get it, it's not for everyone. It's helped my symptoms, I can already tell, as I'm 2 months now without a major anxiety headache day. To me, it simply works when nothing else seemed to, and I would drink glue if there was research that said it would help my debilitating headaches and anxiety issues. I take only a little bit at a time and don't worry about any kind of OD. Seems fairly fail proof -- or at least on the same level as any other psychotropic medication. Modern medicine needs to synthesize it as a treatment, or better yet, just decriminalize it and put out a lot of information about how to use it for medicinal treatment.

That's just me. I get it that it's not for everyone. But I also get the feeling that the reason most shun it would be based on some notion that it's an illicit, bad thing that only crazy types would take.

Golden, happy that work on the estate is trucking along. Expense your travel as much as you can, imo. A laborer is worth their hire. You've done a lot on your mother's behalf.

Fraz, I sympathize. If you don't need the money I think you're better off to walk away from settling the estate as soon as you can.

Hugs, all.

I am depressed! I am officially self diagnosed as out of touch, old-fashioned, and just plain do not understand.

You all will, I think, understand. I have decided I HATE Facebook! It has become the norm for communication of all sorts.

Ok, get on with it. DD1 has been separated for about eight months, dating someone pretty seriously for about four months. They discuss when they will make that relationship public by posting on FB. Then I think of my ex SIL and how he must feel. They talk about these new relationships with each other, even to the point of how they were dumped (oh, excuse me, I guess it is dissed now).

When I was divorced my ex and I did not talk about our relationships with each other. It was none of his business and I am sure he felt the same. The only information I ever got was from my kids and I told them I did not want to know about it.

DD1 called tonight went through the rigmarole with ex and girlfriends and her and mr hot, and how the kids are told by dad how his most recent girlfriend broke up with him via text. How he had a STD scare, etc, etc, etc....

Her ex is a nice man, loves his children, but couldn't tolerate my Type A daughter any longer. Now she is on cloud 9 and posts stuff to FB that I would never dream of. At least she calls me, I guess....

I am stressed beyond belief. I have never felt so angry and resentful for my mom not accepting the care I want to give her. If the the care is not me driving her everywhere 24/7 then she doesnt want it. So be it! She can get herself to and fro and navigate doctor bills and managing a house. Lets see if she thinks its such an easy task. I realized today that I have the right to say no to someone who is verbally abusive to me. It is time to take care of myself. After care for my dad for 5 years through chemo and radiation and now 5 years of narcissim, I have officially emptyied my caregiving tank. I am on empty.
Patty

Pbond, it is ok to say no to anyone. Not just those that you feel are abusive to you!

Welcome to this thread.

Duck, anything going on with a move for you yet?

Golden, I know I will have to refer to some part of information you just shared in your last post. Sounds good to me. I am in no way familiar with any of the legal terms and ramifications with probates. Didnt even know what probate was, and a lot more things until I got on this forum.

Ali glad to hear the medication is working.

Glad I do agree that the social media can be sickening. There is a lot of good and interesting information. But the personal stuff is crazy. My Sham did a lot of that posting then she switched to instagram. I dare not venture there.

Usedup, thank you.

I know how to front real good because I grew up holding in tears and hiding pain that lurched from my heart to my stomach.

When I post I am posting my own experience and communitcating my hope for some type of justice along the road. I am not an angel, God has blessed me so many times over and I hope and trust in his endurance and patience with me.

I am so full of rejection, slander, castration you name it. Yes it was a norm for me at one time but now its not. I love my mother so dearly but I cant erase who she was to me. I with her dementia and aging I am getting a bitter taste of what I have always longed for but not feeling loved to late for that anyway. Sometimes I am tormented by memories which bring me to earth about my mother. I live with the tidal wave of who she was in my sister. It angers me. It hurts. Even as I grow to see what the narcisssim is and what its about. It still doesnt take it away. Its like ptsd. Add health concerns, and illness and lonliness and I am a walking time bomb.

I cant fight ignorance but as I get myself together I wll also be pursuing the best for my mother. I know its going to be a rocky road.

The floor in the bathroom around the toilet is buckling. My new found understanding tells me to stop trying to controll and fix everything. So my nephew is incharge of my mother's accounts I made him aware of the situation about two weeks ago. Saw him yesterday he spoke (always the fake grin yesum) was on the phone put up his hand like just a minute and I havent seen him since then. I keep forgetting to take a picture. Now when something goes wrong up stairs my sister calls and its done nothing out of her pocket.They get insulted when I fix things then blame me or who ever I get to do something for anything that goes wrong. I am always breaking the pipes. They seem to feel I am not entiltled to the same priviledge. There is no winning with ignorance. But hopefully these incidents as they build will help put them both in check. If they really cared they would want her environment safe. I am so tired of this situation. I dont know what is down the road for me the results of the cat scan or the tyhroid issue whatever it is I will have to deal with it. I dont want to burden anyone, I have always felt like a burden, and then I really dont have anyone to burden with my issues and concerns. I am tired of the wrongness where I live and If I get someone or find someway to put a check on the situation, correct it or bring things to justice then I am going to fight the good fight as long as I can,
Many times I can remember saying" let this or that go, dont address it its not that important, its not worth it. dont stoop to that level yada yada." That just fuels the monster. I am just saying I just cant sit and take it, I cant handle, the infringements dont just role off my back anymore. I am not on the war path but as the wrong build up I am keeping it documented and hopefull put an end to this pompous power play going on with my sister and nephew. I still did not get the key to the door upstairs, I got the key somewhere but missplaced it. my mother always used these type tactics to pit us against one another. One time I had the key upstairs but not down stairs. Its sad. I am just saying If I can help justice along I will not turn away.

Rays of love peace and strengh to all.

Glad I have the applications in. But truth is that I may not be able to afford this high rent. I am paying off taxes 10% and another is more than 10%. I am still waiting keeping fingers crossed. Searching out another job that is not too demanding.

Pbond, I understand how you feel. Its so hard and so sad.
My mother could pee on me and I would still be back to cater to her. I had not choice but to say no some times but should have done it one million times which is why I am posting NO nO more!

Keep posting, you have so great and beautiful people here with a wealth of information and experience. It takes time to learn and understand and then conmes the real hard part lol. Hang in there.