The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well I am off for a few. See therapist tomorrow which has been such a great help.
I have to pay now. So I go every other week. The repetitive mantra's and thought processing with reinforcement really helps.

I am starting to ramble but I got a little insulted when a person bought up low self esteem. Me not Me! but that is a major part of my problem a big part of the damage I am trying to undo. Which also why I fell a good NO in my heart.

So anyways be good everyone, much love and ray of light to all.

Ice tsunami in Ontario!😯 looks cold up there. Do they just let them melt or move them?

ali - family stuff !!! Aargh, Some say that writing out a life narrative Helps you to understand how you got to where you are at. I think you have some good insights. Yay for bro and his meds. I am not looking forward to our little "reunion" (funeral) in the fall, but it has to be done. You are building your new life. That's what matters.

glad - I hear you about f/b. Too much !!!!! I don't want to know the details of everyone's lives. My family is pretty good at protecting their privacy. thankfully.
Snow tsunami? The weather is crazy!

pbond - welcome and yes you have the right to say no - to anyone and especially to someone who is abusive. No explanations needed - just NO. Narcs are exhausting, Enough!

duck - you are making progress. Remember progress not perfection, Some of us can never get what we need from our folks -=just the way it is. We have to find it other places,

Looked at some nice house here -just from the outside, but in areas I liked - backing onto trees and a ravine. Looks like there are some possibilities for later.

Flying home today. Other than the lawyer, it was a good break. Today is not too cold, so it is a good day to be on the move.

Take care all. Do something good for you - a special coffee, some flowers, a movie, -something just for you,

Gotta love family drama...NOT!! I agree with others here about not rushing any decisions, but I do have a decision to make soon (really soon, as in next week) as to whether I truly want the job as estate administrator. From what I understand from the attorney, we still need to get the ball rolling on that regardless of whether litigation about the house is filed since mom died intestate and her bills are coming due. So hearing on appointment of administrator is next Thursday, the 7th.

After that loaded conversation with sister and Ngrandmother the other day, my sister left me a message Monday saying she doesn't want to fight about anything, she is sorry Ngrandmother got in the middle of it, and that other relatives are trying to get in the middle of it too, and that she is willing to do whatever I think we should do about the house.

So, again I texted and tried calling her back, leaving a message about what was suggested before about putting the house in mom's estate, selling it to pay her bills, and splitting anything left over equitably, so we can just be done with it. In my message, I asked if she could go with me this week to the attorney's office to sign the necessary paperwork.

Well, now she won't return my text/call, and hearing is on for next week about administrator issue still...husband and I have been talking about whether to fight it or whether to just walk away, and still no decision made yet...but we're both of the opinion that if I take on the responsibility of all of the duties as administrator with no guarantee of getting compensated for even that since very little in the actual estate as it stands now, then I should go all in and fight to get the house issue straightened out equitably as well; otherwise, if I am going to just walk away and let it go, why take on the role of administrator, as it just essentially means more free work for me?

So still trying to decide...I'm thinking a) either sister was just thinking she is buying herself some time to get an attorney by making me think she wants to work together when she really doesn't b) she was playing on my sympathy hoping I would give in and just say, "Ok, the house is yours", or c) she was wanting to work together when she called but has since changed her mind or the other narcs got in her ear and encouraged her to fight with me.

Either way, I kind of took what she said with a grain of salt, knowing how she is. I just have to decide from here how to proceed with the whole administrator thing. I am honestly just sooooo ready to be done with all of the drama.

I am so happy that people are discussing dysfunctional families. I am the only one taking care of my father for four years and no one else wants the job, although they all talked a good game in the beginning and did not do anything at all. They just visited him at my home twice in those four years. My father is now on a feeding tube in a veteran nursing home. It just seems that they want to write off quick, but my mind tells me otherwise about him leaving this world. I am up for a fight with those people because I do not believe or feel that he is at deaths door. It seems at this stage of time that no one really cares for the love ones accept those that have been caring for their family member. Doctors and nurses seem to think they know it all especially in the meetings. I have seen some bad situations at the military nursing homes and although I have complained to the top authorities, nothing seems to be done. I feel no matter what all elderly should get the best care. What is going on?

fraz - horrible situation. I think it is realistic to wonder about sis's motives. I certainly support any course of action you take, You are walking it and no one else knows what it is like for you. I came very close to giving up POA. It isn't easy.

melly -welcome. It is not unusual on this boards to hear of sibs who do not help. I am sorry you are one of us, Hope you get the care for your dad that you feel he needs. Dealing with large institutions can be very challenging. I had the opposite experience - I ( and the aides) saw mother declining, but her doctor said he saw no reason she could not live another 4 years. She died a few weeks later, To me it was obvious. Take care,

to pick up on a few past things

Pandabear - I had lifelong narcissism from my mother and my sister. I have more control over contact with my sis now that mother is gone. I need to stay away from her for my survival.

trying -so glad things are better for you and your family Yay!!!

Sissisu and others -no one can post too much. Sometimes we get more answers and sometimes not, but keep posting and venting!!!

Narc siblings are a common topic and also narc parents. They make life very difficult for us.

Remember, you are worth care and a good life as much as anyone else is, You count. You matter. Be good to you.

Well, sent off an e-mail to my attorney. No response from TS2 that I gave her a deadline of today. Already have a response from my attorney.

glad - I don't understand ts2 unless she is patently incompetent or blatantly dishonest

I think a little of both, but just plain stupid. Maybe she would start doing her job if I had my attorney just file the motion.

I hate to start on attorney fees again!

Well, found forms online to file a motion to provide complete financial records. And form to file objection to partial distribution. Will try to get this done this weekend and in the mail. Good that I have exhibits to attach in the form of emails from her and emails to her at the same email address that sometimes receive responses.

Will start out Pro Se, as I just do not want to start accumulating attorney fees.

glad - good for you! I sure understand not wanting to incur more attorney's fees. I hope this gets some action from ts2. She is sitting on her job as executor and allowing storage fees to build up at the expense of the estate. To me she is not doing her job properly. Soooo frustrating!!!!

Glad, I’m sorry you have to deal with the twisted again. I hope the motion your attorney files helps spur twsted into action.


Just a quick update, my brother has made great progress just this last week. He is walking with a walker short distances and he is talking. This is great and I’m so happy for this improvement!

sharyn - awesome about your bro. Such good news!!! He has made terrific progress.

Sharyn, wonderful news on bro!

Fabulous, Sharyn

I went to the quarterly care plan meeting for my mom last week. I figured it'd be 15 minutes of update, everything holding. Instead, she's dropped 5# in the past couple months, and her appetite is really poor. I explained that she had a hiatal hernia, which might account for her requests for Maalox. I visited with her, and her tablemates said she's not eating much at meals. I talked with her about eating some toast, cereal, something if the entree doesn't appeal to her. There's no swallow issue. She can't see her food very well, but refuses any help. I doubt she'll drink Ensure. She's incredibly depressed-all she talks about with her friends is wanting her daughter to take her home. Showing her family pictures on the iPad just make it worse. I've been trying to sort thru my feelings - I guess just an overall sadness that she's been so unhappy for so long, even when her life was pretty good. Other than that, a sort of non-feeling. Not numb, really. Just like all that feeling, angst, FOG has used up that reserve and there's not much emotion left. You guys know how that is .... One of her friends stopped me as I was leaving, shook her head and said "she just doesn't accept any of it. None of us want to be here, but we understand we need help. " So, I guess it's a new phase. I need to find out how the NH handles this, as her weight drops.

A side note - I ran into an acquaintance at the NH/rehab, whose son (27) is there rehabbing - brain trauma. She's in her 50's and has jumped in with both feet, as she's there everyday, all day. I feel like I need to caregiver mentor her a bit, as I've been in that spot with my kids in medical crisis. At her age, I doubt she knows contemporaries who've been/are caregivers. All I can do is give her a smile, a candy bar, a caution that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I mentioned to her husband to be sure she keeps up with her own health needs, doctors appts, tests, time out with friends.

Linda, do you think your mother could benefit from an anti depressant if she is not on one already. At my mother's present AL I rode in the elevator with a psychiatrist who said she often visits patients there thus making it easier for them and their issues.

Riverdale, yes, she probably would. But I don't see her agreeing to it - she'd pop a cork if a psychiatrist were to chat with her, especially with the mental health stigma from my mom's era.

Glad - best of luck I hope things progress smoothly. I totally agree with you about people posting stuff about themselves and others that used to be considered private. I just don't get it.

Linda22 - I am with Riverdale. If your Mom is not on antidepressants maybe she would benefit. My Mom is like a new person since she started on hers. Mom has always been against any kind of mental health treatment so she is not aware that she is taking an antidepressant. Not sure how Sis (Moms medical POA) pulled it off since Mom is not officially incapable but I am glad she did.

Sharyn _ Thank you for sharing the good news. So happy to hear about your brothers progress!

Ali - I share your frustration with bullies and how they get away with it. On my more cynical days I think that deep down a lot of people admire bullies because they see them as winners. I know in my family, the more aggressive a person is the more respect they get. Pretty sick if you ask me. On a more positive note, I love what you wrote about your brother getting the help he needs. Thank you for sharing that!

Golden - I'm glad the break was a good one for you!

Linda, there is an antidepressant called Remeron that is used as an appetite stimulant, especially in elders. It helped my mom tremendously. You might want to ask if that can be trialed.

The staff would be able to tell her in all honesty that it was for her appetite.

Hello all,
I'm new to the group and looking for answers. My family is the poster child for dysfunctional. This has been made clear over the years after my mother got her degree in social work. She has continuously tried to diagnose all 3 children's relationships as well as diagnose her grandchildren. This has not been pretty. It has strained the relationship with our parents tremendously. My father has learned to just be quiet, agree, and avoid confrontation. She always has an opinion of how things should be. "My way or the highway" mentality. This has resulted in her losing friends, alienating most members in our extended family, and being thrown out of her dr's office and dentist office after altercations with staff and other patients. Even her grandchildren don't like being around her because nothing can be fun. Everything has to have a purpose or meaning. My mother draws us in by saying she is all alone and has nobody, or that she is hurt in some way and my father doesn't care. When we respond, she sucks us back into her personal drama. When we offer suggestions or our opinion, of course we are wrong and don't know what we are talking about. She has even gotten into my husband's face and my BIL's face accusing them of horrible things and basically flipping out. That was the final straw. It's been almost 2 yrs since my sister and I have talked to her. We see my dad occasionally at the market but he doesn't say much. Last week, she called me saying she was hurt and doesn't know what happened and needed me. I went over and assessed the situation. I even had police do a welfare check since she had bruises, and didn't know how she got them. They found nothing. We actually had a good visit with no drama which should have been a red flag. Several days later she called crying, saying that my father was emotionally and psychologically abusing her and she couldn't take it. She then apologized for bothering me. I wrote it off as another one of her ploys to get me drawn back into her toxic mindset. I was able to talk her down and haven't heard from her for 4 days. This morning my dad calls asking if we have room for him. He says that my mother is driving him crazy and he can't take it anymore. This happened several yrs ago and he came to live with us for almost a yr before he went back. I feel guilty that I haven't called him back but I just can't be dragged into this drama again. I have enough going on in my own family including dealing with an alcoholic son. I've talked to one of my sisters and she thinks they need to work it out themselves but I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen. My husband refuses to get involved which I totally understand, but these are my parents. He can't relate because he lost his parents before we were married. I truly have no idea what I can do to make everybody happy. I never thought I was going to have to parent my parents.. thanks for listening.

Linda, you don’t say, but have they ruled out anything medically causing her to not want to eat? You say she has a hiatal hernia. And seems to be so sad, maybe depressed. I would not accept that as reason enough for her to be losing weight. It may be what is going on. Or maybe more. I have a little medical scenario that might help get some wheels turning, or not.
I was hospitalized for diverticulitis in Summer of 2017. But due to my new-to-me Medicare HMO, I was sent to new docs on the plan, and one neurologist, for my diabetic neuropathy. She decided to take me off all the pain/neuropathy meds all at once, thee meds that are supposed to be slowly tapered off over one year minimum. I was violently ill, went to ER within the week. Hospital physician insisted it was a psych admission. Despite me telling her I was too sick to eat, had diarrhea and incontinence of urine as well. She refused to treat the diverticulitis, the UTI, nothing. Discharged me. Told me to go see a shrink, in her words. A couple months later, about 20 pounds less, still lingering, spouse took me to the HMO internist in my nightgown as a walk-in, and told her we weren’t leaving until she did something about me being so ill. Ended up I had a superbug, acquired in a medical setting, procedure a few months earlier, caused an UTI, which the hospital knew about from hospital labs, and did not treat, nor did they treat the diverticulitis, no antibiotics, nothing. My internist treated me for the Klebsiella Pneumonae super bug, but cut corners and did not culture it to find out if it was antibiotic-resistant. She just threw some Cipro and Flagyl at it. She got lucky, as it did seem to cure me. No thanks to the lousy south FL hospital doctor and her lack of care in treating me. And an internist who kept Pooh-Pooh-ing my complaints of diarrhea and incontinence. I finally recovered from the diverticulitis as well. But, less than a year later, extremely sick, similar feeling, losing more weight. Nausea, no fever once again. Lost another 25 pounds on top of what I hadn’t gained back from the superbug/diverticulitis hospital episode. Was hospitalized once we got moved, and turned out to be Salmonella food poisoning I couldn’t shake, and diverticulitis. Was treated with antibiotics once again and recovered. But with the last two serious hospitalizations, I had no fever at all, no pain with UTIs, no foul smell. But, I could not tolerate food under my nose, much less to actually eat it. Sorry for oversharing, but it’s worth ruling out the less obvious.
Please, make sure they are doing thorough medical workup, to be sure it it not all emotional, sadness, depression. You just could save her life. And I hope she feels better soon!

Girlsaylor, thx for the input - the staff is watching her eating and weight. I'm dropping a little more often at mealtime to keep an eye on her. Due to her age and health, any procedure re: hernia would be only in event of strangulation.

((((((hugs))))) Linda. Mother dropped weight during the six months before she passed. In the year before her "moods" returned. They tried the anti psychotic that had worked so well, and a variety of antidepressants. She had the appetite stimulant too. None of them helped. She was simply winding down. I believe everything that could have been done was done, but she declined anyway Could this be happening to your mum? Mother's vitals were good right up to the end when she refused food and drink and was gone in a few days.

Hi vic - welcome and Oh wow to the fam dram!
To quote you "I truly have no idea what I can do to make everybody happy. "

The fact is you can't make everyone happy, or for that matter anyone other than yourself.. I think your sister is wise in saying they have to work it out themselves. Your dad and your mum are triangulating by coming to you for solutions rather than dealing with the problems themselves. You have your own problems -you are not responsible for theirs. It sounds like you have enough with an alcoholic son to deal with. For that I suggest the CRAFT method. It is the newest technique for dealing with addicted people and has a better % success rate than anything else available.
https://motivationandchange.com/outpatient-treatment/for-families/craft-
overview/

Good luck. It may help you deal with your parents too.

Hi all, I hope you are all well and in good spirits.

Sharyn, was good to hear your brother is making progress.

Frazzled I do not have a clue to all these legal terms, positions or events. I am learning things from all the post that are shared in these legal matters and I trurly interested in it all as I know I will most likely end up in that place.

Golden, your advice is always right on point. I do see my growth and I am proud of my little progress and a lot of it is being a part of this forum.

So I was really under the weather and then got worse. Then I got better, had that cat scan with contrast. That is some experience but I ended up with a mild headache, feeling pooped, eyes red then woke up with severe burning in chest like congestion. Which is one of my greatest fears, as the congestion gets so much worse and takes so longand could be the last of me it was really close a few years ago. Kept going to doctors and emergency room and ended up on respiratory with pneumonia and came pretty close to leaving here. So congestion really freaks me out. So I have so many remedies that have worked that I find them looking for something else. I do feel better. Keeping hope alive.

Anyways Had ct friday, saturday was the meal delivery. I woke up with the burning around nine decided start on some of my remedies and fell back asleep inbetween doozing I heard my sister going up and down the stairs around the time the meals are delivered. I figured if I missed them I will just have to figure out a meal plan for three days while I am working. I had started cooking thurs which is usully when I cook and do laundry if I dont have apt. Anyways when I get downstairs I open fridge and the milks and juices for seven days are in there but only three meals in freezer. I dont understand it. My sister fought like a demon to keep my mother from getting the service. this is the third time she has done this that I know of. Its not even like my mother eats all of them. But she barely eats and my sister took the best ones the first time I noticed.

I give the unused ones away any way. But I mean dang, she actually needs to take the meals or feel entitled becuase she bought them in. I dont even think she really even cares that my mother doesnt eat. They wont ask for ensure and when leave message with doctor they tell him she easts and they feed her everyday. I am there and see its not everyday. She doesnt eat at all somedays. Excepts cookies and sweets, who can live off that, and for how long.

I have gotten frustrated with feeding her. Then while I was down there thursday she went in basement. I went down there and while I was looking at the water damage and ceiling where the bathroom floor is caving in, she goes to a corner squats and doses this long pee.telling me to wait. Now I was wondering why It smelled like ca ca in the hall sometimes. I just couldnt go see that corner.

So I was worrying about my health stuff. Called to get results. I am to see an oncologist on thurs if its approved.. I have many many many fibroids and if there is approval to remove this mass between uterus and bowels they want to do hysterectomy. And I still have even got to the thyroid issue. So it was sought of a relief that it may not be ca.

I am still stressing; I dont know whether to share this with my son until I get a full picture. I am starting to plan for surgery which means getting my pig sty in order. Leaving messages with case manger my mother is due for recert and I am due for recert withg the psych program.

So naturally my anxiety continues, not to mention getting my taxes done. I yi Yi.

Rays of love and light to you all

((((((duck))))) you have a lot of health concerns and now your mother is not knowing to use the bathroom. I am sure it all is overwhelming. Don't have any suggestions - just hugs and prayers.

Girlsaylor, I lost a pvt message to you. I understand how you feel with incomptetent doctors that can cause you to dies because of poor assessment and treatment

Vic, wow!! I can imagine how hard this is on you. I can imagine the strain and stress. Maybe you can find some resource for you father. Must be hard on him too, a life time. I have not much clue to this family turmoil.

Golden, Yes, and its not to mention the messes. This afternoon before I left, I put her food in microwave, while she was in bathroom playing with a clogged up sink that she keeps filling with water. I cut the water off but somehow it still getts drip that builds up. Anyway I went upstairs to get a note I wrote for my sister which I forgot to mention. Same old same ole stuff Stating if she needed moneyfor food I would gladly help her out. I started to tape some money by the note.
Anyways when I get back downstairs. There is a glue trap on the microwave with a dead mouse on it. Typical "my mother S%^T" My sister is just like her so you can imagine the turmoil and dysfunction.

Its all just really really sad. That kind of stuff gives me flashback. I dont know how many times I have gone crazy trying to find and figure out what happened behind a crazy tactic. I really believe that my mother is natrually not healthy for me that she naturally just throws me off kilter. Then I see this. Now if she can do this with dementia, imagine what she did before dementia.

Her recert is this month and I will show the case manager everything.And hopefully gets constructive guidance. she knows the jux of the matter. Her supervisor came with her when My sister and nephew kept saying my mother doesnt need nor will she never need the meals. Now it looks like my sister needs them. Anyways I am getting a good lesson in putting me first with all this medical issues. I am also learning to stop being Ms make it right also LOL

Rays of love to all.

Does anyone's relative have a problem with depth perception?



I went to the grocery store today, with my elderly mother.

The grocery store she prefers to shop at, is Wegmans. That necessitates, her driving on the interstate. While there are several local ones', that don't require her driving on the interstate.

Anyway, While PM-Rush hadn't started yet. She kept tailgaiting one car for several miles. Even though the 'bumper-to-bumper' situation didn't exist yet

Since she admitted long ago. To problems with depth perception. I wonder who I can talk to. That won't create a firestorm

I just want to give all you guys here a big hug! We all go through so much, yet still care for ourselves and others. I feel so privileged to be included in your circle.

Hi chris - I know you worry about your mother, with good reason. Can you pass on that information to her doctor? You have been concerned about her driving before.

thx girlsaylor - when the going gets tough, the tough get going, or something like that. ((((((hugs))))) back to you.