The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

The bomb cyclone, what a mess! We had high wind for 2 days but lots of snow higher up. Hope everyone is safe with no damage to your homes.

Duck, I hope you can get out soon. Prayers for good news from the biopsy.

Ive been sick with a virus, my son in law is still recovering from a lingering cough after 4 weeks. It has been a strange winter heading into spring. We get snow one day, the next it’s in the 50’s then back to snow. Today is beautiful with blue skies, no wind.

I talked with with my brother yesterday! It was great to hear his voice. He is slowing getting better. My sis said when he gets tired, he reverts back to being unaware of what is going on. Once he can walk without a walker, he can go home. Maybe in 4-6 weeks. He can only do pt every other day ecause he hurts too much the day after.

Get well Golden, bone broth sounds wonderful. I’m going to get an insta pot soon.

I feel guilty posting about our gorgeous days this week. So many got hit so hard with that Bomb Cyclone. We’ll get our sultry heat and hurricanes soon enough. Praying we can see our way clear to purchase a generator to run my oxygen in power outages. They are becoming a way of life here in coastal GA. But, right now I’m saving up to pay the remaining taxes, plus getting bids on some tree trimming. We have at least a couple of dangerous, huge, dead limbs that have to come down before hurricane season, risking the house and our lives right now. With moving from south FL last year, unexpected new roof, and several other things that had to be done before we could move in, we couldn’t see our way clear to tend to the trees last year. This year, I have to pick up flood insurance as well. Went without since buying the home 4 years ago, but with climate these days, I’m not gambling another year. Yikes, do you think my hubby has a clue what I do behind the scene?! Got tax appointment next week, plus one arborist coming so far. I’m requesting certificates of insurance and license, not letting any tree monkeys on our property, due to scam risk, getting sued. Some of these guys are not on the up and up, sadly, and I’m not risking somebody dropping a limb onto the house. So, I’ve been busy with the non-caregiving this week, as hubs has been doing decently.
Wish everybody here a good weekend!

Sharyn, great news about your brother! And you were even able to talk to him.

Sharyn, it's great to read a nice update about your bro. What a long journey this has been for him, but it's wonderful that he's improving. Your comment about your SIL's cough makes me think my recent bout could have been some extended version, too. I don't ever remember having active cold/cough symptoms for a month, but I had them the entire past month. Boo. Can't wait until everything is better and Spring is in the air. Soon! I remembered why things like ginger and lemon tea is sooo good when you're sick. I hope you have some things to help you cope with your virus.

Girlsaylor, your post reminds me how much work houses can be at times. There were a total of 5 trees that came down during my time at my grandparents house. I removed two smaller ones (because dead or not wanted) myself and got on ladders and sawed away at lower hanging limbs of all of them. There was a generator at that house and it was handy at times when storms would knock out power. Get your flood insurance in place! It's relatively inexpensive, isn't it? There was a flooded basement at the old house and thankfully due to the insurance, a $14k USD mitigation and repair was done to bring the basement back together again.

lol I love fixing up houses and putting in gardens, etc, but this reminds me of how many times, after several years at old house, I said I'd NEVER live in a house again. lol

It's work, but it's mostly fulfilling work, if it's your own investment.

Just getting caught up here.
Sharyn - So happy to read your good news about Bro!

To all that were affected by the terrible storm and that B-cyclone it must have been scary! Hope all is settled and back to normal.

Duck - Hoping to hear you get good news about the biopsy.

waha - It is a hard thing to live with a spouse who is changing before our eyes. Does he have dementia? This is a good place to come for support. Glad you are here.

I have to go but will catch up more later and share my own news.

Hi all..

Just dropped in to say hi and see how everyone is doing. :-)

Sue

Ali-
yes, since we are not in a flood zone, the price isn’t too bad. But really, anywhere on coastal southeast coast can flood. So ima gonna sign up, lol.

Girlsaylor, do it soon as when you purchase it, it will not go into effect for 30 days. And check the maximum payout on structure and possessions on the policy. I believe it will be $500.00 a year. Pretty cheap considering homeowners insurance will not cover flood loss.

Thanks everyone, it is great my brother has turned the corner on his recovery. The dr at the rehab facility he was in for a while, told my sil he would not get any better. I hope my brother walks in there when he’s able and say, hey, remember me?

I have never ever heard of icu delirium until this happened to my brother. It sure can interfere with a persons recovery.

Have a a great day everyone, enjoy some shepherds pie or corn beef and cabbage for St. Patrick’s Day!

Glad, already sent my agent an email. Probably get quote tomorrow. Thanks for having my back!
SharynMarie, I am so sorry for all the troubles your brother has had. Actually, I saw a talk show segment not all that long ago, about delirium. It is apparently misdiagnosed, a lot. Very serious. Stay on it, hope for the best. Baby steps.

Hi all! I have a bit of time so I thought I would share.

I fear we are entering a new phase with my parents. Sadly Mom and Dads abilities have been slowly deteriorating and I think it might be time to talk about the next step. My folks have people staying over night in case of a fall and people come in to do their meds and to help with bathing and housekeeping but they spend a number of hours a day alone in their home.

A few weeks ago Mom fell and got some nasty bruising (nothing broken thank goodness). Dad was able to help her up this time but the last time that happened Mom was on the floor for four hours (she did not use her lifeline).

Friday after work I went to see them and both Mom and Dad were in bed. Dad is often in bed but that was unusual for Mom. Mom was hanging half off the bed so I put her legs up and tucked her in. She said she was tired and slept for an hour while I cleaned the kitchen. On the table were multiple plates and bowls of cold uneaten food (this is the third week in a row there has been food like that on the table).

Mom has become obsessed with feeding Dad because Sis decided they need to record everything he eats to make sure he consumes enough (apparently he lost a few pounds at one point). If a caretaker is not there, it is up to Mom to record Dads food but she has early dementia and loses track. As a result I think Mom has begun putting out multiple plates of food a day. Dad eats plenty but Mom fights with him to eat more. It's a mess. I don't think Sis understands much about cognitive decline and how Moms dementia affects the way she processes information in her mind.

Bro is worried too. He went over to see our parents a couple weeks ago and Mom had burned her sleeve and there was a burned grilled cheese on the stove. Bro and I both think it is time to talk about assisted living again but Sis runs the show and she is dead set against it. She says it is because of what Mom and Dad want but she also talks about preserving their money so there will be an inheritance (bro and I have both told her we do not care about that). Sis uses their money to hire caretakers under the table and pays low wages. She keeps the caretakers hours down as much as possible to save additional money. It's been OK up until now but things are changing. I think they need 24 hour supervision now. I dread going up against Sis and it will likely do no good because she is POA but I think we have to.

On a bright note. I did get that other position and I am finally away from the toxic work situation I was in for the past 3 1/2 years. The new team is great and our lead teacher is quite nice and very professional. She runs her program well and is clear and reasonable with what is expected of us. I am beginning to feel more relaxed and find myself smiling much more.

Take care all.

Trying, good to hear from you.

I think sis needs to spend a couple of weeks with the folks. Then maybe she will realize the help they need. Or get an assessment done by the Agency on Aging or a Geriatric Care Manager.

Does she know that paying someone under the table can cause issues with Medicaid should the folks ever need it? That is to say nothing about the Department of Labor if one of these caregivers were to report it. Sis needs to speak with an elder law attorney to understand the law and to better provide for your folks. The elder law attorney would be on folks' dime.

Glad, I was disheartened to learn Flood Insurance premium has been increased over 20% in only one year! Just how do these prices correlate with the measly cost of living people on Social Security receive?! Must be due to all the hurricane flooding claims in the last couple of years. While we have retirement savings, they won’t go far enough with the insurance and drug pricing increases we are experiencing in the US. I keep tweaking the budget, trimming costs wherever we can. But, frankly, most people don’t earn enough over their lifetime to be putting enough money into a retirement kitty sufficient for today’s prices....gloomy in the head today.
Have been working on compiling records for income tax prep. Daunting task, given interstate move and three hospitalizations, hubs’ two major surgeries, in 2018. My own hospitalization sidelined me months, when I could do virtually nothing more than pet care. Had to teach spouse how to purchase and prepare ready to cook meals at grocery store, as his mother never taught him basic household skills. Did that from my bed. Now I am well enough to do all the home tasks, plus all hubs’ unpaid business support. Unless you call my daily meals my payment for working so hard....dang, I need an attitude adjustment, lol.

Thanks Glad. Sis stays overnight twice a week w Mom and Dad although she gets there at their bedtime and leaves early in the morning so she really does not see them in action for long. I like the idea of bringing in a geriatric care manager but I doubt Sis would do that. I think she just does not want to see reality.

In regards to the labor violations, I have told her at least twice how serous it can be if you are caught paying under the table. She does work with an elder attorney which our folks pay for. According to Sis, the lawyer said what she is doing is OK. I find that hard to believe for the following reason. I ran my own business for over 20 years. In our state the laws are quite strict on contract labor vs hired employees. These caretakers are considered employees and Sis is responsible for paying half their FICA along with deducting all appropriate taxes and filing a W2. She is also responsible for paying workmans comp.

Sis dismisses anything I tell her and accuses me of trying to mess up her efforts if I voice a concern.

Unfortunately I think we are reaching a turning point and I need to decide if I want to get involved or wait for the natural consequences of what is developing to just happen. I might voice my thoughts/ides and make it very clear that I am not going to be available to step in, in any meaningful way, if her current system falls apart. Then let go and let the chips fall where they may.

A few days ago I didnt feel like posting. I have not gotten the biopsy results. I called friday with trepidation but they were not in. I will call tomarrow when I am off for a few days. I just didnt think I could take the excitement of bad or good news.

Besides that this APS investigation has me a nervous wreck, feeling guilty when I know I am not, feeling like it will be a big problem. Deep down I know its needed and feel strong but sometimes I fall into that guilt and blame tool that my sister and mother have used on me.

Saw nephew this weeik and asked him if he called anyone about the bathroom floor. AT first he played dumb like he didnt know what I was talking about even denied the two text messages. Then he says you can fix it. Then I say we can all chip in and get it fixed. He says he doesnt use it and he has already spend enough money. So that had me thinking he is using his money to pay bills which I really dont think so. But the times I check my mothers accounts they were the same no withdrawals that I notitced so if he is doing that then he got some serious issues going on because that is ludicris if he dosent even live there. His mother, my twisted is another story. Before I moved there we went to my daughter in law's grandmother funneral. I drove her car and on the way back I was like let me stop and let my mother get her dogfood and stuff because I would go with her and it was always a load for us to carry walking. Anyways at this point I was on unemployment and it was a deal for me to put gas in the car and return it like I got it. Anyways my mother needed money for dogfood and asked my sister and she said she didnt have any money and I had to turn around and look at her. I kept my mouth shut but wanted to say you live rent free work every day and cant give her something for dog food.

So the jist of my stuggle is that I am hoping they dont bamboozle those people and that they see though the lies and manipulation that I know is going to come forth. I pray if this happens that a way out opens for me because I dont know how much more I can take. This really eats me up. So much unfairness and I am always hoping for justice that sometimes I wonder if it really exists.

Meanwhile, Shams husband and family are haveing a hard time. He is reusing counseling. My aunt says he curses at the kids everyohter word. (Maybe more than ususal but certainly not new for him or sham) the kids says he doesnt cook the meats in fridge are freezer burned. And the Kids are fighting and arguing all the time. Here goes Ms fix it trying to make things right. But truth be told I just checked and a few bits of info I got from the American Cancer Society. I have called them before for my Aunt Mattie years ago and for Sham. They have good programs and services if one reaches out and put in some arm work. They are angry, sad and hurting. Dang I still have to wipe my eyes if I think too long because honestly sometimes I forget she has passed.

So I just get tired of posting this craziness even though it helps sometimes.

And then to top it off. Monday morning, I fed my mother and came on up to go to sleep. I heard my sister or some one go upstairs. And I am guessing she didnt go to work that she had gone out to get breakfast. I heard her walking around the ususal, I fell asleep. Came down to get my mothers meal and found two mice in the drain. Now at first I thought they were tea bags. Then egg plant gone bad and somehow ending up in the drain. It one you can remove and dump. so I am like do not touch it you dont know what your mother has in there. Sure enough when I dumped it in a plastic grocery bag it was two mice. What got my attention was a tail. Man!! that did something to my psyche. I have a hard enought time getting them off the trap without a performance of some kind depending on where my head is. This "F^34" me up in my head and my heart.
Becuase someone had to put them there. If it was my mother then that is stone cold proof

That she needs supervision. If not then I truly feel that there are some very negative forces at work in that house.

Thank you all for the prayer and support. I think thats why I felt like I saw some hope today and grabbed onto it. Did some work in my room which is another source of depression. And it seems that things are coming together and that maybe its all going to be for the good. I know prayer works.

I am always so grateful for this forum. It has helped me so much and I thank each and everyone of you for sharing and posting. These things may not seem like much but they are inspiring and motivational. Its empowering to hear good news after a storm. Survival. The endurance that I see so many go through so much and still post and help others in their exprience and wisdom.

Aslo I watched "Red Sparrow" The suspense was so good in a different kind of way that I was motivated into action! LOL.

Rays of love to you all.

Duck, do you really feel it possible that mom or someone else placed the mice there?

I caught a mouse once years ago in a new house. I had heard the cat doing something in the unfinished basement. Went down to investigate and cat was curious over a rolled up rug on the floor. Stood the rug up a bit and out scampered the mouse. Caught it in one of those Leggs plastic containers and outside it went. The cat, a worthless one, was scared to death.😳

Hope news from doc tomorrow is good. I think they would have called to schedule an appointment if it is bad. So do not fret until you know you have something to fret over.

OMG, I hate snakes and rodents! A couple of years back, I saw my three kitties in the screened lanai had something cornered. The two boys were letting my big black female do the work. She had a great big black snake cornered. I am ignorant as to how to identify snakes, petrified even of pictures of snakes. It was dusk, and I was afraid one of the cats would get bitten. Spouse picks up his favorite of the cats, runs back inside to safety, and watches me from inside the house. Dang, I hate when men can’t find their pair! I grabbed an empty cat litter bucket and chased that snake round the pool. He was probably five feet long. Managed to get him corned, scooped up into a bucket, ran out the screen door, threw him, bucket and all, across the yard, into a neighbor’s yard. Wanted him outa there, like now! Went back, scooped up the other small male cat, took him in the house, glared at the husband who couldn’t find his own pair! Mad! But, then remembered I had to check all the cats for possible bites. It was a rough night, for me. The other half just settled back down in front of the tv.

tragic accident with a four wheeler about 7-10 days ago people out here buy those small vehicles for hunting and recreation, and but a blade to push snow. Very nice vehicles, neighbor bough two Polaris a few months ago. They were out riding them wife fell off somehow. Landed on her had and has now been in the hospital more than a week now. I just heard about this today.

Young couple, about the age of my kids, young children. She is not doing well. Really don't know much, but having difficulty. One side of her body is not moving, speech is very difficult for her. They removed her from the ventilator on Sunday. She is still hanging in there.

So terribly tragic turn for this couple with children. I will be saying prayers tonight.😢

My mom continues the decline. She's not eating much, refuses help to feed her. She's losing the strength to wheel her chair very far, the weakness affects her ability to aid in transfer. I've been going over at lunch to encourage some hydration at least... I know it's a bit futile....her body is tired and she's been so unhappy. It's been a long journey, some good memories, some bad ones, much learning along the way. I feel....sort of sad. Mainly that she's been so unhappy when things were actually pretty nice.

I know it’s a long shot, but if I’m close to anybody in coastal GA, needing a little support, send up the flag.
Hope everybody is hanging in there today.
Linda, peace be with you during these difficult times.
My day was brightened again today. Living in such a wonderful neighborhood, we are very active on two social media groups. There is a young family here, two young children, one a toddler. The veteran father has severe heart, artery, and other issues that could not be handled locally, so was life-flighted to Emory a few weeks ago. Several very dangerous surgeries later, he finally came home, to gain strength, and wait for the next round of surgeries. Just found out his dialysis port is problematic, rushed back to the hospital. While we try to give the family space, we also are trying to help meet their needs, so the wife can be out of town with her husband. We have a neighbor who has organized a food train to allow us to take meals to the sitter and two young children. We also have a fabulous local cook/caterer, who is donating meal delivery for those who cannot cook and deliver, but want to purchase one of her dinners for the family. I sent a meal a couple of weeks ago. The caterer neighbor will swing by on her way to deliver another meal, to grab a gas card I picked up at a discount, knowing how much the extra gas can affect the budget. Just went through it with my hubs’ December hospitalizations and surgeries. We are all on standby, to support the family as their needs are made known to us, yet trying to keep the intrusions into their home at a minimum. The prognosis is not good for this veteran, and they have lost their medical benefits, when the wife had to quit her job and go per diem, to care for her family. Please, for those who are spiritual, prayers lifting them up will be so appreciated. For those who send well-wishes, please send this family strength.
thank you!

cherokee - sorry about your husband. The smell of smoke is so nasty for non smokers. Sounds like he is having some dementia symptoms and making your life difficult.

sharyn - so good to hear the news of your bro. He is still making progress!!! Electric pressure cookers. are great! I have heard of ICU delirium. Being in ICU is very hard on people.

ali - hope you are still feeling better,

trying -so good to see you back. Sorry that mum and dad are declining, but I guess it is to be expected. More sorry that your sis is still in such denial. Taking a stand will be difficult,but your parents need more care. Staying unavailable f the system falls apart, is the right thing to do. Great about the new position -congratulations!!!, It will be so much better for you.

glad -so sorry to hear about the young couple -prayers. Keep us updated.

girlsaylor - you sure are keeping busy!!! A snake! Yikes!!!!! Prayers for the family near you too.

Hi susan - hope things are good with you.

duck - hoping for decent biopsy results. and the APS review. Deep breaths and deal with it when it happens. You get good marks for endurance too.

Linda - (((((hugs))))) sounds like your mum is declining. I am sure her body is tired and her mind too. I felt badly that mother was always so unhappy when many people would have appreciated all that she had. She used to see whatever was bad - not the good things. Please keep us updated.

Finally we are having some great weather and the snow is melting quickly. It's been a long time coming.

Take care all

Spending some time today going through the remains of what we brought here from the NH.. This afternoon I am sorting some writings mother did when she was in the geri psych hospital. She said it helped her to write out what was on her mind. Holy smokes, she was quite out of touch with reality at times, including her comparison of me and my sis. Definitely some delusions there!!! However, she wrote a beautiful description of the old cemetery where my father is buried and where her ashes will be interred. I think I will type it up and give copies to anyone who comes. The rest will be burned. I found a 2 drawer filing cabinet that was mother's from over 4 years ago containing papers which no one needs. That will be one of the next things to go. I have 4 bags of clothing to go to the thrift shop - some mine, some mother's. And I have a feeling of accomplishment as one more container is emptied. I am so happy that nothing more will be brought into my house other than things I have ordered/bought for my own use. Yay!!!

My mom is eating better, depending on the day. I explained to the therapist who's been working with her that if they just give her soup at lunch and dinner, she'll probably eat it. She really likes soups. Her brace is really too big, since her muscle mass is less. The brace guy will assess it next week. It's a safety problem, since she needs to be steady enough for transfers. I'm really hoping they can modify it, rather than making a new brace--- it was quite a process 9 years ago. And who knows if the insurance company will authorize a new one. We'll see.

Neighbor is doing a bit better. Spoke with her FIL yesterday, she is now able to move the side of the body that she couldn't.

Spoke to a nurse friend last night. She said that having the respirator so soon is a good sign. Turns out the accident was last Friday, so just a week ago now. I think of them often, this is having more effect on me than I think it should. Or is that affect? I can never get those two straight.

Well, blizzard last week, pouring rain tonight, tornado warning and damage to a dairy northwest of here. Snowing south and east of here. Very strange weather patterns this year.

Dd2 was to close on their home yesterday and the new one. Their closing developed problems, so haven't closed on new one either. At least it is spring break so they have all week next week to get situated.

Golden, so they are cleaning out, like you, but now excited to get their stuff out of boxes that has been packed for a month.

Tragedies like that are why they passed helmet laws for ATVs in Ontario (and elsewhere), there is still the problem of people getting crushed in rollovers though.

Oh, just a little drive-by grumpy post, since I feel like I'm wearing out Whine thread.

I'm TIRED. I'm achingly, stunningly, depressingly tired. I think it's because I was sick for so long perhaps, and my body is still trying to get a small amount of clear fluid out of my lungs every day. I'm taking cough medicines - expectorant and suppressant - to manage symptoms and that's going ok.

A friend is having her birthday get together tonight, Saturday evening, starting around 9pm. I'd like to go. I think I'm just too miserably tired, though. I'm at work now, counting down the minutes until I can go home and get in bed. I feel like too many of my days are like this, where it's all about work and then falling into bed. That's ok most of the time but on a weekend when I want to do something else, it's readily apparent I just don't have any leftover energy to do fun stuff. Boo.

In a way, I miss the steroids in my system. I felt UP for a change!

A friend suggested that I start each day with some apple cider vinegar, said that it had helped increase his energy levels. Who knows if it will help but I started taking it. Something's got to give.

And this has nothing to do with caregiving but I think my caregiving years didn't help this. I keep thinking about things I was doing in the first year of caregiving and I know I'm not that person anymore. I just don't have the same "oomph" and that's ok. But I'd like some of the "oomph" back, please and thanks.

Hope everybody is having some good moments this weekend. Hugs for those who need than. Don’t we all?!
Went to the corner shopping center parking lot to pick up fresh locally grown produce. Local farm produce operation drives down to southern GA/north FL weekly, runs a Produce stand at the local farmers market. They bring a produce truck to Southside Thurs-Sat, and have a strong business following here. So fresh, delish! Also bringing up beautiful plants, hanging baskets. I purchased several pots of herbs to plant a little herb garden. The mints will be potted up, being invasive little creatures. Got Culantro, some fluffy fringed, delicate dill variety, chocolate mint, basil, orange mint, garden mint, parsley, and more. Love the different mints and basils, just a nice bit of fragrance. Relaxes me to have a smelling session, lol.
Since it was a beautiful day, I dug up three long pressure treated 4X4s, just thrown in the backyard, discarded by the PO. Ah, fixer upper older homes. So much work. I don’t have a spud bar, but I have one of those long handle tools to turn water off at the street. Figured, I’m older, female, not too strong, so don’t have enough strength to bend or break. Pried those babies out of the ground. But alas, can’t lift them. The man across the street is doing a major roof tear off, replacing rotten wood underneath, has a dumpster out front. Asked if I might put three landscaping ties in his dumpster, no problem. But couldn’t lift them. Hubs not able to help. So put post on neighborhood social media site asking for help. I had two neighbors there within fifteen minutes! Wow, these are such good people here. Of course, the guys said they were so glad to get away from helping the wives man the neighborhood garage sale. Lol!
So, I’m tuckered out, sore from the hard work, but ready for jammies and a movie. Maybe plant herbs tomorrow.

A TV, roll overs. Happened to a man at work about six weeks ago. He was "exercising" the sheriff's A TV, quite well I guess, rolled it and broke six ribs. Other than that he was ok, but out of work for about four weeks.

Duck, any news?

Ali, sorry about your lethargy. I feel like that quite often. I am just on the border on the anemic scale and have very low blood pressure so often I feel weak and dizzy if I stand too quickly. Have you had your iron checked?

Golden isn't it so nice when you've cleared out junk. Such a good feeling.