The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gershun, white coat syndrome generally refers to the deceptively high reading that some people get for some reason after they've been snubbed by the receptionist, spent an hour and a half in a waiting room squished in between a teething baby and a smelly man with bronchitis and finally get seen eighty minutes past their appointment time by a twelve year old doctor who doesn't see fit to apologise that they've been kept waiting. Funny, that.

What is your blood pressure normally, is the thing. If this is unusually low and you have other symptoms, go and get seen. Don't guess and don't wait.

Heard from ts2 last night, email. She said she was working on putting a single document together. Heck it is in a single document now as a summary. That summary spreadsheet came from something. I would prefer the original documents anyway. That is the only way that discrepancies could be discovered anyway. Where did that 35k go? It has reappeared but I small a rat.

Maybe I should request proof that both twisteds still have account setup that mom started for each of us. A requirement of the trust is that each of us keep that account. Hmmm, makes me wonder.

Gladimhere, Cute dog in your avatar.

Yes, used up, very cute pup. Not mine, had to put down my golden a year and a half ago. Think about another sometimes. Thought maybe the pic would help. Just don't know if I want the responsibility of a dog again. Put that pic up on international puppy day.

I was just asking about this on your profile, Glad. :-) Cute doggo avatar.

Thanks for the encouragement polarbear and golden23. This site is kinda hard to use and keep traxk of everyone but I appreciate the replies.
My mom passed away 3 yrs ago and didn't want me to end up caretaking but here I am because I hate feeling like I'm a bad person and my grandma threatens to not talk to me if I move out and I feel she needs me. (Im kinda messed up maybe I need to be needed?) Its my fault I haven't left yet.
Update on me staying away 1 night a week: I'm going to do it. She doesn't want help finding someone to stay with her and says she'll stay with her brother.
She tells me it'd be better if I just moved out. i don't know if its just her trying to make me feel bad or what. She says won't accept my help if I leave/try to live my own life.
I feel like if I stay away or leave and she falls it'll be my fault. I bet she'll fall on purpose because she's really dramatic like that.

I hope this post finds everyone in good spirit and health.

I finally got intouch with APS. Case manager for meals on wheels says he has been calling and came to house and left number. I filled out something on web a while back and I have been getting at lots and lots of scam calls. Anyways I check the messages and none were from APS . When I did contact the gentleman on the case his call back numbers 1, his cell phone which I noticed had called me around the 13th of last month. I called back and didnt get answer. In fact the his office numbers did same thing one just automatically hung up so this is why I missed him.

Well we are on point now. I have his office number and cell phone. He will be coming to house in am this week. I am a nervous wreck but I know this is the right thing. Shysta is going to hit the fan. By the way twisted turned shower head to spary me this past sunday. It kind of made me feel good to know I pissed her off about something. Talking to a lady on the bus today really helped she was like mess her up by not paying it anymind. I have done that a life time with her crazy and it just empowers her. I am praying that the smoke screens and manipulations, lies and most of all the truth comes out.

I am prepared for some retaliation. God's justice will prevail. I pray for strength and preseverance thoughtout this investigation. I am rolling up my sleeves and getting ready for the fight its will be a done deal by the end of the week. I will learn more about the process when we meet.

I sure hope you all are in good spirits. I am not caught up but Gershun, that pressure is not proper at all and I hope by now you have addressed it with a medical doctor.

My pressure is still high. I have just learned about coconut water. Very high in potassium. It helps to bring it down. Whats great for me is it brings down the diastolic pressure (lower number) which most meds just dont do for me. So my numbers are still red on the readings and sometimes normal on the systolic.

I dont believe in coincidences. My friend and neighbor was in a less cantankerous way this morning and susgesst yoga and breathing, that I take care of me as I go thought this. I soaked it up. On bus a woman said the same thing to me as we talked. Also a woman was on the train and just started crying her friend was sitting next to me and she missed a seat by a second by a women. You just never know what people are going though and how there is always someone or something worse. My heart went out to her, I had to fight to hold back tears. The train was crowded but I want to put my arm around her and tell her what I have seen in each and every moment I have been in the pain that makes you cry. That we have to look to God, He got us in his hand. And that its going to be alright.

I am so trying to learn to live by letting go and letting God. Trying to make things happen, make people happen, please everyone and make things right and how I want them to be. Then look up after being broken and rejected to see its only me and God. And His Presence is very true.

Anyways, I am still exhausted, tired, I have something to look forward to. I am gong to check out a yoga place two blocks away I found on line. Try to change and love myself.

Rays of light and love to all. and SMILE!!!

Golden sciatica did Cross my mind. I will Check And see suggestions help. Glad you are feeling better.

JAmma
I agree with previous responses. Guilt, shame and blame are powerful tools dont call into the trap. Your intuition tells you truth. You are young. Follow your dreams. Try and get her help or support and move out. What we think is love will suck you dry then kick you to the curb thinking you did something wrong

Duck, I hope that all goes well with APS and results in needed improvements and care for mom.

We need to be careful about our own health and the effects of dealing with our difficult parents. I got a call last night that my mom was quite confused and upset. I spoke with her for a little while, and she had no idea where she was or that she lived there. She expected to be dropped off at my house. I've never seen her with that level of confusion and rolled with it. Then she shifted into snarky mode. I remained calm and thought I was ok when I hung up. I took my blood pressure a little later, and was still up 20 points. My pulse rate didn't go to normal until 1AM. They'll check for a UTI and it's possible there was a TIA. In any case, it made me realize this stuff takes more of a toll than we realize. I need a new plan to manage the stress of dealing with her.

Gershun - how's your blood pressure doing? I hope you are feeling better.

cm -for me white coat syndrome relates to the doctor. I had proper readings with only one doctor - a very laid back guy. Go figure.

glad - I suspect there is a rat at work, You are right you need details. Are you going to ask for proof re the accounts? Such a mess!

jamma - your grandma is pushing your guilt buttons. It certainly would be healthier for you to be away from her. I am glad you are staying away 1 night a week for a start. Her falling would not be your fault. She needs some care, and if her brother can do it, you are off the hook. Take care of you!

duck - let go and let God is good. You can't change others or some situations, and many you can't please. Working on loving yourself is great. Did APS come? How is the groin pain?

Linda - oh my, I realize the need for self care more and more -even after the fact. Yes, the negativity and criticism affect us even when we think we are doing well. How is you mum -did she have a UTI or TIA? What's your new plan for dealing with the stress? If I had to do it again, I would have detached and distanced sooner and more.

Having more better days from the FM. Melatonin seems to be helping. And the better weather must help too. Saw a blue jay in the garden and my squirrel friend is out and about. The driveway s clear of snow but I still have a pile on the front lawn. That's normal for April here.

I am going through some emotions related to mother's passing. After 3 months feelings tend to come out more, I am flaky, getting stressed over a few things that normally I wouldn't - that kind of thing. It's not major but it is there. I certainly am not missing her, but I guess it is an adjustment period for "life after a narc mother" and a time of finding my new normal. After 80+ years. I am coming out from under the narc rule - something I longed for all my life and it is finally here, It's a good thing, just different, and I have to figure out what I want from here on in.

Take care all - no one is more affected by that than you, and you are worth it.

Golden, just take it slow and easy. You will get there. I had about two years between caregiving and mom's passing. It was a very strange two years for me. I went from doing all, moving out of state, so doing nothing at all. My grief, I think was over that four years of providing care.

Yes, I have requested detail four times now since Decemeber and the 35K discrepancy. Nothing provided so far. Told ts2 that spreadsheet format should be downloadable through the bank. How does she respond? Thanks for the info. Heck, she knows that. Just hopes that I am as stupid as she thinks I am. A court order I think is the on my way. That option will also include that she pay her own attorney fees and mine.

Golden. thx for asking. I checked blood pressure day before yesterday and it was a healthy 111 over 76. My pulse a little high at 96 beats per min. but I'll take it.

Received some disturbing news. Those who know me on here know I have a brother with schizophrenia and an addiction problem.He suffered a brain aneurysm on the 6th and is in I C U. He is stable for now. Prayers much appreciated.

Gershun- I am so sorry. I will keep him in my prayers.

Take care Golden. There is much to process and feelings are so unpredictable.

Hi All, just popping in with an update on my life, as we have been very busy getting our housing in order since we sold our house this past Feb 7th.

Oh what an incredible release and relief to have sold our house, put all our worldly possesions in storage, and be totally and completely free of any incumberences for the very first time in 35 years! We have been literally living out of a couple suitcases in my Fave Sister's attached MIL Apt, which has been great, and it has been the most Freeing feeling Ever, but it wasn't intended to be a permanent thing, and we knew it wouldn't last forever, LOL!

First up though, I have been reading and keeping up the forum, especially those of you that I have befriended and followed all these years, and I am wishing you all the best, even though I don't post all that often, know I am thinking of you!

So, after countless hours of housing research, following the market trends on Condo prices and all of the in and outs of contemplating this type of community living (ie; hallways, attached walls, stairs, sometimes only balconies and no yards for my Charlie pup), I was greatly concerned that my husband would not be happy not having at least a little garden to putter in, no close at hand garage or even a garden hose to wash the car and space to putter as he so desperately needs to feel alive, a Gorgeous Manufactured home came available in a park near our old house, and I approached the subject of a Manufactured home with my hubby to which he immediately replied "NO!".

However, We had gone to this mobile home park a couple of times over the years to their community Garage sales that they hold each summer, and this particular home ticked all of the boxes that we both felt might be a good fit for us in our retirement, but unfortunately as fast as it came on the market, it was gone in a blink.

This got us to thinking that a Mobile Home just might not be a bad idea for us, we could purchase one outright for cash with lots of principle from our house sale leftover to invest, and only be responsible for our space rent, which often (does) includes water, sewer and garbage in the price, and so I began seriously looking into it and found a really nice older but nicely remodeled home in a 55 and older park, with a beautiful pool and busy private senior community center to boot!

Well I really did my homework, we toured the home a few of times, and I spoke with several of the other "neighbors", and they all had great things to say about the place. So after much consideration and speaking with our kids, We bought it!

So we are now the Proud owners of a Mobile Home, and the deal closes on 4/16! The house is super cute, 1344 sq ft so a nice size for the 2 of us, very clean and tidy, it has a remodeled kitchen, a new roof, all new windows and doors, a sky light, 2 bed, 2 full bath with "garden tub", Lol, I did always want a big deep oval tub! There is a 10x16 fully finished and air conditioned shed, a 3 car tandem carport on one side, so room for my husband's Corvette (which has been at our Son's home. We thought we might have to sell it after having it 30 years as no place to permanently keep it, and on the other side is a great big covered deck (just like you Glad, you know I was so jealous of yours!), plus the house backs up against a greenbelt with a little creek running through it! So it ticks All our boxes, and We are really in Love with the place!

We Think we have gotten rid of just enough junk to fit into it quite nicely, and are very excited! It is well within our budget, and we will be able to save enough to have a weekend away each month or save up for a few nicer vacations each year, plus really enjoy ourselves without financial worries for the first time Ever!

So now we are in the process of buying and having all new carpet, and the bathrooms flooring replaced, and I've already bought all new curtains too. So begins decorating our new place, and we are so excited! Love to you all!

Thank-you Trying my Best!

Stacey, wonderful to hear from you! I still have boxes to unpack. Going to visit kiddos this weekend.

And you found a place that sounds great and hubby can do his necessary puttering and maybe not get on your nerves.😬

Thanks Glad,
I know that unpacking is a bugger, and can really take some time to dig out. Just this morning Hubby and I went out and bought new furniture for our new family room, we found a gorgeous dark grey reclining sofa and loveseat set in the most scrumptious microfiber material that almost feels like velvet, so pretty! New lift-top coffee table and end table set too, plus 2 sadle top counter stools for kitchen island with teal leather tops and nickle nailhead trim. It feels good to spoil ourselves a bit after so many years of parental care, and finally it's all coming together, phew, it's OUR time once again!

I hope you are fairing allright in this recent snow storm, qhat a doozie, and that your new home is coming along beautifully too! Hugs Sweetie!

Gershun, thinking of you and your brother. Hang in there.
Hooray for you, Stacey! New digs are such a treat - and adding new furnishings makes all feel fresh and new.
I have learned over many years that our other halves need to feel accommodated when looking at new digs. The one doing the cooking is impressed with a nice kitchen, a shoe queen needs storage for her shoes, a man needs to House his fill-in-the-blank car, motorcycle, boat, workshop, whatever. Gotta love them!
Struggling with stomach flare, took additional meds for the IBS-D, meds for bile acid malabsorption. Many bathroom trips and much discomfort the last few days. Just have to get through it. I was able to make us gas house eggs and ham for dinner. Easy, as I keep breakfast meats cooked up, to microwave for quick protein breakfast and when I need something non-carb for blood sugar regulation. Bread was stale, so made good toast. The rest is now bread crumbs for meatloaf. Lol, despite stomach pain, why do I even think of food?!

Gershun, my prayers are with you, hang in there and dont forget to take care of yourself.

Stacey, its was so lovely hearing all the details about your new mobile home. Sounds wonderful. Also the nice furniture you and hubby picked out. I am so happy for you both. I would love to hear about your plans for landscape or plants around the house sounds like a lot of space.

Glad, I do miss hearing about your progress. looking forward to hear more about your landscaping also.

Ah!! Golden, your post really bought tears. I think the issue with narc parents and their victim children is that we become so attached. We are so programmed around them that it is hard to break that connection in any way. So I cry every dang time I see my mother go through a new stage any change I am sensitive to her every need and frustrated.

She was a major essence in you and your existence is shocking to not have to go to that process, the stress, the thoughts, the love and concern any longer.Part of narcissim I thing is that we have an adult who needs us because of who we are and programed us to meet that need.
You were on top of and all over her care and residences continually. You took good care and I am sure that deep down she knew and counted on that.

MY hear and prayers are with you Golden..

So the APS visit was not at all what I thought. I kind of felt like it may be useless. The bottom line was if my mother needs care then they will do what they can to see that she gets it. He also mentioned that it was clear that money was not an issue.

As far as the repairs and responsibities in the house he says they are not interested in what we say about each other or do.

They will be sending a doctor out to evaluate my mother and see if she needs care and go from there. He asked for my sisters number, I gave him my nephew's she is not in my phone. She is a narcissist and I dont have anymore ties to her.

This past saturday they had someone come and fix gate again. I guess it must have fallen in on her or something. It was not done properly in the first place. Anyways she come though as I am cooking plug long extention though window and goes upstairs. I look out and see man is fixing the gate door to entrance under the stoop. So this man is welding, blows the fuse in lhouse 4 times. Each time I have to let him in. Nephew came by earilier didnt speak nor I too him. Not to mention I am still twisted for being blamed for the gate falling in in first place. The ingnorance in being strong in wrong really irks me. So I felt like telling the man to call twisted from top floor and let him in each time fuse blew. But I didnt.

I know they are not going to answer any calls form APS. It was good to hear that they do not care what we say about one another becuase I dont know what my twisted says about me, (heard some) but what ever it is it makes people look at me like they hate me, or want to do something. She is a beautiful liar.

I am thinking that if this doctor finds my mother in need of better care or more care than she is getting and they do not answer their calls, then it will become legal. I hope it does, my mother needs better quailty of care than she is getting.

I was and at times still am very emotional. This is my only resort. If nothing is done thought this then maybe this is my mothers karma and I need to leave it alone. My debt will take years to pay off as the intersest is crazy and should be illegal. If I live to see it and am able to afford to rent or move, I will be "Audi" here. Maybe I will hit a lottery and can move me and my mother Lol. As I have said before I do not need to be in charge. I have been taking care of her in one way or another all my life. I have been her step stool, girl friday, maid, and scapegoat and my goodness there are times when I see myself post the narc trauma. I am trying to recover, to love my self and learn not to depend on her or anyone depending on my as love.

To day, when I called a my friend T (we went to his church for Thanksgiving) his mother was in background, he is in his late 60,'s and his mother seems to have moved into a stage my mother was inway back with the accusations of stealing. He put her on the phone. She was not a joke at all. She was assualting him on the phone. It was sad to hear. Later as I was tell T just dont say anything, I can remmeber my cousin G who is passed on saying Just dont say nothing! And this was when I was a teen. Its so hard to be lied on even when you know its dementia. She went from him stilling her jewelry, to her flowers, to locking her closet. Then he says she was trying to fight him like a man. She almost started on my when I tried to defend him. Anyway before he used to have me laughing because she had a large appetite. when i complain that my mother was not eating. Well, now she is not eating at all.
Caregiving is not a job for the weak or cowards. I really felt for T because I know the pain of accusation but just to see that deterioration in the least bit tears at my heart.

So, I think this letting go spirit I am in is good. I hope I stay grounded here. I had moments where I was thinking I was a traiter with the APS issue. I new it was my post truamatic narcissist history, blame, guilt and shame. I found my way out of it and even as I thought this I was surprised at the thought. whew!! I know I am messed up.

Anyways I am not pushing the surgery issue right now although I am suspecting to be having surgery in May or June.

The groin pain and leg and knew pain was horrible on thurday. It I dont know if it was the barometric pressure but there was a thunderstorm threat and I wasnt the only one with increased pain. It was hard to just turn around in bed. I did look up some exercises. The knew was just hurting as I lay in bed. Hell, I dont know what I am going to do if i live to see my seventies, I am almost 60. But I see the groan is worse with a lot of sitting. I am also suspecting that having had to pull that gate shut in order to lock it also plays apart. Its working smoothly now. thank goodness.

And my pressure today was 135/85!!!! amazing. No wonder I was feeling good!!
I have started taking potassium pills. The coconut water contains depending on container 550 - 750mg potassium. I take cozaar and was warned to be careful of my potassium intake. Potassium levels too high or low can cause serious heart dysrrhythmias.

My son will be leaving Korea next June so I will be going again for Thanksgiving. That is the holiday I spend with them everyyear anyway.
I was in debate on if and when I would go as my funds were getting tight and low.But now I feel good to have made a decision. I was thinking to go for my birthday in september. I would love to get to Thailand on this last trip if I can.

Anyways that is basically my update. I hope this post found you all in better spirits and good health.

Today I met a man in train station with palms. I was like wow palm sunday here already. He gave me a few and then during train ride I learned he was organist for a church in neighborhood dying to get his car back and and a voice and music teacher. So now I am going to check him out on utube.

Rays of Love and Strength to all!! Smile!!!

Thank for the comments on dad. As for listening to my wife, I am not covering my ears, I keep them open. We are communicating every day. It is hard for her as it is hard for me. We took her sister in when she had brain cancer, I care for her brother half the way across the country as he is in a NH ( I do the calls and deal with the decisions for her). It is a partnership. She is very gracious on taking care of my family but it is straining. We get 2 hours every so often to be husband and wife with no one around. Having sounds and ears around is difficult becasue what ever we say or do gets commented on. I didn't think about what I was in for when I signed up. Of course siblings are not in sight.
As far as dad, yes I plan to have him here for the rest of his life so that may be a long time. Not sure I can change it now.
It is straining on me. On one hand I see friends with their parents and they seem to have a better grasp than I do. Other friends have similar issues. Not the place I wanted to be at this point.
Thank for listening......

TG, you have never answered the question "have you put dad's name on waiting lists for supportive senior housing in your area?".

You father is a good candidate for Assisted Living. He can apply for Medicaid. I don't understand why you resist at least looking into this option.

TG how long did your sister in law live with you - a year? Two? And your wife's brother is in a nursing home and only requires arms length supervision, right? It shouldn't be tit for tat but in any case I can't see that the scales are in any way balanced - I think it is very unfair of you to compare the sacrifices you have made for your wife's family to her sacrifice in having your father dominate her home for decades.
Once upon a time you mentioned getting some therapy, what ever happened with that? Why do you feel so resigned to "As far as dad, yes I plan to have him here for the rest of his life so that may be a long time. Not sure I can change it now." Why are you so resistant to even considering any other options?

I think you should never set the bar unrealisticly high for yourself, especially when providing long term care for a loved one.

Don't put yourself in a position with your mindset that you'll feel like you have failed should you change your mind about what you can handle in the future.

Saying my father is here till he dies is doing that IMO.

Well, it's been another rollercoaster couple of days. Talked with Mom yesterday afternoon, and she was in a terrific mood. Called her back in the evening (she had leftover takeout chicken she was warming up - all excited), and she didn't answer the phone. Finally called me back. Never thought she'd be alone, rotten supper. She only eats snacks (she has fridges full of food). I think she didn't make it to the restroom in time. We've gone over - go on a regular basis, even if you don't have to go, get Depends with more coverage, etc. She refuses. I don't know if she wants me around to diaper her, carry her to the restroom, do the cleanup, not sure. Basically, I'm a rotten daughter. She really wanted a big old fight. Nope. Phone went on mute and the volume went down to almost none. I sat writing in my journal furiously, but didn't say one word.
So I call her tonight. Two calls, no answer. She calls me back. Did you call twice? Yes. She has caller id, so I know it was fishing for something. She got some wash done today, but that was it. We go into her greatest hits again - never thought she'd be alone, rotten daughter, how dare I buy a house on my own without asking anyone's opinion (aka - her opinion), three bedrooms - what was I thinking? Then she said she wouldn't mention again about my needing to go to the dentist (this is the 100th last time she was mentioning it - at least). Ironically, she did not do a thing for my crooked teeth as a child, worrying about the cost. We had the funds, more than enough. She said she didn't know what to do or where to take me. Uh, neighbor kids had braces, so that's BS. A family who had virtually no money got braces for a classmate of mine. When I saw her beautiful teeth, and she made sure to say hi to me, right after high school, I wanted to crawl into the ground. Her family gave a damn about her. Mine, clearly did not. Mom also participated in many 'bucky beaver' jokes at my expense, which she now denies. But she did so much for me! She's tried to work on our relationship, doesn't know what's wrong with me!! What a laugh. She never asked me ever about my hopes and dreams, just told me to do this and do that. She quite frankly only saw her kids as objects, extensions of herself and not separate people. If you dared to like something different, she'd make fun of you. There's just so much water under the bridge, which she doesn't understand, because she thinks she was the best mother, hardest worker in the world. Yeah, she worked hard, but it was so everyone would give her praise. And she'd point that out to everyone, look how much I did in the yard! Just needed attention all the time. It was her castle, her way, no deviation allowed.
Now she's on a kick that she doesn't want my brother to have to walk in the rain (if it rains on Easter Sunday) to her house. He doesn't park in her driveway if I'm there. I'm like so you want me to leave before he gets there? Well.....
So you want me to come and do your housework but don't want me to go to church with you? Fine. I said I won't come. Problem solved. Radio silence. Then she went on a rant how she wouldn't allow a dirty car in her garage. "You have stuff all over your car". Yes, and most of it is cleaning supplies to clean up your messy house (didn't say that but that is what it is). Your car is always so dirty. I would always do my work before I'd play. Your brother keeps things so neat. Yeah, he's almost obsessive compulsive about being clean. Everything is done via passive aggressive digs - you're reading into stuff. Uh huh. Doubtful I'll be going there this weekend. She's really wanting a big old fight, and I don't care enough to drive there just to fight.

Thanks for the questions. No, I have not put dad on a list for senior housing. Can't do that. Some people can, I can't. As far as my SIL, it was a short term but long time dealing with it ramping up to her death then the aftermath of paperwork. I had 2 piles of paperwork on each side of my desk for a year with my SIL and my BILs medical estate issues.
I did make a commitment to my dad to take care of him, silly me, I thought my siblings would help as they said they would but alas, not.
I can't very well put dad in a facility when I have the resources here. Even if he were in an apartment in a senior complex he wouldn't take care of himself. Unless there was a staff of people to wait on him it wouldn't be a good picture. He doesn't do lonely well as the country song goes. He does get out for church committees and his lodge. His car is about ready to go and he has no money for another. I have my daughters car here she uses when she is home and my wife is adamant for him not to use it (it was her sisters given to our daughter). I guess I have to look for a used car now for him if his croaks this summer. Cant afford another car payment.
It is just when it is me and my wife it is nice here, when one person is in the house the tension rises, just the snippets of comments made at the most unopprotune time is frustrating. Just my b*tching.
I know I should do something about senior housing but I can't bring myself to it, The relationship[ would be severed. Like when he was in rehab I had to visit him daily and bring food and clothes, that is what it would be like and made so much worse that I would rather deal with it here. I will talk with my sister to see if he can go to her place for a month this summer. Maybe that would help. Need a a break after 5 years.

FYI, therapy is not for me, had to do it as a child (way too much water under that bridge to discuss) and then marriage counseling many years ago. Took 3 counselors to go through to find one who helped in 2 visits. The first one took sides, the second one had us fighting even more, the third one said "I cant fix you, you have to fix your selves, here are the tools".... and we did! That was over 20 years ago. We have been great ever since, not easy but it is us and we are very happy together. Marriage is hard work and we know it but we are in it together.