The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I came here because I am at my wits end... Today I am horrible... Maybe I'll sleep n be good in the morning. If things move 2 inches I took them. If the room isn't 70 I'm trying to freeze her... Most days I'm ok... Tonight I want to scream. Some says are just so much worse than others... Sorry... New here. Just venting to people who may understand.

Chriss, people on here do understand, trust me. Keep on venting.

This is such a great place! Honestly, it makes it a little easier, and lets me know that I'm not completely crazy.
Mom was in an okay-ish mood last night when I called her. Grumpy and went on mini tirades, but not full Armageddon type rants.
I kept comments to very bland responses, and topics to like the weather (oh it's rotten weather - which I'm sure is all MY fault - LOL).
I could tell she wanted a big old fight or reaction from me, to get validation that she'd upset me. Nope. I was cool as a cucumber on the phone. I vented in my journal big time, though.

Today, late morning, I get a call from Mom. I'm like oh she wants something. Yeah, she wanted to yell at me. Do you know how to clean a bathroom? Yes. Well you didn't shake out the rug (this is all in the guest bathroom), and the shower curtain wasn't pulled one way or the other. Keep in mind I cleaned her filthy bathroom, pee and poop stains on the floor, toilet which was an awful mess, cleaned off her countertop and sink - which I had to scrub. That one got me - you can't take a wipe and run it over the sink once a week? And, I did shake out the rug - did so to all her rugs.
The phone went on mute and she ranted away, how she'd had to clean up many times after I'd left, with poop on or all over the toilet (lies). I actually kept the phone on mute as she just went on and on - I was blamed for everything wrong in her life. I'm totally selfish, I never do a damned thing for her! She really wanted to elicit a response from me, to show that she'd upset me (she did - made me mad). I think it's because (1), she's in such a bad mood so she wants me to be in a bad mood, too; (2) she's a narcissist and any attention is needed to fill the void she has; (3) it's a way to get control and power - if I say something back to her or get angry and start WWIII, I'm giving my power to her, I'm allowing her to alter my mood or plans for the day.
I'm so over it at this point. Sadly, she just doesn't see she's self-sabotaging. Wondering if she thinks oh if I yell, she'll do more to "make up" or that I'll try harder to please her or invite her to my house. It does just the opposite.

Then after all her ranting, she said oh have a nice day. Seriously?
Well, yeah, I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day. I hope everyone here can do the same.

I THOUGHT I came from a "normal" family, but how wrong I was growing up!  So, like everyone else, I just do what I think is best.  I listen to what others have to say, then do what I think is best.  I try what others say to do, and it doesn't work out for me, so I do what I think is best.  So far, my ideas have worked out best.  The others can do THEIR thing when it comes THEIR time to deal with what I have been dealing with.  Then we will see how it works out for THEM!

Thank you for all the positive comments. I know it seems I just keep ranting on about the same issues and I have nothing to complain about compared to what most of you are going through. There is only so much I can complain about to my lovely understanding wife. It helps to get it off my chest so I dont pop a blood vessel!
This AM he comes down and his new thing is to watch my video screen in my desk that has the security cameras around the house over my shoulder in my office, (4 screens on my desk, yes overkill). I installed them for 2 reasons, security for one, the second is since I am stuck in the basement I need to see who is arriving at the house like UPS FedEX someone at the front door.
He stands behind me watching the screen for his ride to show up. He has a 6 foot window in his living room that looks over the driveway and the stream in the yard (formally known as my beautiful office). Watching over my shoulder goes right along with nails on a blackboard. This is MY OFFICE!!!!! IM WORKING! Then proceeds to ask to borrow money because someone cashed a 3 month old check.... I wish I ran my life so easy......
Sliding doors are going up in my office next week... just another layer of closing me into the dungeon..... So what am I supposed to say you can't borrow money?
My former office his now living room I had to install french doors to keep it quiet and private. Lucky I did as it keeps some of the noise down in his living room. I guess the same for my basement office......

Sigh. Now that you have trained him so well in "borrowing" money from you it is indeed going to be a difficult habit to break.

Turn it over in your mind casually. He gives you the spiel about the "stone me I issued a check months ago and somebody cashed it how could he be so inconsiderate I really wasn't expecting that I'm a bit short can you sub me $x..." - which is actually what he was doing in your office, wasn't it, nothing at all to do with waiting for his friend - just suppose you say:

"No. I'm sick of it. Don't ask me again."

What would he say? I'm just curious, but you know his speech patterns and I don't. What words would he speak?

You have no obligation to loan him money. Just say no. He asks and demands like a petulant child. You have let him take over your house. Tell him you gave him adequate for himself and that he is expected to spent time in his space, during your work time. Give him a budget for his spending money. Until you set and enforce boundary, he is going to continue to act the way he does.

And the kicker today is his car died..... now I have to let him drive my daughters car (she lives in NYC) until I can figure out how to buy him another car so he doesn't drive this one into the ground. Crap... more money out of my pocket.... He cant afford to buy one and my sister gave him $6,000 to fix the car 3 years ago.... Will have to find a cheap car that I hope wont bankrupt me with repairs...... He is lucky I have an extra car, what if I didn't? The level of expectation is unbelievable. Everyone has to pony up!!!!!!

So what would happen if you didn't buy him a car, if you didn't allow him to use your daughters? If you tell him you are working and ask him to leave? If you don't fork over extra money when he blows through his? Aside from him throwing a tantrum like a two year old and you somehow blaming yourself for not being rich enough, charitable enough, (doormat enough) to be all things to all people?

Seriously Tgengine? YOU are the Problem in this scenario, by continuing "give in" to your Dad, time and time again! It's no wonder that your Dad and Daughters have the "failure to launch", and continue to return to the family home, and with husband's and boyfriends ("fiancee's") to boot! This Is all your fault, as you have never been strong enough put your foot down, and just says NO!

None of them, Dad and daughters, will ever Grow Up as long as Daddy continues to open up his wallet at every little turn! Let the old man figure out his own ride issues, he's got friends, granddaughters, a Girlfriend, Uber, public transportation and maybe even the Senior bus for a reduced fee. Krimminy, will you be My Daddy?

You go on about how You have given up your home, You have no privacy with your wife at This Age? You are having to go without vacations, that You are having to spend all of Your money on their cars and insurances, their travel expenses and living expenses, but the key person here is YOU! You have never set boundaries for your Loved ones, and now You are paying the price for your lack of smart "parenting"!

Of course you Love them, but let (force) them to stand on their own 2 feet for once, and learn the hard lessons that we all have had to learn in life, that money doesn't grow on trees, and that you have to work for what you want, or they will Never learn the Normal Life Lessons, NEVER, hence your Dad there with his hand out! "Son will fix this, he Always does!

You say that Dad has no money to get out on his own, and get himself a Senior apartment, but this is not true! From everything that you have said over the years, he sounds perfectly capable living on his own, he can manage his own ADL'S, he can drive, can shop, can cook and clean, can go away on his own on Vacations with others, and that's Wonderful, you are very lucky that he isn't fully dependant on you for these things, as many here on the forum have agonized over.

There ARE Senior resources out there to supplement his lack of financial resources, many others here have had to find them, and my guess is that once implemented, he would do very well and would probably Thrive out on his own, but you would to search them out and help him to apply for them. Have you ever even Tried to get him the help he would need to become self sufficient? Everything is possible, but you have to research the resources out there!

Have you ever considered that it is YOU that is the stumbling block here in this equation, maybe it is YOU who is the "happy enabler", who subconsciously enjoys the being the "Savior" in all of this, and then Enjoys complaining about it all. You might do well getting some counseling to come to terms that you are doing your dependant loved ones more harm than good, allowing them to always have you as the "fall guy", it makes you feel needed in their lives, but in actuality you are doing them a disservice by not allowing them to grow the he** up!

Llisten, I mean no disrespect, I know that you are a Great guy, a Great Dad and Son, that you Love your Wife and family to bits, but somewhere along the way they aren't learning and implementing the fundamental principles of being independent of Daddy, and that is not right, and not fair to them! Only you can make this happen for you, but you've got to truly want them to be independent of you, and I don't think you are there yet.

Hi Everyone,

It's me again, checking in. If you all can believe it, but since the first of the year
things have just been coming at me at such a high speed I feel as if I just can't keep up at times. So I just want to say a big hello to everyone here on the forum, and know I've thought about all of you.
O.k., so one of the main things that preoccupied my mental time during the first few months of 2019, has been that my best gf had an unfortunate breast cancer diagnosis. She doesn't live close to me either; it takes about over an hour to get to her place. She got this diagnosis at the end of 2018, and into early January it was all about appointments, etc. I felt so bad for her, and apparently it is a rare kind in terms of the breast cancer. But the other thing I've been going through with her is the fact, that early in January, she just stopped calling me, so I tried keeping in touch through emails. But she basically didn't want to talk about ANYTHING she was going through. She vaguely mentioned when it was she'd have the one breast removed. Even for that, I really didn't know when exactly it was happening so I could be of moral support to her. Now she is someone that I usually talk to at least every other day. Now nada, at a time like this.

All I could really do, is send her short emails, but after awhile not knowing absolutely anything about her situation, I'm kind of at a loss for what to say to her.
She started to respond, but very minimally since all this started.

I know she's been scared out of her wits, understandably so too! But after a few months, I kind of had to take a mental break. I respect that she doesn't want to talk about it, but I know she's also going through lots of isolation, but hey that's up to her. But I also feel like I can't be on the sidelines, wondering either. Still send her short emails; sometimes I'm just out of things to say to her though.

O.K., I'll be looking on AC more often, I have to get ready to go take care of mom, doing an overnighter. BTW......she turned 98 on April 5th. I'll catch up about all that later.

Biggest Hugs to all!
Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

TG, what is it that keeps you from setting boundaries with and saying no to your dad and daughters? Try to think about how all of this makes your wife feel. Surely she can't be happy with the situation either. Are you willing to sit down and have those hard talks with dad and daughters and put an end to the enabling?

Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Tg, every time you post, you say that you don't have it so bad as others.

You have a VERY bad situation.

1. You have an entitled, boorish, manipulative father invading your privacy and precious home.

2. You have two lovely daughters who expect to be supported.

3. You have a saintly wife who is showing physical symptoms of the stressors on your marriage.

4. You have an unreasonable voice in your head that says "must be cheerful, must give them all money and cars, must give up my space, my privacy, my sex life".

You have it quite bad. The only one who can fix this is you. Stop being the enabler in chief. ( I thought you said wife told you no way could dad use car her sister left DD? I wouldn't push your wife.....)

TG, as far as I can tell you don't have a spare car you can let your father use. The car is your daughter's. Has anyone asked her if she's happy to let him drive it? What about insurance? Will he be covered if he's driving the car without the owner's permission?

And have daughter take her car. There are parking lots in the city. Oh, but I know, it is expensive. But then......

Just have daughter remove that temptation and your dad.

I know, I am the enabler..... not sure what to do at this point, I'm stuck...... it will be easy soon, Ill be out of money......

Tg, are your daughters going to be there to hand you money when you retire and are broke?

You need to start saying "no". Not in anger. In self preservation

"Dad, we're going to put your name on some lists for senior apartments. You living here isn't working out any more. You will need to find other accommodations by September 1".

And when he bad mouths you to everyone, just ignore it!!

TG you are like a drowning person who keeps swimming around in circles refusing to even consider grabbing hold of the lifelines we keep throwing your way because you are stubbornly convinced that this is your fate. Nothing will ever change until you grab a lifeline, if you can't act on your own please reconsider finding a therapist.

TG, your situation brings to mind a fictional story. There was a flood and a car came to pick him up. He said no for God would provide. The water became high and a boat came to rescue him and again he said no for the same reason. Later a helicopter flew by and the man was on the roof. He said no to the rescue effort for the same reason. Then, the flood took the house and the man. In heaven, he was angry at God for not providing. His response was, I sent a car, a boat, and a helicopter.

Do not be like the man in story.

TG, you say. "I know, I am the enabler..... not sure what to do at this point, I'm stuck...... it will be easy soon, Ill be out of money......", but that is just a Cop Out and you know it! You Need to take the Bull By The Horns and Actually Do Something about your situation, Not give up and let them all continue to run right over you!

By saying that, you are just continuing to invite us all to your Pity-Party, you will Forevever be stuck in this Rut, and your life will Never Change, and that is unfair to You and your Dear Wife! The time is Now to Impliment Changes, and take the nesassary steps to improve your life, and ultimately their lives too! Why are you so resistant to changing you situation for the better?

Only You can research the options out there to improve your own situation, but Don't just roll over and give up, we all have Faith that you can be a Success story, and improve your life for you and your Dear Wife, she above all people deserves your efforts! Believe me, it will definately be worth it in the end! Make 2019 Count for Something!

TG, Does your father get social security or a pension? If so, what happens to that money?

Margeaux

sorry about your friend's diagnosis - does she have family to support her through treatment ? Sometimes, folks don't want to be a burden on their friends. Even we caregivers sometimes have trouble accepting help from friends.

When my dear friend was going through treatment, we would meet occassionally for a cup of tea usually not more than 30 minutes or so and I would keep the conversation light and think of things that might provide a chuckle. If I saw a movie on DVD, or some item that I thought she'd like, I would mail it to her as a little thinking of you gift. As often as I offered, she never let me take her treatment, do any chores for her, or see her in her final days - her passing broke my heart

This is what I need

Good advice Madge! I think sometimes when people are sick, especially if it's something serious they just want people to treat them like they always did because all the concern etc. just reminds them more of the seriousness of it all.

I know in my family people are very secretive and I seriously wouldn't know if someone were ill or not unless their appearance changed drastically. I think that stems from my mom's example. She always wanted to keep up appearances even when she was sick. When she was 79 she had actually scheduled a triple bypass and wasn't going to tell us. I found out by seeing surgery written on her calendar.

I wouldn't recommend this behavior by the way. I was really mad at my mom when I found this out. I mean what if she'd died.

But as far as helping a sick friend out. Try to keep things as normal as you can under the circumstances. I M O.

I guess the good part of my situation is that Mom doesn't ask me for money. She uses money as a way to kind of bribe us to stay "loyal".
She's been in a semi-good mood the past few days. Called her today, and said, hello, after it took her a while to answer. She said "well?" I said ok, well wha!t's new there? Nothing, same old Sunday, boring. She really expects that someone should be there to entertain her. Her friends do not always have people around on Sunday to visit or entertain - and they do not whine about it. Two good friends of hers had no one at their homes on Easter, and they did not whine. Mom would have had a fit!
So then anyways, she starts in on how she has an "Alexis" in the box, I've not shown her anything about it. She has the Amazon device (actually two). She HAD to have them. I asked when she ordered them, what do you want to do with them? I don't know, I just want it. I said well you have to figure out where you want to sit it (well both), and what you want it to do, then I get to program them for you. "I can't hear you. Your phone is lousy."
The whole phone deal is because she had an iPhone I got for her and pay for her on my plan. She could never work it. My brother got her two other smartphones, both Androids, he took them both back. "I want one that's all programmed". They were. I've shown her multiple times. I also got her an Amazon fire - larger screen. It also doesn't work right. Works fine for me. She's just not technically inclined at all. Even with icons for stores or whatever, you have to type in some data or go to menus. She kept saying with iPhone that 'voice control' came on all the time. I had disabled everything - no Suri, no other voice control at all. My phone (I have the same model), never does half the stuff she had happen. She returned everything to me, saying I'll get my own. Maybe I need to get my own computer. Ok, then. Do it.
So anyhow, I said do I need to shout for you to hear me? Her hearing is gone, but she will not admit it. I said I will call you back. Her line is still busy, a good hour now. She's playing games, and will say it's your phone. Nope. I have made other calls and it worked fine.
She was in a sour mood and wants to upset me.
She'd also said last night she has so much "going on right now", she hasn't called her landscaper. Sure, she wants me to do it when I go there for Mother's Day or Memorial Day. It's her version of payback - for whatever I've done to her. She has said that I do not know what work is - because I don't do much yard work - and she did. She is the hardest worker ever!! So she gets delight in watching me with my bad back working out in her HUGE flower beds. She added more than what is with a typical condo - all around her house, extra in the middle of the yard, and then more along her property line. Ridiculous. "It was my enjoyment". Sure, but you didn't plan ahead. You assumed you'd move in with me, without any discussion whatsoever, that I would roll over and do your bidding. This is after not having a close relationship ever with her. She was just demanding, and honestly, it was no big deal if I didn't go to her house for a holiday type weekend when she was mobile. She'd have a small fit, but move along. Now, she wants the relationship, and doesn't get it that we're not close. Her antics also drive others away. She's just exhausting to be around.
Phone still comes back 'user busy'. I know she'll try to say it's my phone. It's just a game to get me upset. It kind of works, but I'm just going to go about my day and ignore. I may ignore if she calls me back.
Very doubtful I will go there next weekend, ranting and raving be damned.

I would stop taking bribes particularly if it means hurting your own health.

Why would you do her yard work for her if you're going to hurt your back?

If she's got money for two Alexas, she's got money for landscaping.

She didn't teach you any self preservation skills, did she? THAT is a mother's job.

Stop playing her sick little game.

Nothing really going on here, so that’s good.
Been trying to find different internist, discouraged, as I want a female, board certified, decent reviews, reasonably close to my end of town. Seems there are precious few internists on my side of town. A dearth of qualified, board certified ones. Most reviews are terrible. Pretty sure it’s doctor flight to the wealthier parts of town, as we live in very modest, older working class neighborhood. Lots of Medicare/Medicaid recipients, so docs make more money elsewhere. Private insurance reimbursements are higher than Medicare/Medicaid. Most docs this part of the county have been absorbed into a conglomerate, very poor administration. Their reputation is known as very poor, I’m learning. The nurses, billing & clerical support are rude, much incompetence exists. Last week’s appointment was the last straw. After the medical portion of my appointment, I asked the doc if I could speak with her about the issues we’ve been having. She said no, she would have me speak with her office mgr, who is a big part of the problem. So, I went over my written documentation about billing issues, over ten phone calls to get them to refund overcharges, which they refused to refund, spoke with seven different people, finally with the CFO. It was that bad. Not one person makes the promised calls back.
Then there was the paperwork we needed our docs to sign for property tax disability reduction. Two people, different docs, same practice. Two checkmarks and a signature on each form. I supplied them with our parts properly filled out, stamped, addressed envelopes. There are deadlines on these things. Hubs’ doc was never given his form, by his nurse. After 3 weeks, my doc finally filled mine out, but the staff didn’t mail it. Because I had to come pay her paperwork fee. Which I was never advised I owed, despite me asking initially what I needed to pay when I hand delivered the forms to their front desk. Only nobody ever called to advise me to come pay, & pick up the form. I assumed both were mailed when neither of us received a phone call.
My last visit, in Dec., doc said come back in 6 months, so made appointment before I left, for June, per her instructions. Two weeks ago my maintenance meds refills were declined by this doc. Not controlled substances, no mfg prescribing changes, no medical status changes. I was told she wanted me to come in end of April instead of June. Changed her mind, arbitrarily. Otherwise, if I did not come in for an appointment ASAP, I would get no blood pressure meds, no thyroid meds, no other maintenance meds. Purely revenue gathering. Clinic just purchased new patient tracking/billing software, & decided to hold patients up for extra revenue, where no medical reason existed to move up appointments.
So, I tried to discuss all the issues I was having with the office manager, who also brought the nurse in with her. Since the doc didn’t care about how her patients were being treated. When I got to the part about the nurses not handling paperwork, not giving forms to doc on timely basis, not calling patients to pick up completed forms for over a month, the nurse heaves a big sigh, rolls her eyes at me. I kid you not!
My error, when first looking for internists for us, when we moved here, was that I checked the docs’ reviews individually, but didn’t check the clinic’s reviews as an entity. Shame on me! I have since looked at the clinic reviews, and they are horrific. Everybody else has same problems we have been experiencing.
I’m fed up with this chitty treatment, have found a different doc. But I have to travel 45 minutes across the county, each way, to get in to see a decently rated internist. Pray this is a decent physician in a decently run practice. I checked her out, checked out the practice as a whole. With the kind of health issues we both have, it’s really not the best to have to travel so far. Appointment late June. Wish me luck!

Girlsayor,
i feel terribly for you and I totally understand as I had horrible Dr's for my mother and myself and reported 2 of them to the State. (One Dr left my mother in her 80's by herself and never returned because he was insisting on my mother taking Celebrex... She had bled from when a previous dr gave it to her, and he was mean.. and, said "then, I'm not going to be your dr"... She thought he was coming back as I waited in the waiting room and wondered what was happening... When I went in after asking a nurse, my mother was crying (which she very rarely does)... I had to hold back punching this guy out and reported him... wha a jerk... (during these years my mother wanted to go into the room by herself so I gave her space/individuality... another reason why two people should be in the room, especially with seniors). We went through a lot of bad Dr's who hated their job... it showed Big time.. and I could go on.... and on... my mother, now 91 seems to have better dr... (fingers crossed)... Even if you have a dr now, I would suggest asking around for one closer to where you live... you are not 'locked in' to keeping any of these Dr's... Do what's right for you!... Never let someone have 'power' over you.
Best Wishes... ❤️🌹
PS. It's so shameful how this country has extremely little respect for the elderly.... makes me really upset!!!
(wait until they get there... and they will)

Well, I'm still shaking. Just hung up on Mom. She really was in a foul mood. Oh, I hardly eat (which is crap, she snacks all day long, snacked in front of me offering me nothing - I'm too fat, which is hilarious because she's always been overweight). It's all my fault, of course. I heard how my brother went to the dentist, thank goodness it was all fixed (his tooth). He goes regularly, why don't you? You don't want to be like me (false teeth). I find it so hypocritical since she didn't give a damn about my teeth as a child, with my finally getting braces for myself as an adult. Secondly, none of her business if I go or not. If I say that, I get the response, see you know best, you can't be told anything!
So she goes on and it's all about how wonderful my brother is. He takes her on errands, picks up her mail. Errands - 2 per week. She was crabbing today about her arms and fingers (I've offered to take her to various doctors, which she has refused - better to be a martyr). He said oh I wish I could buy you new arms. They'd gone appliance shopping (something is dying slowly, so getting it replaced). He offered to buy it for her birthday. She said no, it's too much. Oh, he'd 'make her pay half' (meaning me). Excuse me? It would have been over $275 - without asking me? I have the funds, probably more than he does, but it is just the idea of going ahead without asking. I wouldn't have dared. He yelled at me one Christmas when I gave him the bill (we divide the expenses). He'd forgotten about one item, which he had 'okayed'. He's always been the golden child. I guess I need to just always remember I'll never be good enough, and to stop trying with her. It's pointless.
So she keeps on her tirade. She told my brother, he should make me pay for all of it (appliance) as I don't do a damned thing for her and all I do is complain about doing anything for her. Cue the tears. I lost it, phone still on mute. I do all of the manual labor for her, and it's not enough. I do it "wrong", or if I ask what she wants or say you didn't tell me I needed to do xxxx, it's complaining. I also have asked she tell me what needs done, so I'm not running around at the last minute trying to do everything. "Well I didn't have a list when I did things for you growing up". She thinks that feeding, clothing, and putting a roof over my head were extras. I told her no, it was her responsibility if she wanted a child, and now she says oh it was my job (in a very snide way).
She continues, and then says WELL ARE YOU THERE? Yelling as to why I call her, just yelling more and more. I couldn't take it, and I said (yelled back) yes, I am here. Why would I want to talk with you when all you do is yell at me? I honestly wish I were dead right now, so I didn't have to deal with it all. Then I hung up.
As I was yelling, I was like oh stop it. I just fed the narcissist, which is what she wanted.
On top of it, found out today a good friend had a mild stroke. She's in her mid 40's. I was feeling sad all day, then this continual whining and yelling got the best of me.
She broke me. I am so tired of hearing that I'm worthless. When I tell her that, she'll say oh there you go to extremes. She got in more digs about me being on the internet when I come home after working 9 to 10 hours. Well I got my work done FIRST, then I played. She never played. Honestly, she was pretty joyless, even before my dad passed away.
I'm just so tired of everything being my fault. If the weather is bad, if she doesn't eat right, if the tv shows aren't to her liking, if she has dexterity issues, if she doesn't make it to the bathroom, if her toilet doesn't flush (seriously I got blamed for that), for the fashions on the shopping channels...….I get the blame for anything that isn't right in her world.
Sadly, she thinks that by yelling at me and constantly degrading me is the way to wrangle an invite to my home.