The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I feel I feel like such a fool I just checked my voicemail and there's a message for my son wishing me a happy Mother's Day I just didn't see the numbers on the phone log anyway my apologies to my son

Now now I feel bad I'm seeing how I let negativity get a hold of me

We all have our sets of challenges. I feel for those who have tough situations. My situation is just differences of opinion. Dad seems to enjoy just coming and going as he pleases with no responsibility, everyone will take care of him. He somewhat is telling me what he is doing lately but leaving out the details so I guess in his mind he isn't lying. Again I dont care what he does as long as he do sent come to me for more money at the end of the month. His lady friend is starting to get him to spend money he doesn't have. Going out for lunches now and shows. Oh well, when he runs out I guess he will be staying home because the bank of son will be closed. This month I have large dental bills, seems it all hit at once, root canal yesterday, last week a tooth broke right next to the root canal tooth which I had root canal yesterday and I see the oral surgeon today for an implant for the broken tooth then the periodontist next week for a gum issue. I go twice a year, its not like I let myself go. So after yesterday it is looking like out of pocket after insurance. Most likely will be 4 to 5 grand..... gee, I wonder who I can ask for money?
Last night I tried to talk to him over dinner, it is hard becasue his is just stories. No back and forth. After dinner while we are in cleanup mode he has to get his coffee made so we petty much have to leave the kitchen until he get done, he cant wait 10 minutes. We have been dealing with this dance for 5 years. I have asked him to wait but no avial. It these little things he does to try to get one up on us. We ask for doors to be open he closes them. It's like a dog pissing in the yard trying to mark his territory. I get tired of his little games. He knows exactly what will crawl under my skin yet he keeps doing it. I try to keep the smiling face. So I talk with my wife and we just deal with it.
Before you say boot him out, I cant, it is not going to happen. I just have to find ways of dealing with the day to day issues. I look at this way, yesterday he called me from wal Mart, I noticed "we" are low on toilet paper should I pick some up? Yes, I said. That is due to we keep it stored away and supply the rooms with it, he takes his out of the supply in the downstairs bath. He saw one roll left and he needed it for his bath room. I look at it this way, only took him 5 years to figure out he needs to contribute!

Golden,

I just read your post about your having lost you mother five months ago.
I'd like to offer you my deepest condolences, even if it's all these months later.
You did your very best when it came to your mother's care. May her spirit soar very high!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ms. Madge,

Thank you for your kind words about my gf, with breast cancer.
Unfortunately, she doesn't have real communication, nor are her own family members supportive of her. This is why I did get you might say extra concerned about her going through this. She has a husband, but I'm afraid that on the emotional side, he always seems to need more support from her, but doesn't seem to be supportive of her in her time of need.

The communication between us has become so stunted, and I know if I bring up especially funny things, or try to have light conversation, I have to walk on egg shells with her, for fear of coming off trite. Truth be told, I'm really out of things to say at the moment to her, so I'm taking a break, because it was beginning to stress me out.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden you are in my heart and prayers. I meant to comment on your post, this being your first mothers day without your mom and your fathers birthday also. I can imagine the emotions that were spiralling around.

I can only say that since i joined aging care your main concern was your mother even in the mist of relocating after natural disaturous fires. That smile you saw on her face was for you. I dont believe in conincidences and its rare for me to see although my grand mother looked like she was smiling and it warmed my heart and spirt so strongly.

She is soaring, no pain no misery. You took excellent care of her and you can bet she knew she could count on you for that. I guarantee she knew and was not surprisedf when she moved to different facilities and had people checking on her and reporting to you. That smile was for you.

I hope you are in up in spirit. I know you are a trooper. Its in your soul :)!

Margeaux, Your friend is going through a stage of acceptance. I think she has to come to terms before she can let you in. She probably sees the truth in you and knows thats what she is going to get from you and she may not be ready for that yet. She'l come around and I bet my bottom dollar you will be right there for her when she does.

Its funny how much one thought one call can mean to a person. After speaking to my son I am a different person and I feel like a fool for even going there, for even posting.

I am already sensitive, and then this family thing really eats at me some times regardless of the therapy, I just dont understand how we got to this place. My nephew not speaking, the animosity the sabotage, the ignorance. Then I feel guilty and angry when I act on things like cleaning the halls, moping and sweeping and now I feel guilty and wrong for letting it go knowing how bitter I feel about how it really truly doesn't bother anyone but me. I dont think and I pray tell I wont ever get to the broken place I was when I first found this forum but sometimes I drift, I stay in prayer and sometimes I feel strong like a peacock and other days I feel like a pigeon. I wish I could get past letting other peoples demeanor effect me not most of the time but always.

Anyways I am feeling so much better and happy. I hope the rest of the week is lovely and stress free for everyone or close to it.

Rays of love to all.

Well my family is taking a side against me when it comes to my brother and what will happen to him when he is released. Where he'll live etc. I worry about him going back to the environment he was living in before his aneurysm.

My family is of the opinion that he is an adult and if he wants to live there we can't stop him. So let the cards fall where they may. True enough but they should at the very least recognize where my concern is coming from and not just discount it like it's not a valid point.

I truly have gotten to the point where the communication between myself and my family is either aggravating as blank or non existent. We are never all on the same page about anything. Why did I think this situation with my brother would be any different.

Moving forward I think I am just going to act like I don't have a family. I'll visit my brother and they can do what they like.

Gershun, what about the brother who's the hospital main point of contact? Isn't he liaising with anyone about discharge plans?

I want to say good for you for standing up for your (ill) brother, addict or no; and I do think good for you; but I also want you to watch yourself. If the rest of your family has been pushed to the point where, essentially, they're past caring - well maybe they have a lower compassion fatigue threshold than you have, or maybe they really are selfish and callous (!), but they may have a point and I worry that maybe you're painting a target on your own back. Love him and support him, but for heaven's sake mind your boundaries.

So dad offered to mow the lawn last week, kind of like 5 years ago when he moved in and he did it for 10 minutes.... "I dont like it", yeah neither did I growing up but I had to and then did his and moms lawn when I lived close to them for many years. Mom did the lawn for most of the years they lived in a town house. Fast forward 5 years and he asked today if I wanted him to mow the lawn when it dries up. Its been raining for like 2 months lately... "Not today, it is still very wet" I said. Anyhow, not too sure I want to have him do this as I have a few "hills" in the yard and they are tricky when I do them (leaning over to counterbalance). The man can barely walk across the room without holding on to something. So now I am supposed to say no? I guess he offered so he's off the hook. I would say brilliant as he asks the difficult things knowing I wont let him do it. So he offered he can say he tried. Its like the time my x SIL offered to do the lawn... apparently he was completely drunk and did $880. damage to the engine of my tractor.... Got him out of ever doing the lawn again.....
Dad can barely walk yet now he is trying to help. dosen't do the simple tasks like take the garbage out vacuum his rooms or clean....
I am trying to use nicer tone when I talk, trying to have dinners with conversation (generally no talking as it leads to stories).... the difficulty is changing my ways to accommodate others.
It is hard for me to change because I have become accustom to my way of living vs living with others who become accustom to me. After all it is my house. So I am trying to be the nicer gentler person...... He or my mother did raise me to do things on my own and not ask for much help. I will drop everything to help others but I like to do things on my own if I can. When has asks to do something that I like to do its not that I wont let him, it is I like it done a certain way. I would be happy for him to vaccum the rooms, or clean or take out the garbage. Yes I have asked. So I guess I have to take this as he is offering to help and I should be grateful.... Is this a start? Or am I being lulled in to a false sense of security?

TG... I'm in this situation with my mother... She can barely walk and doesn't have balance... I don't let her vacuum any more because of the cord... I'm afraid that she would trip over it... I do have her fold laundry clothes... if she desires... (mostly things sitting down). I sooooo know about the <non> patience we have... I can't say "no" very often because I feel so badly for her and I don't know how long I'll have her... It all scares me soooooo much... (this is the very short story)... but, I'm with you... God Bless you... us.... ❤️

(And, I'm pretty worn out... )

Called landscaper Monday left voice mail should I find someone to do the earth work. He started in September then had to wait for gas line to be run to the house. Contractor screwed that one up as he thought the small town ease of getting that scheduled is the same as another subdivision he builds in. Wasn't the case, had to wait about a month from when he ordered it. So threw the landscape off.

Well when he started he left a mess dirt clods everywhere, wouldn't be able to mow the weeds even, not at all level. Landscaper, for the first time called me back!🌿 Said he would come this weekend to do dirt work and add topsoil. Nothing beyond that at this point, but I will put him on the spot to get date for sprinkler system and sod. Gardens can be done a bit at a time.

We will see. I will believe it when I see it. Trying not to get my hopes up. Fingers crossed.

Strange here. A high school graduation rescheduled/canceled? Nothing from school yet. First started only family screened would be allowed to attend. You can imagine the uproar. Was there threat of violence at the ceremony? Who knows. The world has gone freaking nuts!

So how do I tell dad that I know how much he has been spending and he only has a little left until the next SSI check in June. His lady friend has been getting him to go out alot lately which is good but lunches and dinners out are eating into his money, litterlay. He lives right now $100 over his alotment and has had to borrow money every month. I cant afford to give him money. June is going to be very expensive for me as it is with medical and house expenses for me, I will be above my budget and I have a job! When I started this I told him he had a $20 a day per diem with his bills, spend wisley. Apparently he is thinking the wrong way lately. This was the same issue with mom, he spent more than he had trying to keep up with the family friends who had money to spend.
I give up vacations to maintain the house. I gave up going to a fancy wedding for a friends daughter because I cant afford to go even though other friends are going. I know when to say no. Apparently he does not. So do I tell him I'm watching your expenses and you have this much money left in your month? Heck, he already has our daughters car, 20% of my house, how much more do I have to give? It is like dealing with a child..... If I let him overdraft it will cost money he doesnt have, I have done that already and it didn't faze him in the least when I let him do it. I guess becasue he declared bankruptcy twice in the past he doesn't care? Trust me I DO! Do I let him sink? Caught in the middle again........ I handle multiple checking accounts for multiple organizations and my business and manage family members accounts. I think I know a little about finance. He has no clue because he gets bailed out every month.

Contrary to the normal response: don't tell, ask.

"Dad, how much money do you have in your account to last you until June Xth?"

If he evades, rambles or demands to know why you're asking, tell him how much money you have had to give him this year, and tell him it's not funny any more. Say, in your own words:

"I do not have the budget for this. I am telling you that I will not bail you out again. Could you repeat that back to me, please? - because I am recording it for future reference the next time you ask me."

And stop scrabbling around for reasons why you're not prepared to sub him. Never mind your extra bills, you shouldn't sub him because you shouldn't sub him, not even if you were as rich as Croesus. He should live within his - very adequate, given that you house him - budget, same as everyone else, and has the man no pride?

T, just tell him you know his situation, and you are sorry but you cannot HELP him at this time.. but if he wants to spend time with his "lady friend" she can pay, or they are welcome to spend time at your house,, doing free things like watching TV... or sitting on the deck "talking". You are not obligated to pay his way.. he is basically living rent free, and she is enjoying his paying her way.

No disrespect intended, but the similarities here to raising a teenager are everywhere. What did we tell our kids? You have your allowance so if you need more money, you do more chores/get a part time job/wait till next allowance day.

The thing is he's not going to sink. - you may not be subsidizing his dates, his outings, his trips to Mexico. But he will still have 3 meals a day, a warm, safe place to live, a car he isn't paying for, fully stocked kitchen and laundry room. You need to be ready to say "I'm done" and stand behind it. You need to be a duck and let everyone else's comments roll off of you (if he chooses to throw you under the bus). If he incurs overdraft fees, then that $35 a shot will decrease his next month's fun money.

Btw, your situation is NOT "just a difference of opinion". It is that your father is spoiled, entitled and will keep taking as long as you keep shelling out. You do NOT need to keep adjusting your attitude, while allowing his boorish ways. You don't want him using the doors near your office? Then set up a key station and coat hook near the door you DO want him to use.

The key here is credible threat - he's going to think if he keeps doing what he's doing, you'll cave in. So you have to stand your ground every single time, regardless of how much it wears you down.

(((((gershun))))))) - I guess you just have to do your thing apart from them, This kind of division is not nice but out of your control. I am sorry that your bros outlook is not great,

glad - so good to hear about your son, What a blessing for you.

margeaux - thanks

heart look after yourself as best you can

tg - glad to hear that the bank of son is closed

hugs to everyone - we got through mother's day

Last weekend was hard for me with father's birthday and 5 months since mother passed happening on the same day, (Friday) then 2 days later Mother's Day.That day, as usual, hit me over the death of my son more than anything else. Now the finality of mother's passing produced by dealing with paperwork is hitting me. Maybe time to go for a walk in the sunlight.

I am not sure I will go down east for the interment. I can send the urn and ashes. My bil is doing the service. At the most, besides my sis and bil, there will be two cousins there, one of which I don't care to see, nor do I care to see my sis. Right now I need to be done. Too much is too much. However,I won't make a final decision yet

Take care all.

Thank you Golden. I hear you. This whole thing with my brother has once again opened my eyes to the lack of family support there is with my clan.

Oh well, at least I know what to expect should something ever happen to me. NADA!

Sorry that you found Mother's day hard. This seemed to be a particularly hard one for a lot of people.

Countrymouse you are right on both points. My family have a lower compassion threshold and are callous and unfeeling.

I don't have to do much to paint a target on my back with them. I think my compassion for people in general, not just family sets me apart from them.

They've always been mean. As far as I can remember. I don't recall a time when they were not like this. I remember my younger brother standing outside my bedroom door when I was a kid and imitating me crying instead of asking me what was wrong. Or my sister walking two feet behind me when we were walking to school cause I was getting bullied and she didn't want to be seen with me. Or her saying to her friend at a bar when we were older "I don't usually hang out with her" meaning me.

Why I 've continued to give them the benefit of the doubt over the years I don't know. But yeah, I think I was born with a target on my back.

TG, your mom apparently enabled your dad her whole married life. You are continuing that tradition.

Only you can change this. Let him go bankrupt. He has no assets to attach.

Gershun reading what you just posted made me see red and want to rush over there and give them, as children, such a slap. I was just about to start swapping stories of older sibling abuse and then realised - everything that's made me feel better over the last couple of years has been the result of cutting them out. Forgetting is better.

All I can say about giving them the benefit of the doubt is: it's wonderful when you stop.

I don't even have to have opinions or reasons any more. I have come to see us as chemicals. Fine and useful in our individual ways, no doubt, but stinky and toxic in combination. Best kept apart!

Gershun,

Sometimes I feel that there is/was a target on my back as well. My brother had always bullied me and my mother never told my dad and she never did anything about. This is just another reason why I don't have my brother in my life.

I agree with CM. You don't need these people in your life. If they can't treat you with respect, compassion, and love then they need to go. I have 2 big rules in my life: 1) people must treat me with respect because that is how I treat them. 2) NO toxic people allowed in my life.

My I suggest a book called "Life Code" by Dr. Phil Mc Graw. It is an easy read and I found it to be most helpful in this world we live in today. I think it could help you see your family and yourself much clearer. In my opinion this is the best & most helpful book Dr. Phil has ever written.

You deserve so much better. To bad that your famliy doesn't see just how valuable you really are.


Hugs!

Love the chemical analogy, Countrymouse. 👍🏼

I get it, I am trying here to not give in. I ask him not to do things and he does the opposite. "Pop, dont drive on the lawn when you are backing the car out beacuse I am trying to grow grass". 5 minutes later with a 40 foot by 30 foot open parking area with no cars in it he drives over the lawn. "Im going out with my lady friend to a show today" "OK, you have money?", he says it doesn't cost anything... OK then... have fun! I cant wait until the end of the month and he asks for money because this is going to be the big NO and have a sit down. This is the MO with this lady she gets people to take her out, He has no clue I do my research.
It is hard living in this situation. The stress is huge and he comes and goes like a free spirit.... no worries...... Times are changing, they have to or I wont be here to manage things.
My mom did coddle him, I get it, she worked her butt of and rightfully so did he but he spent trying to keep up with others and now he is doing the same. This is why when he moved in I had to take MY credit card away from him, yes MY credit card becasue he couldn't get one. I knew if he had it it would be maxed out in a month and I would have to pay it yet again. My mom asked me to get one so he could buy materials for his business (while she was alive). So between her and I we got it managed, as soon as she passed I got it back becasue I have a very high credit score becasue I pay my cards on time and have one revolving card, the others get paid off each month. I learned from them.
Thankfully my mom worked up until she passed and had great medical insurance. He is at the Dr.s once to twice a week, At least at this point he is in reasonably good health aside of the mobility issues.
The biggest issue is its all about him right now..... Not very good for us. Thanks for letting me vent, that is all it is, yes I am taking a harder stance, I have to.

Here I thought Mom would be in an okay mood at least; she has 'things going on' this weekend - new appliance being delivered on Sunday. Brother will be there since she doesn't want to be alone with delivery guys.
She was in a pity party mood tonight when I called her. Her shoulders and hands are hurting. At least 3 fingers have some numbness. I've tried to get her to a doctor, even a local chiropractor that advertised as having good results with hand issues, such as hers. I said let's make an appointment, first appointment is free as a consult. She then backed out of it. I've had great results in prior years with a local chiro here for back problems.
She started off about her hands/shoulders hurting, onto how cold church was - why would pastor have the a/c on today? It was 85 outside, that's why. She did say most people did not have jackets on like she did. It's all this younger generation's (meaning me) fault. My brother also put on a jacket and admitted to her yes, church was cold. I think he just agreed and put on jacket to keep the peace. I've been with them there, and it wasn't cold at all. It's just that she's older, her circulation is not as good, so she gets colder easier.
So tonight, I heard no one knows what I'm going through, it's not fair. The wrong person died (meaning she should have instead of my dad). My fingers are useless. I don't know why I got a new shower, I can't do it much longer. I'm sure part of it is her way of trying to get me to say oh come live with me (not happening). The pain would still be there regardless of where she lived, but I guess she'd expect me to wait on her all the time. She says she's handicapped. No, she can get around, and she is able to feed herself at her favorite restaurants. I'm sure that it does hurt, but anything I get her - from arthritis creams to heating pads, she won't use. Oh, it doesn't help. She expects instant relief. That's not how it works, and I've told her that, having chronic back issues myself. I have to use a heating pad and do relaxation methods that work, but the pain sometimes does not go away for hours.
Anyhow, she was diagnosed with a torn rotator cuff in one shoulder (most likely both shoulders now). Her GP said no to any surgery, given her age. I think she really vetoed it as a neighbor who was the same age at that time had it done, and was 100% better. But, that was a good 4 to 5 years ago, so no way now. Her fingers - thumb, index, middle fingers, are numb. She keeps saying they feel fuzzy or furry. I've googled until I can't google any more, and I don't see a clear cut diagnosis. Any idea on what type of specialist would be beneficial? I would offer to take time off of work and take her if it'd help her at all. She does not like her GP one bit, so suggesting she go there is kind of a waste of time. The best he did for her was to get those compression gloves, which she wears once in a while at night ("they don't help").
I would lay out that the trip is off unless she goes to whatever doctor; not there to do her gardening. (I would set up the doctor appointment). She finally spoke to her landscaper, who surprise (not) is now behind schedule. She really wants me to do it. I had contact my 'guy' in March; my flower beds are all nice and tidy now. He came out this week, as his time to work has been limited by all the rain we've had. That is precisely why I contacted him early.
I ended the call very cordially this time, telling her I hoped she felt better, so at least I didn't blow up.
Any suggestions welcomed.

Sissisu, my Dad had numb/tingly thumb & first 2 fingers on hand, other hand a bit better but thumb & smallest finger tingly too. Tried physio, osteo & had scans. Best medical guess: Carpel tunnel (both wrists) plus 'trigger finger' in fingers. Specialist seen (plastic/reconstruction surgeon). Surgery suggested (one hand at a time).

It was really impacting his life. Was dropping drinks, could hardly cut his food. I was worried about his holding the steering wheel when driving!

Day surgery now done & thumb & fingers have regained full function.

There was a theory of pinched nerves from shoulder area, but in my Dad's case that was ruled out. Sounds like a few investigations need to be done for your Mother.

My Dad is quite anti-surgery but is so pleased it got this done. He is back to his independant self - otherwise, no driving & not feeding himself was on the horizon!

Guessing I should finally talk to someone about my issues with living with dad. They seem to be getting worse (on my end). I dont want to break the bank on hourly office visits. Not sure how to find someone who I can talk to that will understand. Anyone have ideas on how to looking for someone to talk about this to? I dont want to go to a meeting with a group and talk in a circle. This is more about me than him. Ideas? We are chalk full of retirement facilitates in my town maybe start there?

Call one of the retirement facilities (Assisted Living?) and ask to speak with the social worker on staff. S/He should have a list of folks who see people with the sorts of issues you are having.

Do you have medical insurance? This should be a covered service, with a copay. No, you don't want to break the bank, but therapy isn't forever.

Good therapy is worth its weight in gold. It keeps on giving; when done properly, it not only helps you solve the "presenting problem" it gives you the tools and clarity to help with whatever life throws at you.

TG, I thumped away at the like button for about half a minute (still only got 1 like, though, meanies) then scuttled off to look things up in your locale.

You are not short of options. But whoah just a minute: spend a little while visualising outcomes. Talking to somebody will help because after that...?

I will be able to handle the stress better.
I will feel less helpless in this situation.
I will feel less helpless about changing the situation.
I will be more optimistic about alternatives.

Retirement communities may well be able to recommend experienced counsellors. They will certainly have people you can discuss the whole issue of care planning and caregiving with. But I wouldn't rule out seeing a therapist.

You say this is more about you, not about him. YES! IT IS!!! It is ALL about how you manage his care while protecting yourself and your wife and your shared way of life. My personal feeling, remembering from way back, is that you're here feeling as you do because you have a serious difficulty with how to say no without feeling like a cruel worm.

Therapy does not involve trudging to the office for months on end and talking about ink blots. Not any more. It is far more focused on practical techniques for measurable gains, and you're talking about an agreed number of sessions towards an agreed outcome. There are at least two groups in your town who offer wide-ranging services and list the insurers who cover them. Do have a look, do think about calling them before you rule them out.