The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, I called Mom tonight and she was in just an AWFUL mood - angry, ragey. You talk, because I <sniff> cannot. I am not well. I said well, I'll let you go so you can take care of yourself. KaBOOM! I cannot take care of myself.....hands, arms, etc. I then said what you need is to see a doctor, and I'll take you. "How am I to get there?" I repeated that I'd take her. No you won't. You never take off time for me. (I have taken off entire weeks for her). It deteriorated into her litany of how I'm selfish, I'm an awful daughter, only think of myself, etc. I stayed calm for a good part of it, saying I have a right to my own life (she scoffed at that - your own life? - what about my life!!). I then said look, the only thing that may make you happy is for me to sell my house and move back there. "There you go jumping off the deep end again, you can't be told anything!" Then she said I needed to know I wasn't perfect, I am quite aware I am not perfect. Everything I said, she had a snide comeback and that all I wanted to do was to 'run her down'. I hadn't said a word to her except for her to take care of herself and she went off. I heard everything anyone had done to her ever - all over again (heard the same stuff many times). It was an rambling rant, with no purpose I think except to throw me off and she had a woe is me moment. She then said something about going to the dentist, which I said was ironic. Basically, she said she'd taken me several times to the dentist, but it was so difficult for her to drive there, plus it wasn't a big deal about my teeth (being crooked). If I was so concerned, I should've spoken up then. When she was constantly saying I wonder what that bill will be - as in oh it'll be high and it'll be all your fault. Wow. It was a big deal to me. Then she went into why a single person would want a 2 story house...….I said fine, if it makes you happy, I'll sell my house, Will that make you happy? Because all you do every other day is yell at me. (Oh she had to tell me how she'd gotten me things during my life, paid for school - which my dad had insisted on - otherwise, yeah she wouldn't have done so, and how she helped move me). I said everything you did had strings attached - and nothing is ever enough to pay you back. She said she doesn't yell at me, I'm the nasty one. (This is all NARC 101, which I realize). She kept going on about my house. She said I know why you got a 2 story house (so she couldn't visit - she can't do the stairs - except she could when I bought it - plus, I'm not that smart). Then again she said I had no business buying a house without 'someone' advising me or going to houses with me. Basically, she wanted to go along, and then would veto each one. I said again, I looked for 4 to 5 years before I bought this house, secondly there are not many 1 story new homes or homes in this area that I'd want. "Oh there are 1 story houses there!" I then lost it, saying oh of course you know this area! You know everything I should do!
She then hung up.
I don't get it. Her goal is apparently for me to do more for her, go there more often. Why would I want to be chastised and belittled no matter what I do? It honestly is like going into a morgue or funeral home there. She has most of the blinds not open a lot (hard for her to open/close), typically in a bad mood when I get there, maybe pouting, then the heat is on high. If I sit down for a few minutes, I'm being lazy. If I ask how she wants something - I'm being stupid or complaining.
I used to be very upset when blowing up, but right now, I'm just numb. So used to being yelled at that it's the new norm. I guess I need to be more gray stone, and just let it bounce off of me. Thanks for letting me vent again.

Sissisu, practise saying this

"Call me when you're in a rational mood." Then mime putting the phone down.

Keep doing that until it feels natural. Then apply it to future phone calls.

God alone knows how anyone would think that she can make you fonder of her or more attentive to her wants by insulting and abusing you. But if I'm really honest? - I don't either understand why you are prepared to engage in this kind of conversation.

Your mother is amusing herself by tormenting you verbally. She doesn't want you to move, to stay, to do anything. She wants to play the game of saying hurtful things to someone she can rely on to be hurt and who will respond as desired. The only way to stop it is... not to play.

Do I sound as if I think your mother is so appalling that I don't care about her? I do care. I am very sorry to imagine any human being who has no better purpose in her life, no more enjoyable occupation for her time, than the habit of torturing her child. I hate to think how she got like this. Probably it was not her doing, not to begin with, not mainly. But CERTAINLY it was none of your doing; and your comfort and wellbeing we can do something about. Hers..? Trickier.

I will research some options. I have a very close friend going through the exact issues as me but with an age difference, Their son vs a parent. Same issues we are having. They are all in therapy and it is expensive. I will look at some of the facilities in town and ask today.
Rough week, very close friends anniversary who passed a number of years ago, moms birthday in a couple days are all reminders.
Anyway, come home a dad is rummaging through his stuff in the garage he put there after he cleaned his car out (his car crapped out and now driving my daughters car temporarily) looking for his GPS, "Why, where are you going?", "ahhh, no where, I just wanted it".... Nope, the man does not just want something, he is up to something.... Guess I have to put my foot down on the car not going out of state, My car My insurance!
He is still doing the opposite of what we do in the house. When I ask to have the doors in the laundry open to dry clothes, he closes them. Ask not to drive on the lawn and he still does. Ask to turn off lights when he leaves and he leaves them on, Just like a child when you say no they do the opposite. How do I combat that with talking to a therapist! He is still doing what he wants and that is OK, has his lady friend so it gets him out of the house but he is sly about it all now..... I dont want or need to know as long as it doesn't come back on me.

TG, I think what you need is a way to set boundaries with effective consequences without feeling like you are a bad person, which all of us following your story know is the opposite of the truth. ((hugs))

TG, a person who is having issues with their child and going to therapy is in a very different boat from you. Just fot starts, they have a legal obligation to that child. Your obligation to house, feed and care for your dad is a voluntarily undertaken obligation.

You seem to think your dad is being purposefully oppositional. You are not considering the idea that he's lost some cognitive functioning.

Ttherapy will help you sort out the stuff you have control over, and what you don't. And perhaps alternate ways of getting yours and his needs met.

Tg, here's the first test of the new resolve to set boundaries. Logical consequences - if you tell Dad that the car cannot be taken out of state and he does it anyway, what will the consequence be? Also, if your dad has lost some cognitive functioning, you might want to ride with him a couple times and assess his driving.

I am trying to keep up to date. Having the ups and downs. Today is my mother's birthday. She is 83. I used to cook a holiday meal and buy a nice cake and ice cream and invite anyone close to her. Did this every year since before my son.
This year I am a tad down, I really dont feel like doing anything, the house is going down and this year I am not doing all the cleaning as I used to do. I am not making a pretense of the situation. Its only my "aunt" Jean a close friend of my mothers and Mari my cousin who used to idolize my mother when she was younger. Anyway we do utube and play gospel, old songs, everyones favorites like gypsy women, and tequilla!. I am just going to order out from a icon rib play in area. Still debating on traveling to get the cake or just get one from the food town. Sometimes, I just feel old and tired.
This morning when I got in I wished my mother a happy birthday all happy, kissed her and told her about plan for a little party for her on friday as I tried to get her to eat. Well when I came down later she has all kind of icecream out the freezer, just buzzing away in and out of fridge.

TG, talking to someone will help you.

For me I know it took a lot of sabatoge and ugliness for me to see my mother and sister for who they were and how they really felt about me. Then it almost broke my heart and spirit. Now I cant drop my mother, that is a different kind of love and as far as my sister and nephew, that is a done deal.I was listening to a like prayer partner sent on utube - Lisa Nichols - how to turn your fear into fuel. well after all those yes yes, there was a good message. For me I am working towards knowing their negative and wrong perspective of me does not dictate who I am and once I really see this clearly It really wont matter what they think, I am giving them to much credit to think they will ever correct themselves. I cant change them but I am working on me slowly, painfully and surely.

Gershun, I understand the frustration with your brother's situation.

Glad, again, I enjoyed the progress around your knew home. It sounds exciting and a fun , hard project.

I did get a little down and well since the parental controls are on my favorite shows at my mother I went back to watching my religious channel. And what was the main subject of the first one I watched. How the the mind is powerful and how the enemy attacks our mind to break us down. so we think how bad we are, how ugly, fat, what ever or he uses whats close to us to form the attack. It was so good and uplifting. Even my mother was repeating the affirmations, I wish I could elaborate but right now I can just say it was good. I love Td Jakes,
Joyce Myer and Joseph Prince. Olsteen too. So if anyone is reallty down I would suggest checking these guys out. It really helped me way before I found this forum and especially when I first moved back into my mothers house into her and my twisted's realm of narcissism

Rays of love and light to all. Smile. It's awesome.

Just an FYI on my friends child, the child is 26 years old. He had a break down after college and wont work or fix the issue. He has started part time but it still living with them. Very similar.
Dads lady friend stopped by today and he invited her to sit by the pool for coffee, of course after she was here and by the pool he came down to ask if it was OK. I was fuming by then (working in my basement office) and kept totally silent. He got my drift very quickly. The sad thing is today is my moms birthday., I know I am being petty but I wish he had some sense of people around him but he doesn't care anymore. I know I am being petty. Personally I dont like this lady, she has a track record of gold digging he doesn't know about. And to boot I had oral surgery today so I am really not in any mood to fight let alone talk!

TG, WHY doesn't your father know about his lady friend's track record of gold-digging? Either it's true, and you're sure of that, and he needs to know. Or it's a rumour and it wants putting to bed one way or the other.

I think if I were... friends... with a widowed gentleman, much as I might wish to console him on the anniversary of his loss I wouldn't think it particularly sensitive to do that at his son's house. She wins no points with me on that score. But did she know?

Well, it doesn't stop does it? Just got news that my niece committed suicide. I know the troubles she was having with her mother (my sis) had sent her into a downward spiral. I am shocked but not surprised.

Oh, Golden, I am so sorry! HUGS.

So sorry Golden. Will be praying for you. HUG

That's sad news for sure, Golden. I'm sorry for your niece. Life is tough for everyone, but Life is incredibly tough for those who have parents who continue emotionally hurting them throughout their life. Not everyone is successful in drawing healthy boundaries. I hope your niece is at peace now.

Hugs, Golden, I'm so sorry.

Ohmygod, Golden, what terrible news.

Do you know what happened?

So sorry for this trajedy, Golden

Oh, Golden! I'm so very sorry. ((((((Hugs)))))).

Golden,
Sorry for your loss. Yes, tragic.

Golden...I'm so sorry to hear about your Niece and that youv'e had another loss in your family.
Many,many {{{hugs}}}

Golden, I am sorry to hear of your loss, that is terrible news. My deepest sympathy to you.
As far Country mouse, not too sure dad is aware of his friends track record and it is not rumor, I know from experience and families affected advising me so, more than one. I am sure it is not intentional but she is looking out for herself. She is not a bad person just nosy and I am not thrilled with her in the picture. She wiggles her way into peoples lives. She is already trying to get an invite to our daughters wedding which will not happen, this is way it is. Our daughter is friends with her daughter at church. She is trying to get into my family and I wont stand for it. As long as he has company fine but I draw the line at my house. My wife asked him last night at dinner not to invite her to our picnic this weekend. He didn't say a word.
I know I am being petty but I have no privacy and I am stuck here 24 hours a day as I work from home so I am around it all day long.
Yesterday was a pretty tough day for me.
My biggest issue is not being able to get vacation away from all the stress. Pretty much the stress is self driven so finding a way to confront it is difficult.
Getting tired of supplying everything, cleaning up pee on the bathroom floor when I go to use it, fighting over doors open or closed. Cleaning up, smelling his terrible smelling bedroom in the rest of the house or looking at his dirty laundry sitting in a bag in his living room floor for days on end. Yeah that kind of stress.

TG, with that list of issues your dad has, are you still claiming that he has no cognitive issues?

Have you spoken to his doctor about his steady decline?

Havent spoken to his Dr. lately. He would say he is fine anyway.... everyone does. I tried before, the doc then talks to him and I am yet again the bad guy. No one knows when to keep their mouth closed.
I got myself into this by having him live with me but there was no choice. Again, if I left him to his own device then I'd be the bad guy.

Tg, my mom's doc said she was fine, too.

Took a geriatric doc about 30 secs to send mom to a geri psych. Took geri psych another 30 secs to send mom for a neurocognitive evaluation.

My mom was not fine.

And yes. I was the bad guy, for a while. You know what? Being an adult is being the bad guy sometimes. When it's the right ( not the easy) thing to do, it's a tad easier.

What's wrong with being the bad guy?

Golden, I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand your shock. Prayers for you and your family. Sending (((hugs)))!

Golden - that is horrid. You have my deepest sympathies.

Golden, I am so sorry for your loss. As one whose family has been touched by suicide several times, I believe I can understand your sadness, and the shock. Please take gentle care.

Golden, so sad. I am so sorry. The fact that you are not surprised about this news says it all I guess.

My sister's first husband committed suicide and I was not surprised when I heard that news either.

Please feel free to vent to me and everyone Golden. No need to always be so strong as I know you are.

(((((Golden))))

Suicide stays with all in a family for their lives. Lost my dad when I was twelve. Not a day passes that I don't shake my head and wonder what the heck. The things he missed through growing up years, children and grands and even greatgrands. Broke my grandma's heart, he was an only and a very depressed person. I wasn't surprised, but it did not make it easier.😢

My B I L who committed suicide was always the life of every party. And yet, when he and my sister divorced he became lost. His own immediate family were a nightmare. His father abusive, his sister a prostitute. When he felt he had lost all of us as a family I think he felt he had no where to turn. He had phoned my mother a few times after the divorce, reaching out no doubt. My mom didn't respond probably in loyalty to my sister. Not that it may have made any difference. Very sad.

TG, you have something against this lady based, in fact, on what you have heard about her from reliable and concerned sources.

But to your father, it looks like you've got something against his having fun with a lady companion. He thinks this is a game.

Would it not be better to share the information with him? He thinks you want to stop him having fun, but what you actually want is to stop him being mugged. Say so.