The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi all - thx for the support. I'm OK . Having some tears over my niece which I didn't over mother. I think I had cried enough over the years that there were no more left for her. Feeling very sad for my niece. I have no doubt the the house issues she went through with her mother in the last months were a significant factor in her suicide, the last straw so to speak, on top of a lifelong dysfunctional relationship.

I have had a few emails from my sis looking to increase our contact. I understand where she is coming from but cannot afford to get any closer to her than I am. In fact I need more distance. She now has lost the two main players in her game - her (our) mother and her daughter, and I know she is looking to recruit me in as a substitute. That would be like drinking poison and I have no intention of downing the cool aid.

I came across this today and it spoke loudly to me.

Tg, and some others, you might take it to heart

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people
be authentic
take the next step
speak my truth
breathe

Good guidelines for healthy relationships and a healthy self.

I had a burst of activity yesterday and ploughed through a pile of mother's mail, sorted it and will shortly address the outstanding issues. Feels good to have gotten this far

Take care all. Look after yourselves.

TG, on a macro level, you appear to think that folks, starting with your dad, can percieve/see what you are seeing without being told.

That was a huge problem for me, before therapy. I just assumed that everyone was seeing the world through my eyes. And that when they didnt do " the right thing" it was because they were in some way ignoring or insulting me.

Understand that not everyone pays attention to or values what you do. It's a starting point. Also consider the possibility of cognitive decline.

My heart and prayers are with you Golden. I like the list you put on here... I need to instill these things in me also. We are only human and can give and take so much. Take care of yourself... (and, everyone here). 🌹🌹🌹

Golden, you are right. You keep those boundaries up.

I've just started building my boundaries with those in my family who'd like to mess with my well being. It's not a strong wall yet but it's getting there.

I'm busy putting my oxygen mask on and can't hold anyone else's on for them. Leading by example I guess.

Mom entered hospice this week. I’m unsure of the decision but with the help of regular home health, we got it done. I look at mom and wonder if she’ll still be with us this year.  Dad is still hostile and not just with me. I plan to ask social worker or the chaplain to work with him. I am finding myself disgusted with the family dynamics and then sad about mom. Sister is still hostile toward me. She started such mess the other day that I thought police would have to be called in but everyone finally settled down.

Back to mom. She asked me today, did you wash the dog? I happily replied, he all washed up and peacefully sleeping. Yesterday she told me before leaving to plait my hair and get some sleep when I get home (I plait her hair). Honestly I am dying inside.

I’m just wondering why God seem to take away everyone I’m close too. My younger brother, one of my older sisters, my grant-mother in law, and now mom seems to be leaving unless she turns around, and dad seems to have abandoned me after all we've been through together.

Sleep is needed. Going to go and try to get some.

answry, I think as you get older you lose people along the way. Such is life. It doesn't make it any easier knowing this but rest assured you are in good company.

I've lost a Father, a brother, my mom, my first love when I was very young, a B I L, you name it. I know I'll lose more down the road. I wouldn't think of it as God taking people from me. It's just life. We lose people and have to somehow manage to go on.

Stay strong!

glad, sharyn and others - I know that suicide has affected you deeply.

sissi - I have wondered why you call your mum so much when you always get upset by the calls.

tg - I hope you find a good counsellor to help you with the dad problem. It is not going to get easier.

thx, heart. Yes we are only human and we do need to look after ourselves.

gershun - glad to hear you are building boundaries with your family. You have had a lot of grief from them. At one point I visualized a brick wall and planted climbing roses against it. I may have to go back to that. You are right that as we age we lose more and more people.

answry - sorry to hear about your mum. Hope hospice will be very helpful. Disgusted with family dynamics is the norm here, I think. I have lost many people too. It means I have to rely on God more .

The hardest part so far in the grief of losing my niece is anger at my sis. Narcs see only what serves them, My nephew was the golden child, who miraculously broke away from her, and was disinherited by his mother for doing so. My niece was the servant child, who was never able to break out of that role. She remained in an unhealthy relationship with her mother and suffered great emotional pain due to that. I know the pain as I suffered it due to the treatment I received from my mother and my sister. Narcs jerk you around if you let them, I finally learned to distance myself. That did not get rid of all the pain, but made contact with them tolerable - barely.

The sun is shining today and a rose that with permission we dug a root of - actually three roots - from the garden at mother's last alf has survived the winter. I will pull some dead stuff and see it the other two are growing. It had a lovely pink blossom 🌸 and the best scent I am smelled in a rose here for a long time. When I move I will take it with me. The landscapers have raked, aerated, mowed, weeded and feeded over the past few days and given me a 50% discount as I am an old lady. Can't do better than that! Can't remember if I have already mentioned that. I asked them for it as the appliance tech gave me a discount. Doesn't hurt to ask. Getting bolder as I get older!!!

Take care all. Have a good day today. It's all you've got.

Hugs, Golden, you are absolutely right about the narc behavior. It's sad and at the same time makes one angry, and for me it's hard to understand the cruelty behind their behavior.

I am dealing right now with my oldest daughter who is totally enmeshed with Ngrandmother and Nsis, whom I had reconnected with around Christmas time and we had stayed in touch since. Her behavior sometimes resembles theirs as well.

A few days before the baby was born, we went to a game night with some ladies from my church and then that weekend went to a movie together. She told me she had moved out of Ngrandmother's house "because of all the drama" and had moved in with her boyfriend (another drama-filled situation, come to find out).

Later, when I was in the hospital recovering from a C-section after baby was born, she texted me at 2 am saying how she was so upset because she had gotten into it with her boyfriend and with my sis and that sis told her to just "f-ing call your mother" and that she could just walk to work. Apparently my sister has been letting my daughter use her car. That's the MO. When I refused to tolerate disrespectful behavior a couple of years ago and set strong boundaries, my daughter moved in with the narcs who were only too happy to swoop in and enable her and make me the bad guy. And of course grandmother talked her out of going away to college in favor of staying close by, despite the fact that she had scholarships. In fact, my daughter dropped out of classes altogether, and I think has only recently re-enrolled in a class or two. Just sad to see her give up her dreams because of what grandmother wants.

On Mother's Day, I had sent her a nice poem that I had found about how much my kids mean to me and I sent it to her to be thoughtful, not necessarily expecting mother's day wishes or a response. But it hurt my feelings that her response was, "Well, I'm finally glad I was born for once in my life, and for the lessons I have learned. Everything I have been through has made me who I am today." I told her, "I've always been glad you were born." She replied, "Thank you, I'm glad I was too." No idea what her problem is/was, but she texted me yesterday asking if she could come hug the baby since SIL told her that baby was now home.

She does this often, will say mean and hurtful things and then text later and act like nothing was ever said. I asked her if she was angry about something and told her that her text on Mother's Day hurt my feelings. She responded with a bunch of hurtful ranting, saying that I let my mother die because I didn't take good enough care of her, I should never have been a parent, and she said that my SIL made some comments about me and hubs and our marriage also. And a bunch of other mean things. I just told her that I love her but I'm not going to argue with her amd haven't responded anymore, even though she is still sending ranting texts today.

Hubs asked his sister and she said my daughter was lying, and texted me that she doesn't know why I believed my daughter, that as an adult and knowing how my daughter is, I should know better, etc etc. I'm not going to argue with her either. She's said things in the past that make me believe some of it she actually did say, plus she knows what we've been through with our daughter, so why is she telling her our business?

I've finally come to the realization that I think I am going to have to just go no contact with my own child for the time being. She's an extension of the other narcs who are using her to get to me, I'm sure. I am just trying to live my life without all the drama.

I hear you, fraz. "Just trying to live your life..."and "hard to understand the cruelty behind their behavior". 

My earliest memory of these dynamics was sitting on my bedroom floor as a preschooler playing with my toys when suddenly mother descended upon me like the wrath of God and ripped up one side of me and down the other for I'm not sure what. My sis was standing slightly behind her with a little smile on her face while this went on. Mother's anger was to do with something sis had told her about me. I never did understand what it was, All I was doing was playing with my toys.

This theme was played many times during my life till I realised it and significantly reduced contact with both my mother and my sister. Even then nastiness came at me from sis. After she would turn around and smile and deny that anything had happened. Mother would do the same if she had a blow up. You were supposed to forget that it ever happened and carry on normally. I can't do that.

Her daughter (my late niece) said to me recently how cruel, and cold her mother was. I said, "I know. I grew up with her."

There is something wrong with their wiring. It does sound like you need firm boundaries again with your dd. They tread all over your feelings with no regard for you. For me, it has come down to self protection above the family ties that bind,

Golden (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry for your loss my heart and prayers are with you. I pray your niece is at peace.

It is a cruel and painful life with a narcissist.
Golden, that list was helpful.

Frazzeled, so true how they take in any and everyone to build a case against you. Same with my mother and sister.

We have to keep repairing the fences around our hearts and mind.

It really scared me that it took so long to grasp the truth and now trying to learn ways to keep up and rebuild barriers.

Dear Golden, I am so sorry to hear about your Niece's death, how tragic to feel so desperate to then take your own life. Life is so not fair to some, and I am sorry for your loss. Hugs Love!

We are dealing with a difficult situation in our own family, my Fave Sister Lorraine is in the midst of a very dysfunctional long term marriage and her husband is having some mental illness issues that he will not deal with in any way, ie; drug and alcohol abuse, sabotaging his own 34 year state job to the point of being fired recently which recently resulted in a mental breakdown and hospitalization, and it has been a living nightmare for her.

Her marriage been dysfunctional and co-dependant for so long that she has had to shut down her emotions and feelings and put up boundaries towards him and their situation and no amount of encouragement and support from us 3 sisters has been of any help to her to leave the marriage, as she feels a certain amount of responsibility to him for fear he will go off the rails and possibly injure himself or even commit suicide should she leave him, keeping her in a very unhealthy place, and even she admits that it is only a matter of time until something bad happens which will result in her having to take action, however I am extremely uncomfortable with her taking that stance on the issue.

All 3 sisters, as well as her own 2 daughters have offered her a place to stay while she gets through a divorce which is a long time coming, help has been offered to help them to sell their home, and all of the family has been supportive to her husband even, they are just no good to one another and haven't been for many years. My husband has been kind and supportive to my BIL, with offers to get him to mental health care, assisting him in job searches as well as SS disability if that is what he would like to inquire, but all offers have been declined, leaving my sister in a constant state of worry and fear of her safety as well as his. My husband was able to get the 2 guns out of the house, as this was part of what brought police to the home, resulting in an involuntary stay (12days) in a mental hospital 3 weeks back, still nothing can be done encourage him to seek help yet.

So sister here this morning, needing a moment's peace from his ranting and ravings, and despite my ( and everyone else's) repeated trying, there is nothing I can do to change this dysfunctional dynamic as I've tried everything I can think of! Just waiting for the next shoe to drop, not a comforting place to be.

BIL was diagnosed with Depression, Bipolar disorder, and Sociopathic behavior and NPD, so he is in desperate need of serious mental treatment, but is refusing all care, but has no problems blaming his diagnosis for his awful behavior, leaving my sister between a rock and a hard place. I fear for her safety, but she refuses to leave him and everything she has worked for all her life, it is a very co-dependant relationship, Ugg!

Stacey, I recently was following a conversation on the web about women who choose to remain with their (potentially) abusive partners, and the advice given was to have a plan in place and to establish some firm boundaries that let you know it is time to run. I'm linking a brochure you and your sister might find helpful (bearing in mind that this is a resource from a Canadian province so some parts may not be applicable)

http://www.legal-info-legale.nb.ca/en/uploads/file/pdfs/safety-planning/strategies/Safety%20Plan-Eng-Web.pdf

Cwilley, thank you so much for the support and the Link, I will read it and pass it on, Much appreciated!

duck and stacey - thank you

duck - it takes time to accept that they are playing games with us and then to take the necessary self protective steps.

stacey - what a horrible situation. Your sister is in danger IMO and she feels responsible for her sick hub. What boundaries has she put up? You all are right in wanting her to leave the situation. I can see this is a terrible worry to your family. Has she gone to counselling herself to learn about her issues? Her husband is a very ill man and is refusing help. Separating from him until he gets help is not giving up her marriage. It is protecting herself and giving him the opportunity to do something good for himself. If he does not get help she doesn't have a marriage but a dangerous trainwreck of a relationship. ((((((hugs))))) to you. This is a nightmare.

My niece and her husband had a good and peaceful relationship. They really cared for one another. That didn't stop her from taking her life. Tell your sister that.

Extreme fire hazard again and then waking up to the smell of smoke is not comfortable. We are getting smoke from the fires to the east of us many, many, miles away, thankfully. I am staying in as my eyes sting from it sometimes even indoors.

glad - we could use some of your snow here right about now. Did I really say that??? Rain would be better. 🌧 ☂

Golden, there have been many times where my sister has come to stay with us when she was fed up, or was not feeling safe, using it as a cooling off period for both of them. She has many people who care about her and have offered her a place to stay, and it is only a matter of time before she reaches that point of forever, and we are prepared for that.

I have personally taken her to a couple of ALANON meetings, but she doesn't feel she needs this, she is a voracious reader and gets her support from this and from family at this point, but she is definitely depressed and has been for a long time, which keeps her shut in and tethered to this unhealthy situation and her home.

Just recently, and following his involuntary stay in the mental hospital, she moved herself to the MIL side of their home (the side we lived in for 2 months following the selling our home) to put some distance between them, and post his release, several of us had quite the sit down to discuss the necessity of this, and the boundaries necessary for her to continue staying there, however he pushes those boundaries often as he is understandably "lonely" being restricted from entering "her side". Initially they felt this might work for awhile (even before his breakdown), while they decided what to do about the state of their marriage, but it is definitely not a long term solution to their problems, nor any way to salvage their marriage or their housing issues.

It would be best if they sell their home, live separately for a while, including a "legal separation", until they can figure out if they want to make divorce official, but both are struggling with that decision, as deep down there is still either love there or merely the feelings of responsibility to one another, but in my opinion, their marriage has been over for at least 15 years, way too long to just "put up" with one another and certainly no way to live, so unhealthy and unhappy too! They both need individual as well as together counseling, big time, which has been suggested Many a time.

For now, all we can be is supportive to both, and help them to make the right decisions. It is a very sad and sometimes scary place to be, as I Love my sister, and love her husband too, unfortunately he has changed so much over the years from his chronic drug abuse.

stacey -so frustrating and worrying for you and the rest of your family. In my view, sis does not need a cooling off period but a time apart from her hub with certain objectives set which have to be met before they can reunite. It sounds like everything is run by emotions, I also think sis needs individual counselling. Reading off the internet isn't doing it for her. Sounds like she needs antidepressants too. The staying on different sides of the house was doomed from the start. Of course he would break boundaries - that's the nature of the illness.

You are your family are doing all you can. One or both of them have to make the changes - you can't do it for them and I know you know that. (((((((hugs)))))

Golden, I completely agree with you, counseling is in order. Thankfully she has been on anti-depressants for years, but that is not enough in dealing with this current problem, and you are right, separate but same household is not enough as with his particular issues, he does not/will not respect the boundaries even though the intention was there to try to save money which is tight, until they could come up with a more permanent solution for their marriage problems. His losing his job made everything worse , but also brought all of the problems to the forefront

We all know and she knows that divorce is the only way, but 35 years is hard to flush away, especially now that there are 2 beautiful new Grandbabies to share and what should be the best of retirement years to look forward to, they will have to find the best way around this. Even thi morning I asked her if she thought how things will feel at family gatherings if they should divorce, and she feels like she could be fine with it, but I know she is worried that he will commit suicide without her, and that is what is holding her there, it is very sad. Thank you for your wise words as always!

I call mom daily, basically to see if she's ok (physically). I honestly should cut back, tell her it's my cell services, have to call on special days only or something. It used to be a couple of times a week, at most, but that was when you paid for long distance calls. If I do not call her now, she'll keep calling me over and over until I answer.
So I opted to not go there this weekend in favor of next weekend, her birthday. Her birthday MUST be celebrated, after all. It was never that much as we were growing up, but now we have to do a real dog and pony show.
She was fine with my going there next weekend, but I knew by the time Monday rolled around, she'd be in a foul mood. Yep, just got off the phone. Bad day, all alone. The thing is all we'd do would be is me making some big old meal for her while she sat, and then probably groused about something being too tough or not hot enough. She was all fine Sat and Sun. Sunday she and brother went out to eat and she had to (HAD TO) tell their waitress next weekend was her birthday. Sure enough waitress came over with that restaurant's birthday treat, and they sang to her. Oh she really hit the jackpot!! Had to call and tell me all about it. Whatever. Restaurants do that all the time; it wasn't just for you. (I think she thinks it was).
So, tonight she said I don't care about next weekend. Well, if you don't care then I'm not busting my ass to get there.
Then I had said oh did you see the ex-MLB player passed away from Lewy Body Dementia? I said I believe it hits people mainly in 50/60's (at least the cases I have read about are in that age group). "Maybe I have it. There's something wrong with me, everything aches, and I can't do anything with my hands!" Of course, she has to be suffering more than anyone. She can move her fingers enough to feed herself, so not really paralyzed or anything. She's lost dexterity, which does come with old age. She says it's from doing so much for everyone during her life (and now no one - aka me - will help her!!). I am calling the local chiropractic/pain center there tomorrow. They do non-surgical treatment for carpal tunnel and related hand issues. If she refuses to go, I'm drawing a line in the sand. I will pack up right then and there. She wants help (so she says), but when I've said let's go see your doctor, the response is "doctors now days don't know nothing!" She expects me to find a miracle cure online. "Well, you're online all the time!" So passive aggressive dig and another one - why can't you fix me - underlying theme - it's my fault.
It was a relaxing weekend for the most part. I see it more and more that I will probably have to go no contact if she keeps getting more and more angry and nasty. So unfortunate. If we could keep it just civil, just civil, it would be so much better. She thinks we should be like other mother and daughters, except we were NEVER close. It was her dictating to me, never ever having any in depth conversations - except about her. Her horrible life, the same stories of how she's been wronged. Never once did she ask me what do you want to do - what are your hopes and dreams? Nothing ever. So she's wanting a closeness that was never there. And when I've said as much, she says so now it's my fault. There's no use in saying whose fault, water under the bridge. And even now, if I say something, I'm talked over, ridiculed, laughed at, some passive aggressive remark is made, lectured to, or just ignored (she'll say oh I was watching/listening to xxxxx on the tv). So whatever I say isn't worth listening to one bit. If I don't talk, then she gets mad, too. She'll just talk endlessly where I can't get a word in edgewise, then yell at me for not saying a word. She's seen other mother/daughter duos (like some sappy ad or Hallmark moment), and thinks that is what I want, too! Of course, it's my fault that we're not close to that picture.

StaceyB , so sorry about your sisters situation. Its so hard to let go and move on from people who are hurting us sometimes. Losing a 35year old state job is very truamatic. I hope your bIL gets the help he needs. Meanwhile its great that your sister has a sister like you to lean on. She has probably gone through a lot more than she has shared and I am quite sure it helps having someone like you in her corner.

I did the dinner and cake for my mother, my cousin Mari didnt come she had leg pains but "aunt' Jean came. My mother barely made an effort to blow out candles.But it was nice. and I felt good seeing the candles lit up. Meanwhile the twisted whose birthday is 22nd next day after my mother went to I guess atlantic city. I noticed her whole floor was dark. she had turned out the light in the hall and bathroom and the bulb in the room my mother likes to use was out and she was up there in the dark. I dont understand what she was thingkin to leave everything in darkness plus the toilet running. Then I noticed the room right under the "kitchen" on my sisters floor has buckling of the ceiling by the window. That room is also cluttered with junk. I could barely get the door open. And I am so burnt out that I dont even want to do what I need to do in my own room. Got to learn and find the way to focus on me and learn to love myself and take care of me first.

I had a dilemma again with the cake. Last year, the top of the cake slid off. I caught it before I got on train and took it back. This year the dang store was closed. So I high tail it downtown to a store to get this fabulous carrot cake, well dang! the cake was discontinued! So I got a cake from foodtown and had to wait forever just to get the writing on the cake. On the bus back home a homeless man had the bus stinking. I didnt notice the smell, I think my sensors got burnt out working with homeless in the emergency room. Its sad, the mental illness, anyways, I ran into a scene with a mother and young son and bunch of police and inquired around and the mother was dragging the son down the street and was drunk, lots of witnesses. Its so sad you never know what a person is going through or has been through.

Today I got on bus with a new but now regular driver. I always say hello, or good evening he never answers. long story short, I got a smile out of him today when I jokingly asked if he talks. Then I thought about how sometimes I have felt I had the world on my shoulders and that maybe he is going through a personal hell right now and to just smile when I get on his bus.

I have been having horrific sinus pain at night, up crying, flushing my nose its been hard. The psuedoepinephrine help but my presure goes up. Suffer or blow a fuse? So Saturday I tried afrin which I was advised against. You can only use it 3 days. I also picked up a painkiller with benadryl. Took one pill and used the afrin and the pain resolved much faster than before.

Still havent heard from APS , hoping and praying the case doesnt get lost in the process. I keep calling, leaving messsages. Meanwhile it gets overwhelming with my mother at times. Sometimes its frustrating trying to get her to eat. and the surprises that she leaves and create can be overwhelming not to mention the onset of summer heat, flies, nats and moths. Oh boy!!!

I hope you all do some "me" time and hug yourselves and love yourselves and pat yourselves on the back for being awwesome folk and survivors.

Dduck, thank you for your support, and I'm glad your birthday party for your Mom went off alright!

I am lucky that I have 3 wonderful sister's to share in life's troubles, we are always very supportive of one another so my troubled sister knows she always has someone to talk to. I am just happy that she finally opened up and completely shared all of their issues with the other 2, as it does take some of the pressures off of me, who always felt like I had to keep her secrets., but I do realize it's embarrassing for her to reveal the ugly fractures in her marriage, especially when it has to do with his addiction problems, so now they know everything, they knew things were bad, just not How Bad. A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that!

I have faith that it will work out for the best in time, I just wish it would hurry up, but it is tricky as we all do care about him too! He was a great guy until the drugs got ahold of him, but he still tries to justify his pain problems, and until he faces up to the facts that these pain pills are his downfall and get off of them, his problems will only get worse, it's such an vicious cycle. He knows he needs help, but is paralyzed to put one foot in front of the other, and with his mental health issues on top of it, it's like it now gives him the excuse and the control, but he's wrong! He is the one who stands to lose everything, she will be fine! It's just so sad!

Ahh, Stacey. So sad. Been there too. My relationship with J was only 15 years. He basically committed suicide by alcoholism. And I hung on and hung on until mom needed care. That was my way out and it did me wonders as there was someone I COULD help and someone that needed it, wanted it and was appreciative of it.

Sis needs to be in therapy. I did alanon for awhile it was not what I needed either. I needed a partner that was able to want sobriety for himself. He just didn't. A group setting like alanon is very hard, especially for people that do not want to make their problems public, even if shared in a so called "closed" group. It still gets around. It sounds like sis is in denial about hubby's problems and hoping that magically one day he will make the decision to get clean and go after it as if nothing were more important in his life.

After sis on anti's so long, she may need something else. Why is she resistant to therapy? It is great that you have such great relationships with your sisters and that L finally told other two what has been going on. Therapists are specially trained to help and have seen it all and know how to talk to people that are suffering. Your sister is not safe. If she is afraid hubs will commit suicide she MUST get out of there. Often they will take the one that they love the most, but the brain just is not functioning properly.

I worked with a woman, very pleasant, cheerful, but something was not quite right. She lost her life in murder-suicide, quite the shock to everyone. Thank goodness the children were not home. Talked with another woman that worked with us following the deaths, she, too, knew something was not right.

Whatever it takes, she either needs to get out of there or get hubs hospitalized for his own good and for her life. The support she receives from you and family is wonderful though not a substitute for what she needs.

So sorry this is happening to her and your family.

Thanks Glad, you are right in that she needs counseling and I will push her to do just that, the sisters are not a substitute for unbiased counsel, as we are too close to the situation.

She is strong and not in denial of situation, she knows that the time has come to take action, it's just taking that first big step into the unknown that has her frightened.

It's only a matter of time before it happens. I appreciate everyone's advice! Thanks again!

Stacey, I’m so sorry your sister is having problems in her marriage. I was in a bad marriage for 25 years. Went to counseling. But that doesn’t accomplish much if the other person doesn’t go. Finally, left. Took a long time to get past that. She’s lucky to have you and your other sisters for support.

Duck, Hope APS gets busy on your mom’s case. Feel better. Sinus pain is the worst. I had it for several years before I had sinus surgery. Fortunately, haven’t had many problems since then.

Stacey has sis talked with hubby's doc to let him know how bad the problem has become? How is hubs getting the drugs? I know she probably does not want to do that. She in enabling hubby to continue on the path he is on. Doc may have suggestions for her as well.

Has anyone used CDB oils? My friend who is a chiropractor uses it? My 89 YO neighbor is in constant pain. She was advised to use it. I got a bottle for her and advised her daughter. 5 drops a day for pain. Hopefully it will help her. She has a lot of leg and back pain from years of broken bones. Has anyone had any luck with it? BTW it is not the oil with THC in it. I am sure that would be better for her tho!

Dad lost his phone the other day, wandering around looking for it., I called it and someone answered it. An older gentleman. Long story short it was 45 minutes away from me and my friend lives in the same town. So I asked him to get it. The next day I drove 45 mins out and 45 back to get it. I give him his phone and he just says "oh wow". Apparently he lost it in the porta john at the park. I told him to mail the person a gift card for being so nice to hold on to it. Not much of a thank you for going out of my way to get it. My wife says I should have held on to it for a while. Just another someone else will fix it. I figured the relatives will be concerned about him.

He seemed a little miffed because my wife asked him not to invite his lady friend to the picnic this weekend. Too bad, my house my rules, my wife did not want his lady friend being the center of attention as she does. The morning of the picinc she upset my daughter with her antics at church so it is hitting home here.

It is challenging living with a parent. I am trying to live my life the way I want but have to live the way others want to have.

Tgengine,
What kind of thanks did your friend get for picking up your Dad's phone?
Interesting story, but long story short.

Your wife was right, you should have held onto the phone awhile. Therein lies part of the problems you are having, imo. Giving up control too easily, too willingly, too often.

He who has the money, the cell phone, the car, has the control. He who has control has the power.

I cannot think of anyrhing right now how you could have used that control to reign your father in a bit, but others might. I don't know if it would have been a good thing, or a bad thing. But maybe achieve a balance between always being used up, resentful; and your too generous ways, resentful with your father.

Keep smiling.

Stacey,
I’m sorry to read about the struggles in your family.

Golden,
I read your posts and others on this thread. Your nieces death what a tragedy.

I have never spilled my guts on this thread. I just never felt compelled to do so.

Some May have read in my posts to others threads about my Shady Sister. She is the youngest. My middle sister was killed in a one car roll over accident in 2001. Alcohol was involved. I am the oldest.

Shady Sisters life imploded in Feb-April 2015 about the time my Mom went on Hospice. Her husband asked my help to try to get her into treatment. She was erratic and he was afraid she was suicidal or would become suicidal as her life implosion was unraveling. So, it happened the big meltdown. I got her to the ER and she was admitted to the mental health adept for three days. Alcoholism yes we knew that. Cocaine also! She was referred to an out patient treatment center. She fell off the wagon or was caught by her husband 5 weeks later.

I threw up boundries but I did my walk away. I would talk to her on phone occasionally.

She had a Gastric Bypass surgery July 2018. I did not know how that affected her drinking. I just wasn’t involved.

I left house without my phone Saturday afternoon for several hours. When I got home I had a missed call and text from Shady Sisters husband. I knew it was not going to be good. I have not been in contact with him since Fall 2015.

I returned his call. My sister, with basically no stomach, was driving around on a country road, drinking, with 5 kids in the car. She went thru a curve, through a fence. Air bags deployed. One kid was in front seat. His face was burned. I don’t know how seriously. Everyone was transported to hospital and released except the child affected by the airbag.

The State Trooper relayed to the husband blood would be taken at the hospital and she probably would be looking at a Felony.

I have zero, zilch, nada, no sympathy towards my Sister. Very little for her husband due to the fact he has enabled her for so long. Their 9 year old son and the others in the car I am just sick about that whole situation.

I didn’t have much to say to BIL. No I told you so, etc. I only told him I could get him a name of an Attorney. Not to get her out of this! This is just undefendable.

Anyway, due to the subjects here in the last few days I felt compelled to post.

I am in no way going to enter stage left in any way into this downward spiraling vortex that is their life.

At first I was livid, angry beyond belief, then numb. This morning I woke up with this dread in the pit of my stomach.

DH is going to be on vacation this week thru next weekend. We are busy and headed out of town late week. When I am busy the thought of this mess is not in my mind. But in my down time it invades my mind.

Im gonna give this a few days. If I am not handling this any better I will have to get myself to a counseler or therapist for help.

I am fixing to call my neighbor. She is very familiar with my sister’s history. She was, years ago a tough love coach or counseler. He brother was a Vietnam Vet and an addict.

My neighbors Mom and My Mom passed away within six months of each other. We leaned on each other heavily.

My Sister when in a situation she can’t talk or cry herself out of then talks of suicide. I guess that is what the feeling of dread is in the pit of my stomach.

I hate to hear when people use the Suicide card frequently, in order to control others thoughts and actions, in a "crying wolf" sort of fashion, it so unfair.

We are taught to take action any time someone says that they are going to harm themselves or are going to commit suicide, but when it is said over and over again, that person clearly needs help, but also is trying to manipulate you, and this is what has been going on in my sisters relationship for years. At some point you become numb to react to the threats, and that is such a terrible place to be forced into, and then add alcohol and drugs into the mix, it's mental cruelty.

Besides the ever present issues with Always keeping my sister off her axis with sadness, worry, and secrecy, my BIL is very manipulative, he is a pathological liar and he spends large amounts of money on Nothing (scratch cards, casino gambling, booze and pot, Anything) without any remorse or regard that it is taking resources away from where they are truly needed, and then my sister (the bill payer) must then find a way to borrow Peter to pay Paul, it's a vicious cycle with him.

I could go down a list of all the horrible things my sister has put up with for years, it's all awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and she's such a lovely person, wife and Mother.

My BIL lost his job with the Wa state Ferries, 30+ years, 3 years to go till full retirement, he sabotaged it himself, poor performance, poor attendance, a job my own husband says was his Dream Job, well my BIL went off the deep end, and this all happened when my husband and I were still living with them temporarily. He blamed everyone but himself, claiming they were "out to get him". He was able to hold it together until my husband and I moved out about a week later, actually, my sister said that the 2 months that we stayed with them was the most peaceful time around their house in a very long time, but it was only temporary.

So he lost his job and we had just bought our new place, but before we moved out, both my husband and I did everything we could to be understanding and helpful, it was a major event, my sister was devastated not knowing how they were going to make it financially, how she was going to deal with his craziness, knowing that things were about to implode, and here it was supposed to be a very happy time in our life, it was tense around there to say the least. On one hand we couldn't wait to get out of there fast enough, and on the other hand I just knew BIL was unstable, and that sister was terrified of what would happen next.

So we tried to stay positive for him, counseling him on what to do next, I helped him apply for Unemployment insurance, and apply for his Pension. Helped her to get Medicare which she is entitled to due to being on SS disability and no longer under his work health insurance plan. Told him to go to the VA for health insurance, as he is a Veteran, all of the things I could think of to help to alleviate some of the financial pressures and worries off of them ASAP, and now here we were, moving out and with us the 1000 rent monies we were paying each month, another blow, I felt guilty leaving her with this mess all the while knowing he was going to implode.
Cont...

Lizzywho,
So sorry this has happened.
I know about detaching with love.
I know being dragged back in by horrific circumstances.
I know the always on my mind, gut wrenching thoughts of caring and concern.

Then, attempting to detach again, with love, a lot harder. But you will find the best way to save your own sanity, I am sure of it.

For me, it is all too often, not answering that phone call.