The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I hope it's okay to vent here. (It's my first post and if i'm not following the forum guidelines please remove).
I'm the youngest of 2 and have an elder drug addict brother.
My parents live with me and my husband.
My father is 89, an depressed alcoholic, weak heart, very old world values (the man is the master of the house).
My mother is 85, has dementia (no short term memory, some delusions).

My brother lived with us on and off the past year after going to rehab. At one point his dog killed my dog which was very painful for me. He also totalled our car. I thought he was mostly clean throughout the year, but turns out he wasn't. He's not living here any longer.
My parents both lost their driving licenses last summer and moved in with me, at my request and also at their request, in September. I'd been asking them to move in for the past few years because they were very isolated and my mother wasn't receiving care, my father didn't give her meds or even bring her to medical appointments. He only focused on himself and he refused to move. So until they lost the ability to drive he was adamant they would not move.
From the day they got here things have been tumultuous. My father blamed me for their moving and I was the focus of his resentment and anger. They both have never respected me and have always preferred my brother (old world culture preferring males). My brother was here over Christmastime(who has always controlled the finances) and has been stealing and convincing my father to give him money for many years now. I found his drugs over Christmas and he screamed and me and stormed out.
My father calls my 3 cousins and complains I am verbally abusing them. I do lose my temper on occasion because they both refuse to allow me to manage the cooking (I have never previously prepared a meal for them in my life because they refuse to allow me believing I cannot cook). So they like to control the kitchen, but being in the state they are, have to be supervised very carefully. Gas has been left on, things get burnt, things get salted and then salted again... My cousins are taking my father's word and refuse to discuss anything with me (we have never been close, but my father calls them regularly. My father drinks daily and often pours my mother a drink which turns her into a mess. We've asked him not to encourage her to drink and he was outraged we dared to mention it. My mom complains to my father I am rude to her and she wants to leave and my father who would love to leave leaps on the bandwagon and they plot to return to their former apartment (5 hours away), or move overseas where they have an apartment. No one who knows them thinks they can live on their own. I've told them they can go to assisted living, but they both say they don't need to.
So my brother is mostly estranged from me. My parents call him regularly asking him to help them find an apartment, or to come visit. They don't really believe he is as bad as he is.
This is all meandering and nonsensical. I'm rambling.
But it's all driving me crazy. I'm exhausted.
It's funny, but my parents and brother always considered me the irresponsible and stupid family member. I have been a stay at home mother most of my life and they just think my opinions and ideas are meaningless. But now it turns out I ended up being the responsible one.
My husband and I live a quiet peaceful life and we feel like a tornado has come through.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. It's just so complicated that I don't have the energy to explain to my friends.'

Things went on with them, we were still going by often, I helped him with his job hunt, his resume, but he wasn't into it, just wanting to do the minimum in order to get Unemployment coming in. My sister was Stressed, he was drinking and smoking pot more and more,which was actually unusual for him, as pain pills are his drug of choice, but now that he wasn't working, no more work drug tests, so anything goes I guess.

My BIL has had an estranged relationship with his family for many years, he used triangulation to estranged my sister from his family and Visa versa, so there was no love loss there, she does not have a relationship with them, but now he was more actively calling them and they calling him.

About 2 weeks after he lost his job, I offered to take my sister out to the Casino, and pay her way, something like a Thank-you for having us in their home for those 2 months. I knew she was broke, stressed,and felt she needed a few hours out of the house, so out we went.

We left at 6pm, and at 9pm I got a phone call from BIL, he was upbeat and in good spirits, sounded very normal to me, he said he had been talking to his brother, had had a great chat, "got his head on straight", asked if we were having fun, had we won (I had, and was sharing with my sister!😃) and our call ended on a positive note.

At 11:30pm my sister dropped me off, went home and walked into a complete disaster! Her husband has destroyed their home, turned over every piece of furniture, smashed the TV, and every lamp and overhead light fixture. He pulled every knob off of the kitchen doors and drawers, pulled the food out of cupboards and fridge onto the floor, destroyed his granddaughters books and toys, the baby swing and other baby items, had punched and kicked holes in the walls, it was horrible! My sister walked in and said "what have you done" and "do you feel better now" in which he replied "Yes", and she immediately called me to see if she could come back to my house, and she told him she was leaving and he begged her to stay, nope, she left.

He then called their daughter (30 with a new baby), midnight now, threatening suicide. She told him she was calling the police, he said he would kill them too, she called the suicide hotline, they told her to call the police, she did. By the time she got to her parents home, there were about 8 police cars, and she couldn't get down their private drive. The police took him 8nto custody without incident and they transported him to the hospital in a straight-jacket per my niece.

So he was in hospital for 4 days and then transferred to a Psychiatric hospital 7 additional days while they evaluated him and got him on some Psych drugs. He was supposed to follow up with counseling, but so far has not done so. This is when my sister moved into the MIL side of their house.

Of course the whole time he was inpatient my sister and her girls were there trying to pick up the pieces. Clean up the mess he made, and trying to get him and his mental health care sorted, however never once went to see him inpatient. Whether to punish him or bury her head in the sand, she was truly and completely over rot with stress and shame and mental anguish. It was this that finally got her to share all of the ugly details to our other 2 sisters, as up until this time, I had been trying to keep it a secret, her too embarrassed to let them know the entire truth of the shambles that is her marriage.

I have been supportive in every way I can be, it is hard to beat a man down when he is going through life's difficulties, but for the most part he does know what he has done and is doing to my sister and their family. For some reason my husband and I have always tried to be supportive of him, steering him to the right path, if only to help my sister in all of this, and I mean years of counseling him to do the right thing to no avail.

He could have such a cushy life, he had a great job with great benefits, CONT..

Cont...

3 more years to full retirement at age 63, and he knew all this, but couldn't fly right for a few more years, such a shame.

Part of me feels like he was so jealous of my husband and I both retired and setting up our lives to live comfortably, which you all know we have been working hard towards doing this for 2 years now since my FIL (who we cared for) passed away, and he's been jealous of my sister not working, who is on SS disability with a bad back, however she does look after their 16 month old granddaughter in their home which is a lot of hard work! He always feels that everybody else has it better than him, but he won't do anything to change things.

My BIL stopped caring about everything around their home about 7 years ago, the house, yard and gardens used to be his pride and joy, now left unkept and in disarray, all part and parcel of his deep depression and drug abuse.

How things got to this level is so mind boggling. What used to be a proud loving man who would do anything for his wife and children is now but a shell of himself, and it's hard to know exactly how to guide either of them. I want her out, 15+ years is too long and I can't imagine him ever changing enough to satisfy my sister, plus she no longer wants or even loves him in a marital kind of way.

There is no easy solution, but I do thank you all for your kind words, suggestions and support. I will encourage her to seek counseling, and of course I will be here for my sister at every turn. It is hard to continue to be supportive to my BIL who only ever lies to my face that he Will do this or that but never follows through on anything. When he does do something like he cleaned up their yard one day recently, and he acted like a child who only did it for the accolades I would give him, not that he had neglected his responsibilities for years and years, it's sick, typical Narc, but pat him on the head I did, anything to keep him doing the right thing!

Anyhoo, thanks for listening to me rambling on! I know what I need to do for now, encourage her to get counseling!, and pray the other show won't drop any time soon!

Send,

Thank You. You are so kind. When I detached and only communicated by phone years ago, now I can see I should have walked away completely.

There is no way I will re enter the madness. Now to detach my mind from the dread of the phone call from her husband about what she’s threatening, what she’s attempted or what she’s committed, I am struggling with that. The smart thing I guess would go no contact with him. I don’t know that would help. Trying to figure that all out.

Stacey,

I think you are continuing your post. I will check back later on you.

Stacey, it must be very difficult and painful for your sis and the rest of your family to see this going on. It is very heartbreaking. I sure hope he goes in for counseling and it may be beneficial for your sis as well.

Im so sorry your family is going through this. It is good you are close by to support your sister. (((Hugs)))!!

Lizzy, I am so sorry to hear about your sister and her dilemma, dealing with others mental illness and drug abuse is so difficult! It sounds like you have put up those important boundaries which is very hard to do sometimes!

I am so glad that the kids in this car weren't seriously hurt! Hopefully this will set off a chain reaction that will lead her to the help she needs in her life.

Tough love, it's very hard when it is family, especially when there are children involved. Hugs to you and I hope you are able to go on your vacation and put this in your rear view mirror for a while. Hugs!

My nieces 1 yr anniversary is coming up soon. My sis is going to spend it in Kentucky with her youngest daughter.

Thank you Send, Becky and Sharyn and everyone for your support! I know that everybody has their share of family strife, and mine is home different. We can only do what we can to support those who we love, and the rest is in God's hands. I will pray for all of you who are dealing with lifes struggles.

Just when you think the troubles of caring for your elders and dealing with the aftermath and grief are finally behind you, there is always another of life's lesson put before you to sort through, especially when you come from a big family such as mine. I am thankful that my husband and I have gotten ourselves well and set up following many years of caring for his Dad in our home. At least now we are in a position to help my sister through this and get her on her feet. I hate that it might force us to put up boundaries towards my BIL, as he has been in our lives for 35 years and is the Father of my 2 nieces. Somehow we will find the right formula to help them both build a life separate but on good terms hopefully, but my allegiance is to my sister's wellbeing first and foremost. It is time that she lives a relaxed and stress free life for a change. I hope we can pull this of for her sake, I can see how this has aged her and put her life in peril for far too long.

God bless you all!

So, today is my sixth day of taking my medications on the schedule I devised, and cleared with my pharmacist. It’s a sad world when our doctors don’t assist with medication instructions. But, six days in, my meds on a schedule, instead of taking three of them as needed. Since the liver meds interact with everything, taking anything on demand isn’t working, as if I take on demand, the meds are inactivated by the liver meds, up to four hours post liver meds. Six days of no diarrhea! You guys can’t know how horrible quality of life is when you can’t get from the sofa to the hall toilet without soiling with explosive diarrhea. This disease is ugly! I am probably being premature, but by taking the as needed meds on a schedule, whether I have diarrhea has been a lifesaver! I can’t believe how much less the discomfort is. And I might be able to actually leave the house on my own terms, not just when it’s not as bad as other times!
I am truly angry about the horrible mess our medical system is in. And, the people from the UK are finding shortages of the liver medication. 3-4 different companies, every single manufacturer of this medication, are all claiming production delays and shortages. It is an excuse for them to all raise their prices together, as the UK is presently putting their national healthcare drug formulary out to bid. It’s only a matter of time the manufacturers create the same artificial drug shortage here in the US, to raise the prices exponentially.

Stacey,

We have more things in common not just a parent that had PSP. Unfortunately they are bad things.

Your story and the series of events parallel mine in an strange way. Your BIL sounds a lot like my sister. Is it the addictions or the mental health issues. I don’t know.

I was in your position 4 yrs ago. Counseling, helping, finding resources, try to push in the right direction.

Its hard. It’s hearbreaking. It’s exhausting. Being lied to and manipulated by someone you are trying to help is maddening.

I hope you are able to help your sister without it taking too much of a toll on you.

I agree. We are done with our Caregiving journey and we think it’s gotta be smooth sailing for a while. Then it’s not.

Take care. I’ll be thinking about you and your sister.

Wow to everyone struggling, I think my situation seems somewhat normal. Hugs and prayers to you all. I feel kind of silly posting, but I need to vent somewhere. I think even my friends are tired of this situation. Heaven knows I am, but I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I think the relationship or whatever it is with my mom has come to an end. She's done nothing about complain about her hands and shoulders, crying last week. She'd seen and we'd discussed her going to a local chiropractic and pain center, butt he always put it off a bit. Something always took precedence. So I told her last week, I'd emailed them, but had no response. I was going to call on Friday, which I did. The offices were closed. I said I'd call on Tuesday, which I did this morning. I spoke with someone in the office who walked me through completely what they did - loads of tests and consult with the doctor, then he'd review and we'd go back the next day (another day I'd have to take as vacation but whatever). So I set up two appointments, and left message for mom. No response. I made the mistake of calling her. She was IRATE at me. How dare I do that! I set up appointments for her but can't get myself to a dentist! (What that has to do with anything, I do not know). The utter gall of me to do that! This is from the same person who cried and said no one helps her out, no one finds out about her hands. She said again, that I never looked it up online. I have and there is no magic pill, no magic lotion or potion that will fix it. I just said I'll cancel everything, but do not tell me again about your hands. I then added, I think you want to just have a pity party, and I wasn't going to be part of it. She kept saying 'your day is coming' and I didn't know how to talk to a mother. Probably correct in that moment, but she will tell me how her other friends' children or DIL or whatever take them to the doctor or hospital. How wonderful they are. She then said I'll give you the answer you gave me years ago (about moving in with me - NO). I said fine, it doesn't impact me one bit. It impacts you but you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. She then said don't bother coming this weekend. Again, doesn't impact me. I'm fine with not going. She then hung up on me after calling me back to yell at me. She's sent away for magic water, cures, etc., which she then stashes away because it's not an instant cure. She said the chiro only tells you about the success stories, what about the ones that don't work? I said no doctor will say yes, I can cure you. You go in for cancer, no doctor will say I can cure you. 'Oh that's BS.' No that's the truth. It's never a given. Then she said I say about my knees being bad. Yes, and I went to an orthopedic doctor years ago, when the one was so bad I could hardly walk. I got treatment, and he said I have arthritis in both knees. I have to watch it. If it flares up again, I will go back to him. Whatever I say or do is wrong. I think it may be best to go no contact. That there is no magic cure, I'm sure it's because I didn't look hard enough, do enough, am just lazy, or it's just all my fault due to the work she did for me (packing for me when I moved). Yes, that caused problems with her hands, packing boxes.
I just think she wants to move in with me or have me move in with her. I'm not quitting my job at this point; she thinks I can get something else I guess. "Others get jobs here". Yes, let me lose 30 years service, take a low paying job, if I could get one being 60 plus. Her home town is everything and I mean everything to her, so she'd be miserable here. Which would make me miserable; guess maybe that is her end goal? If she's miserable, then I have no right to be happy or just content? Or she just needs attention 24/7. Either way, I cannot handle it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm exasperated, and I don't know what to do.

Sissisu - Your situation sounds very stressful and your mother sounds like a miserable person. So, vent as much as you want here.
You said at the end that you didn't know what to do. But you do know what to do and what not to do, and you said those things yourself.

You won't move her in with you or you with her.
You won't quit your job.

And your words:
"I think the relationship or whatever it is with my mom has come to an end."
" I think it may be best to go no contact."

I agree with you. At least, don't contact her for a while to give yourself some peace. If she needs you, she can contact you.

Sissu, if you ever end up in tact with your mom again, please get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. She badly needs meds for depression.

I got a call this morning from Shady Sister’s landline. As it was ringing I was wondering? Is this my 9 yr old nephew? Does he need help? Is this my BIL? It was her.

I did not expect it to be her. She always calls from her cell.

Anyway...she was whimpering and sniffling, nothing new there.

Short conversation. She said CPS would be coming to their home today. She said she got two tickets one for failure to control speed and one for kid or kids with seatbelt/seatbelts. She said she would be most likely get a DWI. I asked only DWI or DWI with Child Endangerment. She said she did not know.

She went on to apologize for disappointing and embarrassing me yet again. I stated that only I could embarrass me. I stated she has never had ability to disappoint me. I stated the wake of destruction she leaves is her own responsibility and the time had long passed that I was able to help her in any way.

She said her life was fixing to change drastically one way or the other.

Silence on her part and mine.

She then asked if I would take her calls. I told her no. I reminded her of our conversation 4 yrs ago that if she didn’t get her life together I was done.

Shoulda stopped there but I didn’t.

I told her that I had paid my dues to our family and I have nothing left to give.

She said okay and that was the end of the conversation.

I decided right then not to answer her or or husbands calls. Or any calls from their land line or cell phones.

Im sure if there is a tragedy I’ll have a voicemail or text to deal with.

I was calm. Tried not to say anything to push her over the edge if that is where she is. An outsider truly never knows but I truly doubt that’s where she is.

Oh ugh, the usual horrible internist issues. Her staff can’t even phone in a prescription to pharmacy correctly. Pharmacist agreed to send over request for 90 days script for the correct blood pressure medicine for me. They are playing the 30-day script game. Between us two, that’s ten maintenance scripts each, so if they will only give 30 days worth of maintenance scripts, not controlled substances, not quantity limitations imposed by our drug plan, I would have to drive to the pharmacy 20 times per month. Refusing to play that game. And every single time the doc does this, I get a phone call from our drug plan to advise me they expect me to get 90-day scripts for maintenance meds. I’m sure they get billed a charge for each pharmacist ‘fill’, so are insisting on 90 days supply. I keep telling them it’s the idiot doctor, that I am requesting 90 days at a time. They call me every single time. And CVS pharmacists are too lazy to call the doc to clarify the drug change, when I’ve taken the same one for several years. They just filled it, no questions asked. So instead of generic Benicar with the diuretic, the doctor’s staff just calls in generic Benicar. Wrong drug.
The pain management doctor I was referred to May 2nd, declined me May 3rd, faxed my doctor he doesn’t treat chronic arthritis joint damage pain. The idiot employee at my internist suggested his partner. Well, duh, he won’t take me either. It’s my internist’s responsibility to give me adequate pain relief, and I’ve not received any pain relief if 28 days. I have three more weeks til I have appointment with new internist. Sure hope I can get through this headache every single prescription refill, for the next three weeks.
I'm just exhausted, constantly dealing with this horrible internist.
So, finally today I was well enough to leave the house to get badly needed groceries. The workforce here is not the best, just like Southern public schools turning out poor quality. Today was the 10th time I was using a battery operated mobility scooter in the local Publix, that the cart failed, battery dead. Stuck in the middle of the store for the 10th time in a single year. The carts can show full charge, and as soon as you ride down a couple aisles, they can drop to zero charge, no warning. As a mobility disabled person using oxygen, this is a really tough situation. I’ve made the managers aware every time I broke down, I’ve contacted corporate, been called back by regional manager, who assures me carts and batteries are ordered. But they never get new carts or batteries in. We don’t have many grocery options here. I’ve tried Shipt, and their shoppers do as little as possible, bring you spoiled vegetables, make crazy substitutions, won’t get rain checks for sale items. I’ve always tipped generously, but when they don’t bring several items on the list, makes it hard to justify paying for what little they do. Looks like I may have to just start ordering from the Walmart grocery service, and pick up at the curb. Don’t want to shop there, but Publix can’t be trusted to have a working cart. Ever. These people just don’t care. When I use gas and drag my sick body to their store, it’s disheartening, when I face barrier to shopping, have to turn around and go back home, for their lack of charging their carts. It’s their employees doing it. We disabled people aren’t backing in rows of motorized carts to the wall, leaving them unplugged, then crawling across several of them to leave through the exit. It’s their employees not doing the job.
So, I didn’t get many items on my grocery list, when I transferred my groceries to a different cart, part way through my shopping trip. I was exhausted from climbing over the dead carts, then my portable oxygen ran low for the extra half hour it took, waiting for an employee to bring a cart with a charge. Til I put groceries away, fed pets, cooked and cleaned up dinner, I simply couldn’t move any more.
So, it was a rough afternoon.

Snow pack 400% of normal. Drought gone for first time in years! What if snow pack melt is not "well behaved" as it usually is. "Well behaved" I had to laugh, is this a technical term used by all those scientific meteorologist types and flood monitoring people?

Still some snow storms in mountains. Forecast high for Monday here is 90 degrees. Sounds like snow pack might melt at a faster than "well behaved" rate this year. Just had to laugh at this scientific term and measure.😉🏂

Glad, maybe that bad, bad snow pack should stand in the corner for a while or write a thousand times on the blackboard, I am a bad snow pack.

stacey - for me it would be better to concentrate on the now and making that better I'd let go of the idea and talk of divorce which is obviously a hot potato (divorce can happen down the road at any time when necessary or best suited) and so what will make your sis's life better now which is counselling. and possibly a review of her antidepressants. She is stuck in a rut. What is important is that her QOL improve and a divorce will not necessarily bring that about. If he does commit suicide while she is in her present mind set she will blame herself for it for the rest of her life She needs help to get into a better frame of mind to deal with her problems. my 2 cents anyway. Glad the other sisters know now. I think the suicide card is attention getting too but that doesn't mean he won't do it, especially with substance abuse. Sis needs to separate her money from his so shen is not propping him up. His paranoia goes along with the addictions. I have no doubt you and your hub did everything you could. What a difficult time He is making some very bad choices.

sissi - your mum treats you badly. You can decide to go low of no contact without any explanations to her. She will only twist them against you anyway. Let her call go to voice mail. Eventually she will realise she cannot force communication with you. Mother was like that about birthdays too - typical narcissist. Mother thought she was very special too. I would take her at her word -she doesn't care about next weekend then you can make other plans, Mothers illness had to be special too and she was always sicker than anyone else. Have you ever gone on line and read about daughters of narcissistic mothers? You may find it an eye opener. Whatever you do you will never please her -she wants to complain.

duck - Nice you had the birthday party for your mum. Glad Aunt Jean came.Sinus pain can be awful. Hope you hear from APS soon.

glad - I know you went through a lot with J. Alanon isn't for everyone. Good point about enabling. Such a lot of snow. Fast melting can cause real problems.

tg - so much stepping and and fixing things for your dad. You can live your live the way you want to. You don't have to live it to please others. It's your choice.

send - good words There sure is need for a better balance of whose needs are met when.

lizzywho - thx wow what a bunch of dysfunction. Yikes!!! You are wise to keep strong boundaries and to get to a therapist of you need one,. I'ts a pretty sickening situation. I;, glad you have that friend close by.

time for a new post I think

gckgck - welcome Absolutely it is OK to vent here. I am so sorry you lost your dog. Many people think moving failing parents into their home is a good thing and then find out afterwards it wasn't. Adding addictions in makes it virtually impossible. It sounds like your parents are not safe in your house because of their behaviour. I would agree with them leaving -even back to their apartment as they will soon find out they cannot manage and then you will have more leverage to get them into assisted living. All of this mixed in with your bros drama is very stressful for you. Talk to your local agency for aging for ideas how to get them out of your house into a suitable place. You and your husband deserve to get your peaceful life back. Good luck

lizzy - I hope you get some peace of mind. Detaching is the only thing that works for me. I think the mental health issues and the addictions are linked - just my opinion. I also think you handled that phone call from your sis very well. "I reminded her of our conversation 4 yrs ago that if she didn’t get her life together I was done." Way to go!!! You drew a boundary and are sticking to it. To me that is the most helpful thing you can do for your sis. If there is a tragedy, you will hear about it someway.

sharyn - ((((hugs)))) this is a hard date for you and your family

stacey - yes we never seem to get a break for long do we? Do enjoy your new home and your retirement too.

sissi - again your mum does not want solutions she wants attention - that is what a narcissist craves. If you stop giving it to her she will find someone else and your life will be easier. You don't know what to do? I think you do -as someone else said - you maintain a separate residence and a separate life. You go low or no contact. You stop engaging in these toxic discussions. You keep your job. And you start putting the energy that you are putting into this toxic relationship with your mother into some friendships, hobbies, other activities that are good for you. You need some peace.

polarbear -totally agree Well said!

barb - with all due respect, "getting" a narcissist to a geriatric psychiatrist is not an easy task and not one I would recommend that sissi even try at present. Yes, mum needs treatment, badly. Also sissi needs a break as or more badly. I was not able to get mother there. It took a couple of doctors, a case worker and nurse and a community psychiatrist to do it for mother after she became suicidal. For years she would have benefited from treatment but never agreed. I had to distance and detach for self preservation. Sissi can't even get her to a chiropractor! My 2 cents

girlsaylor - lots of meds issues!

glad and gershun - since when are weather phenomena described that way? Are tornadoes winds having tantrums?

Less smoke today thankfully. The fires are still bad and still far away.

Just when I was on a roll watering the lawns the sprinkler bit the dust. Need to go downtown for several things so will make a trip of it. Trouble is, since my niece died, I am sleeping heavily in the daytime starting a little after 12 for a couple of hours. I know I need it but I am groggy for a while afterwards and definitely not ready to drive downtown. Oh well, Canadian T is open late. Just hope the tailors is too.

Take care all

Remember

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people (and yourself)
be authentic (be true to yourself)
take the next step (don't try to control everything)
speak my truth (in love, but speak it)
breathe (give yourself some space, take time out)

We had to add another pill at a different time, and it's thrown off DH's habits. So....I ordered an Amazon Echo, in hopes that Alexa will remind him of what specific pill to take. And a reminder fifteen minutes later ;-) . It'll be good for reminders to stay hydrated. The bonus will be that he can ask Alexa to play his favorite music. Adapt, adjust, keep on going.....

Golden,

I love the Not My Job/My Job.

Perfect.

Hi to all!

Lately my pressure has been up because of sinus pain. sudafed which really helps raises blood pressure as does afrin which gives relief but can only used for 3 days and its not advised to take with other meds which I am on and some on the highest doesage. Its horrendous pain I have found a way to lessen it with the benadryl but its still bad.

Anyways, APS was to come on Friday. I called and left many messages, he called me back and he assured me my mothers case is open and on the board. He states that it will be better if everyone cooperates and he is not getting any answer from her. I told him that she would not cooperate but he could exhaust his options in contact. He says if that is case then he had to speak to his supervisor and was to come by on the next day which was Friday, explaining that if twisted didn't cooperate then it would have to go to court and its a long process. ( I know lets get her done) So he didn't show up and I am guessing that visit was to verify on paper my agreement with their findings.

Meanwhile I see MR. C who did crack job in shed and plumbing. We had a death of one of the elders on the block, Ms. Queenie, she had been in a nursing home. sweet lady, her wake and funeral was Friday. Also an elder I met through my prayer partner and friend passed away on Saturday. I met Sylvia at their home and fell in love with her. She was 93, Queenie was 95. so there was a lot of emotion for me this weekend. Plus the 2nd was Debbie's birthday.

I do tend to go off the tangent but anyway C say me coming and says he had not heard from my nephew about bathroom floor. Says he told my twisted that the beam under bathroom was corroded and he was surprised it was still holding up. He says you touch it and it crumbles. So this had me shook. I asked him to please call nephew and tell him this. He lost the number and I sent it to him. twisted probably never communication the news. Then that night we had this heavy rain fall. Once I witnessed the water coming down the door between shed and kitchen like a water fall put to garbage cans their to catch water.a Dirt and sand was all over the floor on that side of the wall and in front of the door. I was hoping to show this to the APS. but he never came. I dont know what happened.
So my frustration and depression started to slide in. I just pray it holds up until ApS takes over. I have a man comming this week to clean the gutters on roof.

I am sorry to read the tribulations I read in some of the posts and it is uplifting to see how others especially oldtimers step in to help and give perspective.

I just want to say that that is such a beautiful and loving thing to do because one small word and thought can change a life for good. Many words and thoughts have set me on a good path out of being stuck.

So to the those of you who have come aboard keep posting, dont worry about looking stupid or foolish. or all the other things the enemy uses to keep us from progressing.

Keep posting its carthartic, and the people here are wonderful and somewhere in the mist of your posting you will see or hear a theme or thought that will give you the perspective you need to move on.

I have much love for you all.

Rays of love, light, healing and strength to us all!

I think that water coming down spooked my mother because she was on top floor each morning after each down pour. When I am not frustrated or overwhelmed with things, I enjoy my mother and thats something I cant remember happening. Or its like when we did team work. Like cooking and fixing plates or something related to some or other affair she was involved in. Those were the rare time we just got along.

So the lady Ms. Queenie made me a birthday cake one year maybe 20 years ago pineagpple coconut cake from scratch. It bought tears to my eyes because I had not had a birthday cake since my father died and then the year I took the kids to Disney world.

I am really totally confused on what and how my sister and nephew are thinking. The halls are tracked like dirt paths. I know they have not looked in that hall room under the kitchen on top floor. Its been jimmied so you cant open the door so that is more stuff for my mother to bring downfor me to clean and throw out. Today I took a bag fool of the junk my mother had packed in a bag and took it up stairs and dumped it in a container and threw out the bag. I feel like I am slow cleaning up the "sh&&* from her place.

On my way to work we passed each other in the street. I am looking at her and she slowly looks me up and down with such hatred. It was almost funny. but it was sad I chuckled she looked to me like she on the verge of losing it or barely present. I cant explain it. I think that APS has been leaving messages, I dont know if they have to send out mail also before they move on but I can feel the animosity. I did mention that she put parental controls on the shows she thinks I like. Crazy and spiteful. So now I find other interesting shows actually I do remember posting that it led to watch more of my religious shows which really help me every time I watch its like they are addressing my delima my pain.

Leg hip pain real bad today I feel like a really old woman having to stop to turn or move. It comes and goes. Today walking down the steps the knee felt like it did this sharp twist thingie, I froze let tested it and then went on with care. Dang !!! Dang!!! Dang!~!! and then we die! lol..

Maybe I should not joke with that. But one thing I want to add is when I heard about Sylvia I didnt feel sad, I felt she was in a good place. I had a similar but terribly strong feeling with Sham that was like she was flying and happy.

Also I got my package from my son. Two pairs of sketcher shoes. One color like a bronze weave match perfectly with a jean set I had got from a yard sale and never wore. It has like gold fringes two rows on the ends of the sleeves and the pants. I wore that the friday I went to get my mother cake. It felt good I got a lot of compliments. So I was like I need to keep making my self look nice. Its uplifts and then of course nothing beats a SMILE!!!!!!!

If hugs to all here!
Today I called and left voicemail for the medical facility manager my internist is affiliated with. Requested the pain management referral yet again (5 weeks Thursday), and requested correct blood pressure medication prescription be called into my pharmacy, to replace the incorrect prescription. I don’t expect to hear back. At this point I am 15 days out from appointment with new internist. Since I have been abandoned, ignored by the doctor, her manager, her nurse, and the tech, I’ve decided to compile everything into date order, who I spoke with, dates, method of contact, response. It has become apparent I am going to run out of blood pressure and other medications before I can get into new internist, so I will have to ration some of my medications, documenting what I am forced to do to prevent heart attack or stroke.
Once I’ve seen the new internist, if all is good, I will file a formal complaint against current internist with the State Medical Board, for patient abandonment. I have received no notification the doctor will no longer see or treat me, so will be laying low. She won’t know what hit her when I file the complaint against her license.
I doubt I will take legal action, as doubtful it would be cost effective exercise for me. However, I’ve composed and posted three negative physician reviews on her online, thus far. All true, carefully written, concise, so that nothing can be misconstrued or misinterpreted. Less is more in public reviews, so that I don’t get backlash for the reviews. I also left another message on the patient portal. More documentation, creating my own audit trail. Hopefully they will let other people considering her know the truth, and spare others the pain, I’ll health, and emotional distress I have experienced. Stinks, but I so wish somebody had written the truth about this doctor. So sad anybody receives such poor treatment.

Other than that, just cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. Life goes on.

Every single family has their issues that can put them in the category of having a dsyfunctional family. The weight of caregiving is the weight of caregiving. In the best of families.....the challenges are there. it is so important to remember that everyone handles challenges differently. I am a caregiver of my 88 year old mother. I remember early on how every stressful I was and how angry I was that my other siblings did not step up fully. I have one sister who is a trooper but the other three are awful....so I allow them to be awful and I do not give them a single thought. I keep my eyes and mind focused on the prize.... my mother. #circleoflife

Sometimes the dysfunction is toxic and that's much of what we deal with here.

Linda, glad you have found a solution. Hope it continues to work.

lizzy - thx. I thought it said it really well!

duck - sorry about your sinus pain. I know well how bad it can be. Do you have an infection? Hope APS shows up soon. Sounds like your place is in pretty bad shape. Keep working on yourself. Nice outfits help. 😊

girl - lots of problems with your meds. I hope you get someone good for an internist.

circle - here we are talking about abuse - sexual, emotional physical verbal type of abuse which has taken place since childhood - not just the problems of caregiving, though the abuse exacerbates those. While it is true no families are perfect, that does not necessarily put them in the same dysfunctional category as those with mentally ill family members. For myself, my mother was emotionally, and verbally abusive all my life. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and was narcissistic. I still acted as POA financial and medical as she needed someone. It triggered PTSD in me from childhood abuse. If you haven't experienced it you won't understand it and I am happy for you that you did not experience it. Personally, I am glad that my sister was little involved as she has similar problems as our mother had and is abusive to me too,

cmag - yes, absolutely,

Hoping for more rain. Thankfully, the fire hazard has dropped. I am grieving for my niece in a fashion I recognize for other family members. Grief, if it is that, for mother is so different. My CFS/FM is acting up a bit more so I am not accomplishing much day by day - just limping along so to speak. This too will pass. My score on the stress scale is over the top with two family deaths in less that a year. It means the likelihood of getting ill in the next year is high. I have no intention of this happening. I suspect I will be dealing with CFS/FM flare-ups more than usual, whatever that is. Hopefully the melatonin will continue to be useful, though it is no panacea for sure.

I am even less likely to "do" the interment of mother's ashes with my sis after my niece's death. Seeing sis is even more stressful for me now. And the flare-ups make travelling more difficult. I will make arrangements that will work without me there, and we will see.

Take care all. Do something good for you - it helps.

It's sad for me to have come to the conclusion that no family contact is necessary for me. I always held on to hope that it could and should be different.

I haven't been to see my brother in the hospital recently due to my own health issues so I texted my other brother who has taken on (at my request)the main responsibility for this as I could see me getting the job again. Not happening! He gave me an update and I said I'd try to go see him on Sunday. As it turned out I was really not well and could not make it. I stated as much in an E-mail. He didn't even acknowledge it. Ask how I'm doing. Nothing!


I'm just so done with losing sleep over my family. The brother in hospital, yeah. The rest of them can .........you know.

Dh and I watched a documentary last night called "When the Screaming Stops" about a former English band made up of twin brothers who didn't always get along. One of the brothers said "If a friend spoke to me the way my brother does I'd cut them out of my life"

Good documentary. I'd highly recommend it if you get the chance. It's mostly about their family dynamics than the music. I found it very insightful.

Golden, hope you get to feeling better. Yes, stress definitely takes a toll for sure. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid contact with narc sis. Sounds like just being around her is stressful, particularly right now. Take care of you and take it easy.

Gershun, I will have to watch that documentary. It sounds interesting. I know what you mean about the no contact with family. I've learned more about the term "narcissistic mobbing" with my mom's side of the family than I ever wanted to know. It feels lonely at times having gone NC but it is also freeing in the sense of not having to deal with the drama and people that want to put me down and make me feel guilty for pretty much everything, even existing. Life is too short to allow the negativity to steal your peace.

Girlsaylor, I hope your new internist can help. It really stinks that your doctor put you in that position.

Duck, hopefully APS will get on the ball. It is a lengthy process sometimes. The attorney may be able to help too as far as getting a state guardian appointed for your mom. He/she might be able to talk to the APS caseworker.

It was nice of your son to send the shoes. It's very uplifting when we feel good about ourselves, that's for sure. Do something nice for you today :)

It's been busy here, with the baby being home. She got to come home a week after my birthday and a day before my husband's (we both have May birthdays), so it's been a good kind of busy for the most part, aside from the nasty messages from my oldest, which I still have not responded to, and won't. She's off her meds and very manic right now from what she sounds like, in addition to being mixed up and enmeshed with Narc relatives.

Also mom's estate stuff still ongoing, but attorney got the final accounting for the guardianship filed and the guardianship closed out, and just filed the petition for constructive trust in the estate, so we're hoping maybe we can get things wrapped up soon so the house can be sold and creditors and attorney bills paid.

It's been really hot and humid here, after a couple of weeks or so of record flooding. Dang mosquitoes are terrible too. Thankfully, we were not in the flood zone areas, but areas in surrounding towns were flooded pretty badly, and many homes and businesses under water. It is so crazy, we had all the flooding here, and I read in other areas about the fires due to drought. We need a better balance all around.

Hope all have a good day, the sun is out here so maybe will dry things out a little and help get rid of the mosquitoes.

Golden23, thank you for this (needs to be reposted regularly)!

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people (and yourself)
be authentic (be true to yourself)
take the next step (don't try to control everything)
speak my truth (in love, but speak it)
breathe (give yourself some space, take time out)