Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Today, though, I am not working because her daughter, my stepmom, has thrown a fit and won't 'let' me work.
My grandma is blind, on oxygen, and has several other health issues. In the last 2 weeks, however, her mental state has deteriorated significantly. Within the last few days, she is barely able to walk, or keep her head up. She has frequently been found in unsafe positions (like standing up on a couch), and has been talking to people and reaching for things that are not there. I have noticed she sometimes has a hard time finding her mouth to eat or drink, and she has left meals put before her almost untouched. She mumbles incoherently, and has had incontinence to the point where she wets herself numerous times a day. All of this is NOT NORMAL behavior for her.
And yet, my stepmom won't allow me to take her to a doctor, or urgent care, or anything. She says I am being 'neurotic' and that I need to calm down. Keep in mind that my stepmom has dealt with her own health struggles. Many of them. But I believe that because she has her own experiences with medical issues, she somehow thinks she is in a place to say whether or not my grandma needs to see a doctor. Almost like she is diagnosing her. While I have my own ideas about what may be going on with my grandma, I am clear on the fact that NEITHER of us are medical professionals, and I just don't see the harm in taking my grandma in to see someone.
Unfortunately, when I suggest this, I am met with screaming from my stepmom. I don't wanna upset my grandma with our fighting so I've chosen to just leave it alone.
But I don't feel good about it. At all.
There could be something very simple going on with my grandma...and then it could be something serious.
I just need to vent. Part of me feels like this is a situation that could very well involve APS, and I don't wanna go there. (Again.)
I just worry that, even if her symptoms don't worsen, that my grandma could get hurt physically by roaming around an unsafe area of the house, or by climbing up onto to something and falling. How she manages to get up onto things, is anyone's guess.
I feel helpless to be of help to my grandma due to my stepmom's need to control this situation (or whatever it is she is doing) and I fear the worst will happen.
Anybody have any suggestions for how I might deal with this situation please?
Grandma may have a UTI which is treatable. Those behaviors sound like what this may be.
You could try picking up a test kit at the drug store. They are not always accurate, but if it is positive a good reason to get grandma to the doc, if not allowed by step mom, you take her anyway. She needs to see one whenever there is a drastic, sudden change in behavior.
It sounds like you're in a tough spot, but your grandma needs help. Yes, it may be a UTI, which can be treated with a course of antibiotics but if it is a UTI and left untreated, it can get much worse and lead to serious problems - since gma has a history of neuro problems, please do your best to get her help - even if you must call 911 to have her taken to the ER
My question is what do I do about my brother, who wants to appear so popular, that he has not told people he knows that my mother is to only have family visitors? She is taking her clothes off sometimes and would be mortified to know that a practical stranger was seeing her that way. I am from a dysfunctional family and am POA, much to brother's chagrin. In the past, he has called law enforcement on me, told doctors that I was not giving parent medicine, etc. You get the idea.... This is adding to my stress at dealing with the hospital situation.
I've decided to be more absent from AC. It's not like I need to announce it or anything, but I also know what it is to worry (it's what caregivers do! lol) and wonder how someone is doing.
I'm doing FINE... very good, even. I think it's time to move away from daily/weekly AC use and focus on this stage of my life. I'll come back around if something happens... i.e., I'm dreading the day my father dies and I can't think he'll live all that much longer as COPD is progressive and he hasn't stopped smoking...
But short of a crisis, I'm living a different life now, and my attention is focused in other places.
I get a little teary trying to figure out how to say a "see ya later, thank you more than I can say" in a way that honors each of you, in the way I'd like to honor you, so I'll mostly skip it. :-)
Leave a message on my Profile if anyone would like an email address, or a Facebook link. (My Facebook is mostly used for socializing with my circle of often-irreverent music-related friends, but you can always Unfollow and still have a way to stay in touch.)
Gershun, you've summed up DYS thread, and the experience of posters here, pretty well I think with this: "It's sad for me to have come to the conclusion that no family contact is necessary for me. I always held on to hope that it could and should be different."
I think everyone who uses DYS as their primary AC thread/contact feels this way. I know I feel this way. At some point, it doesn't matter why, or who's fault, or any kind of score keeping. You just need to live YOUR life, and survive, and hopefully thrive at times, and when a relationship with family (or anyone) is keeping you from doing that then it's time to cut that contact back to a minimum, or whatever makes sense for your individual situation.
That is it in a nutshell I feel, what everyone here has had to feel, this grieving and/or anger of a loss even while people are still alive, while you want and wish for something different that you're not in control of. You can control your actions and your behavior, and that's it.
Anywho. I'm sure I'll check back in in the next day or two just to further (((((hug))))) it out with you guys....
I feel kind of silly, there's no need to make an announcement, I just realize this is the direction I'm heading in this year. I'm making a big mental break from what I experienced as a caregiver, and heading in a different fun and in-the-moment direction. I think it's a very good step for me, as I get further away from any daily anxiety disorder affecting my life, and I feel more confident than I've felt in years. Who knows what the future brings but for now, AC isn't part of my daily Life. :-)
Cheers!! Love y'all more than I can say. REALLY. Which is why I won't try to say. :-D Take care, you guys.
It's a given that sooner or later, regular posters will slowly dwindle from AC, when the time comes. Your time has come. Go and enjoy your new life - before something comes up and tries to pull you down. Make some new happy memories. Go for it!!! {{{{{ HUGS }}}}
Reasons, seasons. Thank you for sharing and helping.
I can guarantee you that whenever you stop in and Im around I will be glad to "see" you.
Book, the same sentiment, to you. You are one of my icons and your wisdom and goodness came through to me and touched my heart and my life significantly. So those drop ins even in rare I am sure are helping in some way for someone.
I think there is a reason certain ones of you are here, your spirit, experience and pain and goodness come together profoundly in a special way and touch live. I think its a gift from the higher power. This forum was a life line for me. Sometimes it wears on me to read and hear similar pain, sometimes it helps, sometimes its awesome to see the same "magic" that helped me at work. Some times I see myself and most times I know that its hard to move on past things that is obvious untill you can process and understand. I didnt know I was clueless and in denial about my family dysfunction and the ugly within. Or I wondered how a defense mechanism made me blind and how input from her helped me find see truth and it came in a way that I could handle it. It didnt kill me but it broke my heart for a minute and I still heal.
Thank you AgingCare, all of you.
I am tired of second guessing my self and that is possibly a defense mechanism so I wont have to face something or programmed in me for blame and shame and guilt. The main weapons of a narcissist.
Anyways I will be going for the abdominal study the end of the week. Hopefully have this mass removed find out whats going on with the inside. I saw commercial about claritin d extended for the sinus pain. I tried it and it helped. I had to nights free of pain, took that and my reular meds. I will be getting annual pysical through the wtc program soon and from there get referrals about any and everything under the sun. So I will revist the specialist make request and hopeful resolve somethings. Hopefully sinus is not bad enough problem for surgery.
The hip and knee pain, I guess is my knew persona. I believe I have an injured ligament or tendon somewhere in groin are which give me intermittant pain. I mean its hard to turn around in bed or walk sometimes.
Okay so, APS came again Friday. Saturday got letter stating that my mother has a case with them with an option and form to appeal. That wont happen. Mr. G says he had not spoken with twisted, he didnt have number. I called my Aunt (my mothers baby sis who is same age as my sister 2 years younger than me.) for number and gave it to him expressing to please try and contact her so there are no technical difficulties when we go to court. He says the process takes about two months its long, and an expense on the city. That it would be goood if we all cooperated. I am counting on twisted to do her norm and not cooperated. He sat we will get subpoena to court where judge will appoint some outside ageny to be guardian or my mothers care and affairs. My goodness , its needed.
Meanwhile my mother is staying on that top floor. Barely comes down. Today before I left for work I went up to feed her and she was in my sisters room. I called her she didnt answer, I ask twisted if she was in there she didnt answer then I heard my mother say something low. She ignored me a lot yestrday as I fed her it was like it was obvious. I think my twisted is telling her I am trying to put her away. That is the sentiment she fed them and which feeds this whole situation an a sense. I told my sister in a not to nice way that she needs to make sure she eat and maybe call her son to help her bathe her. I told her she was spiteful and her motiveation to do anything for my mother is always based on something against me. Told her this acutally helped me. That as long as my mother was okay I was good. Now I hope she does not use this tactic to very often. I could have called police on her.Refusing to open the door to let me see and feed my mother. I dont want to interfer with karma and God's Work so I pray I dont lose my temper in the mist of her retaliatory schemes.
Other wise I still struggle inside an out with this situation. I stay in prayer. I havent gone into a funk for a good minute now.
Rays of light and love and blessings, on us all.
My legs and head ache, which is not that unusual. Would they if...?
As I said - unanswerable questions. Another day to get through and hope to do a little something productive.
I think the winter was too hard on my Engleman's Ivy on the trellis edging the northeast side of the front deck. I have just given it another liberal watering hoping it will bring signs of life. (I don't give up easily.) If not another choore is added to my list - that of pulling down the dead vine and disposing of it. One of the three new roses survived the winter and it is looking healthy.
We have sun today and no smoke from the fires which are abating. There is much to be thankful for.
Everything will be going along ok and then I'll think of something Mother said or did or I'll come across a note or see a project she had meant to finish or a million other things and it will blow me away for the rest of that day and it's hard to accomplish anything....
I'm really sorry youv''e had a hard day.Get some good rest tonight ~
Many {{{hugs}}}
Sometimes I still get this sense of anticipation and then I remember and get this letdown kind of feeling right afterward. It's like reality comes crashing down.
I hope your tomorrow is better Golden.
I get tired of his comments. It is hard when it is my house and I cannot just leave. He thinks he is being funny, nope... still not funny.
so, if I don’t get the referrals from the current internist, I have a new one to approach next week.
so much pain, having so much difficulty even cleaning house and caring for my sick husband.
wish me luck!
I sure am sorry you are having one of those days.
This is I guess how people who come from dysfunction must feel the grief?
Anyway, I do understand, as I've had these kinds of thoughts about my dysfunction also. Well I certainly hope all of this gets better, but do know you have the support from many of us here on the thread.
Huge Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
WOW.....you sure sound like a total other person compared to some years ago.
I congratulate you on your moving on and growth. It's good to realize when one has outgrown something. While we do often think about the people we're going to miss, your participation, etc. it is a good thing to evolve.
I wish you the best and yes, we do need to live our lives.
Much Love & Life & Light!
Margeaux
Rays of love and warmth to your heart. A nice long soak in warm bubble bath is in order. (Maybe add a little epsom salt). Maybe some lit candles. May help the aches also.
Girl, So sorry to hear about your pain and trouble finding a doctor.
Happy Father's Day to all. I hope you all had a wonderful day. Since I work nights my thought on this being Father's Day hit me on train ride. The tears tried to come but I had to nip it in the bud. Sat nite I had planned to listen to his favorite songs and reminisce like i do every year and think of some good memories. He was a good man. I miss him so much, always have and always will. The dysfunction flew off the handle when he died. I don't know why he did not instill the same things in my sister. He would tell me "you work make sure you bring something to the house" suff like that. I dont think he said those kind of things to my twister.
Sometimes I just cant fathom my sisters hatred and jealousy or whatever it is that motivates this situation we are in. I often wondered if she or my mother knew exactly what they were doing. Purposefully trying to hurt and dismantle me in one way or another.
I had the texting fight with my nephew again. I had really tried to go no contact but an event happend. I wont go into the details but I took pictures and sent them trying to show my mother needs more care and the safety issues in the house. All I got was blame, blame blame. The only times she wandered off were on my watch. I went away to SK for 30! days without a care in the world!She didnt go wandering the 30 days I was gone! And he started out with "everybody knows" the real deal. I really dont care for my mother. So its the same old thing in circles. Its useless. Meanwhile nothing has been done about the bean crumbling under bathroom and the broken floor around toilet. I had someone come clean gutters on roof and it lookes like that was the problem, amazing how water can pour in do amazing damage.
The scarrs my mother and sister's narcissism are deep. I see how am always second guessing my self and tip toeing around others feelings which in the wrong people is like asking for disrespect or humiliation. I am too sensitive. Worried I have stepped on a toe and then angry at the gaul to mistreat me.
I have to get over the hurt and disapointment from my nephew. When my son went away to college. I focused a lot of love and concern to help him. He used to drop me off to work at 6am on way to academy. He would pick up a friend who lived with his mother and elderly woman. And boy! she would walk him to the car give him his lunch and iron his uniforms. So I told nephew if he wanted I could help him out with ironing. I mean I know how stressful it is and was for me starting a new profession. I didnt have any support my mother was the head of the family and it seemed to me she was doing every thing to hinder me. So anyway I willl never understand the motive behind such treatment but I do know I spent my whole life trying to proves to her that I loved her and here this same theme comes up between my sister and nephew. I pray for justice through the APS Case. I had to refrain from returning a text in answer to the accusations. Also that I leave the blinds open! not safe! The neglect is obvious. I try and its overwhelming. The good thing is that she is settling in her dementia. Today before I left I had to follow her all over the house to feed her. Then sometime she goes and wash her hands and sit down either at table or on the bed and its so easy that way.
Well she is back downstairs. I Found her yesterday finally laying in bed, I know her legs felt much better. I put a blanket over her and tipped around so she wouldnt feel motivated to get up keeping those legs elevated.
Had abdominal studies. Now have to see surgeon and get this surgery thing going. I am curious to know the results because of issues.
Much love for you all.
Day started off OK, in the AM dad came down to go to church. I said happy fathers day... he said thanks..... funny, I am a dad too but nothing back..... oh well, that is the way he is, all about him.
My daughter and son in law stopped over in the afternoon, we had a nice visit with them. Of course he sits down in the middle and take over a conversation I was having with the SIL. Starts telling a story and name dropping.
So later I went shipping for food. Bought 2 lobsters and one steak. Lobster for him and my wife and steak for me. Made a very nice meal, sat down and not a word. Not "hey lobster, or thank you or this is nice".... nope, nothing. So instead of getting mad I left my plate and went to bed. Not a pleasant sight when I went to my room, a lot of saying what I wanted to to the wall.
My wife did tell him why I was upset when he asked, He didn't say anything. Then he said "he was too busy eating to say anything", really? Too busy eating to say nice meal?.......He did come up later and asked if I was OK, told him I had a migraine.... Doesn't matter, he wont get it. He came down to my office this AM and said it was a very good meal, he didn't expect it.... I do not look for or need compliments but one would expect someone to say thank you for cooking for them or something to that affect. So narcissistic. Funny, it was my fathers day too...... I guess I have to talk to someone before I pop one of these days. The stress is unnerving. Getting tired of having no privacy and catering to others. I guess time to be a negative person.
Today is another day...... will start doing less for everyone else and more for me. Caregivers have to take care of themselves or there will be noone to take care of the one who need it I guess.
Today is another day...... will start doing less for everyone else and more for me. Caregivers have to take care of themselves..."
TGengine , I'll hold you to your words. Let us know when you do something to improve your situation so we can cheer you on.
Tomorrow is my first appointment with new internist. I need to make a list of the various good specialists, names gotten from a nurse friend, who knows who is good, who I should see. We shall see.
I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with the new doc by discussing the current internist shortcomings, referrals not made, none of it. I need to make the visit all about me, not the horrible current internist. I can certainly give my new internist the names of my current gastro and pulmy. What I need to accomplish tomorrow is getting the ball rolling on orthopedic assessment of the failing joints, pain management.
So, how do I handle current lousy Doctor? Do I just give name of former FL internist, since I moved here a year ago? Do I have to even give the new doc the name of the lousy current internist? I don’t want to come off as withholding information, nor drug seeking, just for pain meds. How do I do it and convince her I am responsible, compliant with meds? Ideas?
To ease your mind a bit....
When going to a new internist, the apoointment time may be only 15 min., 30 min., or almost an hour if a complete physical is scheduled. There will be no time at all to discuss your previous internist. So you are correct, just leave it out.
But always be honest about your medical history, in a brief synopsis.
Sometimes, the doc. doesn't even send for your medical records. This may be because a system network already has your history on the computer. Allow your doctor to ask you the questions he/she needs answered.
They will ask you for a list of current medications prescribed.
Unless there is time for a complete medication review, the doctor should respect the meds you are already on, and refill them accordingly. Or, as the need for refills come up. Allow for more visits so the doctor can get to know you.
Prioritize your needs, not everything can be addressed in the one visit. If you are seeking mostly a referral, then lead with that. Say you need an internist to coordinate your care (means: t h e specialists need a doc to report their findings to.).
Doctors try to fulfill their obligations to your care by standardized treatment protocols already in place. I do not see them eager to make referrals to specialists
these days. Your experience may be different.
Best of luck on your search for the proper care! You count too!
So today I saw the new internist. It’s a good 45 minutes drive, due to so many intersections to get to a state route. Made it on time, half hour before my appointment time.
The new doctor was everything the reviewers were saying. Competent, took enough medical history to hit the high points, make sure all current meds are accounted for in her records. I pulled up my last lab results on my IPad, so, she could see the latest. She asked if I had been rechecked for the blood in the urine. Told her my labs six months ago indicated blood in the urine then as well. So, did the deed, to recheck. She told me she was handling it, no worries on those things being ignored from now on. What a relief. Got a referral and appointment with an Orthopod, second week in July, to assess with whatever imaging he determines appropriate. He does hips, knees, but not spine. It’s a start. New doc didn’t want to refer for pain management, wants to wait to see who the ortho works with for that. Seems to be the horse before the cart, finally. We didn’t really discuss the prior internist, other than status on some of the other medical problems, what had/hadn’t been done. So it wasn’t hard to take the high road on that. I showed her the bloodwork, so she knows the doc’s name. Not even requesting records from her, as I take notes on all immunizations, when received, screenings and dates. So it seems a good fit, finally. I’m looking into where I can get labs done close by, don’t want to drive that far for just labs, fasting, given my gut issues. She said I was tense, felt my neck, glands. My response, it’s the pain I live with. Your muscles would be tense too if you lived with failing joints. Lol.
Finally, a good internist found!
I can relate with the pain issues becuase I get spasms, in legs and knees and the hip pain is crazy. I dont have insurance and I sometimes worry about how much longer I can work because even those the issue goes away its bad when it returns. Its hard for me to just turn on the other side in bed. I try using a pillow, sometimes that helps between my knees and sometimes its just these painful spasms. I am taking supplements and I think sometimes too much potassium might be the cause and I also take the magnesium with calcium and D3. Maybe its off balance. Not to mention this dang on sinus pain. Its horrendous if it catches me. I take everything now to ward it off. My pressure is up which is why I am taking the potassium. My bp scripts are out and my next apt for wtc is the 11th so I am stretching things out. I have enough of one of my pressure meds but the doctor messed up on the script for second bp med. and she is not supposed to write those scripts anyway but I may call and ask for refill before my visit.
Meanwhile I go back and forth with the saddness. Going to prayer more and more often is my relief. Everyday I see my mother it sometimes depresses me, knowing what I am in for, that she is going to get worse, the condition of the house, my own issues, pain, lonliness, my work longevity. Sometimes I have to stand in one place a pivot my body to change direction then other days I can run up the stairs. Having no one who is significant to confide in or a shoulder to cry on makes it worse. Then too I dont want to burden anyone. This issue is something that is a day to day thing that I live. Its real and it hurts in every way possible. It hurts when my mother doesnt want to eat. It hurts to see the hallway dirt build up. It hurts me to stand my ground and not feel responsible. I get bitter and resentful and these things are not good for my spirit or my health.
So thanks, thanks, to everyone, for sharing their pain and issue, sometimes it brings me back to earth that this is life. I have to accept it.
I just want to say thanks to this entire forum just for being. Its cathartic and helpful to post, to write down and express my heart. Its also great to see so many people, wonderful folk, who have been through Sh#4t and lived through it and survived and have enough love and spirit to come on board and share and help others through the same. For the tolerance of the repeated pouring out of pain and the quest to get unstuck and move on. I am still stuck in this drama in so many ways. I breathe it. I dread it sometimes. But I come on here, and I see goodness and honesty and I see my self and I see I am not alone in my struggle and I see the light that comes out of the interaction and it helps me to see my self and situation a little differently and it helps to see my growth.
I wish rays of love and light to everyone. And Smiles.
Just thanks and ((((HUGS)))) to you all.
I miss hearing the garden stories. And the renovation updates.
Anyways take care all. :) :) :)