The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Soil prepped and graded, sprinkler system in, sod on Tuesday!

((((((trying))))) aaargh!!!! controlling sibs. You knew the day would come when your parents decline required a change of situation. And you knew your sis would not be reasonable or collaborative. Look after you. There coukd be storms ahead.

This is a quick drive by. I am in the south, returning today with - probably - a couple of wild kitties. Should be fun. Any tips on taming wild ones?

Here's a laugh. Grandson Joel expressed two concerns to his mother about my return. One was would I allow food in his bedroom. The answer to that is yes as long a dishes are returned to the kitchen daily and the bedroom doesn't get in a condition that breeds bugs (Dd's responsibility.) The second one, which is making me laugh, is how would I take his swearing while he is playing his X box games in his bedroom. I said as long as it didn't disturb the peace of the house he can swear in his room all he likes. Poor kid needs some way of letting off steam considering the tension there has been in there home. Essentially sil (his dad) has to play a stronger disciplinary role with his daughter who is being very disruptive. He now has time to practice this without dd (his wife) and dgs around. Their household is not a swearing household - never heard dd or sil swear. I probably swear more than they do and that's not much, But I do understand the feeling of release a good swear gives you. So be it.

See who blushes first, Golden! - him or you.

New kitties, Golden? How exciting. M a bye it should be grandpa's job to take them.😢

Are they actually feral cats or just youngsters?

Well - youngsters - about 6 weeks old with little though not no human contact and are hard to catch. They were born in a goat barn. There were two cats (mother and daughter) who gave birth at the same time (9 kittens in all), The mother is very friendly and visits with everyone, The daughter is not. I think we can make pets of them. Dd is very good with animals or I might not be taking them.

My grandmother had a semi wild cat that no one could get near except her and the cat would routinely have her kittens under grandmother's back porch. We grandkids delighted in lying in wait and catching and socializing the kittens, of course they all found homes with us!

Geez, spell check messed thAt one up!

Job for grandson to help with those new kitties.

You would think my Ming was semi-wild. When anyone is here she runs for cover.

Been a trying few days. Attempting to have a better relationship with dad but not working. His sister emailed me last week saying she was coming for a visit (may or may not), assuming (bad idea) she was talking to him as he says they talk all the time. I took it as I’m on notice. OK, so this weekend she says she is coming, again I figured he knew. A day goes by and I ask "so when were you going to tell me?" apparently she did not say anything to him. OK, we get that out. He goes to church a few minutes later and 20 minutes later I get a text from my daughter why I didn’t tell her? Apparently my dad’s girlfriend went and right away told my daughter. Again he tells the village. So when he got home I said "maybe you want to talk to your granddaughter before you tell the whole village about plans going on in our house, (his girlfriend is persona no grata in my house, very long story).
 
So later on, its 6 pm, I haven’t made dinner yet, wasn't real hungry. He says he’s going out for a sandwich. OK, whatever, we made leftovers. Anyway, he’s on the phone with my sister telling her, "he got in trouble over his sister issues, I didn't tell him last week about it, we didn't make dinner so he had to go out for spaghetti, He is just like me (meaning I am just like him)".... it went on and on, threw me right under the bus with my sister. So this is why I am the black sheep in the family and no one calls me because I treat him so bad...... yeah, roof over his head, money when he needs it, a car to drive..... Life in my house is so terrible, if it is that bad and I am such a bad guy why does everyone come to me for help?

Tired of benig teh nice guy and let people do and say what ever. Need a break......

Oh TG, yes you do need a break.

Mmm. Any plans..? Nope, didn't think so.

So: your aunt is planning to come to see your Dad? Is this faint pencil or indelible ink? Or not yet known?

I hope she at least had the courtesy to ask you, rather than tell you. ? This is your house she's proposing to land on.

What's Daughter's beef? What difference does it make to her what order people get the news in? You didn't tell her because it hasn't been confirmed. She can get shirty about the annoying communication issues if she likes, but not with you.

Then, Dad's conversation with your sister. What part of it do you suppose your sister took as Gospel? Do you, honestly now, imagine your sister doesn't yet know better?

This is ALL, still, about communication between you and father. You're not talking to each other, and that is leeching out into not communicating smoothly and efficiently with other people.

Plus, he has the mentality of a 12 year old. Not telling you things so you can't say no. Seeing the girlfriend, teeheehee, that you don't approve of. Complaining behind your back. Next he'll be saying "UGH! You're so UNFAIR!"

Well if you're not used to that by now you never will be. Go round. And stop imagining that ANYBODY thinks that you are the villain of this particular piece. They know what you're dealing with, they're not blind.

Hello all,

Welp, I’ve only posted once before, I suppose out of desperation, and the answers were helpful thank you. I’ve been reading and reading, this blog for the past 5yrs, trying to figure out what is REALLY wrong with my mom. I am 54yrs old, I live in the US, my husband and I are the blessed parents of one child, she is 20 now, and wouldn’t you know she got accepted to a college in Switzerland!! This was two years ago and she is still there to finish. So I’m 54, my hub has diabetes but we are happy and doing are best, my mom lives 500mi away, she is widowed 76yrs old and has had MS for 40yrs now, I’ve been driving back and forth to her ever since my daughter was born, I hate that drive, as for the past 10yrs I’ve been trying to get my mom set up in a AL, she never would or even try, my parents divorced when I was 11 and by the time I was 17 I was out of the house, my mom kicked me out, thank god my dad loved me he saved my life, past 15 yrs or so my mom told me once that when she was born she was born blue, dead, my whole life I never knew, there was a family secret my GM would never tell me or even my 9 cousins, GM was the the best grandmother ever. Lived in her house till she was 93, call the ambulance herself went to the local nursing home herself and didn’t even call us till about a day or two later after she was admitted, she passed away 5 month later. Taking the secret with her, I’m sure she would of told me. my mother made her life hell she had a wonderful life GM married to my GP for over 50yrs, even at the end I couldn’t talk to her there was always my mother leaning over her talking to her, cousins around etc, no excuse for me I know but at the time.... I felt that I didn't need to actually say to her I love you she knows I do, we all genuinely love and respect her unconditional love, there IS a difference. My mom dose not understand unconditional love, never did, no fault of her own I’ve forgiven her too. I’ve had her transferred to my town as so I can advocate for her, she fell in her home and was calling 911 every time, got a bill for 1000 for the ambulance from 2017, she was never transferred durning that time until the last call, shame on them!! A year of hell 2018, my daughter just left for college I’m alone advocating for my mom, first rehab, then Al, then to adult family home, they are all telling me she will not get better, I knew that when she arrived at the rehab, I called her docs from where she came from, asking what to do, this isn’t working out, no help from them, she had been black listed in her town anyway by then. Something was off, this whole time I new it, but couldn’t figure it out. Every doc she ever had never told me the truth, finally I couldn’t take it any more, sent her back to her home, lucky she had a friend that would care for her over the winter and had moved in with her, my mother has been paying him, I’m her DPOA, her money has always gone to her, she did raise me right in that respect,. Summer time, I need to drive over and visit, she lives in Montana I’m restricted to go in the winter months I live in Seattle, I’ve been searching the area found two great places, this is no easy task for me as you all know. I get here my mom is being well taken care of, this man is a saint, so I’ve been here now for almost a week, he said I had to see for myself how she is now that her doc has reduced her ton of meds, and has placed her on a strict diet to keep her heathy, she’s doing very well now it’s been 8 months now and her true self is emerging as she cannot put up her curtain for very long, I thought it was show timing, turns out I was right, I knew her and she always put up a show for the docs.

Long long grueling short story, this friend of hers her caregiver had no choice but to basically slap me in the face I had to see my mother it’s the only way to know the truth. She is a Sociopath!!!!! look it up, that all I ever needed, someone, any one!! Please use the correct word!!!

Hi all. I am not caught up. Just stopping in to say that I feel a little down. I ran into my neighbor this morning and learned her husband beat her up in street. She is torn and broken and I felt so bad for her. This woman has had cancer, chemo and surgery several times, has this gene script that keeps her susceptible to any and all kinds of cancer and has to keep getting screened.

Her husband is one of the sweetest, kindest men on the block. Always working on the house doing awesome changes and upgrades. I have gone to him several times for advice. We talk have drinks outside at times. So this was a shock.

The other thing is that I found the door open again on my way out to work yesterday afternoon and its not the first time. In fact I have found it open many times. The saturday before last my nephew from the streets came in we talked a moment and he went upstairs to his mother. I finished cooking and went up to get dressed and found the door open. Thank goodness my mother didnt have a mind to be on a mission out of the house.

So I told this oldest nephew to please lock doors explained it. Then saw him go to the front door to close and lock the doors he had left them all open.
It saddens me because I have many times suspected brain damage from numerous assaults to the head from the way he speaks and repeats thing. Then I learned he had High Blood Pressure a few weeks ago and I had to stress him importance of meds how my father died from stroke and not taking meds at a young age and how mine is sometimes uncontrolled and how I forget things and have to keep checking my self when its how and how its frustrating. He said the same thing and as we spoke this week he was saying how his cholesterol was high. I went and got some of my lecithin for him as it helps HC. I am just sad for him in a sense. There were many times when he had been hit in the head in a bad way. He lives the streets and the streets are mean.

So naturally there will be no consideration for anyone else leaving door unlocked at any time my mother wanders off, no one but me.

Also upon checking mail, I see my sister had mail for temporary leave of absence. I sure hope she is not taking a leave in anticipation of me taking trip to see my son which I did this time of year last year.

The fourth is coming up and Happy Fourth of July everyone. A cousin is coming up from south for a few days and I am planning to do something with her and her daughter. She was like a lil sis to me. She always talk about us taking her to the parades. I was in high school. She was like 10 years younger and hardly got out so me and my sister would go and pick her up and take her places.

Although I am looking forward, its still stress. I met with friends for early dinner on Saturday on short notice. I had other plans to pick up things to send to my son for his birthday and late fathers day. I've been keeping him posted. It was my buddy's birthday so I met with him and his wife who is also my buddy. They are very spirtual and uplifting couple, we had a nice time.

I hope everyone is well and stay safe during the holiday.

Rays of love and light to all.

Sod truck is here! Hope landscaper gets here soon!

Banging my head against the wall today.
APS came on Friday, my father denied having anything to do with it. Yesterday I heard him speaking to my cousin about the abuse and how he can't take it any longer. Now he's decided they are moving abroad. Again.

Yikes, we all live so much drama! I am so sorry for your troubles, DDuck. You are right about the violence the poor and those on the street experience.
One of my sons was jailed once, later released, mistaken identity for a sexual assault. The wardens at the county jail beat him (permanently disabled from near-fatal trucking accident) to within an inch of his life. He has straightened his life around, mostly, but I believe he suffers from an oppositional disorder, depression for sure. He has been abusive towards me, and I have set my boundaries. Of course he rejected my boundaries, so sadly, we don’t have any contact at this time.
My oldest son also has major health issues, legally blind, severe Crohn’s Disease. He learned to abuse me from his father, my first husband. His birthday was June 30th. Those birthdays are hard for me. He blames me for his problems, has been diagnosed as having schizoid disorder. I don’t know how much more I could have done trying to turn things around for him during childhood. It’s so hard when they are born with brains that aren’t wired quite right, it seems. He wants his space, never figured out his father’s passive-aggressive treatment, directed towards me, was his dad’s shortcoming, not mine. Now I am gone from that man, but sadly, he destroyed my sons.

Tryto have a happy Fourth, guys. We will be home, quietly riding through retirement, maybe some fireworks will be visible from the street, as we live under huge old southern oak trees, cannot see the sky.

Good luck with the kitties Golden! Yummy treats might be a suggestion to tame them.

Happy 4th to you too Girl. I'm sorry for your troubles with your sons. Thats heartbreaking.

D-Duck, SO frustrating about the open doors. It does sound like your nephews head traumas have compromised him.

Glad, happy to hear the landscaping is moving along!

Everyone else, take care :)

A complicated question. Sis transferred all of Dads assets to Moms name so he could go on Medicaid. This was done over the past year, Dad is npw on Medicaid. Mom and Dad are going into assisted living and the money will be coming out of those transferred assets. Some of Dads cost will be paid for out of his SSI and a program called program called Pace. Dads share alone is $5,600 per month because he will be in the memory care unit. On paper, Mom will be paying for the rest of Dads cost. I'm not sure how much it will be for Moms accommodations. My question is this, will medicaid consider the money Mom that pays for Dads living situation part of his income? If so will he no longer qualify for Medicaid? Thanks

Dang! Girlsaylor, I can relate to your issue. I used to listen to my sisters children father ridicule her with them. Laugh at her. all type of stuff. I stepped in when he threatened to slap her. I cant imagine the stress and painful long term effects of that type of abuse. Its so sad.

So many times I wish I could offer some type helpful advice. I can only extend what works for me sometimes and what I have learned my I am still evolving and learning and accepting things that I have been blind to and in the process learning me, who I am, learning to love my self after this lifetime of outcasting, shame and blame and feeling responsible for everyone.

And here it goes again. My son tells me this morning that my twisted called him but he missed call. This is after I see this letter in mail with employee leave or something in letterhead. So I ask my son when was the last time she called him. Giving him its my suspicison that she is calling him to find out when and if I am coming to visit him this year around this time as I did last year. I am very angry that she is playing herself on my son.

So here goes the manipulation and tricks. She has been no contact with my son for years. Didnt call when baby girl was born and she is going on 2 in November. Now if this is her reason for calling him it twist me up because she does not have the decency to give me info on water being off and bathroom out of commission not to mention blockage and outcast from my mothers care but yet she has to take off if I go away. I wonder why. Anyway if they do speak she will be directed to ask me personally if its about me or my plans.

Then she takes cable box from tv in kitchen to spite me but this was my mothers place to stop and socialize as she goes and come from bathroom, I often find her in conversation with the tvs. So now when I come down this afternoon my mother as done something where the tv in living room is no longer working. Usually if that one was out she had the kitchen one as a backup and sit and talk to her shows. So I have no idea how to fix and it has to be done by my nephew. Anyways, all that spite and evil manipulation comes back all the time in one way or another. Yes I am stressed but nothing she or the nephew has schemed has come into play or work and ends up being more rope around their necks.

My point is I wish I had more to give in way of advice. I dont get to post much and sometimes I am so filled and tired of the bs that I dont have the gumption to get on line. But I do read the posts and catch up as I can and my heart goes out to everyone. I must also add that this forum is a blessing in so many ways and I am thankful that through my posting and crying and long books that people reached out and gave me food for thought that helped me learn about what I was dealing with the narcissism, which gave me better understanding to deal and better understanding about me, who I am and why I have certain issues.

I truly hate that an outside agency has to be invovled and hopefully make things right. Oh and I reached out to this orgainization called Caring Kind a support group for caregivers caring for someone with Alzheimer. I havent heard from them but waiting to get admitted in a support group.

Anyways, rays of love and light to all. Be Safe and Happy 4th.

cwillie -working on socializing the little one. He likes his refection in the computer screen

glad - grand kids have played with him. He sleeps most of the time. Landscaping Yay!!!

tg - I set a couple of relatives straight over mother's complaints and with the others I let it go. If they haven't figured your dad out by now, I doubt they ever will. If they want to believe him, their choice. How about pleasing yourself and not trying with dad. He should be trying to please you. Maybe your sister is getting a clue abut him. Yes, take a break!!!

cm - I agree - I think others have a clue about dad who is acting as a juvenile and may be losing his filters.

trustnone - your name says a lot. It sounds like your daughter is an excellent student. So glad your grandma and your dad were good for you. Grandma was a real character!!! To me it seems that your mum has serious emotional/mental problems. It is great that her friend is looking after her. Has she had a formal diagnosis? My mother had Borderline Personality disorder and was very hard to deal with. Take care of you!

duck - same old, same old eh? Hope you had a good holiday. Sorry to hear about your neighbour. Don't worry about giving advice. It;s fine for you to come here and vent. I hope you get into that support group,

gkcgkc - I guess you have to take much of what your dad says as fantasy. I hope the cousin knows what he is really like.

girl - sad about your sons. Yes, dysfunction junction has a lot of drama.

trying - little pumpkin is settling down well. He loves his food! I don't know anything about medicaid. Hope someone here does. It must be a bit of a relief to see them placed in a facility.

We caught only one - a beautifully tiny fluffy ginger kitten. He is a character as most kitties are -enjoys cuddling, likes his bed (a padded cube), still runs away into corners and under furniture when you let him down so we keep him fairly confined for now, eats and poops well,
In the car on the way back he crawled into my jacket, up to the back of my neck and slept there quite a white then down one arm just above the elbow. So I arrived home with a sleeve-ful of kitten. He has a great motor - purrs well and is still missing his old life so he lets us know by miaowing. He was a goat shed/outdoors cat. The other kittens now hang out in an old root cellar on the farm so he likes dark places. While we were there I saw horses, chickens, goats, sheep, barn swallows and a beautiful Kangal pup who has been named Metaxis, as well as the kittens. It was a very nice visit. The sun was shining, a little breeze was blowing, we sat outside on the porch and visited. Loved it. The old guy that owns it and lives there is very hospitable. He owned and ran 4 restaurants in E'ton years ago. I haven't been offered a liqueur in a long time, but opted for water that I could share with the kitty. 😸

Finally we are having rain in the north which helps with the forest fires. The lawn is greening up and the roses are happy.

We are managing fine with the extra people in the house so far. If need be I will escape to the basement for quiet, but we all are pretty quiet which helps.

My (and mother;s) financial adviser is retiring so I met his replacement when I was south. They are working on the estate matters. The lawyer has been given direction and I haven't heard back from her. I have to get a cremation certificate from Ontario for permission to bury mother's ashes there. Finally I have heard from the bank and have direction from them which will go to the lawyer for her to look after. Feels like I am getting there.

We (dd and fam) went out for a meal the other day. It was nice having the family together. Feeling the family feeling at home too with dd and dgs here - it's a blessing for all of us!

We only have life one day, one moment at a time. Make it as good as you can. I know it isn't always easy. (((((hugs))))) to everyone.

Fascinating!
https://oceanexplorer.noaa.gov/okeanos/explorations/ex1903/logs/photolog/welcome.html#cbpi=/okeanos/explorations/ex1903/dailyupdates/june21/media/squat-lobster.html

Well I had a restful, but not really productive day today. Mom had been hinting big time about the fourth, but no, didn't take tomorrow off so I could go there and be berated.

Brother was to take her out to lunch today. She said where they were going - place that also has a buffet she loves. He supposedly checked, and they said yes, salad bar was going to be up and running today. I almost said, well he'd better check about the buffet, as I'd attempted to take her there on another holiday, and buffet was not offered (not a big crowd on holiday - they get a lot of traffic for workday lunches).

I call after her 'big day' was to be done, thinking she'd be in a good mood. Nope. Buffet was closed. Brother took her to a store that was open, then I'm sure he asked where she wanted to go. I am absolutely certain she pouted, as that is her way. He ended up getting her carryout, which I am sure she said was fine. Except it was not. He dropped her off at her house and went on his way. I actually do not blame him, as I'm sure he saw she was going into a dark, foul mood.

She's half crying when I call her. Oh, her life has been hell, just hell. She never should have been born! Then we go through her 'greatest hits', every wrong, real or imagined, she has to tell me about. It's like verbal diarrhea. I just kept the phone on mute and low.

Then she gets her in accusatory mood - what are you doing, have you eaten, are YOU going out? Cleaning (not really), not really eaten (true), and no I'm staying put. She grouses on for about 30 minutes or so. Did you get that fixed? (Partially - again not really but not wanting to hear how lazy I am, etc).

Then she brings up how her shoulders and hands hurt, how she can't do anything. Well, I made an appointment for you, you had a hissy fit, and I cancelled. The end. Sorry, not doing another thing for you. She had complained last week or week before how she didn't know how much longer she could eat, as her false teeth are all worn down. She had a deal to go into the dental facility and get a new set at discount or free. I said if you call and find out it's still in effect, then I will take you. Well, it's NOT a priority; my shoulders and hands are first priority. No, it's not. You are just using it as a way of manipulating me. Ball is in her court.

She's been saying how she wants me to come 'soon'. Yeah, not happening. Her landscaper still has not shown up. If I were a betting person, she'll be asking me to do it all. She has bushes that would almost require a ladder to trim at this point. If she called this guy, and that's a big if to me right now, she waited too late, as he is good and gets booked up early. She knows that, so I'm guessing if she called late, it was a calculated move on her part. Again, she wants me to do it, as I don't really work (according to her), and I OWE her. Yeah, I'm not doing it.

She was whining about how holidays are about family, and honestly, she is the root cause of why we have a dysfunctional family. She has pitted me against my brother, and I don't think that relationship can be repaired at this point. Maybe to be civil is the best outcome. But we're the weird ones (her kids). She has friends. Except that they take days or weeks to return her calls, so they are distancing themselves. It's really painful that she doesn't see the truth, but I know she never will.

Hope everyone had a nice and peaceful fourth. I did (even with the phone call - I was long distance - LOL).

Glad- Those pictures are amazing! I'm going to forward the link to my sons, all three are nature nerds :)

Sissisu - Good for you, keep up those boundaries!

Golden - "sleeve full of kitten"... thats adorable! Nice to hear things are going well with your expanded household. Having loving family around is a blessing for sure.

Today is a big scary day, I will explain... Mom only has two weeks left in rehab and AL requires proof that my parents house is on the market before they will assign both my parents living quarters. Dad is there now, in a Memory unit, but it took every last cent of my parents money to sign him on. I don't know any more of the particulars. Sis can be very vague.

Anyway today Sis is taking Mom to a Dr. appointment and is planning to have Mom sign the realtors agreement for selling the house while they are out. Mind you Mom has no clue the house is being cleaned out and sold. She is already loaded for bear because she thinks Dad moved out of the rehab without her to go live with friends. She is paranoid, confused and delusional.

When I visit Mom I usually spend my time trying to de-escalate her agitation and re-direct her thinking. It takes some effort but she does calm down. Thank goodness for her psych meds. That was not possible before.

Sis wants to do this on her own and, for today, I am perfectly happy with that. Fingers crossed all Hades does not break loose!

This topic is sadly needed,visited my Aunt who has managed to live 102 yrs. In a Nursing Home has a new name added titled'' enhanced'' living'', my son pointed it out to me. I try not to read it. It brings to mind many thoughts, such as how many of my Aunt's missing clothing and other personal items enhancing the lives of others,not to mention the many meaningless meetings with the ever revolving door of nursing staff,administrators, etc.
Today was a good day, I only had to ask one question re the linen . I do remember to thank those who trying their best, and to thank God for those who actually help.
Working on my thought life re siblings, family, and myself
I must admit that many days my thoughts lean to wishing that there must be a special place, that is very,very, hot, reserved for those who abuse and mistreat our elder population.

Well my days off went pretty smoothly. I got to make this stew beef and potatoe recipe I watched a few weeks ago. It called for putting bacon and gralic in the chopped and then saute and add to beef. I put too much garlic but it truned out good. My mother enjoyed it so the second day since there was tomato paste in the recipe I got the garlic bread to dip in the sauce and my mother had a good time. I felt so good she was eating.

I also got her out in the front yard, she refused to take of the old wig. When we came it I took the wig off, it was tangled in her hair. It went smoothly, I brush her hair and cut out clumps. She still refuses wash but it looked good. When we went out second time the next day she didnt want to come in, telling me to go on ahead. I explained I couldnt leave her because she might wander off. It was hard to get her in but what worked was letting it look like she came in on her own. Her independence is important and I try to repect that.

I dont know how to explain this but I dont think I will ever get used to this situation. Sometimes its a pain to wake up knowing if I dont do something for my mother then it wont get done. So I am often on a mission to figure something to fix for her appetite.

Then theire is the frustration of when she goes off. She has moments where she upturns,every single space in the cabinet in a draw with a serious fixtation.
So sometimes before I start my day toshop cook and do laundry I have a horrible mess to clean up.
She likes icecream so I bought the gallon and then some peach turnovers. Well today the icecream was on table melted and and the container of turnovers wet and soggy. So glad the ants didnt find it.

The day before I foun gritts all over floor in front of fridge, all in the freezr on therubber around the doors on shelves and layer the whole sink. Its was hot, I was exhuasted. Plus She had put old food in bags in the fridge, old stuff I thought my sister was throwing out.

I just dont understand how they just walk past and dont investigate.

But everytime I feel the frustration build up, I look at her and realize that one day she will be gone and I will wish I could clean up or feed her. I rub her neck and kiss her a lot. I try to make her feel loved still feel as if I am trying to prove my self somethimes but I try to let her know that who she is okay with me.

So I let her take the screen out the window and play with it for a while. She has to check the basement and wouldnt rest because she kept fiddling with the lock which wasnt locked. I kept calling her from going down and then she ask if someone was down ther. She didnt rest untill she got down there and saw for her self. Then I put a screwdriver where a padlock would go so it couldnt be opened and she was satisfied.

Golden the kitten story sounds wonderul, as well as the landscaping. I could picture him sleeping on your neck while you were driving. Those sounded like kodak moments. LOL

Redclay, I have similar thoughts about that special place....

Well much love and Rays of joy and light to all.

Some of my favorite series is returning, stranger things and Harlot is coming on later in week. I have also been catching up on Gotham I had stopped watching it.

Smile :)

Here I go again.........

Today came down to find my mother telling to go in the kitchen. She had a nice set up with big bowl of (MY) ice in center of table set with plates and cups of ice with the tray from a mcdonalds big meal. Pieces of pancake and sausafges and the sandwich my twisted leave (sauase and egg, I dont know where she gets thm but they are hard as rocks) . Anyway my mother was in the service or entertainment mode.I was glad that I woke up early to do damage control to my room and get a head start on feeding her., Well it was obvious her busy streak is still in effect.

So I go check mail land taped over a strip of paper that I typed that someone had left the door open was a cut out slip of adverstisement for brooklyn apartments.

So well I am thankful that I have been listening to this linkhttps://youtu.be/2SreV1c0zDE . I subscribed and I had just listen to the one on spiteful behavior.

So meanwhile the sink in the bathroom was close to overflooding and there is so much in this house that needs more than foucusing on doing ignorant things. I mean I didnt respond but there is so much attached to this jesture. and I feel like the nerve!! This is a policeofficer now I cant say what triggered this because it could be anything that is positive and effetive. So I am so glad I stay in prayer, maybe not as much as I should but I am in for the real and for the long run.

So glad I didnt feed into it. Then I met a lady I ride bus with on way to work. She had called me over weekend so sad that she is hearing her sister is deteriorating seriously mentally. So I didnt say but I was feeling like she treated you like crap all your life blame similar situation as mine. So when I saw her I was like "you have such a beautiful heart to cry over the demise of someone who mistreated you so badly over and over" But she ended up say the same to me as I hear this woman say over and over same themes. Sometimes God puts people in our lives or puts us in situation that help us grow.

So again and I dont think I will ever tire of saying how I donth think it was a coincidnence that I ended up on this forum. Its is awesome and has helped me in so many ways that its hard to express.

Today I thought "still I rise." something I will never forget that was communicated to me by a special person in the forum. Those words bring me back to earth and stomps out the need to retaliated and lowere my standards in responding to spite and vindictiveness.

So happy learning, growing and healing and keep rising.

Rays of love peace and happiness.

I'm ready to choke the life out of someone. I have 2 siblings and both think mom would be better off in a memory care facility. But she doesn't have the money so I am providing in home care. Someone called adult protective services and filed a complaint. I don't understand why if you are not part of the solution do you need to create a bigger issue. They can not be inconvenienced with visiting or helping but they can take time to make a phone call about my efforts. I'm so angry I will disown the family member that called.

Amy, breathe!!

I'm so sorry you think that a family member would call APS. It could as well have been the letter carrier. Or mom's doctor.

Do your sisters have a plan for how mom would pay for MC? Is someone looking into Medicaid?

Barb is right, Amy - wait and see first, or you might be like that angry cat who turned on his innocent friend cat and thumped him for twitching his tail, when it was actually the naughty cat sitting above them and going "tee hee hee" wot done it (it's on YouTube and cheers me up every time!).

Or your suspicions might be dead right; but in that case you want all the info to hand before you decide what to do about it.

What have APS said?

I’m so sad. After busting my arse moving us a year ago, while so sick, ended up in the hospital. Took care of spouse for lung cancer surgery, then his emergency surgery for gastric bleed one week later. Hobbling around in pain, chief cook and bottle washer. He won’t help with domestic things. Which is now a problem as my health deteriorates.
I finally had a much overdue orthopedic consult today. I’ve had three surgeries on left hip, now artificial, twenty years ago. Now, same birth defect on right hip, osteoarthritis destroying all my joints. I need right hip and both knees replaced, bone on bone, nothing they can do for me outside of replacing the joints. He does not do back, hands, or other joints; just hips and knees. So, I’m having to do the hip first, then one knee at a time. Spine also collapsing. Depending on how the surgery and recuperation go, might take one to one and a half years to do three joint replacements. The orthopedic docs can’t handle the current surgery load, as all the older people who have failed joints aren’t permitted pain medication anymore. Now surgery is our only option, when it’s bone on bone and we aren’t allowed pain relief. So, I saw the PA today, after a four month wait, couldn’t even see a doctor. Now I will have to wait months for an appointment with the doctor himself, then schedule the hip replacement. I’m in so much pain. Cried as I was trying to pull my body up into the truck, did my errands, picked up meds at pharmacy, had to hand deliver a piece of sensitive mail to the post office counter. I simply can’t walk.
So, hubs asks where I went, when I came home, as he slept the day away, didn’t remember I had an important doctor appointment today. He complained at dinner that he’s tired of me being in poor health all these years, wishes I was gone. It was okay for me to take care of him during cancer workup, surgery, giving him sponge baths, fixing and delivering meals bedside. But when I need help, he doesn’t want to help me. Shameful, but a very common male selfishness, bailing when the wife can no longer wait on them. I know not all men are like this but geez, I have three weight-bearing joints I must have replaced, and he won’t load the dishwasher after I did pet care, cooked, washed laundry....,I’m disgusted with the selfishness, the balls to say that to me. And I told him so. Of course, he decided to verbally abuse me, so I’m now in bed, TV on, and computer and phone. Obviously I better not count on him to bring me a sandwich or mix my liver medicine twice a day post-op, til I am able to move from walker to cane, so I have at least a free hand for cooking and laundry. And being my right hip, I’m not going to be driving for awhile after two of the surgeries.
I'm just so disgusted with abusive family members.

Ok so APS called this morning just as I adjusted fan and got in bed. Asked if he could stop by. Yes if you are near because I was just getting in bed. He came said he spoke to twisted!! and she said they did the repairs! and he came to see.

So here is the deal, he say she contacted him approx 3 weeks ago. did they do the work because of his contact?! Well luckly he did because me or my mother would have been in the basement if the beam had collapsed. I would have been one of those unsolved mysteries cause they would have left me down there for a good while!!

So anyway he comes and says in a nutshell what I complained about. The sink drain was clogged, and anyone with decency and spending money on repairs will go ahead and make whole place look decent, spending thousands how much more would you charge me to plaster this little place and go over that spot so it look like I spent this kind of money. We got the cheepest toilet........

I had no idea he was in touch and I got a little upset because if he falls for their antics my cause for my mother is lost. Thus his contact is why my sister has been changing my mother's clothes every week or so. I thought it was because I told her she had two sons and she listens to her that it was the least she could do.
Anyways the Mr. G told me not to make it about me. because I got upset when she told him my mother dint need a home attendant that I was there until 4pm and she comes in at 4. How can she even put me in the equation when there is no contact with me, no communications, and especially when they claim I dont do anything for my mother. Then lie, because as I told him I have to sleep to work and I feed her and make a bee line up stairs to sleep which is often broken by knocking. And that she comes in and goes straight up stair. I just hope the truth is established and dealt with in this matter.
Anyways, he assured me these things take time. he has approval from his supervisor and would be filing the court papers before he leaves for vacation the end of July. my sister responding to him delayed this process. But his finding to day was that repairs are needed. I guess its obvious what going on and like someone on forum use to say a lot. I am going to have to keep my shut and my emotions in check. I cry from frustration and the backlog of spite and vindictiviness. it all comes very easy. I get scared I think its going to go downhill and that this is going to blow over like all the other wrongs and then I start the self doubt. So now I realize how I need to check my self especially if we go to court. My twisted has already contradicted herself first saying to the meals on wheels that I dont care dont dont do anything then to this man that my mother is in my care all day to 4pm. On top of which she has me blocked for her care or medical information - Whew!!!'

But the bottom line is that my prayers are being answere and twisted and nephew are now answering to an authority and not doing to well in addressing issue. So I do expect retaliation just didnt realize they were in contact with APS , they are being checked and that is most important after being checked about my mothers care.

Prayer works. Praise God!! and even though I am tired, I still feel good. I see surgeon in am. He is an oncology surgeon but thank goodness just a surgeon to me.

Rays of love and light and goodness to us all.

GirlS, I am so sorry so many things are so hard on you right now. Yes, MEN, many of them just do not know how to care when we REALLY need it. They really do not have a clue. The problem I had when I was married was trying to be independent and not asking for what I needed. I guess I thought he read my mind. Doesn't actuAlly work that way.

Amyjoy, I have been there. Both twisted sissies reported me to APS for financial exploitation while I provided 24/7 care for my mom and stepdad. One reported me for mom, the other for stepdad. Yes, they got their satisfaction by making me more stressed and SICK OF THEM. There was no exploitation occurring and APS closed the case with the statement to me that the reports were nothing but vindictiveness and spite. They found the care received was excellent and were very supportive of me.

The problem with twisteds like this? Who the heck knows. Maybe they know they could never do it, so how can anyone else? They don't pitch in to even raise a finger to help. So, they do it to make themselves feel better. There must be something illegal going on or we wouldn't be able to handle it? Are they relieving their guilt and feel these reports are actually helping folks?

They are twisted minds, not in touch with reality, then add in their narcissistic tendencies! TS1 would actually call stepdad, in a completely hysterical crying fit, telling him how me being in mom's home, caring for them, was keeping her awake at night, and twisting her stomach in knots. 😫😫😫 Stepdad could not figure out what her problem was. POOR TS1! It was supposed to be all about her now wasn't it? She is delusional, and a counselor by profession.😀😀

Well I continued to provide the care for another three years until I had enough of the two of them. It got to the point that each new problem they caused I would just roll my eyes wondering whAt they would come up with next. Then come here to vent and talk with others here that I now consider my family and closest friends, they get it! They have been there. Keep coming here to vent and even just chat.

My only advice with APS is to be open and honest with them. Invite them into the home. Show them there is nothing that you need to hide. Actually consider APS as your advocate even though they are advocAting for the folks. All they are looking for is that folks are well cared for.

Just try to relax, it will not last forever and the twisted sibs will end up looking the fool.

Best wishes to you, I know how hard it is.

Does it ever stop? Ok, I know my mother loves her games or maybe it is the dementia, who knows!! Sometimes I have a hard time believing she is my real mother. I don't look like her; I have way different values & beliefs and she loves clutter and I hate it! Really!!!

We have had a dumpster for almost a week and the house is finally done...yeah! However, about 5 days ago my mother tells me she has things that she would like to put in the dumpster. I tell her that is fine. Then nothing! So, 4 days ago I tell her that we are almost done and she needs to put whatever it is she wants thrown away because we are not keeping it for the full 2 wks. She then removes all her Rubbermaid tubs that she keeps in the bathtub (no we don't use it because there is no shower) and puts them in her room, which is small. Her bed is pulled away from the wall and her nightstand is sideways which makes the room smaller. You can't even get to her bed without hitting something or tripping over something. I just went into her room to tell her something and there is that mess! UGH! When I ask her when is she going to straighten her room she yells "I am going to get to it." Her bed is on wheels and is very easy to move and she is not that far down the dementia path yet. But I try to remind her she could fall and end up breaking something or hitting her head. She just tells me she knows and if she cuts her head I could stitch her up then I tell her, I will just call the EMT's and they can take her to the ER. Then she just says, "oh well!" Anyways, I feel like she is doing this to play some kind of control game. I never told her she had to get rid of that crap in the tub because my sig other and I don't use that bathroom. I don't know, maybe I am making more out of this than what it is! I just don't understand and I never will.

I read some book years ago that we pick out our parents before we are born, but I don't have the foggiest idea why I would have picked her. She lies and always has; she steals and always has. She loves drama and she is a horter. I wonder who is this woman that I use to call mom? I know dementia changes people, but seriously, I don't think I ever knew her. I don't think any of us did.

I just needed to vent. This problem seems so dump compare to the problems of what most of you here on AC are going through. Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me vent!!