The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

DDDuck, I am so sorry you are still having a hard time.

In a way, some of my prayer has been answered. I was able to give up some days and have time with my family. However, the new pca is not performing at an expectation to totally satisfy me. Wash undone and not notifying me or the nurse when supplies are low or out. Instead of caring for parent, she is riding my sister and a neighbor to town being gone for hours.

Dad seems to continue to ride on me accusing me this week of putting mom against the sister living at home with them. Then tells the state worker I come in late and don’t do as he says. If he says do this first, then I should do this first. My clock starts as soon as I start doing work for them.

So after being put in a corner by dad and the state worker, I told them I’ll call my supervisor to resign. My mom was totally unhappy and I could not watch. Then last night hospice called, saying sister is requesting meds saying mom is fighting them. I requested they contact previous home health agency or come out and see for themselves beforehand please.

Right now I am listed as the main caregiver with hospice. If I leave completely, I’m not sure what will happen. Sister and dad may even get rid of hospice. So at times, I still feel mom and I are losing.

Shell38314 [I read some book years ago that we pick out our parents before we are born, but I don't have the foggiest idea why I would have picked her.]

Are you serious on the book? What about your siblings? If so, I wonder if we can give them back!!!

So Mom has been strongly hinting about my going to her place this weekend. Not inclined to do so. Her landscaper said he is way behind schedule. I don't think she called when she said she did. He would be roughly 2 months behind.
Talking to her the other night. She was all amped about the MLB All Star game. I couldn't care less. Third degree on what I was watching. Not really watching anything. You're so funny! (Meaning odd, not humorous.). Then she says well are you gonna talk?!? So I start in on something that happened during my day. She interrupts me something a about what was on her tv. I must've sighed and she got all nasty. She interrupts or changes the subject when I speak all the time. She said well I don't understand it and don't really care. Radio silence. Well are you going to talk? No you said you don't care. No skin off my butt. Well goodbye then! Yeah she hung up. No contact for 2 days now. Oh well.
Sealed the deal for me not making a trip there soon. LOL

I have decided that we should change the term Dysfunctional Families, to Challenging Family Dynamics,or Families Functioning with issues that Defy the Current Norms of the Present Society.Now of course this would depend upon the definition of a what a normal society is.Since I am a care giver past 75 , some times I think that in the world of today normal is a bad word.Oh I forgot in the culture of today there are no bad words.

Feel free to start your own thread with your title just like I did borrowing from another thread. There are several bad words other than normal in today's dysfunctional society. One of them is truth and the other is reason.

Well as far as dysfunctional families go I've got a real doozy of a dysfunctional family. We are going through another family crisis right now and rather than becoming the scapegoat/whipping girl. This time I've been speaking my mind and not holding back.

I just explained to a good friend on here that I snap right back at them now. I've always tried to be the good girl thinking that meant letting people say and do whatever they please to me and just taking it.

Being nice doesn't mean getting walked all over. Why did it take me 57 years to learn that. It doesn't matter if everyone likes me. Wow, what a concept.

Stacey, some shaking up your way, too?

Duck, is APS filing in Court to gain guardianship over your mother? And then, presumably, mover ger to a nursing home or AL?

Where will you live?

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Haven't heard back from APS, I assume they have to complete a thorough investigation. Do they have access to financial and medical records?

Colleagues of my addicted brother are attempting an intervention this week and they hope to send him to me and have me get him into rehab. We'll see how that goes...just what I need in addition to the two demented parental units.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. :)

Not very good today. She is on my back pretty good lately and my bp is way out of hand and anxiety. Just got out for a drive and a bite to eat. By myself. Just for a little while and when I get home she is ready to have a go. Why? because I didn't bring her anything. I go to my room (in my home) and when I come out to get something to drink she is sitting there waiting with a maniacal smile on her face.
The toxicity of this situation is killing me. Literally.
I'm not even sure I'll be able to ever work again now that the anxiety and depression has kicked in. I feel trapped. I guess I'm having a pity party but this 24/7 with her just isn't healthy and to her-it's business as usual. She doesn't know or want to know any other way of doing anything. oh, and while she bi^ching at me she's telling the dog that I'm scaring her (the dog) and being a bully, and she understands why she (the dog) is scared of me.
Her dog loves me, but I can see how anxious she is making this innocent pet using her as a pawn. Sorry, I just needed to vent. sighh

Aaargh! Need a form completed to apply for a certificate from Ont gov for permission for mother's ashes to be buried in Ontario, as she was cremated in AB. Need the funeral director to fill in part of this form. The guy from the cemetery in Ontario gave me the info about how to apply for this certificate.

Just sent the form to the funeral director in E'ton and he says this is incorrect and I don't need it and the the guy from Ontario is giving me wrong i formation. I don't think so. The guy in Ontario has been in the funeral business since the Ice Age.

E'ton guy asked for a contact number for Ontario guy which I have given him. I hope between them they can sort it out. From what I read on the Ont gov website, Ontario guy knows what he is talking about. Oh well!!! I trust that they can get it straight.

On the up side, the financial adviser has things well in hand, and I heard today from the lawyer re dealing with mother's bank. I will go south again in a week or so, bring all bank account related items and a list of things that need to be paid currently and my estimate of what will be coming in. That leaves me with taxes to be completed and then most of the paperwork will be done.

The real upside of that trip will be picking up another kitty - one of Pumpkin's brothers. He needs a buddy to wrestle with. P is totally comfortable upstairs with us - doesn't stray into the kitchen or back hall. He does stairs well and leaps around the furniture. I have some plants that are potentially toxic, though none that are extremely toxic, and, as kitties do, he was playing with them and taking a taste. Well, that won't do, so I made up some dilute vinegar water and sprayed them. Cats don't like the smell of vinegar. He let out a large growl and shot off to the safety of the shoes on the front hall. I had to reinforce no plant tasting again today. He is pretty sharp so hopefully he will learn what he needs to.

As well that trip will include dd and dgs who will go to Fantasy Land at WEM as an advance grandson birthday treat . So it should be fun.

Take care all - build in some "you" treats!

gershun - I'm so sorry. Sometimes there aren't great options. ((((((hugs))))) Speak your truth.

Golden, is that your new kitty?
So adorable.

This may be good to post again.

It is  information on detachment. 

This is clipped from coping*dot*org (Tools for dealing with control issues/learning how to detach). 

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:..:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or codependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. 

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. 

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things. 

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. 

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing. 

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. 

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. 

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things. 

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life. 

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. 

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change. 

Personally, in place of the phrase "your higher power", I put God. I hope this list is helpful. 

There are two more things that I want to add that I did not write. These have more to do with relating with someone who has borderline personality disorder, but they are useful elsewhere. 

(SET)Support - Empathy - Truth 

Support refers to an initial statement, which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling." 

The support statement is meant to reassure the person that the relationship is a safe one, and that his/her needs matter even during this difficult moment. 

Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one is trying to understand what the person is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."

Detachment continued

It is important not to tell the person how he is feeling, but instead put his demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings he is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating his feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the person may feel that his feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.

Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the person's role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the person or yourself. Often the person may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the person, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do.," "This is what will happen.," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."

It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the person is better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger. 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - 
PUVAS 
(use for complaining and/or blaming)

- Pay attention
- Understand fully
- Validate emotions
- Assert yourself
- Shift/Share the Responsibility

Paying attention to what is happening and what is being said helps us avoid making assumptions.

Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don't make assumptions.

Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.

Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.

Shifting responsibility where it belongs holds each party accountable for their own feelings and behaviors. This can be in response to four different scenarios...

1.) If your person is blaming you for his or her feelings and behaviors
2.) If you are placing blame on yourself inappropriately
3.) If you are trying to fix their problem
4.) If you recognize that you have done something to contribute to the problem. see less

It's been a rough week for me. Mom's health has been on the decline for the last few mos. On Monday my sister called me and our two brothers so that we could gather around mom, as it would be the end.

I live a distance from mom and my sister (she's been caregiving/administrating) for mother for over 12 yrs. now. Mom was in late stages of All. My husband drove me down there on Monday evening. I was completely shocked to have to walk into mother's crowded bedroom. Our very dysfunctional brother decided to inform his 4 grown kids (mom's grandkids) so now they were there, in what in hind sight I wish would have been a private last moments with our mother. It was so distracting to have all these people, who never, ever took their own time in the 12 yrs. mother found herself in to come and visit her. NOOOOO they had to show up in the 11th hour. I was flooded with emotions at this moment, one of them being anger at having to feel like now my siblings and myself had to be witnessed by others in this very initial moment of our grief!! To make matters worse, that day my inflammation was at an all time high, I was in pain all over my body.

These aren't the only grandchildren either. So now our other brother asked my sister not to mention and make sure none of the four who showed up at mother's bedside mentioned they were there, for fear of the rest of them not having been notified about this. Oh Boy!!! My sister didn't even know they were coming, that was our brother's doing. The way I saw that was that, this was the way my brother was appeasing his own guilty conscience & his kids, because truth be told they weren't involved at all with any of mom's health whatsoever!

Anyway, mom passed on Monday July 8th. Next day we, my sister, youngest brother and myself planned her funeral. I'm so glad the dysf. brother couldn't join us. He did enough theater the night before when mom passed away behaving as if he were a reverend of some kind.

So tomorrow is the funeral and we opted for a one day event. No viewing, only a mass then onto the interment. This will be followed by a reception at a local restaurant. My sister has created enough distance between herself and especially one sister in law, and said she just didn't want her coming to mom's house.

I'm just trying to keep a certain attitude about me right now, in anticipation of tomorrow's event. They'll be lots of family who loves to cause drama.

I will miss my beautiful mother, but she lived her life and in a very good way!
May her spirit soar very high! She's now with my dad.

Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

Cmagnum,

Thank you so much for posting this! I sure needed to read this especially
right now!

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Ahh, Margeaux, I am so sorry for your loss, though it is very good to hear from you. Yes mom is with dad. And crazy, dysfunctional sibs and grands be darned. Be good to yourself. Know that I am thinking of you. Take care of you, we have missed you.

🌸🌼🌿🌻 HUGS

Margeaux, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself. I hope the spirit of calmess I feel that comes with your posts is with you. ((((HUGS))))

Golden that kitty is golden. Beautiful really bright and looks like he or she is busy, busy. Have you named it. Its joyful just to see the picture.

I am still in good place. I continue to find surprises. Found freezer door open where my mother put a second six pack of water but could close door.l Everything is melted but was still cold. Twisted was upstairs in her room as usual. So I have to water these plants I started with so I try and get my mother to come out she doesnt participate in the watering and she seems to listen about coming back in. I give her her independence about it. come in and let her come in on her own.

I am still in a basically good place in my heart and spirit. I am learning not to react to the spiteful stuff and leave it in the Hand of God. Its hard to take the high road but it feels good when I talk myself out of stooping.

I guess I will always have this undercurrent of sadness. mourning my mother and watching her age. But what I am noticing is that she has started embracing her mental challenge in a since and know that she is confused at times which is great. I am so happy that now we can laugh and talke and "prance" in this dementia. When she was less challenged it was not a nice picuture so I am grateful to have this.

I guess too, that I will always mourn what my family is and that part of me that refused to see it.

I saw the surgeon, he says the mass in my abdomen is about the size of an orange and is calcified but they will not know if it is cancer until the do a biopsy.
I am not back to waiting for the biopsy of the thyroid. Nodules, maybe thats why I get hyped in a second. Surgeon also said they have to remove a part of my small intestine as the mass may be connected. If so it will be a piece about 10inches, he says 3days to get back on track. I dont want to be out of work to long but if they cut instead of laproscopy then recovery may take longer. I dont even want to think about the pain. I am also thinking that this pain in my left groin area when I walk or turn in bed my be related to the mass.I hope it goes away after the surgery.

We had a black out in NY yesterday. a transformer blew and blacked out a section of the city which included 42nd street area. One of the busiest areas and on a weekend.

Anyway, I lam not really caught up.

Rays of love and healing to us all.

Margaux, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom, I know you will miss her.

So Sorry that you are also having body pain, are you in the Fibromyalgia Club with a few of us here, or is this something new, whichever it is, I know it Sucks as I have it too.

Hopefully as time goes by and things settle down for you, it will ease up some, I find that stress makes it worse.

For now, please know that I am thinking of you and you have my deepest sympathies, Take Care! Stacey B

Glad, YES, both my husband and I were strangely awake at nearly 3AM when the earthquake hit, the epicenter was only about 3 miles from our house, and the second that things started to shake we both called out each other's names (I was watching TV in our family room), and he was out of the bedroom in a flash! It only lasted about 20 seconds or so, but felt much longer. A rattling back and forth, and sounded like a freight train!

Being new to Mobile home living, the first thing that came to mind was "I hope this thing doesn't fall off its foundation", but thankfully it didn't, and of course it is strapped down as required by law, so no worries! Lol!

Golden, New Kitties, how FUN! Hope everything is going well with the houseguests and You Too!

Cmag, I am so glad that you re-posted those helpful tips of Detachment! It just so happens that I started to re-read this thread from the beginning last night and came access it from the first time you posted it. It is Super helpful, especially for the Newbies who are only just finding this thread and navigating life cari ng for a Narcissist. I Thank you for starting it up so long ago, it has been a real game changer for me on my road through caregiving! Cheers Mate!

Hi all I am not much good for support for others these days, but want to keep in touch. Between my dd, dgs, and the kitty, as well as wrapping up some estate stuff (which is made harder by the presence of others and a kitty who wants to play on my laptop), I am struggling a bit. But it is happening. Dd needs a lot of support for her situation and so does dgs, and I am glad to give it.

My house is a bit messier than before, but I can live with that. Dd is helping me with some stuff. I am sleeping in the basement where it is cool, dark and quite. I escape there in the daytime when I need to for a nap or just some alone time.

Got the cremation/burial stuff sorted out and gave direction for the headstone which needs to be cleaned and engraved.

Taking some paperwork to the lawyer when I am south to move that along.

It's a bad year for ants here so I have to get after them again before we go.

I had forgotten quite what maniacs kitties are. They must play!!!! He is extremely cuddly and social as well as being a maniac - lots of fun. Having a brother here should help to keep them both entertained. They can wrestle with one another.

Yes, gershun - my avatar is Pumpkin in the middle of an attack on the Kleenex box.

We will head south tomorrow or Wednesday. A hotel break will be good. Maybe R and I and the others, if they wish to, can take in an Imax show or two.

Things will settle down here soon, I think.

Hugs to all. Do what you have to to keep yourself sane. 😜

Golden23

Pumpkin is just to cute. They can be a handful at that age, but boy, are they fun to watch! Having brother should be such a joy. 😀

Back on the mood rollercoaster again. Mom was okay-ish until she called me back late last night. Oh, I'm so all alone...…….. While I do feel some empathy, no way is she moving in permanently with me. We cannot even get through 3 days without it being WWIII. And the fighting is all my fault. Yeah, I do have some blame in it, as I shouldn't let her digs and pushing every button get to me. I shouldn't react, but I'm human.

So I call tonight. Oh her arm is hurting her. I wanted to say well I had offered to take you to a pain clinic, but she had a hissy fit and wouldn't go (I had to cancel). I'm not offering up another thing for her. I've gotten her arthritis and pain cremes, items to strengthen her hands, heating pads, you name it. All used for maybe 5 minutes, only to have her say - it didn't work. She expects a magic pill or potion. I think she actually wants to be incapacitated so I will have to have her live with me (or so she thinks). I'd pay for a caregiver to come to her house before that happened.

The next thing she says we need to pray. Umm, ok? Pray that her landscaper gets out there soon! I just said let's be real, I'm going to end up having to do it. "Well what are you crabbing about? Your brother comes over here all the time, and I don't have to ask him to do stuff!" He lives within 2 miles away. He doesn't do any hard labor at all. None. He cleaned one spot on her floor, when she got a new appliance. I clean all of her floors, bathrooms, kitchens, etc., and I'm not told anything except how I don't do it correctly. That confirmed it to me that she's never called the landscaper; she wants her pound of flesh out of me, wants me to do her damned weeding and trimming. The fact that she made extra, over the top bedding areas, when this was to be a maintenance free living condo. They had an ample space in the front of the home. She dug out all along the driveway, all along the garage, all along the backside of the house, all along her property line, and then a island type of bedding area in the middle of the backyard. It would take all weekend to get it done by me. And, if I would happen to go and do it, that would be all I'd do. The end. No driving her to do shopping or eating out. Tough. You want this, so that would be it. I'd also have to do the inside of her home, too. Good luck with that. The gardening was her one big hobby, but it was not my hobby. No planning ahead, just thinking she could do it forever, or she'd have me do it. I don't even tend to my flowers much. Perennials that do not require much, and I have a landscaper who has been out to redo everything as far as trimming and weeding.

She then said oh I have to hang up, I can't continue to hold the phone (sob). It's a total guilt trip, and I'm not buying it. She can yak on the phone to the few friends she has left for hours. It's a ploy to get me to say something like suggest a doctor (so she can explode at me), or to get me to go there (doubtful again as it's going to be hot as hell this weekend), and ultimately for me to say oh come live with me (nope - visit at best - very short visit at that).

I honestly don't think anything short of her "getting her way" would make her happy and happy for like a day or so. She said that last night during her last call/tirade, "if I'd only gotten my way years ago" - how she'd wanted to move to a different state/region. It never would have happened as all she knows is her hometown (every other place I've lived she said was "stupid"), plus she's scared of her own shadow. She's brave when yelling at me or others in our family. Meek to outsiders. If she did move here permanently, I'd be blamed for her selling and leaving her wonderful hometown.

I dread every phone call and shudder when I see her pop up on my phone calling me.

Hi everyone! Just an update on my brother. He went back to the hospital about a month ago with gall bladder issues. They put in a tube to drain it (too weak for surgery). The tube perforated his abdominal cavity and drained there. They treated him with antibiotics for it. He is having mild hallucinations agains and now he can’t swallow. They can find no answer as to why. He is up and about with the walker and is talking. I assume he is getting nourishments from a tube down his throat since they can’t do surgery. I hope and pray he catches a break soon.

Margeaux, I’m so sorry to hear of your mother. I know when it’s rxpected, it still seems surreal. Dysfunctional families never seem to disappoint with the drama at these times. I hope the service went smooth. I’m hoping you are able to focus on yourself with the loss and that family is doing the same. Please take care and many blessings for you.

Margeaux, my deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. We are never ready for it. I am so sorry too for the family drama. It is the last thing you needed. Hope you recover from the pain soon. I know it well. The stress doesn't help it. Take care of you

Margeaux, so sorry for your loss.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Margeaux. Just one week ago - how are you doing, are you taking care of yourself?

This is my very 1st post! I decided to join because of my dysfunctional situation. I saw this thread and thought wow, this is the spot for me! I'm a new caregiver. I've been caring for my 87 year old mother in my home since November, of last year. 8 months now and I'm so worn out. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. My mother, will not do anything for herself, she expects me to do everything for her. If I don't she gets an attitude. She treats me very bad most of the time. She sits in her room, in her chair and only gets up to go use the bathroom. She sat so much that she got pressure sores on her bottom and still refuses to get up and move around. We live in a 2 story home, she's only came downstairs 3 times since she's been here. She's so weak now that a physical therapist is working with her so she can become more mobile. This will be the 3rd time she's had physical therapy since she's been here. I am her sole caregiver, I've never done this before and my experience has been totally thankless, to say the least. Her health is fine. She has this obsession with wanting to die and it's so bad that she is extremely depressed. I've had a therapist come and talk with her and she told the lady on the 2nd visit not to come back. She has medicine for her depression and won't take it. If you ask her why she says, because I don't feel like taking it, it makes me feel sick. It doesn't. I also have an adult son that lives at home and struggles with severe MDD (major depression disorder) and has suddenly, started having delusional episodes. I've never seen anything like it. It's so sad to see him in that state of mind and go through that. There's nothing you can do or say to get him to understand that, what's happening isn't real. Actually, I've learned NOT to do that. We have made an appointment to see his Dr. that treats his depression. But, for now, we walk on egg shells, hoping not to do anything to trigger an episode. On top of all that, I'm looking for a new home and preparing for the move!!!!
So, how am I doing? Barely, that's how I'm doing!