notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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I have been a caregiver and although my situation was not like yours I sympathize and I am sure that people on here with similar situations will be on here to give you good advice.
You are in good company here. Keep coming back.
Thank you so much for all the kind words and condolences.
Everything feels like a blur right now, yes surreal for sure! Mom having passed on July 8th and for us to have had the funeral already this Mon. the 15th was just too fast for my brain over here!!
I spoke to my sister yesterday, and from what I gathered our youngest brother had to be out of town since yesterday until this Friday. I'm suspicious this is why we had the funeral so soon?
So I got through the day of the mass and burial.
That problem brother, golden boy ended up inviting one of his alcoholic friends to the funeral. The pall bearers were all in place and the priest was beginning the service at the door of the church. The rest of us, family were behind the casket ready to go into the church. Meanwhile this alcoholic and some other man I didn't know were outside, close enough to us being very noisy, laughing and carrying on. I became so angry & popped my head out there and told them to be quiet that the service had started. Unbelievable!!
My husband isn't the huggy type of guy. He's very emotionally detached. The day we were on our way when my sister had called us that mom probably wouldn't make it through the night, I broke down and started crying. Do you all think my husband came over to give me a hug? NO! All he said to me was, that I needed to be strong for my sister. I know that, but I feel he says things like this just to deflect from the fact that it feels as if it bothers him to see me become emotional. I'm not like a big cry baby either. This is something in our relationship that I really do not like, his inability to demonstrate some caring.
The rest of the service went o.k. Of course there were some family members I'd wished wouldn't have been there. But oh well!!
Mom had a lot of lovely flowers. She was buried with my dad. So that part at the graveside dredged up a lot of feelings for me.
After that my sister arranged for us to meet at a restaurant for lunch.
Usually, we'd gather at mother's home for the after reception. But I know that my sister just didn't want to have to do the work involved to host everyone there.
That was very nice and my husband and I sat with friends from my past who I've now reconnected with. The wife is a friend of mine and my sister's and well we've known her husband like forever. He's very funny, and it felt good to be in their company.
Anyway, thank you everyone for thinking about me. Still trying to sort all of this out for now. Feeling a little dazed and confused for the moment.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I will keep him in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
I didn't know you're out in California. WOW! You're right there by the epic center too. I'm in L.A. I didn't feel the one on July 4th, because I was up moving around in my kitchen making coffee. But I heard my husband in the bedroom yell something out to me, "earthquake." I did feel the one, 7.1 next day. We were at an old mansion in Hollywood that evening, watching a show. That was scary because we were seated and could see some lights overhead swaying. But everyone stayed in their seats. Of course we don't feel it as strong I'm sure as you're feeling them.
Yes, I'm suspecting I could be feeling some fibromyalgia, or at the very least some arthritis. Mom suffered with it, so I'm sure I have some of it. Right now I'm trying to deflame my body. I'm even trying to stay off of coffee which is real hard for me. Although I did have some caffeinated tea this a.m., but that doesn't seem to affect me like coffee does.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
Your little pumpkin is too cute! So he's getting a brother? How cool is that!
I wish we could have pets, but we have a horrible landlady.
A few people have cats in the neighborhood. They're outdoor kitties.
One in particular is very friendly with me, we've bonded. So I kind of feel like
he' s like an adopted cat. He's so handsome too, all black with beautiful white markings. His name is sly, and he is a sly one. Then a black kitty moved in next door. Haven't made friends with that one just yet; he's a rather skittish cat all over the place. But he likes to hang out in our front yard. He's all black, very cute.
Yes, Golden I agree we're never ready. It's been dredging some feelings over here about mother. Some I must admit rather uncomfortable too. Some as to how I wasn't the main CG, so yes guilt, etc. Now I'm having to deal with feelings towards the siblings and what lies ahead.
But for now I'm just trying to take a rest of sorts.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
The earthquake was a 4.3 I believe, and not too bad, only lasted about 20 seconds or so, and a mild shaking back and forth, still it was the first I've participated in in a long time. You always think that "the big one" is soon to follow, but there were only a couple of aftershocks which we didn't feel.
I hope you are feeling better after losing your Mom, as others have said, you are never prepared, that is for sure. You take care now!
I'm So sorry to hear of your brothers set back! I hope he is back on the med here really soon!
Golden, little Pumpkin is Adorable! Another kitty will add that much more fun to the mix! I so wish I could have a cat, as I Love them, unfortunately I am allergic, Drat!
We had the option to adopt Charlie's little brother back in the day, a little tri-colored darling, but chose not to at that time as she was our first dog ever and all, but now we sort of wished we had for the companionship, which probably would have made it so much easier to leave her at home for an hour or two, so as it is we have spoiled her Rotten and Never leave her home alone, good thing she is a good little traveler and most everywhere allows us to take her in, in her little carrier! Whew! Plus, that I am a homebody helps too!
Enjoy your full house, and your time away coming up!
Incidentally, I fractured my wrist about a week ago, tripping over the sliding glass door sill, and yesterday I had the fiberglass cast put on. Everything felt OK until I about 6 hours later, and then I noticing several places where it felt too tight and is rubbing and painful, one spot over a bone spur beneath my thumb, one on the side up in my hand, and on the outside of my wrist, and no problems at the site of the actual fracture. Then overnight it feels like the cast has loosened, and is sliding up and down from elbow to fingers, as well as back and forth. So now I am having panic attacks from the confinement which is stressful and something I have never had before! Ugg!
I looked up "cast confinement" and up pops "cast clostraphobia" and BINGO, all my symptoms are listed, it's the weirdest thing ever, as I consider myself fairly levelheaded, and all I can think of is "I want this thing
OFF"!
So I've put a call into the Orthopedic clinic and they have said they will remove/replace this cast for another, but little do they know that I will be demanding a velcro wrist splint, hard cast be damned! I will promise them that I will be compliant in wearing it! It's crazy but I just can't take it, and God help me if Iever break a leg! Knock on Wood!
Just another day in the life I guess! LOL! Hope everyone else is doing Fine! ❤❤❤
Golden, you are ALWAYS so supportive of everyone. Now it is your turn to just receive from us all. Know that we understand so many changes for you now, a new little kitty or two will help too. Take it easy, I know it must be difficult having a house full. I have a hard time after just a couple of days. Thinking of you.
i have two young children and live on my own with my dad living next door.
i do everything for him
3 years ago our family a a major fall out which concluded with my sister and her niece not having any contact with my and my dad . my dad still wanted to see his grandson as he was not involved in the fallout.
my nephew has tragically died this week and i just dont know if i can and should tell my dad as it is over a year since we saw him.
any advice at all is welcome.
i jsut dont know what to do i am grieving for my nephew and hiding this awful news from my dad .
Why are you hiding the truth from your father?
I am concerned about my brother with the swallowing issue as his nourishments are through a tube in his nose. He can’t gain weight to get stronger.
Im happy to hear you are happy in your new place. My son felt the quake in SoCal and family felt it in the Central Valley. This is the quake on July 4th and the one shortly after.
Thank you and Glad, I miss posting but just too busy. Take care everyone.
Stacey - A broken wrist, oh no! Take care and go slow so you heal properly.
Margeaux- Sometimes I think the guilt is because a loved one is suffering or gone and we are here and well (enough). Even full time caregivers often express guilt after their loved one has passed. I've heard full time caregivers lament that they were impatient at times or did not prevent fall or, God forbid, they could no longer provide the level of care needed and had to place their parent in a facility. If our circumstances prevent us from being the full time caregiver, and we have a strong sense of ethics then guilt can be even stronger, especially if we come from a judgmental family. Go easy on yourself. Grief is hard enough without adding guilt. hugs to you.
Golden - What Glad said. I could not have said it better.
So Mom and Dad are now in assisted living. Mom has become super paranoid, imagining all kinds of things but the people at the facility are wonderful. They are patient and caring and so far Mom has been manageable. For now, I am visiting every day and Sis is staying over night for this first week. Dad is still in the memory care unit we shall see if he is able to transition in with Mom. I am cautiously hopeful that they will come to accept their new living situation and it will be better for them.
It's been hard dealing with Sis. Last Sunday we three siblings moved a bunch of our parents stuff into storage. Sis told us when to show up according to her schedule...as usual. She does not allow attempts to coordinate or collaborate. She dictates what and where period. Anyway, all the real valuables are now in storage and what is left are furniture, household things and tchotchkes. Mom said she wanted us to each chose a few keepsakes. Sunday we did not have time to do this so it will need to happen another time.
Sis has the only key to the house and she told Bro and me that we could not borrow it. She said she would not allow us in without her. I asked Sis flat out why and she basically said she does not trust us. OMG dis-trust us how? What does she think we are going to do? Steal the pillows off the couch? This is pure vindictiveness. Mom would be appalled but I'm not telling her as I don't want her to get upset.
That was it for me. I told her out of all the hateful things she has said and done, this crossed a big line. I have tried to keep peace and swallowed my words for so long I just can't anymore. No more stuffing it and having my blood pressure shoot sky high. No more stress headaches whenever we interact. No more holding back. Sis is a true bully and bullies don't stop unless they come up against an immovable force. I won't start anything and I plan to keep my distance but I am sure as blazes not going to back down if she tries to bully me again.
How are you doing? There are certainly lots of changes with the situation regarding your parents. I do hope that placing them in this facility will help you, and that their care will be good.
I'm familiar Trying with someone in the family who ends up controlling to the umpteenth degree like your sister is doing. That must not feeling good for you to have one sibling behaving like this! Bully is right. Really sorry you have to go through this.
Yes, this is the type of guilt you mentioned where I wasn't the chosen CG, for a lot of reasons. So my visiting mother or caregiving when it was needed was a very controlled situation since mother's home has become my sister's residence then she has her 28 yr. old spoiled daughter living there. Things have changed over the years there, because they've become very proprietary living in the family home. Thank you, Trying.
Hang in there!
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
I'm very sorry about your brother's health.
O.K., take care of yourself with the sciatica.
Those quakes were unsettling. If he is in central CA, he must have felt it stronger.
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
Oh......I didn't know a quake happened in Seattle.
I've always wondered about that feeling you've described, about the claustrophobia. O.K., take care of your wrist. I had to wear one of those boots last year for a bad sprain on my foot. Just have to be aware not to overdo chores, etc., so as not to stress the injury.
Congratulations on your move also!
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
Oddly, enough when I called Mom today, she was worried about her funeral. Doesn't like the church's pastor (where she's registered as a member), will NOT have him! She and my brother (golden child) have been what I term "church shopping". It's like the three bears story: one has temperature too cold, one is very cold, one has too many 'extra' things going on, one she doesn't like part of the services. Brother found one he likes. Today she exploded on me, I am putting my foot DOWN finally (like she's never gotten her way on anything - ha - she got her way on EVERYTHING - total control as we were growing up). I will not go to THAT church. So brother will have to go where she wants. I'd feel bad for him, but he's a self righteous jerk most of the time. Strangely, about 2 to 3 years ago, he had multiple medical tests done on him - constant headaches, then chest pains. All came out - stress. Then mom, said stress? I have had more stress than anyone! Yes, she always has the most, the worst, the saddest, the whatever more than anyone else. No empathy for us. She will be empathetic to a degree to outsiders, I think to show what a good person she is. Typical Narc behavior.
So she was all fine yesterday. She has a big thing about being alone on a Sunday, so it's a dark, dark, dark mood today. We went through her greatest hits: not being allowed to learn to drive (which she had the chance when she got married and chose not to), she'd get in her car and drive far away from everyone (not true as she'd be too scared to go anywhere by herself - I'd left her 'alone' in a larger grocery story maybe 5 years ago, and she was in tears about that - so she's going to drive to a 'strange' area or city on her own?), she'd picked up her mother when she was widowed and was scared (not before mocking her and complaining how she was having to take her in - plus how her mother told her that she had to move along after my dad died - because life goes on), how she never thought she'd be all alone. My phone was on mute, and I raised the volume on my tv, because I'm sick of hearing the same stuff every week.
I'm going to have to go for a visit at some point. She did buy herself a laptop. I am supposed to set it up. She didn't let "him" know (my brother). She keeps some of her purchases away from him, like he's the authority (he's a man, after all), but he doesn't care. She couldn't learn how to operate 3 cell phones, nor two notepads. She thinks she can handle a laptop. It was 'her dream' to have one before she dies. Yeah, she'll have it, to play solitaire and that's about it. Another dust catcher.
I probably should go no contact, but the guilt trip is strong, been going for over 60 years now. I also know when she does pass, I'll be a mess. If I don't do some stuff for her, I'll beat myself up. Yes, I probably need to find a good counselor.
I hope everyone has a wonderful week, stays healthy, and thanks for letting me vent.
I am sorry that you feel lost and alone. You are not alone; you have us. And as cmagnum stated if your mom has Medicaid then she can go into a nursing home. There is help out there...there is help here!
When I first came on this forum I was so lost, confuse, and very angry, but I just started reading the posts that seem to fit with what I was going through and just when I started learning my way around the site they change the format and I had to figure it out and I did! Started learning who knew what and about other people were going through or went through what I was going through before I knew it I wasn't alone anymore! Just hang in there! As my dad and Send say, "this to shall pass."
Sharyn Marie, so sorry to hear about your brothers health change.
Stacey, patience and time wow!!! sorry to hear about your wrist. That earthquake sounds really scary.
Sometimes I wonder if this pain in the groin is sciatica. Some times its not as strong but its there.
Still waiting to hear more about surgery the whens and wheres. Wondering if that growth in abodomen is on a nerve.
Golden, Pumpkin is lovely, I call the cat in one of my stores Pumpkin Puss. One time I didnt like cats, but my son begged and I got and I fell in love with him. Thought he was a girl but play play play. Putting on pantyhose was so bad I had to put him out.. but he was so much fun. I thought he was a girl at first named him Princess till he started spraying and I took him to the vet. I told him his name was still Princess LOL. I am glad you are having some joy and happiness at this time. Take your mind off of things. I think its wonderful to be able to be there for someone and you are the champ for being that person from what I can see. Ps. when the men finally fixed bathroom they throuh out my castille. The bottle was almost empty. The issue came back before I got chance to buy another. But that was one piece of advice from you that will last a life time. So thank you.
Cindyn, welcome aboard!! I was broken, lost and confused and also angry this forum helped save my sanity, gave me strength and courage and understanding to keep going on. I learned and I am still learning about myself about the sickness of narcissism and dystfunction and how to deal with it and love myself.
Keep posting, open your hear someone out her will hear and have just the right words or perspective that can send you on your way to healing and growth.
So many wonderful beautiful people who are truly angels and chanells of goodness. Sometimes the truth hurts, but persevere and the growth comes. I didnt like hearing somethings, somethings I was not ready for and still am not ready for but now I can understand the reasoning.
Its not a coincidence you came to this forum; and Cindyn, you are never alone. You have God or a higherpower and that is what is at work through all these posts in these forums. You see hope, yourself, breakthroughs and help. Keep posting.
I hope everyone is healing and growing in one way or another.
Rays of love light and healing to everyone.,
Sleep Tight!!
Golden, know we are thinking of you and hoping things are going smoothly, you are getting the rest you need and able to do something nice for yourself. I do LOVE your new avatar!
Glad so much drama regarding moms estate. How tiring it must be for you.
Golden, I hope you are recuperating. Enjoy your new kitty, they are so fun to watch play.
What do do you all think of this situation. Our dr clinic pressures you to agree to blood tests for things like hep C, HIV, STD’s because they are subsidized by the government. The government wants these tests taken as preventive measures to bigger issues. I get this and understand. But it seems extreme when your lifestyle doesn’t warrant it. The other day my hubs comes home from a 3 month check on his A1C. He has paperwork for life insurance and a living trust from a known insurance company. They went over the packet with him with some mild pressure. I think this is too much from a dr office. What do think about this?
Insurance pamphlet from doc's office? Yea, kinda strange. But at mom's doc's office they had a display with pamphlets from caregiving agencies, hospice, everything you can imagine. I thought then that they were performing a service for their geriatric patients, or maybe for family. But, too much for doc's office to go over with you. They need to concentrate on their medical positions.
The blood tests, kinda understandable, we all know if we have lives that do not warrant such testing, but you never know about a spouse or partner for sure.
Spending money at a fast rate as his GF takes him out alot and he eats out more thatn me. He is out of money today and its the 27th, still has 2 weeks until his SSI check clears. I am sending him to my sisters for 3 weeks so I can get a break, I had to pay $500 for his flight, not even a thank you! More like he tells people I am sending him away. Tried to talk with sister and she seems pissed so she will drop him at one of the relatives for a week. Wow nothing like "family love". Giving him time to see his grand kids and great grand kids, does not at all seem happy about that. I bust my ass to cover his every need financially and home wise, feed him every day provide him a car and nothing.....
Now he wants his other knee replaced. I told him I am not doing what I did the last time 5 weeks in rehab bringing him every meal doing his laundry then another 2 months oif dealing with him at home. I live in a 3 story house not easy to navigate. Told him its John Wayne time for him, on his own on this one.
Totally on my own here. Hope to enjoy 3 weeks of us time for August.