The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Interpretation needed?

Bock bock bock bock = chicken sounds.

Margeaux - I am sorry that things are moving too fast for you. There often is a discord between the executor and other family members. It is a hard time for everyone. I won't be riding in the mountains this year it has been so wet it is slippery and not safe, so I have found a few stables near E'ton where I can get back in the saddle and see how I do. The kitties are a joy and probably some dysfunction there too lol.

glad - hope everything with your mother's estate gets sewed up without more trouble.

dixie - no kind deed goes unpunished. Families can be the worst for that. You have to look after yourself.

duck keep on keepin' on. You are making progress

girl - lots of health issues. Looks like you are getting them sorted out.

sharyn -wondering how you and your bro are.

The dreaded over 80 every two years medical is coming up. At least it means I have to see a doctor every two years lol.

June bugs and cheeseburgers -and turkey - are the latest interests of the kitties. They killed a June bug. I found it on the floor of their room. Dgs said it was 2 inches long but actually about half that and dead as a door nail -their first conquest apart from toy mice and mylar balls etc. . Pumpkin is a foodie - he loves to eat and has discovered that the kitchen is the source of many good things. Rockie is getting tamer and joined Pumpkin for a cuddle with me tonight and totally enjoyed being stroked and having his ears scratched.

These little guys and their antics are a good distraction from grief. It will be three months since my niece died next Thursday. I think I am over the 9 months after mother's death, so getting through it all. I have been reading light mysteries which helps too.

Dd and fam are working things out, She says they will return home for the start of school so that will be another change to deal with. I have discovered from sleeping in the basement I need more cool, more quiet and more dark at night which is what I get down there Good discoveries!!!

Most of the pprwrk for the estate that has to go through my hands to date is done. What a relief!!! Once it is finished I will start doing some things for me and for the house. I have a list!

I posted a thingie on fb the other day to the effect that "You have mastered survival, now start to live," That is my intention.

Good night all - be good to you.

Golden I envy you having young cats. My cats seem to just puke a lot now and sleep. I love them and they get their regular checkups so I don't understand the puking

I had an eye appt on Thursday and he said I am glaucoma suspect. So I have to get all these further tests done. I went through all this about 4 years ago and it all turned out okay so I'm hoping this will be the case this time too.

I have a suspicious optic nerve but I think it's congenital. My old eye doc retired so I have to go through this old song and dance with the new doc

My eye pressure's are on the high side but my old doc
determined I have thick corneas so the results are misleading.

I find all this very worrying and stressful.

Gershun - I hope the new eye doc finds that all is well for you. It is scary to be concerned about eye health!

Margeaux - I understand wanting to ask questions but not knowing where to begin because you don't have the lay of the land. I hope things go smoothly as the financial/trust issues are resolved.

Golden - I love hearing about your kitties. Best of luck with DD and family: and yet another transition!

I just needed to check in. Things are a roller coaster with my parents in and out of hospitals and rehab. Too much to write about right now.

Well-
Internist concurred, medication reaction, higher dose Tramadol than what I took previously. EKG was done in office, checked out normal. So don’t have to get a cardio clearance. Tick another one off the pre-op list.
Made a folder to take to Tuesday pre-op, to give EKG printout, avoid duplicate testing. Emailed surgeon, got list of bloodwork he ordered for pre-op. Sent it to internist, so she could lend status on duplicate tests. I also have bloodwork order and MRI for back orders from pain management, in the folder. Will ask if it is possible for all three docs to get the labs report, if they can do all labs and imaging Tuesday at pre-op. Hey, can always ask. Then, if they can only send results to the ordering physician, Plan B, the docs can just share the test results among themselves. I’m transparent, have nothing to hide from any of the docs. Also, might be that pain management doc is holding off on trying new meds until she receives the labs and imaging report. I know a lot of medical stuff, but certainly not medically trained. Try to just do as instructed.
Tomorrow I have to call hubs’ pulmy/internist to get his meds resolved, ASAP. The nurse fell down on the job last week, despite being given 3 days to get his prescription called into pharmacy, caused hubs to go through weekend, no script, and she didn’t call to advise why no script. She just didn’t follow through. I called the after hours line, and the clerk refused to take my information and have after hours doc call me back. Then the after hours clerk, just hung up on me. Nice. So, we have no meds here to wean him off, no instructions as to a weaning schedule. Can’t use doctor google, as we didn’t know we would need to do a fast weaning. Medical incompetence is rampant. Nurse should have just called in a one month script. Give instructions on weaning off, if that’s the decision, but do not ignore the patient. Professionalism isn’t always practiced. I know others here have had the same treatment.

NEW here. Hi. My husband and I are DPOA to his grandfather so there is a whole generation in between. His mother and her siblings-too argumentative and crazy making to take care of anyone but themselves. Gpa's wife just passed. Not their mother-(step mother-married GPA later in life. finances always kept 100% separate and even)
Now we have care of Gpa (Very early dementia). His kids are LIVID. 3 of them seem to be fighting us every step of the way. every decision we make is wrong, questioned, judged. We haven't done anything but get his paperwork in order, offering complete transparency in his finances (they are his beneficiaries) and willing to accept suggestions. We caught them in the house digging thru papers and things-when the house was supposed to be off limits to them as half of it is the deceased wifes estate now and Gpa is in assisted living.
attorney suggested changing locks and only allowing Wife's POA access and my husband and Gpa access. We have no issues with Wife's family (POA). My DH's family keeps insisting we grant THEM access to the house. We keep telling them--If he NEEDS or WANTS something from the house--we will take him to retrieve it. We cannot figure out what they want INSIDE the house. Gpa doesn't seem to want anything dire when we ask him and we have had him there multiple times to collect personal items.
They are refusing to help CARE for Gpa (their father) if we don't do what they want. So my question is-because we are POA, Both financial and healthcare, does this mean that we are also CAREGIVERS of day to day things? Haircuts, transporting to Dr appointments, shopping? We have signed no "caregiver agreement" with Gpa. Do we NEED to? We live 2 hours from him, they live 10 minutes away from him. Whose responsibility is the daily tasks needed? If WE drive to bring him to appointments, are we allowed milage at least? It is killing our car and we have young children at home. We don't WANT to let him down. We WANT to fulfill our agreement-but we aren't sure what our agreement IS really-other than take care of finances and carry out healthcare directives.
I apologize if this seems scattered. WE are trying to figure out if WE need a lawyer. Can WE hire a personal care attendant if Gpa's kids refuse to help?

BSeed, quick point of order:

Wife's POA no longer has POA, because Grandpa no longer has Wife. POAs expire along with the person for whom they are held. Did Wife leave a will? - if she did, her executor is the person who now needs access to the papers. If not, then access must be at Grandpa's and his POA's discretion.

Second quick point -

You cannot require your parent/aunt/uncle to provide care for their father.
You do not have to provide this care by yourself.
It is your responsibility to source any services needed, and to use Grandfather's money to pay for them.

If this generation is so chaotic and belligerent that that's their attitude, you don't really want them having unsupervised access to their elderly father anyway, do you?

If you incur expenses solely and exclusively for your Grandfather's benefit, you can claim them back.

Keep all receipts, keep excellent records; but you are not expected to be left out of pocket.

If you expect to spend time on caregiving that would otherwise be spent on gainful employment, then yes you want a caregiving agreement - it's not a bad idea anyway, but it's especially important if your finances need you to be compensated for your time.

What discussions have you had with your grandfather about his care plan?

Thank you Countrymouse. I appreciate your response.
Yes-I apologize, I meant to infer that Wife's POA was also executor for her-and we have no issues there.

Gpa's kids are wanting to have a "say" but it has been much crazy making. They get Gpa all riled up and anxious that he is missing things. Things that he truly doesn't have to worry about. If we try to keep them away, it will be WWIII. So we were hoping after they got over the initial GLEE in the death of their father's wife (who was a wonderful caregiver to him and loved him-but they can't see past their anger) that they would get to the business of just caring for their father. I guess that is not to be expected. My DH is fielding SCREAMING phone calls from his aunt and uncle over this. One uncle gets it and is understanding-and my DH's mother and her other sibs are narcissists. classic textbook.

We have not had the discussion with Gpa about a caregiver agreement with us. I suppose that is the next step. His 20.00 haircut will turn into a 130.00 haircut if we have to drive there to get it done-or hire someone. :(

Can you tell me anything about caregiver agreements?

Here's AgingCare's own article on the subject of caregiver agreements, useful guidelines in it but also check your state's regulations:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm

Bseed- Did you say your grandfather is in assisted living? If so then you should check with them about things like haircuts. They usually have visiting services for that. As for appointments, my parents assisted living facility can call a medi van service (there is a fee) to bring them there and back in the event that family is not available. Like countrymouse said, grandfathers money can and should be used to help with his care. Best of luck.

I've been really down for the past couple months, sorry this will be long..disappointed in my mom and her behaviour towards me and my dad. She demands independence but wants to be waited on hand and foot. Ie: cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, medication management. Her day is like this..she gets up on her own anytime from 06am to 1pm.. It depends on when she went to bed the night before or if she had difficulty sleeping (leg cramps, acid reflux, other ailments). She might shower and dress, my dad lays out a towel, bra and underwear for her. If she does get dressed he tries to be there to help her put on her bra. If she doesn't shower she sits in a chair in her room and watches tv. Takes her blood sugar. My dad cooks her breakfast every morning and brings her medications and the paper. She will read the paper, do soduko puzzle, watch tv and nap until I call her to come to lunch. She may or may not put in her hearing aids, so at the table she rarely says anything. She's always the last one finished and will sit and watch while dad and I clean up. If I don't put out her insulin, she won't bother to get it herself. When I'm close to finishing in the kitchen she gets up and leaves, sometimes she says "thank you" I've suggested that it would seem more like a family event to do the kitchen chores together, my dad pitches in but she refuses.. (although she was fine drying dishes and cleaning out the fridge with my sister last month) she will sit in the living room or work on a puzzle till she decides to go back to her room for a nap. Her room is up a flight of stairs, so understandably it is not fun for her to have to go up and down all the time..but she has no qualms about letting us do it. She would actually prefer that I bring all of her meals up to her, but after physical therapy visited, they encouraged her to get out of her room. I refused to do it and told her so. She was very mad at me. At supper, I go upstairs and let her know it's ready. She may be hungry or may say she doesn't want anything. If she comes down for a meal it's a repeat of lunch. If she doesn't eat, she will come down later on her own and get snacks or something quick from the fridge. She only drinks coke, so we have a constant supply in the fridge for her. At 9pm I take her evening medication to her..and turn her bed back. She may take it while I'm there, one is an insulin pen, and I return it to the fridge. Sometimes when she is irritable she tells me to just leave it..and then I'm not sure when she takes it, sometimes she forgets. If she wants a snack, I used to get that for her, but I've become hardened in being willing to walk up and down the stairs on her whim. She would quiz me on what snacks were available..would I get her another coke? She is incontinent and changes several times a day.. She is disappointed that she has a problem but not enough to change and wear protection. The wing back chair she sits in has been pee'd on many times. . It's not safe to leave her at home by herself.. But she insists that this is where she wants to die..even when it makes it difficult for others. I mentioned that dad does a lot of things for her and she got very sarcastic and angry, this is some type of vengeance for her... They have never had a very good marriage, I wonder that they would have been happier apart. I read a quote and it went like this "for those people that bring you down, resolve to be stronger" so..thank you for letting me rant. And geez, I could have had 431 more characters.

Girl, I have been off line for a while and need to catch up but I am glad to hear things went okay. I have to start those preop test also.

Golden, its just great to hear about your baby kittens and their conquests and growth. You are a great storyteller. So glad to hear you in good place also.

Margeaux, your sister sounds like my twisted in so many ways. I wish you the best in all to the end.

Church, always good advice and good guidance. I mean Countrymouse :)_

Ann, lol the 431 characters was so cute. I have felt that way when I am posting and sharing my heart, not enough words, space or time. I am long winded also and there are folk on board who have patience and love to hear us out and even understand what the cry is about. I find it carthartic to let it all out. Some times I feel silly afterwards or sometimes I am leary on how things are taken but when its all said and done thats what we are here for help.

Welcome aboard, keep posting eventutally you will get the help you seek. There is a lot of beautful loving people on board. As with everything in growth sometimes its a process and not so easy.

Bseed welcome aboard. I am not caught up and I have learned not to put my foot in my mouth by posting stuff from this great memory after I have read a few post.

I am in a good place. I think giving things over to God was the big step. One day I kinda broke down, feeling overwhelmed and plead that he take on my enemies and bound them because it was getting to be to much with so much history.

Now its quiet, and guess what I wonder whats coming up!!! Its like kids playing when they get quiet you know something is up. So its been good. I am still stressed going on camping trip Friday with my client so stressing with the prep, hers and mine. Told DN he didnt respond, found door unlocked on sunday on my way to work, told him that also. Naturally its my fault if something happens because they are unable to see wrong in themselves or their actions.

While at camp I will work on getting pre op testing set up.

Pain in leg is getting so much better slowly but surely, Is it possible that pain just rotates, takes turns on the body areas. Also my client just finished with a mild cold so of course I have gotten that dang congestion. I am also relieved because anytime I got congestion before I went in deep sadness sometimes crying scared it would take me out. I thank God for getting better in so many ways.

Aging is not an easy task. Some days I walk with a rock or limp and other days I have a sprite step then other times the leg just gives out or a sharp pain makes me almost drop. I get accustomed to haveing pain somewhere then it stops and when I realize its gone something is brewing in the arm or another place. Dang!!
Dang DAng. So I tread lightly sometimes if I forget I get an unkind reminder.

My mother is embracing her situation and I am getting adjusted also so its getting alot smoother. I had hard time getting her from the fridge door just standing with it open for a good while. I come down sometimes and the door is left open and the cheese on door is soft and warm.

I dont know what the road is going to bring but I hope APS gets guardianship and then we get a good loving, God sent home health aide. Twisted changed her shirt thursday, she was home that morning so I guess it was for an appointment. I feel a certain way, it takes a lot out of me just getting her fed and to eat. I try with the bathing butshe wont . I do get to brush her hair but she wont let me wash it, so with a home attendant hopefully things will make a big turn for the best.

I know I bend the ear when I post.

Sleep Tight, Ray of love healing and happiness to all.

Frustrated! Closing trust still in works. Trust requires semi-annual reports to beneficiaries. Was never done until attorney for ts2 became involved. Then two years at once prepared by attorney, yet there are charges from mom's (and twisteds) cpa, as recently as February this year. What was that fee for? Will not know unless those reports are provided.

Today attorney emails me to say that I am not qualified to receive reports prior to mom's death. I KNOW that! Emailed back reminded her that there are CPA charges since mom's death, that I am qualified to receive those. Then threatens me that if I file an unfounded objection she will file a motion to have all attorney fees charges to me. Not at all unfounded, I don't think. Just that ts2 did not provide reports as required she would not be found to be entitled to those fees she wants to charge the estate for her lack of management in compliance with the trust.

And L left mom money, not a huge amount. Asked about those funds. Was told that twisteds had declined that gift to provide money for his great grands 😍😍😍. Tugging at my guilt. Argh! I did not authorise my gift to L's grands, wasn't even told about it. I knew about it since I took L to revise his will. Twisteds figured I had no idea.

So, dysfunction continues and will never end. SICK of it!

Golden, A little birdie 🐥 told me that it is your Birthday today, So HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🌺🌻🌼🌷!!! I hope that you are doing something fun, or are just kicking back and enjoying it! 🤙🤙🤙🎂🎂🎂🥂🍹🍻!!!

I love hearing about your kitty adventures! 🐹🐱🐾 It is great fun having "young life" in the home, it just makes life interesting watching their new discoveries every day! As much as I Love my little Charlie 🐶, she will be my last pet ever. I just can't imagine life without her, or even think about her demise, which shouldn't even be a thought for years to come. They are a lot of work, but they certainly do get a stranglehold on your heart!

Have a Great Day Friend! ❤❤❤

Happy Birthday Golden!

Well, I made it through all the pre-op tests and joint replacement class at the hospital yesterday. It took 5 1/2 hours! Today I am nauseous, think it’s remnant of the flu shot I stupidly chose to receive two days ago. Cleared with the OS to get flu shot prior to hip replacement, he says absolutely, given my lung disease, and best to have antibodies built up prior to the surgery. See the pulmy next week, probably will order PFTs, especially since I’m having surgery. Then next Friday I have the CAT scan and cystoscopy. If it doesn’t get me cleared for the hip replacement, maybe all the pre-op stuff I just had will clear me for the next cystoscopy under anesthesia. Not wishing it, but, hey, nothing is easy as we age.
Didn’t even tell the hubs I feel lousy from the flu shot, as he’s so anti-anything medical, I just didn’t want the lecture today.
Had roofer here yesterday to assess slight leak (hubs was home to meet him), he will fix. Just did the whole roof coating a year ago, almost flat roof with the high tech coating. And had plumber here to rebuild old leaky toilet today, which I fear is going to give me a heart attack when I get the next water bill. It started running real bad a few weeks ago, but I’ve just been a wee bit preoccupied here! I keep telling hubs I can’t pay for more than one repair per month, but he’s really a master at the pressure thing. And with all the medical stuff, it’s hard for me to do everything here, being sick myself. Internist sent over referral for podiatrist for me, waiting to hear from them.

In addition to arranging and supervising plumbing issue today, I spent most of the day online, researching affordable inhaler for spouse’s Emphysema. Inhaler prices in the US are ridiculous. With GoodRX coupon, Symbicort is $331/month if you use two puffs per day, not the manufacturer’s recommended 2 puffs 2 times per day. My online lung group suggested a drug importer most all of them use, as most people with lung disease are elderly or cannot work, can’t afford the medicines. My other drug importer company I’ve used previously couldn’t assist with better price. But AllDayChemist has generic Symbicort. The dosages don’t match exactly, so I put the closest ones in an online shopping cart, screen shorted it, and will have hubs ask his pulmy which one would be suitable at his next appointment. I have a doctor appointment the same day, so hubs will have to put on the big boy britches and handle it himself. We shall see.

You all try and stay well. And delegate as much as you are able. Why not? Everybody else does!

Happy birthday Golden!! Hope you are having a wonderful day, doing something nice for you! :)

Happy birthday Golden!!

Girlsailor, many of the drug companies have offers to help you get your meds affordably, maybe ask his Dr? My hubs shots of Tremfaya (sp) cost about $10.ooo. No lie, even with my good insurance I can't afford that! Who can? He gets them for the cost of the dr apt.. some lovely study I am glad someone is doing! Even the cheaper shots for his skin condition are $7,000, and my insurance will pay that.. but why ask when I can get them Free.. Ask the Dr or pharmacist.. they can be very helpful

Unfortunately, all persons on Medicare/Medicaid are prohibited from using manufacturer drug copay reduction cards. It was part of the government gift to insurance companies. That the elderly would pay more than the working public. There are sometimes other income-based drug company assist programs, which I check when I run up against this. Until people are on Medicare, most people don’t know we have to pay a whole lot more than those under 65. A form of government sanctioned genocide against the elderly.

I just need to share. Mom and Dad have been in and out of hospital/ rehab since May when Mom fell and broke her hip. Since then they have been in for falls(nothing broken these past times)), blood pressure issues, suspicion of pneumonia, coumadin issues and more... . Dad just went from rehab BACK to the hospital because his sodium levels are too high. Meanwhile he has been coughing up blood and bedridden. He is exhausted and goes in and out of being able to focus. Just two days ago my sister said the doctor is fairly sure Dad will get back to his "baseline". I just don't think that is possible but I am not a medical expert.

Mom is doing better than Dad on a physical level but she too has been in and out of the hospital then rehab. Every time she goes in she ends up with hospital psychosis which is a nightmare for all.

Anyway I don't see an end to this cycle, every downturn lands them in the hospital which ends up in rehab. I swear each time they go in they come out worse. We siblings are there as much as possible but we can't be there 24/7.

Is this revolving door in and out of hospitals best practice?

At some point, you need to decide, in concert with your parents and siblings, that there is no "fixing" this stuff anymore.

Talk to their providers about palliative care or hospice.

Thank you Barb. Unfortunately my sister has medical POA and both she and my parents are committed to doing everything medically possible to prolong their lives. I am not convinced that all this intervention is even doing that though.

In all fairness sis did have the directive to resuscitate removed in case my Dad has a heart attack. That is a glimmer of sane thinking. For that I am grateful.

Moms directive still states that everything should be done though.

When I brought up hospice the subject was totally dismissed. maybe in time I will bring it up again.

Trying, such difficult times. Hang in there and take care of you.

trying as your name says you are doing your best. One day at a time.

glad - it has to be over some time.

Thank you for birthday wishes. Just another day at the "farm". My dgs wants him and his mother to take me out for a meal. I much appreciate that Moving day here. Dd and dgs are going back home, Dd and dgs and I are having some feelings of sadness at parting company. It's been good for all of us. They will come back for visits and maybe some weekends.

Dgd says she wants to stay with me now and bring her stuff over here later today. If she does I have to clearly establish the house rules with her. I think she and her mum still need to be apart most of the time, My life is never boring!!!

The kitties continue to be a little work and a lot of fun. Well worth the trouble. Rocky, the hisser, hasn't hissed in a while and is more cuddly and trusting. He is badly matted and dd has been cutting out the matts. He tolerates it very well. I think he knew she was grooming him. Pumpkin has an amazing view of life, Most of what happens to him is good and he purrs, but don't get between him and his food!!!! He inhales treats at twice the rate that Rocky does.

The truck is here so better go. Take care all. Life begins at 82!!!

Golden it is good to hear that Rocky is coming around. Having cats myself and wonder do they ever use their teeth for chewing. My sig other's cat Sam is like a hoover vacuum when it comes to something he likes--like treats or food that falls on the floor. Sucks it right up! Lol

Happy belated Birthday🎂🎉

Happy birthday 🎈🎁🎊🎉🎂 Golden
enjoy a wonderful carefree week

Gol dang it, now my Dad has sepsis. One day at a time for sure Golden. Thank you for the reminder and thank you for the cute kitty stories please keep them coming...

Not doing well at all. Completely burned out after at least 6 years and no vacation. Burned out from being wife, cook, ironer, and house cleaner. Who can afford $20 per hour for respite care? #noendinsite