The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, just do what you want and can do. You have dealt with so much for so long. Time for you.

GirlS that makes me feel better, the scapegoat s the most emotionally healthy! I have thought I was, twisteds never could have done what I did. And even after mom passing, they would not be able to do their nastiness if they did not have each other. I like to think that ts2 would have been reasonable and responsible if it weren't for ts1 supporting and encouraging the behavior I have seen. I still just need to stay away from those two if I possibly can.

Mom's estate still unanswered questions. Last time I sent questions to attorney was nearly two weeks ago now. Typical twisted behaviors avoidance. Hopefully that attorney is ethical and remembers it is my mom paying that bill.

Hi all! I have been off line for a good minute and I have not caught up.
Checking in.

Happy belated birthday Golden, I know its around the same time as mine. From what I have caught up on this page, Golden you have every right and really no need to explain. Anyone who cares enough about you will understand and respect your decisions. Enough is enough. The malice of twisteds as narcissists runs deep and no contact if you can help it works.

Barbs as usual, good advice.

Glad thanks for "twisted" perfect word for them I like ts1 and ts2. I live in the same house with my twisted and its always disturbing when I see her. took me a while to see the malice. Now i have nothing left for her and I dread the moment we have to come together.

Margeaux, I hope all is well.

tg, you'll get it one day when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and learn how to say no and mean it.

Girl, I hope all goes well with you with the pain management. You have pending knee replacement surgery? Maybe eventually the pain will be resolved. I am sorry for the suffering in the mean while.


Linda, I understand how you feel.

Well the camp trip was nice of course after the first three days I wanted home. Its times like these that I really miss my mother because we could talk and communicate forchange when I was away for some reason and at work late at night but not long before I am raising my voice in frustration.,

Its getting hard, I need to get counseling on how to deal with her constant rummaging and messing, I cant keep up especially after this trip which was draining. I worked nights but I am not one to miss a meal so my rhythm was really messed up from lack of sleep.

Came home all was fine except the water was like boiling hot, steaming ouch hot soon as its was on, in the faucet. See this is my the gist of my issues. Why did I have to bring to notice that temperature of the water was dangerous for me so imangine and elderly demented person. Why didnt my sister make that connection and this is why I guess there is resentment. I am hoping they see the constant messes she makes. This weekend was hard for me because she was eating poorly and on the move constantly and makeing messes. My patience couldnt handle it sometimes and I have to distance myself a few times of course feeling guilty. I was almost in tears by the time I left for work. I cant for the life of me understand how twisted and n2 cant see she needs a home attendant. She stands in frige picking and mixing and pulling things out. Also the freezer, well the same it just gets overwhelming sometimes. Especiallly seeing a glimpse of her lucidness in between the crazy. Sad hearing her try to speak and communicate, funny I understand the gibberish and sometime the full wording sneaks in. sometimes its cute but this sh*&T hurts real bad.

Sometimes she ignores me, plays possum wont open her eyes even when I am jokingly teasing her. Yesterday morning I was up early which is unusual and I heard her in hallway tell my sister you didn't say you were sorry. I went out and told her Iknow how she is and I know how she talks to my mother like a dog. I dont know what happend but it will kill me to witness anything wrong to my mother.

My birthday was nice., Went on lunch cruise with dear friends and then to a gospel concert which was a long ways. The travelling ikind of got to me. We were all dosing on the way, So I have been very tired trying to recuperated. Ole girl dont take changes to well.

Now I am on verge of surgery in a few days. Yikes.


Rays of love and peace to all.

Duck, I’m glad the time for surgery is finally here. I hope that all goes well and that you recuperate completely.

DDuck, you just go have a good sleep, get that surgery, and take a mental break. You cannot, nor are expected, to do it all!
For me, my nap is a week from today. I see surgeon tomorrow, will pick up my liver medication tomorrow when I’m out, and get a few groceries we are totally out of. Will be a big day. It’s total hip first, then both knees, one at a time. It will be a rough couple of years, as I’m not in the best shape. Husband needs to take good care of himself so I can do this!

Everybody, I have to finish cooking dinner, but want to wish you all a peaceful evening!

There is no try!

Anybody missing CMagnum?

Send - take a look at the name of the OP of this thread. cmagnum changed his screen name.

Golden, I completely understand being done with dysfunction function. A suicide in the family brings it all front and center. Take care of you first.

Yup, Sharyn, nor wonder the dysfunction in my family. Fifty plus years now.

And so good to see you posting.

Golden, in answer to your question no we don't give our kitties hairball ointment but did discuss this at the vet appt today. Daniel got more bloodwork done. We will have the results on Wednesday.

I totally understand no contact with siblings. I have often been the scapegoat. I refuse to be that person anymore. They've freeze framed me into that. But I'm tearing that picture up. If it means limited contact, so be it. The dysfunction in my family goes much too deep to be reconciled. I realize that now. Too much water under the bridge. We are too deeply relegated to our various roles within the family dynamic for change to be possible. To quote a movie line "Baby won't be pushed into a corner anymore"

I don't blame you for not going to the service one bit Golden. Guard your heart at all costs.

Dad has a lady friend from church, Its OK, she keeps him out of the house. The issues is I know her from before he moved in and I don’t like her at all. Long story short, she was married for a long time. Her husband passed away, she moved here got friendly with a widower in church (who I knew), they got married, he passed away and his daughters kicked her out of his house because the daughters now owned it. The lawyers said she had no recourse or anything in writing to state she was allowed to live there.
 
A close friend calls me asking about this lady as he knows I know her. She cuddled up to his dad and moved in with him, pressuring him to marry her and for him to add her to the deed to both his properties so she could live there the rest of her life. Of course the kids intervened and he understood. She breaks up with him only to come back for another round and then breaks up again, broke his heart. My friend tells me this in the middle of this as he knows I know her. Now she has taken up with my dad. He has less then no assets. Apparently I hope she is aware of this.
 
Recently she finds my daughter at church and tells her there is a rumor the family of the second husband thinks she took all the second husbands money and spent it. Apparently they are now doing some analysis. She tells my daughter there may be a rumor about it, I have no idea why she would even say that.... So now my dad is telling my siblings all about it. I know way more that he thinks I know, he doesn't know I have a past with this lady and he is telling my sibling I don’t like her. Gee I wonder why.
 
She did spend much of her second husbands money by taking him on many world travels. He did enjoy them so you can’t say she took the money. This lady has a mission, "to be taken care of".
 
The same issue came up when she took my dad on a "free trip", only to come back to have a $1,000 bill he had to pay, apparently the other gentlemen friend who was supposed to go on the trip with her the first time backed out and wanted his money back so dad who took his place had to pay up!
 
This is all in like a few years so I can’t make all this up.
 
I have a very watchful eye on my dad, she is a master manipulator. Thank goodness he has no assets and she ain't moving in here! She has been trying to maneuver her way into my child’s wedding which is coming soon, my child does not like her either.
 
I have to recheck dads policies to be sure she doesn't con him into signing over a life policy (I manage one of them). I tell you , between the emails and phone calls of people trying to steal old people’s money and the ones in your own town, it is becoming a full time job! Talk about burning me out!

Glad, yes many years!! So much going on. My brother had the drain removed from the gall bladder. The tube for feeding was removed. He is a soft diet which is much better.

Dd’s fil bought the boys nurf guns did their birthday. E shot at him, hit his eye which caused so much bleeding he has been taking 4 different stops a day. He can’t see out of eye yet. Poor man, he started coughing over the weekend. My sil took him to er yesterday. He has pulmonary embolisms. He was admitted for observation because they are waiting to see if his eye will heal before they start blood thinners for the blood clots in his lungs. He may lose his eye.

Take care everyone!

My friends-
Wishing all of us some positives today. We all have so much on our plates! Reading and giving what support we can, does seem to be helpful. Just naming what the fear is, or the source of sadness or unhappiness is sometimes helpful.

I had my consult with my surgeon, got all my concerns on the table. He will be consulting with pain management doctor to come up with a game plan for post-op. He is going to defer to the anesthesiologist, for anesthesia selection, with consideration for my own preferences. What I don’t like is that my very first contact with anesthesia will be with a member of the anesthesia group, but most likely won’t be the same person who will actually be responsible for my anesthesia. And I don’t like the fact I don’t get to speak with the actual anesthesiologist until I’m in the OR. I feel like my needs aren’t even being considered with this wham bam anesthesia process. But it is what it is.

The surgeon hit me with a gut punch today. He advised my 20+ year old left hip replacement is wearing out, that I won’t get even a decade out of it. I was praying the next three joint replacements would be it. So, I’m going to need four, with the revision being more complicated, made me so depressed, as I have suffered my entire lifetime with the stinking birth defect, both hips. But like everybody here, I just have to dig deep and pull out my inner Wonder Woman.

Amen to what everyone is saying.
Sharyn so good to see you posting again Glad your bro is making progress. Hope the little guy recovers quickly. I know you and glad understand the effects of a family suicide.

Prayers for those facing surgery. That is one thing I have to be very thankful for. Other than having kids and a tonsillectomy when I was preschool I haven't needed any surgeries.

I am sore (stress and fm) and exhausted from the emotions attached to all of this. My sis has emailed asking why she hasn't heard from me. She will soon and won't like what I have to say (that I am not going east for the funeral). R picked up the urn from the crematorium in E'ton and his car broke down right afterwards. Hopefully he will get it in the mail today. He is busy sourcing and pricing parts (does his own repairs). There are a few things hanging before the estate business can be finished. One is a donation for a stained glass window for the cathedral where mother went. They have been extremely slow in responding but I think it is on the way now. The money will not go to them until, at least, I have approved their choices. There are a few other matters unfinished but by and large it is moving along nicely.

What I am facing these days is the pain that my sister has caused me all my life. I know to heal I need to acknowledge it. In my early teens i had one year at home with my parents without my sister who had been sent overseas for her education. I remember it as a peaceful year despite mother's borderline disorder This has come back to me at various times underscoring the role she played in setting me up and triggering mother's . anger at me. It happened again and again and again over the years. The best I could do was limit contact with both of them. Now mother is gone and soon I can cut contact with my sister completely. It has been a long time coming. I can finally be rid of the toxicity.

The kitties are such a wonderful diversion, The other evening Pumpkin sat watching a beefy tenor sing "Girl of My Dreams" on the Lawrence Welk show. So funny!!! They go outside regularly now and LOVE climbing the maple tree and skulking in the shrubbery and pouncing on little things in the grass. For now I can leave the garage back door and the door from the garage to the house sightly open so they can come and go. That will not work when it gets colder. The second day they went out there was a great deal of cawing and screeching from the crows, the magpies and the blue jays. A large raven looked down at Pumpkin from the roof. Pumpkin eyed him back, but stayed in my arms till he flew away, Rocky is braver and (unsuccessfully) rushed a magpie about the same size as he is. The larger birds weren't around today. I heard the squirrel scolding, but haven't seen him. Both kitties are flaked out on the sofa now, tired from all their activities and the fresh air. They are growing and more energetic so it is a blessings that they can safely let off steam outside.

Take care all. Look after yourselves. Group ((((((((hug)))))))

Golden, so happy you have those kitties!🐱

Girl, sorry to hear about those joint replacements coming up. L, stepdad, had a hip revision which was the lead in to my caregiving years. He was 84, I think, at that time. Nearly two months in rehab, brain was anesthesia fussy for about three weeks, then he was back to his baseline. Best wishes on all of those.

Golden no surgeries? I am impressed.

Sharyn, was FIL hit in the eye with Nerf or one of the boys? How old are they now?

Thinking of all of you.

Girl my prayers and best wishes through surgery and recovery, God Speed.

I am getting more anxious as the surgery nears. I guess its only natural, going through realizing how helpless I may be and sorting what I will need to do to enhance and ease my recovery like purchasing a fridge for my room, something I should have way back. So I dont have to walk two flights to get food and also to store food from my mothers reach. Nothing to big small apartment size. Just where to put it and then make it happen. I am also in my nature with the anxiety. Although so far I havent had an attack. I spoke to doctor and with the mention of the posibility of admission I went to an emotional tearful roller coaster ride.

Glad the kitten stories are lovely. I am know they are just babies now and will be able to fend for themselves as they mature, I just never thought of cats being prey for larger birds. That sounds scary. But then I do watch nature and have seen a rabbit get scooped up. It must be very beautiful and lovely living around so much nature. Awesome no surgeries.

About the sister thing, I truly understand where you are coming from. Sad to here any type of ugliness especially intentional and from a sibling. My resentment and anger towards my sister is something I have to resolve and totaly let go as if she never existed but I cant forget.

I have lots of things to sort out. I have to make N2 aware that I will be unable to care for my mother for those first few days or more. (Just realizing that). Whatever happens I do know that I am a throoper even if I am not as strong or young, just have to take a deep breath and brace myself.

One thing I do know is that I will be checking out that joke forum to cheer myself up and give me things to smile about.

So even if I am not on line for the next few days, you are all in my heart. I think of you all with every event happy or sad.

Rays of love light and healing to all.

Good night, Sleep tight.

The very best of luck to you, Duck! Do you have someone who will be accompanying you to and from the surgery?

Thinking of you all and especially those most affected by 9/11,

(((((((Duck))))) I know your health suffered.

Duck, thinking of you and hope all goes well with the surgery.

Like Barb asked. You have someone going with you for surgery?

girl ((((((hugs))))) so many surgeries and other health issues. I hope sharing helps. It does help me. "Inner Wonder Woman" I like that. 😄 Sometimes its just one step at a time.

Glad, the boys are 5. Father in law was hit in the eye with a nerf bullet. The blood thinners they are giving him will not affect the eye thankfully. The blood clots formed in his calf apparently from him lifting heavy furniture during their move back to Idaho.

Duck, take care and wishing you speedy recovery.

sharyn - I got it wrong - thought it was one of the boys that was hurt. So glad not. They are growing up fast!

tg - sounds like dads girlfriend is a real case. Good to keep an eye on things

gershun - any answers from the vet? We do worry about our fur babies.

I know I am scattered with my responses. This time leading up to the burial service is stressful. I am in touch with the cousins and am not sure at this point if any will be going. We are all older and less mobile. I have written my sis that I will not be there. The urn was shipped today - hopefully it will arrive in good time with no problems. The headstone is cleaned and engraved and that is paid for. Thankfully I have very good supportive people at the lawyers (the paralegal) and at mother's tax accountants. I do appreciate them.

Kitties are travelling out of the back yard I think now. One or the other is taking longer to come when I call. The grassy back lanes are pretty safe - never had a problem with any other cats I have had.. Eventually they will find their way out front where the road is. That concerns me more, but my other cats have all figured it. They come quickly when I rattle the bag of treats and they respond to being called. Pumpkin especially follows me around like a dog!!!

Today I am wiped so early to bed. G'night all.

Nightly, night Golden and all. Sleep well.

The boys went to kindergarten for one week. The teacher said they are too far behind the others. The majority of the kids in their class is 8 months to a year older. They need more time for small muscle development and being able to execute directions.

Found out today they are putting me on the schedule first, Monday morning. Nervous, but glad to be getting this problem hip done. Then the other surgeries....
Anyhow, with the new drive thru joint replacements, not much more cost cutting Medicare can do to us Seniors. Unless they start denying joint replacements.
Sore, been pushing to get house cleaned up, tie up loose ends. Prescription runs, cooked dog food to freeze today. Tomorrow hair appointment. Cleaned kitchen, living room, hall today. Tomorrow will have to clean the master suite. Then the screened cat room Saturday. Sunday will be bed linens, towels, laundry, and finish setting up my sick room. Wishing me luck, and all my friends here!

Dduck, good luck with your surgery!

Girlsailor, good luck with your surgery too!

Golden, I completely support your staying home for your Mom's internment, it will do you no good being subjected to the stressors of your sister as well as the travel to get there. You my friend have done your fair share in the care of your Mom and her estate. It's beyond time you begin to put yourself first!

I'm so glad that your kitties are bringing you such joy, I Love cats but unfortunately I'm allergic to them, or else I would have a couple myself. There is something about their curiosity that amuses me. All animals are precious in my eyes! I know my Charlie-girl is a kick in the pants! Much love to you!

SharynmM, my goodness, a nerd arrow to the eye, Ouchie!
Gosh, I know my own Grandsons have these type toys and I never thought of the nasty possibilities that could come from them, you just assume that they are safe because they are soft and spongie. I do hope that the othe Grandad heals up well from both his ailments!

And Gosh darn SharynM, I can't believe that the twins are already 5 years old, boy the time goes quickly! My youngest Grandson is now 5 also, and just began Kindergarten, you blink and then they are 10 like my other Grande! Nice to hear your brother is improving as well! I hope that your back is improving!

TG, hang in there with your Dad! Those Sweetheart Scammers are the Worst! I guess that is the only good thing about him Not having any money, she won't be able to gouge him out of any!

Love to all my friends on this thread, who helped my through so many years of stress! I try to read all the posts!

Oh yes Golden, I should have posted this. Daniel's blood work came back totally normal. They checked for everything too. Liver, kidney, pancreas, thyroid, everything is within normal levels. Go figure! So why the vomiting? Who knows. My DH was away for three weeks working and the vomiting started then and then slowly stopped after he came back. So maybe Daniel was just missing his Daddy. Expensive though if this is all it was. $400.00 dollars for bloodwork/consultation just after we got through paying $2500.00 for his cancer removal. If it hadn't been for the fact that he had just had cancer removed I probably wouldn't have even bothered with the blood work but I was worried the two things might be connected.

But he is healthy...................that is the important (but expensive) thing. Whew! Next cat I get is going to have pet insurance. You can be sure of that.

Thx for asking Golden.

sharyn - oh dear, They are young for their group. Will your dd pull them out ad will that present child care problems? My middle son was too young for his grade one year but missed the cut off by 1 day. I suggested they leave him in preschool another year but they wouldn't -rules are rules, I said it would be harder on him harder on me and harder on them and it was, but he survived,

girl -you are awfully busy. Glad you have the energy to get all this reparation done. Don't wear yourself out now!

stacey - thanks - I agree all animals are precious, especially our pets.😉 I am ready for a long break - can't come soon enough.

gershun - so glad you kitty is OK. I know vet stuff can get very expensive. Probably he was missing his dad.

Having emailed my sis that I was not coming and about some estate stuff, I got an email today from her that was a cc to the lawyer about something sis wants the lawyer to do for her though the lawyer is supposed to take instructions from me only. She said nothing to me at all about the rest of the email so I can assume she is mad at me for my decision not to go. I have never ever had any words of appreciation or thanks of any kind from her regarding what I have done for mother - nada, zip, zilch - only criticism. I don't need it and will be glad when the need for any contact is over.

The acting dean for the cathedral called today and outlined his ideas for a set of stained glass windows, in the theme of reconciliation with indigenous peoples, the work to be done by an indigenous artist. They want the windows in bright light colours so the light coming into the cathedral is not cut down much. I think mother would like that When she volunteered in Haiti she was very fond of art done by local artists and liked to see it promoted. They will start doing what they can with the donation then look for more donations to complete the set. I have no idea how detailed a proposal is needed for the money to be handed over. So far it is just ideas and an email. He assured me I would be invited to the unveiling - whatever. I am not big those things but would have to go

Feeling sad tonight that my family, such as it was, and wasn't, really isn't any more. Feeling sad about friends who have passed and who are ill and aging. Feeling thankful that I am as well as I am, and have the life I have.

Someone mentioned "no surgeries". That must come from my father's side . Mother had lots of surgeries. My father and his two sisters had none. They passed at ages 81, 86 and 97. I am very fortunate that way.

Take care. Today is all you have. Be good to you.

My mom's mom lived to 101. I remember her saying that the hardest thing about getting old and living so long was losing so many friends. Mom lived to 90, she didn't remember any friends. So sad, such a long slow decline.

Gershun, glad to hear that your kitty is bloodwork came back normal. Some kitties get sick from eatting to fast, drinking to much water in one hit, (my favorite) fur balls (yuk), chewing on things they shouldn't, and stress! But you probably knew these things:)