Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
Exsister,

I am unclear about your inheritance question. How did your father leave his money, to mom or to you and your sisters? Did your sister steal money from mom, or did you refuse your inheritance?

Frankly it sounds like you are being manipulated. You are missing classes because mom " neds" to be driven are one? Needs to or wants to? Can't her MD appointments be made around your schedule? Are you able to say "no mom, I can't do that"?

Mom trying to get you to stay by promising an inheritance also sounds like manipulation.
(5)
Report

Absolute exhaustion here. Woke in the wee hours, pretty normal for me. Had slept past pain meds dose, so caught myself up on medication schedule when I woke up. I’m using ice on my new hip, trying to get needed relief with cold therapy, so I can get by with the split painkiller tablets. Guess my exhaustion is from Monday’s surgery, and hospital stay. I will have to do pet care in an hour, so no point trying to go back to sleep. Since I’m doing most of my own care, I’ve been splitting the low dose of painkiller tablets, taking half doses. Surgeon is aware I’m doing this, taking the bare minimum of the pain meds. Medication sensitivities controlling my life.
My home Health person comes for four hours today. She scoops cat litter boxes. Plan for her to change my bed, wash sheets and towels, do laundry, maybe do floors, or at least kitchen floor. I need help with the homemaking type things, as Medicare wouldn’t be paying for those assistance needs anyhow.
My head is swimmy! How on earth do people manage things like retrieving property tax bills online, paying electronically, when cognition declines?! My thought processes are really struggling, and it’s only temporary. I can’t imagine how a person with early Alzheimer’s can even do the bare minimum of their self care. Things that should take maybe 15 mins, are taking me an hour or more right now, as I can’t mentally focus. Caring for myself and my hubs practically demands I wean off post-op pain medicine. How on earth are the elderly doing this when in cognitive decline?! Really struggling to provide care right now.
(4)
Report

Girlsaylor,

It sounds like you need to to have someone else to do all of that caregiving for your husband plus take care of you after surgery. It sounds like too much. Who took care of your husband while you were in the hospital having surgery?
(2)
Report

Yay on the trust closing Glad!

Stacey - Best of luck with your dental issues. I hope they are resolved soon.

Duck - It's good to hear your surgery went well!! Here's to a speedy recovery :)

Girl - Give yourself what you need to mend and recover. Hope you are well soon.

Exsister - You can love your Mom without being her servant or cheating yourself out of what you need. good luck to you.

The wake for my Dad was last night. Thank goodness there were no major incidents and Mom did fine. Still it was stressful and I'm glad it is over.

Today I am taking it easy. My girlfriend invited me over for sweets and tea. She knows just what I need right now. Good friends are such a blessing!
(7)
Report

Today I stepped down the painkiller Hydromorphone to Oxycodone. I was splitting the hydro pills, did the same, splitting the Oxy today. Definitely not as much pain relief, but adding Tylenol 3 hours after the heavy stuff, so there’s always something in my system when one wears off. Surgeon also has me on Celebrex. I don’t want to take the opioid painkillers longer than necessary, goal is to wean to Celebrex and Tylenol, as my body will allow. Current meds cocktail isn’t dropping heart rate too bad. Blood pressure is on the low side, so I can’t tolerate the whole tablets of opioid painkillers. Using lots of gel ice packs, ice machine. The surgeon stitched and glued the incision, applied waterproof dressing. So I can shower as I feel able, no tub baths yet. I don’t really do anything to get dirty, so have settled on shower every other day, wash the head. On alternate days, using the bath wipes to freshen up. I think I’ll be back on my feet quickly. Need to get off these heavy meds and get my oxygen back up a bit higher. Plus, I don’t like being dependent on somebody else for transporting me anywhere.
i have stopped the Cholestyramine for the BAM temporarily, to try and avoid the terrible constipation side effect of the opioids.
The home health caregiver is a godsend, did up sheets, towels, laundry, washed kitchen floor, ran sweeper, cleaned bathrooms for me. Scooped cat boxes. Exactly the things I needed first time around. Was a bit for me to be up and showing her where things are kept, but she got right at is. Hubs stayed out of her way, went very well so far this week. I was glad for the meatloaf I had frozen, to bake for dinner. Easy to pop into oven, add a couple sides. Hubs helped clear the table, so I’m back lying down. Doing my exercises next.
everybody, take care!
(5)
Report

BarbBrooklyn, thanks for your thoughtful response and questions. Without going into too many details here (I am aware that my sisters might come read this), my father left everything to my mother in a handwritten will but it was invalid because he had no witness sign it. He did this at least twice (my mum found the wills after he died). He told us years before he died that everything was to go to mum snd to me after her if I looked after her, because he did not trust my sisters. I refused to accept my inheritance because I believed it was impossible to honour a promise to protect my mum as I knew my sisters would step in as soon as my father died. Also I wanted him to stop talking about death and try to stay alive. When he died the will was invalid because it had no witness signature so my sisters got a cut each. I was given a cut but refused it. I refused it again yesterday when my mum tried to get me to take it. I think the family would bd more comfortable if I lowered my moral standards so they could stop feeling guilty. I want to keep the option to walk away with my dignity.
(3)
Report

NoTryDoYoda, thanks, you are right. It is giving me some comfort to know that I am not being paranoid. I keep doubting myself.
(3)
Report

Glad, I sure hope this closes everything with your moms estate. You can finally put the twisted 2’s out of your life.

Duck, happy to hear your surgery is over and your are recovering nicely.

Stacey, I hope your dental issues are resolved quickly. Take care and thinking of you.
(4)
Report

My BIL passed away yesterday. Been a long 9 years. He had a stroke 9 years ago and has been in a NH since. The NH has been awesome the entire time given he had no insurance or assets. Suffice to say lots of paperwork over the years.
The last 2 months has been tough for him. Hospitalized for breathing issues and sepsis. The hospital wanted to place him in hospice. In much discussion with the NH they and we decided to not place him in hospice (same bed), he started to come back and respond to treatment. As of last week he had been getting somewhat better and was able to talk a little bit.
Sunday early AM the nurse checked on him, he was OK and the next check 2 hours later he passed.
Being 1800 miles away is a bit of a challenge to manage everything. I was advised to find a FH with no recommendations. So I went on line to find one. We knew he would be cremated. A FH Director friend offered some advice prior to my call. I looked up a direct cremation service in the local area and called them. In less than 2 hours we were able to have him picked up and and for the lack of a better term "processed". We had everything done via email and paid for and his cremains will be shipped to our home so we can then bury him in another state with his parents. He had no assets, no insurance so we are paying for it out of the little savings he did have that we put away when he had his stroke. The company offered a $695 package, which to me sounded crazy being that up north it cost $1300 10 years ago for just cremation. The NH uses this company all the time I found out. Not to sound crass but this was unbelievable. There are cheaper companies. They will also ship him to our home via USPS for a $125. fee (USPS is the only way you can ship cremains).
We thought we would have to use a FH here or fly across the country at a huge expense. The company was very professional and made it easier for my wife. Doing all this makes me and my wife have conversations on having better directives for us, we have will, living wills etc and I have lots of instructions on business plans but just what about final arrangements.
So Its been a long road, I have a file drawer that I can now put into a storage box. Not making weekly calls to the NH anymore is kind of sad as much as it was work to get things done. This was my wife's final family member so it is sad for her. She did not have a close relationship with him growing up and she has challenging memories of him so it is sad on many levels. We will bury him with the rest of the family in the spring so she can process all of the emotions which will come up. One thing about my wife with all of this she is pretty tough on the outside, inside there is a lot going on. I have to do an obit but really there is no one to notify except one friends daughter who just happened to reach out to us a couple weeks ago and I let him know about it. I guess an online obit? No one to read it in his area except the town he lived in for 30 years. Do I just do a posting about him? Anyway.
(7)
Report

I'm sorry for your and your wife's loss, TG.
(3)
Report

Exsister, would another option be to counsel your mother against moving closer to people she is afraid of?

Unless you can say, hand on heart, that you agree that her moving nearer them would be in her best interests, I'd have thought you owe it to her to fight her corner on this one. Are there any pressing reasons for the move other than one comparatively pleasant visit?

And then, you may feel you're up against the entire family but there are other allies, perhaps, who have been more closely involved in your mother's care in recent years. Doctors and other health professionals might well have something to say about her plans, and radical change tends not to be a good idea.
(4)
Report

TG, I am sorry for the loss of your BIL, especially for your wife. Now maybe your life will be a bit simplified anyway.

Ok, what the heck! E-mail from attorney settling the estate thanking for sending the documents. Instead of sending check and two pieces of jewelry by FedEx, ts2 wants to deliver?! Or I can pickup in the attorney's office; nope that is not going to happen.

But, why deliver, this makes me angry! And a bit depressed. Gloat? Maybe charge the trust for three hours? Doesn't believe I have a new home? Doesn't believe I am living in this town? I do not get it. I am not sure what I am feeling, maybe the impending closure of it all that I have had to carry for EIGHT years? I just do not know the answer at all. Maybe ts2 will bring the peace pipe? She better not think of bringing ts1! Not at all sure what to think.

Ts2 and I had quite a nice lunch the day mom passed, did not talk about anything, really, that I remember anyway. It was at one of L's favorite spots, Red Lobster.

Floundering......
(3)
Report

TG, sorry to hear about the loss of your Dear BIL. I hope you and your wife can find solace in that he didn't suffer so in the end, and that he is now in peace. Take Care!

Glad, hmmm, T2 wants to personally hand you a check and some of your Mom's jewelry? That sounds weird! If she doesn't believe that you actually now live in This town, or in your Brand New Home, just ask her to send the Return Receipt, that way she will be assured that the items were actually picked up at your residence, lol!

My guess is that she's just being nosey, and is trying to work her way back into your life, Beeee Careful, and Maybe meet her at the RL? Do you think that she has more things to give to you over and about these couple of things? At any rate, you do what is comfortable for you! Glad that it is finally over, or is it.....
(3)
Report

Will it ever be over?
(5)
Report

Gladimhere, I wonder the same thing!
(2)
Report

Glad, "will it ever be over? ", I'm thinking that will be on you, my guess is that your Ts has finally seen her mistakes of the past, and has realized that she now wants you in her life in some way, perhaps she has had issues with your other sister (T1), and now wants some relationship with you, wanting to reconcile with you for the way she treated you so poorly.

The sisterly bond is a difficult one, so many times on here we read about estrangement and often after the fact, they see the error in their ways and want to rekindle, but the pain of their actions cuts deep and it's hard to get back to any previous relationship with them. As I said before, be careful, unless you are sure they truly mean to be a better person.

As you know, I have 3 sisters, in all of our adult years, we have only ever had 1 falling out, it was over the care of our Dad due to the ones being so I'll with Anemia, (even she didn't know until after) ) exhausted and having Caregiver Burnout (isn't it always?), and it had nothing to do with me, but I was directly affected and I did try my best to be the catalist for repair of those 2's relationship, they both saw how terribly it affected all 4 of us. It did eventually resolve itself, it took a year, apologies were made, but the hurt feelings took a long time to go away, and still 15 years later there is an occasional (private) conversation about it, there was a lot of tiptoeing around them both until finally things got better. In hindsight it was a total misunderstanding, what a waste of time we will never get back, grrr!

I know that your situation is completely different than mine, and I don't know how close you sisters were before you were Caregiving for your parents, so only you know how this might play out with this particular sister, but I do hope it is to your satisfaction, as you were the one so hurt by their actions. I know that not everything can be resolved, even with time, sadly. Take Care my friend, you do what's best for you!
(3)
Report

I am a product of my environment and poor sentence construction by a highly educated attorney. What her email actually meant to say is that check and jewelry were being delivered to the attorney's office to send to me FedEx. 😛
(4)
Report

Countrymouse, you could be psychic, because she actually figured that out for herself. She has had a few phone conversations with them and it sounds like they have had a falling out again. She didn't say much to me about them but she is not as keen to spend time with them now. She also reminded me that she has great friends and an excellent doctor here. But of course she could change her mind again tomorrow... Thanks for the advice. It has helped me to see things clearly.
(1)
Report

TryingMyBest, thanks for the reminder that I am entitled to a life too. Though I suppose the reason we are all here on this site is because we all feel bound by a sense of duty. It is hard to think of ourselves when vulnerable people depend on us, but we must because we deserve happiness too.
(2)
Report

Not all of us bound by a sense of duty. Me, it was because I was accused of financial exploitation after about a year caring for mom and stepdad. I was then investigated by APS, then the court appointed guardian and conservator. Had I left I would have looked guilty, I wasn't, APS closed their case. But, not good enough for twisteds. I had no choice. They even went so far to try to get the court to order statements from my investment accounts. The court would not order that disclosure. I guess the twisteds were hoping they would find some large unexplained deposits, oh, yeah, I forgot about that money tree in mom's backyard.
(4)
Report

My 4 sisters who never offered caregiving assistance to me over past 4 yrs (both parents) are threatening to put mom into AL and medicate her against her wishes. She is 90. Manageable in the home. She wants to remain in home. I am livid with sisters and very worried for my mom. Disheartened these days... sigh
(3)
Report

If mom is competent it is her choice where she lives. Who has her POA's? My experience three girls is a terrible way to grow up. It is always two on one.

You are the caregiver? I was too. Never could figure out how twisteds figured mom would be better off in memory care. She absolutely wasn't. I will be holding onto something ts2 said to me, "mom would have been better off at home". I knew it then, they had no clue. Mom had impossible behaviors that sent her for geriatric assessments several times. And she needed 24/7 caregivers, additional cost, on and off for two years. Moves are very hard on those with dementia.
(3)
Report

Thank you all for the kind comments on my wife's brother passing. It is a little weird that I have one less thing to worry about now but my dad fills that gap quickly.
Being that there are really no friends and his family to take note I did not have to put an obit in the local papers in his state. I put it online on my social media to let my family and friends of my wife be aware. Of course the usual people offer kind condolences to my wife which is very nice and appreciated.
The one thing that really bugs me is my father who lives in our home has said nothing to my wife. Not even an I am sorry for your loss.
When I did tell him he passed, he asked if I told my wife yet. Like I am going to to tell him first? He never listens to the story.
My one sibling did off an 4 word "sorry for your loss" on social media but not even a phone call to her only inlaw on this side of the family. I am not sure what we have done to our family to generate such blank emotion. We care for my father at great expense, we do all the things necessary and yet when it comes time for family interaction we get nothing.
I guess I should be grateful for not having drama. It is just dishearting that my wife has no family left on her side it would be nice for her to have some on this side to make up for it, but alas no.
(2)
Report

Hi all Lots going through lots of things

glad those operated on are recovering well = keep us updated

trying - yes friends are great. Glad you have a good one.

exsister -you can leave the toxic people in your life behind. I am doing that

tg - my condolences on your loss. You did very well for your bil. Re blank emotion on the part of your relatives, you did not cause this and you cannot fix it. It's them not you.

stacey - look after yourself. Those years of care-giving take a big toll in many ways.

glad - I hope it is over. From my experience, sister has not changed - still toxic and I need to avoid her.

chris - things may get worse before can be made better

Today mother's ashes are being buried in the east and, obviously, I am not there, but that does not mean I am not having feelings about it.

Life has been a little hectic. My granddaughter moved out after staying 10 days, I had just about got my house back to where it was and was looking forward to a time when I could concentrate on my stuff when that situation reached a crisis point again and dd and dgs moved back in about a week ago. This time it looks like the best thing is for them to stay a while till dgd gets more help. Oh my!

In the meanwhile, that smoky condo came up for sake again at a quite reduced price and I drove down yesterday and we are going to view it again this evening. It could be a good deal.

Feeling a little overwhelmed today which isn't surprising.

Big (((((((hugs))))) everyone. Do something good for you.

The kitties are growing and growing and so much fun.
(8)
Report

TG, I totally hear ya! My husband's Dad was the exact same way! He was the most unappreciative person I ever met. So many times I tried to get him to acknowledge just how much his son did for him, but it was Rare that he ever even said a Thank You, it was sickening!

On the times that I did call him out on it such as " it would be nice if you said Thank you for fixing your dinner every stinking night", he would lie to my face and say that he did, and that in fact he said so all the time, which was infuriating, and in the end completely useless, as it only upset me, and nothing ever changed, he was a Complete Narcissist.

If something had happened and I was obviously upset by it, he was oblivious, he only ever was concerned about his own creature comforts, never showed any concern for anyone else., ever!

It is very hard to Love and to care for someone like this in your home for any great length of time, and like you, we did it for many years. It breaks your spirit, and believe me, it takes a long time to recover, 2 years later, I'm still working on it.

I guess that is why I have been hard on you over the years, because I see my own situation in yours, and I SO want you to be free of the chains that weigh down your life, but believe me I know how hard it is to break free.

You may remember that we did finallymove him into AssistedLiving, but it was short lived, about 12 weeks until he became ill, fell, was hospitalized, dx'd with Cancer and came back to our home for the remaining 9 weeks of his life, on Hospice.

We definitely would have done it completely different, if we had to do it all over again. There are ways to do it even with little money, well You Know! TakeCare!
(6)
Report

Received the FedEx today. Almost done, small amount held back for last expenses to attorney etc. But, of course one last hiccup. Taxes for the trust were not filed in 2017, the year mom passed. Now this means I will need to file a correction. TS2 no clue about much.
(2)
Report

Gladimhere, I know how that feels. I was accused on social media of living off my mother even though I pay her rent and help her with everything. I keep records of all our expenses so I will be able to defend myself if they take me to court at some time in the future. Be very careful dealing with people who are willing to stoop so low.
(2)
Report

Golden23, thank, and I know you are speaking sense, but I care about Mum so I am tied to my awful sisters. One consolation is that she knows what they are like because they have been very emotionally cruel to her too, and she says would cut off all contact with them if they didn't have children.
(2)
Report

New changes on the website this morning!

I noticed there are new hugs. (Maybe someone can test them out by sending me one, I sure would like some hugs).

The click box for private messages is on the left now.

It takes so very little to make my day nicer.

Has anyone noticed other changes?
What are they?
(3)
Report

I get it with dad, cant change him. As he told my wife years ago, "I never say thank you", I thought he was joking, turns out it is true. He just cares about himself. AS long as he is being served all is good.
Tired of it TBH.
I break my back to help others all the time, I never ask for anything in return.
Oh well.
Just put all the BILs files in a box to go upstairs with the rest of the families files... Feels kind of weird. We are getting some money back from his trust account at teh NH so we will donate it back for them to buy art supplies for the residents. It is the least we can do
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter