The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

TG, dad will fill up the gap quickly? Only if you let him.

A glitch in expectations. Just found out.
Hubs said work hours 4:30 p.m. to 9 p.m. as I went to sleep last night.
His alarm went off this morning, work is 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
Good Morning!!!!!

Sharyn, you out there? Are you in the blizzard area?

sacey - your fil was a classic narcissist. I know you are not over the years of caregiving yet.

glad -you are nearly done with it. It must be quite a relief to be just about finished with the years of wrangling,

exsister I hung in there with mother as she needed someone even though she was a narc as well as my sister, I got it in the neck from both mother and my sister. The best I could do was detach and keep distance. Look after yourself.

send - nice to have some of the hugs back

tg - it must feel weird not to have bil to care for any more, Re "I break my back to help others all the time, I never ask for anything in return." Maybe it is time to pull back a bit from helping others and just look after you and your wife,

I am in a blizzard area - unexpectedly. The forecast said the snow was to be further south, but we got it this afternoon. I got chilled and got the sore throat back I had from visiting the smoky condo. Hopefully tomorrow will be drier and warmer. If not I will head back Monday with the smoky black kitty for socialization. Should be fun!

Surprised that the blizzard went so far north, Golden. It didn't sound like it would. That smoky condo is not the one.

Golden, stay in and warm and safe until that storm lifts. We are out 2-3 weeks from average first snow date. We have had an eighteen year drought for a September snow. I love winter and snow, even better if I can stay in, which I try to plan. We do not get the long periods of absolutely frigid temps that happen further north.

Got the furnace filter changed!

Here was such a wet spring and summer that the colors are late. They are saying this week, will be peak. I love the colors of fall. Hopefully the significant snow will wait until the leaves drop, it creates so many problems when it doesn't.

stacey - sorry for the typo

glad - the worst here was in southern AB - it was not expected this far north Thankfully it is warmer today, but crisp, Storm is over but sore throat is still here. Thx for the reminder about the furnace filter - gotta do mine.

My new avatar is Rocky - our other orange kitty. It shows his tufted ears, I think he is the prettier kitty, but both are precious. Wonder what they will get into today. It was using stealing cherry tomatoes to skitter across the floor yesterday. The mini cucumbers didn't work well. 😋

I am so thankful mother (her ashes) are in their final resting place on earth. Not sure it has sunk in fully yet.

Glad, no we did not get snow. We have dropped into the 50’s during the day and 30’s at night but by the end of this week, we’ll be back in the 70’s. I’m glad everyone got through the storm with no major issues.

My brother is home and back on a regular diet. He will continue with physical therapy at a facility now. So happy he is home and can swallow.

Golden, your kitties sound like so much fun. I see a cat rescue in Boise on Facebook, it’s all I can do to control myself to not adopt a couple kitties. Tiger is 17 now, it would be too much for him.

Take care everyone and stay warm.

Not a good one today. Was in imaging all day long. First ultrasound, drawing off fluid hematoma on hip. Then guided imaging, drew off fluid from inside hip joint, then injections into the joint.

Got home, pain and exhaustion. Pets fed. Home health aide just quit on me. She says she’s just too busy to care for me. In the middle of the post-op pain and doctor trying to figure out what’s wrong, causing all the pain, hip, down leg, into knee. Not totally surprised, as the workforce here is poor quality. A lot of unreliable people. Just so unethical to not finish the job. Won’t be giving her a glowing review online like I had planned. Leaving me in a lurch.

Hit the limit with dad, he was on the phone with my sibling complaining about how bad it is here, we don’t let him cook, we don’t let him help, we don’t like his friend, we don’t let him drive long distances...
 
I hit the wall. After a long time of me doing all the talking and my angel of a bride listening, she advised I write a letter. My mom used to do it all the time to me. So at 3 AM I wrote it all down, Not sure if I will give it to him but laid out all that is bugging me and how he is treating us. It is written nicely but some hard issues.
 
I texted my sibling after he got off the phone with her to see if she wanted the real story but no answer.
 
So I am all alone in this............ I am sad, very sad.

TG, have you tried individual counseling to try to figure out how best to deal with the issues that are bugging you? If I were you, I would check into family counseling, including wife, sister and dad. Or check into a geriatric care manager. Has dad had an assessment completed on what his abilities and care needs are?

Is independent living or assisted not an option for dad?

I'm leaning on the individual counseling for me, Dads not an option and sister is out of state, she wont talk anyway becasue its all my fault or all my idea. There was never a close bond between us anyway. Shes right I'm wrong kind of relationship.
No way dad can live on his own, money or otherwise. Not an option. At least in a week he goes for knee surgery so I may have a month without him in the house so I can calm down. Little things make the difference.
Debated whether to give him the letter or not. I never thought caring for a parent was going to be this hard mentally.

Dad goes to rehab after surgery, right?

Let that turn into a permanent placement.

Work with discharge planning to get Medicaid in place.

TG, Glad brings up a good point. Several of us have expressed over the years the need for your dad to have cognitive testing. Some of your very first questions were about his "mental state". I'm curious why you haven't followed through; I think that knowing that your dad has dementia/mental illness MIGHT make you feel less guilty and give you access to better techniques for dealing with him. Why do you not get this done?

While he is in rehab, talk to the social workers about how to get dad's mental state assessed. Tell them that it is no longer possible for him to live in your home, that he needs constant supervision. That he overspends his budget each month. That he is possibly being fleeced by a "black widow". That he is having a terrible effect on your and your wife's health.

Get him placed. You have a prime opportunity to do this. Don't let it get away from you.

Update-
Reached out to our neighborhood FB group to see if somebody in the neighborhood wanted to give me a few hours help per week, til I physically feel well enough for things like scooping cat boxes, changing bed linens. Got a few responses. Have a lady stopping by this evening, has pet sitting business, not put off by scooping cat litter boxes, sweeping up floor. Hopefully we can come to an agreement, $$, so I can put the sorry home health non-professional behind me. Current person was here a whopping ten minutes today. Couldn’t believe she tried to extort me for more money yesterday. I’d like somebody to pay me $15 for ten minutes of work someday! Not. That works out to $90/hr. Neither I as an accountant, nor my engineer spouse, ever came close to that kind of wages.

ExhaustedJenny
Independence, MO
Caring For
I am caring for my mother
About Me
I'm the youngest of 5, 4 still living. I am an RN, APRN, wife and mother of 5 (4 some & 1 daughter, 20-29yrs). My loving husband is an Occupational therapist and my second oldest son is a paramedic so we seem to be the defacto caregivers of my extended family as a whole. I cared for my Grt,Grt Aunt in her home 24/7 for about a year until she passed peacefully at 108yrs of age in 1994. I cared for and took custody of my father when his progressing (rapidly) alzheimers became too much for my mother and others moving Dad to AZ where I was living at the time and cared for him, financially supported him (my mother kept every penny of his SS, not legal btw), protected and advocated for him until his last breath in his own bed in our home as I always promised I would do for about a year and a half. I've run to aid of multiple family members in need over the years as well. I help advise and care for my older brother who sadly died on July 4th, 2017 after battling cirrhosis for several years. Now I have been caring for my mother since her stroke in late February this year. My son and I have given up our entire lives, sacrificed everything including our own money (and my husband is our only income right now as I cant work and care for mom 24/7) for over 7 months with basically NO help from either of my sisters at all. Eldest sister said she'd help if we let her take & use moms car as her car was repossessed (2nd one in less than a year) right after moms stroke, she got her wish and then relieved me one time for less than an hour and complained the entire time. She made it clear she "has no inclination towards doing it" (her own words). We then didnt see or hear from her for weeks on end. Other sister got angry when mom decided to remove her from her bank account once her stoke almost $1,000 from it and she tried to lie about it to protect him plus it was found she hadn't paid moms property taxes for 2 years nor resolved or paid any of the 7 citations for over grown grass etc on moms property either resulting in my 85yr old mom having 4 warrants for her arrest (5 now) which was learned when mom was pulled over for driving on expired tags (sister didn't do that either) and informed of her multiple warrants by police, fortunately he was kind enough to not arrest her. My mother was distraught and then suffered right temporal frontal lobe stroke that night night. Once removed from moms finances she no longer had any interest or desire in "helping mom" anymore, going so far as saying "I have my own busy life and a family & husband and my own priorities, I dont have time to help take care of mom." Again, her words. Upon opening mom a new bank account we found she had roughly $3000 less than we thought btw, leaving her just over $4000. I also learned mom had no home owners insurance and hadn't for about 5 yrs as she felt it not important (mom has always been very irresponsible and childish with her money, dad paid the bills when mom played). After moms stroke the cost of her medications and required supplies, modifications to the house etc etc sky rocketed. She went from being a non-insulin dependent (oral med only) diabetic to an EXTREMELY brittle insulin dependent diabetic that has a very poor appetite and refuses to drink water or just about anything else (it caused an oral aversion) so she bounces between being dangerously low blood sugars to very high. It took her doctor and I working closely together to find what works best for mom, a variable sliding scale regular insulin and eventually get her fairly stable with the rare exception. This alone has cost HUNDREDS of dollars in insulin alone due to the doctor having to change the type 4 times until we found what seems to work best. Not to mention the cost of her diabetic supplies quadrupling due to now needing to check her blood sugar as many

Update:

I had requested social worker help a week ago. No calls. Today I am informed that my sister who refuses to leave had the SW over and made up HUGE stories WITHOUT PROOF of my wrong doing. Accusing me of mismanaging finances and out right theft. None is true of course. There are receipts as well as my HSA & bank statements showing me helping financially. Not to mention the fact that things are done, repaired, provided etc as evidence to proper use of funds. My mom doctor is backing me up as is my sisters own adult daughter. My sister has organic brain disease and psych impairment herself which is forcing my niece to face intervening. The fact that the home health company violated my DPOA which is irrevocable now since mom cant make her own decisions to change it is disgusting. I think my sister believes shes had it changed as she is ignorant of the law and the fact it it's now active and binding due to moms condition and cant be changed, not even by ME unless I petition the court which means I'd have to turn my poor mom over to the state. Part of this is my sisters own decline and mental illness and part is her anger, jealousy, revenge, and desperation as she cant manage her own finances and wants access to moms. When I refused her money from moms tiny resources she blew up. Then when told most of moms assets will likely have to be sold to provide for her care she really got mad at me. I'm sure it will resolve but in the mean time I have to deal with it, be slandered and worry about worst case scenarios. If my damaged sister had her way I'd apparently go to jail when I've done nothing wrong or illegal. For 7 months no one helped or even came over. Now this is what I get for accepting help when I got too sick to go on. I've done this before when I supported and cared for my dad. In this family no good deed goes unpunished. Once my mom passes I will have no contact with these twisted monsters.

No try, this one?

My 78(79 in seven weeks)yr.-old mother is having more trouble with her memory. While she has started wearing her car keys. On a chain around her neck. So she doesn't lose them. She will have them around her neck, and still ask me where her car keys are. She has three sets, and keeps misplacing them.

We are in the process of moving. So, I always wonder 'Is she going to lose her keys, today'.

ExhaustedJenny-Wow!!!! That is a lot going on, and that has happened. Especially with your sister.

I am learning to be thankful even in the trying circumstances of caregiving. Everyone's situation is different,there are no easy answers, I am also realizing that my loved ones condition and circumstances is also about me and my response to them, my attitude, teaching me about communication,self-care physically, emotionally and spiritually .This has become a time of self discovery,a time of facing relationships for what they are and moving on. For me a time of growth. Once I got past a lot of anngst. Caregiving is a journey of deep valleys,and rough road.But eventually we can come to a even pathway.

I spoke to my other sister the other night. Needs to say I've blocker now. Everything is done by text so I have a paper trail, sad but true. I've been td that dear sister has told everyone the u flat out REFUSED to pay mons electric bill and refused to go back and care for her which isn't even remotely true. The fact that anyone believes that is disgusting and sad. My eldest sister isn't at all well and it is going to cause my mom great harm.
I'm talking to attorneys to both protect myself (although I've done everything by the book) in order to protect myself and my mom. I'm going to petition the court to take over. This way what MUST be done gets done and they have no sacrificial lamb.
It's all so sad. I am having bad dreams. I realized yesterday that I likely won't be able to say good bye to my mother. This hurts.
My husband is trying so hard to be supportive and just hold me.
Im so tired. My lupus has been flaring and out of control because of this crap.
It's all so sad. Mom isn't even dead yet. All this is either straight greed or psych disorder or a bit of a combo. Mom suffers in the end and all I've done is for naught.

Went to Mom's for the weekend. Last time there wasn't horribly bad, so I had expectations of at least having an ok time. Wrong. She went off almost immediately as I got there, and said, I don't even know why you bothered coming! I got there around noon, which wasn't early enough for her. She and my brother leave for church on Sat around 3:30 (or a little after). She gets so anxious - 2 hours ahead of time. I said I can get ready within that time no problem. "Well it takes me longer!" Uh, ok? Rest of that day was okayish. I remade her bed, reorganized part of her closet, put away summer linens, did a basic pedicure on her. Then Sun, I'm up early, doing some laundry, then swept up her front porch, switched out some décor items, put items away that she'd asked about. I made her exactly what she wanted for breakfast, carrying it to her in her lazy boy. She said going to the dining room table is just too much for her. Ok. I then started vacuuming, but noooo she was on the phone with brother, was to make NO NOISE and be QUIET. I had a huge list to get stuff done, so I wasn't very happy. I then went on to clean her bathroom. It was bad. I almost think she leaves stains on purpose. So I then clean the other bath, then the kitchen. All the while she is now sound asleep in her chair. I asked what she wanted to do after I'd finished. NOTHING - I don't like your attitude!! Ok, fine. I made her have an upset stomach. Couldn't be her usual bad diet of candy and snacks? I'd made her a nice lunch, dinner, and breakfast. But whatever. So then after she yelled at me and said she didn't want to do 'nothin', I said well let me pack up, I don't need to be part of this. Then she demanded I come, sit and talk with her. What she meant was for her to lecture me and tell me how I have failed her, and how she's been nothing short of wonderful - to everyone. She had said when my dad died, I didn't pay enough attention to her. I said, what - I was 13, a kid. No, I was an adult according to her. I should've paid my own way, got my own food and clothing. She doesn't like it when I say it was her responsibility. It was - both legally and morally. But no one gave her enough attention at that time. She went through a lot. She made the comment, did you see that woman in church how SHE took care of HER father? Ok, so I'm a lousy daughter. I never said that! I never say anything negative about you. Not directly, true. She has friends, lots of friends (as in you do NOT). She knows about hard work (as in you do not - nor does anyone else). I had no business buying such a large home on my own without consulting anyone (i.e. her). No not just her. Fact - her home is larger in square feet, but I am a liar. All righty. After an hour or more of this - I said so do you want to do anything. Well..... I then sat and ate something I'd bought that I didn't want to haul home, as she then did her entire rant; I sat in back of her at the table, while she ranted away. She'd also made it to the table to write out a birthday card. She sends cards out to everyone, so she will get a card in return. It's not just because she's so big hearted; it's always quid pro quo.
So I finally get home after a horrible drive, call her to say I'm home, and she continues to rant. I had said I get it, you're bitter, and I'm the whipping post - no, you're crazy!!! It's a classic narc strategy along with projection and gaslighting, which she does all the time. Tonight, she's not answering the phone, so back to not speaking again. I know she's ok, because golden child brother calls her daily; if no answer he'd stop by (he's within 2 miles of her house). I'm not sure why the meltdown over nothing. She said she had 3 close friends just pass away. Not really. Two were pen pals (both had stopped corresponding with her), and one was a cousin's wife, whom she said before she didn't really know that well. I guess maybe because close to her age?

Just stopping in to say hi and wish you all well. Its tedious typing on phone. Rays of love light and peace to all

Sister and I had a disagreement about dad and insulin last week. She went in (behind my back) and exaggerated his numbers. Then wanted me to be the one to administer. I refused so she started talking about teaching dad and you know, he was going along with the plan. I didn’t like that idea. Needless to say the saga continued this week. So I went in to see his doctor. He said come back to him when I have a solution. That solution was hospice. So while letting his other doctors know he was going under hospice, I learned dad is ill in more ways than one. So as of yesterday, he too is under the nursing part of hospice. Now I’m just thinking on the walking away again. Did it once and got talked into coming back.

Not really sure what's going on with Mom. She was out of sorts earlier in the week, then better, back tonight in a sour mood. She said her neighbor said oh your hands sound like exactly what I had - carpal tunnel. I'd told her the symptoms (per online stuff) all came up with carpal tunnel. Nope, I didn't know what I was talking about. She may have been hinting at going to a doctor, but I've tried that only to be yelled at profusely.
Then she had called me multiple times because she couldn't reach a friend of hers by phone. Oh see, that's how she is - she worries about everyone other than herself and she's not selfish - like I am. Sigh. Friend was ok, just a malfunctioning phone, and didn't have her cell phone on or charged.
She calls me back because she sees an Amazon Fire Tablet on sale on tv. The same freaking one I gave her over a year ago, and which she returned because it was "no good". She said she wished she'd bought one of those because the laptop she bought (which she had said for well over a year - I want a computer - nothing else would do) is a waste of time. Basically, she wasted money, and it's my fault. I haven't shown her enough on how to do it. Uh, turn it on. Enter a PIN. I saved everything she would want under favorites, and it's a touch screen. I wrote it all down in a notebook for her and we went over it multiple times. But, sure, since she won't do anything on her own with it, it's my fault. She kept saying how the fire tablet was such a great idea. I finally said that is the tablet I got for you, which you didn't like, which you returned to me saying it was "stupid". I told her go ahead and order it if you want, but it's the same thing you didn't like. She then said I sure didn't show her "much" on how to use it. I said not sure what else I could have shown you - you turn it on, tap on the icon, then move within each app. She wants something that will totally take her to exactly whatever article or item she wants to see right now. I've told her every app or page still requires some navigation, but I'm wrong.
She's also had three cell phones (1 from me, same as my phone - 2 different ones from my brother); all of which were "stupid". She's asked my brother for yet another cell phone; he's said repeatedly he's looking into it - which I think means he's done with it - not even going to get her another one. He took 2 away to try and sell and/or get refunds.
Now she's on a rant re: the holidays. She's not going to do any planning! The planning she's done is to buy a turkey breast for Thanksgiving, and to buy a ham for Christmas. Most years, I've brought the ingredients for side dishes. She's going on about her neighbor, who has grown children who live in Florida or have a winter home there - they are making arrangements for her to go there. Sorry, I don't have the money for a winter home nor live in FL (or a warmer climate).
She's also back to dredging up every slight, real or imagined, that has ever happened to her. And adding basically now she has to deal with such an awful daughter - why is she so punished? She's so selfless, and basically I'm just rotten. Then she wants me to do her favors and wants me to move her into my house. She really wants me to wait on her hand and foot - I owe her! She has dexterity issues, but she exaggerates it when I am around. When she doesn't know I can see her, she moves much quicker and is more agile. She's also taken to calling me multiple times a day, and says I should call her more, even while at work. I've explained I cannot sit on the phone at work for 30 to 60 minutes (listening to her complain), but I'm just wrong and selfish! I don't know if this is early stages of dementia or just depressed?? Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs to all!

Eldest sister called Adult Protective Services on me prior to my seeking Guardianship for my early-stage dementia mother. "Elder Abuse check" per Social Worker who arrived at the door. Very upsetting that family getting so very vicious. Wow. I believe it is all about the $$$$, aka the will. Siblings worried I will inherit everything, I guess. I had no idea when I took on job as Caregiver to my parents that I would have a permanent bullseye on my back one day. ((sigh)) It's days like this I want to walk away, yet I stay... My parents need me.

Been there Renoir, I had a bullseye on my back too. Actually thought about a tattoo , small one, of a bullseye. LOL! Might as well laugh, one day we will.

ExhaustedJenny, your story is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say except I hope you can seize little moments of me-time and look after your own health because your resilience can only last so long. God bless x

Not that this is much practical use, but I think everyone here should give themselves a treat (preferably involving a moment of peace) as a reward for being so wonderful. I have found this helps: whenever I have a frustrating incident (sisters stirring up trouble / Mum dragging away from my work, study and friends to deal with the latest drama) I buy myself something, go for a walk by the sea or read a few pages of a cheap paperback thriller (I am so time-poor that it takes me ages to finish a book now). Or I listen to music at night with earbuds in and one ear open in case Mum calls me to fix the TV. Venting here helps too.

Still struggling with dysfunctional family and taking care of mom. My mom is pretty nice but is extremely passive and doesn't seem to care how awful and selfish my brother and sister are. I am doing the majority of work by far and she treats us all the same even when my brother and sister are cruel to me and to her. Drives me nuts. I have thought of getting her another place to live but it would have to be with assistance and she doesn't want that. I just can't do it to her. Some days are better than others. Usually it's better when I just ignore them all and do the minimum required. What a hard we have. And I work full time and am broke... just venting. Yes, my family is extremely dysfunctional and it makes it so much harder. Do something nice for yourself guys and I'll try to do the same. We have to take care of ourselves no matter what. I've been doing this for three years about now. The best piece of advice I have to give others is don't try to be the superstar caregiver. You'll just get taken advantage of and burn yourself out. Get as much help as you can and do as little as possible to get by so you have time to take care of yourself and your own life/job/kids/pets/whatever. And, yea, sadly the best way I've found to handle the difficult and crazy family members is to ignore the shit out of them and just do what you know you need to get done. Write down events, money spent and all that too so if it comes to it you have detailed records and receipts of the time you've spent and the money you've spent. I realize also that my brother and sister don't care as much as I do and that's something I have to accept and realize we are different kinds of people. I talked to someone once about this stuff and he said, "you're setting the bar too high for your sister" and that is so true. We expect them to care and want to help our parent as much as we do... but they don't. I guess I'll stop rambling. I think I am trying to convince myself as much as anyone else that things are ok cuz honestly it's still a huge struggle.

Processing.....tomorrow, we sign up for hospice for my mom. There was no precipitating event like my FIL, or serious conditions worsening like my MIL. Just a slow decline since January. The extra eyes and hands will be good, and the hospice company was wonderful with my inlaws. I've been trying to process this since the call a few hours ago. I know it's the correct next step. Not at all sure what I'm feeling...sadness that our relationship has been so rough. Sadness she's been so unhappy for so long. Sadness for what was, what wasn't. Sigh.