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Linda22, I'm sorry to read of this development, but I wish you peace and solace as you and your family journey down this last road.  And I hope your mother's journey is also as calm and peaceful as it can be.
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So sorry for what decisions you have to make with your loved one Linda22, we were just in the same situation with my BIL and he decided when it was time to go. Hospice is a fantastic service to assist your loved one. They are truly angels in compassion and caring. Having gone through it with my SIL we found the caring was so great to allow them comfort.

Dad is in for his 2nd knee. Was in the hospital for 3 days and now at rehab. Before he went he was raving about the place, "I talked to the chef and they have remodeled the place and I have my own room!" Yeah, he got sold a bill of goods, the "Chef"? Not so much, lots of sandwiches, having to deal with lack of help on the weekends, terrible service, the room was remodeled about 40 years ago and has patches on the drywall unfinished. As for the "Chef", I guess opening a can of something makes you a chef?
So every day I take him a snack of KFC popcorn chicken and some grapes. I ironed his shirts and starched them hung them on hangers for him and what does he do? Throws them in a clump on his chair, "I was too lazy to go to the closet to get them".....
He has one more day of PT there but is not progressing. Needs to climb 28 stairs in my house 3 story house and it is 14 steps to the first floor then 14 to his bedroom and shower. Doing 6 steps at PT is not progressing. He just lays in the bed there......
Now a few weeks of people coming and going to OT and PT at the house.
I have been busting my butt to get all new replacement windows in before he gets home and painting and cleaning his room (sawdust). Needed to replace windows for a long time so this is the best time.
So for a few weeks it will be driving him around.... #nohelpfromsiblings.
I get calls form the relatives telling me what he says how the numbers are different from his tells them to what the staff tells me.
One offered to fly in to help him...... No I dont think I need someone to get in my way and yell at people. I think after taking care of my SIL with cancer living with us and hospice and her estate by ourselves, my BIL for 10 years in a NH and managing him all by ourselves until he passed. Managing dad for 5 years in my home and numerous hospital trips. Helping my neighbor for 6 years and her issues and her husbands hospice, I think I may know something. They all think I am stupid and an idiot. But no one steps up to help! They will all tell me what I should be doing but not one finger.......
My aunt had the same issue with her mom and dad, everyone would call and say what to do yet she was there every day for years feeding her mother doing laundry etc.... every day.....
Gotta love the relatives........
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TG, I think it's time for a serious talk with the discharge planning folks at the rehab about appropriate placement for your dad.

You have an opportunity right now that will not come again. Please get some professional advice.
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TG you hold yourself to an impossible standard - WTF does an old man in rehab (or anywhere else for that matter) need with pressed shirts?
When it comes to your relatives helping sometimes you have to be willing to accept what is offered even if it doesn't measure up to your expectations, telling everyone no thanks and then b*tching about them not stepping up is a non starter.


(And as for those Chefs in facilities - I know from experience that many of them are quite capable but are restricted by impossibly tight budgets and dietary restrictions and most often have no say in planning the menu, it' can truly be the job from hell)
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Linda - sorry for what you're going through with your mom. Does hospice offer counseling? If so, it may be helpful talking to a therapist.
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Polar and all, thanks for the kind words and thoughts. It was harder than I expected, but I'll be ok. The hospice team is really good, helpful and kind. Adapt, adjust, keep on going.
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Greetings everyone! I am back to work tonight and glad to be here. My recovery time was a lot longer than I expected and well no work no pay. So to avoid complications down the line I waited until I felt I was fully recovered enought to return to work.

Being home and not able to do certain productive things had me crawling the walls. Also the times that I stayed in my room and had no contact with my mother was a sad revelation. The first two days after surgery I stayed in bed. I had notified my nephew that I would be out and unable to care for my mother due to surgery. Well when I came down the place was a wreck, old food and containers were stacke in a pile on stove and kitchen table. My lheart fell. It was evident lthat someone was bringing her food here and there but not making sure she ate. I did a little bit of damage control, fed her (and she was hungry) and went out to get my sandwich supplies which is basically what I had up until my fith week out. I knew I wasnt right or well because I was not cooking and had no desire to do so. I love to cook.

I also became very angry that I felt guilty for the poor care my mother recieved and how sad it was. Didnt I know I was the only one really care for her duh!! So I get upset and cry and go into a depression because I cant handle this alone.

Meanwhile I had opened my mothers mail awhile back and she had a referral to be evaluated by neuro for severe dementia. I taped this to my sisters door and later taped a note on entry do to please followup on that referral. It had a to do by October 17th before expiration. Something like that. I put it on door in August. It was ignored.

Every little change in mental capacity I have notice over many years has bought me to tears. So she tears the house up on occasion and I feel its not safe for her walking up and down the stairs. She needs 24hr home care.

So I am not caught up at all and maybe I will get the chance because I see there not much activity. I guess we are all just living and trying to make it through the trials, tribulations, the pain that comes with dysfunction and caring for a loved one.

Girlsaylor I hope you are doing well in your recovery. That type of surgery is long term for recovery and pain and therapy. God Speed.

Sometimes we dont realize how much of a toll stress can have on us. And these life changes that come with life can give knock out blows. Sometimes I just cry and dont even know precisely what it is I just know Im hurting and I know there is so much more to come.

My heart, prayers and thoughts are truly with you all. I dare not go into details and get names criss crossed but to all of you be strong, hold your head up and try , (I know its hard) but try and cast your burdens unto the Lord.

Dang! Idont know why I have to be in a significantly low place in spirit to be able to let go and know God has it but I am getting a little better.

Light, love and healing to all. Good Night.
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Duck, I'm glad that you are recovering well from your surgery.

Has APS been in touch? I'm sure that they will be interested in your sisters lack of follow up on the neuro appointment.
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DDDuck- wonderful to see you here. So glad you are slowly recovering. Surgery is hard, and it messes with the head, no matter how calm one’s home life is. For the rest of us, it’s horribly tough emotionally. While I don’t have the answers on your Mom, and your situation, it’s beyond shabby that your family couldn’t be motivated to cover your mom’s needs during your surgery and recovery. Lordy, forgive if the caregiver doesn’t make it through surgery. Wouldn’t have said that before your surgery though. You have enough to worry about.

Tonight’s dinner was some Swiss steak I had cooked in crockpot and froze meal portions. It froze and reheated very well. Added mashed taters and fresh steamed broccoli. And my usual cut raw relishes, which I eat along with a tiny scoop of mashed potatoes, so I keep the carbs low. Feeling better, but gaining strength and endurance is so slow going for me. Some days I get shaky, and have to get out all my meters to check whether it’s blood pressure, heart rate, low oxygen, or low blood sugar. I have never been able to tell the difference between diabetic low, low heart rate, and low blood pressure. They all take turns deviling me!

Gentle hugs to all here. Do something for just you today!
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Barb, APS is still on case. Mr. G (APS) came by a few weeks ago. Seems he does a monthlyt check, calls and asks if he can come by. He comes in looks around check my mother and leaves. This last visit he called I came down to wait for him. My DN came in just before Mr. G came. He asked if that was my nephew, the one who is a cop and asked if he could speak with him. I said sure and at the same time DN was coming down the stairs so he met him as he was passing the door on way out introduced himself and asked to speak to nephew all quiet no disrespect or testosterone show. Nephew stops and walks into room he follows and then DN stayed in kitchen talking to my mother for a good disrespectful amount of time and then walks right past the man. I asked him if he did not see the man waiting to speak with him, he says he's not there to see him and I say that he introduced himself and asked to speak to you and you could have had the decency and respect about yourself to say yes. no, I dont have time.
So much had happened while I was home recovering. Its crazy for me because its the same thing I have been seeing all my life and I still get dumbfounded to see the same ole shT. The disrespect, the ugliness, the pain and I try my best to not hurt their feelings.

Then one day after I didnt come down I find the adverstisement want ads for apartments again. So I sent him a nice nasty text telling him to be a man and say what he has to say to my face not on the down low, come at me straight. And that he is supposedto be a grown ass man and tricks is for kids.
I also said I didnt understand what this meant so I was tapeing the advertisement to his mother's door, that maybe she could help him. Things were quiet until my dumb but text him about the obvious flood and sewer problem and he told me I could fix it or get plumber to do what ever I wanted which also made me head hot.
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Girlsaylor, glad you are good and low blood pressure, low sugar can present with same symptom with an increase in pulse rate to get o2 and sugar to the brain. Glad you are coming along okay.

That meal sounds scrumptious.
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Barb I saw such a pleasant surprise when I went on your message board.

Tg I hope you pay heed to some of the advice you have been getting, now is the time to act and get you father in the proper setting. He will probably love it. Meet some nice ladies.
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My Father just passed and he had chronic heart failure at 93 and my mother is 90 and still functioning fairly well. My dysfunctional family has not stepped up to help at all but are gossiping that I am doing this only to try to get to my family inheritance. The inheritance has been fairly split. I am tired and worn out and try not to let them bother me. He needed care for the last four years, and no-one offered me a hand. At his funeral my father the gossip was flying and no-one came up to thank me or support me. I feel truly saddened that I come from such a family that is so self centered and worried about money. wow what a world we live in and what a family I come from. I am so disappointed that I am part of this family and will disappointed.
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Gidget, sorry for your loss. Congestive heart failure is very difficult. When money/inheritance is involved, family gets nuts! Mine did too, after I cared for mom for four years 24/7. Sorry you are going through this. Been there.
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I am getting a crash course in the realities of the aging parents. I live with them. I have extra medical of my own. I have a multi sibling family. There is no will, power of attorney or guardianship. Once again, there was a serious medical change. Even though I live here, both parents sought to hide it from me for the past year. Yes, it is a lifelong dysfunction and erratic and abusive behavior. Aging just sweetens the pot. A very recent heart surgery and pacemaker implant for dad, of course brought a lovely drama, (again) with it. Several years back, my siblings got together without me, to discuss the fact that they expected me to take care of our parents in the aging process. They decided without me, since I had raside a special needs daughter in this home, that, I was well suited to the task and, I owed them for living here. I never agreed. I have had my own lifethreatening medical to endure among everything else. Denial is the perfect game played in this family. I am aware of the changes of alzheimers and dementia with a new crach course this week to educate myself. The siblings are blaming me for the condition of the house thanks to secret conversations over many months by my parents to make it look like I am the odd one out. It's the opposite. How do I protect myself, my belongings and yes, my 26 year old daughter from the ongoing chaos? I have already learned better ways to not take anything said or done by my parents-personal. This includes verbal attacks and abuse and destruction of my personal belongings. They are fighting with manipulation, tooth and nail to hide their deficits. They do not want to be placed in any type of assisted care. I have no claim on the house even after living here a lifetime. The stress alone is a detriment to my health. What steps can I take? I actually believe while I am at work tomorrow, wednesday, they are allowing brothers in to remove my things. It's a cover for the fact my father has ocd anxiety and hoarding. My mother is pell mell helter skelter. Hides the silverware, cannot finish a task, pulls things out of cupboards and leaves things on the floor etc. I have fallen multiple times in the last 6 months because of the stuff on stairs and kitchen floor. I cannot clear it fast enough or even keep up every day. But, it's blamed on me because I live here. I was paralyzed twice by autoimmune reactions and pushed myself through what recovery I could. The entire family including the parents, are in complete denial of the grueling work that takes. I am lucky to walk. There must be a positive way through this. how do I proceed?
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Rosie, I don't know your background, job or age.. but I sure would not be going to work tomorrow if I thought my things would be stolen or put on the street. If you have a job, can you afford low income housing, or an emergency woman's shelter for you and your daughter while you sort things out? And it is not as easy to evict someone these days, check other posts! Do you a have a friend you can stay with for a few days? Can you get disability? Good luck with this!
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PAMZIMMRRT_ thanks for your response. I am once again online tonight looking for just that. Housing assistance. Having tried many times before, I am sure it will be a no go. I work because it's more money than assistance, even though it is grueling on my body. I must take care of the job, because it takes care of me. I have steeled myself to the upsets that may be coming from the brothers. The lack of positive coping skills in this family is well known. I can get a storage place thursday. That may buy me some time. I am online tonight looking for resources more that a few friends in the field of aging have helped me with. I am practicing how NOT to get engaged in verbal negative play from my parents and that may also buy me some time. This is not the first time they have done this particular method of negative coping. Growing up, my brothers bore the brunt of the parental games. I am going to continue to pray for wisdom and help. And document what is going on.
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Gidget, Sorry for your loss. For want of a better word "Forget" what family or anyone thinks or feels. You did what you could and honored your father and no one can take that away. Your blessings are in your clear counscious and will always flow from a job well done. Hold your head up they werent there for you when you needed help so do you really need them now. God Bless, be strong.

I think money is the root of all ugly thoughts and sabatoge. I would keep my distance.
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Rosie, its sad to hear your post. I can understand how you feel because in many ways I was and in many ways I am still in same situation.

If you can, why dont you get a very secure lock or replace the door with your belongings. With all the dysfunction, take pictures. I am thinking that involvement with a police report would shame those involved.; jSo breaking down your door would be illegal and cause for action.

My mother used to theaten me with crazy stuff call on the job saying I leftr the light on and if Idont come and turn it off she was going to break the door down. And she did this a few times. Each time of course I was anxious and intimidated but I didnt leave my job and come home to find the light was off and all was well.

If your daughter is handicapped, maybe check with foundations for assitance also if your state has a shelter system Im sure your case would be a prioity.
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Well this was my first week back and its been good. I fell asleep on train and woke at conductor saying west 4th street which is where i get off to go to therapy so I jumped up and then settled down realizing I had my morinings confused. Its tomarrow morning that I go to therapy.

I am just going to take it easy. I am concerned about an agreement i have with paying back owed taxes because I didnt get paid for a good 3 weeks if I go into default it could be a penalty so I am anxious to get that cleared up. Other wise I am just going to go with the flow not try to catch up on undone chores and stress myself.

So I am wishing you all well. Lots of sunshine and light in your hearts and lives.
And rays of love and peace.

Good night and sleep tight.
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Dad is back home after 2 weeks in rehab. was a bit of a challenge again as I spent everyday going to rehab to take him clothes (he didn't pack enough) food work with PT and the Dr's.
So brought him home, hes like a baby, needs everything done for him. So in between working my business and taking care of clients, picking him up, shopping and getting him food he likes, making dinner and doing his laundry. My wife working all day and cleaning his bathroom and getting his room ready (we tor it apart to do some painting while he was gone). Back to him telling stories of some influential person he seems to know, its back to normal?
I had a bit of a meltdown after dinner, Both of us are stressed. She leave for work and I have to change my work schedule to accommodate him.
So here is the rub, This AM OT and PT are coming at 9:30. I go to ask him to get up at 8 to be ready, "no, I am going to stay in bed until they come so I dont have to go up and down the stairs twice"............ So he is going to stay in bed, I have to answer the door and let them in and then they are going to his room to see him in his underwear and give him a bath???????? WTH?
I cant really see right now my blood is so boiling. I told him last night to get a bath before bed since we cleaned his bed linens. He hasn't had a shower in 2 weeks!!!!! My house is starting to smell...... and the wife is not happy.
He has his knee replaced not his arms.... He is like a giant baby, yesterday he could get all this clothes ready and out the door of the rehab and today he is alike a giant sloth.
He did this when my sister would come around act all invalid. I come from the school of tough love, suck it up and get it done. I am there to be sure he is safe and help him navigate the house but dammit his arms aren't broke. He got dressed himself for the last week at rehab what has changed??????
I am so frustrated. Wife and I got into a big row last night because I had a meltdown over this. Man, stress does kill.......
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I'm curious why you brought him back home rather than telling discharge planning that your home would no longer be a safe or appropriate placement?

TG, this was a choice and YOU decided it was okay for him to trample on your home life again.

If I were your wife, I would leave. You clearly fear your dad's disapproval more than you care for your wife's health.
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DDDuck. Yep the intimidation shaming guilt thing. I have learned so much the past couple weeks. Went home on break as of 4pm all was quiet. Follow up Dr for dad today mom went. So I asked this am if he was nervous? His reply was a sarcastic "Why, should I be?" I simply smiled and said nothing. At 2 pm today we all arrived home at same time. I asked Mom in the kitchen how did it go? She replied, " It was ok". Sounded like relief 15 days past arterial surgery and 7 days past pacemaker. They settled in the kitchen and I in living room. Their muffled conversation included the words "well your heart rate dropped in office." ......these 2 want to pretend so much. So sad, as of right now, I will continue to gain ground with my faith. Yes thought about new lock last nite. There is no open assisted housing available in my area. Too much demand. Looking into a land contract no money down immediate occupancy possibilities. I will not let their nightmare define me.
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TG, additionally, you STILL haven't asked to have your father's cognitive skills assessed, despite many of us here encouraging you to do that.

You might recall that one of your very first questions, TWO years ago, was about your father's mental health and cognition. We all, rather sensibly, I thought, encouraged you to be in touch with his doctor to get a read on both.

You have yet to do so.

Feel free to vent away here. I feel for you; you are apparently trapped in a mental abyss, not wanting to disobey, dishonor, anger, whatever your dad. You are not acting like a rational person. You are acting like a slave.

His destructive behaviors killed your mom. You seem to be aiming for the same fate. Not sure why...you SEEM like such a smart guy.

What will your dad's fate be if YOU drop dead of a heart attack? Is your wife going to keep him in the home?

What will happen if your wife has a massive stroke? Will you keep dad at home and tend to both of them?

Yes, I'm being provocative. But realisistic. You are making passive choices here and NOT good ones.
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Hating FB tonight, wishing I had not read dd1's post about how freaking broken and hurt she is about breakdown in relationships between family members and "you know who you are". All of this as she is thinking about holidays. No doubt ts1 will post some sort of therapy reply. I need to block her.

Unless you are the caregiver you do not know the financial devastation, isolation, loss of relationships that caregiving causes. A dysfunctional family is completely doomed. Even functional families have difficulties and still broken relationships occur.

I am ticked and hurt that she would air this dirty laundry on FB of all places. What the heck is she expecting? A reply? Nope. I am trying to get past all of the hurt and anger and frustration and complete feeling of helplessness over all of this then she... Poor dd1! UGH!

My hope and wish for my kids is that their parents pass before the loss of mind.😥 She has no clue.
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TG, I'm honestly confused.

Why do you think that your dad should be up and attem, bathed and dressed before rehab and home health arrives?

You brought an incompletely rehabbed person home (your choice) and you DON'T expect to have to do everything for him?

He's an invalid. He needed to stay in the facility. Did you think he was going to be magically healthy?
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Confused? I'm baffled.

TG, you went to rehab every day to visit your father and take him clothes (fair enough, once or twice - every day?) and food (what? Why??).

So... What, you decided it would be less work to bring him home?

Are you kidding me?

What your father was able to do in rehab, he was able to do with the support and routine of a 24/7 facility staffed by trained people. Not on his own, back in his laissez-faire home environment. You can't replace structure and expertise with reminders given the night before and expect it to work.

Leaving aside the - actually quite dangerous - strain on you and your wife, for a moment: if we pointed out that it would be better for your *father* if he had the regimentation of living in a care facility, would that persuade you?
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There are only 2 reasons people do anything, because we want to and because we need/have to. It seems to me TG is doing what he wants to.
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I'm sorry, Glad. I feel your pain about the dysfunction. My daughter does the same thing. My TS and family have manipulated her into making me the bad guy for not putting up with nonsense. She recently posted on FB that she was "having so much fun with her mom" and posted a picture of herself and TS.

It's sad that our kids can't see the real causes behind the breakdown of these family relationships, and that they become the unwitting flying monkeys for the narcs.
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Thanks for the comments, BTW, just venting here, if you'd rather I do it somewhere else I'd be happy to go. As for dad what was I supposed to do, leave him malinger in a rented home with no ability to pay rent, take care of himself? Yes I had to bring him into my home, as my sister said "it was your choice", yes it was someone had to have the balls to do it. isn't' that what children do for their parents? I didnt know we were a throw away society when we are done with people we just throw them away in a place and forget about them.
Yes I am doing what I want to do becasue that is what I have been taught from my grandparents and great grandparents, our entire family has taken care of the generations, it is how I grew up, My grandfather took care of his mother in law and adopted a son from his second wife's child. My aunts and uncles all took care of family in the home, it may not have been great but that is all they had. I took in my SIL with brain cancer until she died and took care of my BIL long distance for 9 years in a NH until his passing, Yes it is what I want to do. So I guess I am worn here. I try to learn for others here how they deal with their issues all while struggling with my own. So I guess I dont just ignore dad while he recruperates and have to deal with this as the rehab and Drs and insurance said its time to go home. So I tell them no? I need a few more days? Sorry people but it doesnt work that way. Do I do this becasue I want to or have to? The answer is yes to both.
It is not that I expect him to be up and ready to go to work but he does tend to malinger when he knows he can. When no one is looking he can move like a ninja to get something out of the fridge when no one is around to do it for him. For the times when he really needs it I am there. Mange his meds, help him up and down the stairs, get him going, take him to appts. Its what I have to do. Am I burnt out because I have no help, YES. I did ask for him to be reviewed for cognitive issues while in rehab and that never happened. Because of the plan he chose they were not fa miler with a bundle plan and didn't do the job they were supposed to do. He tends to set things up so people will do things for him like waiting until OT shows up to even get out of bed but the nurse shows up instead to review his meds. Thats where I draw the line.
I guess I need a break here for a while. Maybe I am taking it wrong. Again just venting here............................ taking a break. Next up picking a urn for the BIL and planning his funeral to inturn him, No, there is no one else to do it, we are the last of the line. Just keeps getting better.
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