The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

TG, when our parents need more care than we can provide and still keep up our own responsibilities, we do look to facilities. We don't "throw them away" - we get more help. Back in the day, families lived close together, and there were others nearby to lend a hand. People weren't living into their 90's, with the accumulated health problems that come with the advanced age. We have 90+ parents with 70+ "kids" who have health problems that often preclude doing hands on care.

My mom is in NH and yes, she thinks she was thrown away. But the thing is both daughters were/are working fulltime, both have/had spouses with health issues and something had to give. I was juggling three parents and a spouse, all with health issues. My wise son told me I needed to triage, as I was exhausted with no end in sight. The spouse won out - one parent called in hospice, the other got help with day to day thing we couldn't do, the third parent went into NH, and I take care of my spouse.

Barb made a good point - sometimes our spouse's health goes south before our parent's so one needs to have a game plan for this.

TG I agree with Barb. Your wife should leave. You clearly place your dad over your marriage.

TG, I never said you should have left your dad alone when he didn't have the ability to care for himself.

The fact that he couldn't care for himself should have been your cue to find him an alternative living situation. Since when is finding a parent the right level of care "throwing them away"? Only in your head.

I know your dad has no money. YOUR STATE has a lot of supportive housing for elders. Rent would be based on income. He'd have social services, meals, companionship....and he'd get back his loving son.

Right now, you're an explosive, stressed, borderline verbally abusive person who is ruining his health and that of his wife.

TG, don't take a break from here. I'll stop responding, I promise.

Just please go see someone who can help you sort this out.

I will never understand people who take to Facebook to air dirty laundry and garner sympathy. My BIL has taken to Facebook to reflect on all the things his son (my nephew) has been through in his short life and how resilient he is. I will spare you all a long and convoluted story but the condensed version is that over the last 10 years, my nephew for the most part hasn’t had much stability, hasn’t had parents that were around much, he’s moved almost every year of his life, switched schools multiple times, was kicked out of one school because of behavior issues. There’s been infidelity and several separations including one this year that is supposed to be for good. My ex-SIL has totally moved on, she started living a separate life 2 years ago that doesn’t really include my nephew and didn’t include my BIL (part of the reason is because my BILs depression, he sunk in to depression and didn’t try to work on it-which I know is hard-but his now ex couldn’t take it anymore and she moved on). There has been issues of neglect. For years, most of his time outside of school was spent with my MIL because and my BIL and ex SIL are just lazy parents, every chance they got, they left him with my MIL. The first 2 times they separated, my BIL moved in with MIL and she was my nephews primaeh caregiver. My BIL did nothing, my MIL did it all.

And I’ll tell you what, it has a lot to do with his behavioral issues, he definitely cried out for their attention. Anyway. ASide from losing his grandmother, most of the hardships he’s experienced are because of my BIL.

it is my BIL who put him through it all. So I see him now lamenting in everything his son has been through and how resilient he is.....and I can’t help but think “why weren’t you thinking about him back then? All this stuff he’s been through is all your doing and now you are thinking about him?”

and then another part of me thinks “well better late than never, at least he’s thinking about him now”. And on the plus side, now that my MIL is gone, my BIL has been forced to actually be a father and spend time with his son and clearly, it has done them both wonders. It’s been good for both of them.

But back to the Facebook post....all these well meaning extended family members are praising my BIL and saying nephew takes after him.....and I just shake my head. These people have no idea what my BIL has put his kid through. No idea! They have no idea that for years he didn’t even raise him! My MIL did. It’s really only been the last 2 years that my BIL has stepped up and acted like a father. And it was because he had no choice-his mother was sick and then died and his wife wasn’t around. And his wife is also to blame. Don’t get me wrong, she too has been an absentee mom. But my BIL has also put her through hell.

"So I tell them no? I need a few more days?"

Then a few lines later:

"Because of the plan he chose they were not fa miler with a bundle plan and didn't do the job they were supposed to do."

So: you tell them no, he doesn't come home UNTIL you have completed the job you are contracted to do, and it isn't Dad's fault you haven't read the contract.

TG, you lose patience with other people and "the system" and fall into the old "if you want a job done properly you've got to do it yourself" trap. Then you burn out because it is too much and, as you say, you have no help.

Be cannier. Make demands.

Thank you for the comments, time to take a break from this site.... not helping....

TG, I'm curious what sort of response you want from us that would feel supportive to you?

To tell you that your dad is wrong and ungrateful! Yes, he is.

To tell you that you are a prince among men for taking on his care, and that of others? Yes you are! I think that you are an amazing human being. You are a lot like my own dad.

To tell you that you have every right to explode with anger and bile at all the idiots in the world? No. It's not useful and it's bad for YOUR health.

We trying to get you to see that there are things you could change...small things, that might make a difference.

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling the love or the support.

Nope, just thought there would be similar people in similar situations but alas not so, I can get all this kind of response from my family which I do so. Responses like my wife should leave me? WOW! great way to kick people when they are down....... I believe this site is doing more damage than good.

TG, let me back up.

Dad was in rehab. When the rehab told you that he was being discharged, did you sit down and talk with the SW about how your home was set up and how you thought that an alternate placement needed to be sought, at least temporarily, until he got stronger and could do stairs?

You had an opportunity to get him in a placement, and to see how he did there. Would there have been harm in that?

Your sister is not the solution. SHE has boundaries. She knows what dad is like. The choice is not between you and your sister; the choice is between dad killing you and your marriage and dad going to an alternate setting and thriving there.

I'm sorry that the cognitive assessment didn't happen in rehab. So call his PCP and find out how to get it done outpatient. Is that hard to do?

WE HAVE been in your situation. We took control and we pushed back against the status quo. I for one wish you would too. Hospitals would try to discharge my mom. I'd say "you haven't solved the problem she came in for". Mom would weep and say that she would be labelled a "difficult patient". I told her that I was determined to get her actual care, not to get written off. You know what? It worked! Got her transferred off the unit where they were blaming HER for her HPB to another unit where they investigated what was going on.

How much of all of your actions (bringing dad clothes every day, bringing him food (yes, why?) and agreeing to bringing him home early and based, not on rational decision making, but on your ego-driven desire to "have the balls"?

I pointed out that your wife might leave because you have described her as "glass half empty, crack at the bottom kind of person". Anyone who is that pessimistic about life, the ability to make changes, etc., seems ready to throw in the towel.

Again, tell us what you would perceive as helpful. We have helped LOTS of folks here who thought that their situations were hopeless. We show folks how to establish healthy boundaries. We challenge denial about cognitive decline. We push folks to push back against the discharge folks who say "oh, he'll be FINE at home".

You DON'T have to be a doormat. Finding your father a good placement is NOT throwing him away. We are challenging your false beliefs. Please listen to us; we are TRYING to help you.

"Thanks for the comments, BTW, just venting here, if you'd rather I do it somewhere else I'd be happy to go. "

TG; your response, referenced here, is a textbook definition of passive/aggressive behavior.

No, we DON'T wish that you would go elsewhere; we (or at least I) wish that you'd try some of the stuff that we've suggested.

1. Talking to your dad's doc about the cognitive decline and poor judgement that you've witnessed.

2. Telling Dad, "no, I can no longer cover your bills". And mean it. And not give him any money.

3. Allow your father to experience the "natural consequences" of his behavior, i.e., didn't bring enough clothes, has nothing to wear. Doesn't budget; runs out of money and has not access to more until next month. Is rude to DIL; gets the cold shoulder or gets the locks changed.

4. Act as an advocate, not a nursemaid for your dad, i.e., look into income based supportive housing, both near you and near sister; having a honest conversation with family about how yes, you chose to have dad stay with you but you see that this was an error; how to get him into a different living situation. Go with him to dr. appointments and advocate for testing of his cognition and mental health. Talk to SW at dr.'s office about what the next steps are.

5. Admit that YOU cannot do this all, all by yourself. That it is killing you, killing your wife and killing your marriage.

TG: "just thought there would be similar people in similar situations but alas not so, I can get all this kind of response from my family which I do so. Responses like my wife should leave me? WOW! great way to kick people when they are down....... I believe this site is doing more damage than good."

I didn't plan to get involved again but I feel it appropriate to support Barb, and the others too numerous to name who've shown patience, compassion and wise advice to you for some time.    

When you post comments such as the quote, I feel the same way Barb does.   I recall when your father first came to live with you, many of us offered suggestions, but some of us came to feel that you weren't considering them.   

I often wondered if you really wanted advice or just sympathy, and I don't deliberately write that to be cruel, but to strongly infer that insight into your own motives is appropriate.  

There's a lot of compassion on this forum, sometimes for people who aren't going to change their ways, yet people still keep trying.

If you really wanted to leave the forum, you'd do it.   But you don't, so don't criticize those who take the time to help you with thoughtful responses.  

Give Barb and others here some credit not only for their perseverance, but for their tolerance, sympathy and compassion.   And please don't disrespect them or anyone else who's taken the time to read your posts and offer advice.   Just please read what they're saying, and consider it.

If you don't, that's obviously your choice.   But don't slam them with remarks about not helping.  

TG, I'm putting together a list of Christian Caregiving sites that may give you more of the kind of support you are looking for. Here are a couple:

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/caregivers-need-to-care-for-themselves-as-well/

https://nourishforcaregivers.com/free-resources/

https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/how-to-find-grace-for-caregiving-11599293.html

GGoogle Christian caregiving to find more. I think perhaps this is the support you and your wife seek.
I hope these help. Be well.

Barb - I think you're on the right track in offering the Christian sites.

One other observation I have is that TG does not want to change or suggestions on how to change his situation, he just needs to vent and have people who think he should continue the status quo sympathize with him. I think It is perfectly fine.

I sincerely wish you well TG. Your father is a very lucky person. I'm sorry that your wife is very unhappy.

TG, I just learned about martyr complex. Could that be what you are doing? What satisfaction are you getting from this relationship? Any?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/10/martyr-complex-how-to-stop-feeling-like-a-victim-create-healthy-relationships/

glad - I thought about the martyr complex too, but what I wanted to write sounded very rude so i decided not to. Glad you brought it up because I think you're right on the money. What the article says is spot on. However, if one wants to martyr himself, he will do it and no one can stop him.

Glad, Your spot on with the martyr complex idea.

Fear is the path to the darkside which includes anger hate and suffering.

I would like to offer a resource from a Christian perspective.l recently took a class offered online through my Church using a book that was authored by Dr.Henry Cloud.Title.Changes That Heal
I found it to be very helpful.
He is a Psychologist ,who has good insight into human behavior.He also has authored a book another book " Boundaries''
As caregivers we must take time to care for our own needs.I am learning and relearning that whatever I am facing it reveals a lot about me and how l can handle the situation.I hope this helpful.

Greetings everyone! I am just checking in. All is the same, new pain now on hip plus new issue with my bowels. I may have broke a vessel. Im hoping it will resolve itself. So very aware of my mortality, and how anything can happen. No insurance but if it does not reoslve in a few days I will go to ER. Pain in back now right hip. I walk fine just hurts to turn in bed, get up or sit down. Anyways I'm finding this rotation of pain in my body curious. Its very real.

Barb your advice and help attempts for Tg is right on point. I am sure some of this is sinking in.

Tg I hope you see your way to make some changes and get a different prespective on really seeing who you are and what needs to be done. As I said before, it took me a lot of pain to actually see and accept how my motherand sister treated me and felt about me. I didnt stop my goodness toward them because that had become a habit. But finally a light bulb came on and I saw a glimpse of my life and started changing slowly but surely.

Tg a lot of the same people offereing advice were significant and the process of my breakthrough and progression.

I wish you the best and hope you take a little time to taste all the food for thought you have been getting.

Glad I hope you are good.

Girlsaylor, how are you., I hope your healing process is moving forward quickly as well as the pain management.

Much love for you all. Rest easy, sleep tight, good night.

Awe DDDuck, so sweet of you to support us here.

I am sorry you are struggling so with your own health issues. You don’t say if you know what’s up with the bowels, but do keep us in the loop if you go to ER. Hip pain can be awful.

As you asked, I’m still gaining strength, very slowly. I can do one major activity per day, meaning something that keeps me mostly on my feet, or sitting doing some activity, 1-2 hours. So, if I grocery shop using a motorized cart, once I’m home, all carried in, I can put away the cold foods in a session. Then come back after a rest, to do the dry goods. Today I cooked homemade chicken, vegetable, rice stew for our little pancreatitis prone doggy. The prescription diet is too expensive, so I replicate as best I can, plus give her vitamins. On dog food cooking day, I can’t do another major activity, too weak.

Then there’s the raging yeast infection I have from the steroid pack I had to take for the post-op inflammation, while taking the muscle relaxer. I am miserable with this yeast infection. Looks like I need to buy another round to treat, not yet rid of it. I’m fairly sure it is yeast fungus overgrowth, as that’s the prednisolone side effect, not bacterial. Dang misery. But, the muscle spasms and nerve pain resolved with the muscle relaxer.

Tomorrow I treat myself to hair appointment, get my roots touched up. It’s my personal luxury, don’t do much else for me, that costs money. Have to pick up eggs on the way home, so I can hard boil, peel, chop, add to the dog food stew, and freeze in five day containers. Most 80-year olds have more exciting lives than I have, with the bad gut and all the rest. Knees are letting me know they are shot every time I scoop the cat boxes. Joint failure isn’t for sissies.

Girl good to hear your slow but sure recovery. Yeast infection is a pain in the butt. What a meal for your dog!

I think the issue is resoving itself no show the last few times. I am baffled at how my pain moves from one place to the other and the previous pain goes away. Yesterday the back pain was horrendous but I could tolerated better than that hip groin pain. Today all seems better. I feel like I pulled muscles and keep adding insult to injury. I thought while I was out the groin pain would ease up but soon as the healing pains ended it came back so strong I had to hop up the stairs holding on to the bansister.

It was all scary because I have a long time ahead to work and no insurance whew. thank goodness I am better today but its supposed to rain again tomarrow I just hope the pain wont rage again.

I once picked up a guy while working NYCEMS he was heavy bleeding via rectum with bowel movement also. Pulse was very tachy he was barely conscious. Pants down looks like fun gone wrong who knows, but when we returned to thast hospital a few hours later he was still in ER and the bleeding had stopped on its own. So I figured didnt have to run to ER just then but if it got worse I was going. I am tired of doctors and hospitals now.

On my way to work I thanked God for feeling so much better. It was so painful this morning. So I meet my neighbor and friend and she is looking really sad I hug her. She has CA breast, has to start chemo. She has had Ca and related surgeries several times since Ive known her maybe ten years. She explained she has this gene that is related to ca and it can show up anywhere so she has to get tested regularly. I think it was 1 months ago she had her colon resected after surgical removal of ca. The whole summer was a battle for gaining weight and tolerating food. Just separated from her husband about 4 months and now ca again. Please pray for her strengh and healing.

Rays of love and healing to all. Good night.

DDDuck-
Thanks for the support. You are always upbeat, bringing others up emotionally. It’s a lovely trait!

I hate that so many are uninsured, and their healthcare options are so badly impacted. It’s so unfair that anybody has to self-limit healthcare.

Sad for your friend. I know sometimes people get crappy when a spouse is ill. Sadly, women are the losers so often when spouses don’t want to invest in the relationship when sickness ruins the fun. Not intended as a blanket statement, many good people do honor their vows. And of course, I wouldn’t be privy to your friend’s situation. Prayers offered up for you and your friend.

Today I had a hair appointment, got cut and roots touched up. Always amazing to be pampered, makes a gal feel so good. On the way home, I got some groceries. All cold food put in fridge. I’ll deal with packaging chicken, ground round, and pork roast into meal size portions, freeze in the morning. Got enough ground round to make and freeze two meat loaves. Cooked hard boiled eggs, chopped and mixed into Ani’s homemade chicken stew. Four containers in freezer right now. I’ll transfer to labeled freezer bags once frozen, and freeze the remaining stew I shoved in fridge, didn’t have enough containers. Finish up the rest in the AM. When I’m feeling decent, kitchen work is therapeutic for me. Despite living in a 60-year old home, I have a great working kitchen, large, ample countertop runway, lol. Great to have enough room to have countertop microwave in one corner, and a toaster oven/rotisserie in another, on counter. Food processor and breadbox on counter too, and coffee maker as well. Not magazine worthy, but I never wanted that. Give me a working kitchen any day over impractical kitchen.

Girl, believe it or not that's the kind of stuff I like to do. As a kid I would make hamburger patties put in plastic in freezer. I love to work in the kitchen too. Unfortunately the kitchen is a mess everything is falling apart. I cant find seasonings , can opener, stuff I just bought. I hide things from my mother and then find them after the fact. Today I swept and couldnt find either one of the dustpans. My sister just takes and use whatever she wants. My mother emptied a whole bottle of the red pepper flakes. tissues balled up here and there spilt food and I had to get a darn shovel to scoop it up.

She had work done in her room I dont know what but the handyman has a key to the house and satuday while I was lounging and cooking with my mother he came in. I feel that if you have a key to someones house you should ring the bell anyway before using it. Anyways I heard him coming and it didnt sound like iether of the DN so I got up and saw him going up with a huge pail of what looked like paint. I believe the dustpan is up there. But I would be wrong to make a note and say leave my s"T alone and buy your own dustpan right. Its petty wouldnt make a difference anyway. I did that once about a shoping cart. I used to have lot of shopping carts in the house that I bought or that my neighbor unc bless him repaired. We would go to pantries and a shopping cart is a must so he would fix em up if we found good ones. Anyways by this time there is now only two.and the guy who works in church across the street tells me how my mother was struggling with this raggedy shoping cart and how he helped her. So I go buy one and when I see twisted I told her dont use my shot" buy your own and she did.

It still and I guess always will bother me about how sneaky slick and malicious and manipulating she is. I so want her exposed. I aint going to lie I would love to see her meet justice.

So she has taken every remote I happen to leave downstairs this was before she even started blocking the channels she knows or thinks I watch. At first I was thinking it was my mother and that I should have put them up. So anyways I had a BP cuff in my bag going to work decided it was tomuch and openedthe gate and went to through it in a yard chairthat was folded and low and behold I saw she had left an umbrella. Then as I am walking my mind was like fool you should have taken it so when I got home it was still there and I took it. I didnt need it, I have quite a few good ones. I knew it was not right but I just had to give her a taste. When she slid in I didnt hear her but turned around and she had this stupid caught grin on her face. I guess she saw I had taken the umbrella.

Well I talked with my prayer partner after we prayed and we asked for healing with my bowel issue and the groin pain. And I understood I needed to put it back , which I did with lots of notes all over it inside and outside the case. Crazy me.

But the good point is prayer works, seems like that bowel thing is over its only been to days but no show and now the groin pain turned into horrendous back right pain muscle like, I couldnt bend walk. but then the groin pain was gone so my mind was in WTF so now I have a twinge of both and both are almost gone. I mean at work every move hurt I got one of those heat bag you punch and put that oon my back took a med I know helps muscel spasms and again when I got off and I am so much better.

I know I write books. One day I just might decide to do so LOL. I just want to share though.

My neighbor friend is still of of soughts. I am trying to convince her to call my O my brother and prayer partner. Words cant express how God works through him as far as I am concerned. When we met we prayed, I went home and dreamt and he presented me with what I dreamt about.

I know sometimes its so hard and that what I tell A. Its when I am down and out and torn and beat down the most that I am most open to recieve God. I get better with daily reaching out.

Sometimes I open the psalms and my soothing answer is right there. Or sometimes I put on my gospel music and I forget about everything bad and focus on something positive and get reminded to be grateful. But sometimes I forget or dont even think of those options and I reach out for prayer and oh boy does it work and oh! boy! does it help.

And yes in the mean while I am still stressing, because I am a work in progress.

This is living. Most times for me it hurts. Lately it seems if its not my heart then its some part of my body!

I am so grateful I have God in my life to help me fight my own demons and the ones the enemy sends in every which way possible. and I glad that I am able to see that happening.

Ok I know, I know.

I god much love again for each and everyone who posts here. I think this a beautiful thing and means so much.

Rays of love and peace to all. Good Night, Im off for a few days.

Busy, busy night here. Probably 100-130 kids at the door for treats. If I didn't know better, there was a parade out there. And it was COLD 20 degrees. Too many cars, so probably kids from all over the county. Nice area, expensive homes, equate to excellent treats. My home probably the least expensive in the subdivision. Probably more tricksters in this one night than I have had total in the past 10-15 years! Kept me busy.

I was to the point I would have to start giving microwave popcorn packets.

Hope all enjoyed the evening.

I had no trick or treaters. The same the past few years I have lived here. Fortunately I convinced my husband to only buy fruit snacks so there is no candy left. He was still in NY before and didn't believe me. We even have some children near but no one comes here.

I had very few trick or treaters. Other parents commented how few there were. It was too warm here for me to wear my Jedi outfit. So, I just lit up my battery powered light saber.

No trick or treaters here either. Next year, I'll save money and won't buy any candies. The trend now is that kids are driven to nice affluent neighborhoods or to organized Halloween events to get candies.

Having been a total wet blanket about Hallowe'en for years (blame my parents) I finally threw myself into the spirit of it a while back and get a little basket of treats ready for all the little witches and skeletons and Darth Vaders.

Not one! Not a single peep. So I sat there finishing my Anne Tyler book (Clock Dance) and eating chocolate buttons and concrete lollies all yesterday evening and now who's sorry, eh?

Greeti is totally. I have much to share and will do so when I get to computer at work. This posting by phone is very tedious. Golden I hope all is well and I am always thinking of you. Your pearls of wisdom are a constant in my life. E very time I shower I use the Castile soap and each time I am grateful for you.


So many of you are deeply special to me.
The 31st was my father's anniversary. When I see posts about deceased parents and loved one I am deeply moved. As usual I relived that love. I played the songs he always played. It tickled me because I use to be like here oh boy here we go again over and over. And listening to the lyrics spoke to me and still does.
So I never participated in trick or Treating but I did do the costume prep for my son. My twisted would take them out that is the one thing she did with the kids. I had fun today ei g able to buy grocery not worrying about budgeting. Going to buy a nice outfit for my youngest grand her birthday was the first. Also a gift for the nurse who returned from maternity leave while I was out. I love shopping and getting som something I know will be appreciated. Although some people don't. Jean who is my "aunt " and I call her my lucky charm alway gift me with something I love. I always think she try to make me sexy. And have use for it all. Not to mention that she is one person who is privy to all the family dysfunction over many year. My mother calls me Jean a lot. They were besties
Anyways I hope you are all in a good place. Prayer works. And smiles bring joy.
So keep smiling especially when you're down.
Rsays of love healing and peace to all.
I will share update later. Sleep tight rest easy good night