The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

For future reference, if your neighborhood is on the Nextdoor website, many communities have sign-up for homes providing trick or treat goodies. Our neighborhood also has a strong online presence on FaceBook. I believe one of the websites, if not both, allow sign up to pass out goodies, and may have maps available from the sign ups.

Mom was so good for almost 2 weeks, then I called on a Sunday several times, no answer. That's usually the signal she's beyond po'd and pouting. Ok, fine. Typically, then she'd call me in the middle of the night ranting, so I blocked her number. I called again the next evening, same thing. I didn't see a voice mail the next day (I typically work from home on Tues, so she'll call and rant then). I finally called her on Tues or Wed - she was freaking out. Didn't realize that blocked call vm's go into a separate category. She'd called a lot. I felt a little bad, but I wasn't going to submit to a middle of the night rant or phone call barrage. So she was back to good mood for a week. Good yesterday - which Sunday is a bad day typically. She called me about an hour ago, ranting. Her "kids" don't do a damned thing for her. She never thought she'd be left alone. She would have never left HER mother alone. She didn't even say what was wrong, and I was not going to even ask as she was on a tirade. Phone had gone onto mute, then she said well all I have to say is you can just think about that, then hung up. I have no idea what went wrong; she was in a very good mood all day yesterday. My brother does call her around 3 pm daily, so I am guessing she wanted him to do something (didn't come out and ask - just assumes you'll know or you should know), and he didn't comply. He's taking time off this week to get stuff done, some of her stuff too, and then he planned to take her out to lunch. Maybe that changed and she's angry. Honestly, could be anything; her mountains are molehills a lot of the time. As a friend calls her 'Drama Mama'.

She's also all fired up (obsessed) re: local elections. I fully expect her to be calling me with updates on the returns (I don't live there and don't really care).

Ironically, I had been reading about very affordable and livable places to retire - top 20 in the US. My hometown (where she lives now) is one listed. I was like oh I guess maybe I'll end up back there. I think now I'd look at any other option on the list (actually where I live now has been on other lists before). She thinks it's just awful that I don't want to move back there. It's the only place she's ever known, and she considers it the best place on earth. There are a lot of good places, and it is a smaller town, with a lot less to offer than where I am now. I tried to explain that if she were to move here (not happening), she wouldn't be happy for exactly that reason. How do you know? Because every time you've visited, everything that is done differently in this area is 'stupid'. They need to do it like we do back home! So that is how I know.

I was planning on going there this upcoming weekend, but yeah not likely. Then the holidays are looming. She's already told me I have to buy the turkey, as my brother got an expensive ham last year. That was totally his decision, but she's forcing me to get a turkey (breast - as she doesn't like turkey). Ugh. I really have started hating every holiday as it brings nothing but unneeded stress. Then I hear how hateful I am that I don't love Christmas. I don't like all of the extra crap that is forced upon me that is mandatory (by her) to do. I have to do all of her shopping, ask/beg for her to let me know ahead of time, because I don't like shopping at the last minute. Then I make all of her meals, decorate, clean, etc. And, of course, nothing is ever good enough for her. I'm so glad when it's 12/26.

Years ago, I sang with the church choir here, staying to sing at midnight mass, then getting up at the crack of dawn to go to mom's. As I walked to my car, it was very lightly snowing, probably 1:30 a.m. at that time. So still and beautiful. I felt more Christmas in that moment than I'd had in years.  I wish for you a wonderful holiday season, try to find some time and peace for yourselves.

Hi everyone!! Where is everybody? I guess we are all caught up in life :).

Sissisu I am glad you are keeping boundaries set with your mom, I can imagine the guilt and the frustration.

Did everyone leave this forum and go somewhere else. I did love the whine thread that was my first love but in my distress I could only really handle sharing the crazy on one thread. I got great advice from both but a tad more encouragement and truth here.

Anyways, my pressure has been up, mostly from eating chips and things I shouldnt in my come back after surgery. I dont think I will go that route again my pressure is nothing to play with.

When I had the thyroid biopsy the doctor says you are a nurse you know this aand that my response was you know we make the worst patients and I can dish out all kinds of needles and procedures but not take it LOL.

Well the thing wanted to share was that I had opened a letter to my mother from the bank stating unusual and inconsistent transaction. An attempt to transfer $50000 dollars to another account. I sent it to APS. The account is most likely my sisters. My nephew makes a very good salary his car is paid for and he has no children and I am sure does not need to transfer money to his account for any reason. And since his name is on the account although for bill purposes not power of attorney, I would think that had he made this transaction it might not have been noticeable as he does pay the bills, taxes and insurance.
I am suspecting my tricky twisted and that my DN does not have a clue.

In any case, I spoike to APS to see if they could get more information such as who made transfer and into whose account and for what reason. Becasue they didnt want to do and dont do repairs in her own living space. The date was 10/24 which was long after the beam and bathroom repairs which I beleive was insurance.

So thats whats on my heart. Meanwhile I am trying not to feed into temptation of revenge and spite even thought I cant seem to let all that has been done go.
Yesterday I found the microwave oven stoped working and askd that they see that my mother eats dinner as I cant heat up her food on my way to work. I know I cant count on them and I had already had ensure and moonpies so I left her with an ensure and two moonpies till the morning when I am off and we can splurge and by that time I will have replaced the oven. I noticed to day when I went to use it the bottom part of the door was dented in humm!! You know I used to think it was crazy to think certain things but I wouldnt put it past my twisted, I have seen her sabatoge. Ihave never dropped it. But she had done whatever leaving it in the middle of the floor in kitchen I guess to teach me a lesson about leaaving where my mother can get to use it. I mean face down sideup. So the last time I went in what is supposed to be a kjitchen where she has oven toasters and gadgets with same risk by a plugand put them all on the floor.

Some times I feel like the dog who walks past the cat and gets swiped for nothing and havent a clue its comming.

So I am clueless about her actions but I know her motives are evil and I wouldnt put anything past her. I pray justice finds its way to her and kiss her good.

Meanwhile I am with a mild headache, part pressurwe and part this aroma therapy my client mother uses. I asked her not to use it even thought it was something different it still has same effect. I cant even handle incense burning.

Anyways, I hope you everyone who was able to do so, got out and voted today.

Girlsaylor I hope you are in good recovery mode.

Love and rays of peace to you all.

Ahhh duck, we are all still around, the site just seems to be really slow lately. There seems to be many new posters that ask their question, then never to be seen again. Quick flybys. One even was using a new username, it seemed like every time they posted. The site is not monitored as closely as it was a year or year and a half ago. And it doesn't help that the time and dates of posts are not working right.

Twisted, you suspect took 50k of mom's? Unbelievable! Good you sent off letter to APS. What is going on with that now? Any updates aside from the 50k? Twisteds are very impossible, always make life more difficult.

Sounds like you are feeling better too. That is wonderful! Great to hear.

Not much dysfunction in my life at the moment. Estate finally in the ending process. TS2 was terrible as POA and executor! There was an error made on mom's final tax return in 2017. I owed an additional 1K in taxes, hopefully no penalties, all because of an error with trust income being reported as personal income of mom's. I know and understand so little about taxes, but my CPA took care of preparing the amendment. The remaining trust money will pay the taxes that the three of us did not pay because of the screwup. It is almost done, finally. And ts2 provided some documentation on bills and such that listed a problem with the IRS in 2017. I asked ts2 what thAt was, she responded there was no error.😦 Not a clue that one.

We had very cold weather here last week, one of the coldest October's ever. I got a about 250 bulbs in just as the weather started to come in. I have about 150 left to go. Hopefully over the upcoming long weekend. It is plenty of work and I was hurting all week.

Crazy busy at work! I need a vacation, maybe over the holidays visit my kiddos. Just have to wait and see. Part of me would just like to go someplace alone. But, I can do that here.

Hope all are doing well, getting the rest you need, and doing something special for you.

I am still here.

Golden has been sick with the flue.

Duck, I would be careful about making assumptions about who is doing what. Is it possible that your mother moves stuff around? And that you AND your sister assume that it's the other one doing this to be annoying?

There are awful stores in the NY newspapers right now about deed theft and financial shenanigans in your neck of the woods. Financial fraud is being committed by real estate folks and shady financial "advisors" who get vulnerable elders to sign things they don't understand. Your mother is a prime target as far as I can see.

Don't assume your sister is behind the money transfer. Is APS investigating? If not, tell the bank simply that you are concerned about fraud against a vulnerable, demented elder.

Hi Duck! I'm still here just too tired to post much. Hope the money thing gets figured out and do take care of your pressure.

Glad- Good to hear things are almost settled. It's been a long haul for you.

So sorry to hear that Golden has the flu! You are in my thoughts Golden.

Barb - That is wicked scary stuff about deed theft and all. People can be so dastardly/

Hey everybody!
i try my best to read posts on this thread, to be supportive as I am able. Sometimes I just don’t have energy to follow through. I did help campaign for my alderman candidate, but was very difficult to Stan on street corner, waving at rush hour drivers, reminding them to go vote. Oxygen backpack on, so my hands were free. One hand for sign, one hand for my cane. We weren’t successful this week in unseating the incumbent alleged pedophile, has a rap sheet a mile long,p. It was a three-way race. We now go to runoff. It’s a real battle, trying to unseat big money backed candidate. The drunk, cocaine using alderman must have some scary chit on those in power. I work online on supporting our candidate on social media, trying to dispel the negative smears against him, as he is a gay man. It doesn’t affect his ability to do the duties of alderman.

Had second post-op surgeon visit today. Saw the PA. She reviewed xrays, examined leg joints, hips and knees, decided maybe a couple PT sessions to evaluate, show me exercises to strengthen my new hip. She will discuss left knee replacement with the surgeon, to see if we get me on the Spring surgical schedule. Have to wait and see if he will schedule, or wait until the final post-hip replacement follow up appointment. Earliest surgery slots right now are end of March. Not enough hospital beds, OR rooms, or doctors. Will get much worse if we were to have some type/combination of national healthcare. Be forewarned, peeps. Other than continuing to add to my activities, very slowly, battling exhaustion, the hip is healing nicely. Doc wants me supplementing vitamin D due to me being on Cholestyramine, as it can deplete the bones, making them very porous. Not a good thing for people with arthritis destroying joints. So, will look for the high dose vitamin D she prescribed, OTC. Will need to take it between noon and 2:00 PM daily, to try to get some absorption of the vitamins. BAM is such a difficult disease. Medicare isn’t going to be paying for monitoring my vitamin and mineral levels, despite me being on medication that prohibits absorption of fat soluble vitamins and minerals. I’ll be on the hook for those blood tests, most likely. Ridiculous, but it’s how Medicare treats labs.

WOW! That weekend went fast! So busy at work, overwhelming, I just woke up thinking it was Tuesday and public hearing day for a very political and controversial project. Going back to sleep now and hope to get rest of bulbs in the ground today and relax the rest of the three-day weekend.😕

Girl I am wishing you all the best in healing. That therapy does work. I had serious knee issues ( which I am afraid are resurfacing) for a good while before I got back to work. I had the best insurance in the world Medi and got diagnosed and treated with therapy. I fought hard for that last cortisone shot and just untill recently after 5 years I am starting to feel leary about what my knees are going to do.

I can imagine how hard its been recovering and straightening your muscles and attachments.

My knee was actually swollen. I just woke up, it felt stiff and it hurt. Then of course the groin and hip pain comes and goes. This aging process is not for the weak. I plan to keep going, limping, hopping, or crawling till I cant do it anymore. I hope I find a significant other before it gets bad. Sometimes I think I am letting good prospects get away. Two short but a man who can do everything in the house friends for so long. An old friend who really gets on my nerves because he knows everything even if he dosesnt know shista! LOL. Anyways hopefully I will get blessed with a good significant other somewhere down the line. Keep Hope alive!!!

Golden, so sorry to hear about the flu. I hope you are much better and back on your feet. I had it once maybe 15 years ago day after christmas I could not rise out the bed, I was down for three days. I been getting a flu shot ever since and worked on campaigns in hospitals to give shots. Which reminds me its time for the shoot , been so busy with the recovery and pain. I am very tired of doctors. I am going to check neighborhood for free shots like I did last year.

Glad that must be some type of land scape you have. I bet its beautiful when those bulbs bloom. Seeing flowers is so uplifting and remindful of God's work and love. I love it when I have to stand infront of someones garden and check out what else is planted and the beauty.

Trying, its always good to see you post. I can understand being to tired. I sometimes have so much I want to say but am too burnt to make the effort.

And here we go again with the holidays. I had such a lovely time last year on Thanksgiving at this church I was invited to by the know it all I mentioned above. T is a sweetheart but When our switch flips at the wrong time we are terribly irritating to one another. He love to say See and I told you so.
Anyways my "Aunt" Jean came by this week and she was complaining about her family upstate and in Delaware and wasnt feeling up to the trip. She used to spend her thanksgiving with us. So anyways I told her about the church.
I mean family has always meant so much to me and it hurts and hits hard on holidays how we dont do even if it was me making it happen. So its like a hard withdrawal for me on the holidays and going to that church just feeled over open part in my heart.Plenty Good food, loving atmosphere, happiness, appreciation and a little dancing.

Naturally I loved hearing the preps going on here also. Sounded so good, made me relive good fond moments.

Oh I still didnt post what I wanted since I was off. Last wednesday night I go out to play some numbers and get a few scratch offs. The microwave broke so I had left notes to please feed my lmother dinner on the days I worked. I usually heat up a meal in micro, take my shower then feed her, and go on up and get dressed. So anyway Im going out and check to see signs that she ate planning to pick up something for her. I was hungry but I had sandwich fixings in fridge. Anyways I look up and see this blue light flasing on. I was so angry and twisted I immediately took it down. Now I called T and he was like you were wrong its not yours to do that, it makes you look guilty, and by the time we hung up I was like you right Tony Im going to put it back up.
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But that next morning when I go down with no wig, a raggedy t shirt I sleep in that my mother shakes her head about when she see's it (wholes like I got shot)

Well to continue I have other night wear all types but I basically like nude and now its getting cold I like something that feels nude and this cotton shirt keeps me cool and warm and I love it.

Anyways here I am looking like a homeless person and then I see that spot where the camera is. Then while I am doing my usual routine I am on the phone several times for a good while. So that was a very thorough violation of my privacy because when I talk its with my closest friends and deeply personal. I have no Idea if this can be shared on social media, face book utube, but I dont step out the door with out my wig. Maybe once in a while. I always get someone , usuially and old church deacon visiting my mother years ago makeing cute funny accepting remarks after seeing me without my wig. I mean thats like family is only privy to that. I fuss at my son from the video chat, with time difference I m in bed (no wig). Its all good but its my prerogative to knowingly be seen not looking my best, or spilling my heart or something on the phone. So I still have it and its not going back up and if I see another one its gone also.

Then I am trying to catch up on my cleaning since before surgery thats over 2 months now. The Fridge has dried eggs on shelves. anyways its a mess. Then I go out back (I finally took the lock off door to shed, It kept jamming and during this last big flood they broke it open. I kept the mop and pail and other supplies back their. Anyways I open back door to get mop and I see where my mother was throwing things out the window from the top floor,. Maybe they found the window open, I had notice that they had cleaned up there and how my mop was dirty at the same time so I started putting it in the back where I have a back up hurricane mop which is awesome.

I also noticed that they put pillows, acutally the one the dog and cat slept on to the window. So maybe that was where this sudden concern or need to monitor came from. I had already text my nephew about the need for window guards up there. and really if they see a need for a monitor then she needs a home attendant.

I had made apt for her for this week for referral to podiatrist and for homecare. I cant even get her down the stairs to eat and I know it would be difficult to get her in and out of a cab. Then go through all of that and have this block from the health care proxy make it a wasted. So I am cancelling and hopefully when we get a home attendant I can do all of that. But after these issues with my knee and hip and I dont really have anyone to help me coherce her out the house in a car and so forth. I am chosing self presevation, for the time being.

I am still adjusting and readjusting to the knee and hip and groin issues. I give my self more travel time so I can walk slow, take my time. I am ususally a very spritful walker. fast and furious, not anymore. So right aftrer I made this call which wasafter coming home my first day returning to work and looking at my mothers feet she had her shoes off. Then not to mention the bowel issuses which I am hoping are resolved now, no more straining. It was a big scary show when I did. Then the pressure issue. So Ms know it all checked her self. I see my vulnerability, weakness, aging and that was what I got so depressed about during my recovery. Wanting to do and know I cant. So I stand down and wait for the APS process. My thing was if the doctor cant speak to me he can still check her and make referrals. But I have no clue what would happen and know I cant do any of it alone, now we get a home attendant we can work.

Not to mention the new openings for the mice!!'

So much more to say about HPD thats another story but I am now to tired to carry on with this saga.


Rays of love and healing to all. God NIte.

Hi everyone, I am back to share the HPD news. Well while I was out recovering from surgery I spoke to Mr. Grant Protective services for adults. This was after my nephew dissed him. A few days later he set upappointment with HPD to come and evaluated the needed repairs, I expressed concern and fear of losing the house or a crazy condemnation which is know to happen. He assures me that if they get guardianship this same process would happen and how I am crying every time he visits about the condition and needed repairs of the house. So I agree with the consult giving him times I am available. I was to expect a call from HPD to set it up. They never called and the next week I wake and see missed calls from him and HPD. I am upset that he didnt tell me he made the appts and that he left me with the impression that they would be callling me to set up apt. Now just before I return to work he asks if they called I tell him no. The next few days later the same thing. MIssed calls and now I tell him how he never set it up with me and the next time to text info so we can be sure and how I dont appreciate how he is doing this because every single time he calls and says can he come by I let him in. I get a letter from HPD about same say they will assume that repairs have been made if no response in so many days. I call Grant again he says he will take care of it. In fact when I called about the unsuaual attemtpt to transfer money out of my mothers account I had sent him photo of bank letter and and email and called to see if they could investigate it, he said yes and then asked if I had heard from hpd then I get the letter.

So that was confusing. I am really trying to get back to myself and on my feet. These joint pain issues and my pressure are working on my nerves and now I forgot all about the flu shot and on a new mission now to get one because I dont ever want to go through pneumonia again. I am so glad that my colds have been so few, I thank God because each and every time I get sickness in lung area it scares me into depression, it takes me back to that constant cough, and all the issues i have had since the world trade center. MY life change a lot since that day I went to save livess and help people. Thank goodness with certainn supplements and treatments on my behalf I havent gotten sick in a good while but I am afraid, so very afraid. So I on a mission for the flu shot. My pnemonia shot is still good.

Anyways I am thinking to just go ahead and hit my savings and pay off this refrigerator. To take off the load. And I am determined to do a nice "care package " for Sham's children, Not to mention something for my grands. I already got something for Sham's oldest daughter's son who was born weeks after she passed on. And for Shams sister son who is about 2 now. And then my baby grands birthday outfit plus one for Christmas. Thats it. Its exciting but I find it sressful and want to get it done and overwith;. I get anxious a lot easier here lately.

One more share, I got scared and angry after a crazy man jumped the turnstile in the train station and noticed I saw him. He called me all kinds of
B's and how he would bleed me like a pig, how much blood he would spill. It was so insulting that I got angry in the mist of my fright because I knew he was off his rocker. I dared not go through the trunstlile untill the train came, I asked clerk to call police because I felt threatened I knew I couldnt trust my joints to run if I had to and I wrapped my keys in my hand and fingers because I was going to fight for my life if I couldnt get aways from him. He ranted and waved for a good while and had people moving away and watching him. He seemed to have forgot me but I didnt know that and when the train came I got two cars down and watched for his butt from broklyn to the 125th street station where he made more ruckus before he got off.

People are so crazy,. I'm getting so tired of this sh*t called life. Got to keep on keeping on.

Love peace and happiness to all. Smile!!

By the way since Im on camera now I put on an act everynow and then. I Smile and act like I am on candid camera!! lol. I even get my mother laughing then we laugh together. Thats the camera on top floor. sometimes I just cant help it,it raises my pressure and ruffles my tail all this nonsense and craziness in what is supposed to be home then go out and hit the street and no telling what you may run into or what runs into you. Then I come home and find another basic channel is blocked out of spite. Its lake the same spirit that scared me in the train is in my home trying to reek havoc. My prayer and faith gives me grace and I am greatful because sometimes I get to see it unfold.

I hope you all are in good places spiritually, prayer and my gospel playlist lift me up, not to mention the prayer lines and my prayer partner. Thank you all for bearing with me.

Good Nite and sleep tight.

Greeting to everyone. It getting close to the holiday season which is so depressing. So I hope everyone is braced for the emotions.

Well like I said it was foolish of me to make the appointment for my mother to request referral to a podiatrist and homecare. I called to cancel and they told me there was no apt. She just had a regular check up on January 8th. When I told her that I had made apt for her with NP for the 14th she checked and said it was canceled. By the patient. Of course it was my sister. She is on some serious sh9sta.

I hope Iam around to see this pipedream blow up in her face. Its truly how I feel. There is so much pent up in me, anger, pain, saddness, shock, disbelief, revenge. I try not to feed into my need for reparation. I trust and believe that day is coming.

Its so frustrating, the work and care my mother needs. Most days she is just going from place to place fiddling into everything. Yesterday, Saturday I was not feeling well felt I was coming down with something. I had to go down to get the MOWheels and as usual I pick up things to cook the day before. Anyways she was knocked out so I set everything up in the convection oven which takes forever. After cleaning the usual clutter and secret mess. I layed down on the sofa bed. All the channels I like my sister has blocked and she blocked even more when I took camera down. Specific ones like Daystar a religious station where I catch joyce myers , td jakes and joseph prince. She must have over heard me speaking of them one day listening to me talk on phone in my room or downstairs or maybe their is other monitoring. Anyways I still find something enteresting and I leave channel on cartoons which I also had started watching, from the grands:) so certain ones I have learned to like,.

So Mr. Roberson who is 90, my neighbor told me he saw a doctor rining the bell the other day. I am a little twisted. Unless I am already downstairs and know of the visit I am not coming downstairs to answer door. Thats 2 flights to navigate with knee and hip pain.. I have made an appointment to sign up for HHC options to go to city clinics on sliding scale payments which is usually decent. I may need to get changes in my blood pressure meds because it gets high for two long. tonight it was 150/100 which is good for me.

Anyways back to these visits. Unless its APS and they will usually set up apt. If my twisted is seeting up something she needs to be there or inform me if she is counting on me to let sometone in.

Otherwise my aunt tells me ACS came to Sham's house about her second youngest dauther getting in trouble in school and not going to school. The father did not call the aunt but Sham's sister. My aunt is a narcissist also. She was spoiled and has similar tendencies and she got custody of Shar , Sham's sister at the age of nine when her mother ,ho is my mothers second sister, passed away. When Sham got married my aunt wouldnt let Shar go to the wedding threatening to find a place to live if she did. Sham has shared a lot of ugly about her which I can believe only because of my own mother and twisted's behaviour.
Anyway I think Sham's husband does not communicate with T my aunt becuase he knows her history and disrespect for a long time. He appreciates her but does not trust her. T says he doesnt buy food, or clothes. No more cell phone for the kids. She and other family and friends do their birthdays and Christmas and thanks giving. So its sad. One of the boys Boondock bonded with me when he was small. It broke my heart to hear that he is always sad. So his birthday was the 14th and I called to cheer him up put a card and giftcards in mail for T to get him and his twin and the Qumy the one who got in trouble a gift for their birthdays. I was just getting back to work when Qmy had birthday so my funds were low. They stil are.

I just want those kids to get some ray of sunlight to make them happy or at least hopeful.

Boon turned 11 and I thought it was so sweet when he said he understood when I told him Im not rich and cant get over there to see them as often as I would like to be there.

I know how much just a little bit of love means. I was lucky to have people who truly loved me and offset the ugly side of being my mothers daughter.

And the beat goes on. Im hanging on like snoopy.

Good nite, rays of love and light to all.

DDuck, what a twisted time you’ve had . It’s so crazy, the way Narc mothers and their golden child flying monkeys murder us, one bite at a time, cannibalizing our souls. I firmly believe there is a special place in you-know-where for those siblings who participate in the murdering of our souls. I’ve come to believe if a woman even suspects she is the daughter of a Narc, and has a flying monkey for a sibling, it is most probably true. For all children want and need to be loved. We victimized daughters often need well into adulthood to figure it out. Is it any wonder so many turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, so much self destruction. It is a testimony to your strength that you are the healthiest emotionally in your family. At least, as one of the targeted daughters, that’s how I see you. It can sure be lonely to wrap my head around having blood relatives, but little real sense of family. I stay away pretty much. It feels less painful that way. Scapegoating is little more than slow murder of the soul. If a sibling allows herself to be the Narc mother’s tool, she is as sick as the Narc mother. My sister continues scapegoating me even after both our parents have died. Now that’s sick!-her hanging onto the sick murderous behavior.

Girlsaylor, your post was very uplifting and bought me down to earth and the reality of what I am dealing with. My nephew sent me a text sayIm nothing and do nothing. Please stop pretending. its really ok everyone knows the truth. Ma is good and will continue to be good. You dont know anything or do anything. I was tempted to text him back and tell him hopeful a bucket of water will fall on his mother before he loses credibility in life and on the job.

Girl I went into prayer the psalms 142 - 144. It helped. I also called the prayer line and said a little prayer as I walked home.

The enemy is busy. I once loved and cared for my nephew like he was my own son especially when my son went away, People used to think he was my son. It will always break my heart to see where we are now. Its so sad to see the shallowness. I used to be so proud of him. I guess those childhood memories go out the window for some people. I just hope this situation does not cause him his job with the investigation of thisattempt to transfer of money and the obvious neglect and ignorance and arrogance exhibits in texts.

This morning I could feel the blood boiling in my head when I read his text. the sad thing is he and his mother truly believe it. I will try not to respond but words can not explain how bad I want to see the arrogance and authority shut down.

not one moment goes by that I can forget how my mother made my sister her protege and this nephew also. Its not lost on me that she is reaping what she sowed. But I know its wrong and in my heart and as my mother she deserves better.

I called the APS case worker. he says to email all to him. although its not accepting delivery. I am emailing all to myself and will send to him also when I get address resolved. I am sorry to hear about your similar situation but sharing has helped me. It helps to see that people survives this and worse.

I was starting to feel broken an hopeless for a moment there. Alone. Especially when I saw the typical expressions that are used by narcissists, it almost made me blow a fuse when I read it especially knowing he was puppetting a converasttion between him and his mother.

Thats the thing I really appreciate here is that I have learned so much about narcissism and that it not at all rare. Learning about it was the best tool I gained in learning how to deal with them.

Basically everything is out of my hands except for cleaning and feeding her and keeping the mice in check.

The rest is in God's Hands, and His working through APS and their continued ignorance and refusing to get her care and treatment.

I hope you all are in good spirits. I will be trying to get set up with a city hospital health plan where you pay by earnings, Last I had it, it was resonable although I was under this care right before I almost died from pnemonia after going to clinic and er every week complaining about my cough and phlem not going away. Thank goodness today I feel a lot better. I do have some congestion and its going to take weeks to clear up as usual.

I thank each and everyone of you who have shared their pain and progress. It really helps.

Girl, I hope you continue to heal speedily, Golden I hope you are well. Barbs, Glad, Church, Becky, STacey I hope all is well. Got much love for you all. Sleep tight take it easy in this holiday season. Give your self something special first..
Life is love. Keep smiling.

Duck, this may fall on deaf ears but you need to move on from thus ugly and abusive situation.

Duck, Get out of the house. Quit spending money on stuff for them to break and food for them to waste. Move on. Live your life for you to be happy. Your mom made your sister in charge of health care. We all care for you and want the best for you. You might get out and find that significant other.🥰

So, Duck; Let me lay this out the way I see it so that you can grasp what I'm looking at. Be aware, I live in Downtown Brooklyn, not all that far from you; I've lived in East Flatbush and worked in Brownsville. I've experienced the extreme dysfunction that sometimes exists in historical communities of color in NYC and worked with colleagues who have overcome the craziness that has gone on in their families and those who have helped others get out of this morass.

1. You live in your mother's home. You don't pay rent.
2. You have reported your mother's squalid living conditions to APS in the hopes that they will take guardianship.
3. Your sister and nephew (her son) also live in the homestead. They also do not pay rent.
4. Your sister is mentally ill and no longer works.
5. Your sister has a NYC pension.
6. Your nephew works for NYPD.
7. You are either an RN or LPN. You formerlly worked for EMS but now work for a contract agency.
8. You have no health insurance.
9. I'm not sure if you have Medicaid or not.
10. You have health care through the 9/11 funding.
11. You "make too much to get assistance" but are basically destitute. You are in arrears with the IRS, but don't seem to be able to translate that fact into reduced take home pay that would get you to the eligibility criteria for assistance, either for housing or other stuff.
12. You continue to buys goods, food and services for your mother's home even though your family trashes or steals what you buy.

Okay, so laid out that way, can you make me (or US) understand why you stay where you are?

If APS takes guardianship of your mom, you will be homeless. You need to plan for this eventuality NOW.

Barb you have laid this out clearly. I have often been confused about what is really going with poor Duck, Thank you, And I hope she gets out of this mess ASAP

Anyone have advice on how to stop my mother from abusing me out of grief and stress from likely losing her terminally ill sister soon, who's been like her twin for the last 80 years? I get that she's devastated, but I'm close to the aunt too and this is hard on me also. Being screamed at for how little I'm allegedly doing to help (I'm pitching in on cooking and errands; drove mom on a 900 mile rtrip to see another family member recently) and how "unsupportive" I am (hours and hours on the phone listening to how awful everything is every week) is really, really hard. I don't feel like I have any choice but to avoid mom to some extent if I don't want to be yelled at, but she's always with my aunt who needs help especially because she doesn't have any children of her own - another of my cousins is doing a lot of the care but I feel like it's not right to aks her to carry the burden alone. On the other hand I know mom will not yell at my cousin. Maybe I should ask cousin directly to let me know if something needs to be done without involving my mom, but I'm not sure she'll believe how mean my mom is being to me because mom isn't mean to her.

Sigh. This really sucks. Thanks for listening.

Hellebore7,

Sorry to hear about the verbal and emotional abuse that you are facing. Sounds like your mother needs for her primary care doctor or a geriatric psychiatrist to put her on an anti-depressant. It also sounds like it's time for some boundaries. For example, when she starts into an abuse rage, calmly say something like "I can't talk with you when you treat me like this. I will come back later when you have calmed down" and leave. Don't argue, just say this is not acceptable and as a consequence, you are leaving. Her being upset does not give her the freedom to abuse you like she is. I wish you the best.

"Mom, going over the same ground isnt helping. Yes, it's terrible that Aunt Ethel is so ill. It's clearly time for her to get professional care. How can I help with getting her admitted to a nursing home?"

If your mother isn't willing to see that her sister needs more care than you and your cousins can give, perhaps it's time for you to take the bull by the horns and contact your cousin with this idea. Your mother is going to die in her attempt to "save" her sister.

So, I’ve been fairly quiet. Some introspection, But mostly just busy going to PT, doing home exercises, icing hip and knees. Hard to do household chores, but I do cook every day and do up dishes, laundry, the necessities.

I learned a lesson this week. When dealing with a surgeon with a great big ego, don’t dare complain about the pain.. I was advised, after the hospital nurses didn’t properly chart my terrible pain after hip replacement, after hospital PT didn’t chart my pain properly, after I wasn’t asked where the pain was, not offered a pillow to support my back or knees, after I was not offered any assistance with positioning, for the pain...I dared to complain about being thrown out of the hospital in terrible pain, doctor ignoring my pain. Ended up it wasn’t the new hip at all, nor the surgical trauma. It was terrible muscle spasms and nerve pain from the surgeon lengthening my leg when he did the hip replacement. I dared to state to the PA that my pain was ignored, and once I was prescribed muscle relaxer and steroid pack for inflammation, the pain quickly resolved. It was so unnecessary. I was dismissed from his care, guess I messed up his stats, had the nerve to complain about the pain. He won’t be doing my knees, have to find another surgeon. It’s all for the best, I’m sure, after being treated so badly, by such a skilled surgeon. Too bad I messed up his stats. Once I have secured a qualified knee surgeon, I’ll be writing the hospital complaint and copying Medicare. Ugh, ridiculous to dis patients in pain.

Barb! I was just on line looking for senior housing. I am typing through tears grateful and sad and frustration. Please know I appreciate it all.

Same to you Panzimirrt.

My sister works and guess where, an agency that provides visiting nurseS. I am an RN. My nephews do not live in the house

I am hoping its just a home attendant situation and guardianship. In any case I do realize I need to leave. I really do. Ive applied at different placs and on housing connect. Today for before I got on the forum I was on line investigating options for senior housing. I see a few places and I am going to print and find time to go and fill out an application.

Thank goodness my pressure is back to normal. But now I have swelling in with some pain in my left knee and I am wondering sciatica or hip replacement on the right. I just went and signed up for hhc options to go to the gotham clinics one is not to far from me - 6 blocks.

Thanks for the heads up Barb, your advice and perspective is to be respected. Serious food for thought for me.

I know big change is ahead. I hope something affordable comes my way. Meanwhile I am anxious about my knee and hip issues for a while, as well as my pressure which is lovely I will see for how long. Right now I am focusing on those issues. Its taken me a very long time to finally get an appointment with the financial counselor. There are days when its seriously painful to walk. I feel like I have aged

GirlSaylor, most surgeons are very arrogant. But I think there was an issue with the nursing if your pain was not documented and addresss. I mean that should be automatiic with that type of surgery. I am glad you are coming along okay.

Golden, I am missing you.

If I am not back on before the holiday I wish you all a blessed and joyful holiday season for you and your loved ones.

This season is not good for me my father passed on 10/31, my grandmother on 11/22 and Sham on 12/6. Not to mention the situation with my imediated family.

I do plan to relocated whereever my son decides to settle down maybe get a cottage or senior housing.

Much love for you all!! Rays of love and healing to all.

(Again, thanks Barb from the bottom of my heart. I know you keep it real I was almost scared to read the post because the truth hurts)

Duck I was worried Barb's bluntness would push you away. I think that often we are so used to the daily rituals that help us survive that the extra effort needed to look for a lifeline seems too much, but then of course nothing ever changes. We are all pulling for you and hoping you can find balance in your life.

Barb, your advice was hard to read, though spot on. I know we all get stressed, and just get out the facts, blunt as it sounds. It took time and thought for you to type the advice out, and it’s helpful for all sitting on similar fences, to benefit from your wisdom.

Duck, you are making amazing progress working through your plan! I salute you! Hope your holiday has some peaceful personal time, just for you!

I’m doing alright. It’s a bit scary, trying to start looking for a new joint surgeon. I asked my PT today, but he didn’t know of good surgeons outside of their clinic. I’ll be working on it after I get this Social Security/Medicare appeal handled. Spouse made a poor financial decision over my objections. I told him to not take a large distribution from 401k to pay off house, all in one tax year, to take half in December, half in January. Explained we would get bumped into a high earner Medicare premium bracket. He wouldn’t listen, one of those, who has to always be right. Well, now it’s come home to roost, and we are both being surcharged higher Medicare Part B and Part D premiums. Thousands. I told him I couldn’t pay those higher premiums in retirement, but he wouldn’t listen. Now I’m faced with trying to appeal these surcharges, for income we never saw, went strait to the mortgage holder to pay off the house. Ticks me off, as he always dumps this crap in my lap. And I’ve got more than a full plate as it is. So, I read through the eight page letter of Social Security legalese today before physical therapy, contacted our former employer to obtain the letters, giving our retirement dates. Loss of income, retirement or losing job, hours cut, etc, are specifically listed as reasons they may consider an appeal. It’s so ridiculous I have to even do this, due to my spouse disrespecting my knowledge. I hate adversarial behavior!

Thanks, Yoda and Barb. I really probably do need to find a good counselor because I know from experience mom will about lose her mind if - when - her sister dies. I'll get a whole world of accusations of "not being supportive enough" which frankly I'm already getting.

Honestly it is exhausting to be the child of this woman. I could go on and on. Part of it is she is terrified of getting older herself and neither she nor her sister saved any money for old age so we are probably looking at Medicaid at some point. Not the greatest option but come on - *I* didnt make these women blow thru all their money and I have a lot of issues with my mother over other choices she made (leaving my dad, letting my personality disordered sibling abuse me as a kid, etc.)

Yep, it's time for counseling. Thanks again for the replies.

My problem which I have every year at this time is the struggle between doing the "right thing" which I guess would be putting all differences aside and making nice with my family or not going and preserving my own peace of mind which is fragile at best when I'm around my clan.

It's the same thing every year. Feeling like I should pretend that nothing anyone says or does bothers me and make nice with everybody and that self-preservation instinct which says Stay away from them at all costs! (if you know what's good for you)

I know it says in the Bible that you should love everyone, including your enemies. And I don't consider my family my enemies but also I don't care for how they treat me or how I feel when I'm around them.

So I guess what I'm asking is: Is it wrong to just say no to invitations and preserve my peace of mind or should I go to the get-togethers and grit my teeth throughout the whole occasion and then feel angry and out of sorts for days afterward? But know that I did the "right thing"