The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gershun, can you give us an example of how your family treats you?

In my family, everyone reverts to their childhood assigned place.

Do they treat you badly, or do they just not "get" you?

They treat me with a lack of respect I guess. I state an opinion about something and I get sarcasm in return or that "oh, your little pea brain thought of that did it? How sweet"

Or we'll all walk in the door and my narc sis will say hi to everyone except me and then say "oh sorry I didn't see you standing over there" Like, how could she not see me. I'm taller than most everyone else in the doorway.

Or if me and my husband leave earlier than everyone which we usually do, not even walking us out. Or lifting up the tag at the back of my shirt to see the label.

I could go on but you get the drift.

Then if we go to my in-laws it's my M I L staring at me all night and I mean staring and my F I L checking my butt out when I get up to leave the room. My S I L glaring at me and just the general feverish atmosphere.

So it's a no win choice either way.

And no, I'm not a raving beauty so that's got nothing to do with that.

Below is the latest from my husbands family after I informed them my LO was under the mental health act again to try and reduce his aggression which has increased mainly due to family interference and putting ideas in his head.
This is not new. The mother and brother have treated me like dirt since the day we met. 45 years of it

This email to me is even worse as it is from a man who beat his wife in front of his children many times. She is now an alcoholic and so is the youngest daughter


Lindsay,

Just so we are clear:

I have never rung the hospital to speak to staff or doctors, but on two occasions doctors have rung me to ask questions and hospital admin staff have also contacted me about Paul.

I have not encouraged Paul about going home, I have just listened to his accusations that you will not let him out to come home, even though he claims the hospital staff say he can go home. This is usually in the afternoons when he sounds far worse than he is in the mornings.The view is that you had tricked him into going into respite and was taking all his money.  

The confusing thing is that when I last visited Paul, I asked the staff if I had to get permission to take him out, if I had to apply or sign anything and if there were any restrictions. I was told no, I could take him anytime, no questions asked and they gave me his medication for the day. Bradley also took him out so it seems strange that he can't go home to visit, but can go anywhere he wants with us? I still don't understand this?

I have visited Paul three times since he has been in Melbourne and during my last visit I promised to try visit him at least once every two months. Hence I have arranged to go to Melbourne next week to see Paul, probably Tuesday to Thursday. I am not concerned about the expense of these visits as Paul is my brother, but I am more than a little disappointed that, to the best of my knowledge, Nathan never visited Paul in Campbelltown and that Matthew has not been to Caulfield. They both seem very opinionated about the situation and each other, but to the best of my knowledge neither could make the effort to visit Paul interstate when he was in hospital. Even Bradley, for his faults, has visited Paul in both Campbelltown and Caulfield.

We all view things differently and have different understandings of the actual situation, you undoubtably have the best understanding of Paul's situation, but from my personal perspective, if it was my wife suffering from a condition such as Paul has, I would do my upmost to keep her at home to look after her. Grandchildren would not matter as they have their own parents to look after them. If the condition was that bad that she had to stay in hospital, then I would want to visit the hospital everyday to see Ria and spend time with her, and if possible, take her out, almost everyday. After all, what else have I got to do that is more important? This is my personal view and of course I am not actually in that situation, as you are. I have never expressed this view to Paul because I know what damage it could do, but I am merely being honest with you and do not intend to do anything about it, because it really it is not up to me.

Finally, my only interest is getting the best result for Paul. I wish he could be at home, but if that is not to be, then I wish some other solution could be found to bring him some peace of mind. Unfortunately, I do not know what that is and I do have sympathy for your situation.  

Feel free to tell Nathan to stop ringing me, but I would be grateful for you to continue sending me email updates whenever necessary, and I will continue to keep Beryl informed as appropriate.

Mark

G, it is ok to decline an invitation. I have done it with the twisteds. And who do I think I am by being hurt by things they have done? Who am I to not even want to go to the functions? I don't know. Thinking about it may be residual gaslighting.

It is the anger I feel towards them for what they have done to my relationship with my oldest daughter especially. The narcissism of twisteds really got through to dd1, and still does. And it hurts! But, try to talk to daughter about it? Always turns back on me, they trained her well.

Spending holiday with crazy daughter and son. Had a nice chat with him last night. Twisteds tried to get through to him too. He kept saying no, and eventually they gave up on him, thank goodness. Not sure about other daughter, she has indicated they have tried with her too. Being a therapist I think she understands what has happened.

For me it is just much more pleasant to stay out of twisted's grips.

So G, do what feels right for you at the moment. It is ok to say yes, and decide at the last moment not to go. I KNOW where you are at.

Thx Glad

It's just insidious isn't it. It's not blatant enough to be called abuse but it's still not right. I don't care if it's human nature to have your sibs see you as you were when you were young. It wasn't nice when I was young either.

Maybe it's time for them to see me as an adult. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't the a**holes they were when they were young but they prove they still are when I see them now.

I was always the brunt of everyone's jokes when I was a kid and still am and frankly am tired of it.

Yes, maybe I've just given myself my own answer to my question. I guess it's good to write things down or type them out in this case.

Gershun; I would not give those folks the time of day.

I don't think that the Bible meant that you have to take abuse. Just loving folks from afar seems enough to fufill that commandment, don't you think?

True enough Barb! Yes, it doesn't say let people treat you like a doormat in the Bible does it?

Now if I could just stop the guilt feelings I get if I don't go we'd be in business.

What do you feel guilty about, Gershun?

Have you done something wrong?

They are treating you poorly, by definition (being sarcastic, making remarks about your intelligence? That's not the way polite people act.)

You are never required to subject yourself to insults voluntarily. Does it say in the Bible that you have to VOLUNTEER to do that? When you know in advance that they will treat you like that? Serious question.

Barb, I've always felt like I should be the peacekeeper and in doing so try to bridge gaps, mend fences, be the bigger person. etc. etc. So along with that comes the guilt if I don't continue to do that.

It's like if you see something bad happening and you don't participate but you also don't do anything to help. Then it's almost like you are just as guilty you know what I mean.

The old saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" So I feel if I don't go to my family get togethers it's like I've given up trying to make things better. Does this make any sense?

It makes perfect sense!

Does your peacemaking having any good outcomes for anyone?

Good question. I don't know. But maybe it's not for me to know. You know?

LOL

It's like yesterday. I was paying for my ticket for the train to get back home. This man came up to me and said "Excuse me ma'am I wonder if you could help me. I just got out of hospital (he pointed to his hospital wrist band) and my wife has my train access card. I've only got one dollar and I need two more" So I looked at him and said "you asking everyone this?" His response, he points to his wrist band and says "yeah, they're selling these at the dollar store right?" then he rolled his eyes.

So I knew he was scamming me but I gave him the two dollars anyway. I watched as I walked away. He made a motion like he was going to pay for a ticket and then proceeded to go try other people.

So yeah I got scammed. But as my mom used to say, just do the right thing. It's not your job to know whether the people you tried to help will learn anything from it but as long as you continue to do the right thing.

Anyway, I've monopolized this thread for the afternoon. Thx for the advice. But I should let other people have the floor. :)

Gershun, My in laws are like this running all over one of their own, but to the oldest kid, my hubby. To top it off, my MIL has always pushed us to go to the "cousins gathering" of her side - and all those offspring are sorry drunks. I begged not to take the kids early in my marriage, but "Mama Said" won out. It was not until I caught one of the uncles waiting for my little boys outside the bathroom to do God knows what to them and I let him have it that I had the courage to separate myself and my kids from that ridiculous gang. When we went, his siblings would talk down about him in front of his face and encourage the cousins to pile on. It was very ugly. We were the only sober people there, but he felt the same kind of familial obligation that you are feeling. There is none. There's a verse about being as wise as serpents but as gentle as doves... it's a lot easier to be gentle if you are not in a viper pit!

MIL just brought the cousins gathering up to me last weekend. I told her we had not been in at least 14 years (the youngest has never attended) and I had no plans to start again. "Oh, but so and so will be there, and, it will be at Aunt So's new house." My dear, my kids have semester projects the next week, my **grandchildren** are going to be visiting, and it simply will never happen!" I went off on a tangent about the last time we went to Aunt So's new house 17 years ago when her daughter was pregnant and I was pregnant with the next youngest. I reminded her I did not say anything about being pregnant despite throwing up about every 30 minutes (see, we still *had* to go - I pointed this out to her) because her daughter was pregnant with her first and I let her have the limelight (actually, the cousins would have made fun of my pregnancy while celebrating hers). I had MIL whinneying that I had been so nice to do that and everything. She's not forgotten that I said no, but hubby's job to wave her off is now much easier.

I maintain that family is who I chose to love, not some random genetic link. Gershun, you talk about the Bible telling us to be nice to everyone. Think about how some people think that a sexily clad lady "deserves" to be catcalled. That's how some relatives feel about us - that we deserve to be mistreated. It's a lot easier to love those catcalling neighbors if we never hear them misbehave, right? So it is much easier to love/respect/not despise the obnoxious relatives if we don't need to face them en masse where they will irritate us to no end.

Gershun,

Peacemakers often get crucified for their efforts with little or no change.

It's ok to set up boundaries with your relatives. I had to with mine and wish that I had done so sooner!

Love and fences go well together, particularly when the people you love are not treating you with love.

Abusive people tend to depend on guilt in the one they abuse to keep them in range for more abuse.

Please stop letting other people use you. It's not helping them or you.

I'm not feeling well tonight and have not for 10 weeks. So, if I'm a bit blunter than usual that's why.

Take care of yourself.

Part of the reason I try to maintain family relationships in spite of everything is it was my mom's dying wish that we do so but....I can't do it alone. It's a two way street.

That was one of my Mom's dying wishes too Gershun,that we all get along .I try with my brother's,but it's not easy~

Hi all! The one thing I respect about Barb is the honesty and upfrontness. As I said I was almost afraid to read post. I saw how she started LOL.

The one thing I have to share is that I grew up with a father who talked real hard talk to me but was real talk and for my own good and I saw it and knew it and respected it. It was truth and something that I never repeated.

I m getting better but I am a scaredy cat when it comes to making big moves for my good. So used to looking out for others, I found myself having to learn certain things and I am its what has scared me the most what happen to that self preservation gene. I should have been long gone, no contact 30 or more years ago. Yet I can be a tiger for a loved one. Now I hope its in the cards for me to find a special someone before everthing stops working. LOL, I m thinking it will happen when I am free and clear of all this nonsense. Just got through text whipping my nephews' butt talking bout I am pretending but he will go along!
At least this time the pressure didnt fill my head. Speaking of pressure the salt is a big culprit. I bought a breakfast bacon, egg and swiss cheese which I split with my mother. I eat half on train and give her the other half with ensure. Well the next day my pressure went up. I did it again this morning and it went up further so no more of those breakfast sandwiches.

So Gershun you know people with good hearts are targets for narcissist they either manipulate our hearts, pockets or minds for their benefits. belittle or sabatoge us or our entegrity so they can look good.

What I thought was family and love was a farce. But before I figured that out (and boy was it painful) you could not keep me from being there doing for my family.

So now here I am watching the hectic shopper, and in some ways I have a little envy wishing this on myself for my so called family. But I am truly so happy and relieved. I miss it but Im glad I saw the light.

But for those of you who still have it bask yourselves in that love. Make those loving memories. I still remember my uncle spencer in his black hat, coat suit sharp as a tac. The only two times he was decked like that was xmas and thanksgiving I used to be so proud to come pick him up for dinner and that he would demand request my peacn cheesecake from Phili cheese (Oh so good) and for xmas his old spice. Or as a kid all the family eating at ms Elizabeths with her beautiful red living room.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. If its too much stress and drama leave it alone. Surround yourselves with smiles and love.

Rays of love and joy to all.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you from the US. 🦃

I do read and I will be back . There has been too much going on in my life for me to post. I think things are settling down now,

Gershun and Duck - and anyone else to whom this applies - if it is of any help, I have gone no contact with my sister, It would have been very hard to do when mother was alive and well. I have been ramping down the relationship the last few years, and now that mother is gone and the estate is nearly done with, I have taken that step, with no regrets. My family of origin was broken and not I, nor anyone else, could fix it. I stopped trying years ago and just went into survival mode.

I didn't break it and I couldn't mend it. The best I could do was look after myself and it is what I recommend to others.

Take a deep breath and look ahead a few years, then consider what is right for you.

On my domestic front, my dd and dgs went back to their home a couple of weeks ago, built up ready to tackle their family issues again. I think it will work this time. Dgd plans to go back to counselling, back on meds. and back to school. Time will tell but I think eventually it will work out.

My kitties had their surgery about a week ago and are doing very well. I knew it was time for me to stop posting for a while when I wrote that the bill would be three figures. I meant four and it nearly was, but they are spayed and vaccinated now. Pumpkin managed to get the cone off after a few days, so I took it off Rocky as well. They returned to normal grooming but didn't fuss with their incisions, The worst part of the cone was that they couldn't scratch their ears or wash their faces so I was on ear scratching and whisker and chin rubbing duty much more than usual.

All of you - take care of yourselves. Love others as you love yourself -not more than. We are to turn the other cheek, but God says nothing about going back for more abuse.

(((((((hugs))))))🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Golden, great advice as always. I've missed seeing you on here.

I know what you mean about scratching duties with your kitties. My one kitty had to wear the dreaded cone for two weeks. I'd take it off of him periodically and let him groom himself. Man, did he go at it. 🐱

Dysfunctional? Well my whinge today...

I resigned my unofficial, unpaid caregiving role for a relative some time ago. Once I stepped out * living at home independantly* was exposed as the *very dependant wanting magic* that it was. Collapse of the magic doll's house is in progress.

Relative now looking for AL. Thinks I will locate one, do paperwork, pack up, clean out, arrange move. All without POA or Guardianship.

I drove her to a dental xray once - just provided the ride. I *made her* have the *yucky xray* which was *really hard*.

Arrange the whole AL move? Not a chance. This little near-boiled frog has hopped out & hopping away....

beatty - good for you not trying to fix the unfix-able. Sometimes it is better to let things fall apart. The truth tends to come out. Good boundaries!!!

gershun - the kitties are coming to me for more scratches now even though their cones are off. It's different for a dog - they don't need to groom. Kitties HAVE to. As far as being nice to everyone the bible instructs us to avoid certain people.

lu - mother wanted my sister and I to get along but it never happened and, in our case, she was part of the problems.

glad - I have been wondering about you and ming. Has she settled down? Horrible what the twisteds have done in your family. Dd fell for mother's stories at one point but, thankfully eventually got past that. It's very hard to go through.

tg -wondering how you are doing

Getting over a gut bug. Hopefully back to more normal eating tomorrow. Coffee doesn't sit well right now and I miss my coffee.☕

Ming is good, she will be happy to see me tomorrow. Originally, dd1 was going to smoke the turkey, but with the super cold temps here that will not work. Dinner was to be at 4 that way. Now since she will roast the turkey, dinner moved up until 1. Hooray, really wanted to get home tomorrow but do not like to drive much past dark any more. This way I should be able to leave here by about 3. Home by 5 or so, so should be good. And more weather supposed to be coming in. Just had a big one come through on Monday into Tuesday. Need to get home, quiet solitary rest of the weekend with what must be a very lonely kitty by now.🐱

Great to see you post, Golden!

glad - i hear you about weather. We have snow plows working overtime today. Much better to drive in the light. We get dark so early now.

I imagine you are dark by 3 or so? Here now is about 5 next month on the solstice will be around 4:30.

Sunset is about 4 pm now.

Bedtime here. 😪

Good night, glad.