notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I too, have been terribly sick these past few weeks, first came down with a simple cold a few weeks ago and had the lingering cough which finally started getting better, then got an accessed tooth that came on 2 days before the Brits arrived (3 families) for Christmas, got right into the dentist and put on 2 different antibiotics, and then went right into entertainment mode, picking up 2 of the 3 British families from the airport, the very next day I started coming down with another cold and sore throat, bagged out of their first day of activities, but joined in on the day trip to Snoqualmie Falls, the Cougar Mountain Zoo all done up for Christmas, reindeers and Santa, then to the Snoqualmie Casino for lunch in their Buffet, all very nice, but we had 2 days of the Worst rainfall on record, flooding on many roads,and of course the traffic was horrible due to both weather and holiday travelers/shoppers, all while not feeling well, but there we are. I skipped out of the evening with all the relatives, and I mean 35-50 people, hosted by eldest sister in her Condo's Cabana, just too wiped out!
Next day was early dinner at second eldest sisters place, followed by an evening at Warm Beach Christmas Lights, Beautiful! We took our 2 Grandsons 10 & 5 as promised, and had them overnight, but the following day I was again just wasted!
Now one by one us 4 sisters are coming down with the same cold sx, but I thankfully am on the mend, so much planning and preparing for the relatives to come, getting ready for the holidays and each of us had planned a special event, mine is the New Year's Eve party, which we are holding in our mobile home parks Club House, which is so beautifully decorated for the holidays! It will be a potluck dinner and BYOB, and one of my Son's is DJ'ing the event, so it should be great fun for everyone, about 60 people expected! I'm tired already! The good thing is that everyone is great about pitching in and cleaning up afterwards, so no big worries there. Seems all we've been doing is eating and partying, and running the I-5 corridor!
My 2 brothers are also hosting the Brits each one night in their homes, and so far they have all said that this has been a Fantastic holiday for them, and especially their 6 kids, as we have so many kids (grandkids) their age, they have been loaded with things to do, non-stop action!
They are renting a house over 3 days of Christmas to be together as a nuclear family, otherwise they are all farmed out, staying with our family, it has been crazy busy.
Tonight my own family (our 4 kids/spouses and 3 Grandsons) is getting together at our youngest Sons, for dinner and presents, and tomorrow we are staying home, and the kids will all spend Christmas with their in laws and families, so a quiet day, we are cooking a roast, and our one unattached Son will come join us. Then the festivities will ramp back up after Christmas with the Brits, some are going skiing for a few days and the others wish to tour Seattle and shop. I have so enjoyed seeing them all, but will be relieved when they go back home on Jan. 3rd,, we have all realized how difficult it is to host like this over the holidays! Whew!
They have all been wonderful hosts when we have visited the UK, but then the crowd of family isn't so huge to manage as it is over here! Next time they come I hope it's Summertime!
Well, I am off to get ready for the evening and load up the Sleigh, lol! I hope all you with colds and other ailments are feeling better and you all have a Fabulous Christmas! Love, Stacey ❤❤❤
I hope you are feeling better soon! A nice quiet holiday is what dreams are made of, I'm sick of seeing my family for the moment, just kidding! There's 20-40 of us at every event, sometimes more, but I need this 3 day break! Big families, it's a killer, but a lot of fun too, you do get used to it, but so many days in a row is bit much, especially when so many of you are sick in some capacity! My one Niece who is hosting one family in her home has Strep Throat, and my Girl Cousin is now sick too, it's an Epidemic! Lol!
Merry Christmas!
stacey - so sorry to hear that you have been sick. You have been having a whirlwind of a time with your family. I can imagine you need some down time. I bet you are exhausted. but have many wonderful memories of so many family together,
pamz - I am not much for for later in the evening either. Years ago when the kids were very little I used to sneak away during the party and "check on the kids" which meant lying down beside one of them and having a snooze. No one ever caught on. Hope your dd feels better soon.
duck - blessings to you too
I am having a lovely quiet evening,with candles, and a fire on, and watching a couple of Christmas music presentations. The kitties are down in their room so I dare light candles now.
Tomorrow will be quiet too. I bought a few treats for myself, but other than that it will be life pretty well as usual which suits me well. Boxing day I will have turkey supper with dd and fam.
Merry Christmas everyone. 🎄⭐🎄
Be good to you.
Still feeling yucky, so happy I am home without any family activity, especially dysfunction. Just relaxing in bed mostly. Delsym is great for controlling the cough that I have. Have used it before, but not as directed on the box. I guess it builds up in the system too.
DD2's hubby said he doesn't get twisteds or DD1 either and thinks that DD1 does things to intentionally hurt me. Of course I agreed with him. Sad isn't it? Wonder what the heck I did to her to make her so angry with me.
Rememebr sometimes it not anything you did at all, it's how the other perceives it - or even their agenda.
I know a lovely lady with 2 brothers - great guys. Had no idea there was an estranged sister for years until I met her at a funeral. Toxic vibes so strong you could feel them. Talked at you with this bright eyed look waiting to see if she'd hit a nerve. Watched her work the room. Her aim seemed to be to hurt & cause drama.
The family sociopath!
Hope yours is not that bad!!
My life is slowly changing for the better. I am thriving at the program that I switched to last March. No more abuse or fear at my job. The lead teacher is a peach and our team is nothing but supportive of one another. The work is still challenging and often draining but satisfying in many ways.
Mom is not happy about being in assisted living or anything else for that matter. With the help of some counseling), I think I truly accept that, Just because Mom is old, it does not change the fact that I did not cause her lifelong unhappiness, I still can't control how she feels and I still can't fix it.
Visiting her will always be a crap shoot. Sometimes she is OK and sometimes she is horrible. I have been going to see her three or more days a week for an hour-1 1/2 hours. My counselor suggested I cut back to two days a week and only stay 45 minutes. I'm ready to do that without feeling guilty. She is safe and well cared for. My sister visits 2-3 times a week so Mom is not neglected.
It's been slow progress for me with set backs but I realized this Christmas how far I have come. I used to love doing Christmas but for the past 6 years I it has been a chore to do even the simplest things. This year I cut out all the "shoulds" that made me feel resentful and focused on the things that I like and do best. I gave up planning the extended family party or trying to coordinate getting together with relatives that just don't seem to care. Instead I made a beautiful Christmas for my own kids and grandkids. Did Christmas eve with Mom and that was enough. I had the best Christmas in years!
Sorry for the long ramble . thank you for listening and Love to you all!
beatty - you described my sister - the family sociopath They like jerking people around. You are so right about perceptions.
pamz - glad your dd is better and no one else got sick. In some ways my food allergies work for me. There are many things I can't eat no matter how tempting. Better for the blood sugar if not the taste buds. So far I have avoided D Type 2.
trying - so good to see you posting. Happy to hear your life is changing for the better. Your work situation sounds much improved. Cutting back on visits to your mum can only be good for you. You didn't make her or break her and you can't fix her. Great! I had an insight about mother being responsible for dealing with her own feelings. We should not try to take that away from anyone, Not our job. So glad you cut the "shoulds" out of Christmas. I did that years ago. The sky didn't fall in and I felt much relief. Good for you!!!! Keep up the good work.
Very quiet here. Went to dds for turkey dinner on the 26th which was very nice, My dgd actually bought me several little gifts - very well chosen. I was touched,
I have been feeling particularly exhausted the past few days so got my thyroid test done Friday and should have the results tomorrow, Hopefully that's all it is. It often does off a little in the winter.
Been having litter box issues with Rocky. She is the Princess and the Pea kitty. 😼 I changed the litter and the location of the box and so far it is working.. I also am using a "calming spray" with catnip and herbs and it seems to work and has cut down on furniture scratching. Time will tell .Pumpkin is very easy going and makes me laugh. She tried to climb up the bathroom vanity door, hung there with her claws, then fell off. This cat has no dignity, She just doesn't care. 😸
Planning a trip south as soon as I get enough energy. I want to get a new passport and the office here is not helpful, and doing it by mail takes ages.
Take care all - look after yourselves.
Trying its so great to hear how you are moving on.
Beatty awesome observation of the sister. I know that bright eyed look you described, my sister has worn it often.
Golden, so great to see you post and in good spirit.
Stacy B, all the best to you and your family.
Glad, feel better soon.
Pamz, I agree with your theory in socializing. I am about the same.
So the drama continues, so much has happened that I have forgotten a lot which is kinda of good.
My frustration is still there, but gets better as I realize and accept that both my sister and nephew are mentally ill.
I had a crying moment as I prepared to meet friends for dinner. I dont care how hard I try the sum of my observations around my mother and her care hits me hard and by surprise sometimes.
So observing that Christmas morning when I got off I made sure she ate. I came down much later and saw no one had even made and effort to bring her food or make sure she had. That morning my sister only bought a big cup of coffee, I guess knowing I would be home soon. I was an hour later and got home around 10a my mother was starving ate well, no signs of any thing except a cup of coffee.
So I felt some kind of twisted seeing no one cared enough to feed her or assumed I would. So I had seasoned some food before I went up that morning to cook on thursday so I went on and finished it and fed my mother.
Thursday I cooked again and was downstairs all day and most of the evening. I did laundry and bought groceries to cook on Saturday. Bought a pizza. She had funny going through bags. She had left overs, pizza and didnt seem to like this chocolate cake I bought in xmas morning.
Friday I slept late came down to get dress to go out to dinner and found my mohter on stairs with bread in bag and on floor. When got downstairs she had taken every thing out of freezer,. the meats I bought to cook on sat and an apple pie I was to put in oven. Luckily the food was still cold and not spoilded. I heated up a slice of pizza and made sure she ate it before I left.
I cried hard in the shower, things just hit me hard. I had nice time at dinner. I came home and fed my mother and again she ate like she was hungry it was obvious no one had given her anything on christmas day, thursday or friday.
Saturday we cleand , I moped baked pie made food, got weeks supply of meals on wheels, put everythging away. Fed my mother.
When I came down Sunday the pie and four meals were gone the sink was a mess. The fridge was emptied, at first it looked like someone had finally made attempt to address the fridge. it was a mess. I think my mother did one of her special messes. Was grateful at first that it was not left for me and that maybe some one finallly felt responsible to address issues downstairs. I took what was left of the meals to my room fed my mother and went to work.
When I returnedz, l did video and later realized that stuff was thrown out without regard to being newly bought. Then when I came down on way out to work it seems the rest of the stuff like dipping sauces teriakiyi sauces, and marinade things that were on the door were thrown out. I looked at video and it seems my nephew came back and just threw everything out.
Again I am pissed that things I bought were discarded with no regard.
But I have decided not to fall into the trap. I will not acknowledge any of it at all. I wont say anything. I'd been meaning to get to the fridge anyway now if he scrubs all the shelves and door my job will be done.
The grandiousity does something to me. I still didnt get lock cut off bathroom on my floor. Its in the works, I chose to do it after the holidays.
I am learning how to stand down and stop responding to the bait, I will see how that works.
Meanwhile, Sham's sister got engaged to her boyfriend, finally their son is I think three. (YAY)
Knee and hip pain has eased up tremendously. I still have moments but YAY! again.
2020 Vision for us all!!!!!
duck -you do sound better. Things are still very frustrating for you but you are handling them with less upset to yourself. So glad your hip and knee pain is going. I sure understand you being pissed off at some of the things that happen. What's happening on the APS front?
trying = you sound like you are in a good space. So glad you had a relaxed holiday doing it "your" way. I gave up trying to meet the expectations of others years ago. I sure helps.
The kitties are entranced by watching you tube videos of fish, birds, moving string, insects - whatever someone has dreamed up that appeals to cats. They watch and pounce and reach under the screen and even try to chew it at times. When I sit down with the laptop they come running and want their piece of the action. It's fun to watch them. Rocky particularly gets very intense about it, but then she is an intense creature. No more litter box problems since I moved two boxes in their room to the back corner. They seem to like it there. I hope we will continue to have success in that area.
I have been ignoring estate issues this week and must get back to the few remaining things and get it mostly wrapped up if I can. I seem to need to veg these days. Then I need to start on a pile of my mail.
A writing bug has hit me - stuff about my childhood and beyond, I know there are things that need to come out (of me) and this is helping. I am feeling safer and safer regards no contact with my sis. My nephew will let me know if anything drastic happens to her, but she is not able to bully him to pester me. I want this last phase of my life, however long it turns out to be, to be free of toxic relationships, or as free as I can make it.
A very good thing is that I have only experienced FM pain once in the past 6 months or so. I am sure it is related to the lessening of stress since mother passed. If I get through the winter ❄❄❄ without it, I will know it is gone. Then I hope to see lessening of the fatigue as well as more FOO things are over. Yay to more energy this year. I am looking forward to it. May as well expect good things.
Take care all. Hope the new year brings any blessings to all.
Only spoken to mom on the phone twice since she’s gone. Have not and will not see her. Very strained relationship. Will not go see her because she is living at my brother’s home and I refuse to put myself in a situation where I am a target.
The holidays held a mixed bag of emotions for me, partially sad, partially concerned for mom but happy because I had freedom to spend time with my husband and daughters as I chose to for the first time in 15 years!
Still struggle a bit not knowing what the future will hold for mom, if she will remain at my brother’s home, end up in hospice or a facility, perhaps die and I won’t even know or be invited.
Made the decision not to be around her with my brothers present. I took care of her for decades and they were hardly around. My husband says that I did more than my share and I have. Just kind of weird not being around for the end.
She became very demanding and wanted me to do it all. It’s too much for one person. I realize it was partially my fault as well because I shouldn’t have tried to do as much as I did on my own and burned out.
Oh, but she is paying for additional help while at my brother’s house. My SIL works full time so she can’t and wouldn’t anyway. Don’t blame her. It’s hard being a caregiver to the elderly. She never offered to hire help for me because I am the daughter!
My mom always favored her sons and her generation is of that sexist mindset where women are caregivers and men are kings of the castle crap.
She complained so much to my brother that he criticized instead of helped. Not that I expected him to. Finally said to my brother and mom that he could take over.
Still seeing a therapist. Started volunteering at the food bank. I enjoy it. Am going to continue to do so.
Started clearing out closets, walk in pantry, cabinets. What a job! I couldn’t do anything that required a lot of time when mom lived here so things have accumulated.
My house is neat but I have no idea why I held onto extra stuff. I guess I couldn’t get rid of sentimental things. It’s funny, we put them away and end up forgetting about it.
I would love to downsize at this point in my life. We’ll see. Can’t convince hubby to move. Tired of living in a big home.
Rant over. Hugs to everyone!
I am glad you posted as you have been on my mind ever since your "not going to funeral" post but I haven't been sure what I wanted to share with you. Having not attended either of my parents' funerals, by choice I have had to work through a lot of feelings of loss of FOO, in addition to the "normal" grieving. However, I realize that I would have had a lot more hurt to deal with had I gone.
It must feel very weird not knowing if you will be informed when your mum passes or invited to the funeral.
I think you are wise not to see your mother. and to stay away from your brothers. I totally agree with your husband that you did more than your share. It's very sad when sibs can't work together, but sometimes it is how it is. I am glad you took a stand as you did ad stopped doing do much for your mother. It was too hard on you.
As to fault, I prefer to look at it as taking responsibility for your part of the dynamics. I wish I had stepped back sooner. It would not have changed mother but it would have been healthier for me. Hind sight is 20/20.
I am so glad you are doing some things just for you. I sure understand not being able to do things when your mum was there. My mother never lived here but I was POA financial and medical and then executrix and I am still behind dealing with my own stuff, And I am worn out from the years of stress.
It must hurt that your mum is paying for help at your bros but would not for you. Some twisted ideas there and not rare. My mother saw whatever travelling and hotel expenses I had in caring for her were mine to bear, which I did, but when she was planning to take my sister to the most expensive hotel in town when sis next came to visit so the both of them could have a week or two holiday together, I put my foot down and said if you can afford that you can pay me for my trips!
God, in his wisdom, did not give my mother any sons. I know she would have ruined them.
I am slowly downsizing. It isn't easy. You can still live in a big place but with less stuff. That is sort of my next step. The less stuff, the easier the housecleaning.
Take care, need. You deserve some good things. ((((((hugs)))))
Golden - My heart hurts for the way your Mom treated you. We can do our best to detach but being treated as a second class daughter stings no matter what. You are an inspiration; living proof that we can move past the hurt and find serenity.
I am feeling the post holiday blues right now. I miss my kids and grandkids very much. I will get over it soon enough but until then I am going to take it slow and be gentle with myself. I'll ask my husband for extra hugs, stop to look at natures winter beauty more and ignore "I should" thoughts when I really need to say no.
For the last couple years I have been arranging for my mom's care long-distance and flying back and forth every month to take care of all the loose ends. But I'm about done. I'm tired, I've taken a ridiculous amount of time off from my job, my family misses me, and I can't help but resent my mom's increasing demands on me when she was so cruel to me over the years. She refuses to move out of her house, let alone to assisted living near us. She has said in passing that she would consider moving in with us, but there's no way on earth I could do that to myself, let alone my daughter, especially now that mom's dementia is so pronounced. Anyone else struggling to bring themselves to care for a cruel parent?
Geeeez, your screen name suits your lifestyle. That’s tough. I don’t know how you manage as much as you are doing it long distance.
So sorry you are dealing with this. Your mom should be willing to move into a facility near you to make it easier on you. I don’t feel like she should have the option to stay so far away. Can’t you just tell her that you are not going to help her any further unless she cooperates with you?
After all, you can’t put your job in jeopardy. Could you tell her that you cannot take off any more time with work? That’s not really a lie because you really shouldn’t have to take off any more time than you already have.
Sending you a bazillion hugs.
There is something called a health care manager who you can hire to manage getting your mother medical services if your mother has health issues that need tending. If there are not medical needs that can be handled, then you must simply let those loose ends go and allow your mom to make bad choices.
I had to walk away from mthr's bad choices 16 years ago. My husband was able to talk to her about quarterly, but not me - I would be depressed for weeks afterward. Eventually, Adult Protective Services called us and asked us to rescue mthr. We did. I was afraid she would shoot me (literally), so I stayed in the background at the attorney's office and my husband took her to some places around town while I filed for emergency guardianship with APS on my side. Hubby and I drove home in separate cars since I was not convinced mthr was not armed and she never saw me. She went straight to memory care where she's been for the last 7.5 years, warm, fed, and cared for medically and socially.
The emergency guardianship allowed us to change her address so we started getting all her mail so we knew her finances. Eventually we had it all under control. This took a while, but it was not as much as you are saying. The way we handled it protected our children from her abuse and allowed me to heal. I strongly recommend allowing your mom to fail on her own and without you in attendance.
I hope all of Y'all who have been fighting Aches and Pains and Winter Colds and Flu Bugs are feeling much better! This past holiday for me and the Stress of the Holidays and preparing for visiting relatives sure does make a huge difference in recovering from those same illnesses. I got hit with a cold virus, a cracked and then abscessed tooth (plus the "digestive" complications from the 2 antibiotics, Yuck!), and then Another cold virus on top of that, and I have been just wiped out by it all, but thankfully the relatives have all gone home, another successful Christmas under our belts, as well as a New Year's Eve Party which we hosted, Whew!, and I am finally beginning to get a little energy back.
My hubby is still having bouts of sadness from losing his brother, but that is as expected for a while, I am still in disbelief about it, because he seemed to be doing just fine when hubby was down there visiting in September, And because I can't find a death notice on the internet, I'm still not sure if the whole darn thing isn't a hoax. Isn't that terrible, me thinking that they would even pull such a stunt, but in truth, I wouldn't put it past him, but I do not speak of my suspicions to my husband out of Love and respect, so I just continue to sleuth, unfortunately Az state has "privacy" laws that keep death notifications private for some reason. I may be being paranoid, but I don't even trust the guy in death, it's just Awful! Does anyone have any ideas how I can find out for certain, PM me if you have any suggestions!
So Happy New Year's Everyone, I hope that it is a time for Turing over new leaf's (is that a word, lol!) for healing our bodies as well as our Spirits and for nurturing healthy relationships. Cheers Everybody!
For Me?!
Its time for Healing!!!
My heart is moved reading the posts on this page seeing the pain and the wrongness, feeling same over smilar issues.
It seems that a lot more things are coming together and making sense in my head here lately.
These past two days I met a woman on the train going to work each day. I felt a spiritual lesson and had a type of healing and growth or reminder. The first lady looked homeless, had this large shopping cart with a large heavy duty black shopping bag. She appeared tired, had on a bonnet? and I just assummed she was cray cray or homeless. There were hardly seats and I took a window seat near her and she said sorry sorry and I responded for what no problem. I was very very tired and a tad sad wanting not to have to go to work. Anyways she was nodding and leaned close to me and apologized. I says to her I thought you were going to lay your head on my lap for a minute there and we started talking and laughing. She showed me pictures of her new grandbaby, It was weird and I thought what was that about. I thought she was homeless and turned out she was a woman who had worked hard in her life and was a little eccentric but bought smiles to quite a few of us on that train ride.
Today I left out earlier so I could pick up lunch. The train was unusually crowded. So I am know I have to take any seat and not my favorite window seat. But, But But I spot a window seat get too it wake the man on the isle to get there and see a dried hunk of feces. It was old and not smelling butt I was like whew, ohh, will you look at that and end up sitting were I started to sit at first - Next to a woman who was a cancer survivor and mother of three women from 40 to 55 and she was 65. All she kept saying mostly is that she was God's Child. She says people walk around depressed and sad. We have God in our lives we cant be anyting but happy. She says tomarrown would make a year that she has been cancer free. She was the cutest little woman dressed very nice, makeup and red lipstick.. As she told me her story about the cancer and all the support and love she felt from family and friends and her church and how she was blessed and how she stays from negativity, people who complain and put you down; it bought tears because it uplifted me and I told her how I had a patient who had ca and how this pt had just about every orifice sewed up from bouts with ca and this woman was so up lifted and happy I almost cried infront of her. I asked her something like how can you smile and you are going through so much and she said similar to this woman on the train. Turns out her uncle was a famous minister in the area whose ministry had deeply effected my spiritual walk,
So I got the message again, how to trust in the Lord and leave things in His
Hands.
So that is mostly what I have been doing these last few weeks and its gets hard but I am have less stess and more growth.
APS - The case worker said the case was open and I would be hearing from them soon. I said that he had told me that 6months ago. So I am still waiting for something besides a visitfrom him.
I had made an apt for my mother in november to get a referral to a podiatrist ;therapy for the poor skin integrity of her legs; evaluation for home care, and ensure. I learned it was cancelled by my sister when I called to cancel it myself realizing my mother would not go out the door with me and I couldnt ever make her do so without help. Anyways at that time I learned her next apt would be tomarrow. My sister is the health care proxy for myt mother and has me blocked from her information and care. I am thinking that because APS stepped in at some point that my mother got a referrel for severe dementia and I was able to learn of this apt.
So this morning when I got in I called and explained that this was a case with APS and to please leave a note for my mothers care practictioner to refer her for the same request I mentioned above
So I am hopping that she gets these referral and request set in motion.
Other wise all is well. Pain is almost nil. Had a brief return to the hip pain. My pressure goes much lower than usual though it still gets high.
All the best and rays of love and light to all.
Sorry, a pass on the brothers LOL.
(cute user name BTW lol, man can I relate!) I too have a brother in his 50's who has yet to get his act together. I'm glad you at least seem to have a good relationship with your mom.
On the teeth brushing- maybe try one of the candy flavored tooth paste flavors they make for kids. It tastes good so it encourages kids to brush, maybe that would appeal to your mom too.
There are also cleaning sponge swabs that you can give her that wouldn't feel rough like a brush. I'm pretty sure you can buy packs of disposable ones so when she's done just toss it. I used to keep those in a glass of ice water at my Aunt's bedside after her stroke and it helped. You might be able to flavor those too with something that doesn't have sugar.
Two classes with the goal of preparing a business plan with a competition for cash awards at the end. It is exciting and I am apprehensive at the same time. At least I will get an idea on how to start. Maybe be able to do something with it while improving economy in these parts. 😳
On another note, I have stayed in touch with mom's Saturday caregiver. She is thinking about moving to this area. Actually she put in an offer on a home that is just a mile from me, as the crow flies. All kinds of red flags with the house, I have put in my two cents, now just need to let it go. She recently got engaged and I think the hubby to be has way too much influence on this decision and no contribution to the purchase. 😵 Though it will be a VA loan, so hopefully they will reign this thing in. Feeling frustrated about this, need to take my mom hat off.
trying - hope you are over the blues by now. Great that you are being gentle with yourself, looking for beauty and ignoring the "shoulds". Those are good daily practices. Yes the emotional abuse stung, and it was my mother and my sister, but God is good and I have been and am healing. It's an ongoing work.
struggling - you are not alone Its horrible seeing one's kids getting it too. I'm glad you know that your mum can't move in with you. My mother was cruel too and it is very hard doing what has to be done. I had to pull back in terms of contact. Getting a good assessment of her once the dementia started was very important as the professionals were able to accomplish things I couldn't. We have to distinguish between needs and wants. The needs have to be met but not all the wants or demands. Once the POA was active, I said "No" to some things. Mother didn't like it but it had to work for me too and also be the best thing for her. Sometimes what she wanted wasn't good for her. Do you have POA financial and medical?
need -good suggestion about struggling setting some boundaries
surprise - I seriously decreased physical contact with my mother and it helped. I think a health care manager is a great idea. but sometimes we have to let them make their own bad choices . Mother made some before POA was activated. I understand feeling afraid your mother was going to kill you. I had that fear in a few situations too.
stacey - Happy New Year to you. 2019 was exhausting for me too and I am feeling good about this year 2020. Hope you are recovering well from all the bugs and visitors . I can see why you are suspect about you bils death. I have no idea how you can find out more. Hope you can. A new leaf is turning over here for sure - out with the toxic, keep only the healthy!!!
duck -time for healing - me too and so glad to hear that from you. You have some very interesting train rides! Trusting the Lord is the way to go. Hope the referrals for your mum go through. Pain almost gone !!! Awesome!!! and your BP is doing better. Sounds like good progress.
dys - greedy selfish siblings are not rare here - and they make the difficult job of care giving that much more difficult. I am glad you and your mum are close. Sorry for the loss of your dad, though your life may be easier now. Could you and your mum brush together? -would that help?
beatty - great suggestions
piper - great suggestions too!
glad - this new venture is so exciting. Congratulations on being selected!!! WOW 😲. Very interesting about the Saturday caregiver. It would be nice to have her close enough to visit with regularly. Re the red flags - you've put your two cents in - not much more you can do. Hope it works out well.
gershun - read somewhere that Daniel is having more troubles. So sorry. Hate it when our fur babies are suffering. Hope he feels better soon.
Christmas was just a quick turnaround trip. I got there and she was ok most of the evening. I had zero clue about my brother, who had said in prior years, giving of gifts was ridiculous, as we don't really need anything. Mom said he was ruining Christmas, so he's relented. It was the trading of gift cards between the two of us (which Mom said isn't a gift, she doesn't want any of those damned things!). I then got her a bunch of stuff, saving one item for later. Brother got her another cell phone. She's only had 3, all of which were "stupid", meaning she couldn't work any within a month or so. She's a technophobe. Gone thru 3 (and I'm guessing it will be 4) cell phones, 3 tablets, and one laptop. For the laptop, I've not shown her enough. I set it up (she bought it) to be as user friendly as possible. She expects to click one button and see everything. The one compliment I've gotten in recent times, is how good I am at it. (Duh, I work in a pseudo tech capacity at work, to which she said all I do in punch in stuff on a keyboard, that is NOT working!).
Next day, I had to clean for her, so I got up early as I was driving back that day. Cleaned everything, and had brought some laundry of mine to do (can't you do that at home? Yes, but didn't want to say washer is kind of on the fritz and hers is new - so why not - as she slept in all morning). I'd asked if she wanted to go out to her favorite restaurant, and she turned it all around that I had an ulterior motive. No, I honestly did not. Just trying to be nice, which backfired. So we finally go to one store, after she did everything but get ready (I'm sure to annoy me). We had to get extra strength Tylenol and look for something else. Her shoulders and fingers were hurting, and she yelled at me saying I didn't know what pain was! No one does except her! Her mood from Christmas changed on a dime; from nice to nasty. So we get back, I made something to eat, then start packing. She yelled at me for various things, cannot remember what, except I just wanted to get out of there. I finally left, and then she called me when I was about 2 miles away. Forgot the big box (her gift which was being returned). Fine. Then I said is this it? I guess. Nope, she called me again - at the same place almost. I was hitting their rush hour traffic at that point. What did I forget? A gift bag. I kid you not. One that I had put a gift to my brother in (I'd bought the gift for her to give to brother and put in a bag so she wouldn't have to do that). She didn't want it - so throw it out? I finally left for good.
Hearing about her fingers (loss of dexterity and feeling - yet she's never wanted to see a doctor, I'm supposed to cure it somehow), and her neighbor, who is so well taken care of - in contrast to Mom (per her). Neighbor has a large family, and is very easy going. Mom, not so much. Her neighbor told her, oh sounds like carpal tunnel, I had the surgery years ago. Now, I'd looked up symptoms online, and told Mom years ago, sounds exactly like carpal tunnel. No, that cannot be it, that is 'with your wrists'. She now believes her neighbor, and wants to get her fingers fixed. I said well you need to tell me what doctor you want to see, then set up appointment, and I will take you for initial visit. She's not done a thing. She wants me to do it, so if it goes wrong, my fault. Not happening. Now she's not answering her phone. Probably expects me to take down her Christmas tree. Not happening. She could have a table top tree, but refuses. Brother can do it. I'm really tired of everything he does is golden (mostly), while what I do is never enough or correct. He's been sick recently, and she rants to me about that - we're both weaklings compared to her. Then she cries about me not wanting her to live with me. Wonder why? Not happening.