The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Bookluvr, I am truly horrified & speechless. But I did not grow up in the selfie gen - every detail of their lives are a pic - their intention was probably to 'share' news via image.

I'm probably old school, but bad news like a death in the family was delivered face to face if possible. Or by phone to the most direct and senior relative. Never by leaving a message with someone, voicemail or text.

I suppose it was done in person or by letter the gen before & telephone news may not have been appropriate? I don't know.

I'm still speechless.

Beatty, it wasn’t an announcement. I’m assuming it’s more like: Grandma has finally found peace after years of being bedridden. She has suffered so much... I will miss Grandma...

Well, all I can say is action speaks louder than words....

Remembering someone laying peacefully - well that's a good memory. Occasionally I'll dream of my Grandma & then when I wake up I miss her. May they be at peace ❤️.

I got bad results from an AARP online test that I took for free and can take again in 90 days.

Activity wise, I am as active as 75% of people my age of 62.

However, my brain activity was less than expected.

My Recognition Memory, Recall Memory, Working Memory and Processing Speed scores were all below the expected range for people my age and gender. 

If my mind is really this bad, then maybe I need to be in assisted living? ha, ha, ha I sure hope not.,

Hmm, Yoda, that's interesting. I don't know the specifics of the test, but all "below average" means is that you're in the bottom 50%... and that's if you can trust the metrics of the test.

Someone has to be in the bottom half. I was in the bottom half of my high school senior class, and still got the top SAT scores of the entire class. I'm saying don't put too much stock in it. If your friends or family start to tell you they're noticing a difference, that's what I would be concerned about.

I hope you're doing all good otherwise.

I posted -- VENTED is more like it -- a lot on Facebook during The Caregiving Years, and when my grandmother died, I posted about her funeral, too, including a pic of her in her coffin. Here's the thing: she looked better in her coffin than she had in many years, and I thought that could be a blessing to some... ? And I thought she would be ok with it. She finally had her hair done, was wearing her glasses which was a familiar look she'd had for 30 years but not in the last few, and the embalmers had plumped up her gaunt features somehow.

Idk, everyone deals differently, and the thing to do when you see these kind of posts on social media is to give your friends/family feedback... like you did, Bookluvr, by saying "take it down it isn't appropriate." I'm sure they otherwise don't get it, and are doing it to fulfill a need of their own.

I've been checking in on AC every couple days in the past few weeks but I never/rarely see anything in my News Feed for this thread, and I assume that it's slow over here. I'll start checking it manually. Hi, Duck, post away, even if no one sees it for a few days, we will when we get back around here.

I hate open caskets. I know that I do not want others standing over me staring at my dead body. It just seems so odd to me.

A long time ago I couldn’t get used to the idea of being cremated. I still don’t know if I want cremation or not but I know I want a closed casket if I am not cremated.

AliBoBali,

My wife has noticed a difference and she has been diagnosed with mild cognitive dissonance.

Otherwise, we are basically ok.

Thanks for asking and for your encouragement.

((Disclaimer: I am sad and need to vent))

This week I've been reading about narcissism. Different online magazine and therapy blogs. I took a few personality quizzes - where do I fall on this spectrum, where does my mom fall . . . .

OMG my sister is a textbook malignant, toxic narc! I'm not sure why this surprises me. I was always aware something was wrong. I didn't give it much thought, beyond this is "just who princess is." My mom rationalized it (which in turn normalized it), and we all fell in line. She was exposed to this in her own family - her mother would call it "street angel / home devil."

I've always been charmed by her, admiring of her, and terrified of her. I resented my mom because she didn't stop the cruelty. She didn't defend me, and I'm pretty sure our brother felt the same. I've brought this up with mom, and her story was that she just could not fight princess. Mom was exhausted, working 2 jobs while raising 3 kids - alone. I remember our childhood, and I get this. There is no resentment on my end, only sympathy and understanding.

My mom is in a NH. Her other 2 children have stayed away - when she needs them most, which is not a coincidence. I thought they were going to help care for her in her old age - that's the impression they gave to her and everyone else. Princess always referred to mom as "my best friend." That declaration was, of course, only made in public. It was a performance of some type. She's always been quite the little actress.

When mom's health problems started, the real princess, the narc, revealed herself. The blaming, the accusations, all of it. Mom liked having surgeries, she liked doctors, she liked to be babied. My role as caretaker became twisted as a codependent, dysfunctional user.

This was her story. This was her OUT. This is the explanation she gave (and probably still gives) to explain why she doesn't have contact with her elderly, disabled mom. Who could blame her for needing to distance herself? She has reinvented herself as the victim. Where is her Oscar??? Best leading role as abused daughter/sister goes to . . . Princess!

I'd like to apologize to anyone who decided to read this droning, fractured post. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, anger, every emotion all at once. Mom's NH has a few covid-pos residents. I'm not sure how many - it went from 0 to 8(?) in a week. This is a 50 bed facility. Mom has a history of bronchitis. She is non-weight bearing because of many failed spinal surgeries (omg, going back 15 years), and her life is spent laying on her back in bed. She can be hoyered into her power chair but she cannot operate it(torn rotator cuff). She is in chronic pain. Pain meds manage it somewhat, but not fully. Her mind is foggy, but she is mostly (somewhat) lucid. It varies during the day.

I visit her outside of her window and we talk on our phones. I bring snacks, puzzles, clean clothes. I try to entertain her by being weird (no effort on my end!!). Last night she got to witness my yoga flow - standing in the mud, in my now-too-tight jeans and hoody, my bandana mask around my face (I was alone, why was I masked?). I'm glad I can amuse her.

I didn't speak with her today. Lately she is confused by her phone (Jitterbug is a cheap POS, but it has nice, big buttons). She cannot sleep on her new air mattress and it's making her more distressed. I can't stop thinking about her and crying. Trapped in a broken body and a quarantined building. Nothing but time to think about her life, her children, the grandkids she didn't get to know. How cruel.

Just a rant. I never cry for very long. I know complaining solves nothing - I don't make it a habit.

AND . . . if anyone is interested, I'm thinking of offering free 'awkward yoga' classes by webcam - dress as uncomfortably as possible.
;p

Hugs, Squee.

I will love thinking of your mother watching your awkward yoga, with a smile brought to her face 💖

Squee, I'll join your yoga class!

I only wear (stretchy) yoga ready clothing now & practice most days. It is really helping my strength & mind.

Just remember it is not your fault your Mother got old. Certainly not your fault about the pandemic but you are doing what you can to protect her by being an outside visitor. The rest is out of your hands. Peace to you.

I think the picture of a loved one in the coffin/casket is a family/ cultural tradition. My mother had pictures of her parents in their caskets. It’s something that is personal for those who do it. At least that is what I think. No judgement either way from me.

the co- worker of my mother who helped me with my mother in the stages before we got mom diagnosed as incapacitated, just had surgery for cancer. I’m trying to keep up with her health when she posts.

I won’t be going to California this summer as planned. Maybe next year, I hope things will be better.

when not working, I’m painting, gardening and cooking. Oh the exciting life I lead, lol!!

Squee,

I’m so sorry things are hard for you right now. I have very crappy siblings so I understand your dilemma. I went no contact with my siblings.

Hugs.

Countrymouse -
Hugs back to you! I have no dignity left, but that's ok.

Beatty -
Namaste! Awkward yoga requires constricting clothing - this is mandatory.

I was making plans for a yoga retreat this summer. Not happening. So many independent yoga studios have closed. They will have a hard time bouncing back from this, I'm afraid.

NeedHelpWithMom -
Hugs back to you! You are so gracious - thank you for your kind words. I sometimes forget how much they help.

Well, it doesn't stop, does it?

The lower town site has been evacuated from flooding due to an ice jam backing up the rivers. Thankfully we all are up on the north hill. The hospital is downtown and being sandbagged as a precaution. The "old" city started downtown in the valley and then expanded to the surrounding hills. We are now cut off from everything . except what is up here. Thankfully I got a grocery order a few days ago as that store is downtown.

The city is arranging accommodation of the evacuees. I gather some are being sent to work camps as hotels are filling up. This combined with the covid crisis is not a good thing. We have a boil water advisory but that is not difficult, just a pain.

Hopefully the ice jam will break up soon and the water level will drop. It can happen quite quickly I think, and then there is "just" the clean up which will be major. Some people have barely finished their insurance claims from the fire in 2016 and still have flashbacks to that. And we have a few forest fires around but nothing too bad. This is the worse flooding that I have seen here in 40 years. The whole lower town site has never been evacuated that I know of.

There is an "eerie" feeling in the air tonight. One of the kitties has been restless. I hope there are no more challenges in the offing.

Golden, just WOW! Happy you are safe and how much this must add to the stress of covid. I would be having PTSD after the fire too. Take care and stay safe.

Golden, I'm glad you're okay! So much going on right now, that does just add a new level of stress. Hopefully the water levels will drop soon. Hugs, stay safe!

Golden, I saw pictures of the ice jamming OMG! I have also heard of them happening, but never seen one. That grocery delivery sure was timed well. Do they issue weather warnings when they know conditions are right? Probably a silly question. That combined with covid.

Here the southern state are dealing with some terrible spring storms that bring tornadoes that have destroyed homes. Then dealing with covid. People living in shelters and trying to social distance.

Covid restrictions in the state have been lessened, a safer at home phase they call it. One size does not fit all. Friday we had 269 cases, close of business Monday was 317 sounds like it is due to outbreak at a cheese plant. Meat packing plants seem to be especially susceptible. A prison in a neighboring county has an outbreak, went from single digit covid on Friday to 160 close of business Monday.

Monday was start of safer at home, so many more cars on the roads already. People have become tired of quarantine and have cabin fever. Just way too soon for rural area here to be out and about. No self discipline or enough introvertedness. 😕 in the very beginning it was said that it would hit rural areas harder and later. That appears to be the case, here at least.

Stay safe everyone.

I take that back, neighboring county was 262 close of business Monday. Just rechecked.

Catching up" before I go on again about the flooding.

open caskets - One of my early childhood memories was visiting a neighbour's house. He had died and was in his open casket in the living room. People were visiting and supporting his widow. I believe it was the custom for their culture. It was peaceful and I developed no dread from this experience. My grandfather was in an open casket in the funeral home. I recall looking at him and thinking that "he" was not there. Posting these pics on fb is another thing and can step on people's feelings.

yoda - hope the results are stress related or something like that. We all are under a lot of pressure.

ali - I am somehow not surprised that you got top SAT scores!

squee - big ((((((hugs)))). I have a narc sister and had a narc mother too. You have my sympathies. Scary about covid cases in the NH. I am so glad mother passed in 2018. Realize her situation is hers to deal with and feel about.

sharyn - I agree re caskets. Sorry about your mum's co-worker. It sounds like you are keeping busy. Yes, I and the kids here are safe though it does add to the stress.

fraz - thx Too much going on!!!

glad - the pics are impressive. I get weather warnings on theweathernetwork and I now have the ABemergencyalert app on my phone. These and the disasters you mention raise the covid infection risk. I have read about the tornados. Awful!!! I so agree about one size not fitting all when lifting restrictions. So far we have 20 cases in town and 2 recovered in the region, but an outbreak at one of the work camps. I expect to see a sharp rise in numbers of cases here in about 2 weeks

Unfortunately when restoration starts after the flood we will get (some shady) crews from out of town as we did after the fire.. The first lot advertising is from Calgary where we have our worst covid scenario. Not a good idea. We have a couple of meat packing plants with outbreaks down there and unfortunately some of the infected workers have family members working in long term care home. It's a bad scene all around.

I agree lessening of restrictions will lead to more outbreaks. Some people here are restive and mad at Public Health for keeping restrictions. Selfish for sure. Even now too many do not practice social distancing. Now people are opening their homes to families affected by the flooding which is very kind of them, but is anyone thinking of the covid risk?

I realized what the "eerie" feeling was about. All power has been shut off down town. It was eerily still. Pumpkin was in and out all day. I think she senses a difference. Rocky slept more than usual and didn't want to go out.

Another area, not flooded, has lost gas supply so they are without heat etc. I am thinking of all the businesses downtown being flooded, including the store who delivers my groceries. I guess that won't be happening for a while. I hope frozen groceries in downtown stores will not be lost. Those who are part of the bigger chains have stores up here, so I guess they could transport some stock to safety.

My middle son is in charge of IT at the college (main campus downtown) and he was there yesterday supervising the removal of the servers and other hardware to a subsidiary campus on high ground. Lots of work.

continued -

For me, as with covid, life goes on much the same, but there is the concern for others and a few adjustments to make. I have a large freezer in the garage full of meat, veg etc, I have some canned and dried goods, If I run out of something "essential" (that, of course, is very relative) I suspect my sil will get it for me. So far my amazon orders are still coming in. The highway is still open. The bridges are built to withstand the pressures they, no doubt are experiencing now. The raw force of nature is impressive, as it was with the fire. When we see it in it's glory it realize how small and powerless we are.

With apologies for the language, I like a theme posted on face book.

"I don't need to be told to keep calm.
I'm Canadian and we invented that sh*t!" 🍁🍁🍁

Take care, all.

I think I need toget that put on a T-shirt Golden 🤣

Golden,

As a child my mom went to funerals held in homes. It frightened her and she told me that she always ran through the living room so she wouldn’t have to linger in that room. Long after the funeral she was afraid to be in that room and would make a mad dash through the living room.

I remember going to the funeral home that our family always used in New Orleans. It was a beautiful place, but scary to me.

I am quite sure part of that was all of the horror films that I was taken to as a child because that is what my brothers wanted to see. When I told my mom that I didn’t want to go, she said, “Well, majority rules because all of your brothers want to go see that movie.” It didn’t matter to her that I was scared or several years younger than my older brothers.

Oh, and people would look at me as a child and say, “What a beautiful little girl, the little princess, the only girl with all these boys. She must be so spoiled.” No! LOL I learned to defend myself having older and younger brothers.

One odd thing that stays with me is the color ‘mauve.’ At one time that was the trendy color that was used in that funeral home. I hated that color because I associated it with death. Oh, another odd thing was I couldn’t stand was gladiolus because I saw so many of those flowers in funeral bouquets.

Isn’t it interesting how we have those flashbacks and associations?

cw - yes. good idea. Order one for me too! 😎

need -sorry, you and your mum had bad experiences. Personally I love gladiolas. They are one of my favourite flowers.

Just thinking about the covid crisis, the flooding and boil water directive.

get mail - wash hands
unpack groceries - wash hands
open doors -wash hands
pump gas - wash hands
wash hands - wash hands...

Golden,

I do think they are beautiful flowers but I have vivid memories of them being used frequently in funeral arrangements so I guess subconsciously I associate them with something sad, like a funeral.

My parents took us to a lot of funerals from very young and I had so many nightmares because my great aunt told me the person in the casket was only sleeping. I thought if I went to bed that I would end up in a fancy wooden box and never get out and people would come and stare at my dead body.

I did have two young cousins die of cancer and that added to my fear as a kid. I used to play with my cousins, the next thing I knew I was at their funerals.

They didn’t know how to handle children attending funerals then. So, it was confusing. Plus, that bedtime prayer that we said as kids, ‘Now I lay me down to sleep. If I die before I wake.’

I had this phobia about dying as a child praying that and going to every funeral that mom and dad went to. They didn’t leave us with sitters.

There is another side to the funeral thing. When my Dad died I was four and was not at his funeral so for me he just was there one day and gone the next. No closure. I recall asking mom where he was and her saying he had gone to Heaven. But at age four I had no concept of where or what Heaven was. I used to sit on the front lawn and wait for him to come back from Heaven. I think going to his funeral or at the very least having death explained to me would have saved me from a lot of heartbreak.

need - I hear you about that prayer It wasn't entirely comfortable for me either and telling you they were sleeping was, imo, a mistake.

I think your experience and gershun's shows that in those days they did not know how to deal with children and death.

So sorry, gershun. That was hard. I didn't go to either of my parents funeral but that was an adult choice by me and very different from yours. Even then I kept having dreams that my father was alive - for years and years. Hope things are better for you now in that regard.

Very windy and sunny here today and going up to 72 F (22 C) which should help melt the ice jam. They say it is the worst flood in 100 years. All we can do is wait for the melting. I am heartbroken for the people who were evacuated, and the businesses. There is so much damage.