The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gershun,

I am sorry about your confusion too. I certainly was confused as a child. Psychologists have said that under the age of 8, children cannot understand the concept of death. This is true.

Young children can’t feel as adults do. They aren’t mini adults. They are children with childlike feelings.

When my uncle died, my cousin was 7. He asked his mom to bring his daddy’s medicine to the cemetery to give to his father so he could come back home. There’s the proof that a child under 8 can’t fully grasp the concept of death.

My youngest daughter was very angry with me for not allowing her to go to my father’s funeral at four years of age. She screamed at me later saying, “Sissy went, my cousins went, I loved grandpa as much as they did. Why couldn’t I go?” My oldest was 11 and I felt that she was old enough to understand.

I was shocked that my daughter was so angry. I wasn’t sure what was best. My girls were very close with my dad and I thought it would scare her.

Maybe I was wrong. She was upset with me for a very long time afterwards. She felt like I left her out. I suppose that I did but I was trying to protect her. It’s hard to know what to do.

Golden,

We did bedtime prayers with my girls but not that one.

My memory of that prayer stopped me from saying with my girls.

I've never spoken to them about it but my brother's kids (ages 6 & 8) were with him when he died - on the whole they have always seemed to be well adjusted about it.

Maybe you can't make a rule about children and funerals. Maybe it depends on the individual and the situation. Of course children will not understand as adults. They can't.

Finally the ice jam is breaking up, the river is moving and the water levels lowering. We all are breathing a sigh of relief. Staged re-entry (we had it when we returned after the fire and will have it for moving to our "new normal" with covid) will begin with experts checking out any safety issues in businesses. Services have to be available before people will be allowed back. Half the number of homes that were lost in the fire have been destroyed with the flood. Probably many of them the same homes.

I'm experiencing bringing flashbacks to our basement floods and all the stuff that happened as a result. The fire was May 3rd 4 years ago so this time of year is bad anyway.

I read on a Fort Mc face book page that beauty salons will be opening here on May 14th. I am not sure I am brave enough to go there. I think the close contact in salons would be a great place for passing infections on. Hopefully there will be some safety conditions attached.

Have a good day all and stay safe.

Golden,

I don’t exactly know when we will be reopening for business here. All I know is that I am not quite ready to be in a crowd. I wonder if I am in the norm or if more people are ready to get back to their lives as they were before all of this.

My hair is a disaster! Hahaha, Guess what? I had my husband try to trim the bottom. He tried as best as he could. He did pretty well. I have noticed that one side is longer than the other. Eh, no big deal.

He wants me to trim his. I don’t want to. I am not good at hair. I couldn’t even braid my daughter’s hair. They wanted the french braids when they were younger. Their friends had to do it. I am not good at fixing hair.

Me too, need. It was a comment on face book so may not be true. I think there probably is a range of people's readiness to resume some kind of a normal. I suspect I am on the very conservative end of the range. I am considered a vulnerable person due to age, and really don't want to get this bug. I live a pretty isolated life anyway so staying put doesn't make a big difference.

Having said that my hair colour job did not do as much for the roots as I would have liked and it covered up the highlights. 😒 Next time I will try doing roots only. I would really like a hair appointment!!!

Golden,

Yes, their is a reason why we go to stylists! They are the hair experts. It’s okay that my hair is a mess. Hahaha. it will be nice to look like myself again.

I wear my hair short, in a pixie style. So, you can imagine how shaggy my hair looks. Looks pretty bad! I will give my stylist a big tip when I am finally able to go see him.

My hair has only the very beginnings of grey but I've been colouring for several years just to improve the mousy blah. I've decided this is a good time to embrace my natural hair, but I do still have a box of clairol in the cupboard if I change my mind.

need - love pixie cuts for those who can wear them.

cw - hahaha - I was considering going back to natural. But without the hairdressers help in the transition, I would look a worse mess than doing a home colour.

I suppose wearing a good mask to the hairdressers along with copious hand washing might make it safe enough.

I just saw that the provincial gov't has released restrictions for dental visits, but the dental association has not yet until they see how things go.

I'm starting to look like a sheepdog with my bangs hanging in my eyes but I'm not one of those women who goes every six weeks to get my hair done. I usually wait too long in between appts. So I can wait.

My husband kept bugging me to trim his hair. I finally got up the nerve to do it.

Gotta say, not too bad! Not great, but not horrible either. Hahaha 😆.

Hubs keeps asking me to cut his hair. Not doing it...........I'd never hear the end of it.

Just tell our hubs that we really really like longer, scraggly hair on men. It reminds us of our really sexy last boyfriend who played the electric guitar in a rock n' roll band....

Gershun,

Me too. I don’t go to the salon every six weeks. I should but I usually end up stretching it out to a little longer.

I am surprised how many women do manicures and pedicures. Just about all of my friends do.

I remember there only being a few colors of nail polish when I was young. There were shades of pink and red. We also had clear and white.

I bought my nail polish at the drugstore for very little money. Now there are a bazillion colors and a ton of nail salons everywhere! Nail art? That was unheard of. No such thing. It’s really creative. The colors are beautiful. I love the blues and turquoise colors. I like the silver and bronze colors for neutral shades, very pretty.

Hair colors too. Tons of different shades now. Crazy lipstick colors. Fashion is interesting.

I guess some styles are considered classic, a bob or pixie. Just like clothes. Styles come and go.

I still say the 40’s were stunning. Our mom’s had great fashion sense. I look at photos of that era and they look so pretty.

Hi Everyone,

Stacyb, and Sharyn, and Ali - so good to see you all back,

Stacyb its nice to hear about the family and how hubby is embraced by the new community. Thats Great.

Book, Glad, Cwillie good to see you all posting

It was almost a ghost town here and, yes, its been a while since I myself posted so I understand.

All is well on this end, acutally the same which is really not well. I think I am in a slick depression. LIke I dont really feel depressed but I have moments that trigger a crying spell.

I work every other saturday trying to cover for a night nurse who worked saturday night shifts. And I am already overwhelmed. I still have not gotten around to mopping kitchen floor, need to organize all the crap I am buying and putting in newly locked shed off kitchen the bathroom and fridge need attention. And I am so tired of being the only one doing and cleaning.

Yesterday I slept in a little and checked the rooms on my floor to see if my mother has done damage. She had stuff in the toilet that I had to clean out twice last week under turds! lol. Not really funny, but anyways I started to put a hook lock at the top of the door. I got screw into wall but had a hard time screwing in the other hook part after several tries and then I dropped it. No light in bathroom because the string is broke and I use the hall light. So I have to get back on that mission to keep my mother out of there.

Now she goes in the back room on my floor which is like an overloaded junk room, so I just glimpsed in there to see if she did any damage in there as I went downstairs. I didnt see her. So I go down and she is nowhere3 to be found. I am a total wreck because if she is on topfloor she is sitting at top of stairs since every room up there is locked and my sister is in her room and does not let her in anymore. She wasnt up there. So I am panicking, my pressure going up, Im tearing, I am dreading having to call nephew or knock on my sisters door looking for her. I am wondering if they found her in a bad way and took her to hospital, and please no hospital where she is more apt to get the virus. So I am a wreck building my self up for rejection by N and S. Hoping I hear my mothers voice when I knock on door.

So after dressing, I say let me check one more time before I go upstair and start acting stupid. Maybe she is sleep or laying somewhere. So I open door and she is sitting in chair but close to wall. The chair used to be close to door. I guess she cleared it out a little. This is one of the places she brings junk downstairs from. She was a sight for sore eyes, sittiing there going throuh books and papers.

As I went about my chores I was tearing up as I walked wonder what I was going to do without her. I came back with all kinds of treats hollering where is my baby. Feeling guilty about not mopping floor and bathroom work then angry that I am the only one who cares about how thing are cared for.

Thursday she was walking barefooted on that dirty floor. Her feet are terrible and the discomfort is obvious. I took pics and sent to N who constantly refused to have her referred to podiatrist.

All of this anger takes its toll.

Then I learned that the courts had assigned an emergency temporary guardian on 4/08 after the 4/.02 court date was postponed by my S lawyer to be reschedule. I had called lawyer to ask him to have my sister lawyer speak to her about making arrangements to get the meals on wheels and feed my mother on Wednesday because. I was thinking on starting to do a double from tueday night till 7pm on wednsday night to help cover to day shift RNs who left because of virus. The court lawyer gave me the info and said I had to contact them for that.

So now I have tried to contact them to no avail. No call backs as of yet. And, there is a new court date for this month.

I am having the easiest time geting telephone doctor visits and refills. Did a virtual vist with Gastro specialist and requested a probiotic.

Trying to stay healthy, and do things to boost my immune system. Other wise all is well.

Stay safe, Sleep tight and Rays of love and healing to all.

We haven't heard back from Guardian. I hope they are ok.

Duck, your mother has been assigned a temporary emergency guardian?

Has that person been in touch?

Hi Barb,Hope you are well.
There has been no contact from the assigned agency. I learned via information sent by the court lawyer referring me to them to handle issues I had requested of him. They were asigned on the 8th of April after the 4/02/2020 court date was postphoned by my sister's lawyer because he could not make that date they seem to have immediately pettioned for emergency guardianship.


I learned of this apointment on the 27th of April and I called them on the 28th and the 1st of May requesting a call from whoever has been in charge of the case.

I also complained that no one called or sent out notice about the emergency guardianship. Guardianship Foundation For Senior Citizen Guardian Services Inc., is the name of the guardian. The Lawyer from the court sent me the information, after I sent an email requesting him to contact my sister's lawyer about possible adjustments if I had to change my work schedule.

So I am trying to find out what is going on. I havent a clue how this works and I am on a mission to find out and get things done.

My feeling is that since a new court date of late May has been set, that they may be just waiting to see who get the guardianship at the court time which is at the end of the month.

So today Tv is off and she is not eating for me. It bothers me when she gets in this mode. Lately she eats most of her food and before I leave I heat up something else just becauise and she eats it.

So today tv is off and she is fumbling around just searching and picking up things and stuffing things. Stop for a momment and say umh good and go on to her mission. So I text nephew and say "tv is off and she is not eating" This fool texts
me saying she is eating and she's eating very well you just have to trreat her as good as you do your patient and neightbors and every thing will be ok. Have a great night.


Naturally my feathers were ruffled and I sent him back a lovely response stating the same I alway do including how he and his mother are sick puppies. Asking what gives him cause to even make such a comment and what is it are you jealous I have a relationship with my neightbors that she doesnt have. What phanthomed him to bring up my relationship to my neigbors and my patient.

This nonsense really pulls my chain. I know to ignore it. I had sent a picture text of my mothers feet, no response to that.

The sad part for me is I cant stop texting him afterwards, I bombard him, telling him about himself. Knowing I am knocking my head against the wall but then maybe not if he went and checked and fixed tv.

Well this Suday is Mothers day.

Happy Mothers Day!!!!! to all in advance.

I usually get my mother her plants for front yard garden. I forget the name of one group but every year I would get them in red and white and a few other types. After a few times of buying them and letting them die, last year I acutally planted them after a neighbor mentioned I should just do one of her tire planter which the flowers grow into a nice ball. I have these wind catcher fans I got from the dollar tree, I had bought some and a wind storm blew them to pieces one or two pots have I little fan part that spins with the wind. I also got some solar lights which I get every year so I will put them under treee and in planters even if I dont get to acutally planting the tire pot just now.

Any ways sleep tight., rays of love and peace to everyone,.

Duck, perhaps your nephew means that she eats during the day while you are gone?

If you go off and text abusively to him and talk trash about his mom, this will all be used against you in the guardianship hearings. Please be careful.

We are on your side, Duck. But you need to be aware of how things can be made to look.

Barb, point taken. I know I am not there with my mother 24 hrs a day but I do know that most times when I come down she is generally especting and watching me to bring her a plate that is if she is not in one of the busy mission modes. Also she will hunt and find snacks I leave in fridge in different spots reularly and if there are none she does messes trying to cook or fix something to eat which is why I had to stop leaving certain things in the fridge and freezer. They do bring her food but dont make sure she eats it and unless she is really hungry I will find the food stuffed somewhere or just sitting on table, or the remenants of it.

Anyways I learned why the agency has not made contact. They were not aware.
The APS, Mr. G. called this am and stated that the city went on shut down right after the emergency guardianship was granted by the courts and he was sending out the package today and I would hear from them soon.

I understand I need to be careful and basically this is about getting my mother the proper care and tx she need which is not being done under their tutelage.
I dont think the courts realy care about the blame game and I agree my responses can be used to make me look a certain way so I try not to repond and if I do I certainly dont use words I would like to use. Also I think the basis of his responses and the ridiculous statements he makes reveal the reason why we are in this situation dealing with neglect and quality of care.

So it made my day that Mr. G called and also that the late may court date may not happen as it was made before the shut down of the city. So hopefully now I can work with agency to get home care and home podiatry vist as well as some type of pest control although I have not seen a mouse in a while (weather is getting nice)

So I am in much better spirits.
I will be off soon and its difficult to post via my phone.

Happy Mother's Day to all

Rays of love and happiness and peace to all.

I'm glad things are moving along, Duck. Hopefully the agency will get your mom 24/7 aides and other in home medical care.

Are you hoping that a permanent public guardian gets appointed? I'm assuming that your sister is trying to become the appointed guardian?

If your sister or nephew becomes guardian and there is 24/7 aide coverage, I'm going to assume that they might try to evict you, which is why you need to be careful with the texting.

They can claim that you are abusive to them; right now they need you because you are providing care to your mom. Once there is an aide in place (and a Medicaid lien placed on the house) they no longer need you AND they will feeling vindictive since the supposed inheritance of the house will be mostly forfeit.

Just proceed with caution.

duck - I second what barb is saying. I remember when you went to visit your son and family, your mother didn't starve. I know you are angry and hurt by your sis and nephew. I understand that very well.But please don't sink to their level. Keep your texts civil. If you need to vent come here or just write out on paper or a computer what you are feeling in any words you like but don't send it to them.

Well I am a 6 week hairdo and fairly regular (2-3 weeks) manicure person, pedicures once in a while. I have been filing down my gel nails and that is keeping them in shape as well as a regular nail polish on top, but that won't go on forever. My nails are so soft I need something to strengthen them.

I got a compliment from my therapist today. She said that I handled something very extremely well. That means a lot to me, All my life my mother and sister told me I was no good with people, I didn't know how to handle things, I wasn't good looking...They did admit I was smart - they couldn't deny the school marks, but that was about the only positive I got and even then my mother remarked that maybe I was a little too smart. SMH. Negative words cut a child and the scars remain, but they can make you stronger.

Hoping everyone is coping reasonably well with the covid crisis.

I feel like this applies

"My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet." 🚽

Happy hunting for 🧻.

Seems things are moving again at the lawyers. To me they appear to be dragging their feet. One of the hitches was getting mother's bank to release her money.It took months and months. Now there are the next to final disbursements of the estate. Not sure why it is taking so long but I'm not going to make ripples. Sis is agreeing to everything. According to the accountant I personally will have to pay the taxes on the income earned on the money that is in trust. OK fine just get on with it. To balance this I will get the tax receipt for all the money donated to the cemetery (half by me and half by sis) as sis can't use it overseas anyway Poor lawyer's assistant is working from home with two toddlers. I don't envy her. I just want it done!!! Closure!!!!

Strange day here. Overcast then it finally rained. I had 2 naps - couldn't keep my eyes open and it doesn't feel like I will have any trouble going to sleep tonight. I have been going for a walk in the evenings as not many people are out then. Think I will pass tonight. My problem is waking up around 4 am and not getting back to sleep - hence the naps.

Hope you all are looking after yourselves. The stay at home restrictions are ending soon in many places, but here we are still expected to keep the 6 ' rule. I'm not going to change what I am doing till I see how things go and further to that, preferably till they get a vaccine. The hairdresser can wait for a while yet. I suppose when I go wearing a mask at the hairdressers would be prudent.

Even though I live a pretty isolated life, I have been a bit stir crazy. I have started my morning in-house walks and exercises again. The kitties are good company and I am talking on the phone to my kids and R more. The outside walks help too.

Take care all. 🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼🌷 It's spring!!!!

Golden23, I hope you get that closure soon. DDDuck, I see no closure for you just yet either.

Yes, many things are in slow motion and in some cases no motion. My attorney that was to help me get my unemployment dropped the ball entirely. So right now my family is dependent on spouse’s and savings. But I’m trying to keep faith that we will be back in swing soon. So when not putting in job applications we are working on various projects we had set aside.

As far as my parents and our family drama, things have not calmed down. Yesterday I got an ugly text from one siblings and an ugly phone call from another (same two from my other thread). I did a phone reset a week or so ago and forgot to re-block. This happened because I took mom off hospice at siblings, oh yeah it’s going to happen, request. Then yesterday I get the ugliness when hospice sent for their stuff. Saying how can I be so misleading to the family? I didn’t tell them they would take all the equipment back. How can I be so mean and cruel to mother? I told the one that called they agreed and hung up and I didn’t respond to the text.

The hospice social worker said they tried to talk live-in into letting mom stay on the program. But said live-in was strong hold that wasn’t happening. SW said sibling was advised to make other arrangements in regards to equipment. So I called to see if APS or aging care could assist and I kept getting well you all just need to set down and have a meeting. I have one number left to call but it’s like why bother? I probably could have mom set back up with everything by end of next week, but why put myself and my family through trauma dealing with the live-in.

So throughout the evening yesterday my mind would drift feeling heartbroken for mom. By ten I was in tears when the house was totally quiet. I finally got a night time cold aid because the melatonin was not working. Today was better for me but mind still off and on wonder how she is doing with the change.

I’m trying to get back to exercising. I caught the devil trying to do 20-minute intensity workout on treadmill beginning of week. I’m feeling it, not doing my workouts.

I hope we all get to enjoy our day tomorrow. I’m probably not going to try and call mom because live-in will probably not answer or say she’s sleep or something. That will make me upset so not going to visit and not going to call. Totally different since we never miss.

It is totally weird with almost everyone wearing mask. It’s like who are these people?

Good night I hope everyone.

Today I called 911 to report the possibility that my "Aunt" Jean was in her house dead. They found her lying on floor by the bed. Last week I felt this strange jar and push to my wrist as I was putting something away quickly turned and thought it was a spirit or ghost. It was weird and I had that same wierd feeling in the house and the next day my neighbor called with concern as they went to get breakfast and lunch together that was provided by schools since the pandemic.

we had no contact number for family and finally called. I had called the precinct earlier and was told family or someone who lives therehad tobe there to break in.

This morning wen I got in I called again and the officer said I should have just called 911. Millie got the same infor and she said she was going to call and she was on her way down there. I rush to get dressed and feed my mother and get down there before my ride for work came and she calls and says she couldnt do it and she was scared to call. I told her I was almost there and that I would call and she could wait till they came like she planned. The ambulance came just as my ride came. Millie says the firedepartment came about 20 mins later and they found her on floor by bed. Her telephone is dead from us trying to reach her. They didnt see the phone anywhere. I hope they search and find it so they can reach family. All I know is she has a deed for burial at one of the two main cemetaries.

I feel so much relief after finally calling.

So with this worrying and the Jean issue, when I bent to kiss my mother for mothers day I just broke down and cried like a baby. A true boo hoo. Just the thought of losing her breaks my heart and its a reality for her as well as myself.

I told millie I am giving her my keys just in case something happens to me and so my room is secure until my son gets to it.

Meanwhile, Shams children are raising themselves. The second oldest daughter baby sits and use her money to buy food for the other kids. The father works two jobs and barely shops. My aunt says her church took her shopping for herself and the children and she filled the fridge with food. Says she called the father to help bring the food up and he was at work then he never called to say thanks.

It so much going on in the world. So much saddnesss and ugliness. Yesterday on ride to work a crew of about 20 young boys with bikes practically shut down the fdr drive where it ends in upper Manhattan. They were weaving in and out between the cars and kept both lanes blocked so no cars could pass. The cars were backed up way behind us. We were lucky enough to be up front. I guess these kids were just frustrated and found a mission. They werent there todayl thank goodness.

Duck, I am truly sorry for your loss!

Barb, I got it, I understand. And thanks. I hope they do get her 24hr home care. I called today to have whoever was in charge of her case, contact me so we could get things moving.


Barb, I dont think the court would give guardianship to my sister. Its under her care and control that my mothers issues are not being addressed. I make videos and take pictures of how I find her, and of her while shes eating or while I am feeding her and doing chores, before and after.

I am sure if they could or ever get the chance to kick me out I would be on the street. Right now I have just as much right to be there as my sister. And yes my texts are strong but respectful and speak the truth. The comments he send says a lot about him and his intentions. My texts are repsonses to the ignorance and I make a point of repeating issues that he never denies or address.

Not to mention the possible investigation of this unusual attempted banck transaction to transfer 5,0000 dollars to another account.
I have no authority in my mother's care or finances. There is neglect in her care under my sisters management so I see no way that she would be granted guardianship or my nephew as neglect to make repairs is also one of the issues and he is the onlyone with access to her account where her deposits are made. So I dont see guardian ship being and issue. And yes I all for the guardianship and getting things moving like the home care, health care isues and repairs and an exterminator. As well as checking to see whose account this money was going to be transferred into.

Sometimes I see that I have to stop trying to be in control and make things happen. But that is my personality and my downfall because it kills me to not be able to handle the cleaning. My emotions and the stress and worry and feeling guilty because i dont feel like moping or cleaning out the fridge is wearing me down.

I am just trying to do the best I can and pray God gives me the strength and understanding to do what I need to do.

Golden, lovely and nice to see you have a glamour side. My glamour was to put on a new wig I bought a while back on mother's day. Forget the nail!!! LoL.

answry, yes I thing I am a very long ways from closure. I wishing you all the best in dealing with your family situation.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Mothers Day
Sleep Tight.
Rays of love and light to all.

So "Aunt" Jean's neighbor remembered that she had asked them to try and find a family member on facebook and has contacted that family member. I understand they would be here in a week or so. That is a great relief. I know she had a burial plot somewhere in Brooklyn and Im glad at least she wont go to potters field, because it seems the detective was not willing to search house for her phone.

She was such a beautiful person. I callled her my good luck charm. she was also one of the few inside witnesses to the famiy dynamics from way back. She always told me to read Psalm 37. That was the last thing she said to me on the phone on the 2nd before we hung up.

She was good for saying okay "kid" and call herself the ol lady. I called my friend Tony ,and he was upset about it. We all met and had a wonderful thankgiving and we were all looking forward to doing it again.

Its only natural to think of our own mortality when someone passes on.

Working EMS and seeing things gives me all types of thoughts and scenarios when something happens. I have to get someone to put locks on doors to the empty rooms in the house.

Its her house but I often find her in one of the room, full of junk, sitting bent over like an accordion asleep and its scary. Its entertainment for her she cant go out. So she goes up and finds all kind of stuff. I just saw a perfectly good sweater a coworker gave me from a visit to her country. Its thick and had pockets no buttons but nice. I hadnt seen it in like 9yrs and forgot about it. I often went on wild goose chases looking for something of mine my mother moved. I always think I would probably have a nervous break down if I went through things in her room.

So I spoke to the court evaluator on zoom, she got good view of my mother and says she gets the picture. She said the house looked pretty neat. I didnt do close show of the floors in kitchen or the sink or the mold in the shed (that door is now locked and where I secure things so I dont have to keep running up and down two flights of stairs) She says the guardianship people should contact me this coming week as did the APS Mr. G. Anyways I just felt not to show too much detail to give reason for a nursing home. By the way my friend Tony's mother is now in nursing home. It bothers him that he has no contact with her.

'So yes I have been feeling down, losing such a beautiful person in my life, who was in my corner and counted on me also. I'm going to miss that short red headed lady walking down the street. I run into her a lot just doing chores. She was not easy to miss. Well now she is resting in heavenly peace with her loved ones whom she spoke of all the time especially her brother and how she buried him.

Today is my oldest grand's birthday she turned 14. Makes me a proud grandma.

Be safe everybody.

Good night.