The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gershun, a thought..." are you simply wanting to vent or are you looking for help in solving the problem?"

Gershun, I understand. I went through that a lot with my mom, though her mental issues and dementia certainly made things worse especially in the latter years. She was always a rather pessimistic person though as far back as I can remember. It does get wearying for sure. Sometimes I'd have success changing the subject or just nodding and not saying anything, and sometimes not. Usually trying to point out something positive just led to a more negative rebuttal.

I'm too scared now to pray for patience. I've had enough life lessons in that area for the time being. I'll still pray, just not for that. :)

Barb, maybe a little of both.

I'm just tired of always being the sensible one giving sage advice and being the voice of reason in my relationship. It would be nice if he could return the favor occasionally or just shut up.😶

Gershun, that wasn't meant as a question for you, lol! I was suggesting it as a response to the person who is whining.

It makes the whiner clarify both for himself and you what the purpose is of his whining.

If he just wants to complain about how awful things are (does he awfulize things?) then you just put on your understanding look and murmur "hmmmm" as sympathetically as possible.

If he wants help, break the problem down into solveable steps.

Awfulizers benefit tremendously from Cognitive BehaviorTherapy or even just a workbook on that particular habit of mind.

Barb, sorry I was confused. LOL but I just have never been able to stand self-pity. I was brought up that way. Even through my mom's ordeal I never ever heard her complain. Whereas my DH and everyone in his family are so self-pitying and I just only have so much pity to give out. I've always felt great pity for people who are strong in the face of adversity.....not so much the opposite.

DH's dad suffered a stroke and everyone in his family are oh so upset FOR THEMSELVES! Mind you, dear old dad cries everyday as well. It just grates on me.

I know I'm a kind person but when I'm around them my kindness just sort of evaporates. Pouff!

Oh, Gershun, I so understand!!


They sound like catastrophizers. Can you introduce DH to that term? For someone who grew up with that habit of mind, unless he sees that it's a habit, he can't start to change it.

Thx Barb!

Glad, I am wishing a speedy pain free recovery for your daughter.

I am a sort of loner but and have serious trust issues.

My ex not C but M called me on messenger and explained he was trying to find me in 2017 when he got a workmen's comp decision. and took lump sum. He says he did a lot of things he wanted to to like learning how to ride and care for horses.

Anyways his birthday was the 23rd and he wanted to come visit. I explained that I had a lot on my plate and now was not a good time. I knew it would get physical and I honestly know I can not handle adding another person in my life to worry about and consider new demands.

I think I really messed up, now he does not answer msg or call and I think I really hurt his feelings. He probably was exactly what I needed because he is caring and understantding and very supportive. The other side is that my crazy and his crazy does not blend and I remember that and I know how burnt and frustrated I am. In our relationship I once hit him hard in the head with a big book I was reading before I could think about it. Smh lol. I shocked my self but he took me there. So much beautiful stuff but I remember he could take me there.

My mother's birthday was thursday, my sister's was friday and M's was the 23rd. All Gemini's whew!. No offense but I think if there is a Gemini on board out there I am quite sure they know exactly what I mean.....!

So the the temporary Guardianship person came on her birthday to meet her and see what was needed to be addressed. Its a city agency so they dont get paid for being Guardians. Also Mr G called and mentioned that the court evaluator suggested he call me to see if I would like him to come and skype from his laptop for the court date next week and I was very grateful.

My sister is petioning for guardianship also. Mr G. said sometimes the court does a dual guardianship with a family member and outside agency.

I got some work done in kitchen and bathroom, I felt accomplished but it triggered or I'll say irritated the groin nerve pain.

Also she had cake and blew out her candles. and had fun being creative with some roses and chrysanthemum petals. I think its real cool. she has always been artistic. She took apart a scruggie I had in bathroom and made a pretty bow to put around a stuffed animal. When I came down the next day she had stems of flowers in a few place.

No word from Jeans family about arrangements, I was hoping to get her a flower to place on grave site one last gift to her. I was also hoping to ask for a picture. I m sure there is one somewhere in our collection. We took pics two years ago for my mother's birthday with her and cousin Mari but I lost that phone.

I am tired and a little depressed and now wish I had let my friend come to visit.

Anyways, Good Night all, Happy Memorial Day, be safe ((((HUGS))))

Oh while one minute I dont see anything and after I post I am seeing posts that came after what I saw when I first opened up.

I have to catch up!

Be safe. Rays of love.

Ya know Barb if I were to introduce the term catastrophizer to DH he would say "My whole life has been a catastrophe, wha, wha, woe is me" It's always the same old thing. No one has ever had it as bad as him. If I have a cold he suddenly has a cold but much worse than mine. If I start to tell a story about something bad that happened to me he says "well at least you didn't have this happen to you" and then the sob story begins.

I'm just fed up with even trying anymore. Just ignoring him is going to have to do for now.

Hi to all. I hope you are managing these strange times OK. I don't know about anyone else but for me it's an emotional roller coaster. For the most part I just try to go about my day, one foot in front of the other. Then there are the times when it all sinks in and I can't function.

The hardest part right now is that my Mom is in rehab and her mental state is pretty bad. It's a long story how she ended up there. The condensed version is, on Mothers Day during a "window visit", my sister did not like how my Mom looked. The staff took Moms temp and she had a low fever. Sis freaked out and called Moms doctor saying she thought Mom might have covid. She told the doctor Mom was having rigors (uncontrollable shaking). The nurse on duty and the staff said Mom was shivering a bit and said she was cold but it was NOT uncontrollable shaking. Anyway whatever Sis said to the doctor it was decided that Mom go to the hospital. Mom did not have covid, she did have a UTI (she gets them often). They kept her under quarantine, ran a ton of tests (all negative except UTI), put her on antibiotics and then she was sent to rehab. Sis also claimed Mom had a blood infection but not sepsis. When I asked about that, the nurse on duty said it was not on her chart.

I was upset that my sister did not talk to me or bro before rushing into having Mom sent to the hospital. When I told her that she went nuts. I got two long nasty emails where she said she would never include me in on any medical decisions, she claimed I was dangerous. Needless to say I stopped reading at that point and deleted her letters. I think I am finally ready to be done with her. Just as an aside Sis had been fighting with Moms AL because they would not allow her to bring in outside PT people during the lockdown, SIS actually called the state on them which of course the state dismissed as the facility was following lockdown guidelines. BTW their vigilance has resulted in zero cases of covid.

Anyway back to Mom. She is in full blown psychosis now (that happens whenever she goes to the hospital/rehab). She had to be quarantined in both places which just added to her paranoia. I can't go see her of course, she will not answer her phone so I have to ask a staff member to help. When I do get hold of her she is either completely despondent or agitated. I am so worried about her. On a more positive note, the staff are lovely and very patient so at least there is that. I can't fix this so I need to let go and just have faith that she is in good hands.

It does not help that I question the wisdom of sending Mom to the hospital. She was safe and stable in her AL. Urine samples can easily be sent from the AL, even now during the lockdown (I know as I transported one to the hospital in April). I have to let go of that too, whats done is done.

Sorry for the long silence then the "all about me post". I WILL catch up on you all, I promise. Take care and thank you for being here.

Trying, how very difficult. Life is stressful enough as it is now. I am very relieved my mom is gone. This would have been impossible! Try to relax a bit, put your feet up and indulge in whatever you want a glass of wine, maybe?

Thank you Glad.

gershun -that obviously isn't what attracted you to him in the first place.

trying - thanks for posting that you are on an emotional roller coaster ride. Me too and it's not fun. Sorry to hear about your mum and sis. Not surprised you have reached the end of your line with your sis. She has been very difficult all along and "enough is enough". Mum is in good hands but it is still hard.

glad - I too am so relieved that mother passed before the covid crisis.

everyone - I expect most of us have a degree of the roller coaster ride. The restrictions and uncertainties are difficult to live with. I find that things that normally frustrate or annoy me or cause anxiety are magnified. I need to remember if it is about dealing with another person that they are likely feeling the same way. I also need to let go of things over which I have no control -always a good thing to do and more important now.

The kitties are a good diversion, but now I have a worry over them. I have seen what I thought was a fox gong up or down the road in front of the house, and maybe it was, but last night the animal running in the gutter across from the house clearly was a coyote. There obviously are some good "pickings" up the street from me as this seems to be a regular trip. Recently the kitties have been very good about coming in abut 8 pm for their supper and bedtime. As long as that continues I have no worries. Before the kitties we had, over time, 4 cats here of which 2 disappeared. That's not great odds if the disappearance was due to coyotes or foxes. I can't see keeping them in - they were born outside and love it so. I've never have indoor cats. I guess they need an enclosed catio.

Thank you Golden. I hear your concern over the kitties but I think you are right. Some cats need to be outdoors. They would be miserable otherwise, Our kitty on the other hand will not step foot outside. She was an inner city rescue cat and was nearly starved when my son got her. No grand adventures for her, she is all about food and comfort :)

Gershun - Catastrophizers are exhausting people. You are wise to ignore DH's behaviors as best you can.

Glad and Golden - I can understand being relieved that your Mom's passed before this pandemic. I worry everyday about Mom getting the virus.

Golden, you are right. Chaos was not what I had in mind when I first met my hubs. Although the signs were there and I chose to ignore them. I'm grey rocking. It seems to work. (For now at least)

I've been glued to my t.v. watching all the unrest. Let's all pray about it. Maybe our collective prayers can help.🙏

trying - my kitties are all about freedom. They were born on a farm and seriously resisted being caught. Pumpkin is a friendly nature and loooves food so she adapted easily, Rocky was furious she was caught and came hissing and biting and covered in mats. I think she had 20 on her back, She will eat dry food and treats but we can't lure her with food as we can Pumpkin. It took a lot of work and patience"wooing" her and slowly she settled down and now she is more cuddly than her sister, They are great companions. but must go out and hunt bugs, climb trees and stalk birds. Their mother is a great mouser.

gershun - glad grey rocking works (for now, at least). Red flags tend to get ignored at the beginning of relationships. The origin of the unrest is very sad and disturbing as is the unrest. Prayers - good idea. I will join you in that. God hears every prayer.

Kitties safe downstairs with their supper. 😽😽 I can breathe easy!

Golden - So glad the kitties are safe n sound

Reading things here I see others are in the same place and I appreciate having this outlet. Thank you.

I've had my Mom with me for 10 weeks and we are all more than ready to transition back to living separate lives. I am her POA and take that seriously. Someone posted about the GEMS Brain Change Model. She is definitely an emerald - her brain is changing and sometimes she sees it and other times doesn't think there is anything wrong. She is forgetting important things and not able to register that she's forgotten. She is so stressed and depressed making it worse. She also has periods of paranoia and accuses me of doing things I would never do. Then she picks on my daughter.

She regularly says she will "just shut up" after she says something that comes out mean and insulting. Then at the next opportunity she will say something mean or insulting. When I cook she automatically comes in and starts to unload the dish rack and needs access to the counters and drawers that I am standing in front of while cooking. Then argues that she must unload the sink or there will be no place for the dishes, then gets upset because she's trying to help, then says the same thing -" I'll just get out of the way". Later when I'm not even in the kitchen she'll do awkward things and nonsensical things in the name of staying out of my way. It's a daily loop.

I am concerned about sending her home without a plan. She lives alone and independently in the fraser health region which has high cases. She is convinced it is safe for her to take the bus. She needs to make multiple appointments but there is always something pressing to stop her. She thinks her neighbours will continue to help her shop and get around when what she needs is to hire someone for the job. I even have someone lined up that we both interviewed last year when she had her knee replacement. We didn't hire her as I ended up taking 3 weeks off work to nurse her then bringing her home with me for another 3 weeks to continue her care and return to work and my daughter.

I am torn. If she wants to run around on the bus and alienate her neighbours by using them then it's her choice, her life. If she wants to continue to neglect the physio for her knee replacement and pain then it's her choice. If she wants to miss conversations because she won't get a hearing aid, it's her choice. If she doesn't' eat properly, continues to overindulge in high sugar foods and gets diabetes (she told me she was borderline after her last visit in 2019 but now denies it) it's her life. If she ends up in a situation where I have to make quick decisions to donate her household things because I can't take the time to go through it all it is a consequence of her actions. If she needs to be in the hospital due to her health it's her consequence. If she needs to be whisked into a nursing home when she reaches a point of being a danger and has a hard time adjusting or never adjusts - it's her life. If I can't find her the right place at the last moment she could be living in a residential hell. She did that to my grandma - she lost her teeth from falling after being overmedicated, she had her things stolen from a locked ward, she wasn't cleaned properly and had terrible mouth sores, on it goes.

She has rarely been kind to me and tries to pay me off for her guilt. I don't want her money because I don't need it and secondly know that my sisters are waiting to swoop down accuse me of stealing. I have no doubt they will be a heavy burden when it comes down to putting mom in care or worse reading her will. I want nothing. I'm happy to wash my hands of it all.

In the end, I will pay the price. If she doesn't want to be a burden she needs to let me help her make decisions for her next stage of life. She needs assistance for shopping, cooking, making sure she eats, paying bills, socializing. She doesn't see it at all. If I send her home and something happens it's my fault.

There is no one else to help.

Ideas? Advice?

Hi hummingbird - many here will understand your situation. I remember when my mother first became paranoid. It was one of the signs that something was definitely wrong. It sounds pretty frustrating for you. I gather she has had difficult behaviour before in her life - that what is happening now is not entirely new.

Has your mother actually been assessed for Alzheimers? Has she had an evaluation to see if she is safe living alone? Her doctor can arrange that. It sounds to me like she is not capable of making a plan so it is up to family members to do that. Whether or not she cooperates is another thing. I am sorry your siblings are not supportive. I know that one well. It may be time to consider placement in a facility. That may be best arranged together with her doctor after a neuropsych or geriatric psych assessment. It sounds to me like she is not capable of living independently any more.

My mother was always difficult. I had POA. My sis was critical. I found once professionals were involved the right things started to happen and it wasn't my fault.

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I know this is a very tough journey.

Hi all I hope everyone is in a good place and if not that things get better. I have been trying to keep up.

Trying, Hummingbird, I am wishing you all the best and strength and wisdom. Posting here will give you a plethera of help. Someone, somewhere in this forum will be able to impact your life for the better.

Its happend to me several times, these oldtimers are awesome and generous with the pearls of wisdom, sometimes painful but definitely good.

As for me, I am just coming out of a whirlwind. The Guardian case manager ms.G. got intouch with twisted and her son they ended up moping the whole hall of course they excluded my floor, with all the old cat vomit over years. The retaliation was they threw out a coat I had hanging on hall rack. A few days laters I came in and found they had throughly mopped the dining area and living room, the cost, my lawn chair that sat in gate area, I dont even see any chairs like it anymore. You know the nylon plaid like folding chairs.

So I was in a very bad, sad and angry place. I mean we are dealing with this pandemic, a dangerous leader, and now the rioting, and protesting. Its like the world has gone crazy, almost like the turmoil in my heart is in the world.

Losing another dear person in my heart. Today is Deb's birthday, Sham's kids had a fire in the stove fire department had to come luckily the oldest called my aunt who told them the father had gone to store and told them to wait to heat up pizza. It caught on fire smoked up the whole apartment bilding.

I come home to find stupid stuff. They swept and cleaned halls took chair from inside vesitvble between the gatedoor and entrance and then swept a small bunch of trash over drain in the middle of the space. I kicked it away from drain. I used the chair (been in same spot over 20 years) to sit in front of house for ride to work. They threw that in hall so I got it and left it where its always been I come home and its gone and that pile right back in middle of the drain. the enemy is busy.

So now I want to retaliate, Im angry, Jean always told me to read the 37th psalm for years and I did so I laid down today and read it. Later it dawns on me they threw away my hurricane mop pail months ago. and now look they moped all the halls and living room and dinning area. Karma. And that dining area is where they threw the plush velour comforter my son sent my mother and squandered it with cat mess, it smelled terrivble. well that was the main area to cleanin the dinning area. So looking at it in this angle eased up all that was building up in my heart, I was begining to taste hate. I guess another form of brokeness I am glad its gone. I prayed. I hope and pray all of you have the loads eased of your hearts. and that if you are going through something that it gets better.

These people hurting us and in possibly trrying to destroy us are mentally ill and puppets for the enemy. Some of the things seem surreal. We have to pray and keep praying for the world, oursleves and each other. We have to fight the good fight, like so many on board here have been doing for years and years and years, thats why I am here..
Be safe and be strong, and smile with your eyes like the toddler do. It goes a long way and then comes right back to us.

I’ve had a difficult day. I’m sorry some of you have as well. Sometimes I think we are all just so stressed out we take it out on each other. I did my breathing exercises, said my prayers. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day

duck - lots of difficult things for you again or perhaps still would be more appropriate. Wish things were better for you. The retaliation is nasty. And losses coming back...Look after yourself as best you can. You deserve it! Psalm 37 is good. Glad some cleaning got done by the others.

martz - welcome - sorry you had a difficult day. Breathing exercises are good for stress relief and prayers too. One of my constant meditations is around "Be still and know that I am God". It comforts me. Take care of you. Care giving is tough and this covid crisis makes life much tougher.

Group cyber (((((((hug)))))) everyone. I know hugs are something many of us are missing. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

NotryDo - I am question being "The Caregiver" much longer. Yesterday my mother (who is stable and standing while on home hospice) dismantled a trellis for plants I spent my precious me time putting together. It's symbolic of our relationship. I can't help but look back at whatever I've built that makes me happy, she will take down somehow. Even in her apparent last days. I've always had to move away to feel my life. So hard at this point but seems necessary. I discussed revoking hospice since she is stable and placing mom in memory care which was the plan late last year and the usual wave of blame is expected from the no help family members.

Pasa18,

Go ahead and do what you think is write as well as best for your own health. You are important too.

Pasa - Do what you know you must. ignore the naysayers.

Is there a way to be notified if someone writes a message to me? I am so sorry to those who have written me messages in the past and did not get a response! I didn't see them!

Yes, trying you can adjust your notification settings, click your avatar, where you will find options.. Your Newsfeed should also notify you of a new message.

And, there is a drop down on the right side of this page. One of the selections is "Messages".

thanks Glad!