The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Happy 4th of July!!!!!

New to the forum and need help with my dysfunctional family. I live in Buffalo and my parents and 1 sibling live in Florida. We are trying to navigate how to get my father to accept help from outside sources. My parents live in a condo. My father is very controlling and my mother has dementia and had a stroke last Summer. My father is in denial about how much help my mom really needs and he is also not giving her medications as prescribed. She is supposed to be taking 2 BP meds, baby aspirin and a statin daily, but he thinks statins cause alzheimers. He told me he would not change her meds without doctor advice, but now we have realized he is only giving her meds on MWF. Any attempts at discussing things with him turns into an argument. We are walking on egg shells because if we get him too angry, he will shut us out and we won't be able to talk to either one of them.

Weneedhelp, welcome!

Have any of you been in contact with your mother's doctor to report your dad's mismanagement of her medications?

Have you considered that dad might have some cognitive issues?

Weneedhelp, Welcome. Your topic (I am guessing) will have touched many: the controller caregiver, a vulnerable LO & worried family members looking on.

Apparently there is info out there about statins negatively impacting brain function - I have no knowledge about it - but take them & risk heading into dementia faster? (an unproved maybe) or don't take them & risk having another stroke (more certain risk).

Maybe the half dose is your Dad's compromise?

Welcome, weneedhelp, I too think talking to your mum's doctor is a good way to go. And talking to your dad's doctor also about his inability to care for your mum properly, It sounds like they are approaching a time when a facility would be best, -for your mum particularly at this point,

Did they ever mention any plans about what they wanted for their "old age"? Is your mother really 46? I checked your profile and that what it states.

Does your dad have any outstanding health issues?

Lots of questions but they help to paint a picture for us.

I know this is a big worry for you. ((((((hugs)))))

Weneedhelp welcome. Do you think any part of the mismanagement may have anything to do with dad in denial of mom's condition? It is very common I saw it with mom's hubby often. It is very hard on the one that may still be competent.

From EastEagle,
I have not been active on here for a while now due to so many things going on, but that goes without saying for everyone! For those who don't know me, my Mother is now 95 years old, and she is still living alone in her own home, which was her decision, not mine. For the past 15 years, I was the only one who was helping my Parents with their Doctor appointments. My Brother was working, or always "too busy" to help out. I was self - employed so I was able to take the time off. I went with my Mother to all of her Eye Surgeries in Boston, and that meant staying over at her house to help with the post-op eye drops, etc. I live 30 miles away, but it's a one hour drive from my house, to get through Boston, to her house. So it made more sense for me to stay with her. I also went with my Father to all of his visits to the Mass General Hosp. to the Congestive Heart Clinic for their special program. So I was the one who did all of that, while my Brother and his wife were traveling all over the world, and spending the Holidays in Florida. I also wanted my Parents to make some plans for the future, but they always ignored my advice. When my Father passed away in 2009, my Mother gave my Brother POA and put him in charge of the house, so he would make all the decisions on repairs, etc, and I was never included. So now in the last few months, we have all noticed that my Mother has declined. I had not gone to see her since March, the virus shutdown, so my Brother who is younger than me, and his wife who is much younger than both of us, are now the ones who are helping her, etc. To make a long story short, I was getting conflicting information from him, regarding how my Mother is doing. Our cousin who is an RN visited my Mother in June for just 2 hours. My Cousin had been very close to my Mother and Dad while growing up, but the last 10 years or so, she was too busy to visit them. I had been asking her if she would call my Mother, since my Mother loves talking to people on the phone. I didn't even ask her to visit her, if she was too busy, just a simple phone call, but that never happened. So anyway, she did visit for the few hours. My Cousin told me that basically by Mother had a hard time getting to the bathroom on time, since she has slowed down a lot using her walker. So my Mother is now incontinent both #1 and #2 to be polite. She also said that I had to forget about the virus, and go and see her because she is dying, and only has weeks/months to live, not months/years. On the other hand, I got a different story from my Brother. He said that he took her for another Doctor visit, because they thought that she might have a UTI, but all tests, and her blood work are normal, and they told him that she is healthy, but it's her age. So I got these 2 conflicting reports. I had been talking to my Mother on the phone, which we have done for years, but I can not get my Brother to give her the phone so I can talk to her. I have had more health problems of my own. My Brother does not call me on the phone, which makes it really difficult to discuss these issues. This week, my Brother texted me to say that he wants to bring our Mother to my house to stay for awhile because she is lonely. And if he does not bring her here, he will be putting her in a nursing home. I had told him about my Doctor visits, but he just ignored me. I had already found a really nice nursing home/rehab very close to my house, and I would be able to be with my Mother every day (if they let me in). But I don't think he will agree to that, he will say that it's too far away for him. What is your advice in this situation, what would you do?? Thanks so much, everyone.

East Eagle,

If I read correctly, your mother has given your brother POA and wants to take over because he thinks that is what having a POA means which is wrong. I would push for the nice nursing home that you found. On the other hand, right now nursing homes seems to be hotbeds for Covid19 and so that might not be a good idea right now. I'm not sure of her moving to your house for that may become permanent and a burden to you over time as she continues to decline. So, I really don't see an easy answer here. Let me know if I misunderstood something. I wish you the best,.

Hi East Eagle, nice to have you back. I think it would be unwise to take your Mom in given your own health issues. Your Mom is going to need ever increasing levels of care that one person with health problems will not be able to provide.

If you feel strongly that your Mom should be in a facility near you then make your case to Bro. If he refuses it will be on him to find a place.

As for your cousins assessment of your mothers condition, I would take that with a grain of salt. Not even a geriatric doctor would say such things without knowing your Moms medical facts, stats and history.

It's painful watching our elderly parents fade away, even during the best of times. The covid situation makes it so much worse. I wish you all the best.

EE good to see you post. I am kinda surprised at you second guessing yourself and what to do with mom. You know the answer as you have read it many times. Sweet of you for even thinking about taking mom in.

If she comes to your home what certainty do you have that bro will come back and get her? I would say no. Tell bro you are not able to provide the care mom needs and leave it at that. You do not need to explain yourself or make excuses. No is enough.

Greetings all, I have to aplogize for alarming with my post about the flashes. They are intermittent and there is no change in my vision. I have appointment. I have had them in the past after an incident many years ago. They have come back and I am in no way neglecting my vision. I am already very very nearsighted and not playing with my vision.

These last weeks have been about the same no energy. I am depressed. Things are not really moving with my mothers case. The temporary guardian and I are doing phone tag. I have been calling her about whats nexts for my mother. Meanwhile I am just burnt out, lot of chores are piling up.

I truly hope you all are in good spirit and health. I am not caught up at all. Just checking in.

Much love to all. Good night.

Another roller coaster week. Brother fetched mom brunch on Sunday from one of her favorite places. Called her and she was all upset. He’d mentioned the customers there were right on top of each other in the waiting area, no masks. Workers were all masked up. Her food wasn’t in the usual styrofoam containers but in aluminum tins. I have heard her rant re: those tins at least 10 times since. She will not be ordering stuff from there anytime soon! It all falls inline with her loving a restaurant for a while, then she finds something minor she doesn’t like and then that place is no good. Has happened so many times before.
So she’s moody, then a tiny bit better. She asked me to look at toaster ovens next time I went grocery shopping (store is a regional mega store with a lot more than groceries). I said I would go early in the day some day this week. She called me in such a happy mood on Tuesday morning. Asked about the toaster ovens, what did I find out? I didn’t go, I hadn’t said when I was going. She was still all happy through the call. Called that evening, no answer. Same last evening and night before. I know I didn’t do a thing to make her angry- maybe because I didn’t drop everything and look at those ovens. She has been talking about getting one since December or earlier. Why is it so urgent now?
I know she’s ok because brother calls or stops by her home briefly. When she was ranting at me earlier in the week, said over and over how she hoped brother wouldn’t get COVID-19. She wouldn’t have any help without him. Yeah not too concerned about him but how it would impact her. I told her before well hopefully I will just get it instead of him. She said nothing. I know she thinks that, too. She was all angry at me because “you have it easy, you can work from home”. Brother cannot work from home. Then I hear how he was a straight A student and how it’s not fair about his current job. Basically I should have a “worse” job than him. So if I didn’t already know, her children are only valuable as to what they can do for her. I have failed her forever by not agreeing to live together. She would, of course, buy the house, so she would still be in charge and could tell me what to do. She said she wouldn’t do that but she would. Even her doctors and dentists have told her they know she always wants to be in control.
Not planning on calling any time soon. Wait and see. Just do me and she can sit and stew.
Hope everyone is doing well.

Hi east I am going to underscore what the others have said. Taking your mum in in not a good idea, even if it is supposed to be temporary. A good facility would be best for her. Your cousin cannot know your mothers health better than a doctor. Hope it all works out well Keep in touch,

duck - sorry you are depressed but I sure understand. Glad you are seeing someone about your flashes. Duck, I don't doubt that you are burned out. Please then do some good things for you. You have managed to get a guardian appointed, against some odds. Well done. Look after yourself!!!

sissisu - same old, same old, eh? Your mum is not going to change. She will never be happy with her situation for long and she will always blame others, and you in particular. I know that is a burden for you. I had it too. There is no sense in her needs and demands. She will make out that things are urgent trying to manipulate you to jump when she wants something. Then she won't be happy anyway. Good idea to reduce contact. You need to care for you.

Rain expected today again. We are having a cool damp summer so far. The mosquitoes love it!!! Ugh!

Have a good day!

Hi all. I hope you are all in a good place. Its so sad the lives that are being lost and torn through this virus as well as the issues we share on this forum.

Sissisu so sorry for you pain and stress with your mother. I am not caught up but it doesnt look like too many are posting. I couldnt log in last night. Off the next few days and its crazy trying to type a post from my phone.
That is if I have the energy. Oh and my left hip and groin pain is slightly easing up SHHH!!!!

I am in the market for a good pressure cooker/air fryer combo. Any suggestions would be so welcome.

I realize that cooking has truly been an outlet and for me and a source of happiness. Especially if someone enjoyes it. So I have heard raves about the airfyer and missing my crockpot express.

Back to my reality, I am still on a tidal wave of sadness and tears. Its almost daily that if I dont shed a tear, I feel like it.

My heart goes out to all who post on here, knowing there are so many more out there who have pain and depair maybe even worse. I am so very greatful to have a place I can go to and vent my pain and issues "safely", I am so greatful for all the role models who whave been though so much and in growing through their lives are able to offer support, guidance and sometimes correction, In any case I know I with my issues to take time and chastise or guide takes a lot.


So I am still with the smile. It has gotten me though so much. It feels good to get a smile back especially when I am down. My childhood programming has made me into a weeping willow and lioness at the same time. I havent felt a roar in a while. Its mellowed from getting better at not responding to sabattoge and vindictive hatefulness. It still hurts like hell when I think of how my sister and mother are. But even worse, It scares me about how much I need to and want to care for my mother while Its constant source of frustration with my inablility to handle her needs. I am so tired and angry at cleaning the spills, I can smile even laugh sometimes but once I sit on the toilet or get in the shower the tears flow. sometimes its dread when she does not eat. Then when she does the relief is like a family reunion.

I have also started leving things undone. I am getting more able to just walk past certain things even if it bothers me.

The guardian CM and her supervisor are meeting me and my sister this Thurs.

Naturally I am all anxious, and really dont even want to be near my sister and her beautiful farce. Its like she struts her wrongs with so much arrogance and is so very clueless from reality. So I plan to keep my heart my mind and my mouth shut to any nonsense and master a focuss on my mothers needs. Every day her toenails grow the big ones are horrible and obviously painful. She takes off the shoes and walks timid and it makes me so very angry to see her suffer because of my sister and nephew's ignorance and spite. and so many many other things.

Everyone please be safe.

Rays of love and healing. Good nite. (((HUGS)))

PS: I love jokes for the care giver, I hate to say it but when I get really really down I go there.

Duck, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a solid plan on how to respond to questions during the meeting. Take care of you and much love and (((hugs)))!!

Hi to everyone! I’ve been fighting myself for several months now. Due to changes at work that are making it harder and very low morale with most employees, I've decided I’m retiring!! I stepped down from being assistant manager thinking that would solve my issues but it hasn’t. I have chronic pain which the dr,chiropractor, and physical therapist have told me is muscle pain due to having muscles I use that are strong and some have become weak because I don’t use them. I accept this, however, i have dealt with tendinitis before and I wonder if it could be tendinitis. I only question the diagnosis because it’s only in my right leg which is my dominant leg.

Anyway, many changes at work and not to sound like a spoiled child.....I’m just not up to dealing with it. An example is having to rotate my schedule, having to stand up to managers who insist I had a review and raise 6 months ago when it’s been over a year. It’s not just me who is having these issues with management. I’m just not the personally type who wants to Fight, make waves and leave on bad terms.

with my union pension from California and Social Security, I’ll get a bit more per month than I would just relying on social security if I work another 4 years.

I have an interview with social security on the 21st to get the paperwork started and this weekend I will fill out the application for my union pension.

I’m excited but a bit anxious since a new journey. I have many things to do while in the state of being retired from the work force. 1) my daughter and I are buying used furniture , refurbishing the pieces and reselling at a higher price. 2) I’m taking an art class online from a lovely legit woman teaching canvas art, fabric art and furniture art. .3) my wonderful grandsons .....need I say more❤️

Sharyn_ Best of luck with your new life! It sounds like you are going to fill it with positive pursuits!!

Duck - I'm so sorry you are having such sadness. Please take care.

Sissisu _ Tune out the negative comments from others if you can. It's hard to do, at least it is for me, but when I do I feel so much better! Take care.

Hi Golden. I hear you. I HATE mosquitoes (and ticks)

Hello! newbie here, I found your site and I am so happy to see that others know what its like to be in my situation. Some of the words I have read really hit home.
Like "I alone, am not responsible for his happiness" - " they have made countless decisions through out their lives that have influenced their health, finances and relationships"
My father abused me and my brother physically and mentally through out our child hood and into our teens. Many years later...after several heart attacks and surgeries and a leg amputation, he has had to stay with me. My brother doesn't have room at his house and not to mention hard feelings. My dad still manipulates and condescends him. I get more of the manipulation and guilt trips.
Of course, Everybody else that knows him thinks he is this wonderful person.
My son is one of those people and does not understand why I don't want to be around my dad and therefore doesn't talk to me very much. I do not tell him anything different. I don't want my son to dislike his grandfather. I keep it all to my self. My husband also thinks my dad is this wonderful guy. How twisted is that? I can't seem to get him to understand the dynamics at play.
Ok, so back on track, my dad is staying with me after a recent leg amputation.
I am on furlough at the moment so I have the time to care for him. Lucky how that worked out. Any way, I have always found ways to avoid him. Now he is in my home, 24/7 asking and asking and asking. Always asking for something.
I have to use the lift to get him in and out of bed, use the bed pan for bowel movements, I have to see and touch his "stuff" to clean him.
He's tried very hard to lean on me for everything, especially his happiness.
I am searching constantly for respite care or any kind of help I can get.
A nurse and physical therapist visit occasionally.
I need to close for now, Thank you for your time and listening.

Greetings!

Sharyn, I am happy for you, as you embark into to world of retirement. I wish you the best. So good to hear good news.

Trying, Thank you.

I am still in a bad way. I mean I am okay, Ive always been good at putting up a good front and hiding my pain. Every now and then I am just overwhelmed and amazed at the evilness and spite I live with. The ongoing sabatoge of and lies of my sister. She is mentally ill and focused on outcasting, shaming and just about anything but physical assault and I am not even sure about that.

I just got a letter in mail stating my stimulus card was mailed and had not been activated I never recieved it. I saw my sister's card come in the mail. Then she is leaving any junk mail on the ground inside gate where mail man throws it and knocked over a flower pot I put on ledge. It looks terrible.

So the Guardian manager and her supervisor came and she refused to meet them with me. I was not surprised because she bamboozeled them with lies and I am sure took credit for things I do. This is so deep for me becuase I have been subjected to her manipulation, and entitlement since a child. So seeing that the supervisor and the manager came on board not really reading her records and how we got here, making judgement and decisions with out the real picture but with the powerful manipulation by my sister and my aloofness and distraction because my wtc lawyer called and said they denied my claim for the damage to my respiratroy system which put me in the hospital fighting for my life. I have been coughing every day very soon after I volunteered at ground zero. 9/11/2001. Its going to be challenge but just seeing something so serious to me and my life being dismissed easily took me back to my fear and shock and understanding that I almost died and that this condition could be the end of my life if I dont stay on it.

Thus, when these people came I kept asking my self why I was so anxious and irritated as I got glimpses of my sisers performance, knowing she was lying and sabatoging me, again making me the scapegoat for the situation and condition of my mother and the house.

So I plan to email the guardian manager and ask her to review the entire report so they can get the full facts on my mothers situation before decisions are made. APS has asigned a new agency and this woman has been calling to check my mother about the heat. I asked her to please review the case because so much pertinent information gets lost during the transfer and the history and marked events.
I know I am dealing with a mad woman (my sister) but they don't. And it messes me up because most of my life between her and my mother I've been hoping that they get corrected and checked it didnt with my mother.

So my delima is how did I get here and why did I take this evilness for so long!
It scares me that I had blinders on most of my life, in the severity of the hatred. It like with my mother they would think I am lying if I tried to say all the things my sister had done to spite me and sabatoge me with no obvious care about the affext of my mother.

I do all the work spend my money and she takes the credit. Know she is wrong and struts around like she is queen. Like she always has. When does she gets exposed and checked?

I have decades of so many violations in so many ways. So I struggle to now finally learn to put me first and I really cant handle to demands of my mothers care alone especially in the midst of so much sabatoge and hatred.

I thank God for God, This forum where I can vent and for my dear prayer partner, brother and his wife.

Thanks for bearing with my crazy. Im am trying to hold on to sanity,

Concerned as every summer we go through the same conversations. 100 degree feel like temperatures and mom has excuses to NOT turn on the a/c. Won’t open windows or doors to let air flow through while she sits with her one fan blowing on her. Just told me her kitchen ceiling fan fell out of ceiling two months ago (haven’t been in her home since CIVUD). She will call a/c person tomorrow to schedule an inspection and won’t turn a/c on till that happens .

same stuff every year.

Hi mom I’m going

Duck, sadly, APS is not about exposing your sister. They are about getting your mom the care she needs.

1. She needs a home attendant for her hygiene and making sure shes fed.

2. She needs a home attendant because so much of the chaos in her home is caused by mom messing stuff up.

3. She needs home health to provide her medical check ups because taking her to the doctor is too hard for her to bear.

4. She needs a visiting podiatrist.

5. You need to figure out another place to live.

I'm sorry that your claim got denied. Is it because there is no official record of your having been there? Did you volunteer through an organization that kept records?

Did you get to the eye doctor?

Hi Rcvela, welcome. Perhaps the people who think your dad is so "wonderful" should be the ones doing his caregiving, not you. I'm not being snarky I really mean it. It is not good for you. People who have been abused by a parent often put themselves at risk when they take on that role. If you do not see a therapist now I suggest you start there. Many of us need help to untangle from the emotional strings and manipulations that compel us to feel responsible for another persons happiness. Meanwhile keep coming here, you will find support and people who understand.

Duck: if you thin your stimulus card has gone astray:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/advisor/2020/06/03/your-stimulus-debit-card-may-have-been-delivered-heres-what-to-do-if-you-threw-it-away/#2dbb42e04f12

Rcvela, welcome aboard!! Keep posting, keep venting. There are a bunch of wonderful, people on board with a wealth of experience in these issues as well as great advise and guidance.

Barb, this is for a new certification which is an issue with my respiratory system. This is the issue I was on repirator and almost died from and the cause of me coughing everyday soon after a volunteered at ground zero. First they did not have enough info. I have already received a small amount of compensation for other issues. Thing is that the repiratory problem is the one most seriously affects my health and life everyday as well as the other issues.

I dont expect aps to expose my twisted, or the guardian ship manager. Its just so frustrating to see her manipulate and cover her active neglect and spiteful actions. When she is basically the reasopn we are in this postion where an outside agency has to step in for my mothers best interest.

It truly bothers me that becuase of her spite and hatred of me, she took charge of my mothers care via proxy, blocked me from any aspect of her care and refused to do anything for my mother including homecare or repairs becuase it would benifit me. Not to mention the ongoing sabatoge. Craziness. Yes as you have said from day one, I need to be out. and thanks for keeping it real. I so appreciate your input. You are one of the few who have given me insight that has changed my perspective with just a few words or encouraged me with just a simple phrase. Thank you so much. Some of you feel like family in spirit. I also have an appointment and will give update for the eye doctor.

I reordered a card via telephone 9 to 10 business days I hope I get it before she does. And yes I know ........ PO Address.

Good news, is this groin and hip pain is getting better. I still have issues and I am still careful.

Rays of love and health to all. Good night. ((HUGS))

Duck, big ((((((hugs)))))))).

Is there an appeal process for the WTC benefits?

Yes, your sister sounds like a master manipulator, but dont forget where she learned that.

The state of your mother's feet should be all the evidence the CM needs to know who is neglecting what.

Be well!

Hi again!
Tryingmybest, I started seeking counseling early before my dad arrived. The lady I talk to is awesome. If only I could move her into my house and have access to her 24/7 lol. I wanted to address a comment I read in someones post. (I don't remember who) This person said something like this: Why would this be different than caring for your child? It is very different. My child has never done anything to hurt me so deeply as my father did. The love between my child and myself is a patient, caring, gentle love. That kind of love makes you want to do anything for that person. My father did not give that kind of love, I don't have words to describe it. His abuse taught me to hate myself. As a child I tried so hard to please him. Needless to say, I find it difficult to say I would do anything for him. That love that makes you sacrifice for someone is just not there.
Back to something I said before, I always tried to find ways to avoid him. Being around him is toxic to me. I am still sucked into that trap that was formed by the abuse. I am so stuck in that trap that sometimes I don't know where he stops and I start. That is very sad for me. I don't want to be anything like him. I abhor being anything like him. The more I am around him the worse it gets. Adding to that trap, now I have to take care of him, 24/7. So to that person who made that comment, Do you see now? Why its different? If you don't then maybe that's a good thing, maybe you never experienced abuse from someone who is supposed to love and care for you as an innocent child.
I just found out recently that my dad may be living with me permanently. Its horrific for me to even think about. I am so scared I cried. Its something to talk about in my next counselling session.
Thank you for giving a space to talk about it with people who understand. I've read some of the posts and I hope at some point I can contribute.

rcvela - Don't pay any attention to statements that make no sense. Most of the people here know that raising your child is in no way the same as taking on the physical care of an elder parent, especially one who has abused you. The differences are endless.
I try to tune out posts that seem preachy or negative or judgmental... and thank goodness they are not the norm. Soak up the kindness, good suggestions and support here and just ignore the stuff that feels toxic to you.

Hello everyone. I haven’t been around in a while but wanted to give you all an update. I’ve lost an uncle and a niece here recently. My sweet niece didn’t get to make her 30’s. Still not happy with parents care. Dad weak but mom is in the worse shape and the one whom keeps suffering injuries. I feel an accident is waiting to happen with dad due to clutter that’s making a major comeback. I feel so helpless trying to stay out things. I know I was told to wait until the worse happens. Well in my book it’s happening and it keeps getting covered up. Few weeks ago, bruised knees on mom. This week I went to visit and my pampering to mom was doing her hair. As I proceeded, I see a nasty gash on the crown of her head. Since they already had appointments I insisted in going in with mom since sibling has been refusing to let me know anything and has sworn the aids to secrecy. And I'm still not poking around anymore (well until this week) but just loving on mom especially and dad. So the gash is a few days old according to doctor and again was not checked on at time of incident. Mom constantly moans every time someone touches her now. I don’t know if she is hurting currently or hurting from previous injuries. I’m just so sadden. I hate this watch and wait.

Mom got admitted to the hospital yesterday but not without a fight. BP in both arms were in the stage 2 range. Sibling was swearing at me saying mom wasn’t going anywhere but I called for ambulance anyway. Sibling stating she would carry mom to doctor tomorrow. When the ambulance made it, the BP numbers were in crisis range and climbing. Yet emergency professionals had to work at getting live-in-sibling permission to transport. Dad is taking it hard.

Say a prayer for us please!