notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My bro's birthday was the other day, my mom picked up my dad (long divorced, like since I was 2yo) to participate, so there were pictures of everyone shared with me. My dad's not looking good. It's hard to say, it's a bit par for course, as he's had a very shaky past 7 years, a lot of that time was when I was heading up his medical care.
It got me thinking. I need to say something to my father, in case he should pass soon. He's been such a force for DESTRUCTION in my own life, that it's hard to know what to say. But also, other than the absentee father part, he's not really to blame for me getting involved in caregiving to him, and "ruining" my life starting in 2011. He asked me for help with my grandmother, and I came to help. That was my choice to go and to stay.
So I'm not angry at him. It's sad that he's been such a bad figure in my life. I don't think he ever meant to do any harm to me. He is a very strange guy and has TBIs and perhaps some Aspergers or similar. He has leukemia that was discovered a year ago, and he can't stomach the meds, so... his clock is ticking.
Do I need to say something to him, to let him know I don't hate him? I don't act like I hate him, anyway. I give him presents at Christmas, one of the only people who bother to do anything like that. I cringe on every Father's Day and except once in a great while, haven't bothered to call on that day.
How do you reconcile things with someone who has been so confusing to you?
I just have a feeling his days are numbered and want to make sure I say anything I want to say. Not even sure what that would be. I'm so full of ambivalence about him.
I'd appreciate a chance to be honest about that ambivalence -- with him, or with other family -- but I don't see it going well. Maybe best to stay silent. Maybe there is no way to smooth over the difficult relationship this has been.
My cousin on his side just passed on Sunday. I may go there for the services August 13th.
I think maybe there is no way to have any emotional "closure" with a relationship that's been fraught with unhappiness (at least on my part) for its entirety.
Just wanting to take the high road and don't even know how or why I would do that.
HUGS!💟💟
You are very wise, and I agree with you when you say:
"I think maybe there is no way to have any emotional "closure" with a relationship that's been fraught with unhappiness (at least on my part) for its entirety."
Since it's 3 years post caregiving and I'm in a good place, and much better place, than I was during caregiving... maybe it's time to be a big person and apologize for any difficulty that I contributed to. Caregiving situations can make a person crazy. I'm convinced of that. lol
Any fights I had with my father during caregiving happened due to a lot of stress, on both of us. I just want to smooth things over, I guess. But it's hard for me, because deep down I don't like the man... as much of a big heart and humanitarian that I am. I can love him as a flawed person, as my father, but I don't like him. This is really hard for me, but I think I have to suck it up and apologize and be kind to him. I think I'll feel better about his passing, when it happens, if I handle things this way.
Rather than possibly remind him of something he may have already forgotten why not just tell him you are worried for him and just want to get your feelings out while there is still time. Maybe he might even welcome the opportunity to do the same. You never know.
Expressing concern for him, asking him about how he's doing... This will accomplish the same thing.
And yes, I think my dad will remember that I blacked his eye once (I only hit him the one time in those 6 years, but I unloaded. I was at a breaking point) and threw juice jars against the wall in his room once when he refused to put them away (after I did his shopping, and he just laid in bed like he did every day).
It was such a bad time for me. :-/ I do feel remorse. But instead of bringing up any past bad times, it makes more sense to me to express concern for him now, and let him know I care.
sharyn -good for you and enjoy the change! I hear you about being to old to deal with your work situation. Retirement is good.
duck - hang in there.
hi to the newbies. I not up to giving out much these days.
ali - good to see you here. I am thinking maybe you are wanting some meaningful contact with your dad as he may not be around much longer - this triggered by your cousin's passing. As for closure - not so sure abut that. For myself i knew I had to work out closure without mother. She would just have triggered more stuff. Closure for me was a process of accepting her and my limitations,
I like you don't seem to have extra stores of advice for anyone these days. This world has gotten so weird. I feel like we live in the Twilight Zone. Knowing how to act when I'm out now seems to be a daily learning experience. Some people in my bldg. are fine if I get into the elevator with them, others not so much. So it's probably just safer to say "no, I'll wait for the next one thx" Same with grocery shopping. Going out with my hubs is a nightmare cause he glares at everyone who he thinks aren't social distancing, makes loud comments. I just know he's going to get into an altercation one of these days. Sigh............
First, you can simply say something like "Dad, I know our relationship has been strained and I wish I had been more patient. I love you"
Second, my counselor suggested I think about something positive that came from having my Mom as my mother. It was a good exercise for me. My Mom was passionate about literature and nature. Her passion was inspirational to me and kindled my own love for reading and nature. Both bring me great pleasure. Then my counselor suggested I tell that to my Mom. I did and it felt good and Mom genuinely appreciated it.
I wish you all the best with this.
Golden - You will be in my thoughts and prayers, with love.
Thank you, CW, Glad, Gershun, Trying... and others... for the input. Hope you all are having a good day!
My mom is wearing me out. She could be much more difficult, so I should be grateful. But I'm just so tired. Every thing out of her mouth is a complaint or request. It's difficult to just "be" with her. She begs me to spend more time with her (she lives with us!) in her side of the house but when I do I just get a list of chores. It's impossible just to watch TV or visit without a bunch of suggestions.
I also have to find time to be a real live human for my husband and kids! It's so hard because we're staying in and they are missing sports and friends coming over and my husband is sick of being in the house. Our town is spiking so nothing unnecessary. It's so hard to smile. I miss going out to eat (getting takeout is worthless to me). I miss just wandering around Target. Now I'm trying to figure out two different school online schedules and what school supplies they need.
And then make conversation? Look decent? Avoid the news? It's all so hard.
But the real issue is he is has managed to get out of one of the gross things about taking care of him and not to mention is was one of the boundaries I set (he has to do for himself what he is capable of doing) He had the nerve to tell my daughter that she would have to empty his urinals from now on, right in front of me. My husband set him straight on that. I have to ask him almost every night to put his dishes in the sink. I am thinking of making a sign listing my boundaries and putting it up in his room with my schedule on it. Sometimes when he calls for me to do something for him I feel like that little child he gets mad at if I don't come immediately.
I have to get him out of my house, I am struggling. I cry some mornings when I get out of bed. I have called around and pretty much the same result. In home care ballpark $2300 a month. He needs skilled nursing. If that is not an option then assisted living would be next. I need to close for now, Thank you for being here.
Sounds like mom is stressing you out, your marriage out and your children which is all understandable and more so with this virus. Maybe, it is time for her to live somewhere else?
That's why my sister now has a team of Aides. I am not the servant. When I choose to help it's because I want to, not because I have been told to. Breathe - rant over.
I guess it's a survival thing that kicks in for the dependant one. Would be embarrassing to ask for such personal help too. What would I do if I needed that much help? I'd move to AL or NH to not be a burden on my family. That's a thing my sister has said too, she does not want to be a burden. Of course she couldn't see that she was... but with kindness it was pointed out that her *care needs had exceeded what family could offer*. Her choices were get paid Aides in or move into care. Recken your Dad needs that talk too. (I'd have his bags packed already).
i took a brief time out due to covid. I enjoyed being home with my family and having the time to clean and work on unfinished projects. all others including paid helpers abandoned parents -would not get groceries etc. Dad has a catheter and needs regular maintenance by dr. office-i had to do and had been doing for months before. I like doing things for dad he is helpless to defend for himself and his memory is awful-kind of a good thing-he can not remember what mom did or what caregivers did or did not do for him.
Primary care dr. has said due to mom falling 5 times in the last month they are not safe at home. mom reply was she cant leave her cats and books-nothing about dad-i feel dad would get better and consistent care in a facility.
I am doing the best I can. my hubby says i should cut off my parents period it has been way to much. we have decided to talk about dad only his progress at rehab etc. try to carry on as best we can.
I have been meaning to check in for a while. I have lost two elaborate posts and now my share is narrowed down.
Golden, my heart and prayers go out to you so sorry to hear about your son's anniversary. You have been thought so much and your intergrity, goodness, honesty and wisdom is an inspiration.
Much more to say and much love and appreciation to the 3G's, Barb, Book for sharing and taking time to impart wisdom and perspectives and options and reality,
Also just plain old thanks to everyone in this forum.. My life has changed from engaging and reaching out.
Sharing and reading others pain and joy helps in many ways. Not to mention the feedback and honesty,
I lost a book so I will have to come back later and give update.
I am in a better place spiritull and will share some of the journey.
Good Night, sleep tight.
Rays of love and peace to us all.
So this week on my days off I completed chores I had been working on for months. I got a lot accomplished and it felt good. I am going to ride this as hard and long as I can!
Good Night, Sleep Tight
Hi to the newbies
I think some of us are still burnt out even though our LO has passed. Our burden of dysfunction is life long. For me a lot of it has been learning to take care of myself, and I am still growing in that area. Also I have learned not to expect "normal" behaviour from dysfunctional people nor, any more, to try very hard to understand why they are as they are and do as they do. Crazy is as crazy does.
Number one in care giving and dysfunctional families is look after yourself. It's really number one everywhere but some of us were trained to put others first at too big a cost to ourselves. It takes time to unlearn that.
Just rambling here. The pandemic has made some things harder. My heart goes out to those of you who are seriously affected by it. Love and ((((((hugs))))) to all. Stay safe! ❤❤❤
Ali I remember when you last posted, though your life was much better, you still suffered from fatigue,
Duck you have a myriad of health problems. I am glad you are in a better space. That should help.
I remember some years ago reading on here that a poster said she had care given a Borderline Personality Disordered person and an Alzheimer's sufferer, She said she would take the Alzheimer's patient any day over the Borderline Personality. That spoke volumes to me as mother had BPD.
My health is better since mother passed and even more since I cut contact with my narc sister. Quite a bit better, but currently I am needing to "cotton wool" myself from the world. I find I can get quite unreasonably upset about small things like the neighbour who has put up a shed in his front yard right against my property. It doesn't look good and I am sure is not allowed but the process of getting this addressed is something I just don't want to go through. I have and have had enough to deal with. I feel I need a break
On the good side, finally, after much airing out, the old people's smell from mother's things in the two bedrooms where they were stored, is gone. I noticed it, with some relief, last week. I am slowly getting her stuff and some of mine to the garage for a trip to the dump. And in that process I am saying goodbye to things that remind me of much that goes back many years - good and bad.
My difficult dgd has shown some interest in old photos so those albums will go to her though I am not sure exactly when. She is still very much a teen age drama queen. The rest will be trashed.
The kitties are delightful. Rocky who was so difficult is now the cuddliest of the two. She has to snuggle up to my side and be petted several times a day. They come in wanting their supper between 6 and 7 and chase the treats I throw down the stairs. Pumpkin gets her wet food in the cat room and Rocky her extra treats and dry food in the main basement room. The doors are shut so they are separated Rocky's preference for sure. The next morning I open doors and they each have to check each other's food bowls, litter boxes and may use them, and sometimes their beds, They want lots of petting in the morning then they go outside and from then on it is musical doors often - one in, one out, and so on. Rocky had caught a few small critters. Pumpkin chases bugs. lol
Today is a lovely summer warm rain day so we all are feeling a little lazy. Hope everyone is having a good weekend despite the current challenges This area is doing pretty well right now. The next uptick will likely be when the kids go back to school. I am managing my nails quite (surprisingly) well and my hair is OK - well as long as I wear it up or the day I curl it. Touching up roots has been easy. I am not ready to go back to the salon until I can do it regularly.
Take care all - no one can look after you as you do. Its part of your job in life. ((((((hugs)))))
So I texted my dad and told him his options were to pay for in home health care out of his pocket or go to skilled nursing. A few hours later he sends a group text to my husband, my brother and me. He tells them he has no where to go after his discharge because "Rachael doesn't want me anymore" "I have to go to my own house and crawl around on the floor to get around"
I can not begin to tell you how much that upset me. First of all you have to know that this man abused me and my brother as children and into our teens.
But I still took care of him. After his triple bypass, I got up in the middle of the night to help him pee in a urinal for months because he could not sit up by himself. This time he has an amputation of his left leg. I have been caring for him since May. Everything including no. 2 in bed pans, cleaning his butt after.
so, I feel betrayed. I don't expect a thanks. But I did not expect him to try to turn my husband and brother against me! I did not tell him I was sending him to the skilled nursing. I simply told him it may be his only option. Because I have to work. That in his condition I can not provide him with the care he needs.
I texted him that what he said was mean and hurtful and also unacceptable.
I have not talked to him since and I plan not talk to him until I have no other choice. Because if I do talk to him anytime soon I may say something to him I may regret. I had a text ready to send to him this morning telling him I was done. My husband told me not to send it.
Thats about it. I needed to let some one know how I am feeling. It helps to talk about it.
If his care needs are too high for you (& they are from what you say) then they are too high. This is a fact.
His feelings are his. His care needs are also his. His words seem to hurt you so much but they are just words.
You can be sympathetic to his feelings but tell him the truth about his situation. I am sorry this happened to you but your health needs are way too high for me, or any one person. Listen to your medical team about the real choices you have. I hope you can adjust to your situation in time.
It seems he is just venting. It will take time for him to take responsibility for his life & choose his path. This may be a new thing for him to learn.