The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi rcvela - tough situation. To me it sounds like your Dad is wanting to guilt you into personally looking after him. I a sorry you and your bro were abused as children and teens.He is using FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to get you to take over his care . I honesty doubt he is going to change. You have to look after your needs. A psychologist, Pauline Boss recommends that adult children of an abuser do not do hands on care. I was in that situation and I did care giving at a distance. I understand you being upset about his text. For me, accepting that my mother was as she was -narcissistic, self centered, lacking in empathy, sometimes cruel, helped me to distance emotionally, and take steps to protect myself from more emotional abuse. I greatly distanced myself, at one point stopped answering her phone calls, as they uset me too much. Eventually she became unable to use the phone,.I lived 5 hours drive away and visited a few times a year for a short period of time making sure I had someone with me. I was in close contact with the staff in the various facilities she was in ti ensure she had the care she needed. Your dad needs skilled nursing care. You know you cannot look after him in your home for several reasons, You are dong the right thing for him. Make sure you are doing the right things for you. He is getting the care he needs. You don't have to subject yourself to more abuse. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and come back and vent any time, Many here understand. (((((((hugs))))))

Good afternoon to everyone! I wish the best to all caregivers, the struggle is real and just not heard by those who have not done it. My heartfelt thank you and keep posting here where you will be heard and supported.

I am retired now, SSI is working on deleting a double income entry from 1988. One has a legit tax Id and the other is not legit but fir exact same amount. It appears to be a typo. This income is from working for re-election campaign for a congressmen. I know I only worked 3 months at most for minimum wage so there is no way I received both entries. I had to take money out of my inheritance to get through next month and my SSI should be worked out by late September.

we are all doing well. As of last Friday, my employer had to shut down the Starbucks due to a COVID outbreak. Happy I’m not there.

My grandsons will start kindergarten next week on Tuesday and Thursday with Friday being an online day.

my great niece is pregnant with her second child. She is the daughter of my niece that took her own life 2 years ago. I am enjoying seeing the family grow, I have 2 great great nieces now!

sending my best to everyone and I’m praying and hoping you are all well and getting support systems in place

❤️💕 Sharyn

Hi Sharyn - good to see you posting. A nuisance about your SSI but I am glad it is getting sorted out. Sounds like retirement is very much a good thing for you. Your grandsons are growing. Interesting how they are adapting even kindergarten to a safer situation. My youngest grandson (age 15) will do next term on line totally (his choice).

Two great great nieces!!! Wow. I am happy for you.

Here we are getting through the summer. I am feeling a bit bushed as I haven't been much farther than the post box since March. I'm going to have stretch my wings and go out and do a bit of banking. If I was even 10 years younger I would not feel I had to be quite so careful, but at my age -83 now - i feel lots of caution is necessary.

As the estate is taking another step towards completion (having to send monies overseas to my sister has added complications) I am looking towards a less complicated future. However I unfortunately haven't been able to immediately cast off the crap from the past, it went on soooo long - over 80 years of my life, I am still feeling some hurt and anger and I guess it will take a while. to resolve it to at least a better level.

Take care all

Sharyn, wow two new great, great nieces? Congrats on that. Great to see you posting. Retirement sounds wonderful a few years for me yet.

Golden, I am not at all sure about getting past the past. Don't know if it will ever be for me either. The spite and vindictiveness that is experienced is still very hard to believe as I just would not have done the same to twisteds if the shoe was on the other foot.

Good night all.

glad - i am not sure about getting past the past . I think it is a new normal for us. The past is gone and some negatives went with it but some positives too. The new normal has its own set of positives and negatives.

Like last summer we had one hot day this year = over 80. It has been rainy. windy and cool. Hoping for an Indian summer before winter sets in. Finally the mowers came and did a good job. The landscapers are supposed to come this week. The city did contact me about the garden shed next door. Hopefully something will come of it. There may be trouble with the fence too as the posts are higher than allowed.


Take care all.

Hi everyone. I am new to this thread and am grateful that it has been started. My family was extremely dysfunctional growing up and continues to be so with a surviving 94 year old mother. She has now become an aging, mean and demanding person. During COVID-19, I delivered home cooked meals, took time off work to make visits and she repaid me after four months by saying, "You're just after my money and I'm not dead yet." When I confronted her on this remark, she said, "I just feel the way I do." It was crushing. I have given up trying to make her happy. Now I just live with this weird guilt caused by detachment. I think I am mourning my loss of ever having a relationship with her. At 56, I know we will never be close. And while I accept this, the years of negativity and verbal abuse are wearing heavy on me. Has anyone been through this? My dad and I were very close, but he passed away 10 years ago and I am feeling alone. Any advice would be appreciated from those who have been there. Thanks.

newheart15,

My advice from dealing with an abusive mom is to see a therapist. These dysfunctional families that we come from keep therapists in business. You might find one who will see you virtually through your phone or laptop. My prayers go with you.

Newheart, welcome 😍.

I'm not excusing your Mother's words but I think sometimes some people can be embarrested about needing help. It's a pride thing. So they lash out. They may have previously been very independant, strong personalities, used to be being in control etc.

More humble, polite, flexible personalities accept they need help & will freely say *thank you*.

(You didn't get that Mother it seems... neither did I.)

It's not a gender thing but I have noticed in my family the males will say thank you but some females just grumble or even state they don't need any help (when they clearly do). Pride.

In answer to 'you only want my money' ignore the actual words & be factual: "I am trying to help you. I saw you needed some things & I am happy to do it".

I would take a joke stance myself: "I'm just after your money? Ha! Well if that was the case I would have found a much richer old lady to go slurp up to!!

"You're not dead yet you say? Nope. Still complaining I see, certainly not dead". 😉

They are the sort of replies my Grandmother would have reveived from her daughters. She would just chuckle (but the message got through).

I say "Oh THANK YOU" out loud sometimes & get a look like WHAT?? I just laugh. Oh did you say something? I thought you thanked me? 😁

Hi everyone!

Sharyn good to see you. Happy retirement.

Golden, your words on caregiving were very well spoken a few posts back.
Your sentiments about dealing with past pain issues in life also have me wondering if one can ever get past (in my case) such a long history of emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse as a child and onward in different levels and forms as an adult.

There are times when my mother is very lucid and those are time I see her old narcissitic game self. I am still in a good place. Sad but not depressed.

I had a bad severe mucsle injury to my r. foot last tuesday, Walking a double twisted my foot in a small gass cap sink hole in street. Thought I had broken it then I was able to walk. I go to work the pain got horrendous so bad I beat my self up for not going directly to ER at first. By the time I got off my mind was set to the ER but the pain was gone. I could walk. So go to the ER and while I am at it ask that my hip pain be evaluated. Xray showed hip fx. I cried. Had ct scan and find I have a 7mm hip spur projecting from the front my hip joint. So much pain for over a year comes and goes depending on what that spurr is doing. Anyways I also find cause of the right foot pain I had a good while back also.

So I had no intention of going back to doctor after I got refills of blood pressure meds. Luckily the followup apt is on friday the 4th so I can get referral to Othropedic specialist and resolve some issues, I am going to get as much treatment as I can with out the insurance. It seems surgery is my best option. I would love to walk and turn around in bed without a thought.

So tuesday as I limped to work I was unable to clean up mess my mother made. My nephew came by and threw out every cup I had down there and all my little bowls I use that were in drain. I havent text him in a while but I gave him a good piece of my mind. So glad I wasnt in a place where those actions could have taken me deeper in a funk. Its sad to live amist low lifes. Its worst than the homeless not staying in shelters because the other homeless people beat them up and steal their things they feel its safer in the streets.

Even in good spirit I, (Ms tough Lady, Ms. Im alright) will break down and cry if you look at me wrong.
My son will be returning to the states soon. I am fruatrated still that I wont be able to travel to see them. I cant risk catching covid or risk giving it to them or my mother. Nor can I afford the quarantine. I feel lucky my clients mother still allows me to work. She is refussing so many nurses in replacement of a few who left. It a very low risk job for covid. Health insurance kicks in next year june with this new agency. Hopefully its a decent policy. Its a sad reality that I would be better off healthcare wise if I were not working. I hope to work a lot more rif my health allows.

Welcome to the new commers. Keep posting. Its cathartic and you will eventually hear something that triggers the healing process.

I really love and appreciate you all.

Good Night! Sleep tight.

Rays of love and healing to us all.

Newheart, welcome aboard. You are not alone at all. When I first came on board I didnt even realize some of my issues. But my issues started out similar to what you posted. No matter what, I could never please my mother, giving giving, doing doing, trying to prove my love. I was also ended up cooking and bringing my mother hot meals. Never got the containers back, or acknowledgement. But she would walk to the corner and meet me as passed on my way to work. Our Mode of Operation was if I said it was blue she would say it was red and something was wrong with me. She always threatened me about if I didnt do this or that I wouldnt get something.

Very very painful to be accused of something,, especially stealing or wanting their money and even worst that they believe it.

There are some wonderful people on board here who had the patience and cared enough to first help me learn about narcissim. The got me on the road to healing and changed my perspectives and then my reactions and saved me from insanity.

I realized how I was programed to be the scapegoat, cinderella. from all the ridicule and violations I knew what the hurt felt like and could never intentionally bring myself to do wrong to anyone.

So much more, I can write a book. But trust that they know your heart, and your love and that what they bank on and then use guilt to keep you in check. Someone posted something about the narcissistie mother and I cried because it described my family situation perfectly.

So today I realized something. I was pissed about something and ways of my clients mother who is also a narcissist. Gets staff to do everything. I have grown to love her in a way. I began to wonder is it my calling to be the narcissist's thorn which is what I become with them all. So much so that there is sabagtoge. Anyways I kept thing back wondering what line of thought I had after this breakthrough moment when I was in a bad funk. So I couldnt think of it and I started thinking, that if I respond to the nonsense, I give her power. If I realize how trivial and the intent and turn my back on it it loses momentum and may become nothing. So did I want to run up my pressure, just to let this person know I am on to them, hurting their feeling and bracing for the retaliation which is sure to come and add to your hurt and insul to your spirit in one way or another all because so petty bs became important to me in the midst of so many more immportant issues.

Happy Birthday Golden, I either missed it or its coming. I turned 60 today. So I was like dang I look good for my age, this was after days of pain and stress, limping and stressing over my hip pain causes. So when I got off, the pain was gone (back now) and I felt good. Almost lost it when I focused on negative comments spoken the night before. Decided it was not even that important and now the day is almost over and I am thankful and happy.

Bottom line is loving myself. Learning to after I have been programed to catered to everyone else. Its so sad the reality. I see other families support and love eachother. One of the people I work with has family like that.

So enough of the negative. My son stopped me this morning when I started to go in on my twisted (thank you Gershen) and her son., Thank Goodness.

So when I get off for the next few days, I will be making a beef stew soup. Get my hair done and followup with md about this hip issue.

Everyone enjoy, and take a moment to treat yourselves good.

Rays and Rays of Love and healing to us all.

Happy bday, Duck!

Thanks duck, it was and a very happy birthday to you!!!🎂

more tomorrow,

Happy Birthday to all who are or have recently celebrated b'days! 🎂💕

Happy birthday, Duck!!

Welcome newheart the dysfuntional family club is fairly big.The accusation of just being after money is not rare. I am glad you ave given up trying to make her happy as you can't. Each ones of us is responsible for our own happiness. lease try to let go of the guilt. You are doing nothing wrong. Detaching is healthy. I had a lifetime of negative words, anger, verbal abuse and it does wear on a person. I am 83 now. My mother passed at age 106 about 1 1/2 yrs ago. I was her POA financial and health. My dad passed many many years ago and I felt then that I had no family any more though my sis and mother were still alive, so I understand. You need to look after yourself whether that is counselling detaching from your mother or whatever. Do some things that are just for you, that build you up. that help your self esteem, that you enjoy. And let us know how you are doing. (((((hugs))))

Duck, so glad you are getting to the root of your hip pain and that there is a solution. Bottom line IS loving yourself. You can't pour out of an empty jug. All the gas lighting and criticism and put downs are very painful and they affect our self esteem. We have to be our own best friends and build ourselves up. (((((hugs)))))

Greetings All!

Thanks for the Birthday wishes.

I have to honestly say I cant believe I am 60. Hard to explain but it feels good. I dont feel old just glad to be here. I guess if and when I hit the 70's I might start jumping lines lol. Just kidding.

My beef soup ended up a delicious gulash. I had the stew beef, cut up steak I had in freezer for a good while. Threw in a chicken breast, a little bacon left over in the freezer and cut up some potatoes, and carrots and mixed vegetables and collard greens and some screw like noodles with crush tomatoes. It was very good, my mother ate a bowl and I quickly refilled it.

I got referral for otheropedics, even though its been chronic pain it was a relief to know the reason behind it.

I had aspirated a piece of food few weeks ago. Got scared from the increased coughing and phlegm. I had ordered mullien leaf capsules over a year ago after reading that mullien helps decrease mucus. But I was affraid to take it thinking it would make my cough work.

I found that it greatly helped my cough, so much so that the second day I felt a small lump come with my cough and it slowly got better. I still cough but just sharing that it helped.

On the family front, my son is back in the states. In many ways I felt he was safer in Korea than in his own country.

I dont know when I will get to visit. I see a big risk getting on a plane in a cabin for hours.

Meanwhile I come down yesterday and find a new sheet set on my mother bed the floor swept and mopped and it made my day.

Of course I had an issues about him (MDN) throwing out the foam mattress, it was torn off at the top but it made such a big difference to feeling the mattress rings in the sofa bed that I bought one for myself.

I had been planning on buying a new one. I am Tempted to ask if he noticed how uncomfortable the mattress springs would be to my mother or if he plans to replace the one he threw out that he did not buy. But she would get in the bed under the foam mattress. I still dont think he had a right to throw it away. But I am learning not to give things power. Especially when I was planning to replace it. So I guess I will keep my mouth shut. Learning to do that also. Such wisdom comes with 60 whew!

I hope everyone is in a good place. Keep smiling it shows in the eyes. Sometimes a nice smile makes my day.

Self Love has also become a focus for me. Crazy but true.

Rays of love, healing and light to us all.

Good Night

With age comes wisdom, Duck. Glad to see you are able to let some stuff go. Be well.

Wow, I have been off of here for awhile and am glad to "see" some old familiar names! Have been going through a lot of depression issues with losing my mom, and now MIL passed on this past Spring. Hope everyone is hanging in there still. Happy Birthday Duck!

Good to see you posting, Katie. Be good to yourself, part of that is being and posting here, many of us have been where you are.

Oh boy, what a week. We went to the river house, and had FIL and BIL and G's cousin down for the day. First time cousin has been anywhere since COVID began.. It really went better than I expected,, we told all the older neighbors that FIL was coming ( he is 97) and a lot stopped by to see him, he was thrilled and had a great time. and G and his brother got along great ( I am worried that once FiL passes they will have no contact due to SIL.. who my hubs told his brother she was NOT invited) Now my MOTHER.. LOL She is slipping.. you have heard my stories about her "overdrinking" her 2 glasses of wine that the Drs "allow".. great, they don't have to put her silly butt to bed on occasion.. but since they say its OK we are a bit hand tied. Its like having another toddler.. she started out by telling everyone she gets "naughty" when she drinks.. oh yeah.. out on the deck for dinner,, asking loud personal questions of people ( MY BIL did not want everyone to know he wears hearing aides or how much they cost).. It's like the more attention FIL got the more she acted up. So I called her out on it the next morning.. she has been pouting ever since.. LOL And then this morning she could not figure out how to work the toaster.. and she is being stubborn on the eating. I told hubs just to "let it go",, she is now eating because for 2 days I just said OK when she said she was not hungry.. no attention lead to her finally deciding she was hungry! I really can not decide if the eating and toaster issue are for attention ( her sister and Dr think it probably is), or if she is declining that fast,, but I guess we'll see.. Sorry for the long rant,, but I am really glad to be going back to work tomorrow!

Not good! How do I protect myself from verbal abuse and “temper tantrums “ in public????? Today was the most severe. I’m physically/mentally wiped out from her lashing out on me, accusing me of “stealing “, and her accusations that I “am abusive”. She’s experiencing delusions. I’m afraid either someone will call the police and she will be committed or worse, I will be falsely accused by her. She will use “calling 911 on me” as threats or leverage to get what she wants. It’s overwhelming and It’s a nightmare!
My elderly mother has on set dementia, depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. (possible bi polar, but has NEVER taken her meds) My siblings have given up on her. I’m all she has, but I’m treated as a punching bag. I need to protect my mental health! Any advice? Btw: Love your topic

To protect yourself notify the police that there is a person with dementia living at your address that experiences delusions. Get a letter from her doc to help.

I’m new to this site; I posted first time last week. How do you get through to a verbally abusive mother and let her know her behavior will not be tolerated? I’ve told her countless time to no availability. As a child I was severely physically and emotionally abused by her and my father (he passed away when I was 11) She claims to have NO memory of such treatment. Former therapist/ social workers have advised me to cut all ties. I can’t do that: However, I do need her to realize I will not accept her screaming at me as if I’m a child, verbal assaults, or public tantrums: I walk away and do not acknowledge her when she’s behaving inappropriately. It takes a mental toll on me and several days to “recover”. How can I handle this issue? Her siblings have all passed away and my immediate family no longer speak to her. She has intense mood swings and can be pleasant: Unfortunately, the slightest thing can set her off and she’ll become enraged, speak of suicide, and scream like a banshee. I’m exhausted.

MsKatz, you quite clearly, from your description, have a mentally ill parent.

This is not your fault. Neither is it your problem to solve.

Your mother needs help from social services. Soci services will not help as long as they perceive that YOU are available.

To get her appropriate help, you need to step away.

MsKatz, you cannot stop your Mother yelling (or change her other behaviour).

But you can move out of earshot.

Have you moved in with her, or just nearby?

Please read & re-read Barb's post below. It is a proven method to help you both.

Mom's behavior will only get worse. Therapists will always tell us that if we were abused as children to never provide care for them.

Ms. Katz, wecome again.

Barbs advice is right on point.

When I first started posting, lots of the advice was good, some I couldnt understand (now I understand) and some of the advice I just could not bring my self to do.

One issue was that I was blocked from getting my mother the services she needs by my sister and because of that and her lack we are awaiting the asignment of a permanent guardian for her care and finances its sad.

So if you are able try to get her help and intervention it get worse.

Pamz, its been a good while, and nice to see you back again.

Kattie, so sorry for your loss. Your resilience is encouraging.

Barb, Thanks.

So now my mother is pulling out her good chinaware. I dont know if it was a wedding gift but as a kid I remember she was very watchful about washing and handling her dishes. Quite a few of the crystalware is gone.

So my sister of course cares nothing about this and I know I have to eventually get in there and clear out these cabinets.

She even took the screw out of one of the office chairs I saw her working on it and I was in awe. Now I know where I got my curiosity from. She has pulled up the tiles in the hallway and a few in the kitchen. Its amazing her determination. All the cabinets and wall unit compartments are filled with a lot of junk.I can barely keep up with daily damage and I know I need to get these compartments cleared out. So I will start with washing the chinaware and try packing it and safeguarding it until I figure out what to do with it.

Otherwise all is well. Hip pain comes and goes and intensifies depending on what position the bone spurr is in. I have a few annual appointments via the wtc, mamogram, sonaogram and lungscan. My focus will be on getting these things done and keeping my head in the mist of my turmoil.

Glad, you are so right, part of taking care of myself involves posting here. It has helped in more ways than I can say. I am forever grateful to you "oldtimers" (no offense! please!) and the wonderful people who have been through worse or the same who share their pain and the growth.

Rays of love light and healing to us all.

Yes, posting here is important. I used to confide with my dear mom. It grounded me. I value this site as it's a place to throw out my thoughts and get rid of the junk that has been clogging my brain.

I lay awake at night thinking about death a lot. My death especially. But I've always been preoccupied with this. I think maybe because I lost my Dad at a very young age? Who knows but I imagine all sorts of horrible scenarios where I'm a victim of a homicide or some such thing. The thing is I'm not a hypochondriac. In fact I'm the opposite. I usually downplay any type of ailment I may be suffering from. Anyone else relate?

Anyway this is my purging my thoughts for tonight.