The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gershun,

I can relate. I don’t talk about this often because it was terrifying to me as a child. My parents took us to many wakes and funerals at a young age. I also had to go to horror movies as a young child because my brothers wanted to see them. Vincent Price horror shows were scary! I was too young to be at those kind of movies.

Anyway, I had a dream that I died and was at my own wake. I was dead in the casket but was totally aware of everything.

In the dream my soul was floating above my body and I was screaming, ‘Don’t cry!’ It made me sad that they were crying. I realized that they couldn’t hear me and they continued to cry at my wake.

I have never forgotten that dream. It’s a pretty intense dream for a little girl. I always wondered if I would be able to view my own funeral. Weird, huh?

I think I want cremation. I don’t want people staring at me when I am dead. I think cemeteries are beautiful, a place to reflect on loved ones but I hate funerals and I think that stems from my childhood.

Gershun, as you have said this is what the forum is for. I am not a psychiatrist so I cant speak on a focus on ones own death.

I know I have had dreamt I was dead a few times far and inbetween.

I think that death especially when its a close loved one or friend or in any case will cause us to focus on our own mortality.

One time death was almost an everyday thing, part of the job. It always left an impact on my spirit and led to me focusing on my own death at one point or another.

NeedHelp, I loved the vincent price and horror shows, Thriller, the mummy, I believed my fixation was a need to see the good overcome evil. I am sure it had to do with my station in life as a child. I always felt left out and still feel that way or dont fit in but if you really look at it its just a matter of opinion of another person.

Because of my profession I have been exposed to certain things and it has definitely had a negative affect on my pschye. So, when my son went to Iraq, several times I practically drove myself crazy with applying every possiblity of demise. When I spoke to a priest after he noticed me telling me that he gave me the last rite (something rarely done) that information threw me for a big loop. I was near death, I lived, and why? and now instead of being with My God in Heaven, I am thinking of how much it would and will hurt my son and people who loved me. I was thinking of all the people I lost and how it must of felt for them leaving.

I believe and this is my belief that it is or may be a beautiful thing. I also think we are at a loss to focus on it because Its part of the answer to something greater and bigger than our capacity to understand.

I can see it being easy to focus on death especially after so much pain and hurt and wrongness and struggle and so many times not suiciday I have thought of being in heaven away from these earthly trials and pain.

But right now in this human form, I feel we have to focus on showing and giving love. I know my fault is trying to make everyone one and everything happymx fix it. But its a blessing to be happy to help someone. its also I think and even greater blessing to be able to let go and let things be.

There is nothing I can do to fix my mother or my sister. I can work on what is left of myself and truthfully sometimes I can't find the motivation. I think of my death also. Sometimes all that comes is negative. Then I pray I am now likeing psalm 4 and 6 and I feel hopeul and project that hope and I get it back.

I cant smile if I am thinking sadness so I dont get smiles.

Deep down I feel like my life is just turmoil, Because of my faith and hope I hold on to light and goodness and love. If I focus on that whurl wind inside me I know I will just get tossed and tossed in one way or another and still have to deal with living this life and this vicious cycle so I try to focus on hope to break it and maybe come to some other level where its not so shaky and scary. If its my station in life to be miserable and broken I am going to find some way to find some light, or a smile or a chuckle even if its not going to last.

I think I went off tangent there but I feel the pain that is expressed in the forum. We are all struggling with this thing called life.

Rays of love, light and healing to us all.

Duck,

I get it. I loved a good scary movie as I got older but seeing ‘House of Ushers’ as a young child it freaked me out. We also went to see all of the Hitchcock movies. They were fantastic but as I said I was little. My older siblings were several years older and those were their favorite movies.

We did go see comedies too such as Pink Panther with Peter Sellers. They were cute as well all of the Disney films.

Movies were cheap then and changed every week so families could go often. Nowadays it cost a fortune for families and the refreshments cost more than the show!

Did you watch Twilight Zone on television? I loved that show and still watch the reruns. 😊

I know I came across this posting for a reason. Today was not a good day for either my mom or I. Her heart is broken for what her son and youngest daughter did to her and I’m extremely homesick and sleep deprived due to caring for my mom all by myself.

I am currently the sole-careprovider for my 88 (soon to be 89) year young mom and I live 14 hundred miles away. She lives in the southwest, I live in the northeast.

For the past 4 months, I have lived with her to set-up a household (all new housing items) after her only son took all of her belongings while she was recouping at my younger sister’s home due to a severe case of sciatica. Then months later, she was diagnosed with sepsis and eColi due to eating fast foods that my younger sister was providing her...either that is how she got these two infections or it was via the meat from wild boars and deer my brother-in-law kills for sport and food.

My mom has three children all past the age of 55. Three who live in the same state as my mom and all who should care for their mom as she cared for them and even raised some their children because they were either gallivanting, vacationing, or building their careers. Oh yes, they used my mom to cook, wash, take care of kids, go grocery shopping and clean their homes when she younger. But now...they are no where to be found.

Her son a former law enforcement officer who supposedly took an oath of integrity accountability, ethics, and honor, which today you would not believe it because of the way he has deserted our mom. He has a five bedroom, four bath home...he is an empty nester, yet, his mom is living in a sliding scale income housing complex. Great son qualities!

The youngest daughter spent approximately $3k of my mom’s money while she was ill and living with her. And that’s not even noting how she got my mom to sign a credit card application, which she charged, charged and charged leaving my mom with a $7k credit card bill that still has not been paid. Accordingly to my younger sister, those pending charges were not hers but that’s so false as my mom does not make political contributions to any party!

Then you have the oldest daughter who left her oldest daughter with my mom to care for when she was a toddler and young child because she thought going out and partying, getting high and dating bad boys was what she was to do rather than raise her daughter.

Me...I left home, got married, divorced, raised my kids away from where my mom lived and my sibling always Seemed to returned to and then eventually stayed...(younger sister never left the state).

I have been away from them all for at least 35 years. Occasionally, I would visit their home state but once i left, I did not return to live there and raise my children. I called my mom everyday (2xs or 3xs daily) to see how she was and at times, we would even watch a tv show together and give commentaries to each other about it. I was present with my mom but not my siblings.

So, how am I doing?!?!? My days are based on how my mom is doing and if I have to do a chart of how those days pan out from good bad...my chart would look like the charts that show the spikes of how COVID comes and goes...up, low...back up and back down!

I’m angry on how my 3 siblings are personas non grada. How can they not seek to find out about my mom?!?! They all have my telephone number; they all have my email address and contact information of my children. What is wrong with these people??

Talk about dysfunctional...that’s this family. Not wanting to address the issues honestly...their behavior toward by mom (to me) is incomprehensible, unbecoming, disgusting and just plain rude!

I sincerely dislike them three but I can put my emotions aside to deal with this...so any suggestions how to address the three spooks??

Seriously I have better descriptive words for them but this is an open public forum :)

Thisis4 your siblings sound a lot like mine did when I was there for my mom and they were pursuing careers, getting their nails done, going to the gym.

All I can share with you is how I handled my situation which basically in a nutshell was not handling it. I made them aware of the situation then waited and waited and waited. I heard crickets, I heard criticism on how I could do better but I never heard my phone ring much with offers to help. I think my younger brother took mom's apartment keys for a week saying he would help. Yes a whole week. Imagine that. He couldn't wait to give them back. When he was with her he gave her medicine incorrectly and probably put her at greater health risk.

So, I think what I am saying to you is maybe don't expect help cause if they were so inclined to help they probably would have by now.

Good Luck!

I will be off for the next few days and its horrible trying to post on my phone but I have to share this.

Its no coincidence that I ended up in this forum. Its something I needed and every day I am glad I kept posting, no matter how silly or stupid or crazy my issues were because I keep getting help. Even the process is cathartic.

Smile, Be safe.

Rays of love and healing to us all.

NeedHelp, Yes! Indeed I watched the twilight zone!

Previously when I logged in I didnt see new posts.

Be good to yourselves, its time for me to make the doughnuts and get home.

(((HUGS)))

Hugs back, Duck!

I am new here and just wanted to thank everyone, through my tears, for being so open and honest about the various kinds of h*** they are going through. Me, too. But my tears right now are from overwhelming relief at finding a group that totally "gets it". It makes a huge difference to my morale (and sanity!) to know that I can safely vent here and not be brushed off with the standard "But she is your mother. Be happy she is still around." that normally get. I will post more later but right now I am just going to read through the thread. I suddenly feel so supported it is unreal. Divine intervention?

AgingCare has been a lifesaver for me TDub.I'm glad you found it too~

Welcome Tdub.

Hi everyone! I am so grateful I found this site by chance. It’s been a crazy four years when I look back on everything it gives me strength to know I can make it through anything. I am 35 years old and I have been caregiving for both my parents the last four years. My father had a heart attack four years ago and then had complications afterwards was hospitalized for over 6 months atfour different hospitals. Once my father was recovering well and even back at work my grandfather then fell and hit his head and I went with my mom to her home town to take care of him for two months. After everything my mother and I went on a mother daughter trip and on the last day my mom woke up and couldn’t feel her legs and couldn’t walk and was Incontinent. The trip back to the US was the most stressful 14 hours of my life.When we returned to the US she was diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis and has been recovering one step at a time. I had to learn how to cath her and wake up 4-five hours and 24 hour care after she left the hospital and inpatient rehab it was difficult finding a caregiver to help me and even then I had to monitor everything. My father then had a stroke at our home and recovered enough to come home but then had complications from blood thinners and was admitted to the hospital again. Despite having help their care was on my shoulders and consumed every hour. My father passed away 8 months ago. Despite being a natural giver and having an aptitude for medical and caregiver role and I love my parents it has been very hard but everyone just keeps saying how amazing I have been doing and they can’t imagine and how they wouldn’t be able to be as strong as me. They have no idea how difficult it has been with especially my mom emotionally and communication wise despite her positive attitude towards her recovery our communication and our dynamic was less than ideal before all of this happened and as I heal create boundaries and come into my power the resistance from her is evident in a lot of controlling ways. I’m positive overall but it can be very lonely when most peers my age aren’t dealing with the same situations or issues. I’m positive I will get to achieve all I want within my career and will be successful despite everything and will be able to date again and create my own family I still have faith. The key is really having the balance of boundaries and self care in a environment and role that can really prevent these essential elements to occur. The most difficult part is my mother Making every conversation about her not listening to me and brushing me off or ignoring what I have to say in simple conversations it hurts but reading in these forums it seems common and that helps to not feel alone. It has been a pleasure taking care of both of them yes I would like to get my life back and I know in time this will happen but the family dynamics can make even the strongest person feel defeated but I know this is part of the process and a lot of positive have come from this experience.

Hi, everyone~ It has been quite an eventful 24 hours for me since I found this forum. Instead of feeling alone and spinning with anger and resentment I suddenly feel grounded, like there are invisible threads that connect us all and are making us stronger through the common bond.
Reading through the articles and postings on various topics made me realize two things very quickly: 1) I need to set better boundaries, and 2) I need to be kinder to myself.
Emotional housekeeping is now underway. I feel so calm and empowered this morning.
Sending a virtual hug to each and everyone one of you sisters and brothers that I have never met but who now make me feel like I have a home.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted since the last time, when I was thinking about approaching my father at/during cousin's funeral... just to make amends, if that was even needed.

I was feeling some guilt. I was REALLY angry at times during The Caregiving Years, and I acted in ways I wish I wouldn't have.

But I have no reason to think my father, or anyone in my family, is mad at me so I'm dumping the guilt.

I'm getting along with family -- the dominant personalities of mom and older bro -- as well as ever. Bro especially still likes to pick at me, I just let him and make fun of him for being critical of nothing. It's working for now.

Mom has got herself into this codependent situation with my father and his care. They have been divorced since I was 2 years old, that's 43 years ago, so they were barely married... but now my mom at 68 wants to do everything for my father and baby him, then wants to also complain to me and get support.

I pretty much told her that I resented her for not supporting me during the times *I* needed support for same reasons... and she got it... and apologized... and now it's all water under the bridge and to what degree I can support my mother, I'll do that.

I think she's a bit bonkers to be saying she wants to move my dad into her house. She can barely take care of herself but she likes to take on the sad cases in the community, has always been like this. She helps out with a few seniors through her church. I won't stop her... but can't encourage her, either. I'll just support where I can, I guess.

All in all, my dysfunctional family is peaceful these days. The cousin who had my grandmother's guardianship at the very end of her life gave me a few long hugs at his brother's funeral. I chose to interpret that as him saying "sorry about all that mess." And it is over, and there is no changing the past and the bad circumstances of my grandmother's death, so I choose to just... move forward and not to hold any grudges.

A hearty welcome to newcomers. There are some wonderful folk on board here.

TDub, Love7, I felt the same way when I happended along.

Ali glad you are in a period of peace.

I am sought of there, I dont know if I have finally meshed into my role as my mothers caregiver, accepted and the routine and my limits. I also feel my mother had kind of acceptedd her position.

I really dont know how to handle my nephew throwing things out including my mothers fine dishes that I occassionally use for her meals as she pulls them out as well as cups and 99cent bowls I use. Its hard for me to come to terms or accept these spiteful violations.

He threw away the foam mattress I bought as well as the sheets and bought new ones. So do I wash these and put on ones I have stashed in wall unit ore just dont touch bed let him handle it. Its getting cold so I put an old white spread from the hospital on bed. Then I see today that someone made the bed and had that spread in chair. They, I dont know if it was him, my sister or both but someone took a beautiful heavy velour spread my son sent from Korea , put it on the floor and it smelled like the put it in the cat litter box, Its so sad that there is such spite and sabatoge.

I fight not to spite back and I cant see myself washing throwing away anyting that is for my mothers benefit. He bought a thin comforter which is already falling apart as my mother takes anything and everything apart. All of this first time. Its getting cold. Do I dare to put that velour spread on bed, I am pissed to have to second guess my self in what I use and buy for my mother care or benifit.

So now, is he going to be changing her bed, taking care of the linens. Because I dont like having my things thrown away. I have asked him to replace the foam mattress.

The mice are still around and today on way to work I see he placed glue traps around for the first time in all these years. So he is finally or someone has finally started to care about my mothers environment. The traps will not work becase she picks up and manipulates everything.

So APS and the Guardian Care Manager will be visiting this week. I also have apt for lung scan.

I signed up for a virtual therapy to see what a professional therapist has to say about my situation.

Basically I think I am settling into this role and its not for the weak. This caregiving role is a challenge and a heavy load.

My so is in California now, at first I was scare for him coming from Korea becasue of danger of the gangs and the high social interaction in a beautiful warm place with beautiful beaches. But, now I have been reminded of one of the biggest dangers there and that is the earthquakes.

He and his family have been embraced by my family there and he sent pictures of obituraries my cousing had of just about everyone and wanted family history, it wass an honor to explain who everyone is and I look forward to getting to visit him next year sometime. They move into a rental house next week and have to wait a good while for their furniture from Korea and storage, so they will be busy settleing in around Thanksgiving. I dont know what the situation with me will be because of pending repairs and preparation for homecare for my mother.

Now my nephew stepping up is wonderful, even if he is tossing things I bought. The juvenile mentality is painful and hurtful anyway I look at it. I can almost feel my name in their bran when they toss something they know is mine or means something to me.

Anyway I know I am in a better spirit and more at ease and I am grateful for that. I think I will always tear up easy any time I see love and especially when I look at my mother and think one day she will be gone, even thinking of the sabatoge and ugly from her it just breaks my heart. I massage her and try to make her feel good because I know she is used to being a busy bee, and active and has no companionship and is lonely even if she has the dementia.

Well here is the end of my book.

Goodnight all, sleep tight!

I dont think I mention this is the second time he has tossed sweet potatoes I bought to bake for my mother which I usually do on wednesdays when I get off.


Now this am when I got in, all the foam from comforter MDN bought was on bed and the coverlet was on kitchen table. She has started working on the glue traps.;

I know sometimes reacting to throwing out my thing is feeding into the purpose.

Its just hard for me to swallow and accept the spirit I see behind it all. I so much want vengeance and exposure of these things. Its turning cold and today I could have worn a nice down metalic short jacket I bought that they threw out. I may have worn it once. The pockets were too shallow so I left it on hook in the hall and it diasappeared the same as my pea coat which I wore a lot. These things come to mind along with other violations which usually happen when something they plan or do is blocked.

Now on another subject, I was walking so good, able to do my sprint walk hardlyt any hip pain. I guess I got to cute for my body because now I cant put too much pressure on my left knee. These breakdowns just move around its so crazy. I guess there is some issure with my joints. They gave me an appointemetn on a day I work so I need to change it. If I keep it it will possibly be a day of no sleep before work.

Anyways, I am wishing and hoping that you are all in good spirit and health.

Rays of Love and Healing to us all.

Good morning,

First of all, DDDuck, I am new here and so don't know everything you have gone through. But it sure seems like a lot and you keep finding ways to slog through the turmoil. On top of that, you always end your post with warm words of support for us all. I think that is a testament to your kind, caring heart.

As for me, I am struggling with resentment and anger toward a mother who ignored me and my needs for most of my life and yet now needs my involvement to run hers. She is in her 90s and lives on her own with the assistance of care aides 4x/day. In recent years the aging process seems to have smoothed a lot of her jagged edges, but these relatively calmer years don't make up for a lifetime of anger and judgement from her.

I find myself getting better at separating my "lost child" memories/self out of my reactions and merely trying to help her as if she was a stranger. That in itself is sad - how I wish I had a mother who had actually cherished the children she had.

People that had kind and caring mothers simply don't understand the emotional distance I had to create just to survive as her child, and this remains as my coping mechanism as an adult.

I can relate to the share where the adult child is now the caretaker of a mother whom didn't serve as a healthy mother during the mothering years. I'm experiencing quite a bit of anger towards my 81 yo mother who was explicit about not having time for me during my childhood, adulthood, or during my children's childhood. The dysfunction of my family was layer with addictions and disability. After 30 years, I finally accepted that my mother was not emotionally available and moved on with my life. After the death of my father and my mother's aging, she realized that she needed help and of course she reached out to me. And as the good daughter, I assisted in my father's burial and all the preparations. Now that my mother's memory is starting to slip and her finances weren't solid, I agreed to be of service again and assist in getting her home ready for sale and stabilizing her with medication, meal prep, and doctor's appointments to prepare her for the next transition into an Assisted Living environment. After bringing my mother into my home so that she wouldn't be left alone in the evenings, we are at the 10 week mark and now that we are ready for the next transition and it seems that my mother is asking for more and more and more. And I've hit my capacity since working full-time and caring for two teenagers. My anger is starting to brew and I've had to have a direct conversation with my mother that I cannot continue caring for her in my home. I don't have the space and her needs have surpassed my emotional and physical ability. Unfortunately, my mother is basically a stranger to me and my family and I will continue to fulfill my responsibilities and then I must step back and take solace that I did the best that I could and I've taken action to make sure she is financially secure and I can check-in on her and allow the professionals to take over her day-to-day care (the final step). My conscious is clear that I've done all that I can do and I've turned over the responsibility for her life so that I can live and support my life and the needs of my family. I am grateful that I am able to make better and healthier choices for my family.

Welcome to the new people. We understand!!!!

I don't have much to give but I need to vent.

Aging care for me right now means the aging one is doing the caring.

My 15 year old grandson is in the kitchen making pot stickers for his breakfast with my new non stick frying pan, using words like annotate, and picking up things I need and leaving them in places where I can't find them. My favourite old lemon shaped and coloured kitchen timer has vanished. My dd is sleeping peacefully upstairs in her old room. There are pop cans all over the house, I came down this morning to lights blazing all over the place. It is now "Chez Nous", not "Chez Mois" anymore for an indefinite period of time. DD's home situation has deteriorated again and after she just about lost it a few times (she has fragile emotional health anyway but is well medicated), I reopened my doors. It's what a mother has to do if possible, and it is possible.

This morning I received yet another missive from the tax people that something to do with mother's taxes is not compete so I am following up on that. Just when I and grandson need it, the ink cartridge in the printer has given up the ghost. He is doing schooling at home by distance. The cats are going nuts inside as it had turned colder. One is sitting on the sofa watching water drip from a plant I carelessly overwatered. The front hall area rug is bunched up in the corner as they like to roll and wrestle in it. Good entertainment for cats!

My new close-at-hand doctor (the previous one left town) is new indeed. I think he is fresh out of school and a better talker than listener. I guess I will go back to my old doctor downtown - more inconvenient but a better experience.

And don't even ask about R...

You know, I thought I was retired. I never could have pictured that at 83 I would be where I am, but - here I am and surviving. Thankfully the summer was very quiet. I needed that.

On the good side had blood work done and one number is a little iffy but all else is good Doing follow up on that. My blood pressure is holding steady at 130ish over 75 . I haven't had any fibro pain for over a year My sinuses are better than in a long time. My energy levels are improving and I have less brain fog than before. It goes to show how much stress there was in my life from mother and my sis.

Needing to be thankful every morning or the negative thoughts creep in. Having family stay again is a bit of an adjustment. I'll put dd to work doing my floors. I know she will help with that and other things, and I will get used to the misplaced items and the pop cans. Dgs has matured some, as is only right for a 15 year old boy, and, as he proudly announced to me, is more independent. He also listens well when I ask him to do or not do... and tries to comply. You can't ask for more.

Anyway, what's another spin in life's dryer? It keeps you fresh! Have a safe and good day all. ❤

Golden,

Never a dull moment at your house! Right?

You’re right about cycles in life! Hopefully things will settle down soon.

Your grandson sounds creative! Hahaha

I don’t have grandchildren. I love hearing stories about other people’s grandchildren.

Ahhh, Golden,a houseful again. It would be very hard for me if one of my kiddos needed to move in with me. Maybe time to go on holiday?

TD welcome! I forget the book I read that states there are no coincidences. I think those of us who need the awesome experience and support of the forum just end up here.

You are not alone. It was a relief in a way for me to see that.

The resentment and anger is something that we cant erase. As you mentioned I am not familiar with your trials but I can imagine if they are anywhere near like mine that there is a deep rooted, frustrated sense of pain and for me to see vengence or acknowledgement of the wrong.

This forum is so full of awesome beautiful loving people who inspire and counsel in ways that are unique to one who has been through much worse in so many ways and who have survived.

So Yes I m slogging through and its just crazy, although I find my self in a different level of understanding so somet thing dont hurt as much but there is so much crazy memories and truths that are nice about my mother or my sister and to see this bs legacy grow in my nephew is like a horror show. How do I stop it.

My mother"s dementia is evolving where it seems she is coming to terms of her dementia and limitations for want of better words.

So friday as I was sweeping up the torn up bread and crumbs and mess she had made she took the broom from me and started sweeping, Now I have attempted to get her to sweep years ago to preoccupy her mind and to stop being busy and crazy while I was trying to cook and clean. This was so amazing. she did an awesome job..

So I see where I get my need to fix things and make it right.

Then Saturday as I am getting dressed get out and run chores, I hear water running and there is no access on my floor but the toilet. I was like oh my goodness is she peeing in hall. I go out and she she is trying to unclogg toilet which she clogged up a few weeks ago. Nephew or sister took the plunger out this bathroom and the one downstairs being spiteful. I could not find plunger that grab the right amount of suction, I pull paper and plastic from there regularly and usually the plunger worked just fine for the rest but its clogged bad. df

There is no light and to be honest I had been putting off putting lock on door. I had old telehone cord tied to knob and screw where I tried to put hook lock. It worked until staturday.

So I am freh and clean and ready to go out and she has squeezed into there when I get to door she had a bottle of barbeque sauce from fridge downstairs poured it in toilet and flushed it. I lost it and grabbed her arm shaking her fussing snatching the bottle out of her hands and trying to pull her out of there, only she had squeeed though a tight spot becuase I had the door tied. I had to untie it and I broke down crying because I was ruff with her. In my mind I knew she was only trying to unclog the toilet. I had been pouring draino and had ordered the plungeless draino that was to work good.. I had been meaning to bring the snake up but kept forgeting had I done that I probably would have cleared it. Acutally I went down there and got it so now its in hallway slowly making its way up to my floor.

Mean while my mother would not come downstairs and went in back room. I couldnt get her to come down. I was crying and feeling guilty and I just had to get out of there. I didnt have the energy to get her down. When I came back she was still up there. This was my last day off. I wanted to relax and cock my tail play my casino, do my scratch offs and then have a quite night of tv till I fell asleep and that was not looking good if she was in turbo mode on my floor.

Anyways she came down for ther steak sandwich with onion peppers and garlic and toasted bread.. she sat down and started working on it. I packed my bags for work and all was well.

But in all of this I found a cheese gratter in the stuff she had tied up. It bought memories of how she used to hide the graiter knowing I used it every sunday to make mac and cheese that she ate. Its was like now with my DS and DN.

I guess Ive gotten into book mode.

I will try and close it down. Basically memories of sabatoge came back. thinking of reaping what we sow and how I honestly felt that she was reaping what she sowed in her two daughters.

I used to go deep on this tangent. Its sad and painful. Not nautral. Where is goodness, how do I keep my sanity all these questions used to mess me up and then I found this forum.

So I dont have it figured out, I am not full of wisdom or good advice, I am struggling with my pain, my aging, my lonliness...... and all I can think is that there are so many on this thread who feel like I do or worse. So I cant make it better for me or you but I do know that a smile and hope puts light in my life and gives me something to try to live for.

So I try to keep up with the posts but I love to read posts of survivors still surviving. Its uplifting and inspiring.

So Golden, it was beautiful to read your post, your vent, change in family situation as you embrace your daughter in her issue knowing that you will adjust and knowing deep down inside what was most important was the love. and I thing that was so beautiful and just knowing that who ever has you in there lives is blessed. Making me think how rare it is to find that type of embrace. Wishing, know I can't change my history and dysfunction in myself and my family and knowing I will always be there for my son in a similar way for as long as I am able.

Nutshell - Its good to see and hear about love.

Goodnight!

Rays of love and light to us all.

ali - I am glad you have relative peace or at least a truce with your family. It's not easy to achieve in an dysfun fam.


glad - dd was heading for the psychiatric ward in the hospital. She has inherited some of the mental illness genes in the family. It was too hard on her. Neither of us could see any other alternatives. Her goal is to get a job and get out on her own with, at least, her son. She is blossoming now. We already did this last year for 5 months, if you remember. Both dd and dgs are in better shape now. So am I. They do help with chores. I tend to go to bed early and get up early and have "my" time. She goes to bed late and sleeps in. I often take a nap or quiet time in the afternoon. Dgs gets himself up in the am for online school (equipment is in his bedroom). He comes down off and on for a visit or food. He and his mum watch something on Netflicks after I go to bed. All of us are introverts so we hide if we need to and everyone understands. The first week was the hardest as they came sooner than I expected. I had wanted to sort out the kitchen before they came, but dd and I will do that together. We are still socially distancing in the house. She wears a mask when she is close to anyone out of this house. In another week we should be OK and can share hugs. It is working. A holiday would be great but is not workable at present. Worst comes to worst I guess I can go to a hotel here for a few days but then there is Covid to think of.

duck - you are making progress. I know it isn't easy. Keep up the boundaries in your very toxic situation. Your mum is declining and will need more and more help. Big (((((((hugs))))).

and ((((((hugs))))) to all the newbies. Look after yourself.

My lemon timer has still not shown up!!! ☹

Good news is we just got a land contract to sell my parents old house for A fair price. Woo hoo more money for outside help, which means 3 plus years after covid if needed. Dad is open to outsiders caregivers Opinion aka the 3 sisters, . He sounds so relaxed and happy.

bad news is bedridden mom is having major mental issues with textures bedding, clothes, diapers, blankets. Swallowing is getting harder.

oh well day by day is the motto.
personally I’m ok and little worried it’s so peaceful at the new cabin in the woods, which with my silly sense of humor I have named “nudist camp” ( because no bedding, pads, clothing, diapers are allowed) 🤣🙃 only the occasional blanket.

Ohlas well done. Sounds like things are pretty good. though sorry your mother is declining.

Oh, joy! The sewer etc. is fixed and my furnace humidifier too. Dd offered to finish the clean up down there, I am very grateful. Duct and furnace cleaning is booked for later in October, and in a couple of weeks the chimney sweep will be back in town. Feels good to be getting get stuff done. Got a response re redoing mother's disability tax credit which is a relief. Just need to send my part to the last NH mother was in, Dgd came over for a visit while sil was working downstairs yesterday. They wore masks to keep me safe. Nice!

With the extra people in the house I am needing to seclude myself in my bedroom more and that's OK.

Take care all, Keep your boundaries. 😊

Hi everyone,

DH and I just pampered ourselves with a week's staycation. (Which baffled most of our friends and neighbours - the retired couple are having a staycation during a pandemic? Really? What is wrong with them? They don't do anything anyway! LOL)

The reality is that I felt the need to isolate myself from the world in general and just take care of me, Me, ME. It was wonderful. I made a conscious effort to only think thoughts involving me and my immediate family, excluding my mother. I turned off the news. I didn't check email. I just...cocooned. With books, movies, naps, and lots of good food.

I keep having a recurring thought memo, as if sent from above: Move from "survive" to "thrive". Move from "survive" to "thrive". I know this is tied in with my decision to set firmer boundaries for myself and what I can do for others. So very hard to say NO and not feel guilty. As someone else said in a post here, "No" actually *is* a complete sentence. That resonated strongly with me.

I have to see my mother today but I am starting off feeling good about my boundaries and the mental distance I have created between her life and mine.

Very grateful for all of you and your shared thoughts and emotions.

Wishing everyone a calm, healing week.

Happy Monday to everyone!

i hope you are all healthy. I will read back to see what’s going on with all of you.


it has taken almost 3 months to get my SSI straightened out. They did back pay which means I won’t get another check until November.

I am doing some mild exercises to help strengthen my legs, especially my right leg. I have weakened muscles on the right side due to pinched nerves with sciatica. I’m not having as much pain l as I did when still working. It will flare up if I do a lot of bending over or leaning over something cleaning for a prolonged time.

My 18 almost 19 year old kitty, Tiger, was diagnosed with leukemia, cancer, not the feline leukemia virus. I’m making arrangements today to take him to be euthanized. It’s very hard but I don’t want to hold on to him and cause any unnecessary discomfort for me feelings.

Have a great week, enjoy the fall season. I am loving the cooler weather we are having.

Sharyn,

Sorry about your kitty. I did that years ago with my sweet cat. It’s hard to make that trip to the vet but I couldn’t stand the thought of watching her suffer.

My cat was 16. She was a part of the family. You will miss your cat. Take comfort that you are preventing prolonged suffering.