The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Need help, you are correct. I want to remember him as he is now, not sicker, thinner or suffering.

Thanks for asking. Our son has moved back in with us from Alexandria because he found someone to take his lease 4 months before it expires. He can work from home and right now, no one is in the office.

After the end of this month, we will look for a new place that is better and only needs one extra person to rent the extra bedroom. We are waiting until then because that's when he gets a raise.

Where his is right now has taken 4 people renting the 3 rooms nd the basement to make it affordable. I agree with him that at 28, he's lived long enough like a college student and a grad student to save money. Now, he can use the money he saved toward the down payment on an apartment to buy.

My wife and I are doing well on our diet. I'm exercising three times a week, but she is not exercising at all.

My blood sugar is very much under control. I have another A1C coming up in November! The doctor has already lowered my meds. I hope she will lower them again. I've 30 lbs to loose to get down to an ideal weight for me. I believe my weight loss doctor believes that if I tried to loose more weight to get down to where the charts say that I should be, that I would have to loose muscle weight along with fat weight. That is not a good idea.

So sorry for you Sharyn. That trip to the vet is a hard one. Take care!

Sharyn,
Good for you, being strong for your kitty
Sorry for your impending loss of your beloved pet. 🧸️

Thanks Gershun and Send. It is hard, I don’t want him to suffer. He is a big part of the family.

Ahh, Sharyn, I am so sorry about your kitty.

tddub - moving from surviving to thriving is a great motto, Being able to say "No" is so important.

sharyn ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I have thought of tiger off and on especially since I got my 2 orange kitties. It's so hard to lose a family pet. Glad the exercises are helping

yoda - sounds like you and family are doing well. Happy to hear your blood sugar is under control.

Here the leaves are falling, having given us about a week or so of some colour. But there is some nice sunshine during the day, I've started doing my inside walking and a little exercise - taking it slowly. Dgs had decided to go back to school, so I need to social distance from him in the house which is not a problem. I may ask him to wear a mask when he comes downstairs.

Take care all (((((((hugs)))))))

Happy Thanksgiving to all Canadians here. It's a day of mixed blessings for me as it always comes near Gordie's birthday. I am thankful for him, and many other things, but I still miss him.

Dd has gone vegan so I guess I will stretch to turkey burgers for me. Dgs has his own meal routine.

An "aging care" issue has arisen. Dgs was not keeping up with school work so he has decided to go back to school - a good decision for him, but puts me at greater risk re covid. He is an ADHD flaky kid, very well meaning, but forgetful. He lost his mask first day back at school. Fortunately a friend gave him another. Now he has a batch in his school bag. I went into the kitchen that evening and found that mask, face down on my cutting board . (We have separate boards due to my allergies.) Well, this required some discussion of options which included him going back to his dad's place if he can't be more careful here. The upshot is that he will wear a mask downstairs while I am down too and he has been good at that so far other than leaving used masks lying around, but not in the kitchen. Also he is expected to be responsible with mask wearing as needed when out of the house. He wants to stay here and knows an infection could be serious for me at my age. We all tend to physically distance anyway. I have bought a new air purifier for the down stairs and may get a couple more for around the house. I gather aerosol transmission is a fact. Thankfully transmission from touching surfaces is considered less of a risk than originally thought, though we still all ought to hand wash lots. I have also ordered some high powered masks for use if anyone in the house gets ill.

I know I am being excessively careful, but from the start I have decided to do it that way. I just don't want this bug. I have enough trials without it.

Apart from that things are doing pretty well other than increased clutter with two more people in the house. I think I will set a declutter day once a week so it doesn't accumulate too much.

Hope all are well. Let us know who you are doing!
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) 🦃 🎃🦃

Hello everyone,

Yes - echoing Golden23 - Happy Thanksgiving to all of us Canucks!
* * * * *
We had our "feastival" yesterday at my mother's apartment, organized by my son and his GF. It was a real treat to just be told to simply show up and not worry about cooking a thing. It was hard to ignore the misery guts that is my mother/his grandmother so I did my best to simply focus on enjoying visiting with my son and his GF, whom I haven't seen in a few months.

Unfortunately, the effort it took to be around my mother for those hours took its toll on me today. So all is not well at the moment with me as I continue to struggle with my deep resentment at having her in my life. There. I've said it.

The trigger seems to have been reflecting on how my son and I have a close, wonderful, nurturing bond. I feel sorry for myself that I don't and never have had that with my mother.

Trying to take deep breaths and just let the sadness flow through and out of me.

Having just typed all those bitter words, the fact remains that I am very, very grateful for the life that I live that is so different from hers.

Also, Golden23 - good for you for setting your own covid-19 boundaries and protocols and sticking to them. I know many people think DH and I are being excessively careful but we rest easy knowing that we are doing all that we can to keep ourselves *and others* as safe as we can.

Happy belated Thanksgiving to all our Canadian friends!

Golden and TDub, glad to hear you are keeping safe.

I am trying as well. I work with special needs kids and keeping the proper distance is very difficult and does not always work. The other day a kid sneezed I actually felt the spray on my hand and arm from out the bottom of his mask. My husband and sons are pressuring me to quit because they feel the risk is not worth it. I do have another, safer job where I can pick up more hours but I would not have health insurance. I'm eligible for Medicare in Dec. and I want to stick it out til then but I hope I am not being foolish. It's a tough decision.

Mom is not doing well at all. She has deteriorated so much since she broke her upper femur. They operated but I don't know what good it did. Her legs are now permanently bent at the knee. They have to tie them together with foam between the knees to prevent sores and she has to wear those air booties. They do all they can but still she has sores on her heels that will not heal. She sleeps much of the time, barely eats and is unable to converse in any meaningful way. Apparently she is also very anemic so she was being sent to the hospital for blood transfusions. Of course going to the hospital causes her to become even more delusional.

I wish with all my heart that she would be put on Hospice and have the focus be on making her as comfortable as possible. Also the facility allows more compassionate visits for residents on hospice, I know that is something Mom would want but sis has MPOA and she is calling all the shots, I have no say.

Right now I can only book one to two visits a week where I sit over 6ft away with a mask on. Even in her more lucid moments Mom can't really hear me. I know the facility has to do this for safety but it's so frustrating. This all feels like some cruel nightmare.

Hi Trying, that's a lot of tough things going on for you. I hate it that so many tough decisions for Americans comes down to whether we will have health care or not. I qualified for Medicaid a few years back through a program in my county and I need to revisit the guidelines and see if I'm still eligible. I was unemployed before, now I'm working. To be honest, I'm scared to check and report the changes in my status because then what? I have some lingering chronic health problems since mold/caregiving, they don't seem to be serious (or anything that modern medicine can help me with) but how do I know that for sure? I'd really like to keep health coverage.

For whatever reason, I haven't been asked to "re-de" for my Medicaid coverage. I'll report accurately, of course, but I'm not in a hurry to do it.

I'm sorry about your mom. Who is it that has decided that hospice isn't appropriate yet? Can you try to push for that? I know the thinking is that it's only for very end-of-life care, but Medicare allows for unlimited hospice care as long as the doctors say it's warranted.

(I see it now in your post, "sis has MPOA." That's too bad that sis won't agree to hospice care.)

Hope everything smooths out for you and your mom. It's so tough to watch your loved one decline and feel you can't do anything about it, I really sympathize. (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for your kind words Ali.

Yeah, Sis never had Dad put on Hospice either It was so sad that in his last weeks, his comfort was not a priority. Hospice would mean Sis could not keep demanding interventions that MIGHT prolong life, quality of that life does not factor into her thinking. We have profoundly different views. She thinks she is a saving angel, I think what is happening is ghoulish and without compassion.

Fingers crossed you are able to keep your health insurance for as long as you can. My husband and I went for three years w/o health insurance, when we finally got it through the ACA I went for a physical and the doctor found my blood pressure to be dangerously high. The insurance I get now, through the school, is very good but I have to pay 30% which comes to a lot especially on a Paras salary.

Greetings everyone, I hope you are all in good health and spirit. Its been a while so I am not well caught up.

Thank God, I am still in a good place in my spirit and a tad better in health. I had my hip injection last Thursday at least now I can turn in bed without pain. Its so weird noting the way I have adjusted my movements to prevent pain. The doctor put me on pain med melaxicam or mobid. I was on this before and I had to stop taking because my kidney function decreased and I ended up with a cyst in my liver. Anyways I couldnt remeber if it was good for me. doc said it was a mild pain killer and easy on the kidneys. I looked it up and found it had negative interaction with my blood pressure meds and with alcohol as well as organ affects and heart attack and stroke. Dang!!! Its hard to believe it was prescribed with out consideration of my meds. So I am really glad I only took one.

The situation with my mother is the same. Its sad. She seem to be a bit more lucid. Asking appropriate questions. We laugh and interact a lot. Sometimes I get sad looking at her. Seeing all the history, the sabatoge. Especially with the need for an outside agency. No real progress has been made;. I spoke to court evaluator. Had questions about this pool trust and other things.

So I had a little meltdown day before my procedure. APS and Guardian came by I was not aware they were comming which pissed me off because so times I stop off downtown when I get off in morning of day I am off for a few days. Then they disscussed the pool trust and other things and I got depressed.

Anyways, all is well, I am till in a good place.

I hope its good with you all also.

Be safe and Smile!

tdub - I totally hear you regarding not wanting to have your mother in your life a lifetime wish for me finally granted less than 2 years ago. It's wonderful you have a close bond with your son. People like your mother and mine and that of many others here just can't do it. They are not wired that way. Re covid safety -yes I am probably stricter than many but it is what I feel I must do. More on that later. High five!!!

trying ((((((hugs)))))). Wish your sis could see what was sensible re your mother. Hospice sounds right for her. I understand your hub and son's concern about your job. Tough decision. The visits with mom must be hard. Things can be very difficult as we get near the end of life.

ali - good to hear from you and that you are working again. Hope you get your medical insurance worked out. It's important to have coverage.

Hi duck. I'm glad you are in a good space in your spirit and a little better in your health. Your are making progress getting others involved with your mother's care.

Re covid safety, I have made the difficult decision to tell my dd that I have done all I can and I can't have them here any more. I don't feel safe in my own house. She has a different concept of what it takes to be safe and it is less restrictive than me. We have figured out guidelines that work for both of us but they are not being adhered to. I am sorry that it isn't working as the kids are in a much better space than they were since there is less conflict between their parents, but I can't carry that load. It is not my problem. I ask for prayers from any who pray that I convey this to dd without strife between us, and that she find her way through her problems and get the help she needs.

I have a bug with sniffles, sore throat, tossed my supper 10 days ago. I don't think it is covid or if so it is a very mild case. The sore throat is improving with gargling. But it says to me that we are not practicing good enough hygiene/covid safety here as likely either dd or dgd brought it in These are difficult times. I wish it could have worked with dd but it isn't.

Take care all, Stay safe! (((((((hugs))))))

Golden, I can completely understand your situation with COVID-19 and having family members living with you who have a different perspective. You have to do what is best for you. This is also why I retired because my deli manager does not support mask wearing outside of work. she is very social.

Duck, I’m hoping your situation will get better regarding your mother. It is certainly difficult for you and you keep doing what’s best for your mother.

we have our grandsons 3 days a week after school. We are always in contact with our daughter. It is hard here because many people refuse to wear a mask and since school started, we have a big spike in cases ranging from 800-1,000 a day. One school in our small town closed because 3 teachers are out with COVID-19 and another has been exposed and in quarantine. We have a teacher shortage here in Idaho because of low pay, so there are very few substitutes.

I adopted 2 kittens 3 weeks ago. They are so much fun. We laugh just watching them. They are brothers, black and white. One has a pink nose (a tuxedo color and the other has a black nose). I named them Hokus and Pokus. The dogs enjoy watching them play, wrestle and chase each other.

I have decided that I will not call my sister until close to Christmas. My reason is because she makes no effort to contact me. We talked about this, I have apologized for the miscommunication when I told her I could not be a caregiver for her. She clearly holds grudges. I told my husband I’m tired of being treated like a no good person by my family. They make no effort to keep in touch with me. I just don’t understand. I’m tired of putting out the effort. If anyone has a better perspective on the situation, please share it.

I hope everyone is well and enjoying autumn. Enjoy each day as best you can with the situation you are living.

Sharyn, glad you are holding the boundaries and refusing to be made into the "bad guy".

Duck, keep on keeping on and figure out how to get your own place, even if it means roommates.

Ultimately, being able to visit you mom as her daughter is the solution to this dysfunction


((((Hugs))))))

Good to see you Sharyn. Kitties? How fun!

Golden and Sharyn, different perspectives on masks and socializing, for sure! I am in a rogue county, state wide governor order for masks. Initially, probably 30% wore them, now maybe up to 60%. At work, people coming in probably 70%. It will be a crazy place on Tuesday, election day.

I am not too terribly concerned about me. I live alone and my only socialization is coffee on Saturday. Get in and out of grocery store quickly. It is a mission to accomplish, then back home.

Hi all. Covid hit our school and spread from 1 - 4 positive tests in just a few days. There are lots more tests pending so the number will likely jump a lot higher. Thank God they finally decided we are going to teach remotely. I will work as long as we are remote but I have decided not to go back in person unless they have a proper vaccine or reliable treatment.

Sharyn - I think your perspective makes sense, if family does not want to reach out, so be it. Stay safe and enjoy those Kitties!!

Glad- Happy to hear you are keeping safe!

Duck - I agree with Glad, I think you would be so much happier in your own place, if you can do it. Good to hear you are having some nice moments with your Mom. I hear you on feeling sad when you watch her. The same happens to me with my Mom.

Golden - You are so right, as much as we want to we can't carry the load for our adult kids. I can imagine how hard that decision was but it was the right one to keep you safe. Hope your cold clears up soon.

Mom finally went on hospice today. Apparently she is pretty close to the end. This afternoon she was vomiting. They have her arms, legs and feet wrapped because her skin tears at the slightest thing. She is hardly eating. When she has strength all she does is cry out for help over and over. The rest of the time she sleeps. For however long she has left, I hope the focus will now be on her comfort. God knows she has suffered enough.

Tryingmybest, stay safe! How are the students coping with this? I’ve heard of so many students falling behind.

It’s hard working remotely and on campus these days. Students and teachers are feeling the stress of it all.

sharyn - thx for the understanding. More on that situation below. I totally understand about your work. Once you feel unsafe something has to change. Refusing to wear a mask is very selfish IMO. The grands must keep you busy. Bad news about the schools. Here we are doing OK so far. No outbreaks but that could change by next week. Love your news about your kitties. Great names. Mine are settling down now - well past the kitty stage but still fun. Good decision re your sister, Hold your boundaries. You are doing the right thing!!!

barb - the mother daughter thing is something my dd and I are working out but in the other direction - she has t stop seeing me as her only soft place to fall and I have to hold back from offering too much help of any sort. Then we canbe mother and daughter again. We are working that out,

glad - living alone is the easiest. I am that again and it is great. Our federal public health person has just called on Canadians to reduce their social contacts by 25% because cases are rising. I don't think dd reads those reports. There are guidelines for going out for Halloween but "he'll ( grandson) be fine" , doing it her way which is less restrictive, Handwashing is non existent other than as done before covi and so on. As I understand it these are not safe practices. Anyway, not my problem any more.thankfully. I get my groceries delivered.

trying (((((((hugs))))))) remote teaching is better and I am glad you have drawn a line for yourself there.
Talked with my dd today and she sounds good. She is looking at her other options if needed. I think it not only was the right decision for my safety but also for her to take charge of herself and her problems. It is sad but better that your mum went on hospice, Yes she has suffered enough. More ((((hugs))))). This is a difficult time for you all. Let us know how things go.

nhwm - working remotely is hard, My dgs was falling behind so he went back to school. Thankfully dgd is doing well in school and is on the likely to graduate list. I hope their schools don't get an outbreak and have to close.

Here we have a bunch of snow but are supposed to have above normal temps next week which would melt it. That would be nice.

Had a long talk with dd this afternoon They will come and get the rest of their stuff soon.. She is much better than when she came here in September and is looking after herself better so I feel the time here accomplished some thing good for her. though it was hard on me and had to end. I suggested that if she felt she needed a separation from her hub that he leave next time. It would be less of an upheaval for everyone. He has at least one bro and one sis in town and two adult children. Some one other than and younger than me can take the extra load. Oldest son who is not judgmental has been a great listening ear, supporter and advisor through this. I am grateful. It is time for a switch for dd and I that I am not her soft place to fall, but we are just mother and daughter. We had some great laughs and fun together, she did some healing, but also too many other times that didn't work for me. If she gets as bad again as she was in September I will advise her to check into the hospital. I think we have made progress in our relationship.

And so ends another famdram. I am happy to have my peaceful house and life again.

Wishing you all a safe and enjoyable weekend. ((((((((hugs))))))

Golden, daughters can be very hard. It will always be hard with my oldest I really don't like her very much sometimes. I am proud of her and her accomplishments, but she reminds people of them often.

Trying hope your mom stays comfortable. Thinking of you and yours. Take care of you. Making the decision to stay home will be good for you.

Tomorrow night I will be the dark house, party pooper. I don't want all those children at my door. OMG, last year was unbelievable. I probably had more tricksters that night than the last 20 years together. It was non-stop for a couple of hours. Kids from town come up here, more generous candy, I guess, homes closer together than in many areas.

Nice surprise this morning,. Sitting with a nice latte, favorite coffee spot. When I arrived owner tells me he has a present for me, bday this next week. A $50.00 gift card from xXxX. I asked xXxX who? Had no clue. You would never guess...... TS2! Tears still in my eyes. Haven't talked to her in almost three years!

NHWM - The remote teaching is going pretty well. The kids in our program are in the lower cognitive range so they have individualized programs. I am a para, sort of like a teachers aide. The teacher creates the lesson plans and the paras teach those lessons and support the kids as needed. We are a middle school, age level, program but our students range from first grade to MAYBE 4th grade in their academic abilities. When we went remote last Spring we were worried our kids would regress, they did a little but not anything significant. They love working online and since we meet in groups they still are interacting socially. I think it's the parents who are being hit the hardest. I can't imaging how they are coping with working and having kids at home.

Glad and Golden - Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. Golden you are setting such a healthy example of keeping boundaries with love. Your family is fortunate for the wisdom you model. Glad. Happy to hear you are forgoing the trick or treat scene this year. Hoards of kids descending on the neighborhood cannot be safe right now (bless their little hearts :)

Trying,

So happy that they didn’t fall far behind. Children are so smart now. They are exposed to so much now. They seem fearless at times, not intimidated by much.

Glad,

What a nice surprise for your upcoming birthday! HB in advance!

Well, the doorbell rang about 5:00, my neighbor kid s that often help with my weeding. They are so cute, a boy about 8 and twin girls about 5. Then the bell rang a second time about 6, didn't answer that one. Then once more about 8, and it is dark outside, porch light off. Did they just not get it? Then they ring a second time. No I didn't answer that either. Very quiet this year after the non-stop parade of last year.

Called ts2 to thank her. Chatted about 30 minutes. Was ok except she has retired, four years younger than me. GRRR, had I not had to fight that caring for mom nonsense after being accused of financial exploitation I could be retired too.

This is full retirement year for me with SS. First check in January. If I wait six more years, payment would increase 800 a month. Take it now, I really do not need it, stash it away, invest, and make up some lost ground hopefully.

Had a lovely Halloween here (Lower Mainland BC) last night - albeit with very few "customers".

We set up a treats table with individual treat bags and stayed well back, like two candy guards. In actual fact we were thoroughly enjoying the calm, clear evening with that gorgeous full moon, hot bevvies in hand. We had two kids approach with long-handled fish nets, which I thought was genius - they were using them for houses where the owners were handing out the treats. (We weren't - we were seated 8 feet away and the kids all did their own thing in an orderly, distanced fashion.) Funny thing: 10 see-thru treat bags laid out at a time on the table, and each one had to be eyeballed before the choice was made. Even though they were identical. And even though I kept chirping, "They're all the same!". Every single kid handled the task in the same way! Made me laugh. But obviously the kids had listened well to their parents: Not one, not even the littlest ones, touched anything other than the bag they were taking.

It felt good to be doing something kinda normal in this very un-normal year. I miss the routines of everyday life and social interaction, which is weird because I am very much someone who likes to be on her own. But even just the fact that we can't stand close to someone to have a chat, or greet a friend with a hug - those little things have been the hardest.

Thank you for sharing Tdub. Your post put a grin on my face. Very clever kids re the bit with the fishing nets!

New development for me today with regard to my mother's continued refusal to move to A/L: I believe her doctor is now stepping in and pushing (as much as possible) for that to happen quickly.

Apparently today mother told her doctor that she (mother) needed the doctor to speak to me as she (mother) was having trouble following the conversation. Currently mother is seen as competent to make her own decisions so has the right to choose where to live. However, recent medical test results show she is physically declining quickly and there is a huge safety component.

As I understand it, mother has now given her full permission for her doctor to phone me tomorrow to discuss things with me. This should be an interesting, productive conversation. We share the same doctor and think very highly of her. I think it helps that she (doctor!) knows both of us so has a clear handle on the family dynamic.

It is also very significant to me that mother is now ready to give up a small bit of control -- allowing me to speak openly with the doctor is very, very significant. Previously my input has not been welcome. LOL/not LOL

I don't know exactly what I want to come out of the conversation with the doctor tomorrow - possibly just an acknowledgement that the accumulation of bad decisions mother has made recently are an indication that she is not, in fact, totally mentally competent. That would be a huge step towards reality.

I know I'm blathering on. It helps to just have a place to vent without being patted on the head.