The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi everyone. I appreciate the feedback, I cant lie, financially I am not able to make move but if I was able I dont think I could do it.. I am stuck. I also feel that if twisted and N knew I moved out they would change the locks.

The sabatoge is back. Sunday as I sat trash out I hear glass in bag. Its dark out and I use key flashlight and find one of my glass soup bowls and a full bottle of tea rose perfume that my dear auntie Jean gave my mother years ago. She says it was expensive and my mother had some lucidity at the time. Also found cups that my sister had been leaving and not throwing out. The only reason I didnt respond is because I spoke to my aunt and she reminded me that that is the purpose behind these actions is to bait me and upset me. So I prayed on it.

Also the toilet on my mother floor is backed up again.! I got intouch with a handyman know for fabulous lawn work but who does everything. I had the number for a while but had been holding off until I finished with my medical apts. The last one being in the morning, mamogram and breast sonogram. The sonogram is horifically painful for me. Ive been putting it off since the virus, hit us in April.

Anyways as I tried draino, I have been clearing the surface of the sanding water and again my mother comes in and flushes the toilet while it was full. It made me cry, I was in shower.

She needs someone with her all the time. I realized I couldnt do it and hopefully this guy knows his stuff and becomes the handyman. I will also show him toilet upstairs, I am considering putting in a shower on that floor. Its on my floor there was a tub. Now its no lights or running water only toilet which isnt working and I walk two flights down to use or empty my potty.

It kind of humiliating to share these issues but its cathartic.

Much of the feedback is so very true. I have grown a lot but I have a ways to go.
I dont do Halloween its my fathers anniversary. 40 years ago. It didnt hit so hard this year. But I feel it in waves through out the year. The memory makes me think of that posibility with my mother. Makes me hug and kiss her. Things I couldnt do before her dementia. Now its rather nice and I am thankful.

I had a funk last thursday, My hip was aching some kind of bad. I could not bring my self to go downstairs at all. The guilt kept coming but thinking of what faced me won out. I just didnt have it in me. I was releived to see that someone did feed her breakfast and took note I was not there as usual. Maybe thats why the perfume and bowl were thrown out.

I have not touch the bed linens since my nephew threw away the foam matress and linens. Maybe 4 weeks now. I have a quilt I have safely left on bed and I wash it weekly. Otherwise I no touchy!!!!

Wishing all the best for you all.

Rays of love, light and healing to everyone!

TDub,

I think it’s great that you will be able to speak to your mom’s doctor.

Is it awkward having the same doctor?

Duck,

Please don’t be embarrassed. Everyone has had a backed up toilet occasionally. My mom used so much toilet paper that the toilet in her bathroom would clog up at times.

Hope everything goes well for you.

NHWM, I think it is sometimes awkward for our doctor to have the same patients. She has to draw a clear line with patient confidentiality, so it should be a much easier talk today now that my mother has erased that boundary - at least for this conversation.

Had a very long and lovely chat with my extremely supportive son. I needed to talk things over with someone and both my husband and my sister were unavailable -!?-. I have to try very hard not to be annoyed about the latter part of that statement and just focus on the complete blessing that is my relationship with my son.

just lost long post so trying again

trying - keep us updated on your mum

glad - that was such a nice surprise from ts2. Wish you hadn't had that trouble with her while caregiving My Halloween was very quiet too

tdub - your halloween sounds great. Nice it was warm enough. That's great news about your mum giving up some control.It will make it easier for everyone. The news that she is not safe to live alone is best coming from a professional. Let us know how this new situation goes. So glad you have a supportive son. I have two and they are great!

duck -we understand. I'm glad it was cathartic for you to share. People share all kinds of things here. Sorry your hips is hurting again and that the sabotage continues. They are sooo nasty. Keep looking after yourself and enjoying what you can of your mum.

Here we had a day of above freezing and I expect the cold to settle in now. The kitties and in and out, in and out, so I am up and down, up and down. Gooh knee/thigh exercise. DD has been to visit and things are doing pretty well there. She is figuring some stuff out. I think sil is too. Hopefully between the two of them they will make it work. I'm taking a few days just to stop vibrating lol and get my head back into my stuff here. My taxes were done and they are a mess for some reason. Dd looked at then and told me to get back to the people who did them to get it sorted out. I am thinking of changing to another firm. Some papers have come through re mother's taxes so I can get those further along. I need to get my flu shot and lab tests and a follow up visit at the drs. And I want to sort all my closets, cupboards, and drawers out. It's a good winter project and opportunity to get rid of more stuff. Not that I am going to rush at it but take my time.

Look after you everyone ((((((((hugs))))))

Hi, I'm new here and saw the title of this thread and I decided to sign up.

I need help and don't know where to start. This has been a long time coming and I should have done something about this situation years ago.

Zoey,

Welcome! Start anywhere you please. Sometimes it’s hard to know where to begin.

First of all, admitting that you need help is the first step.

Reaching out is the next. So you are a couple of steps ahead of the game.

We are all here for the same reason. We are either caregivers or past caregivers and looking for support or offering support.

We ask questions. We share stories. Everyone has their own experiences.

Care to share your experience? Share or simply read the posts. Your choice. Chime in anytime!

TDub,

So nice that you have a son to mull things over with. He sounds very compassionate towards your family situation.

As long as your doctor is able to keep things professional for all of you there shouldn’t be an issue.

My cousin had to switch doctors when her doctor revealed health information with her father in law! They shared the same doctor.

Hi Zoey. I am sure you have a story to tell and that there are other stories here somewhat like it so jump in whenever you feel like it. I think we all can look back and say we should have changed how we were dealing with our dysfunctional family years ago. I know I can. Start anywhere and let it pour out. Only other from dysfun fams can really understand what you have been and are going through. Big ((((((hugs))))).

nhwm - on some thread I saw you asked about the cold here. I don't remember which thread. Snow usually comes to stay by the end of October which means we are in sub freezing mode most of the time until next March or so. We can have a few days above freezing in the cold months. We do get a lot of sunshine which helps. The houses are built to stay warm but the heating bills are high and we dress warmly when we go out. The last year or so I don't go out mush - pick up the post, lab or dr visit, mail something I can't scan and email, run the car to keep the battery charged. The rest of the time I stay in and make the best of that and it works OK.

The snow shovellers and snow plowers are out. The city did my driveway for which I am so thankful. My neighbour hauled my recycle bin back to the house yesterday after collection which was very nice of her. They are about 10 years younger than me. Groceries are being delivered in about 10 minutes, I have to go out for a few things but not much. My car is safely in the garage and the kitties safely indoors. They are antsy about going out in the cold.

Take care all ((((((hugs))))

Zoey - A very warm welcoming hug for you. I am relatively new here as well and can only echo what the others have said: pour your heart out, or share little bits, or just read; drop in every day, drop in sometimes...it's all good. Sometimes I post a real rant, sometimes I just share something that is very much of little consequence at all. My experience in this forum has been one of total support. It just feels sooo good to be in the company of others than truly understand.

So my mother's doctor hasn't yet called me - now I don't know if this was something that was actually supposed to happen, or something that mother got twisted in her mind. Will call the doctor myself on Monday to get straightened out.

Have to see mother today. She has had two days of sunshine so may be in a better mood to help me understand what the exact conversation was with her doctor.

If she starts in with yet another rant about her care aides, I am going to shut the conversation down. (At least that is what I think I will do, sitting here at home on the couch.) Usually I just ignore her while she is spewing. Lately she has started to stand in front of me to make sure I am paying attention.

Her black clouds of indignation and self-righteous entitlement are both shocking and embarrassing. However, her behaviour over my lifetime has not been much different so I am realizing now that this is something very basic in her personality. Such a waste to have spent so much of her life being angry, dismissive, vindictive...the list goes on.

I am not pouring any more energy into trying to placate her. To borrow one of my grandfather's expressions, she can just stew in her own juices.

Dub,

I think I would like your grandfather a lot. He sounds a lot like mine was. I adored my grandpa. I smiled as I thought of him while reading you post about your grandfather.

Oh yes, some moms have a way of expressing extreme ways to get noticed, such as standing in front of you.

Next time your mom stands in front of you, stand up and say, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” Then go, and lock the bathroom door! I have done that before.

TDub, I was just picturing the rant - then you pull out your ear buds... Sorry, were you talking?

My DH used to sit still for a short time while a flat-mate was ranting on & then vaguely just get up & leave the room. Sometimes he would mutter 'Oh!" with a glance at his watch as he disappeared. Or "is that the phone? the door? a strange noise?"

My son is so much more direct: I stopped listening to you because I was bored 😂.

Don't suppose any of those
would work??

Beatty & NHWM: Your suggestions are so funny and yet practical - really made me smile about a frustrating situation. I am tucking them away in the "Try this next time" category!

As it happened, I got to mother's apartment yesterday at the exact same time as her morning care aide. This was a lady that had been on leave and it was her first time back - turns out that this aide is a favourite of mother's. So I was largely ignored while mother's full attention was on the care aide. Result! Certainly worked for me. I was in and out in record time with a minimum of interaction.

At my last job, on the hard days, I would tell myself "I am just here to earn money for myself and my family." It was a way of creating distance and lessen the emotional load. I am trying to put that into practice now with my mother: "I am just here to assist an elderly woman." Some days I can do it.

I truly hope that my son never has to do the same mental gymnastics to endure his relationship to/with me. I struggle with those thoughts but I am reassured by those that know me that my personality is so different than my mother's that it seems unlikely. Still.

This past week has been crazy. Did mamogram and sonogram new smallw mass found. Doc says its most likely benign, I do biopsy this week. Come from the tests on wednesday, Wayne the handyman is awesome. He got toilet unclogged but it backed up the next day. But on Wednesday we planned to clear the forest in the back yard, and for a good price. I spoke with him thursday about the toilet and since he was working in Jersey I waited until Yesterday, Saturday. So Saturday, shameful and scary, I came across a rat in kitchen as I started to prepare dinner and lunch for the week. It was like now you dont see me and now you do. Nothing was there and then in passing I noticed this fur ball lot of fur . I turned and screamed bloody murder and he slowly went under the washing machine. It was obvious he was dying from the poison I constantly put down for the mice. (draino and peanut butter) Anyways he didnt go far enough in and his tail was sticking out about and about 2 inches. Naturally I went into a deep boo hoo. I have learned my way of release of internal pain and stress is to cry. Actually I do feel better afterwards. I guess because of the process I mentally address the issue and possibilties. Sometimes i cant stop crying for the whole day especially when I flashback on related history.

BOOK time!!! LOL I have to leave the crying issue alone and continue with rat issue.

So Wayne was on his way before I found Ben. So I show him the tail and he is like okay get me a small garbage bag and a broom or stick. As I gave him bag and broom he started pullng the tail and Ben put up a fight, I start started screaming and when B got lose I ran and grabbed a piece of4X4 wood and jumped in knocked over a table trying not to get bit while I am trying to pound the rat under the bag. W yelled something at me. I stopped. He killed the rat tied him up. I laugh as I type this because he says to me it doesnt make sense to get so excited. I pounded his foot. I was hitting hard. It was a good way to end the fright, flight and I guess fight, flare up.

OK so he works on toilet I meant pumping and snaking. Finally says its deep he has to rent a snake from hardware. Then says let me check the basement.

Meanwhile I mess up my hip and was in lot of pain. Serious limp. Someone broke the light bulb in one part and didnt replace it so I had to go get a bulb. then go get the snake. During all this I notice the great pile of dirt and rocks where the sewer line leaves house. This was entrance for rat. (hopefully) He also showed me where there was a pile of rat droppings on top step out of basement.

So he worked on sewer line and it started flowing. I shed a few tears but didnt cry. I couldnt believe the house had been compromised. I had been noticing lots more holes in tree pitts and people's front yards. The had been increase of mice since the resturants had closed during onset of covid.

The house is old. but in the 39 years my mother bought house I had never ever seen a rat. They were systematically moving towards my block from the train station over the years. 1st it was one block over from train station but slowly more and more appearances. As I posted before I found one dead infront of house.

Anyways, as I exited the basement I noted there were glue traps over the basement floor. I almost blew a fuse seeing that N or Twisted knew about the issue and only put down glue traps! Or have the decency to say we have been invaded. And leaving my mother exposed to this situation with no further intervention.

I cant explain it but its almost torture to have to live with selftrightious, narcissitic fools. I have to believe that God sees and knows and is working on this, other wise I would be insane.

Yesterday I had severe hip pain and aching; Thank goodness when I woke today it was much better. A limp and occasional screech;.

I am not caught up, just had to vent..

Rays of love and healing and peace to us all.

Sleep tight

Duck,

Will say a prayer about the mass and the biopsy. I went through the same thing years ago and mine was benign.

Your week has been quite interesting! I have a funny ‘rat’ story. It’s not as exciting as your story but it’s still cute.

My great aunts lived in a large old Victorian home. They kept telling my grandfather that it was haunted.

Grandpa asked my great aunts what made them think their house was haunted.

Aunt Maggie said, “We hear footsteps on our stairs every night.” My Aunt Cecilia said, “Yes, Maggie is correct. We hear footsteps every single night.”

My grandpa went to investigate. He discovered a large rat that broke free from traps that were set.

The rat had a large knot on his tail so when the rat was going up the staircase his tail would go, ‘thump, thump, thump.’

Grandpa told them that their ghost was a rat. My great aunts were relieved to know that their house wasn’t haunted.

zoey - how are you?

dub - one of my survival tactics was, whenever possible, to not see mother alone but have someone with me. Can you time your visits to coincide with the aides or bring a friend or family member? My mother was narcissistic all her life. A lot of umhums and ahas helped in the conversation as she always had to be right. Changing the subject helped sometimes. Keeping the visit as short as possible. "Grey rock" method helps as they feed off your emotional reactions, Don't think for a minute that you are going to subject your son to this kind of behaviour. As you said -she has been like this always and you aren't like her.

duck - Sorry about the mass, Prayers for it to be benign. Try to keep calm. You probably aggravated your hip jumping up and down. You can't afford to do that. Sounds like W is a good guy to have for help. I am sorry about the rats. They are nasty creatures. Remember looking after you has to come first.

Here we are in normal early winter. For those that don't have snow, be thankful. I am feeling a bit isolated. Usually I take a few trips south each year but not this year with covid. I miss that. Watched Father Brown mysteries yesterday. I have seen most of them but still enjoy them. The kitties are quiet as they are older now though they still get into some mischief. Thinking about rearranging my living room but I better do some laundry first. I am so thankful that I don't have to deal with mother in this covid pandemic. I can't imagine. It's bad enough finishing up the paperwork.

Good news that dgd seems to be taking her last year in high school seriously. and making plans to go to college next year - out of town!!! Miracle do happen.

Take care all.

Need Help, thanks for the prayers! I truly need them, LOL about the rat. In a large Victorian home that must have been very scary.

Golden thanks for the prayers.

I saw a rat in the train station and screamed again. My automatic response was to stomp and of course it was my right foot I used. So pain again.

I switched shoes today wanted to look nice, low wedge hill, vs sneakers. I think I made a mistake.

IWas going back and forth about leaving a note for N and twisted about the rat, mice, crack in sewer line and the constant back up because my mother needs constnt monitoring. So I decided it was a waste of time.

I will take pictures before and after the cement job in basement. I have to get a receipt book.

Yes Golden, this handyman seems to be a keeper. He doesnt try to beat, and over charge, hard to find and I am grateful.

I hope everyone is okay my prayers are with to be able to handle another with who you are caring for. My husband says that every morning before he goes to work. My mom lives with us and is a nightmare. There are night before she goes to bed and lays a guilt trip on me or just down loads negativity on me. And then I can't sleep for 2 nights. She is diabetic and she has decided she going to eat what she wants, last 2 months almost every night I have to fix something different because she doesn't care for it anymore. And the temperature has to be above 76. otherwise she's crying, in which 85% of the day she cries because of her medical problem. I had to call her psyc dr last night to see what I could do to get her to calm down other wise I was going to kill myself. (but don't want to leave my dog.)

I have been talking with cousins in Ireland, we have 3-4 cousins who are autistic. I found out yesterday that my niece who died from suicide that her granddaughter has been diagnosed with autism. They are devastated. I understand that. It is clear that autism is inherited from my fathers side of the family. many of you may feel different because of antivaxers.

My great niece and her husband are so overwhelmed which is understandable. They want no support at this time

I contacted my sisters daughter and was told to butt out. I to,d her ok but I was sad that our family offered no support when my grandson was diagnosed and I only wanted to offersupport


yes I get it, they wanted nothing from me, I accept that. He I’m hurt that I got no support when my grandson was diagnosed and now it’s my sisters great granddaughter it’s a big secret and ,Ike I’m looking to be part of a gossip loop.

I regret reaching out to my great nieces husband (he is a Facebook friend). I meant no harm.

It's been awhile since I've been on here but I try to pop in and catch up when I get a chance. It's good to read how everyone's doing.

This has just been a crazy, crazy time I know for a lot of us. As some of you know, we finally got mom's house sold about this time last year and finalized the estate stuff right around when COVID hit. Then a couple of months ago, I wanna say late August/early September we found out my father in law (hubby's dad) has lung cancer. I feel terrible that we haven't been to see his parents in about 3 years. We were going through everything with mom and then last year had our littlest one 8 weeks early and it's not easy traveling with two little ones (4 and 18 months) that are hard to get to sleep sometimes as it is.

Then at the end of September I was on my way with my 18 month old to pick up my 4 year old from school and a car pulled out in front of me at a highway intersection and I shattered my heel and fractured my ankle in the accident and had to have surgery. I'm so thankful to say that my little one wasn't hurt. I never thought I'd say thank God for car seats but I do now!

I am still non-weight bearing on my right foot so hubby has been on leave from his job until I am able to walk and drive again. I got a knee scooter that helps me get around the house. Tried crutches and realized I was probably likely to break more bones trying to use them since I am terribly uncoordinated. He's been having to help with the little ones and take our 4 year old to school. I go back next week to get my foot re-xrayed and they will let me know from there if I am ready for physical therapy.

So I feel awful that we haven't been to see his dad (they live out of state about 4 hours away - 5 with kids and stops along the way), but he says he's okay to wait and see how things are going before deciding whether to visit, especially with the continued outbreaks of COVID. His dad has been in and out of the hospital with seizures that they keep saying are caused by the treatment. It's been worrying.

I know he's trying to be strong and he said part of him wants to go and part of him is afraid to see his dad as he is right now. I love his parents dearly, even though we've had kind of a distant relationship with them over the years due to living out of state, and his parents almost never travel, so for the most part our visits have been determined by when we've been able to travel that way. The past few years it's just gotten harder. Also, anytime we have gone he's been afraid his mom would be upset if we stayed in a hotel, even though there is not enough room in their home for us and our older kids to sleep, much less now the two smaller ones. Plus there was some worry a couple years back about bedbugs since his sister had them and is over there frequently.

We did agree though that we will stay in a hotel if we go visit soon because his dad will need to rest and there is a good chance the little ones would make it hard for him to, plus with him having a weakened immune system we would want to limit exposure to germs. My husband has really been my rock through everything and I want to be there for him too.

Anywho, that's what's going on here. I've gotta keep reading through and getting caught up. Hugs to all, and hope everyone is staying safe!

Good to see you on here Frazzled. Sounds like you have a whole lot on your plate right now. Sorry to hear about your ankle and your F I L.

Take good care!

Question...apparently my my sister has told the activities director in Moms NH that, since she is health care proxy, she can bump me from any pre-scheduled visit I made if she wants that slot for herself. Is that true? As far as I know she is not Moms guardian but her health care proxy. It makes no sense...

Many of you know my story but for those who don't Sis has an obsessive need to control people and situations and can be vicious to anyone who gets in the way of that. I have been drawing boundaries with her and limiting contact, needless to say she is not taking it well. I think this is just a petty reaction on her part. Anyway I will work around it and not engage with her. I just wondered if it was even true.

No of course it isn't true.

How is it in your mother's best interests? In what way would your sister be making this decision on your mother's behalf?

But, whatever, if you possibly can, just leave it - not least because you can never be sure if what someone is reported to have said is actually what they said, let alone what they *meant*.

Has the "bumping" - snort! - power been exercised, or any sign of its actually happening?

Thanks Countrymouse. The whole thing came up because my sister has been changing her vists around and making it hard for the activities department to keep a reliable schedule and to avoid booking conflicts . I was unaware of this until the activities director asked if I would please coordinate visiting schedules with my sister. I said sure and emailed Sis. Sis sent back a list of times she wanted and I plugged my times in around that. There was no over lap. The next thing I know Sis had booked herself into one of my slots. I did not make a fuss I simply asked for a different time. Thats when the activities director told me that.

My sister has created conflict at every facility my parents have stayed in. She berates the staff mercilessly and constantly threatens to file against the facilities themselves. She did file against the last facility because they would not allow her to circumvent the covid restrictions. She has also filed against this one, not sure why as I told her I did not want to hear about it.

Anyway, I don't doubt my sister said that, it sounds like something she would say. Still you are right that I did not hear it myself and I'm sure the activities director is desperate to avoid more unpleasantness.

So am I, so I will just keep ducking and dodging and focus on Mom. As you wisely suggested, I will just leave it.

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts. Mass was benign. Was a very traumatic experience for me the big cry baby and MS IM Alright.

I know this is a trying time for us loving caregivers as we embark on the coming holiday seson.

Butterflies I know the feeling of being manipulated, I think if you are having such deep thoughts of sadness to despair that maybe it may be best to get your mom a facility that can meet her needs. Its worth your sanity.

Frazzeled sorry to hear about your accident and the situation with your Husbands' father. I think that even though it would be hard to see his father sick its would be best to see him, then to regret not seeing him.

Trying I got hot in the head reading about the situation with your sister's narcissisum. I live with it and its so frustration. It great you can go along with the flow, I know I wouldnt be able to be that kind especially with our history. The health care proxy is for her care but like my sister she is wielding it power and control. I know my sister was able to block me from my mothers care and information and appointments so her using this as her sword if it is acutally so is sad but at least you two have a communication line open.

I am so bitter about my sister and her and my nephews antics. I read psalm 35 and encompassed my feelings and my heart.

I want to go into detail about issues but I am too tired.

on the whole everyting is good. My neighbor had an exterminator and it seems like the mice were gone until I heard one somewhere near dryer. But the poison I put out is untouched thus far.

The guy is coming to cement the area where sewer line goes out. He says he was so tired and slept all last Saturday so he called today which I am usually off but Im working tonight covering for a nurse who called outl. So I will see him saturday.

Oh, and I truly miss the frenzy and stress of the holidays. Prepareing cleaning cooking, decorating, to make a beautiful memory with loved ones. Its part of who I am. So I love hearing and see the stress and excitement of a friend who is doing same for his family and I gave him proper honor because I think its wonderful. I mean we can make everyday a holiday. But for me with the breakdown and loss of what I thought was family its beautiful to see that beauty in someone elses life.

It was so pleasant last year to read the posts that were shared.

Hopefully next year I will be able to spend the holidays with my son in Cali.

Rays of love and light and healing to all of us. The smile shows in the eyes and I think it is felt even stronger to see in the eyes. With so much going on in this world a little bitt of love goes a long way.

Sleep tight ((((HUGGS))))

Duck!

Yay!!! Thank God. So happy for you.

It’s wonderful to hear that your mass was benign!

Thanks Duck, it sounds like you deal with a similar situation regarding a controling sibling and so happy to hear your good news!

butterflies - I hope the psych doc was some help to your mum.Please look after yourself. Do you have a counselor?

(((((((sharyn)))))))))) nice seeing you posting I'm so sorry your offer of help re autism was taken the wrong way. That's so hurtful and they don't seem reasonable.

fraz - nice seeing you posting too. So sorry about your fil and your ankle. You really have too much to deal with. So glad your hub stays strong.

trying - your sis is a case, I wonder if she can -seems unlikely. I guess only the facility can tell you. Wise of you to work around it. Boy, your sis is causing problems but that's nit new,

duck - so glad it is benign, Yay!!! Spending holidays with your son in Cali next year is something to look forward to, Sounds like you are getting some good repairs done.

I'm hoping i can get out and get my flu shot. The sniffles/cold is better. Saw a good article about aerosol transmission of covid. Masks and good ventilation and distancing help. The doctor's office requires masks, but distancing is about 3 feet and the ventilation is not good. Sigh. The pharmacy is not much better. Our numbers are rising -apparently they are spiking after our Thanksgiving. But the vaccines are coming. I have to live in cabin fever mode for the whole winter I guess. Oh well, I will survive this too but I don't have to like it.

(((((((hugs)))))) to everyone

Great news, Duck! You are NOT a crybaby!