The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Duck when I have days like that I just go back to bed and try again the next day.😉

mimo - how are you doing?

duck - deep breaths. It's good to have a back up set of keys. Nothing is too small for you to give to God. Joseph Prince is good for me too. The more we focus on God and not the problem the more peace we will have, It's a lesson I need to remind myself of daily.

gershun - how was the family get together this year? On those days I usually get up and sit in my corner of the sofa, and distract myself with laptop games. Come to think of it, I do that most days. 😉

Wondering how everyone got through covid, holidays, and now the new year looking at vaccines rolling out.

I am finally recovering from a nasty flare up I had several weeks ago. The first one in about 18 months, Hopefully it will be at least that long before another one, if ever. It does not do me well to over do things but it sure felt good being so active that day. Taking it slowly now.

Take cae all!!!

Golden we followed the rules and did not have any get together this Christmas. Hubs and I just hunkered down and while it was odd it was stress free. I didn't miss the upheaval that get togethers with my clan usually creates in my psyche.

Sorry you were not feeling well.

gershun - sounds good to not have the usual stress. Thx about my not feeling well. It's the story of life with CFS/FM. Glad to be on the upswing.

Gershun, lol it certainly was one of those days.

Golden, I hope you are feeling better and taking it easy from now on.

That day of key issue, I felt like I was unraveling. To top it off when Im leaving work and checking keys one of the spares was missing. I sat down and searched my bags, I had the set to get in so I was good. Whew!

I got home the other set was in the shed door, I was so relieved that I didnt even think my mother could have gotten the keys and got of the house. All I realized was that I have to slow down, do one thing at a time. I didnt even go on search for my keys in my room. I fixed breafast and dinner then waited for the meals on wheels guy to come. I went up stairs had a few cocktails and played my games and checked the lottery. A few hours later as I get in bed I felt the keys! what a relief!!! The keys were embedded in the foamegg crate like mattress so I couldnt see it after I made the bed. The relief was great and the lesson was well taken. Then this craziness at the capital happended and I was like was this a universal craziness. Even though it was planned I felt it resonated with the crazy I was feeling.

Then to top it off, this weekend my mother got physical. Friday she was the energizer bunny and was in my way behind everything I did. I had to keep taking trash and things from her constantly. Sometimes when she is like this I put the food up, give up, order out and take my butt upstairs.

So I am frying fish in the deep fryer. I left for a moment to throw something in trash I had to move from her sight. Just as I entered the kitchen she dropped a plastic bottle of mayonaise in the fryer. I pushed her away and got it out before it could melt. This went on until I finished and went up stairs.

Okay not to mention that when I came home from work the morning before. It was signs of number two on floor in bathroom, bathtub and later I saw something like a dried diarrhea by the bed went I settled down for my counseling session. So I was like this will wait till tomarrow.

So Friday I didnt get to the floors because I was worn out from her while trying trying to cook and do damage control.

Saturday, my mother was in a nasty spirit. She was herself, talking ugly and threatening me to tell "her" everytime I take something from her. I started to give up but I hungry. I was in tear and weeping. it was like reliving the way she had always treated me and those same emotions the same everything. Especially and ususally at a time I was busting my butt cleaning up her mess. So many years of being cinderella the scape goat and dumb dora, even before the real dementia. The flash backs were painful. It was devastating the see that spirit again.

I had some smothered steak going and then I made some instant mashed potatoes. She kept putting plastic spoon in the electric skillet and it was obvious she was hungry so I got her some jello with whip cream, that slowed her down but she was stilll buzzing finally she snatched the bowl of mashed potatoes while i was mixing them. I took it back and she came at me. It wore me out trying not to get hurt or hurt her. She is strong tried to make me fall and all I could thing was my hip is already an issue and that I could really get messed up. So I finnally got her in rocking chair and she just kept coming at me saying Oohh Yeeah! Oooh Yeah, I felt I was dealing with a demon. I was like ohh shiysta. So I ran and put skillet ontop of the fridge, grabbed my coat and keys had to plop her down again got door open and got out of there. I came back my wig which I left in chair was on floor. She had calmed down. I fixed her plate left it with something to drink.

I made it through but I am still hurting. And like past history part of me feels like she knows how she treated me.
All that past came up and hit me hard. This time I didnt call anyone but my aunt But when it was all over I just talked to God.
Good News There were no banana sightings.

Rays of love

Well where is everyone? I hope you are all well and in good spirit and health.

I am still recuperating from the key issue and the struggle with my mother.

I came down this morning and she had taken most of the meat out of freezer. seasoned pork chops a package of turkey wings, and chicken breast as well as what was left of her meals on wheels.

I started crying out of frustration. Then I started beating myself up for going to that point. I dont even know what I am feeling during these moments its a combination of frustration, anger, saddness . I am off kilter when my mother is not right especially when I cant get her to settle down and eat and stop the destructive behavior. I have to keep working on this crazy anger and resentment feeling my sister is part of the equation. And then I am angry that she is not and has set things up where the help and intervention is now in the hands of an outside authority and actual movement in wrapped up in systematic circles and delays not to mention the virus and my own newness to the process and the reality that my family which was my anchor in life has gotten to this point.

I am not alright. I feel lonely, lost and afraid. Yes I trust in God and it so hard to not have these moments. I know the ability to care for my mother is slipping especially when she has these moments of stubborness, She is only making herself busy, frustrated in those walls when she has always been so busy in the church, school and community.

It blew my mind today when she opened the washing machine and pulled out a plate cover with some rancid bacon and then started scooping the sides of it with her hands.

The guardian is supposed to come tomarrow with the repair person to see what needs to be done. Please let them be on time and not have me hostage in time waitng for one or the other.

Anyways I dont know how I feel. I am confused with my feelings. There is just so much coming at me. My nerves are already raw from the banana and mouse situation. Thank goodness there has not been a sign for about four days. I have the poison waiting for the new comers.

What is good and a blessing is that I encounter people with smiles and gifts of laughter.

Well I will be off a few days, its very difficult to type on my phone and I dont use the laptop I find it awkward so I hope everyone have a pleasant weak and weekend drama free and full of love and peace.

Rays of love to us all.

Duck, I'm so sorry for all the stress your mom's dementia is putting you through.

Do you keep a journal of mom's destructive and dangerous behaviors?

She clearly needs 24/7 supervision, either in a facility or from a home aide. Neither you nor your sister is obligated to provide this level of care.

Keep the focus on what mom's needs are when speaking to the guardian.

No good deed goes unpunished. Dad is locked down in the house. I took the car away as he can't even walk across the house unaided and due to Covid. I was fixing his PC on Monday and asked him to back up and he fell backward onto his large footstool (the size of a small couch), so I can't let him drive. So I am out shopping for food and house items. I get him so chips and cookies (shouldn't) and I stop and get him KFC he likes, a chicken sandwich fires, and a drink. I bring it home and tell him it's in the kitchen (not like I get thanks). So later in the evening, he is in the bathroom for a considerable time and I hear the toilet flush a few times and he plunges it. Later he comes out doesn't say a word. I go in turn the fan on (is that so hard to do?) and see the remnants on the toilet and on the lid.... I commence deconning yet again. Takes a half hour to get the toilet unplugged and running again. Last week while at the barber I get him is a sandwich and the same thing happened later. So the culprit is all the grease from KFC (I can't eat it as I worked there when I was a kid). Guess I have to blame myself. One would think that if you have a major job you do a courtesy flush (learned that in school) then do the paper. Not sure how much paper he uses but seems to be a ton, no wonder we go through so much and we use the thinner paper to help the septic. I won't be getting him KFC again. It is hard trying to make dinner and plunge a toilet in the next room (that is bad enough), which curbs the appetite. It's a regular thing with him, he makes a mess in his pants (then does his laundry). Last week he lost his wallet in the house... turned out it was in his dirty laundry when he dumped his messed pants in it.

Have you ever heard of bidet toilet seats TG? I don't have one myself (yet) but I think they are an awesome option for seniors!

duck -not many are coming to this thread regularly any more. I have to agree with barb than your mum needs more and a different kind of care. You aren't able to keep basic hygiene in your home and your mum is a danger in the kitchen. This is only getting worse and will be harder and harder on you.

tg - I think the same can be said of your dad. It's getting worse and the messes and care needed is escalating. However I know you come here to vent, not for advice. On a practical note. imodium might help with the explosions. What does his doctor say about it?

The mild weather is continuing here through the weekend, thank goodness. I am recovering from that flare up. What a relief! I need to focus on the positive things in my life. There is a lot of weird out there! lol.

Hi everyone. I'm going ok, but the bottom of my right heel has been hurting since last Thursday despite icing it and stretching my calves. I am hardly coming here at all and don't see much here that grabs my attention as in the past. I've had to get my psychiatrist to increase my anti-anxiety medicine. My wife is staying very inactive. She's decided to write up what she wants for her funeral. Right now, I'm not doing well on my diet. My therapist had some emergency surgery which put him out for half of December and all of January. I'm scheduled to see him on Feb. 1. Maybe this is a good time to find someone new here where I live instead of an hour away from where I used to live.

Take care of yourselves, everyone, for no one else will.

Yoda, you sound like you are in a bad place right now. Please don't stop reaching out. I can't speak for everyone on here but I would miss you if you stopped posting.

I don't post as much as I once did but I still check in regularly and I hope you will continue to do so. Maybe a new therapist would be a good idea for you. Look into it and never give up!

NoTryDoYoda... Try soaking your feet in a very warm foot bath by putting it in a small plastic tub (if you have something like that), where you can sit in a chair for about 20 mins. If you have some Epsom Salts, put some in the water also... it may help your heal pain... if you can do this daily or every other day for a while... It also feels so good... And, you deserve it!

Yoda,
Agree, the soaking with epsom salts. And don't be afraid to massage that heel and foot.
When that happened to me, I tried the massage, and concentrated black cherry juice. The doctor said it was a bone spur, but it was healed, just went away. But it was very painful.

Do talk out your stuff to people on here, in addition to therapy. Even online therapy, zoom meetings, phone appointments. Just get it all out. Having a wife who is declining, you will need some extra support.

Today, my husband scared me with his bad mood and attitude. I thought, this was it...somebody is going to lose it....and felt that I did not know what to do for him. But enforced rest, from 2 p.m., to 4 p.m. helped. All sound off, even music. The budgie bird is molting so also does not feel it's best. All 3 of us had a good nap, yesterday and today. It is working for us.

A few minutes outside also helps. If it is not too cold or snowy.

Keep talking it out, because we care!

Yoda,
You are exactly right.
Take care of yourself for no one else will.

We need to do our best.
Around here, we look at each other, laugh, and say: "This is all just temporary."

A good therapist will have recommended someone to be on call while out.

Yoda, that coukd be plantar fasciitis (google it, my spelling could be wrong). Rolling your foot over something cylindrical (stirdy drinking glass, stainless steel water bottle) stretches the muscles in the arch and usually helps me. Also, picking up marbles barefiit with your toes.

A cortisone shot in your heel if all else fails. Feel better soon!

Yoda, you sound a bit depressed. If it helps, talk to us. We're good listerners. I can see you're not feeling physically well, then your wife has given up. Anyone in you situation would feel down, too.

I can only think of one suggestion. Count your blessings, however small. They might help you see not everything is hopeless and bad.

When life gives you lemons.....

Yoda, find yourself a new therapist to see NOW!! Don’t wait. A lot of people I talk to feel like you do.

when will the pandemic be over, when can people go back to work, when can we go to the movies, when can we go out to dinner? When is the SUN going to shine in Upstate New York????

we feel your pain Yoda. It helps to talk to a therapist. It helps me a lot!!! Stay well and stay safe!!

Yoda, I want to second the idea of finding a therapist. I recently found myself much more anxious and sad than I have been in years and found an organization that does telemed appointments. I now have a wonderful LCSW with who I talk each week and it has done me anworld of good. I am meditating more consistently, eating better and generally taking care of myself. Reach out.

Gershun and all,

I didn't realize that I sounded that bad. I do feel some better with my dose of anti-anxiety med going back up. We lowered it because it seemed to be having some sexual side effects.

Among other things, I do miss cuddling with my wife and have told her, but when she does get out of bed, she mainly focuses on writing her book on her laptop or is on social media or playing a laptop game. Excuse me ladies, but I must say this. Yes, I'm 63 and take viagra, but I'm not dead, but I need some physical touch even if we don't do everything which she feels at 65 she is out of the loop for. My sex drive has always been high since I hit puberty at age 12 and the current situation is not good.

I do have some friends that supply me with some emotional support, but I can't tell them everything.

I've been with my current therapist longer than with anyone else since 2002. He has a doctorate in psychology and has been very helpful in helping me with my issues with my mom during which time some bad memories came to mind as she continued to decline.

Those memories have not totally gone away but I think all that could be accomplished has been done. I am surprised that the psychotherapy group that he is part of did not have anyone in mind to recommend for me to see in the in-between time. That is not very professional nor helpful. My next appointment with him is Feb 1st, but earlier it was moved to this week on the 14th. Who knows after this emergency surgery, he may not be up to speed on the 1st.

In the past, I had met with 3 very good female LCSWs. The first one was the very best but she left, formed her own group, but then decided to stop. I started dealing with my issues with my mom, with her. She made the comment one time that one day I was going to see what my mother had done to me and she hoped that I would be able to forgive her. I didn't bring that up with the other two as I was focused on other things and didn't feel like pursuing that with them.

Now, I think I'd like a female LCSW again to help me with current things.

When our son was here for a few months between renting a place near DC and buying a place in DC, he commented that it is obvious that I don't have any help, but his mom expects everyone to do for her because she sees herself as so old. While I am not as in shape as I was last Christmas, but I am still in better shape than I went down to by last March when I did virtual physical training online with my personal trainer. Now, they are fully open and I go there three times a week, speaking of it is now time for me to go. I'll finish this later when I get back.

Hi all. I just wanted to let you know my Mom passed early this morning. She went peacefully in her sleep. These past few years were very difficult for her. This morning all her pain and suffering ended, she is at peace. My emotions are mixed, aching sadness and a sense of relief.

Thank you everyone for being here. Reading your stories and experiences made me feel less alone and your kind responses and support got me through countless tough days.

Dear "Tryingmybest,"

I'm so sorry about your mom passing away early this morning. When they go peacefully in their sleep, it's really a blessing.

I'm sure your emotions are mixed which is completely normal and it's too new to know anything else.

You didn't just "try" doing your best - you "did" your best!

May God help you in the days ahead as you work through your grief.

Trying, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My earlier post continued.

Well, this is right where I left it back near 3:30. It's now 5:47. My personal trainer told me today that I'm going to need some new shirts with bigger shirt sleeves getting how big my arms are getting. After every Personal trainer time, I have an assisted stretching. I told him about my heel. He worked on it some and showed me a new exercise to help it. I told him all about my heel, what I had done plus most recently using a lacrosse ball beneath my foot during which time I discovered that the outside edge of my right foot was also sore up to my little toe. I also told him that I put the ball under my left foot and found some pain there also. My right foot heel has improved some but I still can't walk with full weight on it. The PT thinks that this came with the calf raises that I did last Wednesday since the pain began.

Well, I'm going to finish my supper and go get on my leg pumps for tonight.

Trying,

I am sorry for your loss and your emotions sound normal to me.

Trying - you have done right by your mother. Now, she has now been released from her pain and suffering, and so have you. Wishing you peace and a fresh new start.

Tryiny ((((((hugs)))))) my deepest condolences on the loss of your mum. Finally she is at peace. It has been a long and difficult journey for you and your sibs. I hope the next months go smoothly for you as you go through the necessities and process your grief. Take care and come back some times and let us know how you are..

Yoda - hope you get things sorted out. A good therapist is invaluable.

NoTryDoYoda - buffer arms, eh? Good for you. Watch out Arnold, here comes Yoda.

As for the pain from possible over exercising, over a year ago, I overdid my arm exercises that I injured the tendons between my left arm and shoulder to the point I could not move or lift my arm. That was when I realized you were only as strong as your tendons, never mind the muscles. Had to go to PT, did a lot of PT exercises. My arm is almost back to normal after more than a year. I won't be making that mistake again.

I doubt Arnold has anything to worry about.😂