The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad, hi friend! I totally understand you not want to go to his reunion that your tw1 will be in attendance. The only thing I can come up with is if you are still in contact with several friends that you can meet up with, then you can completely ignore tw1. If you decide to not go, that is understandable. Please don’t let her presence prevent you from an evening of reuniting with friends from the past if possible.

I tried to get my sister to go to a reunion that included her class and mine and she refused. Of course she was drinking then. I would not go to a combined reunion with her now. I do get it.

I am hoping to go to California this summer if Covid-19 is more under control. I will have to save for a hotel/motel room because I am not going to stay with my sister.

you do what is comfortable for you, that is most important.

Sharyn, boy oh boy your post was so touching and real, I truly understand the feelings around coming to being "done". I think the health insurance situation here is terrible. Public assistance and free medical care, actually the best, work and its practically not affordable. So sad the things we have to go through at dysfunction junction. Did you keep some insurance for yourself?

No try, thanks, I too have a problem with speaking up at first I get frozen and stuck from the intensity of emotions and thoughts but then I let whoever it is have it and good. Now for someone else I can step up easily.

Golden, I am glad you quickly got over the lightening bug. I take oregano oil and it helps me with onset of cold symptoms and also decreases my cough. I had stopped taking it because it was strong for my stomach and caused me to get throes of pain. Now I am back on it for a while.

I saw on facebook a post about using cabbage wrap for knee pain and a lot of positive comments. I am going to try it on my hip and knees.

Well nothing new has happened so far with guardians. The case worker from the guardianship and APS may be coming on Wednesday. My mother has to see doctor and get officially dx'd for home attendant with orders for home care. I understand why my twisted refused to get the dementia addressed. APS MD diagnosed my mother officially validating the need for guardianship.

I am now at a point where I am exhausted mentally physically and emotionally. I watch my mother go back and forth through stages the worst is when she starts yelling and calling out to phantom people, which is where she is now. With mild sedative and meds to slow down the dementia along with a home attendant I think we will be okay.

Last week I came home to find my mother butt naked walking around with a tray full of soda bottle and cup and water bottles. There was a cup or warm coffee in living room and the kitchen was a mess. I had planned to do bathroom and catch up on damage control that I haven't done for a while because of my need to rest my mind and spirit. So by the grace of God, I got the whole shebang in order except for the fridge and I fixed our dinner. Plus she was just buzzing and I was feeling like I couldn't handle this. Then I gave her a donout from the things I bought in and that quited her down. Then she dosed and I got to work. Not to mention the struggle just to get underwear and pants on her. Just up to her knees. Then before I went up I gathered my strengh and got the pants up and put her in bed. Next day she is in the hall sitting on stairs for most of the morning before I got up. So again I had to force her downstairs and put more pants on her she kept on the panties. I know she is taking them off because they are soiled.

Well, I am trying not to do a book but I cant help but flash back at who and how my mother treated me. So many times when I would check her on her actions I would ask who do you think is going to take care of you. Sometimes I just stare at her trying to see a semblance of the mother I fell in love with before she became evil and nasty, yes it was mental illness but still the same as evil and nasty. So many years!!! and I am still in this %$%. My perseverance is getting weak. Its so hard to witness my reality and I just cannot process and accept my twisted's lack of care, and her pompous arrogance and theft of my mother's money. The court lawyer says the guardian lawyer will probably to a turn over heaing. I pray they do something. I also sent email of the bank statements and reminder to G caseworker, that this was why I did not want to pay anything until the finances were out of their hands and also corrected her on statement she made during hearing basically blaming me because I could not sign into this virtual visit they set up for my mother the day before the hearing. I felt duped that I was so happy to finally get a doctor care for my mother, unable to sign in because of consents and the number of forms needed

I signed in 15min before apt. Anyways it was the first apointment they made and just happened to be the day before. As temporary guardian I felt like those forms should have been completed when the appointment was set up.

Anyways, I wont be right until we get care for my mother. Meanwhile all of the little changes in her lay on my heart and mind.

I am looking forward to job health insurance to start in June. I pray its decent and I can get psych care and hip treatment.

Good night all.
Rays of peace and love

Also, Try, thanks for the prayers.

DDDuck, I do have health insurance but I am only allow 2 dr vistas a year, everything else is out of picket. No chiropractor visits. this is why I’m cancelling my LTC policy.

I just spent over $300 for chiropractic and physical therapy. I have a hard time continuing my exercises because my hubs won’t allow me an hour of time in the living room, which is the most compatible room with space. I keep trying to do them and the back bedroom may work. I did buy a hand held body massager to use on my lower back, buttocks and down my highs. This helps to release the fascia muscle. I tried fascia massage but I felt very vulnerable and exposed. I did not expect to have to strip down to my panties and bra while standing in front of a woman checking out how I stand front and back. I just felt too exposed and vulnerable so I never went back lol!

as far as my family of origin goes, well...they know my phone number if they want to talk. I have been willing to cut my brother slack because of having a double lung transplant, yet....if he has no desire to keep in touch, I can’t force it. I pray his is well health wise but I also know he is not close with his sons.

my oldest brother moved to Montana in 1977. He never kept in touch, we only heard from them through his wife even though we sent cards, gifts for their children. InMay of 2002, his son was killed in a head on collision, unfortunately it was my nephews fault as a drunk driver. When I called my brother, he said it’s a shame I only hear from you during a tragedy and we have friends here who are helping us through. You can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t put any effort out but expects you to keep the relationship on going.

I totally get where your situation is unrelenting with your sister. I will not allow my siblings to make me feel guilty any longer. Parents need to to not favor a child over others and expect the family to stay intact or even close. The only family I know who has succeeded in that is my hubs family but, their closeness is paternal. Both my hubs and his brother have no real relationship with their sister. Their ties are only with their fathers side of the family and it’s with people they have only seen and been around a handful of times. I can understand why my hubs sister is the way she is.

take care of you Duck, you matter to your son, focus on that and forget about your sister. Much love and support to you💕❤️

I must say, that I tire of my wife being so passive about life and so overly dependent on me when she can do more for herself. I've told her over and over how to make paragraphs on her laptop for the book she is writing, but no, I have to do them. Today, she went to the garage and then complained that the key would not let her in the door although the key fit in the door. When I asked if she tried the other key on the ring, she said no. Sure enough, had she tried the other key, she could have gotten herself in the door.

A cousin who lives in another state has informed me that my group of folks with underlying health conditions are being vaccinated where she lives and that I could come up there. However, it is a 9-hour drive which I could do in one day. Where I live, I will have to wait until March 24th. My wife will have gotten her 2nd shot before then. I'm glad that my cousin shared that information and that her husband who she has been caring for, for over a year with lung problems will be getting his shot, but she would have to wait. I asked her to look into that because she is his caregiver. One of her friends who is also in that state confirmed that my cousin can get her shot now. BTW, yes, this is my God-sister. Sometimes, I feel that I really have my hands full between these two and my SIL with her problems plus dealing with my own stuff and a new project that I have going on now. It is so tempting to take off for that other state and get my shot partly just to getaway!

Yoda, I think you really should go on that long drive to get the vaccine.

First, you get a break which you need
Second, your wife has to do things for herself while you are away.
Third, when you come back, let her continue doing things for herself and be less dependent on you.
Fouth, you get the vaccine.
Fifth, you get to go back in 3 or4 weeks to get your second shot, which means you will have another break, and your wife gets to do things for herself again.

Maybe you should take a long break every week.

Oh wow!!! The taxes for mother's estate are finally done. I am so relieved. Now it won't take long for everything to be completed and all I have to do is keep the records for seven years, That means I'll be free of it by the time I am 90. I'll have to celebrate then. 🎈🎈🎈

The next thing will be to write a difficult letter to my oldest son who is going through a hard time (too complicated to go into) and sort out my taxes.

And spring is coming too!!! 🌷🌹🌼

Have a good day everyone.

Golden. I always admire your positive thinking despite lifetime obstacles you have faced. I frequently feel so sad that my mother is now in a NH and quite immobile. I sense she seems to feel it could change yet I know it won't and I think deep down she knows it too. She is overweight and has been for years. My greatest fear is now a reality. Nothing I can do but visit her once or twice a week. It will seem odd when that day is no longer a reality yet she has been ill for so long it feels as though that will never happen. I just feel that her quality of life is so diminished and of course that is all I see with other residents there. I look to God but don't feel a connection there yet I long to.

Thanks, Riverdale. Sometimes it is "fake it till you make it". I totally understand your sadness.Mother was like that the last couple of years of her life. Mother became overweight after she became immobile and on a certain drug, but lost it again in her last months. I think she knew very well what was happening to her.

There is nothing we can do but see that they get the best care available and, as you do. visit. I know I felt mother might live forever, though we know that can't happen. It was a relief when she went - both for her and for me. Her quality of life was so poor, and, as you say, the other residents were the same. it is a depressing situation, but we may be there one day too.

God is my strength and my source of hope. We are told if we seek Him with all our heart we will find Him. I read scripture daily first thing in the morning and need that to start my day and keep me going. Life can be hard at times. I will pray for you. I don't always feel God is there but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is there, He loves me, and He works in my life for my good. (((((hugs))))

Greetings everyone!

Golden, you are always very uplifting and inspiring.

Polarbear, that was fabulous advice to Yoda.

Yoda, I hope you take that advice, you need a break. I love being on the road, the scenery and most of all what ever I am stressing about I cant do anything about it on the highway.

SharynM, take care of yourself you deserve it.

Just checking in. A lot has happened. I will go into it later. Not up to book writing at this time. :)


Wishing you all the best.

Rays of love and peace and healing to us all.

Hi everyone!

A friend of mine asked me how do we continue to "honour our father and mother" even in estrangement? Any ideas?

The only thing I can think of is to follow Golden's example of staying away as much as she could but making sure her mom was safe and cared for without being the hands-on person. I think that is honour with boundaries which is extremely gracious.

For me there was a lot of blood, sweat, tears and toil, not much graciousness.

Take care all.

Hello Everyone, I hope you are all safe and well.

A lot has been going on over the past few weeks. I had a serious sought of break down around the time of my mothers hearing and the weeks afterward. I was really having a hard time accepting how **&^& we as a family unit are and the care of my mother.

I am not sure what was happening if I caught a virus or if it was stress but I have been testing negative for covid thank goodness.
Anyways, my stomach was very upset, poor appetite, just weak and as much as I love to cook I have not been cooking and no desire. I have weeks of food I bought with the intent to cook. I start to feel better slowly but on my way from home my stomach gets sick again.

Two weeks ago we had home health care nurse coordinator in. The guardian manager NG, aps BM the RN coordinator, my sister and I. My sister stood in the threshold the entire meeting. Got exposed for lying that she had retired in her petition for guardianship. That she home everyday and spends nights with my mother on such and such a night one being the night before this meeting and the place was a mess.

She did not enter the rooom. I took the opportunity to ask NG if she could do something about basic channels having a parental block. Twisted says the cable is now basic channel when as if channedls were blocked so I got up and showed how all these channels were blocked so NG ask if she had them blocked and she says no then she asked if she put the parental block on channels and she says yes and then she asked if she could take it off and twisted says yes, they are still blocked.

Then all the money from my mothers accounts was not tuned over . It was significantly much le3ss than I thought and when questioned DN saays it was his mothers expenditures and that he would turn it over which he did.

Back to the visit we got lecture from rn, aps and guardian about how family is first and how each one takes care of their parent or elderly. and this is sad and it was shameful. Also how we need to again put our mess asside and come together and care for my mother. One sweep one day the other the next etc.

Right after they left, ( I am still sick and weak) I get ready to drag myself to laundry and stop to talk conspiracy with my mother after which she points to her leg and says burns. A small red area which I knew was a cellulitis and needed immediate tx with antibiotic. I called twisted twice DN once no response. went to er had to call NG for my mother cards and info. She had the celllulits and a blazing UTI. we came home with two antivbiotics and I thanked God that I was in the frame of mind to sit down with her because this could have gone missed and just find her comatose. UTI are a monster in elderly not to mention a skin infection that can become serious. Seeing blood in her urine broke my heart. She was suffering for a good while.

Also for the edema in her legs the doctor suggested the stocking with the zipper. They worked like magic the swelling is down. It was a struggle but saying your new stocking and then I gave her nice massage. again when we change them.

So again, deep down inside I am dreading the future, having a home attendant will make things so much better. I am beginning to accept that my sister does not care and never did. Her attention in any way is very sporadic and oblivious to obvious areas needing to be addressed.

I still refuse to touch the bed. I am just worn out and behind in damage control.

Back pain and not to mention the hip goes crazy at times.

I stay in prayer, other wise I think I would be committed to an asylum.

Wishing you all the best.

Rays of love and healing.

DDDuck, hope you are feeling more smoothed out this week? Sometimes after the peaks & plumits of emotion, I like a little calm space to do nothing. Like today. A nothing day ☺️

duck - the stress sounds great. I know it is a hard and painful process coming to the realization of how screwed up our families are. In the long run it is a good thing to accept it but that is not easy. I am really sorry to hear about your mum's UTI and cellulitis. and hope she is recovering with the treatment. It's fine for APS and all to lecture you and the others about family pulling together, but they don't know the extent of the family illness. Anyone could have lectured my sister all they wanted but it would not have changed her. Always find ways to look after yourself. You are in a very toxic environment.

Aw, Duck, I'm so sorry that you are under such stress.

It sounds like there is light at the end if the tunnel with getting a Home attendent for mom, yes?

Stay well and safe.

I'm very sorry for all of us who have dysfunctional families. Thus, the creation of this thread. Here's a poem about one problem, we often face.

This is Who I Am and Always Will Be

 
What a cop-out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family
 
Years of being in therapy.
can set one free.
 
Once one has seen the light
one can't claim ignorance in the fight
 
The choices now made,
can't be blamed on those others made,
 
What a cop-out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family
 
One can say the end and chose to be free.
Such freedom takes hard work in therapy.
 
To excuse the lack of personal responsibility
keeps oneself inflicted by one's dysfunctional family.
 
Empower oneself,
Stop empowering the old self
 
What a cop-out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family
 
Stop waiting for others to repent,
Its wasted energy can be better spent.
 
To still wallow in the pain,
Produces no gain.
 
Stop empowering it,
by holding on to it
 
It's time to say the ending,
and now the beginning.
 
What a cop-out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

Thank you for sharing NoTryDoYada. !💕

Reminded me of this poem I read just today in my Psych textbook, describing stages of psychological change. I love it for it's simplicity and truth. It's by Portia Nelson.

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

AliBoBali, I LOVE that!

I have cut & paste a copy to keep. Thankyou 🤗

Today, I've come as close to a full blown anxiety attack as I've had in a few years. What is triggering this..? I think I'm ill and have been having some minor symptoms that make me think I have a slight fever and something else. I've been very dizzy feeling. If I have the energy, I may try to find a rapid results covid testing spot to get that ruled in or out tomorrow. I'm upset because this anxiety feeling is limiting my ability to do my homework. I can't focus. So, I took a hydroxyzine and hopefully some sleep will help me feel better (I've been sleeping a lot the past two nights, even without sleep aids) and I'll skip the usual morning coffee for now.

I have a bad roommate situation that's come up in the past few weeks and I think that is contributing to my extreme anxiety, but I don't think it's responsible for all of it. I'm just amazed, I guess, that this level of anxiety is still there under the surface after some years of feeling much better each day.

The roommate situation will resolve (I've given her 30 day notice to move out already) and my physical funk will get better, but today... I can't do much of anything. I remember this feeling. It isn't good and I'm just hoping it's gone in a day.

Hope you feel better soon, Ali.

My daughter has had roommate issues in the past and it caused anxiety for her too.

Hoping you will have harmony in your life soon.

Ali, feel better soon. Hope it's not covid. Remembering your health issues, it could very well be anxiety causing symptoms. Good for you doing what you can to get the roomie out as quickly as you can. Will you need to find another one, or can you manage without one, and then avoiding that stress.

Feeling much better today, just drained.

I've had mixed results with roommates in past few years. Most are great, or if they're annoying it's very minimal and stuff you'd experience anytime you're sharing living space with someone else.

If I want to save money each month, and pay for my school as I go (trying...), then I have to rent the extra bedrooms. Most of the time, I enjoy having the company. Structuring the lease as month-to-month gives me a lot of ability to stop tenancy of people who are bad for my mental health. Seems like both extra bedrooms will be open for a bit around mid-April and I'm ok with that. Would be nice to clean everything out. Seems everyone who moves in leaves a little something behind in freezer, pantry, or bathroom shelves.

This is a great topic because it does create another layer of stress we really didn't need. In my case my brother and sister hate me and I'm the care taker. Frankly I don't like them either! If I say black, they say white. It's been that way all our life (the family of 3 sibs...always 2 against 1). It's gotten uglier over the years and I know it bothers dad. I doubt we'll ever speak again once he's gone and I'm dreading the funeral whenever that might be because we'll all be together and they'll be critical of everything. My sister has done NOTHING for dad and my brother had him at his house but his wife did everything for him. My brother sat around and chatted with him and took him for haircuts. Both are completely unrealistic in what dad is capable of and accuse me of domineering him. They are jealous because they know that I'm dad's favorite and he disapproves of things they are doing. They make my life miserable frankly. My husband despises them too. My sister in law is a good egg so that's at least something. I will have zero family once dad is gone so it makes me sad but I dont' intend to ever see them again once I don't have to.

Hi everyone, and thanks for the perspective and support. The poems were good source of reflection.

Ali that walking into the hole poem was awesome. Seems even though I find another street the hole is still there waiting.

Golden it is absolutely true no matter how much couseling and advice is given nothing will change. This is why I found it useless to speak up and cry out about all the issues and insidences that have accumulated over the years.

For me its like the hole in the street. The same old stuff for years. I see myself slowly truly accepting things. This truth has been obvious all my life I dont know why I find it so hard and painful to witness or accept.

The toll of the stress has scared me. It felt like my life force was drained and I couldnt hardly build it up.

I cry reading Ali's post about the weakness and diziness. Very similar and scary, I am still not up to parr but getting better. I must say that sometimes when I enter the house or know I am on my way home my stomach gets sick.

Its good to hear post from people who know this and been there. Its almost like I am growing up temporarily. Because there are times that the stress builds up so much that my demeanor at work is much less tolerant and no nonsense. Its weird.

Being a scapegoat so long is almost fierceless in certain situations, now even when the stress has decreased my intolerance of certain things I used to let fly by gets stronger.

I thank God for being my strength and my shield. It a lot worse when l forget this.

I miss my grands, I miss inticmacy and love. My life is my mother and this dysfun ctional environment of deterioaration of the house and those of us inside. The account is in effect no after they clear some invoices the care will start so its right around the corner and not years. its all I have been waiting for and I am hoping its not an aide who is open to my sister's beautiful maze of manipulation. Even if it does get revealed.
So much to do and I need to get personal things accomplished before this heat sets end.

I pray everyone is safe in spirit and health. I have much love for you all. MUHH

Duck,

I used to get that sick feeling going into the house when I was taking care of the place and my dad. I would get really angry sometimes, too. Either way, it isn't good. Your brain is telling you to RUNNNNN, RUN AWAY! But I very much get it that it isn't that simple.

Life is complicated and caregiving situations to dysfunctional family members are super complicated at times. Extracting ourselves from the layers that keep us in a place that makes us feel sick is a process. Keep going, hon; keep working on it as best you can. Everyone deserves a peaceful life if you're a peaceful person, you know? It's taken me many years, too, to figure out how to limit the dysfunction and drama I inherited and grew up in. It helps that some of my closest family members also seem to have changed... grown... through the years, and civil interactions are now the norm and not the exception. I've learned to do my part to keep them that way, too.

Ali, I loved that poem.

I gave my daughter a copy of this poem when she was in school. I also think it can apply to caregivers, really anyone that needs confirmation of their strength. Plus, the oak tree has always been my favorite tree!

The Oak Tree
Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr.

A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the Oak Tree’s leaves away

Then snapped it’s boughs and pulled it’s bark

Until the Oak was tired and stark

But still the Oak Tree held it’s ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke

“How can you still be standing, Oak?”

The Oak Tree said, “I know that you can break each branch in two

Carry each leaf away

Shake my limbs and make me sway

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You’ll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

Until today, I wasn’t sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I’ve found with thanks to you

I’m stronger than I ever knew.”



Don’t we all feel ourselves swaying at times, as if we could snap in two?

It’s good to remember our strong roots that lie underneath.

I know that I need my roots to hold me steady right now as I visit my mom in the end of life hospice facility with end stage Parkinson’s disease. She’s 95! She’s completely bed bound now.

It’s hard for me to go through this last chapter with mom even though I have been through it with my dad dying in 2002.

My brothers and I have had our ups and downs but are remaining civil with each other for all of our sakes.

I don’t post on this thread a lot but I read it. It’s a nice group of people that meet here.

Ali, just look at you. now! A few short years ago you too thought your situation was hopeless and inescapable! I am so proud of you and the growth you have worked very hard to achieve. It was all possible, after all.

There is always a way out, it is the courage to completely change our lives, leave what is familiar and create an alternate route, that is difficult to muster up. Many of us have worked through this.

Congrats to all that developed the way! We all deserve a peaceful life without conflict. But, we have to choose it and make it happen. We need to do it largely without help in our lives. But here, you will find the support.

Giving up only allows the dysfunction to continue to suck us in, over and over and over.

I was watching American Idol and Lionel Ritchie said "It's when we leave our comfort zone that growth starts to happen" That resonated with me.

Ali you've been doing a lot of growing. I'm proud of you too.